01x13 - Valentine's Day

[bunniefuu]

Okay, guys, Mommy and I are gonna be leaving in a couple minutes, and we're, uh...

(chuckles)

Are you watching The Hangover?

Uh, no.

That's rated R.

Uncle Don came in and turned it on.

It's way better than SpongeBob.

I sat on the remote and it just came on.

That's not what happened at all.

He searched for it, found it, and then said, "Buckle up, kids."

Come on, man.

I also told you not to tell your dad.

Hey, what's with the suit?

Looks like you're selling pianos at the mall.

It's Valentine's Day.

I'm taking Andi out because I love her.

Hmm.

And because she told me to.

Really doing it up fancy, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I called three weeks ago to get us in at Staiano's for dinner and dancing, pre-ordered their special lovers package for two, and had the truck detailed for when she throws herself at me on the way home.

Hmm.

I forgot nothing.

Who's babysitting tonight?

I forgot something.

Oh, this is not good, I don't have a babysitter.

Wha... hey, are you and Marcy doing anything special tonight?

No. Every night I let Marcy lay her head on this bear skin rug.

So, you know, it's always Valentine's Day at our house.

Sounds like it's always Halloween at your house.

So can you babysit?

Let me call Marcy.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Hey, babe, I got a question about tonight.

So do I, where are you taking me for Valentine's Day?

We got a big night ahead of us, baby, so lay out my good underwear.

I can't babysit, I screwed up big.

I got to find some place to take Marcy.

Wha... you're never gonna get in anywhere on Valentine's Day.

Hey, I snuck into three Cher concerts, I could do anything.

(door closes)

So are you guys not going out?

No, no, no, I can still save this.

I'll call Marie.

She's been single a long time.

It's a sad, sad... Marie!

Hey, uh, any chance you could babysit tonight?

No can do.

I'm here with your favorite kindergarten teacher, and we are drowning our sorrows in meat.

Hey, Burns, the best thing about tonight is I've hit rock bottom.

I can only go up from here.

Katie, some phone calls make you feel very lucky.

Lowell, it's Adam.

Hey.

Hey, uh, can you watch my kids tonight?

I wish I could, Adam, but I've got romantic plans with my wife all night.

Time for lefty.

Oh, I am in big trouble.

Big trouble.

I could babysit.

What?

Wait.

Wait, wait.

Yeah, you're 13, you're old enough now.

Yeah, and happy to do it any time.

Wasn't even thinking about any time.

I was just thinking about tonight.

Yeah, but any time means, like, if I have to run back to the office, you'll be here.

Or if Mom and I want to see a movie, you'll be here.

Or if we just don't want to be here, you'll be here!

This could change our lives.

One thing though, if I babysit, it's gonna cost you three dollars an hour.

Three dollars an hour?

Katie, honey... that's not how you negotiate, okay?

You go high, I go low.

Start at, like, ten or $15.

Okay.

$15, then.

No, no, no, no, it's three, you already said three.

Whoa, look at you.

And look at you.

I can't wait to get you out on the town.

(chuckles)

When's the babysitter getting here?

Ah, Valentine's surprise number one.

She's already here.

Oh.

In fact, she's been here for 13 years.

She's responsible, well-raised, you know her and you love her, it's Katie!

(chuckles) You forgot to book a babysitter, didn't you?

That's Valentine's surprise number two.

Yeah, honey, I-I just don't think she's ready yet.

I mean, babysitters need to be a little more, you know, mature.

Wha... you let Uncle Don babysit.

Good point, Katie, my smartest child. Huh?

Don was here for five minutes and Emme learned every bad word ever.

They're all up here now.

Okay, Adam, we need to talk in the kitchen.

(sighs) That means no.

Do you see how smart she is?

Look, I tried everyone.

Katie is our only option.

Look, I'm fine with Katie babysitting.

Just not our kids.

Yeah, I mean, let her work out all the kinks on that frog k*ller, Tabitha, down the street.

Andi, the restaurant's only a few minutes away, okay?

The kids will watch a movie, we'll have some dinner, dance to Sinatra, maybe squeeze in a little truck action on the way home.

Come on.

I don't know.

It's just scary to think about leaving her in charge. I mean, I have bras older than her.

And like those bras, Katie has been through a lot.

Look, she helps me already, okay?

When we get home from school, she gives Teddy and Emme their snacks, she gets them started on their homework.

She's really good at it.

Isn't that what you're supposed to be doing?

Let's not get bogged down in details, okay?

You know what? Look, look, look, if... if Katie starts babysitting, we can go out whenever we want.

All right? We can be that spontaneous, happy couple we used to be before the kids, you know, ruined everything.

I think it's fun to stay home with the kids.

They can't hear you. You can tell the truth.

Look, can we just try it for tonight?

Okay, fine. All right?

Okay.

But if anything goes wrong at the house while we're gone, Katie babysitting goes on the list of things you are not allowed to ask me to do again.

Okay, sure, sure, sure.

I'll put it next to skydiving and that thing I tried on New Year's Eve.

Now, let's... let's do this before you change your mind, okay?

That's what you said on New Year's Eve.

Katie, your mother and I have decided to let you babysit.

Emme and Teddy: Yay!

Really?! That's amazing!

I won't let you down, I promise.

Okay. Okay.

But I have some rules, all right?

No running, no jumping, no climbing, no fighting, no biting, no cooking, all right?

A-And no trying anything for the first time.

If you're not already great at it, don't do it, okay?

(chuckles) Okay, listen, if you need anything, you call me, not your mother, me.

Got it?

Got it.

Okay. And... if you need anything, you call me, okay?

(all say good-byes)

Be good, bye!

Oh, and lock this door.

Don't answer this door.

Nothing with doors.

Doors equal death.

(knocking on door)

And you're dead.

Do you think it's too early to call home?

Honey, we left six and a half minutes ago.

The kids are in good hands, will you just relax?

Okay, well, as long as everything is fine at home, I'm fine.

Well...

I like this place.

Mm.

It's fancy.

Yeah.

You know, when I went to the ladies' room, the toilet seat was heated. Yeah.

And not from somebody else sitting on it.

Oh.

Oh, and, since I'm only paying Katie three dollars an hour, I am gonna order us the second cheapest bottle of wine.

Mm. (chuckles)

Hi, may I help you?

Hey, yeah, uh, we have a reservation for two.

Burns.

Hmm. Oh, I just seated the Burns party.

(chuckles)

I think I would've remembered if that happened.

Is that Don?

Yes.

That seven-foot howler monkey stole our table.

What the hell are you doing at our table?

I took a gamble you wouldn't find a babysitter.

I kind of bet my marriage on it.

Okay, well, Marcy's looking at me, so tell me all the lies quickly.

I told her I invited you guys here to surprise her.

And that you're fighting, and that's why you looked mad.

Okay, fine, but you are buying us the third cheapest bottle of wine.

No problem.

I'm not doing that.

(phone rings)

(grumbles)

Oh, no, Katie's calling me.

Katie, hey. Are you okay?

Uh, yeah, we're fine. I think that fuse blew again, the lights went out.

Oh, oh, you just have to reset the breaker.

You know where the breaker box is out on the garage wall?

Yeah, you mean that thing you told me to touch never ever?

That was when you were four, but you're old enough now.

Just... but, uh, before you open it, bang your hand on the cover a couple of times to scare the spiders.

Spiders? We'll just leave the power off till you come home.

No, no, no, no, no, if... if the power's off when Mom gets home, we'll never get our spontaneous life back.

What are you talking about?

You'll understand in 30 years.

You know what? I'll be home in a minute.

Okay, listen, I got to run home, but Andi can't know that Katie called or that I left, so cover for me, all right?

Tell her that, uh... tell her you saw me running into the bathroom.

Yeah, got it. You were sweating, your hands were on your butt.

Right? And you were screaming, "Oh, Lord help me."

What? No, no!

What's the matter? Too religious?

(keys jingle) Hey, hi, everyone. Okay, it's just me.

Hi. How's everybody doing? You good? Good? Okay.

Playing a board game, that's nice. All right, good.

Just gonna run out here and trip the breaker.

All right, nothing... will only take a second.

Okay.

Lights will be on in a second.

And the lights are back on. Yeah.

Okay, all right, that's good. And I can... see that there's a spider on me!

This is so fun that Don invited you guys here to surprise me.

Yeah, we're all surprised.

Hey, what'd I miss?

Hey, how's your tummy?

Don said you had to borrow a pair of pants from the lost and found.

Thanks, Don.

No, it was just an upset stomach, but I feel great so, uh, let's get out night started.

May I have this dance?

Happy Valentine's Day.

Here are your personalized champagne glasses that were included in your lovers package for two.

(gasps)

Why do they say Adam and Andi?

What?

Well, shouldn't they have our names on them?

I mean, you did make the reservation.

Or is there something going on that I should know about?

Just that this is an outrage!

This is fun.

(Adam chuckles)

(phone buzzing)

Is that your phone buzzing?

Um...

Oh, is it Kate?

Well, let me check.

Uh, no.

No, no, no.

No, that's a, uh, uh, an alarm that I set for myself to remind me to tell you that I love you.

Oh...

I love you, I got to go.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Go where?

Babe, a love like ours is beyond questions.

Listen, what's so hard about getting a name on a glass?

I'm begging you, find a Sharpie and get it done.

Katie called again, I got to call her back.

Okay, I'll stand in front of you so Andi can't see.

Fine, fine, yeah.

Hey, Katie, it's Dad. Are you okay?

Dad, there's a bat flying around in Emme's room and she's freaking out.

How did a bat get in the house?

It must have flown in when you left the back door open to fix the fuse.

Okay, no need to point fingers.

All right, I-I'll be home in a minute.

Okay, listen, tell Andi, uh...

I'll make something up.

No, no, no, no, no.

Uh, tell her, uh, tell her I had to move the car.

I-I accidently parked in a loading zone.

Okay, but I got to find a strong drink for Marcy first.

She's starting to get suspicious.

Really?

You having a hard time outsmarting her, are you?

Oh, always.

Huh.

Oh, this drink looks good.

It's called a Mind Eraser.

Yeah. Mom must've had a few of those when she was pregnant with you.

Okay! I'm here.

I'm here!

Hello?

Oh, it's okay, I got him to fly out the window.

Really? Oh, I'm so proud of you.

You're the best babysitter ever.

See that?

Nothing to be scared of.

Just a little bat. (chuckles)

Ah! The bat's out here!

It's chasing me!

(phone buzzing)

Not again.

Hey, Katie. What is it this time?

Never mind, I'm coming.

Hey, pal.

Hi, Dad.

Okay, ready?

Yeah.

Out you go.

(both grunt)

(whoops) What a rush.

Yeah, it's good, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, please don't do that again, all right?

All right, I got to go. You call me if you need me.

(door closes)

(phone rings)

Hey, Mom.

Hey, honey, just checking in.

Oh, uh, don't worry, Dad just left.

Wait, your-your dad was there?

Yeah, to get Teddy's head out of the banister.

What?

(stammering): Kate, what happened?

Which time?

"Which time?"

Oh, it... it's no big deal.

Dad only came home when the fuse blew out, when the bat was upstairs and when Teddy's head got stuck.

I thought you guys told each other stuff.

Yeah, so did I.

Okay, honey, well, I think we'll be home very soon.

Okay? Bye-bye.

Excuse me?

I would like your most expensive bottle of wine, please.

This drink is delicious. I don't even care if my name's not on the glass.

(chuckles) There you go.

And there's hardly any alcohol in there, so you could have as many as you want.

Hey.

Andi: Hi.

Honey, it sure took you a long time to move the car.

Yeah, well, I had to circle around forever.

Practically ended up back at the house.

(Adam and Andi laugh)

I hate when I can't find a parking spot.

It just makes me want to blow a fuse.

Well, that... that was very specifically worded.

It just drives me... (groans) batty.

It's over, man.

Why didn't you tell me you had to go home three times?

I'm sorry.

I wasn't thinking straight because I got caught up in this beautiful fantasy.

Imagine this: it's a typical night, the kids are tired and fighting, and what do we do?

We just walk out the door.

Because the babysitter is already there.

All right, I mean, that does sound pretty good.

And Katie did the right thing: every time there was a problem, she called me.

We can trust her.

'Cause she was raised by a good mother.

A good, smokin' hot mother.

Okay, okay.

Too much?

No, I mean, I like it.

I like the fantasy, I-I like the whole thing.

Yeah.

You know what? I'm gonna call Katie and tell her what a good job she's doing.

Great, great. Then let's go enjoy our night.

We still got a lot to look forward to: dinner, dancing, fireworks when Don's night goes up in flames.

Adam, she's not picking up.

What?

(blender whirring)

(phone ringing)

This night is going great.

I think I'm actually gonna get away with it.

Hey, bartender, another Mind Eraser, shaky, shaky.

Five rings, six rings... voice mail.

Voice mail, Adam!

Well, why isn't she answering?

I don't know, but we need to get home to our kids right now!

All right, all right, that's it, we're out of here.

Oh!

Oh...

Oh, sorry, buddy.

Uh, he'll pay for it.

I-I got to go!

Why do I have to pay for it?

It wasn't even my reservation!

What did you just say?

(sighs) Oh, I was so close.

Still no answer.

Can you drive faster?

Well, I... (scoffs)

My God, when we're going for fried chicken, you're breaking the sound barrier.

All right, hold on.

(siren chirps)

Oh, you got to be kidding me!

(groans)

I'm soaked in booze.

He's gonna think I've been drinking.

You got any perfume or something to cover the smell?

Uh... ooh, this'll work.

This'll work, okay.

Ow! What the hell was that?

It's-it's lavender hair spray, with-with a little bit of glitter.

(Adam gags)

It's why I look like a princess tonight.

It's in my eyes!

Okay, uh...

Give me something to wipe my eyes.

I don't... I don't have anything.

I... here, oh, here.

(groans)

Use my dress.

Okay.

Oh...

(knock on window)

Good evening, officer.

Well, I pulled you over for doing 50 in a 35, but by the look of things, we have a bit more to talk about.

Oh...

Doesn't he look like a princess?

(knock on door)

Are these your parents?

(sighs) I'm afraid so.

What do you two have to say for yourselves?

I'm sorry, honey.

Oh, sure, apologize to her.

My eyes got glittered, it's like I'm living in a snow globe.

Look, me babysitting isn't gonna work if you can't be more responsible.

You're right.

Yeah. (mumbles)

What was that?

You're right. God.

Now...

I'm gonna put these two to bed.

Just know, I'm not mad.

I'm disappointed.

We're all disappointed.

(scoffs)

Well, clearly Kate's bossy enough to babysit.

I'm sorry, honey.

I really wanted this to be a special night for you.

Well, I mean, you know, we got covered in drinks, covered in glitter and detained by the police.

Before we had kids, we would've called that a pretty fun night.

Yeah.

And it's not over yet.

I still have one more Valentine's Day gift for you.

But I have to give it to you upstairs.

Oh, so the same thing you got me last year?

Well, it might be in a different order, but we end up in the same place.

All right, let's go.

(Adam chuckles)

(knock on door)

(groans)

Turns out Mind Erasers wear off.

Get in here, you big howler monkey.

Okay, Kate, we're headed out.

Now remember, doors are still death and try to keep Teddy's head out of the banister.

I know he's quick.

And, uh, call us if you need anything.

Same deal as before, three dollars an hour.

I'm thinking ten.

What? When did the price go up?

When you bought non-refundable movie tickets.

Now that's how you negotiate.