02x10 - Musical Motel Property Bingo

[bunniefuu]

Heather: Up straight. Up straight.

It's like there's a string on your head.

It's just pulling you forward. Forward...

Heather.

What's up?

You want to watch me knock that bird's nest out of the tree?

No, I can't do that today because I-I'm helping Sam get ready for her audition for the school play.

Silence of the Lambs, the Musical: A Starling is Born?

Yeah.

Dad, you're distracting us.

No offense, Mom, but you're kind of taking up all the rehearsal time.

Oh. Okay.

I mean, I just think, if you want the role of Clarice, you can't just perform.

You have to... perform.

What's she doing?

What she's been doing for the last two hours.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Samantha: Oh, my God.

♪ I know he's eaten men ♪
♪ I don't know why he would ♪
♪ To me, his biggest crime ♪
♪ Was being misunderstood ♪
♪ Silence of the lambs ♪

Baa! Shh. Baa! Shh.

Baa, baa!

Mom, I've been working on this for weeks.

I'm just gonna focus on my singing.

Fine. Suit yourself, but I wasn't Annie because I focused on my singing.

You were never Annie.

Yeah. That's what I said. I wasn't Annie.

Ooh! Ooh, ooh.

Ooh, there's our little star.

Hey, how'd it go?

Oh, you look sad, but you could be acting.

I'm the understudy.

What?

This girl, who's the worst singer ever, got the part of Clarice.

I wish someone would make a skin suit out of her.

Hey, sweetie, sweetie, no, no, no, no. Listen.

Everything happens for a reason.

Okay, there is no reason for this.

Jack, hon, I need you in your nude leotard for Buffalo Bill's lotion dance.

And Carl? Carl, I know you're strapped to a hand truck, but your eyes have to be dancing.

Come on. Okay, and, everybody, general note, just pick it up.

Hi, Mr. Black, hi.

Hi. I'm-I'm Heather Hughes.

I'm Sam's mom, and I just wanted to come down and talk to you about Sam play... yeah.

Oh, no, no, no, that basket is not nearly big enough.

It's gotta fit all four lotionettes and Precious.

Where's my Precious? Precious.

(laughter)

Now, see, do you think that he is gonna fit in that basket?

Get real.

Look, Mrs. Hughes, if this is about the part of Clarice, I can't discuss it.

We at the school have a strict penis policy.

We're very firm.

You have a what?

A penis policy.

"Parental non-involvement at school"?

Oh.

All right, Clarice, let's take it from the top of the song.

♪ ♪

(flatly): ♪ I can't even classify ♪

(mouthing) ♪ The clues I have ♪
♪ To magnify ♪
♪ When all I want to do is cry ♪

Special Agent Starling.

(voice cracking): ♪ FBI. ♪

(music stops)

Brava, Ms. Sloan.

All right, back to one, everybody.

Wait, whoa, wh...

She's a Sloan?

(dramatic piano music sting)

No, Kiki.

That music cue is way too early.

(sighs)

Can you play piano?

Oh, this is outrageous.

Sam is a much better singer than this girl, but we didn't donate a building to the school.

Donating a building?

That's so '80s.

Yeah.

If we had that kind of money... I'd buy a submarine.

You know what? I don't care how much money the Sloans have.

All right, that does not give this teacher the right to play favorites.

And when Mama sees injustice, Mama fights injustice.

Oh, please don't start singing.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Sorry to make this a legal matter, but my lawyer is here to assure that this is taken seriously.

Yeah, I'm not her lawyer.

She just asked me to go to lunch.

Mrs. Hughes, like I said on the phone, Mr. Black has final say on all theater decisions.

Okay, you know what, let's go down to the auditorium.

Watch Georgette perform, then watch Sam.

Tell me what you think.

All right, let's get this over with.

So just not gonna have lunch today, then. That's cool.

♪ In this hole I'm just not me ♪
♪ In this hole I can never be ♪

Ugh. Mr. Black, would you mind letting Samantha perform?

Oh, no. Not at all.

Just like I don't mind running the Gay-Straight Alliance just because I'm the theater teacher.

Okay, uh, let's take it from the top of the lotion song.

And, Samantha, would you step in for us?

Thanks. All right, and... act now.

♪ ♪
♪ In this hole I'm just not me ♪
♪ In this hole I can never be ♪
♪ In this hole the world crashes down ♪
♪ While it rubs the lotion all around ♪

You didn't cast her?

♪ It puts the lotion if you ask it ♪
♪ It puts the lotion ♪
♪ In the basket ♪

(in perfect key): ♪ In the basket. ♪

Oh, yes! That's my daughter.

Let her finish.

Okay.

(bad Southern accent): You see a lot, don't you, Dr. Lecter?

Why don't you turn that high-powered perception at yourself?

Tell us what you see, or maybe you're too afraid to.

Legally speaking, she is terrible.

So I named the character in this novel Oliver, because that's what he wants from his love interest... all of her.

Brilliant.

Yes, I try to be so subtle that people barely understand it.

You really should write this down so that people can learn from your process.

Oh, I'm, uh, constantly recording myself.

Pick up dry cat food. No, no... wet.

Wet is so much more expensive but so much better for the animal.

Isn't it?

Hi. Hi. Sorry.

Wha-What are you doing here?

Oh, I just... I wanted to see if you want to go and grab some lunch.

Oh, is this your mother?

Oh, stop. (laughter)

Hi. I'm Heather. I'm Joan's daughter.

Sinclair Wilde.

Oh.

Your mother is an inspiration.

It's rare that I find a student so... so stimulating.

Mm-hmm. We stimulate each other.

Yes.

Oh. Wow.

She has awakened poetic urges I didn't realize I still... make that diet cat food.

He cares deeply about animals.

He's a true renaissance man.

Yeah.

Wilde: Yeah.

Oh, and paper towels.

Heather: Matt, this is serious.

What?

All right, listen.

They were all over each other.

Okay, but that doesn't mean that Mom is cheating on Dad.

Oh, have you not noticed that she talks about that professor more than Greg talks about being an inventor?

You're my big sister, and I love you, but you have to stop jumping to these ridiculous conclusions.

What?

Like when you thought the neighbor was running a brothel out of his house.

Oh, my... Matt, there were women parading in and out of his house at all hours of the night.

Those were his wife's hospice nurses.

I don't know, when those women stopped coming around, he was pretty upset.

Because his wife had just d*ed.

Oh, my God. Like the hookers k*lled his wife.

Hey, what you guys talking about?

Nothing. It's private.

Oh, give it a rest, Matthew.

You did not invent privacy, all right?

You're not the inventor in this family.

Come on, you guys always leave me out, ever since we were little kids.

We're adults now, so tell me what you guys are talking about or I'm gonna tell Mom.

No.

Heather: Yeah.

First you told me that I was a bastard.

Now you're telling me that I am gonna come from a broken home?

Don't you think it's possible that Mom gets some intellectual stimulation from this professor that she doesn't get from Dad?

Hey, guys, is this Cheeto's hair or your mom's?

This is Cheeto's hairbrush. I know that for sure.

I-I have no idea, Dad.

Where is your mom?

Yeah.

Come on, you guys. We gotta hurry up if we're gonna follow Mom.

Her class gets out in half an hour.

Shotgun.

No, I already called it.

In the house doesn't count.

No, I was in the hallway.

Guys. We do not have time for this.

Well, then tell Matthew that you heard me call shotgun.

All right, fine. Matt, you drive. Shotgun.

Aah! New driver cleans the slate.

Okay. Fine. I'll sit in the back for now.

But you want to know what, we are rotating seats every 20 minutes, like on family road trips.

Get in.

(engine starts)

Greg: Oh, man, I just sat on a banana.

Heather: All right, her class just got out, so she should be... oh, there she is.

Okay, she's on the move.

All right, I'm ready. Let's do this.

Four minutes left until we switch seats, guys.

Okay, guys, she is at a motel.

I-I don't like the look of this.

Okay, Heather, a lot of people go and visit motels.

It doesn't mean anything bad is happening.

I mean, look at that guy.

Selling dr*gs.

Heather: Yeah.

Okay, right there. She's going into a room.

I am sure that the professor's in there.

He's probably taking off his tweed coat and getting ready for an oral presentation.

(groans)

I'll tell you right now, I am not calling this guy Dad.

Mom, open the door.

I may be a bastard, but I am not coming from a broken home.

Kids, what are you doing here?

We are here to keep you from making a terrible mistake.

Oh, oh...

Joanie?

Is this part of the humiliation?

I think we're the ones making a terrible mistake.

I have to go.

Couldn't do this at home?

No. Sylvia the housekeeper's there on Wednesdays, and your dad needs a headboard for his move.

Well, that's great.

Now, uh, every Wednesday I will just think of that.

All right. You know what? Yeah.

I got carried away again, and I am so sorry that we had to see Dad tied up again.

Well, at least this time he wasn't dressed up like Santa.

Our electric bill has doubled.

A-Are you guys running a space heater and a fan at the same time?

Marriage is about compromise.

Okay.

Because you're not having sex, we thought that maybe this would be a good time to talk to you.

Your father and I think that you should start paying rent.

You want us to pay rent to live in our own home?

Take a look at this cable bill, all right?

We have a $150 pay-per-view charge for some Japanese anime series called Happy Raccoon Sailor Princess.

In our defense, we thought it was a p*rn.

You guys need to learn about responsibility.

This feels like a macro-aggression.

Well, I don't know what that is.

Why are they screaming at us?

You need to pay rent like real adults, unless you want to go to college, in which case we will completely support you.

I have never felt so unloved.

And you know what? If we're gonna pay rent, we may as well live in our own place, where Dad doesn't have to use our bathroom every time he has to soak.

I didn't ask to have corns, God gave them to me.

I know.

Nice hat. Are you guys Southern?

No, we're just adults.

Okay, uh, so, your first place.

Very exciting.

And let me just ask, how much can you afford in rent?

Oh, well we haven't compiled our financial dossier quite yet, but we are, of course, dollar cost averaging across the net gain, so, uh, let's just put that in the "We'll get back to you" column.

(clears throat)

Okay, guys.

So, uh, the way this works is: you're gonna need first month's rent, last month's rent, and a security deposit.

Wait, last month?

We didn't live in it last month.

Oh, dear.

Don, let's cut to the chase.

We can't pay you today, but we're in a band and our music is gonna be huge, and you can get in on the ground floor.

Yeah. Think about that.

Are you thinking?

(chuckles)

Here's a place you can afford.

This is just a drawing of a duck.

Yeah.

Tyler: And you've always helped me when no one else would, Pop-Pop.

Look, you're married now.

It's time to grow up.

But it's so hard.

Everyone keeps telling us no and stuff.

And they keep yelling at us.

You Millennials think everything's gonna land in your lap, but dreams don't pay for houses, money does.

And sometimes sex.

So we should have more sex?

I don't think I can do that, Pop-Pop.

No, no, no, no. Be resourceful.

You kids are smart. Figure something out.

You know what? He's right.

We are really smart, and we just need to work harder.

Clementine: Yeah, we can do that.

You know, if there's one thing I know, it's that the world is fair.

There you go.

Do things yourself.

That's the American way.

Joanie! Will you make me a sandwich?

I'll be in the hot tub.

Hey, big news!

What?

We found a place to live.

What? H-How did you do that?

Well, we went by a bunch of colleges looking for opportunities.

Oh, see, I told you they'd figure it out.

The best path, you guys.

Was it ever.

They had credit card applications everywhere, so we got, like, ten of them, and we used the money to buy a house.

Y-You what?

You can't buy a house with credit cards.

Then how'd we earn so many airline points?

Tim: Wait.

How do you think you're gonna pay off all that debt?

Well, you get cash back on anything you buy, so we'll be making money.

I just hope we can spend enough.

Man, I miss being as dumb as you guys.

So, where is this house?

Come on, I'll show you.

What is that?

Clementine: Isn't it cute?

Is that one of those fancy little mailboxes?

No, it's called a tiny house, but normal size people can live in them, too.

Pop-Pop told us to be resourceful, so we took his advice.

Yep, so we are homeowners now and real adults, and we don't need to rely on anyone for anything.

Mm.

Where you gonna put it?

Well, we were thinking backyard, but if you want to show it off, we're fine with front.

Clementine: Come on, honey. Let's go home.

(groans) I really had hope for that one.

♪ Take my hand ♪
♪ This will be the golden age for us ♪

Good God.

♪ Uh-uh-uh-uh-oh ♪
♪ Uh-oh-oh ♪

Tim: Where are they going?

♪ Take my hand ♪
♪ Take my hand. ♪

"Joan touches Greg's face."

Are-are you sure you can count on that?

(chuckling): Bitch, please.

Hey, Mom, will you get me another plate?

This one's dirty.

Oh, here, take mine.

(laughing)

Oh!

(laughing)

(Joan yelling)

She got me!

Mom got me!

Oh... (laughing)

Um, what's so special about the rooster plate?

No, please don't ask. Please don't ask.

Okay, it's the funniest story.

All right, so I used to do all of my holiday shopping from catalogs, and then...

A catalog is like a Web site, but it's on paper.

Thank you.

Okay, and so, um, one year, Heather wrote the wrong item number in her mail-in form.

Oh.

And...

Oh, wait, wait, let me tell his part.

Oh, right, good, good.

So, instead of ordering slippers, she ordered Mom this rooster plate.

Now, Mom-Mom sneaks the rooster plate in with the regular plates.

And this time, she got me!

Yay!

Yay!

Yay.

Yay. (chuckles)

Am I missing something?

Mostly their DNA.

See, there seems to be something in their genetic makeup that makes them think that story is frickin' hilarious, and sadly I know everything that these people will say or do for the next two hours.

Like, how in two seconds, John's gonna say a joke and Heather's not gonna like it?

John: It was kind of embarrassing for you, hmm?

Just sitting there with your cock out.

(laughing)

Heather: Dad!

Hi! Kids.

Huh?

Well, a rooster's also called a cock.

Hey, I can say animals.

Family Bingo.

Oh, I am loving this idea.

Okay, rules are: whatever a family member might say or do, you put in a box.

Then, first person to fill their card wins.

Like this?

"John does something super creepy with Cheeto."

Yeah, that's a solid start.

Right?

Yeah, very good.

You're gonna be so hard to b*at.

You have so much experience with this family.

Yeah, but I'm not blood, okay?

And I was all by myself until you came along, so it's very nice to have an outsider buddy.

Aw, that's so sweet.

"Colleen touches her heart and says, 'Aw.'"

One, nothing.

Oh, hey, Mom?

Yeah?

Can you save some of those potatoes for Tim?

He's always hungry after surgery.

"Heather mentions Tim is a doctor." Boom.

Oh, hey. There you are. You guys literally vanished.

I was literally about to call the cops.

"Matt abuses the word 'literally.'"

This is almost too easy.

I know.

What's too easy?

Ooh, what are those pieces of paper?

Nothing.

Damn it.

Out of here.

John: Hey!

What are you guys all doing upside down, huh?

Family Bingo? This is awesome.

Yeah, it's a game changer.

Suddenly, I want John to ask me which type of Mexican I am.

All right, I want to play.

Nah.

(gasps)

Yeah, we should let him. He's not real family, either.

(whining)

Oh, okay, fine, yeah.

But just don't ruin it.

Of course not! Look, since you guys got a head start, what if I get the four corners...

No.

Okay, how about this?

Instead of doing the whole sheet, we just do, like, an "X."

Nope.

All right, I'm just spitballing here.

Hmm?

But what if halfway through, we switch our paper?

All right, "Tim ruins something."

Check.

No, that doesn't count.

But that does.

I got to think of something.

(gasps)

Oh!

"Tim saves the day." You got that one?

No.

No.

Oh, I just ate peanut butter.

Give the captain a kiss.

Yes! That's a two-for-one.

"John refers to himself as the captain.

John tongue kisses the dog."

Damn! Okay, time to play a little offense.

Oh, Heather.

Yeah?

I think it's so great how you let Sam play on her phone when she needs a break from the family.

Heather: Hey, Samantha!

Come on, you know no screens at Sunday brunch.

Such a good mom. Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, babe.

Yeah?

Try this, it's so good.

Yeah.

Ooh.

What?

You've something in your... there you go.

Thanks, Mom.

I had that one, too, but I wrote down, "Joan marks Greg as her territory."

I just got one box left. You?

Yeah, me, too. I just need Sophia to say a word that Matt doesn't know.

I only got two left. Where's my paper?

I just had it. It's like...

Guys, what's this?

(gasps)

"Matt mentions high school glory days."

You talking about my three-touchdown game again, Mom?

"Heather thinks we're talking about her?"

What's that about me?

Joan: What-what?

Tim?

It's a simple explanation.

Mm-hmm.

That Jen will provide.

Go ahead.

What?

They're playing People Bingo, Joan.

Yeah, we used to play it in 'Nam, only ours was more like "if Bill loses a leg" or "Hank dies."

It's the same idea.

You do it to survive an intolerable situation.

Is that what you think about our brunch?

No.

No.

No.

No, it's just, look at it from our perspective, okay?

Most of your stories don't include us, so when you start to reminisce, what are we supposed to do?

Colleen: Well, Jen, we could have a great attitude and put on our listening ears.

"Colleen sucks up to Joan."

Can I have that?

Come on!

I only have one left.

Look, we are really so sorry that we had some fun at your expense.

No.

We owe you an apology.

You are so important to us.

Your lives are woven into ours, and you make our lives golden.

And I just hope that when I'm gone, you continue to... to weave together.

Thank you.

"Joan talks about her own death."

Bingo!

(laughs) Oh.

What?

Come on!

Oh...

Seriously?

I mean... shucks.