03x10 - The Best of Orlando

[bunniefuu]

I got something at the restaurant today.

Any chance that envelope is filled with green onions?

Mommy asked me to get the green onions at the store, but I grabbed the leeks instead.

It's like the cilantro/parsley incident all over again.

"Dear Louis Huang, it is our great pleasure to inform you that the Best of Orlando Awards have named you Small Businessman of the Year"!

Can you believe it? [Gasps]

Oh! Louis, this is amazing!

We only opened up the restaurant a couple years ago.

This letter must be celebrated.

From the fridge to the trash.

I am taking it on the chin today.

There's even an awards ceremony at the Embassy Suites.

The trophy is a crystal palm tree.

We'll attach it to a necklace so you can wear it when relatives come over.

Mm-hmm.

I'm actually a little nervous about having to give an acceptance speech.

Why? You love speaking in public.

Remember the last time I spoke in a microphone?

Debra, table for...

[Electricity crackles] Oh, Go... Oh!

My lips got zapped.

[Chuckles]

I didn't know that happened.

That's funny.

Louis, when I ask you how your day was, these are the kind of things I want to know.

S03E10 - The Best of Orlando

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

I don't know.

I just feel like Evan enjoyed telling us Mom hates all our nice clothes.

He definitely enjoyed it.

Why else would he deliver it as a poem?

Well, we want to look good for the awards show.

Let's, uh, choose to see this as an opportunity.

[Sniffing]

Ooh.

I don't know what cologne I'm smelling, but it's like a... [Sniffs]

Man taming a horse with a whip made of cloves.

Meet you guys in men's separates.

♪ Yeah ♪

JNCOs.

♪ Yeah ♪

These are just like the ones Bizzy Bone wears in Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.

Spot me 80 bucks real quick?

I've got...$3.89.

And a soft Starburst.

What color?

Yellow.

[Sighs]

They got me, boys.

Saw me coming a mile away, and they got me.

Are you wearing lip balm?

I'm wearing a lot of stuff, son.

Dad, good news.

I found what I want to wear to the awards ceremony.

[Laughs]

We're here for dress pants, not pant dresses.

[Laughing]

Oh! Uh, Deidre.

You snuck up on me.

Greased the wheel bearings on these bad boys last night.

Silent as a cat.

Congratulations on your big award.

Oh. [Chuckles] Thanks.

I can't wait to see you at the ceremony.

See me at the ceremony?

Yeah, Jessica invited me.

Hi, Deidre!

Here's your ticket to see Louis win Small Businessman of the Year at the Best of Orlando Awards.

Any food allergies you'd like me to report to the waitstaff?

Uh, pecans.

"Deidre... no pie."

Look, um, I would love to come, but I really don't think I'm gonna be...

Evan, how many of Deidre's Tupperware parties have I been to?

Nine.

Yeah, sure, she comes, but she never buys.

Sounds like her.

But she does fill out a room, and that helps with sales.

So I'll see you there.

I'm just so proud of Louis, Connie.

Well, he certainly deserves it.

He sure does.

Okay, talk soon.

Anyone else left to call?

You want to try Mitch because you only left a message with his mom?

Right.

She tried to set me up with him.

It was very awkward.

[Door opens] Jessica, how many people are you inviting to the awards ceremony?

Everyone.

I'd really prefer to keep it low-key.

I prefer high-key.

I don't know... Inviting a bunch of people feels like I'm bragging.

Exactly!

That's the point of an awards show.

There's a clear winner.

You stand on a pedestal, give a speech, and everybody else knows that they are not the best.

This is a big night for our family, and you've worked hard.

Come on, let me brag a little.

Okay, if that's what you want.

I do have some bad news, though.

Honey can't make it.

Marvin said she's out of town with some college friends to see something called the Dave Matthews Band.

Ooh! Those guys are supposed to be real hitmakers.

Seems weird to name a whole band after one guy, though.

Drummer can't love that.

[Grunts]

These are choking me!

Looking for something with a little more... volume?

♪ Yeah ♪

How'd you get the money to pay for these?

I love them!

I asked Grandma to make you a pair from scratch.

I hate them!

There's no way I'm wearing knock-off JNCOs!

Well, I'm not gonna let Grandma's hard work go to waste.

I'll wear them.

It's your rep.

[Students gasping, murmuring]

Emery, you are k*lling it today.

My legs don't even touch the fabric.

[A Tribe Called Quest's "Award Tour" plays]

♪ We on Award Tour with Muhammad, my man ♪
♪ Goin' each and every place with the mic in their hand ♪
♪ New York, N.J., N.C., V.A. ♪

This is my husband.

He's the winner.

Hello. [Chuckles nervously]

Look at all these people here to celebrate you, Louis.

I am so proud!

Where's Mitch?

[Panting] So sorry. Traffic.

You're pushing it, Mitch.

Nancy.

Thank you for your service.

Go, Navy. b*at Army!

[Chuckles]

[Gasps] Don't look.

I am pretty sure the woman by the door is Rene Russo.

It's not her. It's not even close.

I loved you in "Tin Cup."

[Chuckles]

Can you hear me this time, Aunt Connie?!

Yes, Evan. I heard you all the times.

And how about those mini quiches? Am I right?

[Laughter] Mmm. Just delightful.

Ah, now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment that we've all been waiting for...

Orlando's Small Businessman of the Year.

Here we go!

Ladies and gentlemen, let's put our hands together for Louis Huang!

[Cheers and applause]

Congratulations.

Wow, this is, uh, really incredible.

Uh, Deputy Mayor Minter, you are too kind.

And, apparently, quite hungry.

I never even saw the quiche tray.

[Laughter]

That's good. [Laughs]

First, I want to thank my boys.

They inspire me every day to be the best man I can be.

I would also like to thank my neighbors for supporting the restaurant since we opened, with a special shout-out to Marvin, who is not only a good man, but a great friend, and a hell of a dentist.

[Laughter]

And I certainly wouldn't be here tonight if it weren't for my Cattleman's Ranch team, who are with me every day in the trenches.

Hector, Nancy, and the first person I ever hired, fired, and hired back again... Mitch.

[Laughter]

And most importantly... I have to thank... the great city of Orlando!

Okay, good night!

[Applause]

Oh, I'm sorry. I must've forgotten about you.

I see you right in front of me.

We've been married for 14 years, but you slipped my mind.

Well, we should probably get to class.

I'll borrow a comb from the bus driver.

Do you want me to stay?

I'll take a sick day for you.

Go to school.

I think I know where this goes.

Jessica, I am so sorry.

I swear it was an honest mistake.

You stood up in front of everyone we know and you thanked Marvin.

I thought you were saving me for last...

The prime position of thanks.

Look, I know I blew it, but it's just a silly awards ceremony.

Nobody will even remember what happened. Trust me.

[Telephone rings]

Don't answer it!

Jessica: [Monotone] Leave a message.

[Beep]

Hey, Louis! It's Deidre. Congrats again on your award.

[Sadly] Hey, Jessica.

How you doing?

How you holding up?

How you feeling?

[Sighs]

Yeeeeah.

[Beep]

Hi, Emery.

Got any room for my phone number in there?

I may never find it again, but sure.

[Chuckles]

Emery, I had an amazing idea in science class while I was zoning out.

We need to buy some denim, team up with Grandma, and start making more of those jeans.

But I thought you hated these because they're not the real thing.

I do, but they don't.

Why not give them what they want at half price?

It's all about the hustle, my man.

How do you know Grana will even agree to it?

Because she's Grandma.

She's in as long as we give her a cut of the profits and a steady supply of green apple Blow Pops.

Sorry, but I don't think this idea's for me.

You could be the face of the operation.

Intrigued.

You wear 'em, I'll sell 'em.

Maybe yoll get discovered by some Nickelodeon execs.

Boom... You're on the next "Double Dare."

You know that's my dream. I know. That's why I said it.

[Telephone rings]

Jessica: [Monotone] Leave a message.

[Beep]

[Sadly] Hi, Jessica. It's Connie. Just checking in, seeing how you're doing.

[Beep]

What is that?

A Venezuelan bowl of wooden fruit.

I thought you'd like it because, unlike flowers, wood doesn't die.

Plus, the fruit has the necessary heft to double as a w*apon, which I know is important to you.

I know I'm tough on gifts, but I think we can both agree this is a real miss.

Jessica, I'm so sorry.

I'm just trying to show you how bad I feel about all this.

I know.

You know what?

I've been thinking about it, and it's not that big of a deal.

I know how you feel about me.

That's the only thing that matters.

[Sighs] I'm so glad...

You would like that, wouldn't you?

Me saying that, letting you off the hook so you could go sh**t dice and drink Lowenbrau with Marvin?

Well, forget it!

I always brag about you, and you completely forgot about me.

[Telephone rings]

Don't pick it up.

Jessica: [Monotone] Leave a message.

[Beep]

Hey, Louis. It's Gus... And Mey-Mey...

Both: from "Good Morning Orlando"!

Pick it up. Pick it up.

If you're there, pick up.

He might not be there.

You're not gonna want to miss this...

Hello? Sorry about that.

I was just, uh... gargling?

Oh, really?

Of course I will.

Uh, thank you. That sounds great.

Okay. I'll see you then.

They want me to come on "Good Morning Orlando" and talk about winning Small Businessman of the Year.

I'm going to get another chance to thank you, but this time, on TV, in front of the whole city.

Evan!

Bring me our contact list.

We need to call everybody we know again.

I met someone yesterday, so the list will be one longer.

Approved.

Phew.

I'll take a pair.

That'll be 40 bucks, playa.

What do you call these things?

Those right there are G-Pants.

Like "gangsta."

[Softly] Or "Grandma."

[Both chuckle]

What's going on here?

Principal Hunter! We were just...

Is this a chain stitch?

How'd you learn to sew an inseam like this?

They're like regular jeans, but wider.

I like what I see here, boys.

I knew you when.

I knew you when.

We just went from illicit to licit.

There's no stopping us now.

We got to make more of these.

We're gonna need more Blow Pops.

Grandma inhaled the first box.

[Theme music plays]

Good morning, Orlando.

We have one of our favorite guests back with us today...

Your very own Small Businessman of the Year, Louis Huang.

[Laughs] Mey-Mey: Yay!

How you doing, buddy? Good to see you.

Or should we say "Good to see all of youse"?

[Laughter]

Louis does amazing impressions.

He does.

Oh, no, I'm not...

[As Scarface] Say hello to my little friend!

[Imitates machine-g*n fire]

[Both laugh]

Louis, you are talented!

And look at that trophy. My gosh!

You can see right through it.

Hey, uh, wave to us from behind the tree.

Look at that. You see that?

Oh, I can see his hand.

I said you can see right through it.

That's so interesting.

Well, you know, I have to say, this trophy is a great honor...

Not just for me, but for my restaurant, Cattleman's Ranch.

Oh, boy. They have a chili there that makes you burn everywhere.

Mm.

And that's a good thing.

[Laughs] Why, thank you.

You know, our secret recipe is, uh, a secret.

You can't handle the truth!

That was a good one. T-That's good.

Louis, tell us...

How do you win a piece of hardware like that?

Yeah. [Chuckles]

Well, you know, I certainly didn't do it alone.

Mm.

Yeah, there's a lot of people who contributed... My boys, neighbors, my friend Marvin, my hardworking staff, uh, and, of course...

And I really want to be clear when I say this...

The person who deserves the most credit is my...

Reporter: Breaking news.

Interstate 4 has been brought to a standstill by a group of armadillos...

Or, as they are officially called, a fez.

Armadillos?!

Why has traffic stopped for armadillos, you may ask?

One of them is in labor.

We will bring you 'round-the-clock coverage until the little miracles join our town.

[Telephone rings]

Jessica: [Monotone] Leave a message.

[Beep]

Deidre: Hi, Louis.

You probably won't get this till later 'cause you're on TV right now and doing a great job!

[Sadly] Hey, Jessica.

How you doing?

How you holding up?

Yeeeeah. [Beep]

Is Louis here?

I can't say that he is.

I thought he might be, since, apparently, you're the only person on his mind lately.

[Chuckles] He can't stop thanking you!

By name.

Twice.

Well, it's nice to be appreciated.

Honey's out of town, so it is a little lonely.

You know, it's funny... When I was in the service, I would've given anything for some alone time.

They used to stack us...

If you see Louis, please give him this face.

He'll know what it means.

Coast is clear, buddy. [Laughs]

Ohh. Thanks, Marvin.

I just needed some time to regroup after what happened this morning.

Did you notice the phrasing that I used?

I didn't lie.

I said I couldn't say where you were.

That's a skill that comes with age.

I'm like the cognac of men.

I can't believe I didn't thank Jessica again.

Oh. Speaking of, she wanted me to give you a message.

[Sighs]

The neutral face of displeasure.

I need a plan, bro.

Well, just buy her some flowers.

She hates flowers. They die.

Candy, then.

Also not a fan... Bad for her teeth.

Then you got to bring out the big g*ns... jewelry.

Something in the shape of a heart or a swan.

Jessica hates when I spend money on expensive gifts.

Blow her a tune on the tin sandwich?

No good. Harmonicas remind her of hobos.

[Chuckles] I'm starting to think I'm not your guy, here.

You know, you need to talk to someone who really knows her.

Marvin. You're a genius.

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

[Plays tune]

"Moses Mendelssohn, the grandfather of the well-known German composer, was far from being handsome."

[Tapping]

[Groans]

If this is Eddie mooning me again...

Can you guys wait a moment?

Dad?

Evan, I need your help.

I'm... kind of in the middle of something.

[Whispering] It's for Mom.

Tell me what you need.

Looking good, Brian. I love those cuffs.

Thanks. I just got to make them my own, you know?

Don't you love how free your calves feel?

I love it so much.

I can't believe I've been living this long and...

Hey, guys.

I was at the mall last night buying some new movie posters at the Suncoast and saw these bad boys.

Figured I'd pick myself up a pair.

Pretty cool, right?

Thanks for the inspiration, you two.

Pants are mandatory in class!

Then send me home.

[Knock on door]

Jessica Huang?

What are you doing?

Right this way.

Grape or apple?

Why are you offering me juice?

Apple. Excellent choice.

Rene Russo ordered the same thing.

That's better.

Welcome to the Best of Orlando Awards, Huang House edition.

I see there are some very pretty mommies in the crowd tonight.

Moving on. [Chuckles nervously]

Please put your hands together for Orlando's Small Businessman of the Year, Louis Huang!

Oh. [Chuckles]

Congratulations, sir.

It's not every day a family...

Okay, buddy, it's Dad's turn now.

Wow, uh, this is really incredible.

A lot of people contributed to this...

My boys, neighbors, Marv...

U-uh, n-neighbors, my hardworking staff.

But the one who deserves the most credit, is my beautiful wife, Jessica.

She's the one who never gets thanked, the unsung hero of all our success.

If it wasn't for everything she does, there would never be a Cattleman's Ranch, let alone an award for me to accept.

Now, I know most of you are here tonight because she forced you into coming by sheer will.

Maybe you're annoyed by it. You probably are.

But the thing is, she does it out of love.

And I stand here not only as a result of that love, but in awe of it.

[Inhales deeply]

That's why I cannot accept this award tonight.

[Gasps]

Because it only has my name on it when it should have hers, too.

She is the best of Orlando.

[Voice breaking] Thank you.

Sometimes, things like that are just nice to hear.

That was a beautiful speech.

I just wish I could've said it in front of everyone.

It means more in front of an audience of one.

Did you hear all of that, Aunt Connie?

Connie: Mm-hmm.

They're kissing now.

Movie-style.

That's inappropriate.

Grandma, I know we pre-negotiated your cut, but, in light of current events, can you take less?

After subtracting Grandma's cut, the cost of fabric and Blow Pops, how much money did we make?

$3.89.

So we broke exactly even.

And we're down a yellow Starburst.

I guess in the world of fashion, trends can change fast.

It's a tough lesson to learn.

But in a way, isn't knowledge the most valuable currency of all...

No!

And I stand here not only as a result of that love, but in awe of it.

That's why I cannot accept this award tonight.

[Gasps]

Because this only has my name on it, when it should have hers, too.

She's the best of Orlando.

I'm the best of Orlando, Deidre!

Sorry I didn't return your calls, but, to answer your question, I'm doing great.

Yeeeeeeeah.

Yeeeeah.

Yeah.

[Sighs]

Did you notice the phrasing I used when we were back at home?

I didn't lie.

I said, "It means more in front of an audience of one."

There are 26 more ones.

You didn't lie.