05x08 - Hot Mess Time Machine

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "The Mindy Project"...

I'm with Ben now, so I don't have to think about these weirdos and losers ever again.

Weirdos and losers? Which one am I?

Hi, Jamie.

Are you seeing anyone?

His name is Ben, and he works as a... we work at the hospital together.

You are such a good nurse. I want other people to see that.

Where do you work, man?

I'm a, uh...

He's a television personality.

What's going on? What's wrong?

We are going friggin' live on "The Today Show," and I can't find Ben.

What should we drink to?

Dumb boyfriends.

All this time, you've been wondering if I'm good enough for you.

But you know what, Mindy? I don't think you're good enough for me.

♪ I'ma be your love ♪

[dramatic music]

[whimsical music]

♪ ♪

[C.R. Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe" ringtone]

♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
♪ And this is crazy ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪

[splash]

[sighs]

Damn it, that's my third phone this month.

Ugh.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

Speaking of month... Ugh.

I'm getting my monthly visit from the Kool-Aid man.

Oh, yeah.

Ugh.

Why do I keep using these to clean my ears?

♪ ♪

Well, at least I know where my g*n is.

I am an adult in my 30s.

Why can't I even remember to steal bathroom stuff from work?

Oh, come on.

Wow, those super foods look disgusting.

Why can't pizza be a super food?

Hot dog buns. Very absorbent.

Could I... no, no, no, no.

Well, when it rains, it pours.

And in this case, man, is it pouring.

I'm on my period, my son is with his father at Colonial Williamsburg, and last week, my cool boyfriend dumped me for kissing a guy.

I didn't even touch his butt.

Coming up later this Wednesday morning, a new study shows that being single and over 30 can lead to adult acne.

Come on.

It's 8:00 a.m., and this is already the worst day ever.

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Although historically unpopular,

I've always liked this particular mnemonic, and I think you will, too.

Clear the deck. She's in her flow-veralls.

Thank you for joining us, Mindy.

Now, as you all know, this meeting is about the critical subject of... anyone?

Forceps hygiene.

Come on, guys, don't any of you read your work emails?

I'm not allowed to have work email, because all my online dating rejections were slowing down the server.

Jeremy, can we get this moving?

The quicker we can get through this crappy presentation, the sooner we can get on with our crappy days.

Very well. Today, we'll be focusing on the ABCDEs of forceps maintenance.

[sneezes]

Oh, God!

Colette, you sneezed on me. Gross.

Sorry, my handkerchief's at the dry cleaners, and Anna's too beautiful to muss.

Oh, Collette, you're a dear.

Ow! Beverly, you stabbed me!

Relax, this is my fruit Kn*fe, not my people Kn*fe.

Oh, yeah, Dr. L, we're ordering Chinese for lunch.

You want to just get your usual, the Imperial Family Style Banquet?

No, Tamra, I just want, I don't know, boiled chicken and water chestnuts, please.

Well, that's a skinny person's lunch.

Are you trying to lose weight?

Oh, my God.

Ben dumped you.

[gasps] What?

No...

Yes, Ben dumped me.

And for what? For kissing another guy?

It's ridiculous.

Hollywood celebrities do that all the time, and their relationships are great.

Would it help if he kissed another woman?

I've seen the way he looks at me.

Okay.

What were you thinking?

This is your last, desperate chance at a happy ending.

You've squandered it, you fool.

I don't get what the big deal is.

Why is Ben so great?

Well, he's handsome, intelligent, treated you well, and he's Jewish, which has certain socioeconomic advantages.

Okay, Anna, thank you for your incisive commentary.

You know what? I'm out of here.

I don't have to deal with this anymore.

Don't go.

Yup, flow-veralls.

This is gonna be a rough 5 to 14 days.

♪ ♪

Hey, do you want to trade lunches?

Yes, I have a ham and cheese sandwich from the vending machine.

Technically, it's from under the vending machine.

Okay, just... just take it.

Thank you.

You are too kind to me.

I don't know what Ben was thinking.

He was probably thinking, "Why is that ho making out with another guy?"

But for the record, Ben isn't so perfect himself.

Mm-mm.

Okay?

Too much product in his hair, loves comic books, and he enjoyed foreplay.

Yeah, what does he have going for him besides his good looks and the fact that he's nice to you?

Nothing.

[pager beeping]

Oh, man, the Petersons, only my least favorite patients.

Oh, God, are they the ones that don't trust a woman to do the sonogram?

At least this is literally the last time I ever have to see them.

Oh, God, it's all fat.

♪ ♪

Ugh, I'm better off with the sandwich.

♪ ♪

Congratulations, Mrs. Peterson.

You are the mother of a beautiful, seven-pound baby girl.

She doesn't feel like seven pounds.

I know that trick. That's what they do at the deli.

And why's her face red?

What'd you do?

Well, she is healthy.

She has ten fingers, ten toes, one set of genitals.

Nice knowing ya.

[whimsical music]

♪ ♪

[sighs] Of course.

Perfect.

Hey, Ben.

Just please feel free to ignore me.

♪ ♪

After you.

I'm sure you have important places to be, people to kiss.

Look, I am really sorry, and I almost never say that.

And when I do say that, I never mean it.

But this time, I...

You know what, Mindy?

Save it.

Have a nice day.

♪ ♪

Hey, Leo, I hope you're having fun in Colonial Williamsburg.

It's so nice that you do such nerdy stuff with your dad.

You're a good kid. I miss you, babe.

Bye.

Well, today couldn't have been worse, but it's over. [sighs]

Tomorrow, my outlook will be brighter, and my flow will be lighter.

[sighs]

♪ ♪

[phone buzzes]

♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
♪ And this is crazy ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪

[splash]

Oh, come on.

I could've sworn I threw this cup away.

Hmm. [groans]

Oh, right, my period.

Well, at least today I'm prepared.

Huh.

But I bought a new box of tampons last night.

[gasps] Did a very weird burglar come?

♪ ♪

Maybe I just need to eat something.

♪ ♪

The milk's finished?

Have I been sleep-chugging again?

♪ ♪

Coming up later this Wednesday morning, a new study shows that being single and over 30 can lead to adult acne.

Wednesday?

What the hell?

I've checked every calendar I own, and they all say that today is Wednesday again.

Did I sleep through a whole week?

Like after I won that pancake-eating contest?

Although historically unpopular,

I particularly like this mnemonic, and I think you will, too.

Clear the deck. She's in her flow-veralls.

Thank you for joining us, Mindy.

As you all know, this meeting is about the critical subject of... anyone?

Forceps hygiene?

Nerd alert.

Someone checks their work emails.

From now on, I'll be sending you twice as many.

[sneezes]

I'm sorry, my handkerchief's at the dry cleaners.

And Anna's too beautiful to muss.

Please don't objectify me.

Ow! Beverly, keep your fruit Kn*fe in your Kn*fe drawer.

I can't, it's full of b*ll*ts.

Hey, hey, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah. Everyone out.

No, this is a meeting.

Okay, let's go. Let's go.

Morgan, I know this is gonna make me sound nuts, but I woke up this morning, and today has played out exactly like yesterday.

I think I'm living some kind of, like, "Groundhog Day."

Okay, I got it. How can I help?

Got it?

What I just told you was completely crazy.

Yeah, you know what? The universe is a crazy place.

Do you know in Canada, they drive on the exact same side of the road as we do?

Okay, I really thought that you would think this is a bigger deal.

I don't know, if you were in a "Freaky Friday" or it was, like, a "Shaggy Dog" situation, then I'd be like, "Oh, my God."

Well, why is this happening to me?

Wait, what's the point of "Groundhog Day"?

The point of "Shaggy Dog" is the guy from "Home Improvement"...

[snapping fingers]

What's his name from "Home Improvement"?

Ray Romano.

No, no!

Aw, come on, it's on the tip of my tongue.

[pager beeping]

I'm gonna Google it.

It... it... it's like a Tom.

Tommy...

Tim Allen!

♪ ♪

Where'd she go?

Congratulations, Mrs. Peterson on another baby girl.

Oh, it's just another baby girl?

I'm sorry the birth of our firstborn child isn't exciting for you.

Oh, no, it's just that this very same thing happened yesterday.

We get it. You deliver babies every day.

I'm sorry. Baby Charlotte is so beautiful.

We wanted to be the ones to tell her her name.

How did you even know that?

Did his mother tell you the name?

No.

So what if she did?

God.

It's not a secret or anything.

Why did I even tell you?

♪ ♪

Oh, God.

This again?

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't get to be the one that's annoyed to see me.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm... I'm just having crazy déjà vu.

You're having déjà vu?

Are you about to make out with another dude right in front of me?

Okay. Solid burn.

♪ ♪

Okay, so today did bear some striking similarities to yesterday.

[sighs] But I think it's just a coincidence, like how my pants always shrink after the holidays.

Tomorrow will be Thursday, and I will look back on this as a wacky blip in an otherwise sexy and fulfilling life.

♪ Hey, I just met you and this is crazy ♪
♪ But here... ♪

Oh, no.

Ahhh!

I particularly like this mnemonic, and I think you will, too.

Clear the deck, she's in her flow...

[screams]

[whimsical music]

[screams]

♪ ♪

[screams]

♪ ♪

All right, God. Very funny. You are hilarious.

You're, like, straight-up George Clooney with these pranks.

But I need for tomorrow to be Thursday.

Not like last Thursday or the Thursday before JFK was sh*t.

Like, regular, tomorrow Thursday.

Amen.

[tense music]

Damn it!

And I think you will, too.

Oh, clear the deck!

She's in her flow-veralls!

Aw, damn it.

♪ ♪

Aw, son of a bitch.

♪ ♪

[sighs] Mother...

Hey, man, I know you are mad at me, but I cannot live Wednesday anymore.

Please let me wake up tomorrow and have it be Thursday.

Amen.

♪ Hey, I just met... ♪

[splash]

Oh, come on, man.

Morgan, I need to talk to you.

I am living the same day over and over again like a "Groundhog Day."

Okay, I'm in. How can I help?

[claps hands]

Why is this happening to me?

Is it because I broke that spooky clock in Jody's office?

Maybe it's the universe telling you you need to learn something or... or do something different.

Aw, no, I have to be a better person?

I can't donate my blood.

They said it was too chunky.

If could live the same day over and over again, it would be the day Grandmother fell down the stairs, 'cause I met Paul Giamatti at the hospital.

I think it was him.

Okay, that story sucked, but point taken.

I should be doing whatever I want.

Yes.

I should be having fun with no consequences.

Mm-hmm.

Thanks, Morgan.

But there's no consequences, so I could...

I could... I could come with?

Oh, I'm gonna go by myself.

I just... I want to have fun, so...

I hear you, boss.

♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
♪ And this is crazy ♪

Gotcha.

[The Runaways' "Cherry b*mb" playing]

I particularly like this mnemonic, and I think you will, too.

Damn, Dr. L, we got a pimp comin' through!

Thank you for joining us, Mindy.

Now, does anyone know...

The ABCDEs of forceps hygiene?

Acceptance, bacteria, centrifuge, disinfectant, every day.

Someone listened.

Ah... ah... choo!

♪ I'm the fox you've been waiting for ♪

Thanks, Dr. L.

Hey, you need to watch this Kn*fe.

You're right, I do.

Okay, well, this meeting sucks.

I'm out of here.

♪ Cherry b*mb ♪

Tamra, I'll get the crab rangoon.

You know what? Two orders.

♪ I'm your wild girl ♪
♪ I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch ♪
♪ Cherry b*mb ♪
♪ Stone age love and strange sounds too ♪
♪ Come on, baby, let me get to you ♪

Hey, guys. [exclaims]

Whoa!

♪ Bad nights causing teenage blues ♪
♪ Get down, ladies, you've got nothing to lose ♪

Oh, God.

♪ Hello, Daddy, hello, Mom ♪
♪ I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch ♪
♪ Cherry b*mb ♪
♪ Hello, world, I'm your wild girl ♪

[glass shattering]

♪ I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch ♪
♪ Cherry b*mb ♪

♪ ♪

[moaning]

♪ ♪

♪ Hello, Daddy, hello, Mom ♪

Hi.

♪ I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch ♪
♪ Cherry b*mb ♪
♪ Hello, world, I'm your wild girl ♪
♪ I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch ♪
♪ Cherry b*mb ♪
♪ Cherry b*mb ♪

Yes!

Yes!

But even with all the fun I was having...

[whimsical music]

Something would always pull me back into the sadness of my real life.

[downbeat music]

Morgan, I'm living the same day over and over again.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Got it, I'm in.

How's it going?

It's weird.

I have done everything I've ever wanted.

I've been to every McDonald's in Manhattan.

I b*at "Candy Crush." I even went to Brooklyn.

But it all just feels so unfulfilling.

Okay, how many days has this been going on?

I've lost track, and honestly, I am getting really bored.

[sighs]

I've been on my period for weeks, and I really miss Leo.

Have you considered that this is all happening so you can back together with Ben?

Whoa.

[expl*sive noise]

Whoa. Maybe you're right.

But how would I even do that?

You know, the only thing that's stayed consistent every single day is that Ben hates me.

Yep, but it's worth a sh*t.

You go for coffee, and if it doesn't work out, you can always have sex with me.

Ugh.

Okay, okay.

[whimsical music]

Ben, Ben, hey.

I need to talk to you.

What do you want, Mindy?

I am really sorry about that kiss, and I would love to get a cup of coffee with you.

No, sorry. Not interested.

Well, I've been acting really crazy since we broke up, and I don't know what I might do.

Well, you might get a cavity.

That's candy.

Dang it.

♪ ♪

What the hell? Are you insane?

Now you have to get coffee with me, whether you like it or not.

Hey, remember when you teased me about my love of magic?

Aw, I loved it.

It was so fun making fun of what a dork you are.

I'll see you around.

Hey, how'd you do that?

I knew I should've just Tased him.

♪ ♪

Ben, Ben, hey.

I need to talk to you.

I'm dying.

Oh, my God. What is it?

I can't talk about it here.

This isn't the right place to talk about illness.

A hospital?

Can we just go get a cup of coffee or something?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Just talk?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

You're so sweet.

Anything.

[bright music]

I love the bathroom here.

It has a really powerful toilet.

And isn't this place cute?

It used to be CBGB's.

Oh, cool story. But you're dying?

What's going on?

Oh, that. Yeah, no, I feel so much better.

Just... I think I needed some fresh air.

Are you dying or not?

I am not dying medically, but I am dying to tell you that I made a mistake.

You are unbelievable.

This is classic Mindy.

Thank you.

Not a compliment.

It's always about what you want.

You don't care how you get it.

Damn it.

Look, the truth is, I was thinking about breaking up with you even before you cheated.

Is it because I burp during sex?

In some cultures, that is considered a compliment.

It's because you're incredibly self-centered.

We had a completely one-sided relationship.

You never asked me anything about myself.

That is not true.

I asked you if you liked my outfit constantly.

Do you know my mom's name?

What's my favorite movie?

Sonu?

"When Harry Met Sally"?

I've got a plane to catch.

Lindsay's afraid of flying.

We're gonna go meet her mom in St. Louis.

Patricia and I have been talking again.

I guess we're gonna see where it goes.

Wait, Ben, please don't go.

Thanks for making me feel better about my decision.

[groans]

Son of a bitch.

[phone buzzing]

FYI, day-old muffins are usually in the dumpster out back.

Ugh!

[dramatic music]

Morgan?

Are you having a "Groundhog Day"?

Yes. How did you know?

'Cause you finished a crossword puzzle, and I saw you dunk.

How's it going?

Not great.

I finally got Ben to go out for coffee with me, and he said I was self-centered.

And then he left to fly off and get together with his ex.

No, no, no. You are not self-centered.

Do you remember on my birthday...

Shut up, shut up, shut up. We're talking about me.

Maybe the point of this time loop wasn't to get back together with Ben.

Maybe it was to finally find a bra that fits.

Well, why don't you just go to coffee with Ben again tomorrow and be a better listener?

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

If Ben thinks I'm a bad listener, I have all the Wednesdays in the world to listen to the crap out of him.

Uh-huh, and maybe one of those days, he won't want to get on that plane.

Morgan, you're a genius.

Really?

Yeah.

And I can say that to you because you're not gonna remember tomorrow.

Remember what?

Okay.

Hey, Ben, can I talk to you for a second?

It's important.

I don't know, Mindy.

I'm kind of in a rush.

Look, I know that part of the reason that we broke up is that I can be a little self-involved, and I don't always ask enough questions of my partner.

Can I just take you out to coffee?

Just to say that I'm sorry?

♪ ♪

Okay.

But the first thing you should know is I don't drink coffee.

[bright music]

So your mom converted to Judaism, but then she was the one that took it more seriously.

Yeah, when I was a kid, she made us go on a vacation to Argentina to hunt for Nazis.

I actually caught one.

Which is where you learned Spanish.

Sí.

And your favorite TV show is "Star Trek," but not the super old one, the one with the bald Captain Kirk and with the guy from "Reading Rainbow."

"Star Trek: The Next Generation."

Yeah.

Hey, I appreciate you taking such an interest in me, but this feels less like getting yogurt and more like getting profiled by "The New Yorker."

I recently had time to read every issue of that magazine.

I'm not a fan.

Well, this was pretty fun, but I got to catch a flight.

Okay, see you tomorrow.

What?

Um, nothing.

Have a safe flight.

All right.

See you.

♪ ♪

Beverly, clear my morning.

I'm going to nerd college.

Great, you'll be valedictorian.

[scoffs]

[lightsaber effects]

♪ ♪

Oh, gosh.

Oh, Batman's hot.

This Bruce Wayne guy isn't bad, either.

Hey, Ben.

♪ ♪

Remember your faithful sidekick... me?

Why are you dressed like Robin?

I actually tried on a Catwoman costume and it ruptured, but I think this is pretty cool.

I'm thinking of wearing it to Comic-Convention.

Do you like it?

I'm actually more of a Marvel guy.

Heh? Who Marvel?

Hey, Ben.

♪ ♪

Why are you dressed like Storm?

Oh, I forgot I was dressed as Storm.

Do you like the X-Men now?

[laughing]

Does Wolverine have a crush on Jean Grey?

Yeah, actually. Well, in the movies.

But in the comics, it's complicated.

That is so interesting.

Where was this outfit when we were dating?

Oh, I'm kind of low-key about my love of the Marvel universe.

[lightsaber effects]

♪ ♪

[metal clanging]

Mmm, chocolate chip banana bread.

This is exactly like my mom's.

She wouldn't give the recipe away for $1 million.

$35,000, actually.

[both laughing]

f*ring phasers.

Making shields.

This show is so good, and it raises a lot of moral questions, like, if Data is a robot, does he have a penis?

[laser whirring]

[expl*si*n]

What? Picard is so much better than Captain Kirk.

Are you kidding me?

Captain Kirk had to do all the same stuff with older technology, had to wear that ugly, mustard-colored shirt, and he had to use a flip phone.

Okay, you do make some compelling arguments.

But I will never agree with you that the best James Bond is Austin Powers.

[in British accent] Yeah, baby. Do I make you horny?

[laughs] How did we never find any of this stuff out when we were dating?

Maybe because I never asked you enough questions.

Oh, it is almost 5:00.

You better leave, otherwise you're gonna miss your flight.

Unless you want to stay.

Yeah, I kind of wish I could stay, too.

No, you should go.

You don't want Lindsay to have to fly alone.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Maybe I'll see you around the hospital when I get back.

Bye.

Bye.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪

Morgan, Ben and I had such a good day today.

I let him eat his own yogurt, and I didn't say anything anti-Semitic.

So did you seal the deal?

No.

But if I hadn't reminded him to go to the airport, I think we might have even kissed.

Why would you remind him to go to the airport?

I don't know, Morgan, I wasn't thinking, so I did the right thing, but it doesn't matter because tomorrow when we go for yogurt, I'm not gonna remind him. He's gonna miss his flight.

I'm gonna lock him down for real.

Nice. I got to tell you, I don't know what happens to me when you tell me I can do anything and the day will reset, but today I did some crazy sh...

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

♪ Hey, I just met you ♪

[sighs]

[grunts]

[sighs] Hello, Wednesday.

Good morning, period.

How do you do, empty box of... tampons.

What the hell?

[dramatic music]

Now for the top news on this Thursday morning, a major victory for civil rights in the Supreme Court.

Oh, my God, this is horrible.

It's Thursday?

[banging on door]

It's Morgan!

Hey, dude. Remember me?

I'm the guy you said, "Hey, don't worry.

Tomorrow's gonna reset."

I did things I could never take back.

I called my grandmother a slut.

What?

She punched me.

She punched me right in the face.

You deserved it.

I know.

What about me? I was about to seal the deal with Ben, and finally win him back, and now it's friggin' Thursday?

Although it was actually worth it just to spend one extra hour with Ben every day.

I got to find out more about him and learn how great he was.

Now he's just gonna get back together with his stupid ex, and I'm not even gonna have that hour a day anymore.

Well, did you ever consider that maybe it was Ben who was repeating each day to learn that you're not good enough for him?

You're probably right.

The universe sure does love white men.

Aw, who am I kidding? So do I.

Well, I have to leave now, because I joined the Navy yesterday, thinking I wouldn't have to go.

Mess up my foot to get out of it.

Oh, what if I say I'm gay?

That's nothing.

♪ ♪

[door slams]

Dear God, please bless this enormous feast that I'm about to cram.

And please bless little Leo, and if you're behind what happened to me, ha, ha, very funny, bite me.

Also, please take care of Ben and Lindsay on their flight to St. Louis.

All right, smell you later. Amen.

[knocking at door]

Okay, this better not be the three g*dd*mn spirits.

Coming.

Hey.

Can I come in?

Okay, yeah.

Oh, sorry.

Looks like you have a bunch of people over here.

Yeah, just... I had, like, 10 or 12 friends here, but then they... they all, uh, took off.

Right.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were gonna be in St. Louis seeing Patricia.

I was.

But on the plane, I started thinking about our last conversation.

I thought it was really sweet how you reminded me to get on that flight for Lindsay.

Well, you know me.

Selfless to a fault.

So by the time I landed in St. Louis, I realized the only place I really want to be is right here.

Look, Ben, I know I did a lot of messing up... like, a lot.

Like, more than you could possibly imagine.

Well...

But what I have learned is that you're such a great guy.

And the more I get to know you, the more I love you.

I just didn't know what I had when I had it.

So you want to give this another try?

Ugh, finally! It's been months.

What?

Never mind.

Doesn't matter.

♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
♪ And this is crazy ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪
♪ So call me maybe ♪
♪ It's hard to look right ♪
♪ At you, baby ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪
♪ So call me maybe ♪
♪ And all the other boys ♪
♪ Try to chase me ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪
♪ So call me maybe ♪
♪ Before you came into my life ♪
♪ I missed you so bad ♪
♪ Before you came into my life ♪
♪ I missed you so bad ♪
♪ And you should know that ♪
♪ So call me maybe ♪