03x11 - Batman vs. The Penguin

[bunniefuu]

Oh, good.

Your whole g*ng's here.

Aah!

Are you okay? 'Cause your nails are hitting bone.

It's just, your friends are such a tight knit bunch.

They joke around with each other, and I feel like the new girl who doesn't know who to sit with in the cafeteria.

Well, you're in luck, because you get to sit next to the big man on campus.

Me.

Hey, everybody.

Say hi, loudly, to Charlotte.

Hey, Charlotte.

Hello!

Hello, Charlotte!

Why didn't you tell me Charlotte was deaf?

Emily, can you bring over another chair, please?

Oh! Great.

Thanks.

Glad I didn't wear a skirt. (chuckles)

You guys want any appetizers?

Yeah. How about a big veggie platter for the table?

Are you joking?

Of course I am.

Ha!

Just bring us one of everything, fried.

(laughs) Yeah. The way to win our hearts is to clog 'em.

Murph: Oh, hey! Guys.

My segment's about to start.

Hey, pipe down, everybody!

My client is about to come on TV.

(chuckling): No. N-Not Oscar.

My new client, Murph.

Crowd: Oh!

I'm in this segment, too.

Shh!

I'm Marcus Murphy, and this is Pick Against a Pro, where a local sports fan goes up against a professional analyst.

This week, our sport is hockey.

And our pro is veteran radio host, Oscar Madison.

"Veteran"?

Oh. That doesn't mean soldier, it just means old.

It's not a stretch, but I got to go with the Islanders over the Hurricanes, 'cause...

He kept talking. (chuckles)

Now let's hear from our amateur.

He works at the Central Park Zoo, and let's just say he's a pretty... cool customer.

The Ice Man.

(trilling)

And there you have it. The Ice Man seems pretty confident with the Hurricanes.

Unless he's just... winging it.

Murph, you could've told me The Ice Man was not a human.

Oh, sorry. I-I, personally, I always just assume bird unless told otherwise.

Hey. I almost forgot. I have extra tickets to tonight's performance of kabuki Shakespeare. Any takers?

(groaning)

Yuck!

Everyone said no to you!

Big deal. So the penguin randomly waddled through the Maple Leafs gate.

Any dumb animal can get lucky.

Man: So far, the penguin's 9-2, while you're 4-7.

Who's the dumb animal again, huh?

Yeah. Well, unlike The Ice Man, none of my family has been eaten by seals.

That's our show. Thanks for listening.

I'm Oscar Madison.

Wow. People can't stop talking about that bird.

I wonder if he has an agent.

Yeah. That Ice Man is pretty adorable.

More adorable than me, when I sign your paychecks?

Don't make me choose between cute and money.

(humming)

Hey.

How was your sports discussion broadcast?

Wall-to-wall penguins.

Global warming can't happen fast enough.

Well, I got to go. Work stuff.

Hi. I'd like to order a gift basket for a penguin.

Oh, hey.

Hey, everyone! Great news.

So, blings.com just asked me to be their Jewelry Designer of the Month!

Oh!

Insert cocky hair flip here.

(laughs) Look at you, getting all successful.

I know!

They even want a photo of me.

And lucky for me, I know a very gifted photographer.

Who is it? Felix must know him.

What do you say, Felix?

I would be honored. We could do it at my studio.

I'll block out the whole day for you.

Thank you so much!

My pleasure.

Oscar, would you like to help me with the dishes?

(scoffs) No.

There's a blueberry muffin batter bowl that needs licking.

Yes.

Can you believe how far we've come?

It's the kitchen. It's, like, eight feet.

Me and Emily. We're finally on the path to being friends again.

Don't you think that's gonna be a little awkward?

You two being alone after she dumped you?

No. It's the perfect way for us to get back to how it was before we started dating.

I don't know. The last time you looked at her Facebook page, you got so worked up, you had to take a bubble bath.

That was months ago, and those were foaming bath salts.

And I chose the perfect dress to showcase the jewelry.

(chuckles) Are you sure this is a good idea?

What?

A full-day photoshoot with your ex?

The last time you asked him to do something, it was to stop being your boyfriend.

That's why I chose him.

I already rejected him once.

If he heard I went with a different photographer, it would break his heart.

So, you're doing this because you feel guilty?

That's why I do most things.

My parents were very religious.

Besides, Felix is an incredibly talented photographer.

When we were dating, he used to take my picture all the time.

Hmm.

In fact, he took some very tasteful...

Don't say it.

...Boudoir photos.

I just think you guys are in a different place now, and I just, really think you should find another photographer.

No. I don't want to look for someone new.

I want Felix.

I can't imagine anyone being better for me than him.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. I'm not proud.

No, no. I just overheard Emily, and I think she might still have feelings for me.

Really?

Yes. I don't know what to do.

I've spent the past few months getting over her, and now, suddenly she's opening the door again.

This is very confusing.

How are you gonna handle the photo sh**t?

Well, I'll just have to hide my anxiety and appear completely professional.

I'll be calm and cool and collected.

Felix?

(screams)

Ooh! Sorry.

(chuckles) I was just gonna say, I will see you tomorrow.

And I'm looking forward to it.

Forward is also the direction that I am looking.

To it.

"It" being the photo sh**t. Hasta mañana.

Hi, Felix.

Oh! Emily. Welcome to the photo studio.

(they chuckle)

You can put your coat over there.

Oh.

(shrieks)

Is that what you're wearing?

Yeah. Is it too much?

No. (chuckles)

Maybe it's too little. Ha, ha...

(exhales)

Well. Shall we get started?

Great. So, what do you want to do with me?

Are you okay?

Ah. Okay. So, let's just, uh... get you, uh, on your mark over here.

Okay.

And, uh...

Okay. Good. Um... And the, uh, uh, the necklace needs to move a little bit more, into the, uh, the center, of, uh, you're, um...

Hmm?

Chestal region, there.

Oh.

I'll let you do that.

Great! And perfect. Let's start sh**ting, shall we?

Oh!

Okay. (chuckles)

Great. Shoulders back. Okay, not that far back. And long neck, Long neck. Way longer.

Not that long. Obviously, not that long.

Great. And tilt the head?

Let's get a head tilt. Other way.

Other way, obviously. Obvi... Okay. Great.

And smile. It's great.

This feels a little awkward.

You're telling me. (sniffles)

Murph: After a week,

The Ice Man is ahead with a record of 21-7, while Oscar Madison is 14-14.

Seems like Oscar's picks are... for the birds.

Yeah!

Hey, everybody.

I brought snacks.

I already ate. I had a baby carrot yesterday.

No. Not veggies.

Heart-clogging hot wings!

Ooh, girl!

Oh!

If you insist.

Bring 'em here, woman!

Hmm-hmm... Uh-uh-uh!

You better not, Oscar. You know how birds make you choke.

(laughter)

Yeah. Instead of calling them bird brains, they should call them Oscar brains.

(laughter)

Yeah, Oscar. You know, the penguin's your arch enemy, but you're no Batman.

What?

You got it, Charlotte!

You go, girl. Burn, baby. Burn!

Laugh all you want, but I'm not giving up.

I'm gonna tap into my NHL source and get some inside information.

The penguin's lucky streak is about to end.

Well, you're gonna need this.

Why?

'Cause you're about to get foiled again!

(laughter)

(grunting)

Actually, that is not from the Batman world, that's from...

Whatever, nerd!

(laughter)

Have a wing, have a wing, girl.

Go Bailey!

So...

What do you think?

My mom told me that if I don't have something nice to say, to just change the subject.

Isn't is amazing how long turtles live?

(groans)

You hate these pictures as much as I do.

I'm sorry, girl, but these stink.

I know. You were right. It was so uncomfortable.

Felix wouldn't even touch me.

It was like I was a motel bedspread.

You have got to get new photos, and if you can't relax with him, then you got to use somebody else.

No. I can't fire Felix.

I'm trying to erase my guilt, not add to it.

Then you need to ask him for another sh**t, but this time, do it someplace where you, you feel comfortable and-and you're relaxed, not when you're looking like someone who...

Ate bad Mexican food?

Mm.

Swallowed a bug?

Girl...

Just got their kidneys stolen?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Felix. This is Luc Robitaille. He was a King.

Your Highness.

No, no. He used to play hockey for the L.A. Kings.

He's giving me the inside scoop on all the games.

Inside scoop?

I thought we were just catching up.

We are.

We're catching up on, uh, the fact that the Rangers' goalie has insomnia, Duran's being audited, and, uh, what's up with Korczak?

He's been terrible lately.

His mom's in a coma.

Yes!

I mean, because she still has a chance to pull through.

Oilers... to lose.

I have to go. Bye, Oscar.

Give it up. That bird's your daddy.

Oscar, I'm in a tough spot. I need some advice.

Really? Are you having your ass handed to you by a penguin?

No, it's Emily. Now I am positive that she wants to rekindle things.

At the photo sh**t, she wore a sexy dress, and she was practically begging me to touch her.

And take a look at the sexual tension in these photos, huh?

Love, love... lust.

Really? 'Cause that looks like a still from a hostage video.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know. I mean, if she's up for it, maybe I am, too.

Well, just be careful.

I would hate to see you get hurt.

(phone vibrates)

Pittsburgh lost?

How could a penguin not pick the Penguins?

Hey, Felix.

Emily.

Hey.

Hello.

Hi. (chuckles)

Um, I just looked at the photos... love them.

In fact, um, I love them so much I actually want more.

I was wondering, could we maybe do another day together?

Really?

Yeah.

And I was thinking that, um, maybe this time we could do it in a more, uh, relaxed setting.

Maybe I could come to your place.

What do you say?

I say okay.

Great. It is a date.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Charlotte.

There she is!

Hey.

I just heard the score of the Devils-Flyers game.

Sorry, you lose. Peng-win!

(laughter)

I don't understand how this bird is winning so much.

Unless someone's helping him.

Someone from the inside.

If you weren't my boss, I'd call you crazy.

Charlotte, call him crazy.

No, actually, I think maybe Oscar's right.

Maybe the penguin's got a mole on the inside.

An actual mole!

(laughter)

Damn, Char, you are bringing it!

Ah-ah!

Oscar, the show starts in a minute.

Yeah, I'll be right back there.

Did you see that? I'm finally fitting in.

They even called me "Char."

That's, like, halfway to a nickname.

Yeah, and all you had to do was throw me under the bus.

What?

Just because they're being jerks doesn't mean you have to go all Don Rickles on me.

I wish somebody had my back. I wish you had my back.

Are you serious right now?

Is all the yelling and arm waving not clear?

I'm sorry, I'm just in a bad place.

Because of the penguin thing?

I know it's silly, but knowing sports is my job, and now I'm turning into a laughing stock at the one thing I'm supposed to be good at.

If I lose that, what do I have?

Oscar, I'm sorry.

I didn't know it was bothering you so much.

That's because I'm good at hiding it.

I've got many levels.

Well, two.

Oscar, the show starts in 30 seconds.

Oh, and there's a zoo in Florida that wants to see if you can outwit a manatee.

But don't worry, I did some research, and they're real dumb.

You probably can do it.

(man clucking)

Well, that doesn't sound like a penguin at all.

That sounds like a chicken, so the joke's on you.

My point was you're scared of the penguin, so you're a chicken.

Oh, well, that's pretty good.

Please tell me that's our last caller.

Nope. Up next is Charlotte, from Manhattan.

Hello, Charlotte, you're on the air.

Hi, Oscar.

Everybody thinks that penguin is so classy because he looks like he's wearing a tuxedo, but I think you're right.

Deep down he's a cheating, flightless little bastard.

Go on.

If I were you, I'd go down to that zoo and see what he's up to.

And if you have a supportive girlfriend, maybe you could bring her, too.

Charlotte from Manhattan, that is a great idea.

Thanks for calling.

I'm gonna go get that penguin.

Oscar? Oscar, you got...

Oh, yeah, 40 minutes of show left.

Do you really need sunglasses?

I don't want The Ice Man to recognize me.

Ugh! Do penguins not have noses?

Oscar: Well, something definitely smells fishy around here.

I'm doing a Batman thing.

Yeah, I got it. It's good.

So... what's your theory on how the penguins are cheating?

Well, you see that bucket of fish right there?

Maybe somebody who knows a lot about hockey is luring The Ice Man through the right gate.

But how do we bust them?

Well, Batman would wait till the coast was clear, and then he'd scale this wall and catch the bad guys red-handed.

Whoa. Maybe you're Batman.

Uh, no, Oscar, that's your thing.

No, I like it.

I'm dating Batman.

Okay, come on.

What?

Come on.

In...

It's a two-foot wall. Scale it, scale it!

Whoa. The smell is definitely not getting better.

Murph: Hey, you guys set up in your usual spots.

Murph's here!

Hide!

Hide, hide!

Oh...

Hey, Felix. Are you ready?

I think so. Not totally sure.

I've been thinking about it all day.

I guess let's just proceed and see what happens, hmm?

(hesitantly): Okay.

Well, um, just to make it a little more comfortable this time, do you mind if I put on some music?

Uh, okay, sure.

Okay, great.

Of course.

Ooh.

Can I dim the lights a little?

Ooh, maybe I'll pour some wine.

It'll set the mood.

Help us relax.

(romantic music playing)

Okay. (chuckles)

Second time's a charm.

Emily, I can't do this.

No, you can relax.

I saw you do it once.

No, what I mean is... we can't get back together.

W-Wait, what?

I heard you say that you want me, and then you invented a reason to come here for the second photo sh**t, with the wine and the freaky sex music.

Felix...

(shushing)

Don't embarrass yourself, kid.

It's funny, a couple months ago this would have been exactly what I was hoping for.

But I know that since our breakup, I have grown, and in my heart, I have moved on.

And, yes, it was hard to get over.

But I did it, and you can, too.

Wow. (chuckles)

You really put all that together, didn't you?

Uh, news flash, when you want something, you are not a subtle woman.

(laughs)

You know what? You are right.

Of course.

And I'm-I'm really glad that you Mm-hmm.

Picked up on all my obvious clues, and didn't think this was all just some crazy ploy to get photos for that Web site.

As if.

And since you kind of just broke up with me, now it's like we're even.

I mean, now we can hang out as friends, and I don't have to feel bad about breaking up with you anymore.

Yes. Emily, I'm setting you free.

Oh...

(chuckles)

Well, I mean, since we're here, should we take some pictures just for fun?

Sure.

Just as friends?

Just as friends.

Wait, don't move. You look perfect.

(camera shutter clicks)

Are they still there?

Oscar: It may be a while.

Murph's having trouble pronouncing the word "Montreal""

What's that?

Um...

Bat Juice.

You okay?

There's something I didn't tell you.

Birds absolutely terrify me, with their pointy beaks and their flesh-ripping talons.

I don't think...

They used to be dinosaurs!

Wow, you're really scared, and you still did this for me?

Of course.

I love you, Oscar.

And I've got your back no matter what.

(Oscar grunts)

Pointy nails on my bone again.

(whispering): Look behind you.

So many birds.

Okay, let's get you out of here.

No, we can't go now.

We still haven't figured out how the penguins are cheating.

And what if the camera crew sees you?

Oh, I don't care about them anymore.

All I care is that Charlotte from Manhattan is on my side.

Okay?

Don't look directly at them.

Oscar?

Oh, guys, forget the "Mon-treel" segment, sh**t this.

Oh, no, another one.

(trills)

Well, well, well... we finally meet face to face.

You may think you're pretty cool, but you're just a penguin, and I'm Batman!