01x01 - My So-Called Wife

[bunniefuu]

[romantic classical music]

[pounding at door]

Go away.

I'm k*lling myself.

Open up!

[pounding continues]

FBI! Open up!

♪ ♪
♪ At last ♪

[giggles]

♪ ♪
♪ My love has come along ♪
♪ ♪
♪ My lonely days ♪
♪ Are over ♪
♪ ♪
♪ And life is like a song ♪

[with French accent] So tell me, my sweet...

Mm-hmm?

My 28th day anniversary present?

Mm-hmm?

It symbolizes what, exactly?

Well, um, in the Kabbalah, the number 28 is the symbol of the wanderer, who, after many years in the dating desert, finally stops his wandering.

And so we give a gift associated with the foot...

[laughs]

Finally at rest.

Oh, you're so full of the bullshit.

Oh, my God, what am I going to do with you?

Exactly what you've been doing until death do us part.

I love it.

Diamond.

I just remembered I have another surprise.

It arrived at the office today.

Aw.

Okay.

There you go. Okay.

May Adonai bless your lives together, your yichud.

And by the power invested in me by the State of Indiana...

We look happy.

I now pronounce you husband and wife...

You looked so beautiful.

Till death do you part.

Thank you.

Mazel tov!

♪ Dream a little dream of me ♪

Wow, you make me look like a good dancer.

No, you are a good dancer.

Yeah, come on.

Wow. Oh, no.

[both laugh]

Oh, my God!

I can't believe how drink your brother was.

Drunk. Not drink.

Oh, my God.

And your father...

Yeah.

Looks jealous, huh?

[gasps] Busted.

[both laugh]

Mr. Ellis has skills.

Oh, my God, I got your Aunt Katherine to smile.

Oh, you made her laugh. [laughs]

Ah, Mr. Ellis is checking her out.

Hey, you know what? We should set those two up.

What? I'm serious.

Okay.

♪ ♪

What are you doing? I can't see.

You don't need to see.

♪ ♪
♪ If you look in my eyes and say ♪
♪ You knew it all along ♪
♪ You knew it ♪
♪ All along ♪
♪ ♪

[siren wailing]

[sniffling]

Hey, what's the matter?

[tearfully] It happened so quick.

He was...

It's Mr. Ellis.

Oh! Oh!

Unit Zero, we've got a 10-87 en route with package.

Be there in 15.

sh*t, man, you're way late. Did you talk to Dad?

What happened to Mr. Ellis?

He collapsed in the kitchen.

Almond milk everywhere.

Jesus, is he gonna make it?

Touch and go.

Hey, we get old. We die.

Listen, I asked Gaby to grab the accounting department roster.

Come on; I don't have much time.

If Mr. Ellis croaks, I'd rather hire within than pay some headhunter.

Do not give me your sensitive face, Ezra.

Come on. You're running HR now.

Deal with it, huh?

Gaby, get over here!

So tell me, what's today's anniversary gift?

Scented candles? Fondue set?

His-and-her vibrators, buddy?

Hey.

All right, kiddies.

I'm outie. Pebble Beach is calling my name.

Ezra, text me on Mr. Ellis.

Gaby, do not seduce my brother.

He's married and already punching way above his weight.

Okay, bye.

Poor Mr. Ellis. He's such a nice guy.

I know. He's a total charmer.

Do you know if he's married or has kids or...

I don't know.

Wow.

So how did the anklet go over?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Oh, wow. [laughs]

Okay, I guess it went well, then.

Um, well, the ownership paperwork came through, so you're all set for present number 29.

Just come by my desk whenever you want them.

Perfect. Thanks, Gaby.

You know I'd be lost without you.

You're welcome.

Ezra!

Stop flirting, and get your skinny ass in my office now.

Arthur, could you turn off your intercom, please, and talk like a human?

We've had enough drama around here for one morning.

Good morning, Mom.

Good morning, beautiful boy.

[phone chimes]

Oh, no.

63 years old, drops dead making a latte.

sh*t!

When I go, I hope it's laying on top of your mother.

Jesus, Dad.

Jesus, Arthur.

Whatever. I'm not going out making a fricking latte.

I'm sure you'll have a very masculine death.

Don't you patronize me.

I can still kick your ass.

You want to wrestle?

Not particularly.

[sighs]

Did you hire a new head of accounting?

I found out he d*ed two minutes ago.

That's why I had Josh tell you to have it lined up.

It's called thinking ahead.

I'll take care of it.

[sighs]

You and Ava seem pretty happy.

Don't screw it up.

Doing my best.

Hope your wife likes surprises.

My mom's boyfriend got her a ferret for her last birthday.

That was a shitshow, man.

Ava's gonna love this girl.

Ah, it says your card's no good.

Really?

"Declined."

Okay.

Here. Try this one.

Here you go.

Yeah, it says this one's no good either.

I... that's not possible.

Come back tomorrow, I guess?

No, we... we have to make this work.

I'm...

I'm closing in ten minutes.

It's our 29th day wedding anniversary.

I don't think that's a thing, man.

I didn't take

$30,000 of cash out on my credit card, okay?

I mean, if I had, I wouldn't need to use my card right now.

Hey, I'm closing in five.

You know what? Never mind.

[dogs barking]

Uh, is there an ATM around here?

End of the block, next to the Fashion Gal.

Could you just hold on for five minutes?

I'll be... I'll be right back.

I guess.

Thanks.

Be back for you in a minute, all right?

[dog barks]

God!

What the fu...

Call Ava.

[phone line rings]

[tone plays]

We're sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.

Slow down!

Ava?

Ava, honey?

Ava.

911. Please state the nature of your emergency.

Yeah, I... I think we've been robbed.

My wife's car is here, but she's...

I'm worried she's been kidnapped or...

Are you in danger?

Are you safe?

Hello? Sir?

Hi, Ez.

You must be very confused.

The credit cards, the checking account, the cash.

It's a shock.

There is no easy way to say it, but here it is.

You will never see me again.

The sooner you accept it, the better it is for everyone.

Ezra, you will ask yourself many questions in the days ahead.

You will replay every moment we shared together, think about every person we met along the way.

You will begin to doubt everyone and everything you know.

You will even begin to doubt yourself.

It's only normal.

What will you tell your friends and family?

All anyone needs to know is this: we rushed into marriage hardly knowing each other.

No.

Cultural differences, language barriers.

And people will accept this.

But you will still want to find me, to punish me.

Ezra, I want you to stand up now and go and open the freezer door.

Now, listen to me very carefully.

If you ever go to the police and try to find me, know this: one, you will fail.

You will never find me.

Two, everyone in your family, everyone in the world will know what's inside that folder.

Don't put yourself through that.

Don't put your lovely mother through it.

Just leave it be.

Okay, this is the hardest part, saying good-bye.

Ezra, you must move on with your life.

[sighs] You are a good man with a great heart.

If you weren't, this probably wouldn't have happened to you.

And you will find love again.

I know it.

[sighs]

Good-bye, Ezra Bloom.

Salut.

I wish you luck.

I wish you happiness.

Au revoir.

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

Call Aunt Katherine.

♪ ♪

[line trills]

[tone plays]

We're sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.

[screaming]

♪ ♪

[with American accent] I'm booked on the 1:00 flight to Chicago.

Sure. Name and photo ID, please.

Maddie Jonson. No "h" in "Jonson."

Are you a Madeline or a Madison?

Just Maddie.

Thank you.

♪♪

Whoa. Good lookin' lady.

Yeah.

Sure like to go where she's goin'.

I'll say.

Careful. Those are expensive.

♪ I know I'm not strong enough ♪
♪ To walk away on my own ♪
♪ Set me free ♪
♪ If you feel any love at all ♪
♪ Then baby let go of me ♪
♪ Let me go go go ♪

Hi, there.

Hey, do you mind if I sit down?

So where are we headed today?

Into the world on a big jet plane.

All right.

Excuse me; can I get a beer and another whatever she's got there?

I haven't decided if I'm having another yet.

Humor me.

Are you humorous?

Actually, yeah, I am.

People find me humorous.

I'm actually meeting a bunch of old college buddies in Pebble Beach.

I could use some female attention before the bro-fest.

How did I get to be the lucky girl?

Come on; you know you're gorgeous.

A woman likes to be told.

You're gorgeous.

Thank you.

But seriously, you're gorgeous.

Okay, this is weird.

You look like someone I know.

Oh, boy, here we go.

No, no, I mean, it's...

I got to say, it's absolutely crazy, but...

And you can not be more different, but you really look like my sister-in-law, my brother's wife.

Right, so you're saying you'd like to have sex with your brother's wife?

Uh, whoa, nope.I never said I wanted...

So you don't want to have sex with me?

I never said that either.

You're not really saying much at all, are you?

Mm-mm.

Want me to help you?

Please.

Okay.

Come here.

Say this to me: "We are just two strangers in a bar."

We are just two strangers in a bar.

"We're never gonna see each other again."

We are never gonna see each other again.

"You know, I've always wanted to take a woman to an airport hotel."

You know, I've always wanted to take a woman to an airport hotel.

"I've always wanted to have sex with my brother's wife."

Uh...

Say it.

I've always wanted to have sex with my brother's wife.

"And I want you."

"Let's go across the street right now."

I want you.

Let's go across the street right now.

Can't.

Sorry.

What?

Yeah, I got to jet, as they say.

But really nice meeting you, uh...

Jo... Josh. My name's Josh.

Bye, Josh.

Wait.

I... I didn't get your name.

No, you didn't.

Holy sh*t.

Hey, wait!

Oh!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Ava!

Hey, Ava!

♪ ♪

Hey!

Excuse me.

You... Ava! Ava!

♪ ♪

Oh! Ow!

Ah! What are you doing?

Ava! Ava!

Get off of me, man!

Ah! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Ow!

Can somebody help us, please?

Ah!

Ow!

Miss, excuse me.

Could you just, uh...

Yeah, of course.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Might want to fix your makeup there, sweetheart.

God damn it.

Looking pretty good for a dead man, Mr. Ellis.

Hardy-har-har.

Thanks for the save back there.

Yeah.

What the hell were you doing with Josh Bloom?

Improvising.

Why the hell didn't you know he was traveling today?

Don't change the subject.

You have to take it as close to the flame as possible, don't you?

And with you, that is always too g*dd*mn close.

Really? Did you have to break his nose?

Yeah, well...

I always hated that little sh*t.

So... how much did we get?

[laidback music]

♪ ♪

Do you understand that this is a criminal act?

Yeah, I do understand.

You understand a criminal has been involved in our lives for the last year and a half?

I understand.

Just get his ass in here.

Get in here.

How you doing, kiddo?

Oh, sweetie.

I am so, so sorry.

What happened?

Did you two have a fight?

No.

Well, what? She just left?

She didn't say anything?

Just something about cultural differences.

I really liked her, Ez.

And you know me; that's saying a lot.

But I did always feel there was something about her...

Unspoken, unknowable, I don't know what.

I really don't want to talk about it, Mom.

Hearts break, Ez.

And then they eventually heal.

Trust me on that.

Ezra, get your ass in here now!

God damn it, Arthur, take it down a notch!

Do you want me to go in there with you?

No, thanks, Mom.

I'll be fine.

She took all your cash.

She took cash maximums on all your credit cards, including the company card.

Yep.

I talked to Ellie Singer at National Mutual.

Do you know she took out a second mortgage on your house?

850 grand? Do you know that?

Yep.

She even cashed the bar mitzvah bonds Bubbie and Zadie gave you.

All 78 bucks?

[yelling] It's that the point?

Is it?

Nope.

I swear to God, Ezra, say something besides "yep" or "nope," or so help me...

What happened to your face?

Tell him.

I saw Ava at the airport, dressed as somebody else.

Did you talk to her?

No.

I was following her, but then she got lost in the crowd.

Good job, Nancy Drew.

Yeah, well, you know what?

The truth is, I was att*cked.

She att*cked you?

No!

This old man came out...

Oh, you were att*cked by an old man.

Shut up, both of you.

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna find her, we're gonna get your money back, and we're gonna crucify that French bitch.

She's Belgian!

I don't give a fu...

Here's what we're actually gonna do: nothing.

We're not gonna do a g*dd*mn thing except let her go.

You're delusional if...

What are you talking about?

You think that that's...

Dad, what is that?

Josh, leave us alone, please.

Dad, I don't...

Get out.

[scoffs] All right, fine.

Where'd you get this?

Ava left it in the freezer.

Oh, God.

We're gonna find her.

Nobody has to know.

Know what?

That you've been cheating on Mom for 20 years with a woman named... What is it? Chanterelle?

I mean, what it that, a mushroom?

Don't you talk to me like that.

Or that you stole the patent for the Bloom heel from Uncle Joe?

Which part does nobody have to know?

Because according to Ava, if we try and find her, all of it comes out.

You know, if she thinks she can intimidate me with this bullshit letter, try.

Bring it on!

Really?

Okay, let's do that.

Hey, Mom, can I come talk to you for a second?

Of course, sweetheart.

Please don't.

Please.

Maybe you and my so-called wife have more in common than we thought, huh?

Liar.

Cheat.

Fraud.

You can't talk to me like that.

Yeah, I can.

Tell Mom I'm sick to my stomach and I went home.

What are you gonna do, Ezra?

I have no idea.

But I'm not working here anymore.

I quit.

♪ Fools in love ♪

[children laughing]

♪ Are there any other kinds ♪
♪ Of lovers? ♪
♪ ♪

Oh! No, don't... no.

♪ Fools in love ♪
♪ ♪

Let me guess.

Sometimes you don't pay for your lunch.

Or maybe you steal the occasional candy bar or newspaper.

You're a closet rebel.

♪ ♪

[pager beeping]

Oh, that's my telepager.

I got to call the office.

♪ Everything you know now ♪
♪ Everything you do, you do it for your baby love ♪
♪ Your baby love ♪

[phone buzzing]

♪ Your baby love ♪

Hello.

We're on.

Already?

You have a problem with that?

No. No, it's fine.

Tuesday.

Tuesday. Got it.

I'm sending the location now.

Okay.

[phone buzzes]

[people cheering]

[music playing]

[knocking]

Ezra! Hey!

It's me.

How are you?

That was a dumb question. Sorry.

I... I brought you some groceries and a plant.

I don't know. It... do you...

Oh, should I meet you over here? Okay.

Hey.

Perfect timing.

I brought some groceries.

Great. Come in.

Oh, you want to leave them here?

Come on.

Oh, wow. Oh...

Check this out. Hmm?

What?

How weird is that?

What's weird?

Is that the interaction of two people who don't know each other?

Ava gone, and Katherine gone.

And Mr. Ellis is dead.

Or is he?

No, he's dead. He had a heart att*ck.

Oh, did anybody see a death certificate?

I don't know.

Nothing is as it seems. Nothing.

I mean, what if Aunt Katherine's really married to Mr. Ellis?

What?

And they were controlling Ava somehow.

And Mr. Ellis stole the information on the company and Dad...

What kind of information?

Oh, I... I don't know.

Come on; why else would she do it?

I mean, why would she leave?

Money? We had money.

You know, my wife is gone!

She's gone.

I'm sorry, Ez.

I feel like sometimes people just fall out of love.

You know?

And they do dramatic things, especially Europeans.

Listen, why don't I clean this place up a little bit for you?

Or, you know, I could just call the hazmat team in to do it.

Look, I think that you just need to get in the shower and get out of here for a few hours.

So what do you say we just go to dinner and get a bottle of wine, have a good cry, just us girls?

Come on. Get in the shower.

Hey, you know, I think Josh...

Shower.

All right.

Ew. So gross.

[jazz music playing]

Ezra, this restaurant you brought us to, is this the same French restaurant that Ava used to work at?

I'm sorry.

No, it's okay. It's okay.

Maybe it's like... It's like a boil, you know.

You got to just bring it to the head and pop it and get all that Ava pus out of there.

I'm sorry. That was kind of gross.

Why don't you just tell me about the first night you guys met?

Like, who were you with?

No one.

I used to come here by myself, bring a book, and, for a few hours, imagine I was finally living in Paris.

You wanted to live in Paris?

Oh, yeah, I...

I always thought that after college, I'd travel through Europe, end up in Paris, and be a writer.

You know, standard fantasy fare.

No, I think that's amazing.

Did you ever go?

No, I, um...

I was working for my folks to save up some travel money when Josh crashed his stupid car.

So I stayed on to help for a couple of months, which turned into a couple years, which lasted forever.

Until I met Ava.

And then she kind of became Paris for me.

D-does that make sense?

Excusez-moi.

I'm sorry to interrupt your reverie.

My reverie?

No, no, that's all right.

Mon Dieu, I think you are staring at me.

Sorry, I...

May I bring you some wine?

Wine? Yeah.

Sorry, I usually order the, um...

Maybe...

Why don't I choose one for you?

That would be amazing. Thank you.

Okay.

Now you're staring at me.

You have a very kind face.

[French music playing]

That's actually the first thing that I thought when I met you too.

The kind face.

So did you ask her out that night, or...

Oh, yeah, right.

I... I came back four nights in a row.

[laughs] No.

Yeah.

It became kind of a joke when I'd arrive every night at the same table.

♪ ♪

Pathetic.

I'm sorry. I'm just so...

No, it's okay.

No, it's not!

Screw Ava, and screw Paris too.

I... I'm such a fool.

I've wasted my life thinking about when I'd get to Paris or when I quit my job or when I marry Ava.

It's pathetic!

I have an idea.

What if we just get totally hammered?

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah, I see.

Yeah, let's get really, really hammered.

What are we waiting for? Cheers.

[laughs] Okay.

They don't care.

They don't even know they brought it.

It's not even raining outside.

Hey. Come here.

[sultry music]

♪ ♪

[laughs]

What? What's the matter?

Is this okay? Am I... is this good?

No, yeah. No, no, it's not you.

Are you sure?

Ye...

What is it?

Nothing. It's like...

You can tell me.

No, it's...

Is it really kinky? Is it weird?

You can tell me. What is it?

You know, maybe if you, you know, talk with an accent.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

I mean, oui.

Oui, baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We like zat.

You are so strong.

Yeah, that's good.

And you make me feel so short.

Ooh, actually, that's a bit too French.

The Belgian accent's softer.

Okay.

Breathier.

Okay.

Did you see "In Bruges"?

Uh, no, but I got this, yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

[with accent] I have been wanting you.

Now talk a little dirty.

Just do it with the accent.

Okay, um, I've... I want you to take me in ze butt.

What? No, she wasn't into that.

I'm not into that.

Neither am I.

I'm not into that.I was just saying that...

I thought you... I was just trying to...

Oh, my God, Jesus.

No, I'm sorry. No, I know.

Oh, my God.

Um...

Hey, d-do you want to keep going?

Do you want to... make love to me?

Hey, hey...

[door closes]

Sorry. Am I late?

Always, darling. Part of your charm.

Take a look at this.

1968 Faure Regent. It's a classic.

A present to myself from myself for dealing with the Blooms for six months.

Mm. Beautiful.

Very nice.

Uh, uh, uh. Thank you.

Now, where are we headed?

[light instrumental music]

♪ ♪

We're going to Seattle.

Nice.

Meet Gary Heller, managing director of the Pacific Bank & Trust.

It's the largest bank in the city.

His fiancée left him two years ago for a pool guy.

[laughs]

Oh, wow.

Real looker.

Let's see.

Okay, all right. Are you kidding me?

I'm supposed to fall in love with this guy?

Hey, don't sh**t the messenger, okay?

The Doctor picks 'em, and we take 'em down.

And our new names, oh.

Florence Burns.

Oh! I'm guessing that's me.

No, actually. It's me.

[laughs]

Jesus Christ.

Is he serious? "Florence"?

Why would the Doctor give me a name like that?

Maybe he's punishing you.

"Punishing."

We took the Blooms for a million four.

That's, like, what, one of our five top scores?

You know what?

He keeps giving us all these bad marks.

Then he gets to keep 70% of the money.

I mean, why don't we just pick our own mark this time?

You know that's not how it works. Come on.

I'm serious.

Screw the Doctor. Let's just go rogue.

You want us to end up in a g*dd*mn hole?

Do you?

Lighten up.

I was just kidding around.

All right, what's my name?

Saffron Keyes.

Sally, you're going to be Vivian Sternwood.

Very Raymond Chandler. I like it.

[whistles]

This guy has put away a shitload of savings.

You know, it says his housekeeper just quit, moved to Sacramento.

Maybe that's my play.

This guy would fall for a slug if it was wearing a dress and a push-up bra.

I'm gonna make this one fun for myself.

Okay.

See you in the game, guys.

See you in the game.

In the game.

And by the power invested in me by the State of Indiana, I now pronounce you husband and wife...

both: Till death do you part.

[stomps]

Mazel tov! You may kiss the bride.

♪ And everybody knows ♪
♪ Love is not enough ♪
♪ ♪

Screw it.

[plodding, upbeat music]

♪ They say she has... ♪y ♪

Please shut the oven door before selecting temperature.

Please shut the oven door before selecting temperature.

Please shut the oven door...

[crying loudly]

♪ ♪
♪ Now it's k*lling me ♪

Around and around and then into the hole.

♪ Baby, what you're leaving for ♪

♪ She said I'm leavin' for good ♪

♪ I should have ♪

[continues in German]

♪ She said she loved me ♪
♪ Then she went away ♪

[chair creaking]

[pounding at door]

♪ ♪

Go away.

I'm k*lling myself.

Open up!

[pounding continues]

FBI. Open up!

♪ ♪

Yes, sir?

FBI.

There's a problem with your wife.

May I come in? Thank you.

Hey, wait a minute.

What the hell's going on in here, buddy?

Huh?

Oh, I was... housework.

Are you Ezra Bloom?

I am, yes.

Married to Ava Bloom?

Well, uh... yeah.

You don't sound exactly sure.

Are we talking about this...

Yeah.

Ava Bloom?

Yeah, that's her.

Oh, my God, is she dead?

What? No, no.

I need to know exactly where she is.

Immediately.

She... she left me, okay?

All right? She's gone.

She took everything.

sh*t!

When did she leave?

A month ago.

Who the hell are you?

Federal Burrow of Investigation.

Did she leave a-a video, a kind of website video thing?

Did you say "Burrow"?

I need to see the video.

Let me see that badge again.

I need you to listen to me.

I need to see the video...

You're not FBI.

Where is she?

Let me see the video. You hear me?

Where is she?

I don't know.

Where is she?

Not my face!

Where is she? You know where she is!

Oh!

Oh! Where is she?

Calm down. I said calm...

Stop! Stop!

Stop it, man! Stop!

Stop.

Who are you?

I am her husband.

Yes, that's right, assh*le.

Just like you.

She is my wife.

We married the same woman, and she took us both.

That stupid bitch totally rui...

Don't call her that.

[laidback upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[clears throat]

Good afternoon.

Hi.

I'm here to inquire about the executive assistant job.

Call him back, and tell him exactly this.

I don't care if he has to wheel his hospital bed to his desk.

He is out of sick days!

He comes in today, or he never comes back!

That's him.

[chuckles]

Bet his bark is worse than his bite.

That's what the last two girls said.

Thank you.

[sighs]

You know, the messed-up thing is, I wasn't even lonely.

I mean, I was an all-county quarterback.

That's big-time.

And they put my name up on the car dealership, and I was set up, man.

Good money, good women.

Great women.

Then one day, this kind of hot older lady comes into the office looking for a lease on the new Terminus.

Dynamite little hybrid car.

Usually, I don't do test drives, but her niece was with her, and...

Wow, man.

So beautiful and smart and had all these awesome... words.

And she totally dug me.

Even though she was this super-cultured New Yorker chick...

New York?

You mean she wasn't from another country?

No, my friend, she was from another world.

Upper East Side Manhattan, Sarah friggin' Lawrence.

World-class.

So I put the aunt in that sweet little Terminus.

I took Alice out to dinner the next night.

And four months later, I married her.

My buddies said it was the best thing that ever happened to me, and, you know, it probably was... until it wasn't.

[clears throat]

Anyway, I just spiraled, man.

The whole freaking town knew.

I stopped going to the gym.

I stopped working out.

They took my name down off the dealership so fast, it made my head spin.

I tried to drown my sorrows in...

Booze and a lot of crying.

No, I'd just screw just about every housewife or waitress who ever slipped me her number.

Woke up one morning.

My junk's all b*at up.

I was like, "Come on, Richie.

This isn't you, man."

And I decided right then and there that I was gonna find Alice myself.

Okay, so...

Ava pretends to be this classy girl from New York City, and...

Stop. Ava doesn't exist, okay?

Alice probably doesn't exist either.

She's a con artist, and so is her aunt.

No, I see how it looks like that, but our... our marriage, the way we were with each other...

What? She completed you?

She made you feel whole?

Yeah, well, I could have been, like, a senator or a philanthropist or something with her on my arm.

Do you have a picture of... Alice?

And now she's out there, somewhere, probably working some new guy, looking like some new chick.

What do you know about facial recognition software?

Like "Mission: Impossible III"?

What? No.

Like iPhoto but, you know, much bigger.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm a PC guy.

Okay, um, how much money do you have?

I don't know. Maybe 300 bucks?

I have five.

And this watch and your watch?

Come on. Let's go.

What?

No, man, I love this watch.

Come on!

[sighs]

Hey.

I'm just gonna put these in the car.

Okay.

Be good.

Yup.

Oh, not right now.

Give me a bite.

No!

But I'm asking nicely.

Too bad.

I want a lick!

No.

Just a lick.

It's mine.

I keep thinking I want kids.

Mom, he hit me in the face!

Evan, that's it. No, you're done.

What?

The entire weekend.

It's mine!

Get in the g*dd*mn car.

What the...

I don't know.

I find that inspiring.

I'm sorry. Inspiring?

Oh, yeah, that little girl has potential.

If I were her mother, I'd give her a prize.

For being manipulative?

For taking care of herself.

Most girls take a long time to learn a trick like that.

Huh.

Well, that's not very feminist of you, but okay.

I don't agree at all.

And are you really talking to me about feminism?

We just met.

[chuckles]

You're right. You're right.

I'm sorry. My bad.

You're forgiven.

Good. Name's Patrick, by the way.

Saffron.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

[laughs]

Okay, I, uh, better get going.

I'm applying for a big job today.

Wish me luck.

Well, you don't seem like you need much luck, but... good luck.

Thank you.

No work for you today?

No, no, no work for me ever.

Well, at least until I figure out what I want to do next.

Problems of the idle rich, I guess.

Yeah, something like that.

All right. Take it easy.

All right, you too.

I can't believe you made me sell that.

That watch was good luck, man.

My high school girlfriend's mom gave it to me...

You want to find Ava or not?

Alice. Yes, duh.

Then it's a necessary sacrifice.

[sighs]

So the initial fee for the facial match is...

It's 1,000 American dollars.

Whoo! Yowza.

Will you throw in these binoculars for that?

Put that down.

How long do you think it'll take?

An hour, a day, a month.

Depends.

Leave me your number. I'll be in touch.

[machine whirring]

♪ Waking up, and the bed was made ♪
♪ ♪
♪ No one looked me in the eye ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The more I tried ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The more I cried ♪

[grunting]

Could you maybe just stop?

Need to stay in shape.

Need to stay strong while we wait.

♪ Say you love me ♪
♪ Say you love me ♪
♪ Let's just say you love me ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ah, ah-ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ Ah, ah ♪

[computer beeping]

I told you to get pasta and rice!

No, we need an ideal balance of carbs, protein, and fat.

Okay, this is a lean plant-based protein...

This is now all the food we have?

What, do you think we got a blender in the car?

Do you know how completely moronic this is?

Yo, I suggest you seriously watch your syntax with me, bro.

Okay, you know what?

I don't think this teamwork thing's gonna work.

Well, I was just gonna say I don't think this teamwork thing's gonna work.

Fine.

Fine.

Also, I think you're a major p*ssy.

Hello? Yeah, well, I think you're an actual idiot.

You're an actual p*ssy!

Really?

Wow.

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

Um, yeah, sure, I'll be right down.

Thanks.

Is that the guy from the spy shop?

Dude.

All right, let's get one thing straight.

Just 'cause you were right about that facial recognition thing doesn't make you, like, the boss or anything.

Please stop talking.

♪ Say you love me ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Say you love me ♪