02x03 - Stuck in the School Photo

[bunniefuu]

Call me crazy, but I always look forward to school photos.

I get to put them on the mantle, all smiling, nobody's complaining about dinner or chores or who farted on who.

But these...

These...

And Harley, I don't even know where to begin with this.

If I sent these to abuela, she'd send them right back.

What happened?

When you're a Diaz kid, you're always explaining yourself.

But how do I explain this?

We're gonna need popcorn.

And drinks.

And something for your headache.

I don't have a headache.

You will.

Harley: It all started three weeks ago.

My school photo look is totally natural.

Only took me eight hours to make it look that way.

Eh, I slept in these clothes.

You really wanna take a good school photo?

Don't try so hard.

Congratulations. You nailed it.

That shirt hasn't been cool since Kesha had a dollar sign in her name.

Who cares?

After school, I get to do the most awesome thing in the history of things. Mom, don't forget.

The science club is taking us indoor skydiving.

It's the most awesome thing in the history of things.

You've mentioned it once or twice.

I recorded that in your sleep.

She's right; I've talked about it so much, I even annoyed myself.

It's just, indoor skydiving is like Christmas, New Year's, Fourth of July, all wrapped up in a windy plastic tube.

Yay, science! Yeah!

I made a sweet countdown watch so I can mark every second till jump time.

It originally was a countdown to summer watch, but I repurposed.

Harley, I need to switch spots with you at the next stoplight.

Look, if Beast peed in that seat...

No, I was sitting where you are last Friday, and we all remember what happened last Friday.

Just say it. You're going to anyway.

I hit my first ever free throw!

Nothin' but net.

Well, it rolled around a little bit, but it went in!

You're on a streak... of one.

And to keep it going, I have to do everything today exactly like I did last Friday.

Talk about superstitious.

More like better safe than sorry-stitious.

Hey, Mom, can you turn on that cheesy yacht rock station we yelled at you to turn off last week?

Happy to help.

Ugh.

(cheesy rock music plays)

I hate this station, but gotta keep it on.

(Ethan grumbling) Why?

(school bell rings)

(gasps) Oh, yay, we got a substitute.

Easy class day.

Yes! Substitute, skydiving.

Is this "international Harley gets what she wants" day?

I think it is.

Oh, no. It's Detention Delorco.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

I don't know who that is, but I wanna be supportive.

I've never had him myself, but he's legendary in my family for giving detentions.

And if I get detention today...

(yells)

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Sometimes it feels like things are outta control ♪
♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪
♪ Tryin' to figure out your way in the world ♪
♪ Where you're at is kinda perfect ♪
♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪
♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪
♪ Let the games begin, let's jump right in ♪
♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪
♪ In the middle of the party ♪
♪ We're just getting started ♪
♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪
♪ In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat ♪
♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪
♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

No. This is the worst day ever to meet this guy.

He has it in for the Diaz kids.

Why would he have a problem with your family?

They're great.

Being a Diaz means having to answer for the mistakes of every Diaz who came before you.

Rachel: That's mine.

Rachel Diaz, detention.

(alarm blaring)

Ethan: That's mine.

Ethan Diaz, detention.

Georgie: So sorry, that's mine.

Georgie Diaz, detention.

Sometimes I wish I could just go by one name.

Just Harley, like Sia or Drake.

I'm marked.

Before my butt even hits the seat, Delorco will find a reason to send it to detention.

My poor butt. I wish you went to a different school.

Your butt belongs here.

You're amazing.

You built a backyard roller coaster.

The only thing I ever built was a healthy dislike of kale chips.

I'd love to be you.

That's nice of you to say, but you've never chipped your tooth fighting for a spot on the couch.

But you're an A+ Diaz.

A rock star.

Mr. Delorco will see that.

You're Harley.

I'm not Rachel, Ethan, or Georgie.

You're right. I am Harley.

Let me guess.

You must be Harley Diaz.

No, that's me.

I'm Harley Diaz.

Of the Marshport Diazes.

I so did not see that coming.

Probably the same way Delorco didn't see the door.

Are we really doing this?

I'm Ellie Peters.

Sorry about your face.

At first I was thinking something sparkly, but that's, like, "Look at me!"

Wrong. I want it to be, like...

(low-key) "Look at me."

Like you look, but you don't know why.

9:33. Took a bathroom break.

Don't have to go, but winners make it happen.

Like Taylor Swift and whoever she's dating right now, me and this shirt are meant to be.

Hmm.

I think maybe your shirt is seeing other people.

Hmm?

O-M-G!

Riley Diamont is not wearing the same outfit as me.

I'm alphabetically right next to her in the yearbook.

I cannot be twinsies with a girl who snort-laughs.

Sloppy joes are back!

Sloppy joes are back.

Seven and a half dark months have finally come to an end.

Banned for being too sloppy.

And I fought to bring you back.

This is the greatest day in American history.

You're not hearing me, Mom.

It's an alpha level twinsy situation.

I understand yours is also a matter of life and death, but I'll get there when I can.

(frustrated groan)

That woman is so selfish.

Ethan, you have to help me find a new outfit.

Borrow one from your friends.

They must have something in their lockers.

Kiki's over-plaiding, and the only thing in Zia's locker are books. Books!

Everyone knows a locker is a second closet.

Go to Lost and Found.

It's where I get wardrobe for my movies.

Even props. You read my script about the yo-yo.

I don't want anyone to see me rifling through someone's scuzzy old clothes. That's a loser move.

You do it.

I would love to help, but I've got a date with a sandwich named Joe.

Do you?

It would be a real shame if someone called the school with a food fight scare, and bounced Joe from today's menu.

Food fight?

Mm-hmm.

That's how it was banned the last time.

History can't repeat itself.

Hey, Miles, remember last Friday, you laughed at the toilet paper dragging from my shoe?

Not really.

Well, you did.

Yuck it up.

The quadratic formula.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I was trying to protect you, and it just popped out of my mouth.

"I'm Harley Diaz."

Terrifying, but I did like the sound of it.

Well, like the sound of it quieter.

If Delorco finds out, it's bye-bye, skydiving, hello, detention.

Forget freefall. I won't be free until fall.

Oh, I'm too soft for detention.

It's a tough crowd.

The gelled-back hair, the leather jackets.

Okay, you gotta stop watching Grease.

No one's gonna get detention. We got this.

Oh, Mr. Delorco.

Could I have an important word with my sister?

We're in the middle of class.

It's a matter of life and death.

I need to find out what I had for lunch last week.

Say good-bye, Ms. Diaz.

Bye, sis.

Nice touch, but that was close.

We got lucky. Georgie doesn't usually give up that easily.

Georgie: Harley.

Why are you saying my name?

I'm not.

Harley.

Harley. Harley!

Hey, Harley.

Stop calling me that. Go away.

I just army-crawled through three pieces of gum, and what I'm hoping was ketchup to get here.

Now tell me what I had for lunch last week.

I'm Harley; maybe I can help.

Why is she Harley?

Because I'm Ellie.

What?!

That's right, I'm Ellie, she's Harley.

Harley who loves rewarding her non-blabby friends with a free slushy from her Slushy Shack.

Diaz, detention.

And the next time I see you crawling around my classroom, it better be fire safety week.

Hey, I got detention last Friday, too.

It happened around 1:47, but I'll take it now.

Thanks, Mr. D.

There's the door.

What kind of sicko threatens a food fight the day a sandwich makes its glorious comeback?

The kind who's so desperate, she might wearing something from a box that has a moldy pizza in it.

Looky, looky. We have a winner.

Ugh.

Everybody likes cats. Am I right?

If the person who wore that goes to this school, I need to transfer.

I can't believe we made it out of there.

My heart is racing.

Probably won't b*at this fast during skydiving.

I'll be happy if mine never beats this fast again.

I feel like I've been juggling lightning.

You did good. I couldn't have been a better me myself.

It's Delorco. Quick, other way.

Oh, no.

Our mom is here.

Harley, hurry up. We're waiting to hear the rest.

Seriously. You leave at the most tense moment of the entire story to get more popcorn?

That's what good storytellers do.

They make you wait for it.

So where were we?

Delorco on one side, and Mom on the other. World's lamest showdown.

Your story is about digging through the Lost and Found, so maybe lose the attitude.

This portion's about me, so I wouldn't mind hearing it.

Hi. Mr. Delorco.

Always a pleasure.

I just came by to give this to my daughter.

Oh! That's for Harley.

Yes, thank you.

Oh, I almost forgot. Harley, could you get that...

Harley, could you get that...

...to Rachel?

You bet. Thanks, Mom.

I gave blood earlier, so my head's still a little swimmy.

Maybe I should have one of these.

To stop the wooziness.

They said, "Take as many as you want," but I just took these and the six other boxes in my car.

To stop the wooziness. I'm gonna go.

Kinda filled in the blanks for me on the Diaz family.

Ditto that, Mr. D...

...lorco. That's a lovely tie.

Hey, Chet, I need you to think long and hard, because I have a very important question.

What did you serve for lunch last Friday?

Fish and chips, absolutely sure. I'd bet my life on it.

Oh, because for a minute, I was thinking it was meatball subs.

Right. That was it.

Great. Give me one of those.

Uh, today's Sloppy joes.

That weird floppy-haired kid with the petition finally got what he wanted.

Sloppy joes, meatball's messy cousin.

Meat, bun. Oh, we've got the building blocks here.

Would you mind balling up some meat, plopping it onto a bun, and kind of smooshing the bun into a longer shape?

Yeah. I've been warned about squeezing the food.

Can't do it.

I'm under a lot of pressure here, trying to create a winning streak, so I'm not moving till I get something that resembles a meatball sub.

I've ridden a lot of benches, Chet, I know how to wait.

(sighs) This day's been an emotional roller coaster.

At least, that's what I've heard.

My mom only lets me ride the merry-go-round.

This day's been an emotional merry-go-round.

(clock chiming)

Only two more hours, and I'm flying high.

Ain't no stoppin' Harley/Ellie/whoever I am now!

(painful groaning)

What was that?

I'll be taking over for Miss Parsons until her nose stops bleeding.

I hope young Ellie Peters has learned a valuable lesson about doors, and how they open.

Not that I'm agreeing with him or anything, but really, Harley, how hard is it to open a door?

Look, we've already done this once.

We just have to keep a low profile, and we're golden.

Ellie Peters.

Ellie Peters!

That's you, golden girl.

Yep. That's me.

According to Miss Parsons' lesson plan, you're giving your biology presentation today.

Yes, of course.

Remind me what it is again.

Bird calls. The sweet song of nature.

Bird calls? Really?

This isn't my fault.

I invited you to birdcall camp.

It's true, she did.

But knowing what I know now, I still probably wouldn't have gone.

Here's your Frankensub. Now get out of here, or I'll get written up again.

Absolutely.

But first, do you remember where I sat last Friday?

Look, all I remember about last Friday is that some idiot spilled a meatball sub, and I had to clean it up.

Got it all over me.

Heads up, don't go to a dog park with meatball sub pants, unless you wanna leave with just a waistband.

Wait. I was that idiot who spilled their sub.

I humiliated myself.

Oh, I could totally do that again.

I have every reason to believe that's true.

Okay, one, two, three, trip, spill on myself, or one, two, three, spill on myself, trip?

Guess I'll have to find it in the moment.

One, two...

All suited up and ready for a joe-down.

Yes. Trip then spill. That's how I did it.

I am so sorry. I'll go get some napkins.

And maybe change if you're going to a dog park.

I wish with all my heart you'd taken that joe bib when I offered it.

Gross!

Hey, who threw that at me?

Sorry. Accidental flick.

Everyone, calm down.

Food fight!

As you know, I am Ellie Peters, whose friend Harley will give a slushy and a soft pretzel to anyone who enjoys this presentation without comment.

We have a fascinating 20-minute film on mitochondria to get to. Let's hear your bird calls, Ms. Peters.

Ah, yes. Bird calls.

The calls that come from birds.

Our winged friends from the great blue yonder.

In five seconds, I start the film and you get a D.

Seagull, seagull.

Crow, crow.

Uh, card... inal.

Uh... cardinal!

I find it hard to believe that those are actual birdcalls.

Hey.

That's a pigeon; I'm only giving you half credit.

And you owe me a tuna sandwich.

That's half more than I deserve.

(phone rings)

Delorco: Yes?

I thought you did super.

Wow. You are a really good friend.

Cardinal? Come on.

Diaz, that was the office.

You're late for Friday announcements.

Great. On it. I'm all about it.

I have to do Friday announcements?

I can't speak to the entire school.

You have to. If you don't...

Detention.

Being a Diaz is too much pressure.

It's scary and stomach churny.

You can do this, because today, you're Harley, and someone once told me she's an A+ Diaz.

A rock star.

She is.

Let's go, Diaz.

Or are you waiting for a bird to call you down there?

Seven and a half months I campaigned to get that sandwich back.

I even tried rebranding it the tasty joe, to highlight its better qualities.

People are already lining up for photos.

I'm just gonna have to suck it up and wear my original shirt.

Where is it?

I think I found it.

She's rockin' it.

I can't believe it's come to this.

Come to what?

(kids meowing)

Hey, cool shirt.

Really?

No. I just told somebody that last Friday.

Day repeated.

Man, sports are exhausting.

I'm Harley Diaz.

I'm Harley Diaz. Really cool girl, excellent person. I can do anything.

(feedback whines)

(clears throat, feedback whines)

Good day, Marshport Terriers.

In breaking news, today's basketball game has been canceled due to a food fight in the school multi-purpose room.

No!!

As a reminder, the school bus will be leaving after school for a field trip to the Wind Beneath My Wings Skydiving Institute.

Hey, my best friend Harley's doing that...

I mean, I'm doing that.

I'm Harley. Ask anybody.

Please don't.

(coughing over P.A.)

Let's just skip right to the word of the day.

Oh, no, I forgot.

Today's word is the longest word in the dictionary.

Took me a whole week to learn how to pronounce it.

Ellie's going to black out just looking at it.

Pneumonoul... tramicroscopic... silico...

both: volcanoconiosis!

Yes. She did it! Yes, yes!

What?

Ellie Peters really loves the word of the day.

(whispers) Yes.

I did it.

I am Harley Diaz.

I am...

Harley Diaz.

Way to go, Harley.

Back atcha, Harley.

Harley Diaz, you're up.

Harley Diaz, you're up.

Harley Diaz?

You're up.

Harley Diaz!

(bell rings)

Well, we did it. Let's promise to never do this again.

You can count on it.

I've learned my lesson about being brave and spontaneous.

There's the Ellie I know and love.

Oh, poor Ethan.

Who threw that?

That would be me.

Harley Diaz.

Detention.

No, wait...

I'm Harley Diaz.

Ellie, I can't just let...

Yes, you can. That's what friends do.

(watch chiming)

Hey, Mr. Delorco.

You don't know Diaz.

Sorry, watch. Not happening.

It's easy to focus on the negative.

To take being a Diaz for granted.

What are you two in for?

Both: Food fight.

But every now and then, it takes an honorary Diaz to remind you how special it really is.

Well, I guess that answers all my questions.

Except for one.

What's gonna happen when Ellie's mother opens her pictures?

(doorbell rings)

Everyone hide!