08x13 - Ovary and Out

[bunniefuu]

[Crow caws]

Dad, I need your opinion on this.

I finally figured out why there are only three people in Font Club.

Because it's Font Club?

Exactly... It's a "Club," not an "Activity."

But I petitioned the school to grant Font Club "Activity" status, so now kids can get community-service credit if they join.

Now, let me walk you through the different fonts.

I suggest you close your eyes between each one as a palate cleanser.

How 'bout I close my eyes for all of 'em?

Now, the first font in contention is Caviar Dreams... clean, modern...

[Cellphone rings]

Frankie: See, normally, Mike would jump at the chance to escape Brick's droning with a phone call.

But this call was from Sue, who lately kept calling him wanting to chat.

And the only thing Mike hated more than droning was chatting.

Suddenly, I realized I was wearing two different socks.

[Laughs]

So, what's new with you?

Same.

Sue: And then I just think "Where do I fit in this world?"

'Cause some days, I feel like I'm special, but then I think, "Who am I to even think that I'm special?"

Doesn't everyone think they're special?

Do you thinkyou're special?

Nope.

[Cellphone rings]

Flamenco is a font top-five for me.

It's a bit randy, and I don't want to promise anything I can't deliver.

I need to talk to you about my ovaries.

Uh...

I'm going back in for more fonts.

I have to go in tomorrow.

The doctor wants me to do an ultrasound, remember?

Yeah, I remember.

You don't remember.

Yeah, I don't remember.

You know, I find talking to you less and less enjoyable.

Tell Sue... Why does she keep calling me?

She doesn't have anything to say.

She just wants to chat, and I hate chatting.

Well, she's not dating anyone right now.

You're kind of her boyfriend substitute.

Let's go back to talking about your ovaries.

Turns out, given the choice between feeding old people and meeting at Font Club, Font Club gave you the most bang for your community-service buck.

Hello, all.

Welcome to Font Club.

So, I thought it'd be a nice icebreaker to go around and have everybody say their favorite font.

Yeah.

Can you sign my community service?

[Sighs] Okay, I know some of you are just here for community-service credit, but if you'll give me a chance, I'll show you fonts can change your life.

You know what'd change my life? If you gave us all pillows.

'Cause you're putting me to sleep.

[Laughter]

Oh, that's funny?

Well, let's see how funny it is when you write a letter to the girl you love and you need to choose between Windsong and Herr von Muellerhoff, and you choose wrong and lose her forever.

Well, I wouldn't choose either of those.

I'd go with Pinyon Script, and I think you know why.

I do!

Who gave you a key?

I had one made. You can pay me back later.

I brought someone here to see you.

Hey, there, Suzy Q.

Oh, Sean! Aah!

What are you doing here?

Well, I had an interview at IU for med school.

I just thought I'd drop in and see my favorite Hecks.

Don't tell the rest of your family I said that.

I love all you guys.

Aww.

Well, sounds like you two have a lot to catch up on.

I'm gonna use your steam shower.

Do you have that conditioner I asked for?

I can't use what you'll use, 'cause I don't want my hair to look like... that.

Toast me a bagel in seven minutes.

[Sighs]

Well, I'm fine.

You sound great.

No, I am.

My ovaries are fine.

Unfortunately, they're like raisins.

And not the cute, plump California ones that dance and wear gloves.

They're like the hard, shriveled, sad, deformed ones in the Raisin Flakes we get from the Frugal Hoosier.

Well, this can't be a shock, Frankie.

I mean, you are 50...

I know what I am, thanks.

[Exhales sharply] You don't get it.

Because they don't shut men's factories downs.

They only shut women's factories down.

What factories?

This factory.

I mean, I liked knowing it was open.

Now it's all red-tagged and padlocked with bulldozers in the parking lot.

I feel like anything I say here is gonna be wrong, so... you want to just hug me?

Mike: Shut your eyes, Frankie.I got a surprise for you.

Hey, baby. I got you a baby.

I don't understand.

Nothing to understand... got you a baby.

What do you mean, you got me a baby?

It's Dierdre's. She's letting us borrow it.

I forgot to ask whether it's a boy or a girl, but I figure we'll find out eventually.

What? Why are we watching it?

Well, she was supposed to go out, but her mom had some fake dizzy spell, but she was all dressed up, so I felt bad.

She was wearing clunky jewelry.

I don't know what that is, but she made it seem like it's a big deal.

And you just offered to babysit?

Why do you sound angry?

Because I am angry!

You said you wanted a baby.

No, I didn't!

Yes, you did.

You were upset about your dried-out ovaries, and you wished you could have a baby, so...

[High-pitched] got you a baby!

I wished I could still have a baby if I wanted to, but I don't want to.

Take that baby back.

I can't take the baby back.

I promised Dierdre we'd watch it.

Damn it! I had plans tonight.

I was gonna watch "Outlander" and eat my frosting sandwich.

And have you forgotten how much work babies are, huh... all the crying and feeding them and diapering them?

I spent my entire 30s with my hands smelling like butt cream.

I would eat a cookie and think, "What's that weird smell?

Oh, yeah, butt cream."

[Baby coos]

[Singsong] Doo-dee, doo-dee, doo-dee, doo. [Sighs]

Fine. When are they getting home?

[Normal voice] Tomorrow.

Tomorrow?!

Her husband got her Brad Paisley tickets for their anniversary.

Now, that's a good present.

[Baby cries]

[Sighs]

And then I think "Where do I fit in this world?"

'Cause some days I feel like I'm special, but then I think, "Who am I to even think that I'm special?"

You know? Do you feel special?

Hmm.

You know, in my anatomy class, we read about this new study, and even in identical twins where all the genes are supposed to be exactly alike, there's this "X" factor that makes them different.

It's like snowflakes... no two people are exactly the same.

But even if I never read that, I'd know that you, Suzy Q, are a very special snowflake.

You know, it is so great to hear things from a guy's perspective.

My dad isn't much of a talker, you know?

And Axl isn't always very sensitive.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi! [Giggles]

Oh, sorry. Uh... Lexie, this is Sean Donahue.

Sean, this is my roommate Lexie.

Donahue... Wait. I know that name.

Your mom sends Sue those care packages.

Tell her her scones are amazing.

Yeah, yeah, she'll tell you it's the love, but it's really the five pounds of butter.

[Laughs]

Is my right hand bleeding, 'cause it feels like blood, but I can't really see.

You know, uh, Axl and I were gonna go grab some food later.

You should come.

I mean, you should both come.

Oh. Sounds great.

[Baby cries]

Come on, baby, look at the keys!

[Inhales sharply] Look at the keys!

[Sternly] Look at the keys.

[Door shuts]

Well, we got a great turnout at Font Club.

Unfortunately, most of the kids are just in it for the credit.

But there is this one guy, Gibson.

He's a savant.

He's a font savant. He's a safont!

Brick, you're on your own for dinner tonight.

I just got to raise my game.

I got too relaxed...

You know, a little sloppy, a little lazy.

So this is good.

It's like when a new sports star comes in and forces the established sports star to up his sport.

That's right! That's what I'm talking about.

[Laughs]

I'm gonna check out the new font websites, see what the kids are using these days.

Who's the bald guy?

It's the neighbors' baby.

Ah.

I knew it wasn't yours, 'cause of your shriveled ovaries.

The walls are very thin here, Mom.

[Crying continues]

Look at you.

Can't believe you've already been married and divorced.

Now you're dating your ex-wife?

You're such a playa.

Well, yeah, I'm a playa. Or it's just weird.

I don't know.

Yeah, how exactly does that work?

I don't know. We see each other when we can.

There's no real rules.I don't know what I'm doing.

Well, as long as you're happy.

Yeah, that's why we got divorced.

We were happy.

So, listen, uh... why didn't you tell me Sue had such a hot roommate?

I would've come down a lot sooner. [Chuckles]

Oh. I, uh...

I heard they have great onion rings.

Brick decided he needed to study fonts in their purest form... on the written page.

So he went to buy some paper.

And, for no apparent reason, a Flip Wilson DVD.

[Western music plays]

[Whip cracks]

[Whip cracks]

[Bird screeches]

[Wind gusts]

[Music fades]

Gibson.

Funny seeing you in aisle F, which is in the Bookman Old Style font.

Not surprised to see you here.

Mm.

Looking for something to put on that burn I laid on you this afternoon?

No one walks into my Font Club and shows me up.

Looks like someone just did.

[Sighs]

There's not room enough in Font Club for the both of us.

So let's settle this like men.

We pull boxes of the same feminine-hygiene product and call the font on the back.

I win... you're out of the club.

Open Sans!

Open Sans!

Graviola Soft!

Graviola Soft!

Guilder Free Italic.

[Melancholy western music plays]

...so I hope with five interviews at different med schools, at least one of them will like me.

With that smile?

I'm willing to bet at least two of them will like you.

Well, while you're interviewing for schools, I'll be interviewing for actual jobs where they give me money. [Laughs]

Good, you're gonna need it to pay my bill when I'm your doctor.

Well, you're gonna need to pay my bill when I'm your businessman.

So, I've been sitting here this whole time just looking at you and thinking you look like someone, and now I know who... Snow White.

You've been staring at me this whole dinner, and the best you can come up with is a cartoon character?

A very pretty cartoon character.

I was Belle for Halloween once!

[Awkward laughing]

[Thud]

Oops! You dropped your fork.

So, Sean? Are you guys like...?

What?! No!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He's like an older brother to me.

So you wouldn't mind if I...?

Pbht!

Sorry. I spit on you.

That is how strongly I wouldn't mind.

Of course not. You go for it, girl.

[Squeals]

[Giggles]

Look at this. My breadstick is a moustache.

Right?

So, Sean, which out of the five schools is your favorite?

Uh, well, I love Duke.

They've got a great Med-Peds program, and they have k*ller architecture.

Uh, sorry, I don't believe that they have the Gumford Gazebo.

It was built by Ezekiel Gumford in 1882.

And after the big flood, they rebuilt it, and now it's half-plastic.

Wow, that could really tip the scales.

I'll have to check that out.

Oh, well, I'm done.

Let's go.

I give tours to prospective students, so...

Or you can just go yourself.

Okay.

[Sighs]

Is it me, or was that weird?

Yes.

I mean, I love that Sean and Lexie went off together, 'cause they're both great.

Yeah, they're awesome.

And it's cool that Lexie was being so nice to Sean, 'cause he's got that squeaky-clean, successful med-school-student thing that most girls are not that into.

I just hope he wasn't put off by her, 'cause she was so obvious.

You order a salad in front of a guy, it's like, "Hello! Please marry me."

Uh, Sean was the obvious one.

"You're so pretty. You look like Snow White." Lame.

What about Lexie, showing off her Ezekiel Gumford knowledge?

I just thought Sean had game, but if that's his game, then damn.

But, hey, if Lexie liked it, then great.

That's great. They're both great.

And if they were a couple, they'd be twice as great.

Oh, duh!

My best friend and my neighbor who's like a brother to me... and nothing more... end up together?

What could be better than that?

I actually now hope it happens.

I'm gonna pray on it tonight.

Do you weirdly feel like you want to eat a lot of ice cream right now?

I weirdly do.

Yeah.

[Baby cries]

Oh, it's okay, little angel.

It's okay.

Let me try.

[Grunting]

Oh, I know.

♪ Indiana, our Indiana, Indiana, we're all for you ♪
♪ We will fight for Indiana and the glory of old IU ♪
♪ IU! ♪

[Crying stops]

[Quietly] Look at that. I love that... when they smile in their sleep, dreaming their little baby dreams.

[Quietly] Oh, my God.

You didn't get this baby for me.

You got it for you.

[Baby fusses]

What? No.I got it for you.

You just sniffed its head. You got it for you.

Oh, okay. So what if I did?

I don't know.

I was just thinking, the kids are growing up.

And Sue's been calling me, but today, she didn't call at all.

I thought you hate to chat.

Yeah.

[Sniffs]

I'm glad you're a girl. I wanted a girl.

[Baby coos]

Uh-huh. I'm just gonna ease her down.

[Baby coos]

[Baby cries]

[Sighs deeply]

[Clears throat]

Wow. You're still up.

Well, yeah.

So, how was it?

What'd you do? How'd it go?

Great.

We walked around campus, then we got coffee.

Mm!

He's kind of perfect.

Ahh! I'm so happy!

Look how happy I am!

It's just he's a lot like every other guy I've dated.

And I don't know if that's what I want right now.

Oh! Ohh. Ohh, yeah.

Oh, okay. Well, sure. Ohh.

I feel like I'm at a point where I need to date a bad boy.

Oh, yeah, I totally get that... like someone who drives with one hand.

I just want to be with a guy who doesn't have his life all figured out already, you know?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Hey, Doctor. How'd it go?

Did you write her a prescription for love?

[Laughs] Man, she's beautiful and smart.

I get it. She's smart. She's a smart girl.

But when did we as a society decide that that was important?

[Sighs] It's just that...

I don't know, about halfway through the night, I started thinking, "What am I doing?

I'm going to med school.

I can't get involved with anybody now."

Oh, that's too bad.

You guys would have been great together.

That sucks, man.

You guys would have been great together. Aw.

Do you feel like ice cream?I feel like ice cream.

Um... I think we might be out.

[Baby fusses]

Oh, my gosh.

Do you know where we are?

[Sighs] Hell?

[Scoffs]

We just drove past the doll hospital, and you're about to turn on Applewood.

[Scoffs]

Ah, it's "the route."

How many times did we take this drive to get the kids to stop crying when they were babies?

Must've been a lot, 'cause my body just drove us here automatically.

Axl was the worst, remember?

Mm.

Ugh!

[Baby cries, fusses]

We had to drive with him for hours... and listen to that "Sesame Street" cassette over and over.

But we had to skip that song with the Count.

Oh, yes! He was terrified of the Count!

Aww!

I always liked Oscar. The guy just liked trash...

[Chuckles] - ...and didn't want other people messing it.

Why's that make him a grouch?

[Sighs]

Listen.

She stopped.

Hmm?

Well, not for long.

We're about to hit that bump on Northaven.

Ohh. [Inhales sharply]

Huh.

Yeah, they must have paved it.

Hmm.

[Voice breaking] They paved the bump.

[Sobbing]

[Chuckles] Come on.

We just got that one to stop crying.

It's just one minute, you're driving around with your kids, listening to Elmo sing "I Don't Want To Live On The Moon," and the next minute, your doctor's telling you he can't find your ovaries.

And it was all just funny to him, but it's not funny.

That moment should be marked in some way.

No, I mean it.

I mean, everybody makes a big deal when you get married and have a baby, but nobody's having a ceremony for your shriveled ovaries.

You know what I mean?

Like when a player retires, and they hoist his jersey into the rafters.

Yes! Exactly.

They just...

They deserve more respect.

[Sniffles] You know?

I mean, they may not have been the flashiest ovaries, but they got the job done.

Hey, they gave us three great kids.

[Sobs]

Well, at any given time, two of the three of them were great... or at least good.

Hey, no one's in jail.

They deserve something, some sort of send-off for all their years of service.

They deserve more of an ending.

They deserve... a goodbye.

[Sniffles, sighs]

They had a good run.

[Chuckles]

I think Ernie sang "I Don't Want To Live On The Moon."

[Chuckles]

No.

Ernie? Was it Ernie?

I think it was.

What'd I say?

Elmo.

Elmo. [Laughs]

Yep, there's nothing like a car ride to put a baby to sleep.

And it works pretty well on old people, too.

Uh, hello?

Oh, hi. Yeah.

We were just all going out for a pancake breakfast.

It's 1:00 in the afternoon.

Sorry. [Clears throat]

It's been a while since we did this.

You know what? I don't even care.

I had the best night of my life.

Brad Paisley did three encores, I had six margaritas, Steve and I made out in the parking lot, and I threw up on the hood.

I felt 32 again!

Thank you, really.

Thank you.

All right.

I got to go get the other ones.

Aww.

She has four little kids.

You know what she doesn't have?

Time for pancakes.

Yes.

[Engine starts]

[TV playing]

[Cellphone rings]

[Cellphone beeps]

Hi, honey.

Hey, Dad. Is this a bad time?

No. Matter of fact, it's a good time.

[Exhales sharply]W ell, I've been thinking.

I think I need to put myself out there a little more.

Like, I don't know, there's this one guy that I like, but I think he might just see me as a friend.

Well, I don't know if you need boys to be anything more than friends... ever.

Ha ha.

Anyway, he drives this safety cart around school, and he's super nice.

Okay, well, I like safety.

Safety cart sound good.

Yeah. I know. Me, too.

And if you come...

[ Sue speaks indistinctly ]

[Indistinct conversations]

I need to make an announcement, and I'd like you by my side.

It depends on what you say.

I knew I could count on you.

[Indistinct conversations]

I have a brief statement...

[Conversations quiet]

...and then I'll take questions.

It's been an amazing nine weeks, but it's with a heavy heart that I must step down.

I have found another more worthy of the mantle.

And so, I leave Font Club in the hands of Gibson... something, or something Gibson.

I don't know if that's his first or last name.

God bless you all.

And God bless Font Club.

I will now take questions.

Do we still get credit?

No more questions.

Wait.

I can't be president.

I don't even go here.I 'm in eighth grade.

The only reason I'm here is 'cause my mom's the computer teacher, and she makes me walk over from the middle school so she can drive me home.

Never mind.

[Murmuring]

Come on, get in the car... Family breakfast.

Mom, I have to practice my squat jumps for volleyball.

Your what? Oh, good Lord.

If I did that, Anna-Kat wouldn't wouldn't be the only one peeing in the yard.

Get in the car.

Oh, and we have to stop by Office Depot.

I need to make some posters for the school's recycling drive... chairman. You can start by recycling that stupid blue bag from The New York Times that you leave next to the toilet every day.

Do I have to go? Yes!

I want a fun family outing. Now get in the car.

[Lock clicks] Mom, we talked about the sweat pants...

Westporters get dressed to go out in public.

We're not Westporters.

We are renters who live in Westport.

It is a small distinction, but I cling to it.

[Sternly] Now, get in the car.

Mama, I found this on the windshield.

A "concerned" neighbor thinks we should get the dent in our minivan fixed.

It's sullying the neighborhood.

And look at that... unsigned.

There's something very wrong with this place.

Coward!

♪

Anna-Kat, the weird-versus-cute ratio is getting way out of whack.

Don't talk to your sister like that.

She's always embarrassing me.

You should see how she walks down the hall at school.

♪

Hey, isn't that your sister?

Yeah. She's feral. We found her in the woods.

I don't care if she's setting the teachers' lounge on fire.

You're her brother, and you need to have her back.

Katie: Just in case...

I actually do care if you set the teachers' lounge on fire.

Mnh-mnh! No cellphones.

I have rights.

[Scoffs] Isn't that cute?

No, you don't.

Whoever told you that is not helping you.

I am in charge, and we are going to have a low-tech family breakfast like we used to do back home.

Westport is our home. We're not visiting.

You know, I saw on Facebook that everyone from our old cul-de-sac got together for the annual kickball game.

Carl made that punch in a trash can that he always brings.

What's that stuff called?

Trash Can Punch.

Yeah, that makes sense.

They didn't even think to invite us.

Because we don't live there anymore.

We still kind of live there.

In no way, shape, or form do we live there.

That's why I said "kind of."

I'm bored.

Okay, let's play a family game.I Spy. Who wants to go first?

I'd love to go first.

Oh!

I spy Alice coming in, and I spy you in sweat pants, so I spy me going over to her.

It's "I spy with my little eye"!

Oh! I spy with my little eye the girls from the volleyball team.

I Spy is really bringing this family together.

Why don't they want to eat with us?

You should be happy they're making friends.

Yeah, Westport friends.

Look at them... They're probably talking about their Christmas vacation in Turks and Caicos.

I am angry that I even know what Turks and Caicos is now.

And look at Taylor and her friends...

They are splitting a muffin four ways. Why?

Because this town muffin shames women, and it starts early.

I just wanted to do something as a family, and this town is getting in our way.

Can I have some cream?

Soy, almond, cashew, or lactose-free?

Mnh-mnh. Half-and-half.

Half almond, half soy?

No. Half milk, half fatter milk.

Oh, I'm sorry. We stopped carrying cream.

Nobody wants it, because it's very unhealthy for you.

No... This was not the day to say that.

I want cream and other normal stuff.

I object to gluten-free pancakes, turkey bacon, and almond soy milk!

I want real milk.

Why can't any of you in this town be normal and regular?

And why can't any of you drink cocktails out of a trash can like the rest of America?!

Huh?!

This might be why they don't want to eat with us.

♪

Well, that about wraps up the popular phase of our childhood.

The cream was my last straw.

Now I get why Fat Pam moved away.

I wonder what her last straw was.

Maybe she got her arm stuck in one of those tiny blouses that they sell on Main Street and couldn't get it out.

Then the seam split, she had to roll it up in a ball, hide it in her pants, and then throw it out in the ladies' room.

I'm worried about how specific that example was.

No bright-siding it... We just don't fit in, and I haven't liked it since the minute we got here.

♪

I love it! I have such a good feeling about this!

Hello!

Hi! I'm Katie.

Ah, nice to meet you. This is my husband, Greg.