08x12 - Pitch Imperfect

[bunniefuu]

[Crow caws]

[Muffled] Ah, Mom, this is awesome.

You never make ribs.

Well, we had some extra, and I thought you might like to eat something home-cooked.

Well, home-reheated, actually.

Are you really gonna let me ride your motorcycle after this?

Sure. Take it for a spin.

And if you're still looking for a chair for the 'Bago, we never use the one in Sue's anymore.

Oh. This is the best dinner ever.

So, son... How's school?

[Normal voice] Oh, my God. This is a trap.

You tricked me! You just wanted to talk to me.

It's a trick. It's a talk-trick.

Well, I'm just gonna finish these ribs, ride your motorcycle, grab my chair, and then I'm out of here.

Look, Axl...

We don't want to put any pressure on you, but we weren't sure if you realize you're graduating in four months, and we wanted to make sure you're thinking about what you're gonna do with your life when those four months are up.

Bill Norwood told me that his company is having interviews for an entry-level position to do... whatever it is his company does.

And I can help you with your résumé.

I've had lots of jobs, so I know all the best action verbs to use.

Oh, my God.

For your information, I'm already on it, okay?

I got a résumé, I'm going to the job fair, I got a haircut scheduled, I still got that tie that Dad tied for me.

So, look... I know your other kids didn't really live up to your expectations, but trust me... [Clicks tongue]

I got this.

Well, that's great.

I mean, I knew you were fine.

Your dad was so worried.

I can't believe this place... remote-control blinds, a*t*matic fire place, ice maker for cubes and crushed ice...

It's amazing.

No, it's not, Brad. It's horrible.

All this opulence is turning me into someone I don't think I like.

Then why are you smiling?

I am so happy!

Money does buy happiness...

I don't want it to be true, but it is.

Well, it's a good thing you had a foundation of poorness so you can really appreciate all this.

Mm.

Oh. Is that the time? I got to go.

I've got no-cut a cappella practice.

We're competing at "Hot Dragon Nights."

Uh... So you want to hit a movie after?

Breakfast? Brunch? Dinner? Early-morning run?

Brad, your calendar seems a little open.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Leaving NYU and coming to East Indy...

It's been an adjustment, that's all... still trying to see where Brad fits in.

Oh, I'm sorry. Okay, look...

We can definitely talk about this more when I get back.

But till then, please, stay, enjoy.

[Gasps] Check out the smart toilet in the bathroom.

I didn't know it, but our toilets at home were so dumb.

[Door opens, closes]

Brad, what am I thinking?

I hope you're thinking I should come with you to no-cut a cappella.

[Sighs]

Well, Cindy and I are having troubles.

Oh, good. Your mom's here.

Oh, good. Your dad's here.

N... It's you, Mike.

It's a boy coming to his dad with woman problems.

No, it's you.

He needs help with a girl, and you were once a girl.

You know the drill...

You got to deal with the same gendered child's problems.

Well, how's that fair?

Then I got to deal with twice as many problems as you.

It's refreshing to see my parents fighting so much to get out of helping me.

[Sighs] Cindy says I spend too much time reading.

How long you two been dating?

Three years.

Oh, yeah...

You still got years of compromise ahead of you.

You got to lay a lot of groundwork before you reach the point where we are, where nobody cares.

Then, when you stop caring, you're in the sweet spot where you get to back to doing whatever you want to do again.

And, sure, you'll still have spurts where you think you want to do things together, but when you do... never as good as it was in your mind.

Wait... You're saying I have to just suck it up and do what she wants?

Now you do, if the goal is this.

[Indistinct conversations]

Guys, big news...

My friend Brad Bottig has agreed to join our group.

You know we needed another singer for the boy parts, and Brad comes to us directly from NYU.

Not Northern Yukon... The one in New York City.

Oh, my God.

Wow. -Whoa!

Look, I know you guys are already deep into practices for Hot Dragon Nights, but I'm not here to derail the train, just help the train down the tracks.

Uh, know anything about choreography?

Oh, you tell me. [Chuckles]

[Whispering] Five, six, seven.

Whoa!

Wow!

Chase: What about costumes?

I made a Technicolor dreamcoat.

Oh, for Joseph?

No.

Wow.

Would you consider being our leader?

Well, I wouldn't want to step on your leader's toes.

There are no toes. We have no leader.

All in favor of Brad leading us?

All: Aye!

Oh, my God.

To go from nothing to president of no-cut a cappella...

I love East Indy so much!

All right, well, obviously, I need to get caught up, so show me what you've been working on.

Wow me.

[Softly] Five, six, seven...

[Off-key, out of sync] All: ♪ What doesn't k*ll you makes you stronger ♪
♪ Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum ♪
♪ Stand a little taller ♪
♪ Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum ♪
♪ Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone ♪
♪ Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum ♪

[Singing stops]

Wow.

[Singing stops]

Hey, excuse me... The line's back there.

[Blows raspberries]

Didn't think it'd be so crowded.

I mean, what's the rush?

We got a whole four months till graduation.

Four months? We're juniors.

Pfft. [Laughs]

Check it out. These dorks are juniors.

Yeah, we're all juniors.

What?

Seriously, if you're not on an employer's radar by your junior year, you are screwed.

Whaaaat?

That can't be true, can it?

My brother graduated with an MBA.

Now he lives in my parents' basement.

Mm.

So, any idea where the senior line might be?

Hah... It's called the unemployment line.

Oh, come on.

You can't all be juniors.

I'm not.

Thank you.

I'm a sophomore.

Let's go!

We're storming the campus career center!

Wait... We're doing what now?

I was just at the job fair, and there was a bunch of juniors out there.

Juniors! They're taking all the seniors' jobs... our jobs!

Look, don't drag me into this. I already got a job.

Since when?

Do you ever listen to me?

Remember? I told you...

Johnson, Walian and Blum snapped me up last year.

They're even paying for me to go to grad school, too.

That's not fair.

An engineering job and grad school?

You're taking up two spots. Why didn't you guys tell me I had to start job hunting junior year?

Hutch, I can see you not saying anything, but Kenny?

Hey, I tried to get you to go with me to that job-hunting workshop last year, and you said, and I quote, "Nah, it's cold."

[Keyboard clacking]

Well, not as cold as it is now!

Ah... Kenny, maybe we can throw in together, huh... start BossCo Two or maybe try to get hired as a team?

Kenny doesn't need a job.

He's made some serious bank designing and selling apps.

He's just a couple years away from retirement.

Have you seen his net worth?

Oh, my God.

Kenny, are you hiring?

I was, 12 months ago.

I am so screwed!

I thought I was finally on top of something, but I'm not.

You know, this is so not my fault.

This is the college's fault.

I would not want to be East Indiana State right now, 'cause I'm gonna go out there and be a big failure, and it's gonna look so bad on them.

Turn.

Really?

'Cause I'm a fast reader, and I'm not even done, and I've read this book before.

Turn.

But you have to breathe the words in.

Let them roll around in your head and savor the...

Turn.

[Sighs]

Why are we doing this again?

You said you wanted to spend more time with me, and I didn't want to give up reading, so my parents suggested we compromise.

So I thought we'd read a book together.

[Door opens, closes]

Hey, Tweedle-Weird and Tweedle-Weirder.

You know, there's better things to do on that couch than read?

Just floating that out there.

Turn.

Oh, hey, Axl. What are you doing home?

Oh, you didn't get sick from those ribs, too, did you?

That is the last time I buy ribs at a garage sale.

I knew it was too good to be true.

No, no, I'm fine. Fine.

I thought I'd just come by, say hi, relax, see the fam.

[Laughs] So, how's work?

Fine.

Same old, same old.

That's cool.

Um, Dad, you know that Mr. Norwood job you mentioned?

God, I was thinking, pfft, it'd be really bad if he wanted to interview me and I said no, you guys being friends and all.

Don't worry about it. I know you got a lot going on.

Right. Right.

Oh!

Hey, Mom, you want me to stir this for you?

That's not food!

I'm boiling your dad's work socks.

[Clank]

But, still, you know, it was so nice of Mr. Norwood to offer.

I should at least meet with him, right, for the interview practice? I'll give him a call.

Oh, and, Dad, I may need you to tie another tie for me, 'cause I ruined the other one playing pirates with Hutch.

♪ La la la la la ♪

Frankie: So, there was a reason no-cut a cappella was no-cut.

All: ♪ La la la la la ♪

They were terrible.

Yeah...

♪ La la la la la ♪

But that just made Brad more determined.

And... and...

He worked 'em morning...

...and don't forget to smile!

...he worked 'em night...

One, two, three, four...

Until finally...

[Off-key, except Brad]

All: ♪ What doesn't k*ll you ♪
♪ Makes you stronger ♪
♪ Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum ♪
♪ Stand a little taller ♪
♪ Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone ♪
♪ Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum ♪
♪ What doesn't k*ll you makes a fighter ♪
♪ Dum, dum, dum... Ohh! ♪

Footsteps even lighter... Ohh!

Okay, okay, okay... let's stop there.

Was that better? That felt better.

Well, with seven weeks to the competition, I think we'll be okay.

It's this Friday.

[Sighs] Even better.

Hi. We'd like to sign up for Hot Dragon Nights.

Our group is called The Duly Noted.

Are you a sorority or a fraternity?

Oh, neither... We're the no-cut a cappella group.

I'm sorry, but this is just for real groups.

Don't get me wrong... You no-cut people are fine for signing at the old-folks' home or caroling at the gate of the outdoor pool, but this is a very serious competition.

Excuse me... Where in your bylaws does it say no-cut groups can't enter?

Oh, it does... I imagine.

But just to make sure, I'll check.

♪ Bum, ba-dum, bum-bum, bum, bum, ba-dum ♪

You know, Sue, there's something we haven't thought of that might make no-cut a cappella better.

What?

Cuts.

[Stammers]

Brad, we are no-cut a cappella.

"No-cut" is right there in the name.

I'm sorry, but Chase is tone-deaf.

And Hannah... I don't know what she's doing, but it ain't dance steps.

Without those two, we might have a fighting chance.

Look, Brad... I don't know if you remember how painful high school was, but I do.

We have to stay no-cut.

There has to be a place for people who are only mildly interested in things.

[Sighs] Oh, you're right. Oh, what was I thinking?

Wow. Six weeks in New York really darkened my soul.

Once you've seen a rat with half of another rat in its mouth, it hardens you.

Well, it looks like there's nothing specific against no-cut groups.

Apparently, common sense has ruled up until now.

But if Dully Noted wants to perform, I can't stop you.

It's "Duly."

We'll see about that.

Woman: "The lights grow brighter as the Earth lurches away from the sun, and now the orchestra is playing yellow"...

She's stressing the wrong words!

I didn't hear that sentence. Go back.

En... [Sighs]

[Phone turns off]

I just don't get how you can "listen" to a book.

There's no fonts to look at, there's no paper to touch.

They've removed two of the senses, and the truth is sometimes I lick them, so that's three.

I don't like this either.

I'm just doing it for you, because you won't give up books.

[Scoffs] What if I asked you to give up shrimp?

Now you've made it ugly.

I'm just saying... If you love someone, you shouldn't make them do something they don't want to do.

Books are my life. You can't expect me to give up something that's such a part of me.

Fine.

The truth is the audio book wasn't working for me either.

I'm not really into books.

I'm more into fashion.

Well, except for "Planet Nowhere."

Never read it.

What?! How have we never talked about this?

You were reading.

Wh... You have to read it!

How else are we gonna have a "Planet Nowhere" wedding?

When I hand you the Branch of Truth, you're not gonna know what to do!

You don't want to look like an idiot.

Aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself?

Look, "Planet Nowhere" speaks to me.

If you don't know those books, you don't know me.

Please, just... read the first chapter.

Fine. I'll read them for you.

But I better like it, or you'll be getting the Branch of Truth.

[Chuckles nervously]

Hey, Axl! How's it going?

Mr. Norwood. I'm good.

Yeah.

So, tell me where you're from.

[Laughs]

I'm just kidding, man. Thanks for coming in.

Well, uh, yeah. Thanks for meeting with me.

Yeah. Seems like just yesterday you were popping wheelies past my house and now here you are, looking for a job.

Yeah, well, uh, it's never too early to start looking.

Yeah.

Really... never too early.

I, uh, graduate in four months, but, you know, I started the job search way before this.

Oh, you got to. It is so competitive out there.

Yeah.

Hey, let me ask you a really important question.

Does your dad ever wear those sunglasses that I got him?

What?

No! You know what, never mind.

It's... forget about it.

Let's take a look at this résumé, huh?

[Performing "Carry On" by Fun.]

Wow, they're really good.

And nobody's tripped once.

♪ Carry o-o-o-n ♪

Okay, sure, they're phenomenal like Josh Groban and Beyoncé had a baby and it was this group.

But we're good, too!

♪ Carry o-o-o-n ♪

Is that a back handspring?

Oh, my God. Why do we have to follow them?

Ugh. I wish we were the group after us.

♪ Carry on, carry on ♪

I've never been more nervous in my life.

If she doesn't like it, where does that leave us?

I can't be with someone who doesn't love "Planet Nowhere."

What are the odds of you finding another girl who likes you and "Planet Nowhere"?

You're really threading the needle here, buddy.

Check it out. I crushed it at my interview with Mr. Norwood, so I celebrated by buying myself some work duds.

[Laughs] Oh, look...

[Pocket watch jostles]

It's half past "I'm awesome."

[Laughs]

You bought new work clothes before you got the job?

You don't buy a suit for the job you have.

You buy a suit for whatever job Mr. Norwood's company does.

Well, don't Heck it up. The job's not yours yet.

Oh, it will be.

When I go after something, I get it.

Lifeguarding... "Here's your whistle."

Movie theater... "Welcome to show biz."

Little Betty? Meet Big Axl.

[Cindy coughs]

Oh, God! What does that mean?!

Relax. She probably just hit the chair cushion and dust flew up.

If she loves "Planet Nowhere," then I can love her.

But if she only likes it then I can only like her, because I love it, and she only likes it.

[Exhales sharply] Oh, but if she loved it and I loved her, that would be the best love of all!

But what if she hates it?

Ohh... Oh, my stomach is so twisted around.

I got to lie down.

[Door bell chimes]

Oh! H-Hey, Mr. Norwood. You want to come in?

Um, that's okay.

I got to head home for dinner.

Paula bought these ribs at a garage sale, so...

Anyhoo, I wanted to stop by and tell you in person...

Unfortunately, we had to give the job to somebody else.

Not my decision...

The other guy just... just had more experience.

I just wanted to let you know you did great.

I mean, really impressive.

The guys upstairs are gonna be kicking themselves for not snatching you up.

Well, thanks. I appreciate that.

And, hey, thank you for letting me know in person.

Of course. Sure you're okay?

Oh, yeah. I'm all good. These things happen.

You're not gonna get every job you go out for. [Chuckles]

Yeah, your dad told me how many things you got lined up, so I know you'll be fine.

All right, take care, buddy.

Hey, by the way, love the treads.

Thanks. [Laughs]

[Voice breaking] I didn't get it, Mommy!

Oh, God, I'm the worst!

I suck! Ugh!

Hey, hey, hey, it's okay.

So you didn't get this job.

You've got all those other irons in the fire.

[Normal voice] I lied! There's no fire!

There's no irons!

I was supposed to start job hunting a year ago, and now I'm graduating in May, and I've got nothing... nothing but amazing hair.

God, why can't that be enough?

Dad, you need a better friend. I hate Bill Norwood.

You're taking this really well.

Ohh! I got no job prospects!

Wait a second... I could take over the diaper business.

I have a job. It's perfect.

Uh, did we not tell him?

Here's the thing, Axl. You haven't been around a lot.

I sold the business.

What?

I was supposed to be a diaper heiress.

You wouldn't be an heiress.

Well, not now.

At least I'll get to keep some of the money.

We spent it on Sue.

Oh, G... [Wheezes]

Stupid watch! Stupid vest!

Nope, don't need these anymore, 'cause I'm not going anywhere.

Honey, don't take your clothes off.

No!

These clothes are for winners, and I am a loser.

God! You know what?

Just face it. I peaked in high school.

I'm nothing but a boxer-short-wearing, messy-haired divorcé!

I'll just park my 'Bago in the driveway and live out there.

So, you really don't have anything else going on, no résumés anywhere, no leads, no job possibilities?

Oh, Dad, make her stop!

I'm sorry. I'm making it worse.

Boy problem. Let me know when it's fixed.

[Grunts]

Come on. Get up.

[Groans]

Okay, so you hit a bump.

You're gonna be fine.

You always find a way to make things work out for you.

You said so yourself.

And you're a social guy.

You got your mom's thing of actually liking people.

No, but that's the problem. I'm too social.

I needed to be more like you... a solid, strong, good provider.

But I-I'll never be able to do that.

I'm a freakin' mess. I'm done.

[Scoffs] You're 22. You're not done.

Trust me, life is gonna kick you around a lot, so you might not want to tear off all your clothes and flop around on the floor every time you hit a setback.

Especially this floor.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

You've always been, like, super responsible.

Well, I don't know about that.

I... I remember one time when I was about your age, maybe a little older. [Inhales sharply]

I had an interview for this job at a, uh, roofing-supply company, and I really needed this job.

I was totally broke, even more broke than we are.

Whoa.

Yeah.

So I went in there, all prepared, and I nailed it.

And I was so pumped when I came out that I got in my Chevette, and I cranked up the tunes, and I did a bunch of donuts in the parking lot.

[Inhales sharply]

And then I look up to the window, and there's the two guys that had just interviewed me staring down at me and shaking their heads.

So you didn't get the job.

I don't know. I never heard back.

But a few weeks later, I interviewed at the quarry, and this time, I made sure to pull out of that parking lot like an old grandpa.

Point is, things kind of have a way of working out.

So, was the donut thing the only time you screwed up?

It's the only one you need to know about for now.

I'm sorry. I can't take it any longer.

My life is hanging in the balance.

I got to know!

[Gasps]

She gave me the finger.

She loves it!

♪ Aah ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Okay. We're up.

Announcer: And that was the Greek-Appellas.

Let's give it up one more time for 'em.

[Cheers and applause]

I can't do this!

What? Chase, no! What do you mean?

I don't belong here. I'm not a singer.

I'm only mildly interested in a cappella.

Really? Aw, that's disappointing.

But I get it if you have to go.

All right, everybody else, fill in.

Uh, if Chase isn't doing it, I can't do it.

He's better than I am.

Aw, no. You, too, Hannah?

Oh, well. Everyone, let's thank Chase and Hannah for all their hard work.

Now, fill in, fill in. [Exhales sharply]

Well, if they're leaving, I want to go, too.

No, no, no, you can't all quit!

I mean, Chase and Hannah, you guys still can, 'cause you were first, but, everyone else, come on.

It doesn't matter if the other teams are good.

We have spirit and heart, and that counts for more than talent.

[Sighs] Yeah, you guys, come on. You can't quit.

I had to fight for us to be in this competition.

What? They didn't want us?

Well... [Sighs] I'm not making a fool of myself.

I invited a girl I like to this!

No, you should...

[Sighs]

Wait, guys! Come back!

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dully Noted!

[Scattered applause]

[Exhales sharply]

♪ Oo-o-o-oh ♪
♪ You know the bed feels warmer ♪
♪ Sleeping here alone ♪
♪ Do-do, do-do, do-do, do-do, do-do, ♪
♪ Aa-a-a-a-ah ♪
♪ You know I dream in color ♪

[b*at boxes]

♪ And do the things I wan... ♪
♪ Want ♪
♪ You think you got the best of me ♪
♪ Think you've got the last laugh ♪

[Audience boos]

You suck!

You guys stink!

You suck!

[Conducting] Boo, boo, boo, boo!

Audience: Boo, boo, boo, boo!

You guys suck!

[Conducting] You suck, you suck, you suck!

Audience: You suck, you suck, you suck!

[Chanting] All: You suck, you suck, you suck!

Boo!

All: You suck, you suck, you suck!

Boo!

You suck, you suck, you suck!

Boo!

[Audience continues chanting]

♪ What doesn't k*ll you makes you stronger ♪
♪ Stand a little taller ♪
♪ Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone ♪
♪ What doesn't k*ll you makes a fighter ♪
♪ Footsteps even lighter ♪
♪ Doesn't mean I'm over, 'cause you're gone ♪
♪ O-o-oh ♪
♪ What doesn't k*ll you makes you stronger ♪
♪ Stronger ♪
♪ Just me, myself ♪
♪ And I ♪
♪ What doesn't k*ll you makes you ♪
♪ Stronger ♪
♪ Stand a little taller ♪
♪ Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone ♪

Audience: You suck, you suck, you suck...

♪ Stronger ♪

[Cheers, applause, laughter]

What part are you...

Shh.

Frankie: Boy, they found their sweet spot early, huh?

Mike: Good for them.

You know, I was gonna go with Nancy to check out this ice-sculpture demonstration at the mall, but I can cancel it, and we can do something together if you want.

Nah. I don't really want to.

Good, 'cause I didn't really want to cancel.

But what matters is we still pretend to care.

I'll never stop pretending, baby.

Both: Shh!