06x14 - And the Emergency Contractor

[bunniefuu]

Max, we're back!

Oh that sucks. This place didn't burn down while we were gone like I had hoped.

The night is young, and I have a Roman candle in my pocket.

Hi, welcome to the Williamsburg diner.

Table for two?

Don't be silly, Earl.

It's us, Max and Caroline.

And I'm Earl. Smoking or nonsmoking?

Glad to have you back.

Max and Caroline!

You're back from your road trip.

And right on time for yesterday's shift.

We're also not working today.

Tomorrow's not great either.

Ugh, thank God you're back.

Besides Han, there hasn't been a girl in here in days, and... she's not my type.

What is your type?

Hepatitis A, B, or C?

So what did you bring us?

Uh, you guys don't understand.

We got kicked off a riverboat, almost crashed a plane, and lost everything we own.

Honestly, it's a miracle we're alive.

So... no gifts?

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[cash register bell dings]

Let's get to the dessert bar so we can see the work they did.

Also so people don't think we're customers here.

I'm excited to see it too, and now that Randy and I are really over, I promise to give the dessert bar my full 5%.

Make it 6%.

I mean, what else am I gonna do, hmm?

Stop.

Oleg, stop blocking the door.

We're not on a date with you.

We want to see the dessert bar.

Eh, sure, but before you go in there, do you want to see a cute picture of me, Sophie, and baby Barbara?

Sure.

(both yelling)

You didn't say it was in the bathtub.

Well, now that you're annoyed and hopefully a little impressed...

Mm-mm.

I can tell you I had to fire your contractor.

Both: What?

I thought I could do a better job.

Both: What?

I couldn't.

I can't believe Oleg!

How the hell could he let a complete stranger...

(both gasp)

Do such an amazing job?

Wow.

Wait, we're still k*lling Oleg, though, right?

'Cause the wheels are already in motion.

Oh, my God, look at the doors.

(gasps) And the molding?

And the sconces?

I don't remember what an orgasm is like, but I think I might be having one.

Hey, girls.

Welcome home.

Baby Barbara thought you were dead.

Isn't that funny?

Not "Vince Vaughn doing drama" funny, but what is?

Wow, Barbara got so big while we were gone.

Oh, shh!

You got to give her a break, 'cause she got her Uncle Fatso's genes.

By the way, Sophie, thank you for watching our horse while we were gone.

He's my favorite roommate.

Aww, well, you know what, that's what friends are for.

And I'm sure you would do the same for me if I needed a favor.

Of course we would.

Good, 'cause I need a favor.

Yeah, see, I joined this mommy support group, you know, to make sure that I'm holding the baby up right, or you know, that I don't get too jealous when people compliment her.

The standard mom stuff.

So what's the favor?

I'll do anything up to a Class B felony.

I still have one strike left.

Well, I'm hosting, and there are gonna be a lot of sloppy babies there, so I'm looking for a real dump.

Can I use your place?

Aww.

Sophie, I don't think...

(laughs) Thank you, girls.

Yeah, you're the best, no matter what baby Barbara tells her friends.

I thought Barbara liked me.

I'm gonna text her.

Oh, hey. I'm Bobby.

I did the work on your bar.

You must be Max and Caroline.

I'm Maroline, and this is Cax.

(stammering)

I mean...

Yeah, let's just move past it.

Uh, we're who you said.

Well, I hope you like it.

The only guidance I got was from your friend Oleg, who just kept saying "sluttier."

And then he showed me a picture of him in the bathtub.

You did an amazing job.

I mean, what you did with those knobs.

Polished brass.

Looks like you want to polish his brass.

And how do you like the satin on the sconces?

(gasps) Oh, my God.

My knees are wiggling.

You like that?

And the finish on the molding?

Oh, love it!

I think she's about to finish on the molding.

You're the only man who knew what I wanted without me having to tell him three times and then give up.

Hey, great.

I'll tell the boss you liked it.

"Bobby, you did it again."

In case you missed it, I'm the boss.

(laughing)

See, 'cause he's the boss, so he was telling himself.

It's too many levels for her.

Hey, um, listen, I should probably get going, but if you need anything else, you can call me.

Or my boss. Anytime.

Well, I might just have to call you both.

Ciao!

"Ciao"?

Unless you're gonna say "mein" after that, I don't know what you're talking about.

He's really cute.

Oh, you think so?

You were playing it pretty cool, Maroline.

(laughs)

(all laughing)

Ooh, oops.

Oh, don't worry, you can ruin everything in here.

I don't care.

(laughing)

I do.

I just scrubbed the couch.

How much longer do we have to stay in here?

Caroline's talking about a third grade field trip.

I got lost in Toronto.

Girls, ignore them.

Society does.

Yeah.

Uh, so where are your babies?

Out parking the car?

(laughs)

See, I don't let Barbara drive yet.

Should I?

We don't bring 'em to the meetings.

They ruin everything.

Starting with our vaginas.

Oh, yeah, my husband ruined mine on my first date.

(laughing)

See... well, see, I thought that a mother's group, you know, you... you talk about your babies.

Wouldn't they love that?

No, this is for us to... to trade pills and get trashed and fantasize about Gone Girl-ing our husbands.

Oh, my God, I'm doing everything wrong.

Yeah, just like the '84 Olympics all over again.

(knocking at door)

What's up, sluts?

Ugh, there's a baby here?

If I weren't already stoned, I'd drive somewhere else.

My bad.

Yeah, see, I thought we were gonna compare notes on bedtimes and how asleep a baby has to be to have sex in front of it.

You have sex with your trainer too?

Should I?

Seeing what you girls did to the dessert bar inspired me to make some improvements around here.

Don't tell me you found a way to unstick the menus from the tables.

Whoa, one step at a time.

I did give this place more of a facelift than Brad Pitt in preparation for the movie Allied.

Yeah, Han, this place looks exactly the same.

My su1c1de note is still scrawled on the wall.

Yeah, it looks like the same old post office to me.

It's not a freakin' post office!

Max, we should really get over to the dessert bar.

Bobby's on his way to look at those gorgeous sconces I am very unhappy with.

Why do you have to use the dessert bar as an excuse to see him?

If you like him, why don't you just say, "Hey, you're cute. Want to see my horse?"

Because a lady waits for a gentleman to ask to see her horse.

I don't know what ladies you're hanging out with.

Apparently none.

(phone chimes)

Ooh!

Bobby's at the dessert bar.

Let me just change into something a little more comfortable.

Why are you making this so complicated?

Why don't you just say, "Let's get drinks to make the sex less awkward?"

Or you could do that.

Oh, hi, Bobby, I forgot you were stopping by.

She thought she was hosting Wheel of Fortune in here.

I'd buy a vowel from her.

Well, it would be two As.

Uh... oh, uh, what did you want to show me?

Apparently a little side boob.

This sconce.

I noticed that if I put all the force of my body against it, it moves a little.

See?

(grunting)

Ugh, I...

I must have jammed it into place while I was testing its virility.

I mean, stability.

Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh.

See? Told you it was loose.

I guess I have stick around as long as it takes until it's fixed.

Oh, good, because I wouldn't feel safe pulling aggressively on anything until you do.

Caroline!

We got to get to the hospital.

Oh, no, I'm fine.

Bobby caught me.

Not for you, Vanna Very White.

I just got a call saying Randy was in an accident in Manhattan.

He must have been coming to see me.

Just when I thought it was over, he ropes me back in with a life-threatening emergency.

How bad is he?

Because these sconces won't be able to wear this dress again tomorrow.

All I know is that it's serious, and they called me 'cause I'm the emergency contact on his phone.

Okay. I'll be back as fast as I can.

I'll work as slow as I can.

I won't tell your boss... 'cause he's the...

I get it. Let's go.

Oh, he's still alive.

Oh, thank God his face isn't hurt.

And... one, two, three, four, five, six.

Yep, they're all there.

Why is his shirt always off?

He's like Kirsten Dunst in a dramatic role.

Well, I had to take his shirt off, because... well, 'cause you know, he broke his leg.

This is a private room.

You ladies can't be in here.

I'm his emergency contact, Max.

I'll take the rest of his clothing off from here.

And can you get me a straw so we can share this morphine drip Mai tai style?

You girls have two minutes, and remember, this is a hospital, so no messing around.

Ooh, that's my coconut oil.

Coconut oil?

Great, now he's edible.

Oh, my God, Max.

This is very An Affair to Remember.

I'm more of a Quickie to Forget kind of girl.

No, that Randy came all the way to New York to see you and then got into a tragic accident and now here you are at his bedside.

Max, I don't want to get ahead of myself, but we might both have boyfriends.

Double date dance?

Max?

What are you doing here?

Where's my shirt?

When did Caroline start hosting Wheel of Fortune?

Ah, that's what I said!

Um, I got the call that you were hurt, so I came right over, and as for your shirt, I think the nurses are making a pillow husband out of it.

Hi, Randy, sorry you broke your leg, but great news.

I like someone.

Oh, that's right.

You're still my emergency contact.

I'm sorry.

I never switched it back to my trainer.

What happened? Was it a runaway hot dog cart?

Because that is my worst nightmare... besides having my credit card declined at Kohl's.

But I lived through it.

I got hit by a cab on my way to JFK.

You mean you got hit by a cab on your way from JFK.

You were in New York to see me, right?

Track me down, beg me to take you back, pull my hair a little?

No, I was... I was leaving.

Leaving? But you hadn't...

Do you know what?

The accident must have given him that "to-and-from-lexia."

I think Whoopi Goldberg has it.

Time's up, ladies. Patient needs a sponge bath.

He's got coconut oil all over him.

Hey, Max, wait.

She just got here. Didn't she?

Told ya. He's got that "come-and-go-heimers."

Whoopi writes all about it in her book.

It's very hard to follow.

Max, these are like pajamas for couples who don't care anymore.

Speak for yourself.

These puppies care a lot.

Oh, good, they're all gone.

They left me zero room to sign his cast.

I want to get back to the dessert bar while Bobby's still there and possibly working up a little sweat.

Go ahead. I'll punch you out.

But if you keep leaving early, they're gonna make you work Christmas.

Nurse, we need all hands on deck.

We've got a 41 in here, and he's a squirter.

You... you're up, girl. I had the last one.

"Dear Randy, Nice ass.

Nurse Barb."

Well, that is good.

Max.

(exclaims)

I didn't wake you, did I?

But now that you're up, why are you in New York?

You said you were on your way to the airport when you got hurt?

I was.

So you weren't here to see me.

No, I was trying not to see you.

Wow.

I'm leaving.

Max.

Ow.

You broke up with me.

That time over the phone?

You took that seriously? That's insane.

The "This is a cry for attention" was implied.

What I heard was, "This isn't enough for me," and since we can't make it work, it just... it's... it's too hard for me to see you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard what you said on the movie set.

In Texas?

How'd you hear what I said on set?

(scoffs) I was a zombie extra.

Grow up.

That was you.

Everyone said I was crazy because I thought I saw you and Caroline on set.

My therapist put me on antidepressants.

Yeah, well, joke's on them, 'cause it really was me hanging there.

Max, that's crazy.

Why didn't you say something when you saw me?

Because you said you were in a good place and you want to move on, blah, blah, blah.

And I don't want to hurt you anymore.

But now I want to break your other leg.

Max, look at us.

I ran to the airport and got hit by a cab trying to get out of here because I was tempted to see you.

And you broke into a hospital not to steal dr*gs.

Maybe this relationship is bad for us.

Caroline: There's just so much squirting!

Definitely for Caroline.

I miss you.

I miss you too.

Then let's stop being crazy.

Move to LA.

You know, six years ago, I would've done that in a heartbeat.

I would've thrown my bubblegum cigs and my nunchucks in a Safeway bag and been your lady.

But it's different now. I'm different.

I care about something, and I have people who count on me.

I've built a life here.

Damn it.

Max, you know I can't leave my firm in LA.

So what happens now?

I think we kiss good-bye.

Mm-mm.

Hmm, I think that might set us back.

I mean, you're already in a bed, and these pants come off real easy.

I think you know that.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

How about a hug?

Hmm.

You really trust yourself against the girls?

Not even remotely.

How about a handshake?

There's nothing less sexual.

Okay, but two pumps and we're out.

I can't not make it sexual.

You smell nice.

I've got a lot of jerky in my pocket.

Good news is, I saved a man's life.

Bad news is, I left a ring inside him.

Here's your flan-tini and a side of a bottle of tequila.

Why are you so sad, Caroline?

I mean, she doesn't have kids.

Well, I did like this guy Bobby, but then I had to go with Max to see Randy, and I got squirted on, and I didn't get back in time to see him and possibly missed a chance at a lifetime of happiness.

Too much talking from the waitress.

(clears throat)

Uh, ladies, are all of the daddies still in the picture?

'Cause I can't shimmy down a fire escape like I used to.

That's so funny.

If my doorman drops out of the rotation, I'll give you a call.

Uh, let me give you my beeper number.

Yep!

I'm really having a blast with my mom friends.

Do you have an aspirin, or a sledgehammer?

Why do you want to hang out with these ladies?

They're mean.

One of them tried to trip me.

Yeah, that was me.

Yeah, I... I was trying to impress them.

Sophie, I wished my mom cared enough about me to curl my baby eyelashes like you do for Barbara.

Or just to intervene when a neighborhood dog took me away.

Sophie, your text wasn't clear.

Should Barbara wear the leopard onesie with the jean hat or the jean onesie with the leopard hat?

Also, I can't find any of her toe rings.

Sophie, are you secretly caring for your baby while we're having mom's group?

You know what?

Fine.

Fine, I love my kid.

Well, why don't you marry her?

Should I?

No.

No, 'cause I'm a good mom, and a good mom doesn't marry her baby!

At least not in this country.

Let's go, baby.

Well, Meghan's dog walker gave her some cat tranquilizers.

Why don't we go try those in the Target parking lot?

Ugh, I can't wait to be a mom so I can get the good cat tranqs.

You know they didn't pay, right?

Hey, uh... sorry to barge in, but I can't stop thinking about...

Her boo-tay?

Uh, well, that table is really unsteady.

If my boss knew, I'd be furious.

I know, right?

I thought it was just me, but I mean, look at it, I...

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean...

(both grunting)

Rock steady.

Perfect, actually.

Damn it.

You can't think of anything else that needs to be fixed?

No, and it's really annoying.

You know what else is annoying?

You two not jammin'.

You like each other. What's the problem?

So you like me?

Yeah.

Okay, so I should call...

Yes.

Good, 'cause I was this close to calling my cousins to come in and tear this place apart.

I'm gonna call you.

Ciao mein.

What?

Nothing.

Wow, look at you.

I'm gonna have to put the brakes on that 40-Year-Old-Virgin sequel.

I'm sorry I'm happy when you're not happy.

I am happy... for you.

I know you said you didn't want to talk about it, but why don't you just go to LA to be with Randy?

(scoffs)

I can't go to LA.

I mean, there's too much stuff here they don't have there, like... the Statue of Liberty.

You know she's my girl.

You never want to go.

And she invited us when she said, "Bring us your poor."

Plus, where would I find weed in California?

I mean, the list goes on and on.

I wouldn't leave you either.

(cash register bell dings)