03x13 - Neighbors With Attitude

[bunniefuu]

Can you believe it's almost Valentine's Day already?

Remember last Valentine's Day?

We spent it getting down and dirty on the kitchen table.

I can't wait to do that with you again this year.

Doing our taxes is the best way to spend the holiday.

Say "loophole."

Loophole.

[Sighs]

Let's just make sure no stray 1099 forms were mailed late so we can get started.

What is it?

Whatever it is, it scares me.

Go get the children.

S03E13 - Neighbors With Attitude

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Bryson: So, let me get this straight...

You found this unwrapped, uneaten pastrami sandwich in your mailbox?

Yes.

Just sitting there.

What could this mean, Officer Bryson?

Is it a warning? A thr*at?

The flag was up. They wanted us to find it.

Who's "they"?

We don't know! That's your job!

No one does their job.

No one just does a good job anymore.

I just got a promotion, actually.

Anyway, mailbox sandwiches really aren't a police matter.

That's more of a Neighborhood Watch thing.

But our neighborhood doesn't have one of those.

That sounds interesting, though.

Watching your neighbors... That's very Jessica.

That's very Jessica.

Thank you, Officer Bryson.

Corporal Bryson.

[School bell rings]

Okay, sirs, since I've become a bit of a perv this year, I think it's only fitting that I bring up this Friday's big dance for discussion.

Wait, what dance?

Get your head out of the clouds, Dave!

I swear to God.

The Valentine's Day dance.

The Robin Scouts do it as a fundraiser for all the 8th-to 12th-graders in the East Orlando school district.

I hope the Robin Scouts run a better dance than an organization.

You guys are losers!

No one likes you! They like the cookies!

You guys have a flat management structure!

How do you make decisions?!

Walter: My sister Cordette told me about it.

Legend has it, it's where everyone makes out.

So you're saying this is our best sh*t at getting our first kiss before we start high school?

Dave's awake, everyone.

Everyone, Dave's awake.

I remember my first kiss, back in '93.

'94? It's hard to remember.

I kissed lots of girls back in D.C.

I've never seen you kiss Alison.

Oh, yeah. She and I haven't kissed yet.

We're taking it slow, but I'm sure I'll lay a few on her at the dance.

The only light is a disco ball and one floor lamp.

There are dark, unsupervised slut pockets all over that Jewish Community Center.

Peter and I just wanted to thank everyone for the generous welcome-to-the-neighborhood lawn frog decoration you gave us.

Frogs are my favorite animals...

After giraffes and elephants and monkeys.

Humans are low on the list.

Okay, thank you, Peter.

We'll... put that in the notes.

And it's our pleasure, Ann.

Sorry it took so long to get to you, but not everyone pitched in their share on time.

Thankfully, Evan stepped up and covered our straggler's last $12.

Let me guess... You still don't have it.

I forgot... again.

I'm sorry, Evan. Next time, I promise.

Mommy brain. [Groans]

[Exhales slowly]

Okay, well, if that's everything, then...

Actually, I have a serious issue I would like to discuss.

Our home was att*cked.

[People gasp]

Yes. That's right.

My husband and I went to check the mail, and we found...

[Voice breaking] a pastrami sandwich just sitting in our mailbox.

It was freaky.

That is why I propose that we start a Neighborhood Watch.

I know some of you may think I'm overreacting, like the police did, but I...

Like hell we do.

I don't want a sandwich in my mailbox.

Who does?

Really?

Oh, this is amazing. I have so many great ideas.

Fantastic.

We'll put it on the agenda for next week's HOA meeting.

Thank you, Jessica.

"Mommy brain"?

I guess having a kid gives you permission to disrespect people.

Evan, when you...

Lend someone money, you have to be okay with never getting it back.

I know, I know.

Louis, hey, come look at the great ideas I have for the Neighborhood Watch.

Wow. Are those security cameras?

Yes.

I'm also proposing a volunteer nightly patrol shift and an anonymous tip line that will ring directly to me.

"J. Huang.

A bandit?

Use the Tasers I distributed.

Zap him in the area."

Hmm.

Grandma, you should really keep your money in the bank.

It's not safe in the house.

Oh, Grandma.

Dear, sweet Grandma.

You have no idea what hell you hath unlocked.

I even came up with a very clever name for it...

"Neighborhood Watch Association"... N.W.A.

How's that, now? Y'all talking Dre?

Neighborhood Watch.

Oh.

I'd pick a new name, Mom. N.W.A. is already a thing.

What's it stand for?

I can't say.

Trent!

Eddie. It's not a good time.

Your mom's not a good time. Let me in.

I need to borrow the group bottle of Polo cologne for the dance.

I'm gonna pre-spray my clothes, so...

Spa day... That's what's good.

I'm really busy right now, Eddie.

What's that?

Nothing! No, don't...

"Sparrow Scout Handbook"?

No...

What the hell, Trent?!

I thought you said you hated the Scouts.

I only said that so no one would suspect that I myself am a Scout.

Everybody makes fun of Sparrow Scouts, and I've built a reputation as a cool person.

Why do you need the cologne, anyways?

I thought you weren't nervous about the dance.

[Sighs]

Since you're coming clean with secrets and you're a Sparrow Scout, I can obviously trust you.

I lied about kissing girls in D.C.

I've never kissed a girl.

[Gasps]

[Car door closes]

Hey, great! They did your idea!

Yes... my idea.

I was gonna head it up.

And they said that we would discuss it at the next HOA meeting.

I'm sure this is all just a misunderstanding.

No way. I know exactly what's going on here.

Those HOA ladies don't think I would be good at leading a Neighborhood Watch.

But I see everything.

I'll show them I am amazing at finding things.

Jessica: There he is.

[Click]

There he is.

[Click]

There he is.

[Click]

Candy cane, candy cane, candy cane...

There he is!

Hey, Jessica? Can I have a word?

[Projector stops]

I think you're missing the point.

Nobody doubts your ability to find Waldo.

Thank you.

We don't want you involved in the Neighborhood Watch because you're not a team player.

[Sighs] I can't believe that's why they excluded me from the Neighborhood Watch.

Who cares if I'm not a team player?

That cantaloupe is supposed to last all week.

What's wrong with being a team leader?

Some people row, some people coxswain.

I just rented "Oxford Blues."

Best rowing movie I've seen in a while.

Okay, I found a Monopoly hat piece, Evan's diary, and an R-rated pen in Dad's closet.

It's in Mom and Dad's room!

I knew it!

[Sighs]

Jessica, if you want to be a part of the Neighborhood Watch, you're going to have to learn to be a team player.

Don't worry. I'll help you.

[Sighs]

All right, talk to me, Eddie.

Why haven't you kissed a girl yet?

Well, the truth is...

Ugh! What is this?!

It's parve. My mom keeps kosher.

I thought you knew that.

Well, the truth is, I've had this perfect image in my head about my first kiss ever since I saw "Poetic Justice," starring Tupac as Lucky and... Janet Jackson as Justice.

Yes, I know it well.

Tupac and Janet share a tender kiss on the beach.

Right? It was b*mb.

[Sighs] I know it's kind of dumb and it's not gonna be exactly like that, but I'm waiting for the right moment.

I love that.

And the right moment is Valentine's Day.

You heard the guys... This is my best sh*t to get my first kiss before 9th grade.

I can't go into high school a kissing virgin!

Eddie, relax.

Above all, Sparrow Scouts are loyal friends.

I'm gonna be your wingman.

I know you and Alison as a couple.

I guess you did spend last Valentine's Day with us.

At the Janet Jackson concert.

Full conversational circle.

Don't worry. We're gonna get you kissed.

Now, we're both gonna cut our hands and join our blood so we never forget this bond of shared secrets.

I'm not doing that.

Okay, if you're going to be a team player, you have to learn how to deal with challenging teammates.

So what do you do if someone disagrees with your idea?

Well, why would they do that?

[Sighs] Okay. Just pretend I'm the HOA.

Tell me an idea you have for the Neighborhood Watch.

I think we should put up security cameras in the cul-de-sac.

No, that's too expensive.

We buy them wholesale using funds from the October car wash!

Would I have suggested it if I hadn't already done the math?

We have work to do.

What do you do if someone suggests an idea that's worse than yours?

I think we should start a volunteer nightly patrol.

Uh-huh. And who will tend to the children that get maimed in the streets, Jenny?

What do you do if you suggest an idea, then someone else suggests the same idea and they get credit for it?

I also think we should set up an anonymous tip line.

I had an idea for your Neighborhood Watch.

What if you set up a phone number people can call to report suspicious activity in the neighborhood?

That's my idea!

I mean, uh, maybe you can have the same idea as me...

After me...

Because you're slower... mentally.

And that is why surveillance cameras, nightly patrol shifts, and an anonymous tip line would increase security and decrease mailbox sandwiches in our neighborhood.

[High-pitched] We could also publish a newsletter to update everyone on our progress.

My hair is red.

Great idea, Lisa.

Let's definitely do that.

[Normal voice] You're ready.

[Sighs]

It was really tough.

We both said some things we didn't mean, and some we did.

But I refuse to call my divorce a failed marriage.

[Voice breaking] We made a beautiful child together, and if that's not a success, I don't know what is.

So, I'm wondering if there's any childcare available in the neighborhood.

I work two jobs, and I can't always be there when Peter gets home from school.

I don't prefer to be touched.

You know, I've thought about it, and it's okay if you don't pay me back the $12.

What's important is that Ann and Peter feel welcome in the neighborhood.

Mm-hmm.

Carol-Joan, are those new sandals?

Did you buy new sandals when you know you owe me $12?

I had your money, but I-I had to tip my colorist.

So, that's it for the HOA.

The Neighborhood Watch committee will be staying after to discuss the success of the signs we put up.

So, Jessica, whenever you're ready to [clicks tongue] leave... [Chuckles]

Actually, I would like to stay.

I have a couple of ideas I would like to constructively add to all of your already-great ideas.

Um... okay.

So, I've done some research, and I think the Neighborhood Watch could be even better if we add security cameras, a nightly patrol...

Mm, yeah, we're not doing any of that.

Oh, well, just hear me out.

It's just that there have been no new sandwiches in mailboxes, so the signs seem to be working.

She worked really hard on these ideas.

If you'll just listen...

You know what? Never mind.

Meeting is adjourned.

And to the saboteur who brought the cheesecake bars, you can take them with you.

They'll be by the door.

You know I'm getting ready for bikini season.

Forget it, Louis.

They're never gonna let me be part of the Neighborhood Watch.

I'm gonna stop at 7-Eleven for a Chipwich.

I'll see you at home.

I feel so bad for your mom.

She did such a good job learning to be a team player, but she wasn't rewarded for it.

The set of eggs Carol-Joan has on her, to wear her brand-new sandals in front of me.

They kept saying "The signs are enough.

The signs are enough."

Go to an ATM!

Put on your new sandals and walk to an ATM!

Maybe they'd hear Jessica out if they thought the signs weren't enough.

I don't understand women with unpainted toenails.

Here you go.

I'm bugging out.

Don't bug out.

You'll take Alison to the roof of the building and use this telescope to show her the star that you paid to name after her.

And then I'm gonna pop a "kiss me" Sweetheart and I'm gonna kiss her.

Hey, Eddie.

Hey, Trent.

You guys ready to go inside?

We're ready.

Well, well, well.

Look who wants to come into our house.

Walk away, Scout hater.

No way any of you are coming into our dance.

And here's the thing about flat management structure...

If you come after one of us, you get all of us.

Mm-hmm.

[Siren wails]

[Police radio chatter]

Oh, my God.

Corporal Bryson, what happened?

Sad day, Louis.

It appears someone stole Ann's ceramic lawn frog.

This seems a little excessive for a stolen yard decoration.

It was also a hide-a-key for her latchkey son, Peter.

He's missing.

Something horrible happened.

Ann's son, Peter, is missing.

What?!

Why can't these white people keep track of their kids?

Every time we look at a milk carton, we have to see their failures.

Okay. Let's go to the tapes.

You put up an unsanctioned security camera?

I thought you learned how to be a team player.

I did.

But if the team doesn't go along with what you want, you got to do your own thing.

Okay, so, the Robin Scouts won't let us in the dance.

Feels dramatic, but sure.

Here's the new plan...

I know a burger place down the street that lets you dictate the number of straws you get.

We go there, you and Alison get two straws, and you share a romantic milkshake.

Yeah, yeah, that's good!

And I still have the Sweethearts.

This night can still be perfect.

Now, we're both gonna cut our hands and join our blood...

Dude, stop.

I found it. I found your money.

It was in Evan's underwear drawer.

The camera was recording the whole day that Peter went missing.

I stole the lawn frog.

What?

I thought that if something went missing, the Neighborhood Watch would see their signs weren't enough and listen to your great ideas.

But I didn't mean for the thing that went missing to be a child.

You got a child kidnapped?

That is the sweetest thing you've ever done for me.

[Gasps]

You're not mad?

No.

You really want me to have the things I want in life.

And you'll do whatever you have to to help me get them.

I'm never gonna be mad at you for that.

Now let's see what happened to that little snowball.

Marvin?

[Gasps] Look.

Hey, sweetie!

Mwah! Mwah!

I did it.

I put the sandwich in your mailbox.

Why would you do that?

Well, I went to the doctor last week, and she told me that I had high blood pressure.

Now I have to sneak my sandwiches 'cause Honey won't let me eat cured meats anymore.

But she keeps popping up out of nowhere, like a sexy jack-in-the-box.

I can't believe this.

I know...

A lady doctor.

[Chuckles]

Oh, she's good, though. She's not half bad.

I'm sorry... Why are we solving the sandwich case when there's a child missing?

Marvin, did you see Peter when you were outside eating your sneaky sandwich?

I did.

He asked me where he could get a new house key, and I told him there was a locksmith at the mall.

So he couldn't find his key and thought he could go to the mall and get one made?

And you just let him go by himself?

Well, the boy's 17 years old. He can go where he pleases.

He's 10.

Oh.

[Sighs]

We'll never find Peter here.

Jessica, there's no way...

There he is!

Huh.

You look really pretty, Alison. I like your hair like that.

Thanks. It's the same way I always wear it.

Even though we didn't get to go to the dance, this has been a really great Valentine's Day, Eddie.

I'm glad you said that.

[Janet Jackson's "Again" plays]

[Chokes]

Eddie? Are you okay?

[Gasps] Oh, no.

Time to make the Boys In Beige proud!

What are you doing, Trent?!

It's okay! I earned a badge for this!

Now get back, Olsen!

I got you, buddy.

[Inhales]

[Weakly] Unh-unh.

[Gasps]

[Sighs]

It's always just the three of us on Valentine's Day, huh?

I can't thank you enough.

Of course. We're happy to help.

I just hope they find that monster who stole our hide-a-key frog.

Yep, no problem. Good thing you have a Neighborhood Watch.

Bye. [Chuckles nervously]

Let's not tell Daddy about this, okay, sweetums?

Okay. I won't tell Tanya, either.

Tanya?

Who the hell's Tanya?

You were really amazing today.

We never would've found Peter without you.

Those neighborhood ladies may not think you're a team player, but I'd pick you for my team every time.

It's nice being on a team with you, too.

If you didn't screw things up so bad, I wouldn't look so good fixing them.

Hey, this wasn't all my fault.

Peter thinks he can buy a key to his house at the mall.

[Both laugh]

And how about Marvin?

Why doesn't he eat all the sandwiches he wants when he's at work?

[Both laugh]

We are the only smart people in this neighborhood.

Mm.

I'm sorry about tonight.

I really wanted it to be special.

Well, the night's not over.

["Again" plays]

♪ I heard from a friend today ♪
♪ And she said you were in town ♪
♪ Suddenly, the memories... ♪

Hey, Alison!

How are my sloppy seconds?

[Laughs]

[Doorbell rings]

Well, hey, there, big door answerer.

We're here to see your mom.

Sure... If you pay the toll.

It's $12.

I'll get your change...

Eventually.

[Huffs]

Deidre. CJ.

Hey, Jessica.

So, we heard about how you found Peter.

We just want to say we are so sorry that we did not listen to all your great ideas.

You obviously know what you're doing.

So we wanted to invite you to head up the Neighborhood Watch.

Your committee, your rules.

Really?

Wow. I would love that.

Thank you.

You're both fired.

What?

A kid went missing on your watch.

Clearly, I am the only person I can count on around here.

Security will escort you out.

[Both sputter angrily]

Has anyone seen my HOA money box?

It's not in my underwear drawer, where I left it.

Evan!

You.

[Chuckles]