01x14 - V-A-L-- VALENTINES D-A-- DAY

[bunniefuu]

Dinner out... This is new.

Oh, my darlings like to splurge once in a while.

Kids' menu, kids' menu, kids' menu.

Yeah, but this is for 12 and under.

Which they all are.

12, 10, 8.

Mommy, they didn't bring me crayons!

God, I love you.

You think you can pull off 12?

"CP don't"... If you want to say "cerebral palsy don't cr*ck," you say it.

[Laughs]

Maya.

[Gasps]

God, it's happening.

He's coming this way. Does he see us?

The management?

We're too old for these menus.

I knew I should've shaved before we came.

Tell me when it's over.

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

Hi, Maya.

Jimmy.

Hey, Ethan.

You look great from down here.

Oh, look at that.

We thought it'd be weird if we saw you again.

Who is this guy?

Uh, kids, Kenneth, Ethan used to be your father's roommate.

Until he stole my fiancée... who's sitting right there.

What?

Wha...?

I can't take it anymore!

I'm 14. I'm sorry!

Ray and Dylan: Tell us! Tell us! Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!

Dad, it's not enough pressure.

We need you to cover JJ.

Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!

Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!

Okay, okay, quickly.

I used to date Ethan, and then we got engaged, even though we weren't right for each other.

I mean, among other things, he always insisted that we were on time for everything.

Is he my real dad?

I always found myself having much more fun when I was hanging out at Ethan's apartment...

When I was there with his roommate, Jimmy.

One evening... it was Valentine's Day, as a matter of fact...

I took your mom out for a drink, professed my love to her, she admitted she felt the same way, and it was the happiest moment of my life.

And then Ethan showed up.

There were words, and a punch...

Quite a punch, as a matter of fact.

Ethan punched Dad?

No, no.

Ethan was the one who got punched.

"Who punched Ethan? Mom?"

Mom punched Ethan because he b*at up Dad?

I punched Ethan.

I can punch people, too.

Your dad socked him good.

Pow. Very hot.

v*olence is bad.

An illicit love?

Romantic fisticuffs?

Oh, my!

Don't talk like a British dowager, darling.

Then don't titillate me like her naughty niece.

Let me translate... You guys brang the heat.

Yeah. Where did it go?

Oi!

We are still brang-ing it.

You guys just don't see us that way because we're your parents.

Yeah, I don't think that's it.

I can picture Grandma and Grandpa.

"Yeah. Hot-cha."

I will have you know, we are still very hot-cha.

Hot-cha.

I'm sorry, are you seriously demonstrating the heat right now by holding hands?

Hotly.

Nobody tell Ethan.

He's gonna hit Dad again.

I hit him!

Candygram.

[Scoffs] You know you guys are already weird.

You don't need to lean into it.

"I'm Cupid."

And I'm Cupid's enforcer, 'cause love is sometimes dangerous.

JJ volunteered to deliver all the Valentine's Day candygrams for the school fundraiser.

Bad idea.

JJ can't be around all this candy.

Why? Is this a CP thing?

No, it's a "JJ's disgusting" thing.

He's an addict.

JJ, is this true?

[Snorts] I think we'll be fine.

Remember, you chose this.

I don't understand this whole candygram thing.

Nothing says romance like a cheap box of sugar.

Candygram.

Love is real!

Who would send Ray a candygram?

"Secret admirer."

Yeah, I'm not buying it.

I was once like you... Candygram-less.

It gets better.

Give me that list.

Hey.

Why do you like Ray DiMeo?

Who wouldn't like Ray DiMeo?

Look at him.

Oh.

Yeah, that's Ray DeBlasio.

Oh. I'm new here.

Um, who's Ray DiMeo?

[Chuckles]

Someone who's about to get messed with.

Hey, should we be worried that the kids don't see us as romantic?

I've been powering through.

[Sighs] Who cares what they think?

It's about what we think.

Okay, do we think we're as hot as we used to be?

Who cares what we think?

Jimmy!

It works.

We work.

It's deeper, richer.

Do you need me to tell you the divorce statistics for special-needs families?

If you want to get something going, you should.

Seven.

Oh, hey, guys.

Yeah, a lot of people get into relationships and it all goes to hell.

I want to keep it tight.

Kenneth: Oh, well, be careful, now.

Still want to look like the guy she fell in love with.

Good point. I'm gonna hit the showers.

Keep him away from my candy.

Dude, where's the trust?

Ooh, I got to go.

[Scoffs] I can leave you with this, right?

Yeah.

[Door creaks]

Jimmy, we've got to be careful.

If we take each other for granted, one day we're gonna wake up and we're gonna be roommates.

Dylan.

What?

I just need Dad to change the parental settings so I can create a fake account and catfish Ray.

Well, that's fine, but you can't just walk in here without knocking.

Is that fine?

Were you not at all concerned about what you might be walking into?

Like that Dad ripped one?

[Sighs] To be honest, I really was, but I can't be ruled by fear.

[Door closes]

See that... kids burst in, assuming nothing is happening.

Right... enough.

I'm done. I'm gonna fix this.

It's Valentine's Day coming.

We don't do Valentine's Day.

This year, we do.

It's the night that you declared your love for me and fought for me.

And this year, it's gonna be the night that we get our heat back.

All right. All right.

So you want to celebrate this bogus Hallmark holiday?

You know I do, baby.

What kind of presents you want?

You want thoughtful presents?

I want thoughtful presents that also manage to be somehow practical.

Yeah, and I want a card.

Yeah, you want a card.

I'm gonna get you one of those cards that plays a song when you open it up.

Go on.

Are we on?

Yeah, we're on.

Ugh, I don't want to see that.

Yeah, no, that's right. Spread the word.

Hey, Ray, I know you're waiting to hear from your secret admirer.

Maybe you should check your phone?

I would, but I'm on a digital diet.

Recent studies show that screen time before bed can affect...

Oh, my gosh. She texted you.

Give me.

Girl: Hi, Ray, it's your secret admirer.

Hi, secret admirer.

Thanks for the candies.

Who are you?

My name's Fiona. I go to Eastlake.

I saw you at the basketball game.

Do you have a girlfriend?

I'm currently between girlfriends.

I've received a number of candygrams, but yours really stood out.

So, what do you look like?

A lot of people tell me I look like Emma Watson but trashier.

[Quietly] Yes, yes, yes.

Would you like to be exclusive forever, starting now?

Oh, Ray, I thought you'd never ask.

Can we meet soon?

I would invite you to my school's Valentine's dance, but I've been banned because my dancing is too passionate.

Then I insist you join me at my school's Valentine's Day dance.

It's a date.

Do you have any requests for when I meet you?

You're perfect just the way you are.

Any for me?

Thanks for asking.

Please wear platform heels, a cape, those baggy half-pants old-timey directors wear...

Dylan, do we have any jodhpurs?

Good morning, my love.

What?

Uh, did I miss something?

Is it already Valentine's Day?

This is just a preview.

Oh.

My actual gift is way better.

Oh, so, you... you've already planned something, have you?

Like I have.

This was a great idea.

I-I can't wait to see what you have in store.

Oh, and each one has a reason I love you written on it.

Each what?

Aw, this was a bad idea.

I've got nothing.

There aren't this many reasons to love me!

Is it possible there's no correct angle for an adult man to wear a halo?

♪

Kenneth: What did you...

"Don't look at me."

Maya: Oh, Jimmy.

I am so screwed.

Dylan: Saw his video, huh?

Yeah.

If you didn't marry Dad, I would.

[Keyboard clacks, music stops]

I have no idea what to do for him.

Nothing could be as good as this.

Well, us DiMeo men are gifted in matters of the heart.

[Chuckles]

Aw, darling, I needed that. Thank you.

You know, I might be able to help you figure something out.

Think back to when you and Dad first got together.

Dylan: Yeah, what about the night you two declared your love for each other?

That sounded pretty romantic.

That is a brilliant idea.

I could re-create the night.

Perfect. Where did it happen?

Some bar. Your dad knows.

What kind of music was playing?

I don't know. Dad's the music guy.

You really don't remember any of it?

You are really bad at this.

I know!

Oh, my God, and you're dad's amazing.

You know, there might be one person that can help re-create that night.

Who?

Oh.

You want me to help you? Really?

Well, I know it's a bit uncomfortable.

Yeah.

Look, don't think of it so much as helping...

Uh, more of a chance to be a know-it-all.

You are still a know-it-all, aren't you?

Yeah, I kind of am, yeah.

Now, the night that you found...

Jimmy and me together...

It was in a bar, wasn't it?

It wasn't our first of the night... it's a bit fuzzy.

I don't care.

Might you remember the name?

You do realize that the most romantic night of your life happens also to be the most humiliating night of mine?

Awfully long name for a bar.

[Chuckles] No?

You ever dodge a b*llet and then have coffee with it 18 years later?

All right, moving on, moving on.

There was a song playing.

There was.

Do you remember what it was?

I do.

Are you gonna tell me?

Depends.

On?

On whether or not you dumped me 18 years ago.

Ohh.

Ooh.

You still have feelings for me.

[Laughs]

That's absurd.

I'm happily married, so...

Ooh, sorry I'm late, hon.

Oh. Hi.

[Smooch]

Traffic.

What?

What?

What?

That's your wife?

Yes.

With the curly hair and the being late?

[Imitating Allison] "Traffic."

[Groans] Bloody hell.

Mm!

Very sad, actually.

I'm allowed to have a type.

How could you do this, JJ?

"I had a weak moment."

Dude, you ate 17 boxes of chocolate in that closet.

How'd you even open up the boxes?

"I see the chocolate, I wake up, I don't see the choc..."

Okay, well, you know, these weren't just chocolates.

These were tokens of love people trusted us with.

What are you gonna do about it?

"Don't know. Can't think.

Need more chocolate."

No more chocolate!

What are you doing?

Fiona wants to do a belly dance at the school dance, so I'm loosening up my hips.

They're supposed to tell a story.

It's a fascinating art form.

[Water running]

I'm on dishes tonight.

I'm doing them for you.

Why?

Just spreading the love.

My heart's so full of it these days, why not pay it forward?

But you... you haven't even met her yet.

I know.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but guess what?

They are up, baby.

Or as my hips would say...

Oh, you're kidding me.

"Wine enters, blah, blah, blah.

I look at you, I sigh. Yeats."

Oh, come on, wine! We're friends!

Come on.

It's Valentine's Day, it's not that hard.

All I wanted to do was to bring us closer.

And now we're gonna have to celebrate this stupid bloody holiday.

And Jimmy is gonna end up feeling neglected and unloved.

Ugh, sod it, there's only one thing left for me to do.

Come clean and hope he understands.

No.

I got to blow up Valentine's Day.

Dr. Miller. Um, I need your help.

I got all worked up about Valentine's Day...

Made a big stink for absolutely no reason.

You do do that.

Anyway, my plan didn't happen, and now I have to pull a fire alarm on the whole holiday.

You have to be my excuse.

Okay.

But a time will come when I will want a favor from you in exchange.

Mm, really?

Nice power play, Dr. Miller.

Very well-done. Very proud of you, actually.

Oh, that's favor enough.

Call it even. [Chuckles]

Okay, man, here's the plan.

You're gonna replace the candygrams you ate with candygrams you receive.

So get out there and charm 17 people into sending you candygrams.

Got it?

JJ likes your jeans.

JJ likes your hair.

[Louder] JJ likes your hair!

Now, who's this candygram go to... JJ?

JJ. JJ.

Free cart rides, except you got to buy a candygram.

You're gonna buy a candygram for JJ?

Now, who's this candygram going to?

JJ? JJ.

JJ, you have so many sweethearts.

Give me that.

Give me that.

Hey, what are you doing?

Stop it!

"It's very sweet you're helping me."

All right, man.

I'll buy you one.

[Cellphone vibrates]

Fiona: Hi, Ray. Can you give me some advice?

No.

Just kidding. Yes.

I should've told you this...

I'm still technically with my boyfriend, even though I only have feelings for you.

Wow.

I'm the other man.

Like father, like son.

What's the best way to break up with my boyfriend so I don't hurt him?

Tell him you're moving away.

That would let him down easy.

Thank you so much.

Can I tell you one other thing, Ray?

Of course.

I'm moving away.

Oh, no! Where?

Canada. I have to leave tonight.

Maybe you can still make the dance.

What time is your flight?

What time in the dance?

8:00.

7:00.

Damn it!

You'll be okay, right, Ray?

There's plenty of fish in the sea.

[Flatly] Yes, of course.

Grabbing my fishing pole as we speak.

Ha-ha.

Goodbye, Fiona.

[Sighs]

[Muffled sobbing]

Uh...

It was me.

What?

Fiona isn't real.

It was just a prank I was pulling on you.

I don't believe you.

[Sighs] Okay.

[Cellphone vibrates]

Fiona: Do you believe me now?

You monster!

You used me for your Valentine's Day jollies!

I will never love again!

Ray.

[Door opens, closes]

[Sighs]

[Dance music plays]

[Laughter]

Dr. Miller: Hey, DiMeos.

How's your Valentine's Day going?

Not great.

You ruined my wife's romantic plans by making us chaperone.

Maya: No use dwelling on it.

I mean, I had a lot of heat planned for tonight, but it's ruined, can't be replicated... ever.

Her fault.

Well, yes, you said that, but I'm sorry, you were needed.

You made her make us come here.

Mnh-mnh.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, uh, what's that? [Laughs nervously]

Darling, I'm sorry. I had something planned for you.

I did, and I came this close.

I couldn't pull it off.

I had to destroy Valentine's Day.

Well, that is the most romantic destructive thing anyone's ever done for me.

Is it? Is it okay?

I mean, even though we don't have the heat?

We have heat.

We have a different kind of heat.

Maybe it isn't "break up an engagement and punch a guy in the face" heat, but we've traded up for "18 years of marriage" heat.

"Beautiful, perfect family" heat.

Those are good. Those are heats.

It's a nice, lived-in heat.

Hey, you want to get me a gift?

Don't question us ever.

Okay, well, the price is right.

All right.

[Chuckles]

[Cellphone chimes]

Ooh!

Ooh, forget not questioning us.

I've got a much better gift for you.

Did he talk to you?

♪ Save me, somehow ♪
♪ One step, and I'm going down ♪

Ray, come on.

What do I have to do to make this right?

I'm more mad at myself, for thinking I could ever be loved.

So you got catfished by your kid sister.

Look at the upside...

Now you've got some experience under your belt.

And you're good at this.

You're ready for a real girl now.

You're right.

♪

I'll go in a couple minutes.

[Dance music playing]

Hey!

Here you go. Better late than never.

Ohh!

[Chuckles]

All right. Dang.

People sure like getting candy.

What's so exciting about a box of chocolates?

Yeah, sure, there's the mystery.

You know, could be a creamy center, could be... nougat.

C-O... "Coconut"?

You never mentioned anything about coconut.

Is there, like, one in every box?

Uh, well... [Chuckles]

You deserve a treat.

You've been strong for the better part of an hour.

♪

Damn it, JJ.

I can't believe you talked me into that.

We are so screwed.

People are gonna be so mad at us.

Split the last one?

[Laughter]

Girl: That is so fun!

How did you do that?

Hi, I'm Ray.

You look ravishing in that dress.

Why, thank you.

I'm Veronica.

Would you like to dance, Veronica?

Oh, no, thanks. I'm not interested.

I'm sorry, are you insane?

Who are you?

I'm his sister... And a new fan.

A couple of days ago, I didn't know why anyone would like him, but now I don't know why anyone wouldn't.

I'm just not really looking for anything right now.

Well, too bad.

You found something. Now dance.

Okay, okay.

Forget experience, Ray.

This is the upside.

You've convinced your sister that you're a catch, and your sister gets things done.

Veronica's gonna give you a chance.

You're gonna dance, right, sweetie?

Mm-hmm.

Thanks?

♪ Oh, yes, I'll spoil ya ♪
♪ Telling you right now ♪
♪ Oh, yes, I'll spoil you ♪

[Whispering] It's going great.

[Sighs] You came.

Thank you so much for changing your mind.

[Chuckles] I didn't do this for you.

I did this for my wife.

She wanted me to close this chapter in my life and move on, so I'm gonna tell you everything that I remember about that night.

The bar was McEvoy's.

McEvoy's! Ooh, I could kiss you!

Where, right here?

You were eating potato skins.

Oh, that's right! I was!

And you were wearing this jacket... you left it.

My jacket.

Wait, you saved this?

No.

It was in a box in the back of my closet.

I was gonna give it to Allison.

Yeah, it was a few sizes too big.

Meow!

I almost like you.

Ooh, what was the song that was playing?

Check your pocket.

Right... go have fun.

Re-create your special night.

Thank you, Ethan.

I know this wasn't easy for you.

♪ ...all right, just one dance ♪
♪ And you kissed me, and we both knew ♪

Ethan!

What the hell do you think you're doing? Hey, man.

[Crowd gasps]

Oh, hi.

Really? There are other women in the world who have dark, curly hair, man.

Oh, my God, that was so bloody hot.

Was it? That was heat!

That was heat... And the real kind.

Not the sad heat we were pretending was okay before.

No, screw that heat.

Oi, did you see that?

Yeah.

Hot-cha.

"I'm gonna puke."

Yeah, we're full of chocolate and coconut.

♪ And if I start a commotion ♪

It's our night, darling.

Shall we dance?

Mm.

Oh, God, he looks pretty mad.

Shall we run?

♪ Ever fallen in love with someone? ♪
♪ Ever fallen in love? ♪
♪ In love with someone ♪
♪ Ever fallen in love? ♪
♪ In love with someone ♪
♪ You shouldn't have fallen in love with ♪

Abra-kabarba, alakazaam, ba-bam.

This is such a sweet gift.

Mom, you were engaged to another guy, too?

No, that's your father.

This is what you've done to me.

Oh, Jimmy, I love it.

It's not done.

I also did the future.

♪

Why is everyone aging but Mom?

'Cause your father is the most romantic man alive.

Happy Valentine's Day, darling.

Wait...

I'm not in that one.

Do I die?