01x12 - [censored] to [censored]: Loch Ness, Scotland, United Kingdom

[bunniefuu]

Hello, everybody.

Hello. Hello.

Greetings!

That doesn't get any worse.

Hello.

Hello, and welcome!

Welcome to The Grand Tour, which, once again, comes to you from the shores of Loch Ness in Scotland.

Now...

The reason why we're still here is, after last week's show, these two got talking to a man in the local town, who has convinced them that, in that lake, there is a monster.

Well, there is a monster.

Have you seen it?

No, but the man was very convincing.

Did he sell you a tea towel with a drawing of the monster on it?

He did, and now we know what the monster looks like.

Exactly. We've also got photographs of the monster.

Look, we've got this one.

That's a log.

And we've got this one. Look at that!

Monster.

Another log.

Can I just draw your attention to a picture I've got? Here it is.

Well, that's not a monster, is it?

No, that is an elephant shrew. Well spotted.

Now, this is the Nissan GT-R among animals.

Have you ever seen it on the move? It's phenomenal!

It leaves a rooster tail and it corners like it's got downforce.

But my point is, this is a very rare animal, and yet the photograph of it is in sharp focus and colour.

Now, all the pictures of your monster are in black and white.

Well, maybe it is black and white.

And blurry.

Maybe it's blurry.

This has been driving me mad all week, so I decided to go for a drive on some of Scotland's, let's be honest, brilliant driving roads.

They are... They are fantastic.

And actually, speaking of which, something called the North Highland Initiative, set up by Prince Charles, a few years ago it came up with the North Coast 500.

Now, this was going to be Scotland's answer to Route 66 in America.

Miles of amazing scenery. Incredible road.

Got a picture of a bit of it here.

Look at that.

Huge success.

Loads of big spenders came with their Lamborghinis, and their Ferraris and their Porsches.

Hotels were full, restaurants were packed.

Local economy booming.

So how long do you think it was before the local newspaper carried a headline containing the following words:

"police" and "crackdown"?

Ten days.

Two days.

Two days.

"Oh, we can't have people driving along that!

You might run into a pedestrian!"

It's a road!

I know it is. And then you've got the A9.

Ninety-nine miles of continuous average speed camera.

Ninety-nine?

Ninety-nine miles.

Now, I'm sorry, you lot, I presume you're all petrolheads, yes?

Yes!

So let me ask you a question.

Dying in your beds, many years from now...

...would you be willing to trade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back and say to the Scottish Safety Camera Partnership, "You can take our licences, but you can't take our freedom"?

Freedom! Freedom!

Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!

Now look what you've done!

Thank you.

Look what you've done!

I know.

That's dangerous!

I know.

Let's get on with the show.

Yes. In tonight's car programme...

An ant in a jar.

A dog on a lead.

And some beans on a table.

But first, when someone wants to buy a large and very fast saloon car, they tend to buy German.

They think there is no alternative.

But is there?

This is the Lexus GS F.

And straight away, we can see that it isn't an especially handsome car.

And it's a Lexus, which marks its owner out as a golf enthusiast and possibly... a bore.

And things are worse when you try to live with it for a while.

The most annoying thing, apart from the buttons on the steering wheel, all of which seem to retune the radio to a station you don't like very much, apart from that, every time you reach for a can of zesty drink in the cup holder...

I've done it again!

You can't help but nudge the mouse which sets the destination on the satnav to where you are.

In 300 yards, right turn.

I don't need to be told how to get here.

I'm already here.

Next right, then right turn.

Oh, God. Now it's trying to make me go back there a few yards.

I was there!

So, apart from a fiddly and annoying satnav...

Next right, then right turn.

...what else do you get for your £70,000?

Er... Not much, really.

Er... You don't get Wi-Fi or Apple CarPlay, or gesture control.

You don't even get a DSG gearbox.

Seats don't massage you as you drive along, it can't park itself.

Erm...

But you do get a DVD player.

And how 1996 is that?

This car, then, is sparsely equipped and annoying.

However, it's also rather good.

First of all, there's the engine.

BMW and Mercedes both use turbocharging to balance the need for power with the need for good emissions... but this doesn't.

This mixes the fuel with the air, and then, with no trickery at all, blows it up!

Of course, that does mean the GS F isn't very kind to animals.

And that's a bad thing, make no mistake.

But on the upside, listen to the noise it makes!

At medium revs, it sounds baleful, like a... lonely dog.

But when you build the revs up, it sounds like what it is: a normally aspirated five-litre V8.

It doesn't produce anything like the power or the torque you get from its turbocharged German rivals, but for sheer excitement...

It's like being tickled by a goddess.

And it's not exactly slow.

It does 0-60 in four-and-a-half seconds.

And flat out, it'll do nearly 170 miles an hour.

And then there's the handling.

It's hard to believe that this is a large and extremely comfortable five-seater with a boot that's big enough for your golf bats and all your Freemasonry paraphernalia, because... it feels like a sports car.

You can change the way the car behaves with various knobs here and buttons here, but I've got everything turned off so I can get a feel for how the car behaves without an electronic safety blanket.

And I like it!

Look at that.

The steering's not brilliant at low speeds, but when you've got the arse hanging out like that... it's fantastic!

Yes!

Time for another zesty drink.

Oh, damn it!

In 300 yards...

I know where I am!

Next right. Then right turn.

Oh, for God's sake!

For living with on a day-to-day basis, German cars are far better.

But as a driving machine, and you may find this conclusion surprising...

I think the GS F has them licked.

Well, well.

Now...

Now, I should point out, there is a new BMW M5 coming later this year, but it'll have to go some to be better than that GS F.

It really will.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But exactly how many animals were harmed in the making of it?

A lot!

One of them was a tortoise!

I know. Let's gloss over that, OK?

And let's find out now how fast the Lexus goes round the Eboladrome.

And that, of course, means handing it over to a man who thinks that fruit is from the Soviet Union.

Yeah, it's the American.

He's coiled and ready.

And he's off!

Unleashing all the 471 wailing horsepower for the first sprint of the Isn't Straight.

What the hell does all this sh*t do in here?

All he needs is two pedals and a wheel to unleash the full shock and awe.

Traction control?

If you want something with a mind of its own... get a horse, get married.

Fortunately, he doesn't need the electronic nannies.

Pushing it hard up to Your Name Here, and now leaning on the mighty Brembo brakes.

Gentle now, letting the torque-vectoring diff do its thing.

And then back on the throttle so that mighty V8 can sing its song once more.

If they would have let me bring my g*n, I'd have probably sh*t myself by now.

And that would be a waste of great talent.

Right, another fast dash up the Isn't, and now shifting rapidly down the eight-speed a*t*matic as he arrives at Old Lady's House.

Feeding it precisely through there on this damp track, before opening it up for the broken surface down to Substation.

Giving the fixed-rate dampers a good workout here.

Two corners left.

Tidy through there.

Just Field of Sheep to go.

And he's right on the edge of the grip and across the line!

It did look good. It did look good.

It did look good.

How did it do?

A-ha!

Well, now let's find out where it goes on the Lap Board.

Remember, it was damp.

Er...

Oh... Oh.

Oh, wow! Wow!

So it's slower than an already-out-of-date BMW, it makes you look like a Freemason, and it causes animals to explode.

Yes. Yes, but...

Yes, but it's just another of your excellent recommendations, Jeremy.

Thank you very much. Never mind.

Yes, thank you very much, indeed.

And now we must move on, because it is time to set the satnav for destination chat, as we head down Conversation Street.

It hurt.

That hurt?

It hurt.

It did? But not as much as the wine bottle last week.

Now, Mercedes, they've come up with this plan, or this idea, where you can rent your car out when you're not using it.

Is that a bit like erm... Airbnb?

Exactly like Airbnb.

The thing Mercedes haven't realised is that we, and I'm sure you all agree with me, we form an emotional bond with our car.

We're attached to them.

Exactly.

So renting it to someone else would be like renting out your pet.

Yeah, or your penis.

Yes.

I'm attached to it, I mean. That's what I mean.

One would hope so, yeah.

You wouldn't want to see somebody else having fun with it.

No, it's mine!

Exactly. Exactly.

And that's what I'm on about. Mercedes has obviously got it into its head, and this really worries me, because it's a large car company, that cars are just tools, like microwave ovens or fridge freezers, that we'll just sort of gladly, "Borrow it. I don't really care."

You're absolutely right. They are very emotional.

Because you know if you have a car, eventually you sell it, but then you see somebody else driving around in it, that always feels bad.

It's a bit like watching your ex-girlfriend do sex with someone else.

No. And after a terrible evening in a wardrobe, I know.

It's strangely undermining.

I'm sorry to interrupt. See those circles in the lake just there?

Monster! Monster!

It's a monster!

I just saw... Did anyone else see that?

Monster! Monster!

It's real. I told you.

Since we can't agree on this, is there a monster in the loch?

Yes!

Right, there you go. They live here, they would know.

And if there were no monster, what would you do for a tourist industry up here?

Sell tea towels without monsters on them.

No, I'm not having that, because what you're saying is, "Come to beautiful Scotland." As you've said, lovely roads, lovely scenery.

There's a hotel, a beautiful lake.

Why would they say, "Yeah, but there's a monster"?

That would be like saying, "Come to Yorkshire.

It's beautiful. We've got the plague, you know?"

They they wouldn't do that.

We've got distracted a little bit.

We have got a bit off-topic.

What were we talking about?

We were talking about him hiding in a wardrobe, watching an ex-girlfriend have sex.

Yeah, that was an over-share.

It was a bit of an over-share.

It was either that or he'd rented his penis out. I can't remember.

Something along those lines.

But actually, there's a point I just want to make on this about this emotional connection we have with our cars.

Cos you know when you scrap a car? It really is very tragic.

When you watch a car that's got all those shared memories going into the crusher.

It's the end of the road.

It is.

There's this... a new organisation.

It's called Charity Car, where you can give your car to them, they deal with all the paperwork and what have you and take your car away.

Yeah? And then they give the money that they raised to a charity of your choice.

That's a nice idea. I like that.

It is a nice idea.

So that, you know, it's sad your old car's gone, but now... you know, a donkey can be rescued.

And your car lives on in the smile of an abandoned donkey.

That's a beautiful thing. That's what we're about.

That's what this show is, it's all heart.

It's what we are. those are the two pillars that underpin everything, really, on this show.

I've got some conversation for you.

Have you?

Yes, which is that there's a website that tells you how many of any given type of car are still left on the roads of Britain today, yes?

And I'm afraid we have some sad news.

Yeah, we do. This is a big worry.

You remember the Citroën Saxo VTS, yeah? There it is.

The car of the angry yob.

It is the ideal car to nip out and steal a chainsaw in.

A fabulous, proper, fizzy little hatchback. Loved it.

Well, in 2008, there were 5,000 of them on the road.

This year, 491 left on the road.

See?

And, in fact... I know, this is a worry.

Look, we've got a little chart. We've drawn this up.

At that rate, by 2019, they'll all have gone.

There's also the Vauxhall Calibra 16V.

There's a picture. We used to love that.

Do you know, there are only 323 of those left, and they could be extinct within a year.

And what's interesting is there are people all over the world working hard to save the tiger from extinction, but nobody is doing anything to save the Vauxhall Calibra 16V.

We've identified something here.

No, there isn't.

However, there is some good news in all of this. The Morris Ital.

175,000 of these... turds were made, were squeezed out by the Austin.

And in 2015, there were only 35 left.

Yes! Now you can cheer!

That is good news.

It's good news.

Only 35 on the road.

No. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're absolutely right.

But before you celebrate, yes, 35 left on the road in 2015.

Mm-hm.

In 2016... there were 47.

What, so they're going up?

Are they mating?

No. No.

I think people are restoring them.

What people?

Mad people.

Anyway, look... No, you're possibly right, but I've done a calculation.

And at that rate... That's a 34% increase in just one year.

And at that rate, by the year 2044, all 175,000 Morris Itals will be back on the road.

Oh, my God!

This is a disaster.

It is. That, ladies and gentlemen, is Brexit. backwards with Britain.

It is time now, since we've reached the end of Conversation Street, to select reverse and have a look at this.

This is the Bentley Bentayga.

A massive, luxurious, four-wheel-drive SUV sh**ting brake.

The question is, is it any good, or is it a load of...

What's the word?

Well, to find out, James brought it here... to the German Alps.

Right, I'll get straight to the point.

It is tremendous.

The important thing to remember about this car is this.

It's not an off-roader, it's not an SUV.

It's not an off-roader, it's not an SUV. First and foremost, it's a Bentley.

First and foremost, it's a Bentley.

That's what this car is about.

I'm already loving it.

But then... guess what?

The problem is that a barebones Bentley costs £160,000, and for £12,000 less than that, you can have this.

An all-singing, all-dancing, everything-fitted-as-standard 5L supercharged Range Rover.

Or, for £120,000 less than that, you can have this, the new Jaguar F-PACE.

And it's not like this thing is a garden shed.

It's got loads of clever stuff on it.

So if you're coming back from the shops with your arms full of heavy bags, you can open the boot with your foot.

Yeah, but I can do that with a Range Rover.

Yes, but it's £120,000 more!

And you don't get one of these. Look.

What is it?

It's a waterproof, go-anywhere bracelet that you use to lock... and unlock it, and start the engine, so you don't need to carry keys in your pocket.

That...

That's actually quite a good idea.

I know, it's brilliant.

How do you charge it up?

I don't know. Maybe it's like one of those watches.

Oh, hello.

Oh.

Puff Daddy is arriving.

Do you think he's wearing a chain?

You know, that thing costs four times more than the Jag.

And it's not like the badges are that different.

That Jag is... a car.

This is more of a statement.

This is a new way of understanding the condition of being human.

It is the last word in luxury.

It's a very expensive statement, though.

I mean, if you've got the money to buy that, you could buy the Jag and still have £130,000 to spend on a PR agent to put you on breakfast TV talking about how great you are.

It costs £130,000 more for a reason.

Jags are for deluded middle-aged men who entertain tragic fantasies about being Lotharios.

I know, I've had four of them!

If you're talking about brands with delusion - hello!

Bentley, that's what it is.

Guys.

What?

We are not gonna sort this out in a car park.

We need to go for a drive, and I have worked out a route on this map here, OK?

We are in the village of... Wank, and we'll go from... Wank to Kissing, then on to Petting.

Then... this place.

And then... Wedding.

So, Wank, Kissing, Petting, Wedding.

Yes. It'll be a journey through life without leaving Central Europe.

Yeah, it will. Let's do it.

Very excited, we set off on what the Germans call the Romantic Road.

So, we are leaving the town of Wank.

What's that? "Thank you for..."

What? Oh, yeah.

And after just a few minutes, something very unusual happened.

Guys...

I can't think of anything to say.

What a relief.

No, but I really can't, because if you want a large, luxury off-roader, you buy a Range Rover.

The end.

The end, move on.

James, however, had lots to say about his Bentayga.

Hey, chaps, did you know the stereo in my car has got 18 speakers?

Is that all? Mine's got 27.

Yeah, all playing rubbish.

Thanks, Hammond.

Actually, 27 speakers is not the point.

My car stereo produces 1,950W, making it the most powerful stereo ever put in a car.

In fact, it's about the only thing in here that does make a noise.

This is a little bit like driving along in the British Library.

It's very quiet, it's very refined.

The carpets are very thick.

Which means you simply aren't ready for what happens when you put your foot down.

Whoa!

So this has an all-new W12 600-horsepower engine, and it's like being in a leather-trimmed volcanic eruption.

It doesn't accelerate, it goes off.

Bloody Nora!

Sadly, at this point, Jeremy thought of something to say.

See that? That's the prison where h*tler wrote Mein Kampf.

Yeah. Where are you going with that?

Nowhere, really.

Just thought you might like to know.

Good. Let's get back to the cars.

Now, you might be thinking that because Jaguar is owned by the same company that own Land Rover, this is just a Freelander with a Jaguar badge on it, but it's not.

Underneath is the same basic aluminium structure you find under a Jaguar XE, which is a fantastic car, so that's good.

I do only get a 3L supercharged V6, which means 375 brake horsepower.

That's 225 less than James's, let's be honest, leather-lined Audi Q7.

But this is light, so it ain't no slouch.

I like the way this thing handles itself.

I like the way, when you change direction, when you turn, it controls its weight, what there is of it, across the axles.

That makes it feel nimble, eager.

It doesn't feel like I'm sitting in a stately home falling off a cliff.

Soon, James was in my way.

Oh, look.

James, you should be where I am. You can see Buckingham Palace and...

Oh, no, it's the back of your car.

I like it when my man is following me. Do you have the luggage for the weekend?

Come on, James.

You might have all the horsepower in the world, but you are in the way.

Stay with that, Birmingham boy.

James, are you worried all your furniture will slide about if you go any faster?

Oh, tunnel.

Excellent. I have important work to do.

Honestly, the plebs make such a noise about everything.

That is putting the S back in SUV.

This is a sporty sports-utility vehicle.

And the sport is not fishing.

Sadly, our playtime was then interrupted by a worrying call from Clarkson.

Erm... guys, we've had a text from Mr Wilman.

Oh, God. What does it say?

It said that to sort out the performance differences, we should go to a nearby airstrip, where he'd laid on some competition.

So we did.

Chaps, this is what we're up against.

BMW X5 M.

4.4L, twin-turbocharged, 567 horsepower.

That is fairly serious competition.

If you think about it, it's gonna be Britain versus Germany.

Well, not really. Your two cars are Indian and mine's German as well.

All right, it's gonna be India versus Germany, and I shall be victorious in my mighty lighty Jaguar.

Right. Well, you see, you won't be.

Not in a million years.

Sorry about wasting your time with this race.

You could launch a car that does a million miles an hour and costs 8p and runs on water, and people would still buy Range Rovers, because why would you not?

OK, air-conditioning is off.

It's in dynamic mode, gearbox is in sport.

Come on, little Jag.

So I'm not really worried about Pinky and Perky's challenge, but the BMW does worry me.

Almost as much power, very obviously lighter.

A lot of well-to-do people in Britain will want to know the result of this race before they choose what colour Range Rover they'd like for next year's sh**ting season.

Where's the Bentley gone?

I'm losing, everybody.

Come on!

150... Oh, no!

Oh, no! Where is he getting that from?

Easy.

Last. Stone-dead last.

Bugger it.

Yes, yes. Well done, James.

Oh, who knew, if you spend four times as much on a car, you get one that's a tiny bit faster than another?

Ssh! You two just haven't got the message, have you?

What, that you lost?

Yeah. Well...

No, the message is very clear. Underpants, OK?

You can buy a cheap pair from a market stall, or you can buy an expensive pair with gold thread in them, or you can do what everyone does, you go to Marks & Spencer's.

Marks & Spencer's, if you're watching this not in the UK, is where we all buy our pants from.

Well, I don't.

After the race, we resumed our journey, and Richard and James resumed their bickering.

What does F-PACE mean? It sounds like a domestic cleaning product.

I think your Bentley would look better with alabaster lions instead of door mirrors.

I was going to ask if the glovebox is permanently locked shut in the Jag, because that's where you keep your wallet.

The front of your Bentley looks silly.

It just looks a bit daft.

And why was it you didn't get Brian Sewell's old job?

Does the options list for your Bentley Bentayga include oil paintings of imaginary ancestors?

I apologise for the noises these two are making.

I realise you're all sitting at home going, "What are they on about? I just want the Range Rover." Of course you do.

The only reason you'd buy the Bentley is cos your hip-hop record's gone to number one, and the only reason you'd buy the Jag is cos you can't afford a Range Rover.

Since Jeremy had brought up the subject of money...

I don't know how they can sell you one of these for from 34 grand.

And this one, with everything on it, quite apart from a V6 supercharged engine, it's got leather everything, iPhone connectivity, radar-distance control, voice control, electric boot, magic key you wear on your wrist.

All of that still only costs 51 grand. How do they do that?

Next to everything else, it suddenly looks like the bargain of the century.

Jeremy, this car is better than yours.

Well, now, it just isn't, is it?

You're being a... What's the word?

We then flashed through the village of Kissing, getting it over with as quickly as possible.

Then we went through Petting.

And to make sure we reached erm... third base before bedtime, we decided to set our satnavs.

Please name the country.

Austria.

Please name the city.

Foo-cking.

Excuse me?

Sorry?

Sorry?

Is your destination Selking?

No. Foo-cking.

Kraking has been accepted.

Which street should I select?

Sorry?

I can't say it. People are listening.

Sorry?

Thankfully, Hammond had decided to program his bargain-basement system manually.

F.

U.

K.

It's gone in!

And soon, we crossed the border into Austria.

It's very, very pretty, Austria.

No idea why h*tler was in such a bad mood.

Eventually, we arrived... erm... here.

So is this the climax of this stage of our journey?

Is it all it's cracked up to be?

That's what I want to know.

Cos often it can be a disappointment, the first time you go there.

The first time I came here, I couldn't find the way in.

Once we'd arrived in...

...James was very keen we should get in the back of his Bentley.

What's really incongruous about this is that you're very obviously in a Bentley.

All this looks very Bentley, until you look down here and see these symbols on this control knob, and it's very obviously a serious off-roader.

Oh, what, those symbols?

So you can set it for swamp, minefield, Christmas or Mexico? Nice.

Yes, Hammond.

Shall I tell you something interesting about the wood, or one of the woods you can have in this?

It only grows on a cliff face in Asia, and the way they get it is they have to abseil down it with their woodworking tools.

Why don't they just use wood from a tree that grows in a field?

Is everything standard in here?

No.

No?

No.

So how much is this car?

This particular one?

Yes.

Is 212,000 and something.

What?

So that means the extras in this car cost more than Hammond's entire Jaguar?

How much is your Jag?

About the same.

What, that Jag with all the extras?

That is £51,450.

And this has got £52,000 worth of extras in it?

It's just a little bit more on extras than the entire Jag.

It's great... value.

Can I just say, James...

Yes, do.

...I do quite like the interior of this car.

No, I do. I'll be honest. I like the quilted leather, I like the wood that comes from a cliff and all of that.

But the exterior, I'm sorry, it's hideous.

Ugly. Pig ugly.

Yeah, well, hang on a minute.

Because, do you remember, and it is a long time ago, when the Continental GT first came out, we all thought that was hideous...

It was.

...and now we all love it.

It's one of the few things we agree on.

Yes. Yes, that's true.

But I think this is more like you.

When I first met you, I thought you were ugly.

And now I still think you're ugly.

A crushing criticism from one so handsome.

James?

What?

Unlock the doors.

James, please unlock the doors.

We're in... this place.

In the back of a car, together.

It is remarkable, isn't it? All those places...

I'm sure... All those place names are real.

They are real. Yeah, real places.

They really are.

Those place names are real.

Anyway, we'll pick up that pointless test later on.

It's not pointless!

Yes, it is.

I already explained it perfectly well with the underpants thing.

And I shall be explaining using more demonstrations later on.

Oh, good.

But now it is time for Celebrity Brain Crash!

Now, our guest... our guest today, he directed Batman, Planet Of The Apes, Edward Scissorhands.

And, after last week's mine disaster, he's decided to come to the studio underneath the mines in a miniature submarine.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Burton!

Here is the submarine. There he is, sneaking underneath the mines.

Clever. As he heads cleverly towards us.

He's out there somewhere.

He's out there somewhere. This is fantastic.

What are we gonna talk to him about?

There's so much.

What do you want to ask him? About The Nightmare Before Christmas.

It's my favourite Christmas film.

Is it? I want to know what it's like to work with Johnny Depp.

Yeah, there's a lot to talk to him about.

Oh, hello.

We've lost the feed somehow from the sub.

Oh, God Almight... Oh, my God!

Oh, no!

Oh!

There's obviously been a catastrophic failure with the submarine.

No idea what could have caused it.

The monster's bitten it!

For the hundredth time, Hammond, there is no such thing as the Loch Ness Monster.

Does that mean he's not coming on, then?

Well, James, his lungs have filled with icy water, he's sunk to the bottom, and his body is being compressed to the size of a Ping-Pong ball.

So that is a no.

It's OK, though, because we have a back-up plan.

Do we?

Yes.

You see, the thing is, these days, a lot of performance cars have launch control.

Ah, yes. Yes.

The way it works is you put your foot on the throttle and brake at the same time, and the car's computer works out exactly how many revs you need and exactly how much wheelspin to give the car so that you get an absolutely perfect start as soon as you just take your foot off the brake.

Yeah, and we were wondering, just when exactly can you use that?

If you're in a town centre at a set of lights going...

Know what I mean?

It's a bit rude.

It is, as this short film explains.

Coconut-milk latte with a caramel sh*t, please.

OK, a coconut-milk latte with a caramel...

What is it for?

Pointless.

The thing is, you can't... you can't even use launch control on a race track, because you can only engage it for three or four seconds before it cuts out.

And because you don't know when the lights are gonna go green, you don't know when your three seconds start, do you?

Exactly, which is why we have decided it is the most pointless invention ever.

Yes, and talking of pointless, let's get back to our film.

Er... We're road-testing a Range Rover and some other cars.

We began in the German village of Wank, and the plan was to go through Kissing and Petting towards Wedding, which was our destination.

Yes, and we pick up the action having decided to spend the night in Fu...

We woke the next morning in this dew-kissed village.

And over a rather awkward breakfast, Clarkson made an announcement.

I don't mean to be hurtful or disrespectful, but erm...

Go on, spit it out.

Well, it's... just because we've been here, doesn't mean we necessarily have to go on to Wedding.

Aw!

It's me, it's not you.

No, he's right. It's been going so well.

And if we go on to Wedding, we'll have to carry on and on and on, through Routine, Boredom, Resentment, Spare Bedroom, Temptation, Affair, Discovery, Remorse, Revenge, Divorce, and then it's Death.

Or you could turn off through Online Dating, Meaningless Sex, Bottomless Regret, Financial Ruination, and then Heart att*ck.

And then you end up at Death anyway.

Exactly, Hammond. And that's why I'm suggesting that instead of going to... Wedding, we go to the Nürburgring.

Because James's car was the only one that spoke German, he set the satnav.

Nürburgring.

And then we set off.

Soon, we were on Germany's Autobahns, which got us thinking about how sensible they are.

And here we are on the Autobahn.

No speed limits.

Is it chaos? No.

If you remove the speed limits, people don't all suddenly drive into bridge supports at 200 miles an hour.

We're not that stupid. Just as if you leave the gate unlocked at the lion closure at a safari park, we don't all run in and have a picnic.

In the last 15 years, Britain's economy has grown by 58%, whereas Germany's has grown by 102%.

And that's because we're all doing 20 miles an hour and they're doing 200.

Speed is good for business, and it saves lives as well.

Because when we drive down the motorway in Britain, we're looking at all the gantries to see if they have speed cameras, or we're looking at our speedometers to make sure we're not breaking the limit.

We're not looking where we're going.

Heavily enforced speed limits k*ll people.

The Autobahn also got us thinking about how times have changed on the SUV front.

It is amazing, really, that an off-road vehicle can feel this stable, this planted, I think the word is.

Because it's not that long ago, if you think about early Range Rovers and the like, going fast was actually quite frightening.

They had stickers on the sun visors, do you remember, with a picture of the car toppling over.

"Avoid sudden swerves."

Yes, I'd completely forgotten about that sticker, but you're right, it did.

"If you operate the steering wheel, this vehicle will fall over."

Chaps?

What?

There are no speed limits, right?

So we are allowed to go as fast as our cars will go.

But who dares actually do that?

Who dares go the fastest?

Right, if we're going to play that game, I might even join in.

Bang on.

Go on, James. Help yourself.

There you go, 187, top speed.

Really?

The thing is, you were behind me when you started and you still are behind me.

I did 190.

Oh, for God's sake! You didn't.

That's faster than your car will go.

In order to put a stop to this nonsense, I made us pull in at the next service station.

Right, small cameras.

We fix these to the dash where they can see the speedo, and then there's no cheating.

Why have you got a dog?

I shall show you. Follow me.

If you want a pet, you can have something expensive, like an iguana with a silver necklace.

Or you can have something cheap, like an ant.

What ant?

That ant.

Or you can use your common sense and have a labradog.

With my clever demonstration over, we got back on the motorway and mounted Hammond's honesty cameras.

I've got a good way of cheating still.

Because if I push this button here, watch, my speedometer changes to kilometres an hour.

He'll never know.

And Jeremy, while you're setting your camera up, don't think about changing your display to km/h so you get a bigger number.

It was now time to begin the speed trials.

Here we go. Going for a big one.

Into a world of speed and glory!

Come on, Audi. You must be able to see me.

Come on, come on, come on.

Out of the way. And you in the Audi. Come on.

As the traffic eased, Hammond was knocking on the door of 150 miles an hour.

That's 148.

Forty-nine.

And I, too, was getting close.

150 coming up. 150 any minute now.

Come on, stretch it, stretch it, stretch it, stretch it, stretch it.

Sadly, it was hard to say how fast James was going, because he's an imbecile.

Oh, yeah! That big number's coming up.

Got to b*at 151.

sh*t!

Why won't it go any faster than that?

Come on!

Why won't you go any faster than 148?

Eventually, heavy traffic ended this important test.

Right, as we are in a traffic jam, I may as well give you the results of Who Dares Wins.

Richard Hammond, 155 miles an hour.

I maxed the Range Rover at 149.

And James May, because he's a blithering idiot, 6,000rpm.

The idiot's car had also drained its t*nk, so while he was filling up, I set up another of my clever demonstrations.

Gentlemen, observe.

You can buy very expensive sunglasses.

These ones are made from real gold.

Or you can buy very cheap sunglasses.

But what do we all do?

We all have Ray-Bans.

You do know you're just being irritating, don't you?

All you've actually told us about your car is something to do with underpants, iguanas and sunglasses.

I'm just saying.

Well, don't!

Back on the move, we continued to follow James on our journey to the Nürburgring.

But after a while, I started to worry.

Where's he going?

Why have we turned off the motorway?

James...

What?

Well, I'm going to get straight to the point.

This is not the Nürburgring.

It's Nuremberg.

Ah, well, yes, but...

There's no "Ah, well" about it.

The thing is, I can't actually speak German, only the bit about hands being wet because he's under a waterfall.

But Nürburgring is the same in English as it is in German.

I did it with voice control in German with my car.

It was set to German. I said Nürburgring and it went "blink" and I said, "Yes." But it's a similar name.

Don't blame the car!

Well, I didn't pronounce it properly.

That's like muddling up our names cos they both begin with J.

Look, let's not get all bogged down with who's been a massive idiot and despite what he claims can't do anything properly.

Nothing.

Let's instead look for a race track near here.

Why don't we try and find one?

And that is exactly what Hammond did.

Where?

Well, it's all around you. Look, I've marked it out.

Look, it goes around there and up there and along there, and then down there and round there.

It's not really a track, is it?

No, it's better. It's rallying.

This will be the first ever Nuremberg Rally.

Well, not the... absolute first ever.

He's right.

Do you imagine, if we did motorcycling round here, it would be the first ever Nuremberg Trials?

Well, we could give it a go.

Let's not run before we can walk, eh?

Since Hammond's course featured twisting bends, loose surfaces, sheer drops and piles of enormous rocks everywhere, some practice laps were in order.

Slightly slow there cos I go round a dusty one, and then this is... I have no idea.

"Danger." Right. I'll take note of that.

I don't want to fall off there.

Oh, sh*t. I really don't want to fall off there.

Now, this bit is really scary.

Yeah.

That's a bit of a trouser-changer.

Ooh! Now, this is quite interesting, cos in normal use, all of the power is sent to the rear wheels in the Jag.

But it can then send power, up to 50% of it, to the front wheels.

Right, this is where I can go very wrong if I'm not careful.

Oh, sh*t.

Clarkson, meanwhile, had decided he didn't need to have a practice.

What are you doing?

It's my baked beans demonstration for when Hammond gets back.

Because we've got cheap supermarket beans, then expensive...

Oh, God. I haven't got time for this.

And then, in the middle, the Range Rover...

Oh!

With practice over, Hammond lined up on the beginning line for his timed lap.

Richard Hammond, begin in three, two, one.

Go!

Here we go.

Now, come on, Hammond. Concentrate.

Oh! That was beautiful lift-off oversteer.

A little bit of a brake, and then...

Ooh! That's too fast there.

I just had a wee.

Right, let's predict what he's saying in there.

He'll say the traction control won't be turned off properly.

Cos you can't turn the traction control off completely.

He'll say, "I need power and there isn't any!"

Come on! Where's the power?

Give me power! Give me power!

Now, this one... Oh, sh*t.

This is the really fast bit.

Come on, baby! Come on. That's it. Give me power.

Going in with big speed here.

Now, brake early, early, early, early, early, and then turn in.

Bury it.

I'm gonna be miles faster than him.

Well, you haven't even done any practice.

I know.

It's honestly not that simple.

Yes, it is.

Come on!

Giving it all she can. That's it, there you go.

Little burst and across the line.

Five minutes 56 dead.

That good?

I don't know.

Five 56.

Dead.

Yes! Or no! Did you see me at that last bit?

The traction control just wouldn't let me put the power down there at all.

It stopped! Did you see me stop there?

Why have you got a stopwatch?

To time him.

No, no, no, no. Look.

What date is it? April 26th.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, OK.

April 26th at...

No, a better idea.

Why don't we just chalk marks on the roof for every day?

Every time the sun comes up, OK, another mark.

Right.

James May, you may begin in three, two, one.

Now.

And May is off for Great Britain and Germany in the Bentley!

He doesn't like heights.

No, he doesn't like heights.

He doesn't like speed.

Or slippery stuff.

So... everything he hates.

Despite the hostile environment, I was determined to dig deep for the honour of the Bentley badge.

Slidey, slidey, slidey.

Yes, Tarmac.

Did you... Did you hear that?

That was tyre squeal from James May.

Up the ridge.

Knock it down a cog.

Oh, my God.

Blimey!

That wasn't very James May-ish, was it?

He'll have frightened himself to death.

That's the dippy bit.

Look at this!

Oh! He got air! He got air!

I think he's being committed.

Jeremy, what if he beats me?

What if he beats you?

Yeah.

You'll die of shame and I'll die laughing.

Yeah, OK.

Try as he might, though, the old lady was losing time in the corners.

The trouble is, it is a two-and-a-half-tonne fairly long car, and you can't change the laws of physics.

Cor! That's not good.

Oh, get it straight! Come on!

Oh, no! I overdid it.

Six minutes 16.

So he was 16...

18 seconds slower than you and his car is £212,000.

Say some more of that stuff. Write it down.

Finally, it was the turn of the best car here.

Three, two, one.

Begin!

He hasn't... done a single practice lap.

I mean, not one.

Traction control off. That's better.

And watch this!

Flick it in. Nicely done.

Flick it back the other way.

While he's driving, what do we think he's being? Modest?

Self-effacing? Quiet?

He probably isn't saying anything. He's probably concentrating.

Yes!

Oh, God, I'm good at everything.

However, in order to win this contest, I had no intention of relying only on my supreme skills.

You see, the thing is, the Jaguar and the Bentley were designed as road cars and then given some off-road ability.

Whereas the Range Rover was designed as an off-road car, and then given some ability to work on the road.

It's only a subtle difference, but it means I don't have to follow the beaten track.

I can take shortcuts.

It's such a clever car, it really is.

This car senses what sort of terrain it's driving over, and then engages or disengages the differentials accordingly.

You could not come up here in the Bentley or the Jaguar.

It's quiet. I can't hear it.

What's he in at the moment?

A pair of pants? Tin of beans? Labrador?

There'll be another stupid...

"You get ordinary ones and mine's just the best."

The Range Rover can wade through water nearly a metre deep.

And look at it!

What a machine you are!

Now we just pump back up the hill.

Power!

Power now!

There he is.

Hey?

No, hang on a minute.

No, he's there, look.

No, but...

What?

And across the line.

He's almost two minutes quicker than you were.

That's not possible.

How did you do that?

What?

That.

A, your car's all wet, which it shouldn't be.

And you're almost two minutes faster than Hammond.

Yes, but, you see, the thing is, you can buy a cheap car, like a Jaguar, or you can buy an expensive car, like a Bent...

Cheat! Cheat! He just cheated.

A total waste of time, that whole film.

A total waste of time. Range Rover, two minutes faster.

You cheated, simple as that.

Anyway, look, if we can just put the bickering aside for one moment, I have to say, that little Jag was, and it really was, brilliant. And it was designed by a local boy, Ian Callum, born in Dumfries.

He didn't just do that. He also styled the Aston Martin DB7, the DB9, the Vanquish, the Ford Puma, the Escort Cosworth.

Yeah, he's British.

Basically, yeah.

Well, pretty much.

He is. He is.

Anyway, sadly, his new car isn't as good as a Range Rover.

Don't argue. It isn't.

And on that terrible disappointment for him, it's time to end.

Thank you so much for watching.

Thank you all so much for coming.

We'll see you next time. Goodbye.