03x08 - Chapter Fifty-Two

[bunniefuu]

Latin lover narrator: All right, Jane and Michael. They'd been through a lot, right? They got married, he was sh*t, then recovered. But things were on the up-and-up, until...

I didn't pass my physical.

I can't go back to the force.

I can do desk duty.

I know, huge bummer, right? Also a bummer: Rafael's life.

Rafael: My birth certificate. I'm not a Solano.

And speaking of bad news, Rafael was also hooking up with Jane's cousin, Catalina, and Jane wasn't too comfortable with that.

Jane: I saw cash and jewels. I mean, that's suspicious, right?

Not when you've just reentered the States from Venezuela, where it's recommended nonresidents carry U.S. dollars.

I am so, so sorry.

Latin lover narrator: But maybe Jane was right to be worried, because check this out. And there was more bad news. Petra was being blackmailed by a certain sleeveless slimeball, namely Scott. So she struck up a deal with Rafael.

I'll give you your shares back if you lie about Scott.

To be clear, Petra hated Scott, for obvious reasons.

(record scratches)

Oh, sorry, in case you've forgotten those reasons, a recap within the recap. Petra was paralyzed by her twin sister, Anezka, who then took her place. And then, Anezka fell in love with Scott, as Petra! But then Petra woke up and dumped his ass. Okay, back to the main recap. Anyway, that's why Petra hated Scott. Oh, and Jane's father, Rogelio, had met a matchmaker.

So, it says you want someone fertile?

Exactly.

And surprisingly, this happened.

Rogelio, it's me.

Not to date, just to have a baby with.

Think about it.

I'm having a baby!

And Jane's mom was getting some action, too. See, she was back with Bruce. Yes, that Bruce. From way back when.

I had sex with Bruce three days ago.

What?

And yep, Jane's still not a fan.

He's a jerk, who broke your heart over and over, not to mention he's a liar who hid the fact that he was married from you.

I knew he was married when we got together.

Great.

Which, friends, is where we left off. A little bit of trivia about Jane Gloriana Villanueva: She had seen the movie Beaches 14 times.

Diana...

Once... every time her mother broke up with Bruce.

Thanks for watching again.

_

It just helps me, you know?

To cry about something other than him.

I know, Mom. I know.

And that time with her mom, well, it taught her two things. She was the wind beneath Xo's wings.

I just thought this time, it would be different.

And people don't change.

_

Which brings us here, now.

So, thank you for inviting me over for breakfast.

Thank you for bringing muffins. They were delicious.

You are.

(sighs)

Hey, Jane.

Hey.

Hi, Mom. Bruce.

I'll see you later.

Can you at least not make that face?

I'm sorry, it just happens automatically.

Maybe warn me before I'm gonna see him.

I live here, we're dating, you're gonna see him.

Does Abuela know that he was here?

We all had breakfast. He brought muffins.

You ate breakfast with Bruce?

Why?

Because he's changed, Jane.

Mom, do you hear yourself?

I mean, you have literally said that to me a hundred times before.

I know, but this time it's different.

And that.

Enough.

I'm with him.

So it's time for you to get on board.

Fine, I'm on board.

I am!

See?

Rogelio: Yes, I want your opinion.

(goofy voice): Okay, Rogelio.

Mr. Bee thinks having a baby with a woman you just met is craz-z-zy!

(laughs)

Well, Mr. Bee, I respectfully disagree.

Latin lover narrator: Ah, yes. You'll recall, Rogelio had recently decided to enter into an unusual business arrangement with this woman.

You see, my striped friend, this is the perfect solution to my "progeneeds."

Well I think you're progenuts!

(laughs)

(door opens)

(door closes)

(groans) I cannot believe she is back together with Bruce.

And now my grandma's brainwashed.

I think we should do something, like stage an intervention.

Oh, no. I'm staying out of it.

Michael: Yeah, I'm with Rogelio.

What do you think, Mr. Bee?

You mean Mr. Let It Bee?

I think Jane shouldn't meddle.

You don't get a medal for meddling.

Nobody likes a meddler!

Don't you have to be at work?

I get to go to the body shop first.

$500 bucks for a new bumper.

Oh, no, seriously?

Yeah.

But, it beats sitting around the office.

Latin lover narrator: Ah, yes. He's on desk duty, you'll recall.

Desk duty sucks.

(giggles)

Maybe you should use the time to start researching other career options.

I'm serious. If you take some kind of action, I really think you'll feel better.

Mm.

(gasps)

I'd help you, Michael.

Aw.

But I can't use a computer, 'cause I don't have any fingers! Whoa!

(laughs)

I'm gonna hide that thing.

All right, are you ready to see Daddy, Mr. Sweetface?

Yes, you want to see Daddy.

Where is Daddy, Mr. Sweetface?

(phone chimes)

Latin lover narrator: In his defense, he's had a lot on his mind.

What do you think, Mateo?

Should we pop by and see how Auntie Catalina's doing?

Hmm?

Latin lover narrator: Ah, yes. Catalina.

Oh.

Jane.

_

(sighs) We had some time to k*ll, so we wanted to say hi.

And, apologize, again.

For snooping through your bag and thinking that you were hiding something.

Bonjour!

Who are you?

I am Catalina's husband, Arnaud.

(trumpet plays)

You're married?

He's being a little dramatic.

Dramatic?

I am not being dramatic!

We're getting divorced.

We are not.

Catalina: Yes, we are!

Now for the last time, go pack.

I'm taking you to the airport.

So I should explain.

Uh, yeah, that'd be a good idea.

I married Arnaud on a passionate whim a few months ago.

Latin lover narrator: That old guy? Come on, it had to be about money.

It was wild and romantic, and not about money.

He actually has a title, but not a penny to his name.

Okay, get to the point.

Right. Everyone told me not to marry him, but I did it anyway and, well, it turns out everyone was right.

Why wouldn't you just tell me?

Because it was embarrassing.

Arnaud: I can hear you!

Well then stop listening!

Anyway, we had just met and I didn't want you to think poorly of me.

Latin lover narrator: Yeah, that yacht has sailed.

What about all the cash and jewelry?

Is that really for our poor relatives in Venezuela?

Mostly, yeah.

I mean, a few are gifts from Arnaud, which I wanted to sell, but he wants back, so fine, I'll give them back.

Did you hear that?

I'll give them back!

Latin lover narrator: It should be noted that Jane's next thought was that she needed to tell Rafael!

Right away.

(buzzing)

Remember, Jane, don't meddle!

You need to tell Rafael. Right away.

Just tell me.

(sighs)

The DNA results came in and it's confirmed.

You are not Emilio and Elena's biological son.

Wow.

(scoffs)

Somehow it didn't seem real until now.

Latin lover narrator: What does this mean? Is he still Emilio's heir? Does he still own the Marbella?

God, I wonder if my dad knew.

And that's why he always treated me differently.

Right. That, too.

I'm sorry.

And just so you know, you're under no legal obligation to disclose that information to anybody.

Sorry to interrupt, but Rafael, we're actually waiting on you in the interrogation room.

Oh, that's where everyone is. Okay, let's head over.

Uh, sorry, man.

Because of the desk duty, you know.

Chief says you can't be in on this anymore.

I get it.

I'm really...

It's okay.

Latin lover narrator: Wow. Tough day.

Petra: What are you up to?!

And it just got worse.

You and Scott.

Are you... are you working together?

Manipulating me?

I'll remind you, they were.

I told you it would work. And you will be getting that bonus as discussed.

Of course not.

He bought a new car. Where'd he get that money?

I saw you two talking!

And friends, can you really blame Rafael for what he said next?

Petra.

I think you're being a little paranoid.

Which makes sense, considering what you just went through.

(laughs)

Well, I can. That was a low blow.

Jane: You're never gonna believe this!

I was dropping Mateo off and so we stopped by to visit Catalina and turns out, she's married.

What's wrong?

Did things go badly with Rafael, because...

No, no, no. It's, uh... it's not Rafael. I, um...

I sort of... I quit my job today.

Latin lover narrator: Well, she wanted him to take an action.

I'm sorry for not talking to you about it first.

It just...

I'm not even allowed to be involved on cases I've staked my entire career on.

And then some rookie gave me a 20-minute lecture on the proper way to fill out evidence log forms and I don't know, I-I quit.

And then I panicked, 'cause I knew I should have talked to you first.

No. I get it.

You do?

Yes, of course.

Oh, I don't want you to be miserable.

(sighs)

Armstrong gave me a six-month severance package, so, it gives me some time to figure out my next move.

Okay, six months is good.

I think it was the right move.

Latin lover narrator: Aw. She doesn't even look nervous. Oh. Now she does. "Those must be" I'm sorry I was judgy about Bruce, but Michael quit his job" coffees. Eh, you should see how they butcher my name. Uh-oh. Maybe Jean and Zoe have something else to discuss.

(sighs)

What happened?

Nothing. I'm fine.

Ma...

I don't want to discuss it with you.

You can't be objective when it comes to Bruce.

Okay. I get it.

(footsteps departing)

Is she okay?

(buzzing)

Remember, Jane. You don't get a medal for meddling.

Yeah. She's great. Thanks, Bruce.

Jane, please.

Why won't you just leave her alone?

(gasps)

Because I care about her.

Oh, yeah? Is that why she's in there, crying?

Again? Just like she did for three years straight.

And do you know who had to stand by her and pick up the pieces every time?

Me.

So I'm sorry.

I-I just... I can't be on board.

Rogelio: I told you, it wouldn't be contentious.

Yes, great, you were right, and I was wrong.

Let's finish up. Schooling.

Private or public?

Private.

Private.

And nannies?

The more the merrier.

Vacations?

Summers in Tulum.

Winters in Aspen.

How about media appearances?

Vanity Fair at three months, People en Español at six months, and Us Weekly cover sh**t at a year.

Have you settled on a last name?

Hmm. (gasps)

De La Vega Factor?

Darci: The De La Vega Factor.

I like it.

Very good. Just, uh, one final matter.

Procedure. Will you be having sex or using insemination?

Insemination.

I'm worried Darci will fall for me if we make love.

And it's important for us both not to have feelings for each other, to make this work.

I totally agree.

Plus, I froze my eggs years ago.

I want to use the youngest ones.

Isn't she the best?

Relentlessly practical.

(chuckles) Okay, great.

I will have copies of the agreement for you both to sign in the next couple of days.

Rogelio: It's happening, people.

The negotiations are done.

All we have to do is sign the contracts, and in nine months, out comes Rogelio Jr., or Rogeliana.

Well, no, that's the only thing she hasn't agreed to.

Yet. (laughs)

What is it?

I-I just can't believe you're actually going through with this.

What do you mean? I've been talking about it for weeks.

Yeah, well, you always have crazy ideas but you never actually follow through.

What are you talking about?

We need to bond as a family.

_

One year. A trip around the world!

_

I am all about Kaballah.

Here, I got you all red strings.

From now on, you can call me Yahweh.

_

I'm thinking of growing a man bun.

It's a terrible idea.

The man bun? Because I'm still debating.

No! The baby. You hardly know her.

We agreed on absolutely everything about child rearing.

Plus, you know how much I want another child.

Mm.

I would very much like to introduce you.

Trust me, to know her is to love her in a totally non-emotional, nonsexual way.

Rafael: I don't understand.

Why wouldn't you just tell me? I'm divorced.

I mean, we've talked about my divorce.

I know. And I can't really explain it, except that I'd made such a huge mistake, and it felt so good not to think about it or talk about it. Finally.

Plus, I have a habit of running from problems rather than dealing with them.

Well. I can relate to that.

Darling, I wasn't looking for anything when I met you.

This... this just happened.

And is it over?

With the old guy?

Oh, don't call him that.

I googled him. He's old.

I said it was a mistake.

Is it over?

Absolutely. Ask Jane. She heard me tell him to pack up and go.

Jane met him?

Jane: I'm sorry. I wasn't sure what to do.

I told her to tell you.

You should have told me.

(sighs) Yeah. You're right.

How'd you leave things?

Well, she swears it's over with the old guy.

What do you think? You trust her?

I'm not sure.

Yeah. Me neither.

Look, if anything else happens...

Absolutely. Anything I know, you know.

Anezka: What would you like to know?

Anything at all?

Answers from the beyond, available here, today.

Beautiful sister, what are you doing here?

Trust me, it was a last resort.

It's so good to see you.

Oh, one of the pimps at my motel was going to let me use his cell phone to call you but then he got knifed in the stairwell and had to go to hospital so it didn't work out.

Look, I'm only here because I need to know.

Has Scott reached out to you at all?

No. Why? Has he asked about me?

No! I just don't know if he's up to something.

He has money, suddenly. That's what I need to know.

I need to know where is it coming from.

Beautiful sister, are you okay?

No. No, I-I am not okay.

You paralyzed me. And now I'm paranoid, and I can't trust anyone, not even myself.

I need you to leave.

Yeah. That's... That's part of the problem.

No! This is my booth.

I had to fight man who sells dreamcatchers for it.

No. I meant the United States.

I'll get you a ticket.

You're going back to the Czech Republic.

No. But...

It's either that or you're going to jail.

Michael: I mean, it's highway robbery.

So I went to the car dealership to see about leasing a new car, (snaps fingers) and suddenly, it hit me.

Jane: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.

You want to be a car salesman?

Come on down to Seven Star Auto Dealer, where our prices are insane!

Um... Do you really think you'd like it?

Well, I mean, uh, enough.

It's a job. Steady pay.

Yeah. Y-You're just not really a car guy.

I'm a car guy.

What's your favorite car?

Uh... the... the DeLorean.

Okay, I'm not a car guy.

But I might become a car guy.

Just don't rush into anything.

I want you to do something you're passionate about.

Yeah, well, having sex with you doesn't pay that well.

(laughs) Just promise me you'll wait a b*at before interviewing at the car dealership. Maybe try the aptitude test I gave you.

(knocking on door)

There's someone at the door.

Okay, I'll be home soon.

Love you. Bye.

(knocking continues)

I can't believe that you yelled at Bruce.

What were you thinking?

Mom. You're already fighting, he's already making you cry.

We weren't fighting. We were talking about his teenage daughter, Tess, who hates me.

He said we'd just keep working on it, and I just felt sad.

Oh.

Yeah. And he thought that she'd get past it eventually...

She's only 16, right?

But now, after talking to you, he's not so sure she will.

Mom. I'm so sorry.

(buzzing) Mm-mm-mm.

Latin lover narrator: If he won't say it, I will. Nobody likes a meddler.

Hey, did you pick up the rum cake my mom likes for dinner tonight?

Yes.

I even had the baker write, "Sorry I messed things up with Bruce" in vanilla frosting. (laughs)

Just kidding.

It's in the fridge.

Thank you.

And career aptitude test complete and the results are in.

Latin lover narrator: Drumroll, please.

Okay.

So it says here I should be...

A detective. Okay.

So that was a big ol' waste of time.

Hey, at least we know that it works.

(sighs) Stop, look.

They give more than one career option.

Plus, it says that you're analytic, fair-minded, result-oriented, and incredibly sexy.

Latin lover narrator: I didn't see "incredibly sexy" on that list.

Let's see. A P.I., security consult... Ooh!

An FBI analyst.

Oh, forget it.

All these jobs are just me sitting at a desk, wishing I was in the field, doing the real investigative work.

I... I might as well be a car salesman.

As long as it's something that you're excited about.

I want you to be happy.

You know what would make me happy?

Hmm?

Not going to this dinner with your mom and Bruce.

Can I just make a case as to why I shouldn't go?

I'm listening.

I don't know Bruce. Okay?

I've never met Bruce.

And I'd just be in the way, taking up precious Bruce-Jane bonding time. Okay?

Plus, I really need to go to the station, pack up my stuff in the office, say good-bye to the guys.

And I'm making the super cute, "Don't make me go to the dinner with your mom's boyfriend who you yelled at" face.

Ugh, fine. Of course.

Latin lover narrator: Which brings us here, now...

Uh, some wine?

Is this safe to drink?

Oh, yeah, I didn't...

He was just making a joke.

Right. (laughs weakly)

Look, I know the idea of me dating your mom again is a tough pill to swallow.

Yeah, well, there's history there.

Right. Yeah. For my daughter, too.

Did she... know, while you guys were... having the affair?

Yeah.

I went over there, once.

Bruce!

(kicks door)

Bruce!

Come out here!

We both made bad choices.

When your mom finally walked away, it was my wakeup call.

I was so unhappy, I was making everybody else unhappy.

So I made adchange.

And it was hard.

Every step of the way.

How about your ex-wife?

We're good now.

Finally.

But my daughter's having a hard time, now that I'm with Xo.

And I would never put her through this if I didn't think that your mom... and what we have...

Is worth it.

Just give your daughter some time.

I bet she'll come around.

(exhales)

So, thank you for giving Bruce another chance.

Well, he seems to really care about you.

Right?

So, can we put another dinner on the books?

Maybe a double date?

Yeah, sure.

When?

I don't know, just give me a minute.

What's wrong?

Nothing, I'm tired, I got to get Mateo.

Jane.

Look, I always saw Bruce as the guy who wreaked havoc on our family, but now you're that person to them.

And... I don't know, I-I don't like thinking about you like that.

I'm sorry, you asked me what was wrong.

No, it's okay, I get it.

Hey, Michael, I'm done with dinner.

I'm picking up Mateo and I'll be home soon.

(laughs)

Latin lover narrator: Sacre bleu! Sorry, I mean, oh, my gosh.

(sighs)

So, of course I told Rafael.

He said he was gonna end it, but I mean, can you believe her?

What? Why are you smiling? None of this is funny.

I'm sorry, I just actually had a breakthrough, something I'd love to try.

Okay? I don't know if it's a career, but I'm excited.

Oh, my God, what is it? Tell me.

Okay, well, I went down to the station, um, and Dennis and the guys, they threw me a little surprise going-away party, and I made a speech, and I was cracking everybody up.

I mean, seriously cracking them up.

Latin lover narrator: And...

And it made me realize something.

Maybe I should try my hand at stand-up comedy.

(laughs)

He's not joking, Jane.

Well, that sounds great.

Xiomara: A comedian?

Latin lover narrator: No, Alba. Not like Jerry Seinfeld.

I mean, kind of, but kind of... not?

Has he been telling you his jokes?

Oh, yeah. Nonstop.

Okay, check this out. This is something I've been working on.

Inspired by... (imitates actor): Jim Carrey.

And then for the next 11 minutes he talked out of his butt.

Oh.

Yeah, not the Jim Carrey bit.

I agree, Michael is hilarious, but do you know what the odds are of becoming a successful comedian?

Well, you're an aspiring novelist.

That's not exactly a straightforward career path.

I know, I agree, and I'm trying to support him.

And you guys will have a chance, too.

He signed up to perform at a comedy club tonight.

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow.

Should I get him to postpone? Practice more?

I just don't want him to fall on his face after all he's been through lately.

If he fails, he fails.

He's a big boy, he can handle it.

(buzzing)

I'm with her.

Latin lover narrator: I was, too... along with the rest of the popular vote.

Bee supportive.

No meddling, Missy. (laughs)

Which brings us here. Now.

Oh, my God. Every time I hear it, it just gets funnier.

Really?

Definitely.

Okay, let's go over my Godfather as Batman bit again.

Go for it.

(imitating Vito Corleone): Hey...

I'm Batman, and we're family, okay?

So, what do you think you're doing?

You robbing that bank?

You can't rob from family.

(laughs)

(chuckles)

Wow. Methinks thou dost cr*ck up too much.

You are k*lling me.

(cell phone ringing)

Yes! Oh, hold on, it's Catalina.

Hello?

Rafael just ended our relationship because you told him you saw me kissing Arnaud.

You got in the car. You kissed him.

A friendly kiss.

I don't kiss my friends like that.

Well, I do, and you should have called me, and not run to Rafael.

I don't want him to get hurt.

And what about me?

I've known you for a month and you've lied the whole time.

He's my child's father.

Well, I guess I know where your loyalties lie.

Yes, you do.

(cell phone beeps)

Oh.

Okay, who's in the mood for a comedy show?

Totally calm and I totally feel like I'm gonna throw up.

(chuckles)

So, is Bruce coming?

No. He has his daughter, but thanks for inviting him.

You know, I was thinking about what you said, about not wanting to see me that way... and I get it.

But... I've changed... and maybe that's why I think he can, too.

Okay, so Darci will be here any minute.

You said you'd try.

I am trying.

We are scientifically and mathematically compatible to breed.

I will show you the algorithm.

Oh, please, you don't even know what an algorithm is.

(mocking): I do, too.

No, you don't.

Yes, I... shh! Darci.

Latin lover narrator: Ooh, this calls for another drumroll.

(drumroll plays)

Can I get you a drink?

Vodka soda.

Iced tea for me.

Oh, that's right. You're about to get pregnant.

Got to keep that body nice and pure.

You've certainly thought of everything.

It's because I'm driving.

Oh.

Look, I'm a straight sh**t, so I'm just gonna say this.

I'm sensing a little tension here.

You think?

I tried to tell her about the algorithm.

I take it you're not on board with our plan to coparent.

You've only known each other for two weeks.

We've thought everything through, negotiated the terms of our agreement, and we took my very comprehensive compatibility Love Forecast.

It takes a lot more than a compatibility test to make this kind of commitment, otherwise, everyone matched on eHarmony would be married.

My Love Forecast is better than eHarmony's... if you're honest.

Question 42 of our compatibility test is, "Do you have a supportive family?"

You checked yes, and clearly, you don't.

I'm gonna go freshen up.

(sighs) What?

Ma, come on. You know this is crazy.

Scott: Let me fix this.

There must be something I can do.

No, beautiful sister is certain.

I must go back to Czech Republic.

I just wanted to say good-bye.

I missed you.

Oh, I'm sorry, it's not the golden locks you fell for.

Oh, no. I... It was you who I fell in love with, Anezka.

Please, stay. We can be together.

Without Petra's money, I have no place to live.

No, I have money.

Rafael and I made an arrangement.

I can take care of you, hide you.

No, she'll find me.

She'll put me in jail.

And... she's already suspecting you of something.

Just be careful around her. Please.

Latin lover narrator: Oh, wow. What is this, The Americans?

He's gonna k*ll it.

I hope so, my stomach hurts.

Okay, hello, everyone.

Get ready to laugh... or not. I can't really say because we have a first-time performer here at The Laugh Outlet.

So, please give a "we'll-reserve-judgment" welcome to Michael Cordero.

(audience cheering)

(whooping) Bravo, Michael!

Yeah, baby!

Latin lover narrator: Go, Michael! Come on. Go, Michael. Michael, go.

This is either a classic case of stage fright or an ill-timed series of tiny, consecutive strokes.

You suck.

(microphone feedback)

Can somebody get me a gong already?

(woman laughs)

(man imitates gong ringing)

(audience members laugh)

Man: Get off the stage.

Psst. You spend a lot of time with a toddler.

(whispering): I should go.

Hey. You got this.

You spend a lot of time with a toddler.

(audience whispering)

You spend a lot of time with a toddler.

I, uh, I spend a lot of time with a toddler.

And so... And so, um, I-I've been watching (mouthing) a lot of Sesame Street.

And you know who goes down there one day? Uh...

Bobcat Goldthwait.

Yeah, you remember him, right?

From the Police Academy movies.

Well, those movies are actually one of the reasons why I became a cop, except six, Under Siege, 'cause that was just goofy.

(Jane and Rogelio laugh)

Anyway, Bobcat talks to Cookie Monster, he's like, (imitating Bobcat Goldthwait): Hey, um, uh, Cookie Monster, um, you want to get the biggest cookie you've ever seen?

Latin lover narrator: Well, this bit goes on longer than it should, but it should be noted that Michael wasn't the worst comedian in the world.

This is Jerry Seinfeld as E.T.

(imitating Jerry Seinfeld): Did you ever have a time where your finger just glows for no reason?

The pirate from Captain Phillips as played by SpongeBob, uh, Mateo's favorite.

(imitating SpongeBob): Look at me! Look at me!

I'm the captain now.

(imitates SpongeBob's laughter)

Dame Judi Dench as Scarface.

(imitating Judi Dench): First you get the money, then... you get the power, then you get the woman.

That one went right over Mateo's head.

At least, not to the people who loved him the most. But on a less comedic note...

Emilio: You are such a disappointment.

We're at 50% capacity.

Dad, I'm working on that.

Just give me a chance.

You're lazy. You're unmotivated.

You've accomplished nothing.

Look at your sister. Even she is on the right path.

Dad, I don't understand why you coddle her.

Luisa's family and... family's everything.

Michael: You are not Emilio and Elena's biological son.

I wonder if my dad knew.

That's why he always treated me so differently.

Latin lover narrator: Wait, why does he look so upset? I can't see anything from here. That's better. An addendum to Emilio's will? I knew I was right to be worried about the money. And you guys thought I was shallow.

(knocking on door)

Petra, this is not a good time.

Frankly, I don't care.

It's awfully dark in here.

Hiding something?

Latin lover narrator: The will.

What's going on, Petra?

You know, maybe I could have forgiven you for not knowing I was in a coma.

Maybe I could have forgiven you for, (pouring drink) I don't know, sleeping with my sister.

Maybe I could have even forgiven you for... using Scott to screw me.

Latin lover narrator: Uh-oh.

Uh, what are you talking about?

He told me.

I went to him, as Anezka, and he told me.

You made me feel like I... (chuckles) like I was... crazy... and paranoid.

I'm sorry.

Well, I'm not.

'Cause now I know who you really are, and the lengths you'll go to to get what you want.

But let me tell you something.

You... have absolutely no idea the lengths I'll go to.

Xiomara: So I wanted to apologize.

I was rude before, and I want to assure you that Rogelio does have a supportive family.

Doesn't seem like it.

Look, I'm just protective of him.

You guys are moving fast.

In some ways.

But we've both been wanting children for a really long time, and we've both been unlucky in love.

It's a gamble.

Love is a gamble.

This is methodical.

I'm only looking for one quality, and that's a good father for my child.

And I know Rogelio will be one because of the way he talks about your daughter.

There you are. Should we go?

I'm sh**ting my film tomorrow morning, and, unlike Beyoncé, I don't wake up like this.

Break a leg.

Oh, and I was just telling Darci, question number 42?

It's a yes.

So, question.

Hmm?

Did you really think I was funny when I was practicing and stuff?

I mean, yeah.

Not totally.

Oh, my God. Why didn't you tell me?

You let me make a fool of myself.

I wanted to stay out of it and be supportive, like Mr. Let It Bee said.

Oh, I almost forgot about Mr. Let It Bee.

Oh, my God.

I shouldn't have brought it up.

"I kinda rely on your meddling, Jane."

Or your judgments, let's call it.

I would have much rather you told me to save my set for Christmas with the Villanuevas.

Not even Christmas with the Villa...

I'm just being honest.

Ow. Ouch. Ouch.

(goofy voice): Honestly? Hmm?

Mr. Let It Bee's kinda in the mood.

Michael, stop it.

Bzzz.

I'm serious.

Let's get bizzzy. Bizzzy!

(laughing)

(phone ringing)

Abuela?

Oh, no. What happened?

I thought she was having brunch with Bruce and Tess.

Oh, no.

(buzzing)

Don't do it, Jane.

No meddling. Remember, meddling merely makes a mess.

But sometimes meddling's for the best.

Like Michael told you.

Who are you?

Who am I?

I'm Bette Meddler.

And I say Jane should put the pedal to the meddle.

Buzz off.

Do it, Jane.

You're the wind beneath her wings.

You know what? I will.

Uh, let me call you back, Abuela.

Latin lover narrator: You know those moments when a solution is crystal clear... and then you get there and realize it might not be

such a great idea?

Can I help you with something?

Oh, no, uh...

Never mind, I was just leaving.

Wait.

You're Jane Villanueva, right?

What are you doing here?

Did your slutty mom send you here to spy on me?

Uh, no, she didn't.

It's Jane. I recognize her from Instagram.

Her mom's the ho-bag.

You just walked in to the wrong store, girl.

Tell your mom to leave Tess alone.

Yeah, and tell her skanky ass to step off.

Girls, please.

Watch your language.

Hey, I got this.

Go fold those graphic sleep tees.

But... We can...

Sleep tees!

What do you want?

Just to talk.

Look, I get why you hate my mom, but she's not who you think she is.

She's changed.

I think you need to change because your outfit is basic.

Latin lover narrator: Dang, she dropped the "B" word.

Understand. Got that note.

Anyway, I just mean my mom wouldn't do the things she did then now.

And I know she is so sorry for how she acted, and I get how you feel, I honestly do.

But they have something.

They make each other happy.

And trust me, I hate to admit that.

Are you buying anything?

Because I work on commission.

Y-y-yeah.

These, uh... these socks.

That's it?

Uh, also, um, this top.

And I can't wait to check out those graphic sleep tees.

And who doesn't need an extra pair of khakis?

I can't believe they costumed me in khakis.

They're so not flattering.

Relax, Rogelio.

You're only going to be wearing them for a few seconds.

All right. Contract signed.

Good luck out there.

Wait.

Sorry, I'm just a little nervous.

Is it the nudity?

God, no, not that. That's nothing.

It's just that I'm used to telenovelas, and this is indie film acting.

It's more subtle.

I just want it to be great.

Now, listen, Rogelio.

Don't you let that doubt creep in.

I know your matchmaking profile inside and out, and your confidence quadrant was off the charts.

And one day our kid is gonna be so proud of you for giving this great performance, so you get out there.

Do it for our future spawn.

Come with me?

I'd love to.

I can't do this anymore.

I don't want to feel anymore.

Latin lover narrator: And it was at this rather inopportune moment that Rogelio realized something.

Um, Rogelio...

Oh, my!

Yeah, can you do something about that?

I don't think I can just now.

Latin lover narrator: Yep, his feelings for Darci had definitely come up.

Thanks for leaving the stage.

And I have something to confess.

I've grown feelings for you.

Yeah, I kind of picked up on that.

But you gotta get over it if you want to have a baby with me, understand?

(sighs) How bad is it?

Did I make everything worse?

Actually, Bruce and Tess had their first bonding moment in a while, over how unhinged you seem to be.

And we rescheduled brunch.

She's giving me a chance.

That's great.

I'm so happy I helped.

Yeah, well, no helping anymore.

Why? Michael appreciates it.

He's your husband.

There are many, many things you should do with your husband that you shouldn't do with your mom.

Good point.

I'll stay out of your relationship with Bruce.

Gotta go. Love you.

(phone beeps)

Oh, um, hi.

Jane. Hi.

Latin lover narrator: Wait, I thought he was done with her.

Sorry, I lost track of time.

Hey, so listen...

You don't need to tell me. It's your business.

Latin lover narrator: Good choice.

Latin lover narrator: I think.

It just seems like a disaster waiting to happen, that's all.

But you're staying out of it, right?

Mm-hmm.

Random question.

How 'bout a lawyer? For what?

For me, like, as a job?

I mean, it's related to police work and investigating, you know?

Whenever I testify in cases, I always thought the legal positioning was interesting.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

But it's not practical. I'd have to go back to school.

So you go back to school.

Does it feel exciting? That's the important thing.

Is it something you could see yourself doing long-term?

Yeah, I think so.

I mean, the law offices of Michael Cordero Jr.

I like the sound of that.

Oh, wow, you opened your own firm already.

Well, I gotta dream big.

That's what I'm talking about.

Latin lover narrator: Ah, to see that dream come true. But alas...

I'm not gonna sugarcoat things, okay?

Because I'm your lawyer, so there's confidentiality here.

I'm thinking your father suspected you weren't his son.

That's why he wrote this addendum.

So am I really entitled to nothing?

That's only if the addendum is probated.

From what you're telling me, you're the only one who knows it exists.

Latin lover narrator: Or was he?

It's awfully dark in here.

Rafael (over speaker): No, I haven't told anybody.

Allison: Let's just keep it that way.

All right? Nobody at all.

Latin lover narrator: Yep, looks like someone else knows it exists, too.