06x12 - And the Riverboat Runs Through It

[bunniefuu]

Max: Previously on "2 Broke Girls"...

I am choosing to take this disaster as a sign, and while they're rebuilding this place I'm gonna go surprise Randy and try to rebuild us!

Fine, use my car, but I'm going to be driving it. I'm coming with you.

I finally got the gas pedal extension where I like it.

I'll just call AAA.

Cool. Later, hater.

Han: Wait, you're really leaving?

Who leaves someone on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere?

My friend, Sloppy Joe, has a one-engine plane.

He might be able to fly y'all all the way to LA.

Well, that's a wrap on the first day of filming here in Austin, Texas.

So Randy's not in Los Angeles?

He's in Texas?

Wow, you're a bad stalker, Max.

There's two things the Slop won't do.

Alert the proper authorities of my flight pattern or step foot in Texas.

I'll drop you here.

[both scream]

[thunder crashes]

When I agreed to follow you cross-country to chase your ex-boyfriend, I didn't realize I'd be thrown out of a plane, scavenging for my belongings and fighting a snake for my favorite pants.

[snake rattles and hisses]

You can have them, sir!

Ah! Found my toothbrush.

[gasps] Max, that's disgusting.

Oh, you're right. This isn't mine.

[gasps] Ah, found a purse...

[gasps] Under this syringe.

Anything in there?

Uh... nah, pretty tapped out, which is too bad 'cause you could use a two-day heroin nap.

I meant my bag.

Look what else survived!

Ah-ha!

My Popchips!

Only to meet an unfortunate end.

Oh, no, Max, my wallet.

Mm, yeah, I know. You've aged a lot since that license picture.

No, it's gone.

All of our cash and our credit cards were in there.

What are we gonna do? I'm freaking out.

Nah, nah, nah, calm down.

Caroline will get us out of this.

Oh, wait. You're Caroline.

I'm calling the diner for help.

[phone rings, chimes]

Caroline: Han... [garbled]

Caroline, we don't have a good connection, and not just because we're dueling Scorpios.

Peek-a-boo!

I see you!

[laughing]

Oleg.

All right, now do it with Barbara.

Han, we had all of our belongings thrown out of a private plane.

Han: Caroline, you're cutting out.

All I heard was "private plane." Brag much?

No, we need to get to Texas, so can you please put $500 in my PayPal account?

What? You have $500?

Did I call you to gloat when I bought this snazzy new vest?

I'm putting you on speaker.

[phone beeps]

Caroline: Private plane...

Have... credit card...

[cell phone beeping]

We lost her.

Or maybe her butler snatched her phone from her.

[quietly] Oh, God.

He hung up.

Max, can we just go back to that terrible place we call home?

That mountain lion is wearing my new blouse.

And here she comes!

[gasps]

Keep the tags on if you wanna return it.

(Peter Bjorn and John) ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[cash register bell dings]

I'm calling the credit card company to send us new cards.

They're used to hearing me cry.

So is the unfortunate family that sat behind us at "Zootopia."

If animals can all get along, so can we.

Look, once we get our cards, we'll be on our way to Randy in Texas... and what was in this for me again?

5 1/2 near-death experiences?

[crying] Hi, Visa. It's me, Caroline.

My cards were stolen.

I've seen backs of vans with better candy selections.

This is a disgrace to the name Gas and Gobble.

How do you even wake up in the morning?

My alligator licks my face.

Oh, my God, Max.

Whoever stole our credit cards maxed them out.

They spent the $1,500 we had left.

No way.

Someone just spent $1,500 on phone cards and cigarettes.

His name was Caroline Channing.

[gasps] What?

That's my name!

Ah, you got a dude's name.

Ugh, we were robbed. Police!

Both: Where!

Max, I am tired and I'm hungry and I can't find a mirror, but I am sensing a disturbance in my hair.

We have to go home!

But we have to go to Texas.

Randy needs me.

He's saying it on his Snapchat story.

Still on the movie set.

Pretty lonely, so if anyone would respond to my Words With Friends request, I promise to let you win, and if you're ever in Texas... why?

See? He's begging me to come there.

But we have no money to get to Texas.

Wrong.

I've got $11 in this one and $32 in this one.

Lefty's been holding back as per usual.

So your 43 boob dollars are gonna get us to Texas?

Don't rule out my roll of butt quarters.

Sweaty but ready.

All right, can y'all folks lock up?

I got to make a riverboat before it takes off to New Orleans.

My cousin Tim put a voodoo curse on me.

I got to talk to him about removing it.

Caroline, New Orleans is close to Texas.

The Hamburglar says so on my McDonald's placemat, and he would never lie unless it's about stealing delicious hamburgers.

I'm confused. Do you want hamburgers or do you wanna take that riverboat?

Obviously, the dream scenario is both.

Ah, thank you very much.

Max, people have tickets.

You have to pay to get on this... what I'm positive will be my sixth near-death experience.

So bend over and unclench.

We need those butt quarters.

Who are you? My mother at a church carnival?

Have your tickets ready, please.

All we have to do is act like we belong.

Do I at least get to have an adorable Southern accent?

No accent.

[mimics Southern accent] Well, I do declare that is mighty disappointing.

Just follow my lead. It's time to touch strangers.

Hey, you got a permit for those g*ns?

Well, I say, you got a permit for that light-up yo-yo?

I have a girlfriend.

Keep walking, buster.

Max, the riverboat doesn't get to New Orleans for two days and we have nowhere to sleep.

Ooh, but there is a "Whittle Your Own Banjo" workshop at 5:00.

I have whittle-to-no interest in that.

Ooh, it says they have the loosest slots around.

I guess the Darby sisters from my hometown are here.

I did see a bunch of lounge chairs over by the swamp exhibit.

I guess we could sleep there tonight, and then the next night, well, hopefully we'll be dead.

[thumping]

Come on, red!

[gasps] Max, no! That's all of our money!

No more bets.

Oh, that is so stupid, and not cute stupid like when you thought Velcro grew in nature.

And red is the winner.

Well, rootin' tootin'!

I always bet on red because my last name's Black, and that's ah-not been a winner.

Okay, now that we've doubled our money, maybe we should stop.

Come on, red!

[gasps]

No more bets.

No!

I didn't even get to touch it before you lost it.

Why do you hate having things?

Red again.

Just call me Al Roker 'cause I'm making it rain.

Max, we're winning at something.

Don't just stand there looking pretty, toots.

Order daddy some wings.

Oh, my God, I look pretty and I get to flag down a waitress.

Waitress!

I'll have a sarsaparilla and some wings for big daddy.

[cell phone ringing]

[gasps] Sophie's calling.

Pfft, like I'm gonna get it.

Well, Caroline's not answering.

Executive decision.

Horses can eat a bunch of pudding.

My cousin from Chernobyl had a dog this size.

He had three legs.

My cousin, not the dog.

Something good did come out of Chernobyl.

Excuse me?

How much do you charge for pictures with him?

Oh, it depends.

How nude do you want him?

Ew.

We mean for our kids... with the horse.

I don't think the "ew" was necessary.

You don't know what you're missing.

I mean, we're just walking him for our friend.

We'll give you $10 each.

Sold to the woman who... [chuckles wryly] "Doesn't" wanna see me naked.

Come on, 18!

Which is also the title of my adult film debut.

Mine would have been called, "Might As Well, I'm 24."

Excuse me, Mr. Moustache?

Could you stop feeling my ankle with your toes?

I guess that's a no.

Oh, 18 winner.

[gasps]

We won! I'm rich!

Now you have no sh*t with me.

Stay close, sweet cakes. You're good luck.

Here, buddy. Buy yourself some new sandals, and a round of mouthwash for the table.

All right, place your bets.

I placed mine on a liberal arts degree.

That's why I'm here.

[thumping]

Let it ride.

Max, maybe we should quit while we're ahead since we've never been before.

Aren't you worried that we might...

18 again!

Keep winning and never die!

Let's go with four.

The number of men who have flashed me since I've been on this riverboat.

Lucky four!

No more bets.

[horn blows]

all: Whoa!

Who's driving this thing?

Gary Busey?

Oh, four. No winners.

Yes, winners. We had four, but then the boat moved our chips.

Yeah, and it also spilled my soda.

So like I said: No winners.

Sure, we lost all our money, but at least you got to see some dongs.

Hey, Sophie, it's me Car... ah!

I fall for her...

[mimics Sophie] "Hello, this is Sophie" outgoing message every time.

We need them to send that money.

Oh, thank God. Hi, Sophie, it's...

[screams]

What's going on here?

Are you selling pony rides with Chestnut?

Yes, but you got to wait in line with the other kids.

No, you don't, buddy.

Up you go, champ.

Get your hands off me!

I don't want my picture taken!

Right now.

The girls asked me to make sure you're feeding him, and here you are pimping him out like... this isn't my wheelhouse.

Famous pimps, anyone?

What?

How dare they not trust us.

This stops now!

Unless your boy, Han, gets a little taste of the horse-play.

Here.

What's going on here?

Nothing.

I know a shady deal when I see one.

I was one of the loudest voices against the Louisiana Purchase.

Earl, what are you even doing here?

I thought you lived at the diner.

Well, thank God the girls asked me to check on Han checking on you too 'cause now this black male is about to blackmail you.

[gasps]

Okay, Earl's in too.

At a lesser percentage because odds are he'll forget about all of this momentarily.

Excuse me, manager.

We've been wronged, and not just generally by life.

I don't know who to complain to about that.

Is there a problem over here?

I'm the pit boss.

I also do the mentalist show in the John Wilkes Booth Ballroom.

Still lots of tickets available.

Yes, there's a problem here.

We just got cheated out of our winnings, and I was already cheated out of much of my 20s, but again, probably not your department.

Why don't I send a complimentary bottle of champagne to your room?

And by "champagne" I mean wine, and by "bottle" I mean box.

Uh, you know what? We'll take it here.

Would there happen to be a 7 Eleven Merlot?

Max, wine in our room sounds so much better.

We can relax and focus on each other for once.

Mm, great. What's the room number?

Oh.

I think she means oh-six.

I don't think so.

That room is still an active crime scene.

[clears throat]

Stowaways, huh?

I'll have the Coast Guard come and pick you up.

They're already coming for that guy.

I didn't wanna strip my clothes off and try to drive the boat.

It was that voodoo curse.

Damn you, Tim!

Look, dude, if you're really a mentalist, you'll know that I need to get to Texas to see my boyfriend.

[grunts]

I can tell that you're telling the truth.

Please, there has got to be a way we can work something out.

We'll do anything.

Well, she will. I'll do over the shirt stuff.

Your shirt.

If you take off that hat.

Is there anywhere in the world where I don't have to be a waitress?

Hooters?

Thanks.

I'm a cocktail waitress on the Mississippi River.

This is a worse vacation than the one with Ed Helms in it.

[grunts, chuckles] Sorry, sir.

Looking for some cell service.

Hey, why don't I sit in your lap and you can drive me around? Two birds, one stone?

[scoffs] I wasn't that attracted to you anyway.

I'm gonna go try to find some reception.

Seeing Randy miserable is the only thing that'll cheer me up right now.

[gasps] Maybe he's crying.

One vodka for the gentleman with the neck tattoo, and two vodkas for the lady who's into that sort of thing.

[gasps] Thank you.

Your catfish tower's on its way.

It takes two to carry the cocktail sauce lagoon.

Everything on double-zero.

Which has to be the Yelp rating of this boat.

Excuse me?

Could I get a white wine spritzer?

Oh, come on, Vera. We share a locker.

Oh, double-zero.

[gasps]

Winner.

Yes, I'm a winner again!

Suck it, river people.

What is going on over here?

Employees are not allowed to gamble.

Or, as of last week, sexually harass each other.

Thanks a lot, Craig.

Ugh.

Poindexter in the radio room wouldn't let me use the satellite phone.

Also, I broke your satellite phone.

That is it. You're fired.

That's the worst news I've heard since you said "you're hired."

There's a tug coming to swap out the toilet tanks.

I am putting you two on it.

As captains?

Or should I say, crap-tains?

Hey, everybody!

I got spinning wheels for Barbara's carriage.

Now's it's not just her attitude that's gangster.

Uh... can y'all keep it down, please?

I'm trying to set up my new wireless headphones.

Gonna make my WalkMan sound amazing.

This is ridiculous.

I'm trying to keep things on the down-low, and you three went on the biggest shopping spree since Ellen at a Men's Wearhouse sale.

Oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Han, why are you taller than the counter?

Just been eating right and getting enough sleep.

Yeah, something's weird.

You're almost the height of an adult penguin.

Fine! I treated myself to lifts.

I was sick of being nose to butt with everyone on the subway.

Check out Caroline's Instagram.

Looks like they're in more trouble than I was the last time I tried to put on overalls.

Ooh, they're on a tugboat filled with toilets, and she writes, "Help.

Please send money."

So... quick unfollow?

Or sleep on it and pow-wow in the morning?

No. We have to help them.

I lost the cord to these headphones anyway.

Oh, still got toilet boat legs.

Ugh, this place reeks of bait.

Oh, no, wait. That was me. My mouth was open.

More importantly, I finally have enough bars on my phone to stalk Randy on Snapchat.

Oh, great! All of our problems are solved, except for food, money, and a place to sleep.

So negative.

Have you not seen the sneeze-guard-less bait shop salad bar?

Speaking of pathetic, let me just check in on poor Randy.

Just another lonely night here in Texas... with all my new best friends!

All: Hey!

Ha-ha!

Hey! I was up next for Twister!

Classic Jake.

Hey!

Hey!

Ha. I'm sure he's just putting on a happy face.

That's obviously the only way to handle Jake.

Deep down, I can tell he's genuinely upset.

I'm just genuinely happy right now.

Ugh, this salad bar stinks.

No, wait. That's me again.

[phone chimes]

[gasps] Oh, my God, Max!

The diner people put money in our PayPal account!

They say it's from Chestnut, but he's not allowed on the Internet when we're not home.

I can't believe it.

Me neither.

The diner people are all we have in this world.

And I used to have a closet just for scarves.

No! That Randy's happy without me.

What am I doing?

I'm dragging you all over the country after some guy who isn't even interested in me anymore.

This is my worst idea since I told DeNiro to stick to comedy.

So, what are you saying?

I'm saying this is a mistake.

Let's just go home like you said after that hyena knocked you to the ground and tried to hump you.

Can I get $12 on number four?

And on which aisle can I find tucking tape?

Okay, I will just have these Slim Jims and a Ho-Ho.

It's not like I have to fit into couture today.

[Caroline gasps]

Stop hitting me.

Stop hitting me!

Girls, stop fighting.

I hate to see women fighting each other.

Well, unless, of course, it's Hoda and Kathie Lee over the last glass of chardonnay.

That's RuPaul!

From RuPaul's Drag Race!

We love your show. We used to watch it through our neighbor Jeff's window.

But then he met Dean, and now all they do is cook naked.

So we just watch that now.

Oh, you poor babies.

So, why the cat fight?

Did she steal your size 12 stilettos?

'Cause I would cut a bitch for that.

We were actually on our way to Texas to see if she and her ex could patch things us.

No, we're not going to Texas.

We're going back home.

Sometimes you got to admit defeat... and that there is a very live junebug in this macaroni salad.

Oh, no, honey. I do not like the sound of defeat.

You want to know where I'd be if I'd given up on my dreams?

Living right down the road managing a Dress Barn, driving 400 miles in a ball gown to sing karaoke.

I would not be the supermodel of the world that I am today, okay?

Hello.

Hey, listen. I'm driving to Texas if y'all want a ride.

Well, shall we sashay away?

You know that's copyrighted.

Say it again, and you owe me $12,000.

Aah!

Ah! Shotgun!

I'm sitting next to RuPaul!

No. I'm sitting next to RuPaul.

♪ ♪

(cash register dings)