The bathroom's just down the hallway.
Take your second right, then two lefts, just before the break room.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
If you're like me, then you know I have no idea where I'm going.
My brain shuts down immediately when I hear directions.
[inspirational music]
When I get driving directions, I politely nod and smile, but as soon as I get to my phone, I just map it.
And up until now, there's been no way to navigate inside an office.
♪ ♪
Many times, I've left a meeting and had the embarrassment of looping back by the person I just left.
I say things like, "I'm all turned around."
But, in fact, I never had my bearings to begin with.
[cell phone chimes]
Finally, there's Navigation Extreme, with maps of all office buildings, municipal buildings, and homes.
Navigating to bathroom. Proceed to highlighted route.
With Navigation Extreme, now you can have that same thing for every building in the world.
Approaching cubicles.
[cell phone chimes]
Destination ahead.
You have arrived at the bathroom.
Navigate to toilet?
Thanks, Navigation Extreme.
[dog barking in the distance]
[cell phone chimes]
And now the new Navigation Extreme will guide you for when you're figuratively lost.
You have been idle for 3.5 weeks.
Get job.
You know what? You're hired.
Shake hands with interviewer.
Make eye contact with interviewer.
♪ ♪
You may now leave the room.
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing]
I can't believe it. You're also not on Tinder.
Yeah.
It's the worst.
It's so dehumanizing.
It's dehumanizing.
[chuckles]
You knew I was going to say that.
That was very funny.
I'll get this.
Oh, thank you.
I don't know. Like, I guess that's it.
Oh, the night?
Yeah.
Well, we could go back to my place.
Uh, yeah, I'm definitely up for that if you are.
I am up for it.
[sighs]
[dramatic music]
No spots.
All right, one more little round.
♪ ♪
Mm...
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
How is there this much yellow?
What do they need all these spots for?
Hey.
Hi.
I just can't find a parking space anywhere.
I didn't realize tomorrow's garbage day.
I know. And they're towing cars at 6:00 AM.
All right, well, if you get a spot, text me, and I'll come get you so you don't have to walk.
Okay. Well, wait. What if you get a spot before I do?
Well, then I'll text you, and you can have my spot.
Aw. You'd do that?
I'm a very nice guy.
You are.
Yes, I am.
I can't wait.
[groans]
Oh, I think I see a spot.
Oh, go, get it.
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Yes. Fire hydrant again.
The one time I want to go home with a guy.
The one time I'm feeling a little crazy.
She said, "Do you want to hang out?
I want to spend more time to"-- and I can't park.
Go somewhere. You go somewhere.
May no one ever park there.
Come on!
Please, please! Oh, please!
I'm finding a spot.I am grateful. God damn it!
This is insane.
Why? Why? Why?
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[rooster crowing]
All right, I think we just have to face it.
This... this isn't working out.
Can you please just give me just one more chance?
I can't, okay?
My contact lens is fused to my iris.
I think I have to call a doctor.
I'm a doctor.
Good-bye, Fred.
I'm gonna go to my mom's.
All right.
Good-bye, Grace.
No. What am I doing?
I just-- I can't get a handle on this kind of dating.
I-I don't think I'm meant for this.
It does seem really overwhelming.
Why would they choose me over all these other options?
I-I think I'm just too sensitive.
Well, what about the dinner date the other night?
That didn't work out-- parking logistics.
Ah, I hate that.
Yeah.
I just wish there was some way I could have something arranged, you know, where I can have, like, a guaranteed mate for life.
We hear that all the time.
And we actually are the number-one arranged-marriage service in Portland.
This is great.
Yeah.
Well, I brought my mom, 'cause I thought--
I don't know how this works.
Like, does she choose somebody or...?
No, we at Amore, we act as your-- as your family, as your parents.
We're the person who you confide in most your desires and wants.
Uh, do you-- do you know Tom and Jennifer?
No.
They're happy together. Yeah.
They walk by sometimes, and you can see them holding hands.
Wow. Well, I'm really excited about this.
Uh, how tall are you?
6'2 3/4".
6'2 3/4".
No, Mom, I'm 5'8".
But the pediatrician said that you'd be 6'2 3/4".
No, but I never reached that height.
Okay.
It's my pediatrician.
Currently my doctor, so...
As an adult man, you see a pediatrician?
Yes, but I call him doctor.I 'm not like--
I'm a--H e knows I'm a grown man.
Yeah.
He's a doctor.
He's a child's doctor.
Yes.
Okay.
But...
There's no judgment here.
Judge away if you want.
I mean, if I can...
You know?
A little bit, I will.
I mean, I just want a mate.
What is your favorite food?
Spaghetti and meatballs.
He loves spaghetti and meatballs.
Mm-hmm. She makes the best.
Oh, Mom's spaghetti and meatballs?
Yes.
She seems like a special lady, huh?
She is very loving.
And she also gives me my space.
She's a caretaker. She challenges my intellect.
Yeah.
She's very cool.
I-I feel uncool talking so highly about my mom, but it's just one of those relationships.
That's really cool. It's cool to hear.
You're very special, too, Freddie.
Great, so you're 5'8", you like spaghetti.
We're almost done.
If this is it, I would like to know what the results are.
Well, you're gonna get an email with a phone number on it.
You call it, and that's your wife.
[silly slide whistle]
All right, big smile, give me a smile.
[camera shutter clicks]
Yeah, all right.
[camera shutter clicks]
[upbeat music]
[laughs]
♪ ♪
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
[upbeat music playing from computer]
♪ ♪
Beautiful.
[indistinct chatter]
Beautiful.
[indistinct chatter]
Beautiful.
Peek-a-boo.
Aw, beautiful. Beautiful.
Beautiful. Beautiful.
Bea-u-ti-ful.
[laughing]
"You look so nice today."
[ominous electronic music]
"Nice to see you!"
♪ ♪
Nah.
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
Beautiful.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Arrived. Fred is near.
Fred is near. Fred is near.
Excuse me. I think I have the wrong address.
I'm looking for Fred.
[spitting]
Fred is near.
Okay.
Fred is near.
Hey, Carrie.
Oh, hey.
Hey, you found it.
Yeah.I thought I had the wrong place.
No, this is it This is where I'm at.
I see you met Giuseppina.
Yeah.
That's her.
Wow.
Uh, Fredo, why you come outside?
I make-a the meatballs inside.
Uh, look who's here. This is my friend Carrie.
Hey.
[speaking foreign language]
She sweeps all the time. Like, uh...
It's a clean porch, yeah.
It's always clean, yeah.
You look really good.
I am so happy.
This company did a great job.
This whole arranged-marriage thing, perfect.
We spend every second together.
What did you do-- like, list your favorite cheeses and you were like, "Parmesan," or...?
No, because I did my usual thing.
Uh-huh.
I was like, "Hey, I like this.I like music and stuff."
Did you, like, arrive on a Vespa?
Like, I just don't know how this happened.
It's all them.I 'm just myself...
Yeah. Great. Well... and they just, you know--
Giuseppina's in my life, and...
Yeah.
Look how she watches over me.
I know, it's very--
I've never felt so protected.
What do you guys talk about?
Whatever.
Mm-hmm.
Movies, TV, music, all that stuff, you know.
Yeah.
She doesn't understand everything I say, usually, and, um-- so she'll sort of look up at God a lot.
Mm-hmm. How's the sex?
It's good. It's-- you know, she has, like, a single bed.
It's, like, low to the floor.
Mm-hmm.
And the floor is very hard, so are those metal coils.
Uh-huh.
And then, um, a lot of paintings of, like, Jesus and Mary and the hearts.
Oh.
Yeah.
Fredo, Fredo, come inside.
Nice to see you.
I'll see you real soon.
Giuseppina, I'm sorry.
Uh, let's do something tomorrow.
Okay.
[spits]
Wow.
Why are we outside?
You're my fiancée.
I just wanted to take you out on a date after church, you know?
Nice thing to do.
You want a different flavor?
This is not a gelato.
Here are some movies.
That one's more for, like, little kids, which actually might be nice fro a date.
I like-a the old movies! Where's the Giancarlo Rudolfo?
Giovanni Gentile? Giovanni Gentile?
Giovanni Gentile?
Tonight I'm not gonna be selfish, all right?
I love you. Let's do whatever you want to do.
Do you want to go home? Is that what it is?
[exhales deeply]
So what do you want to do? Do you want to go to bed or...?
Here we go.
[traditional Italian music playing]
Oh. This is what you like?
Mm, ah?
Oh, this is you.
Hey!
[chuckles]
I like this.
♪ ♪
Look how happy you are.
♪ ♪
[church bell tolling]
♪ ♪
I'm-a so happy.
♪ ♪
[sniffs]
♪ ♪
[spits]
Hello.
Hi.
Hi, uh, could we get two tickets, please?
Sure, that's $30 apiece.
Uh, that seems like a lot.
Yeah.
Should we just-- should we just see something at home?
It's not a bad idea, yeah.
It's a luxury theater.
Oh.
We specialize in the exotically familiar.
What does that mean exactly?
It's new, but the same.
It's better than a home experience.
Uh-huh.
Uh...
Do you want to try it? Yeah? Okay.
Hi. Welcome to the home movie theater.
I am Wayne.
And I'm Ursula.
The first thing we're gonna do is go over some of the amenities of the home movie theater experience.
That's right. So let's talk a little bit about the screen.
You'll notice it's smaller than usual.
We've dialed it in at the perfect 36 inches, If you'll look at the side tables, we've got something for you called a cinema wand.
Ooh.
Please reach for your cinema wands.
Now, with the cinema wand, you can make the decibels of the film go up or come down.
All of your cinema wands work, so they'll be working against each other.
[laser fire]
This is just a regular movie.
It's gonna be boring. That's why we have iPads for you.
So we got some iPads here for an extra fee.
As soon as you start using them, we're gonna start charging you.
And just-- as you're watching, just sort of lean like this.
Just keep it on the couch and kind of pretend to watch a little bit.
But then look down. Look at the news.
You could talk to each other.
Yeah.
We've also got, uh, wonderful, delicious Tillamook ice cream here, right over there in the freezer.
And every container is almost fully eaten.
We know no one wants to be that guy that eats right down to the last bite, but turns out, everyone was that guy.
So go ahead and get in there and also be that guy.
Wonderful.
Now, you're not gonna miss a second of this film 'cause the toilet is right there. and you can sit on it, leave the door open, and keep watching the movie.
You can also walk around.
We've got all kinds of thing-- reading material.
Got some mail over here, if you want to go through it.
Yeah. So tonight what we are showing is the second half of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."
It's been a long time since any of you have seen the movie since the beginning, and that's the way it's going to remain.
And there we go. Let's keep the lights on.
Whoo.
All right.
Enjoy your show.
Movies the way they were meant to be shown.
[cheers and applause]
Now, that was a great day off.
[camera shutter clicks]
Beautiful.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[people clamoring]
Quiet, please. Take your seats.
I hear you. Trust me.
I've listened to your voice mails.
I have read your emails.I know your concerns.
We're here tonight to figure out how to best address these issues.
W-we can't wait around while you figure out how to "best address these issues."
This is an emergency.
For God's sake, woman, our children have no grit.
My child is soft.
Can't even watch a TV commercial without tearing up.
I'm sorry, and I have read the article about the importance of grit.
Then you should know that when children are raised with too much support and self-esteem, they're sometimes unable to deal with the harsh realities of life, causing them to fail in adulthood.
Some of the faculty and I have been talking about rectifying the situation.
I would like to present to you...
Operation Safe Bully.
[parents oh]
This brings it back to what we believe in.
God, g*ns, grades, grads, and grit.
all: Yeah.
I like that.
Hi, Bob. Morning.
Morning, students.
I just wanted to introduce you to a new schoolmate.
This is Chip Pinsky.
Hi, everybody.
Now, you'll probably see Chip in the hallways, and I just want to assure you that your parents and teachers know that he is here.
Have a wonderful day.
Watch your step!
[laughs menacingly]
[school bell ringing]
Look who it is.[ chuckles menacingly]
Where you going? Oh, think fast!
[chuckles]
Oh, my gosh.
What was-- what happened? What-- what's his name?
Schuler.
Schuler.
Will you please get the school nurse?
Uh-huh.
Schuler.
Schuler, can you hear me, buddy?
Did you pass out? You okay there?
Okay, just breathe.
What are you looking at?
All right, just-- just stay there.
Hey, you're lucky!
[toilet flushes]
Fork over your lunch money, four eyes.
I don't have any.I already ate.
What about you, four eyes?
What am I gonna eat?
You gonna be hungry?
Yes.
All right.
You like peanut butter and wheat bread?
Are you allergic to wheat?
And you want some milk?
Sure.
There you go.[ chuckles]
Thanks for the lunch money.
You okay, Aiden?
You want me to go get Miss Bell?
No. I think I'll be okay.
I'll-- I'll be okay.
[rock music]
Dropped your books.
Hey, jerk!
Jerk?
Uh...
Somebody called me a jerk.
I guess somebody wants to get shoved.
No, no, no, please don't.I -I'd really rather not.
It's not as bad as you think. Here, hang out there.
So the easiest way to get shoved is, there's-- this is-- this is padding, so it takes the impact of it.
And the best way to do it is just hold on to my wrist.
Okay.
So, if you--
Hit the impact with the other hand, and it sounds louder than it really is, all right?
So just go ahead and fall down.
There you go. Yeah!
See that? Who's next?
Hey, you got some books to read down there.
[chuckles]
You okay?
You know, I-I-I think I am.
[Chip chuckles goofily]T hat's a stupid sandwich.
Carrots? Ha ha. What's that? An apple?
Well, your face looks like an apple.
Chip! We need to talk.
You've only been here three days, and no one likes you.
And you're just a big bully.
And you're not even good at that.
all: Yeah!
And you know what?I 'm gonna tell Mr. Crandall that you made Stella cry yesterday in the gym.
all: Yeah!
And you know what they're gonna do after that?
What?
They're gonna call your parents, and they're gonna put you on medication.
all: - Yeah!
Yeah, on medication!
all: Get him out! Get him out!
Get him out! Get him out!
Well, whatever that plan was, it needs to end now.
I mean, my daughter won't wear her bicycle helmet, and she keeps talking about taking something called Krav Maga.
I told my son he needed to start thinking about what his college major will be, and he got me in a headlock and tried to give me a swirly.
You have to do something right away.
Now they're too gritty.
I agree.
With that in mind...
Operation Refragilization.
The plan is two words-- musical theater.
From grit to "Grease."
We're holding auditions on Friday.
Oh, yay! Fabulous.
Giuseppina, I made meat-balls for us, exactly like you like it-[ b]-a[/b]: little red pepper in there.
Fred...
I have to break it off.
I'm sorry.
I-- You're breaking up with me?
I don't understand.I got baptized for you.
I go back to the old country.
This was a summer fling.
A summer fling? That's what I am to you?
I just--Y ou really seemed happy.
You were dancing and everything.
I was happy, happy for you.
You were born again, in the light of Christ-a.
Oh, I know.
You're breaking-a my heart.I make-a the meatball.
[whimpering]I t's beautiful. It's--
[smooches]
Giuseppina...
[somber music]
♪ ♪
I leave-a tomorrow.
Wait a minute. This is-- this is your house.
So how are you going back to the old country?
This--N o, this, uh, Airbnb.
Uh, we have to be out by 9:00 AM tomorrow morning-a.
9:00 in the morning?
Yes, yes.
Giuseppina, I-I moved all my stuff in.
It's European, uh...
Oh?
Go with life, and I knew at the end of summer-a, the Airbnb property would be done.
Well, this isn't Europe, and we have to plan. I-I--
That's why I'm old country.
It's beautiful, but it cannot last.
I still have to move out.
I mean, I have all my stuff here.
This is not my problem-a.
I'm sorry about your breakup.
I mean, I guess I shouldn't have been so presumptuous about it all, you know?
I feel like you should... be happy that it ended, in some ways.
I--H ow do you mean?
I just mean you can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same way.
I-I guess that might be true.
Your friend's right, you know?
I'm sorry?
I don't mean to eavesdrop, but your friend is right.
You can't derive happiness from other people.
It has to come from in here.
Yeah, but look at that couple over there.
Look how happy they are. They're just perfectly matched.
Fred, don't force it. When it comes, it'll come.
But in the moment, it felt exactly right.
That was then.
And she can't take that away from you.
Love isn't planned. You can't-- you can't conquer it.
But one of these days, the right person will come into your life.
Because of her, you play the mandolin now.
That's actually true.
I never would have done it otherwise.
[playing mandolin]
Nice. Nice.
Scusa.
Uh, you play very nice, uh, Italian music.
Oh, thank you very much.
We are from Italy, yeah.
No way.
Si, si, si, si.
And do you know, mm, "Tarantella Napoletana"?
[humming "Tarantella Napoletana"]
[playing "Tarantella Napoletana"]
Oh, bravo, bravo.
♪ ♪
[camera shutter clicks]
Beautiful Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Ohh. Oh, you're beautiful.