01x13 - All Hail Son of Zorn

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Son of Zorn" Aired: September 2016 to February 2017.
"Son of Zorn" revolves around Zorn, an animated warrior from the island of Zephyria, who returns to Orange County, California to reconnect with his live-action ex-wife and adopted teenage son Alan.
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01x13 - All Hail Son of Zorn

Post by bunniefuu »

Zorn! We need you. Vulchazor has been on a rampage!

First he sacked the Plains of Doom, then sh...

Aah! He took the Screaming Valley.

No, that's so close to the Blood Forest.

You mean Lord Vulchazor's Blood Forest golf course and spa!

'Cause that's what it's called since he conquered it last month. [shouts]

He's going to take all of Zephyria, Zorn.

Come back and fight with us!

Nah, it's okay. You got things under control.

Ah, besides, I'm past all that now.

Battling is a young warrior's game, and you know I'm loving my life out here in the O.C.

Got my son. Got my girl.

Satellite TV. Got a rocking tan.

You know they have a cupcake ATM out here?

Zorn! Hang up the phone.

We're trying to get married here.

Please, I have a family! I'll tell you where they are if you just let me live... [shouts]



Well, looks like my friend's d*ad, so we can do your thing now.


[title music]

Wow, You're really getting rid of all this stuff, Zorn?

The Stone of Sight, MechaZorn, all your invisible spikes.


Zorn: Yeah, well, you know, now that I'm leaving behind
all things Zephyria, I really just don't need it.

How much for this rustic walking stick?

That's not a walking stick. That's the Staff of Quiv.

Alan: Wait a second, Dad, you're selling the Staff of Quiv?

You know I saw you kissing it once when you thought no one was watching.

Oh, I knew you were watching.

And that's a mistake, by the way.

The Staff of Quiv, not for sale.

Edie: Oh, really? Why not, Zorn?

I mean, if you're committing to Orange County, and getting rid of all your warrior stuff.

Yeah, but the Staff of Quiv is just too powerful, even for someone as boring and lame as Craig.

Eh, but I guess he is family now.

All right, 50 bucks.

Craig: Sold!

[laughs] You and me are going for a walk.


Edie: Hey, Alan, look at all your dad's old outfits.

Scuba Zorn, Snow Zorn...

Oh, Alan, look. Formal Zorn.

This is your father's Zephyrian tuxedo.

I think you should keep it, and I don't know, maybe even wear it to the prom?

Uh, yeah, you know, as much as I'd love to wear dad's used silk loincloth in front of the entire school, the only person I want to go to prom with is Layla, and she hates me.

Oh, I'm sure she doesn't hate you.


Uh, no, pretty sure she does.

After I ditched her for the entire football team, and then shattered that kid's pelvis, she said she never wants to talk to me ever again.

I forgot that you did that. That was so dumb.

Thanks, Craig.

Hey, son, if you want to impress a girl, you just got to make a big gesture, that's all.

Like when I wanted to impress Upside-Down Woman.

I took the shackles off her ankles, and she was right-side up for the first time in her life, and she loved it.

Oh, yeah, maybe a grand gesture would work.

Hey, Alangulon, if you're gonna go to prom, you're probably gonna have sex, right?

So, we should, uh, maybe have a little chitchat about the birds and bees, hmm?

[Alan groans]

Dad! You know, I have health class and the Internet, so...

I just don't want you to become a teen dad, you know?

There's nothing more tragic...

Uh, whoopsies. Ooh.

Demons: k*ll everyone.

[demons cackle]

Hey, a little FYI, [people screaming] those demons aren't being sarcastic.

Man: Sorry, Nurse, I was just wondering, 'cause I don't see them there.

I love Nurse Jackie.

Shh, shh.

She's hiding pills.

Todd: Hey, Linda.

Shut up, Todd.

Hey, Zorn. Uh, I'm gonna be going off to do some corporate training with the CEO for a couple days.

I'm sorry, Todd. Will you shut up?

Uh, Linda, I was wondering since you do have experience at being the boss, maybe you could handle anything that came up?

Linda: Oh, sure, Todd.

I relish the opportunity to do the job I did for a decade before you replaced me.

Great, and we can "ketchup" when I get back.

'Cause you had said "relish," so I, uh, decided to do "ketchup."


Linda, this is your chance to get Todd out of here and regain power.

I mean, in two days, we can make this company so rich they'll have to put you back in charge, and then you'll be a man again, and we can try some stuff I've been curious about.

I suppose if we make some big sales that would impress the CEO.

Hey, that's not a bad idea, Zorn.

Hey, screw you. Oh, wait, hold on.

"Not a bad idea." Not... a bad...

Okay, so it's... so a good idea. You think it's a good idea.

Gosh, you're pretty.

[electric guitar strumming without amp]

♪ Layla ♪
♪ Going to prom with you would make my day-la ♪
♪ Everyone stop ca-calling me gay... ♪

Please, stop.

Sorry. It is, like, almost impossible to write a song around the name Layla, so...

[bell rings]

Hey. Gather around, gather around.

Okay. Uh, are you gonna answer?

'Cause it's kind of awkward here.

You know, you care way too much about what people think.

Oh, man, I can't wait until... she's-she's definitely gonna say yes.

Can't wait to hear that yes.

She said no. Uh, she hates me.

I called that.

So, I think I'm gonna look into changing schools.

Wait, Alan.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

Craig: Oh, poor Alan.

Nobody should be sad on their prom night.

In fact, that was my first royal decree when I was prom king.

Wait, hold on. Proms have kings and queens?

That's just like Zephyria.

Or like it would have been if Vulchazor hadn't just wiped out the entire royal line at the... wait, focus, Zorn.

Come on, keep your head in the parenting game, man.

Come on, come on...

Oh, hey, I got it!

What if we helped Alangulon become this, uh, King of Prom?

Yeah, you know, if Alan was king, I bet Layla would realize how great he is and get back with him.

So, you and me, father and stepfather, [music] mortal enemies since the dawn of time, will team up to make a king.

[laughs] Sweet Pippa Middleton, we are halfway to a royal wedding.

To King Alangulon, Son of Zorn, Ruler of Prom and the Gymnasium Where Prom... Is Gonna Be Held!

I don't think Layla is ever gonna like me again.

She thinks all I care about is being popular.

What on earth would give her the idea that you could be popular?


I'm sorry.

I just didn't think being cool was ever on your radar.

Yeah, I didn't want to be popular.

It just happened and I guess I just sort of enjoyed it.

Mm, I know that feeling. One time I was at a party, and I took what I thought was an aspirin and it was not an aspirin, but I liked it.

Like... I really liked it.

You know what, maybe I need to show Layla how much I don't care about popularity.


How do I do that?

Alan, do I look like someone who's ever been unpopular?

All righty, the first step to making a king is eliminating all of Alangulon's competition, which means we just have to k*ll every other male in his school.

The surprise is the best part. I was extra shocked when I won, considering that I went to high school with Matt Damon.

Oh, this is so much easier in Zephyria!

You know, after you m*rder your rivals, you just fill out a king application, then you do two rounds of interviews with the council of elders. Boom, boom.

Yeah, well, Fullerton Hills High doesn't have a council of elders, but they do have a prom committee, and they're always looking for, uh, parents to volunteer.

Maybe I could get us some info.

Who would have thought a real dad, a stepdad, working in perfect harm...






Hmm, which crown would look best on King Alangulon?

Eh, probably this little tiny one on the right.


Why are you on CustomCrownDepot.zef?

We're supposed to be selling soap today.

I mean, other days, too, but especially today.

Oh, I was, uh, kind of on a whole prom thing, but honestly, even if I was going to help, what would I do?

I know squat about soap.

Hell, they don't even have soap in Zephyria, and now I have to find people to buy soap, which everyone already has, even though I'm from a place that nobody has soap.

So, I mean, you know. What?

Why are you staring at me?

Zorn! Oh, thank goodness!

Our prayers have been answered!

We could really use your help here, old friend.

Vulchazor, and his army of glombeasts have us pinned down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it sounds like a pretty fierce battle going on there.

Oh, thank you.

You know, I wish I could
defend you from Vulchazor, but I left that world behind.


What I can defend you from
is blood-caked floors.


Nothing removes that greasy residue
like our industrial foaming scrub.

Now available in...

lavender breeze.

No, no, no, no, soap?

Zorn, we-we are South Zephyrian mud people.

Soap would literally k*ll us.

Oh. Uh, well, um...

Oh, wait a second. I see what you're doing Zorn.

You're going to hide inside the soap boxes and sneak att*ck Vulchazor. Oh, very smart.

Um... yeah! Yes.

Yeah, I mean, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Smart. Yes. Very smart.

A-And you know, the-the more soap you buy, the better our chances are at pulling this off.

Yes. [chuckles]

Hey, and we should probably just go ahead and set up a recurring monthly order.

You know, to really throw Vulchazor off the trail.

Brilliant idea!

Just get a bird to fly an invoice here. Ta-ta!

We're saved! [laughs]


[laughing]: Yeah!

Yeah, uh...

[laughs] That's on me.

Zorn: Yeah, you know.

Linda: I mean, I always knew you were a sex machine.

I had no idea you were a sales machine.

Zorn: Oh.

Zorn, we got big problems with the prom committee.

Her name is Shannon, she's 17, and she's got a black belt in hurting my feelings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but did you ask her if Alangulon can be prom king?

Yeah, I did, and she was like, [imitating mean girl]: "Uh, why would I do that?"

And I was like, "Because everybody deserves a chance, Shannon."

And she was like, "Uh, yeah. Nice cardigan, black Flanders."

And I was like, "That is mean and r*cist, Shannon." [sighs]

So, anyways, I don't think it's gonna happen.

Ugh. This would be so easy if I had my Zephyrian stuff.

You know I'd just walk up to Shannon, cut off her head, put a zombie parasite in her neck hole, sew her head back on, and then command Parasite Shannon to make Alangulon king.

Yeah, life's not that easy, I guess. Case in point, look at this walking stick splinter.

Oh, I'm an idiot. Of course. We still have the Staff of Quiv!

I mean, that's like a zombie parasite without all the pesky, decapitating and, uh, recapitating.

To reiterate, we cannot k*ll anyone.

No. We don't need to. We can use the Staff of Quiv to make everyone vote for Alangulon.

Oh, and then maybe we can use it to sell soap.

Not now, Linda. This is important. It's prom.

I donated the Staff of Quiv to Goodwill.

You what?!

Edie, that walking stick was a real conversation starter on my power-walking route.

I'm sorry, Craig, but sometimes we have to give away the things we love because they control people's minds.

And Zorn, why do you want it?

I thought you'd given up all things Zephyrian.

I... have.

I was just testing you to see if you also gave up all, you know, uh, Zephyrian magic items.

And you passed, so uh, mazel tov! Hey Craig, buddy, can I talk to you outside real quick?

Yeah, sure.

Come on!

This is not good, Zorn.

No, I know.

The Staff of Quiv is far too powerful to be sitting on the shelf of some thrift store.

I mean, if it falls into the wrong hands, it could be the end of Zephyria.

And I'm under pressure from the prom committee to deliver perfect place settings, and Jessica won't because she's all, "Shannon will hate anything we do, so why bother?"

And they both refuse to accept the fact that we're way over budget.

Oh! No, right.

Right, right, right. No, The prom needs money.

That's, that's what's important here.

I'll tell you exactly what I told Shannon.

Proms are not free, and my arms are a perfectly normal length for my body type.

Oh! Wait a second.

I happen to know of a company that recently came into a lot of money.
Host: Luxury foam hand soap, antibacterial foam hand soap and instant hand sanitizer in tropical, citrus spice or fragrance-free.

I hope you learned a lot about bathroom supplies over the last 40 minutes.

And remember, don't be part of the sanitation problem, be part of the Sanitation Solutions.

[air horns bl*wing, music begins playing]

♪ Tonight, I can have some fun... ♪

Ugh, this is so tacky.

You guys are lucky I just got in over my head borrowing money from the prom fund and needed a last minute bailout.

And hopefully you learned a valuable lesson about respecting other people, and their body shape.

Shannon, for the record, I love your sense of humor.

No, truly. Dry, it's cutting. Don't ever change. Okay?

Now what do you say we make Alangulon king?

Fine, I'll make your loser son prom king. All hail Alvin.

Alan: Well, this should prove I don't care what people think.

Hey, everybody! My mom is my prom date everyone.

Okay, give me... give me a kiss.

Yeah yeah.

Oh yeah. Perfect.

There's Layla.

Oh, oh, oh. Hey hey.


You have a smudge.

I'm not saying that to embarrass you.

You actually have a smudge.

This is good. Yeah. [clears throat]

Uh, Layla.

Hey, is that Layla? [chuckles]

Yeah, I forget, is it, uh, the cool new thing to have your mom as your prom date?

I don't know, Alan.

Isn't wanting to be cool kind of your thing.


Yeah, look at me. I'm just the coolest guy here.

Right? Super cool guy.

Is that a smile I detect?

Maybe. Hey, Mrs. B.

What's the matter, you couldn't get another guy to ask you out?

Edie: Well, that was promising.

Unless you think she's actually jealous because I'm such a good catch?

No, you're my mom, remember?



That's right. That's right. Ooh.

Yeah. I like that.

Yeah, do that. Keep it up.

She's my mom. Yeah.

What? What!

I'm kidding.

She's crazy.

I'm kidding.

[phone ringing]

Formal Zorn on the horn.

Linda: Zorn... Gosh. Funny you should mention horns.

We just got our payment in from Zephyria.

Hey, that's great.

I told you Zephyrians are too dumb to commit fraud.

Yeah, and they're also too dumb to use actual money.

They paid us in 20 Zephyrian goats.

And there was a note attached to one of the goats' horns.

It says "Help us, Zorn, you're our only hope."

And it's covered in bloody child-size fingerprints.

Oh. So you didn't specify PayPal, huh?


Um, hey.

We'll talk about that later. Okay, bye.

So pretty.

[goats bleating]


Go on!

Edie. What are you doing here?

I'm Alan's prom mom.

We're gonna make it a new thing.


But we did come up with a plan to win Layla back.

I just have to convince her the last thing I want to do is be popular.

Um, y-you don't want Layla to think you're popular?

Hey, you know what? This prom sucks. [chuckles]

I say we get out of here, you know... [feedback from mic]

Shannon: All right, let's get this, uh, prom king stuff rolling, because my friends are doing all my dr*gs right now.

No, no, no, no. Shut up.

Psst! Stop.

Anyway, uh...

Shut up. Shut up, lady.

I guess it's Alan.

Son of Zorn, or whatever.

♪ Simply the best ♪

No. Oh, no. That... That's not me.

That's a mistake, no.

♪ Better than all the rest ♪

What are you kidding...

Are you kidding me? That's not right.

There's got to be, like, a mistake here.

Oh... Layla?

♪ Better than anyone ♪

Hey, hey, hey!

Girl that Alangulan likes whose name I forget. Wait, okay?

I promise, he's a loser. He's bad at everything.

In fact, when he was a baby he would cry after his own farts 'cause they scared him.

[all groaning, clamoring]

♪ I hang on every word you say... ♪

Layla, please, stop!

[music stops]

Whoa, okay, I don't like any of this.

I don't even want to be up here. I don't.

Trust me, I don't want him up here, either.

I just did it because his weird dad and his sidekick made me.

Ooh, cool! I guess I am kind of your sidekick.

Alan: Hey, Layla. Look, okay, you are smart, and funny, and beautiful, and you take care of your sister and your depressed mom.

And you still find time to do those awesome collages about all your family issues, and okay, I don't care what anyone here thinks about me except for you.

I don't even care about this stupid crown.

[crowd gasping]

Ugh! My eye!

[crowd booing]

Boo! You totally missed his other eye!

Okay, uh, do I need to continue this social su1c1de?

No, no, you're good. Come on.

♪ Simply the best ♪


♪ Better than all the rest... ♪

I don't care. Boo!

I got these, uh, flowers for you. Huh? You can have them.

Thank you.

Those are roses.

No, no, no. Alangulon please, wait... I never talked to you about the birds and the bees and your two penises!

I mean, I don't know if you have an uppy-downy or a side-by-side?

[all groaning, clamoring]

Alan: Hey, thanks for giving me so many chances.

Sorry about the whole prom thing, and... and the football thing.

And that whole thing in the hallway, with the...

It's okay. You're kind of a d*ck when you get popular.

But it's, like, what are the chances of that happening again? [chuckles]

[goats bleating]

You're right.

It's way better with the goats watching.

Hey, Todd. You're, uh, you're back already?

Yeah, I cut my training short when accounting notified me of a $10,000 expense!

Well, I mean, you know, we don't know anything about that.

Do we, Linda?

Really? Because the memo on the P.O. says, "Zorn's kid's prom. Eat a fat one, Todd!"

[laughs] Yeah.

If it helps, Todd, my son got laid last night. Can't put a price on that.

Well, I mean you could, but that'd be weird.

Linda: And you are the boss now. So, in a lot of ways, this is really a reflection of your abilities as a leader.

You're right. I-I'm responsible now.

And I failed. There's only one honorable thing left to do.

Todd, you're fired, buddy.

It's been an honor serving you, sir.

[whispers]: Okay.

[goats bleating]

Psst. How long do you think until he notices the goats?

From Washington, I'm Lakshmi Singh.

Its been six weeks since Vulchazor's surge in Zephyria.

Accounts of t*rture, looting, and insane cackling have been reported.

There still has been no sign of the man Zephyrians call their defen...

So hey, where's Alangulon?

Edie: Oh, he's at the doctor.

I assume it has something to do with the goat meat you gave us.

Oh, please, the odds of a person getting sick from the same strain of hepatitis those goats d*ed from are astronomical, okay?

Mm. You know, Edie, we married too soon.

Because I'm in love with this Chablis!

Oh. [laughs]

Linda: Pretty good huh?

Craig: Mm.

Linda: Cost 30 bucks. But hey.

I can afford it. Because I am the boss again, and I'm dating the head of Sanitation Solutions Zephyrian sales department.

Edie: Uh, I still don't understand how you make money when half of your clients pay you with meat.

Zorn: Yeah, but we sell the goat meat to the trolls who paid us in cursed treasure.

Witches take the treasure, give us back the curses, which we sell to wizards who pay us in bitcoin.

So simple, and yet, the best plans always are.

Edie: Hey, Alan.

Are you okay?


The doctor told me something pretty crazy.

Evidently, I... am pregnant.

You're pregnant?

Get out of my house, you whore!

Edie: Zorn! Sit down!

Uh, I'm sorry. How? You are a boy, right?

What? Yes! Yeah, I'm a...

Why does everyone always ask that? Look, okay, I'm just gonna tell you what doctor Klorpins said.

This thing on my shoulder is just an ingrown hair, and... that I'm pregnant.

You're 17! You didn't use protection?

What were you thinking?

Yeah! Alangulan, what the hell?

You have shamed this family for the last time.

Uh, Zorn. We're not angry.

Wait, we're not? Okay. Got to be honest, Edie.

Kind of following your lead here. I-I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry. Can someone please explain what's happening here to the one person who doesn't know what the hell is going on?

Well, Linda, it's simple.

When a Zephyrian man loves a woman, sometimes one of the man's penises sucks a woman's egg out of her uterus into the man's he-womb, where it is fertilized, and then grows inside the man until it's big enough to bite its way out of the man's lower back.

And then, birds and bees swarm the mess left on the ground.

Alan: Wait, what? O-Okay, I got to sit down.

It's good thinking. Use that lower back while you still got it.

[Alan groans] EDIE: Alan. Alan... your back is gonna be fine.

Everything's gonna be fine, because we're gonna deal with this as a family.

Oh, my God. Layla.... she's gonna be a dad.

I guess I'm gonna be a grandpa.

We're gonna be gran-partners in crime. [laughs]

I'm drunk.

Zorn: Yeah, yeah. Hey, you know what?

This celebration's missing something.

Right? Uh, balloons!

You guys stay here. I'm gonna go get some.

Linda: Damn it. Getting balloons was gonna be my excuse to rush out of here.

Well, you've really done it, Zorn.

You got a great job, a smoking girlfriend, and now, you're gonna be a grandpa.

Tell you what, on occasions like this, you just got to spring for the custom balloons.

[tires screeching, door opens]

Zorn: Hey! Whoa, Whoa! Get off of me!

Who are you? [grunting] My balloons!

So everyone else thinks Dad's coming back, right?

Linda: Of course he is. Well, at least, he better.

We're watching Southern Charm tonight, and I wait for no man.

I'm sure it's just taking a long time to get balloons.

I'm gonna get dessert.

Whew, it's about time.

That sack smelled like the inside of a sack I used to pee in.

God help you if it was the same sack.

Oh, I assure you, it's the same sack.



Tell me. Where's the Staff of Quiv?

No, no, no! I don't have it.

No, I'm out of the game! I had a very successful garage sale!

What? A garage sale?


Oh, that sounds very believable.


No, you... no, no. You don't understand! My family!


Let me go!

You have to let me go!

[cackling] I sell soap now! Soap! [cries]

[evil cackling]


[lasers f*ring]

Oh, it's genius! Genius, I... [splat]
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