08x21 - Alone Time

[bunniefuu]

Daddy, want to come throw with me?

- Oh, I'm actually in the middle of...

- Not you.

- Okay.

- Oh, uh, yeah, but just for a bit while, uh, Gloria and Joe go through some of your old toys in the garage.

- I'll fly there.

- Mm-hmm.

GLORIA: Okay, vamanos!

Kid loves that cape.

So, I see your stance on sons wearing accessories has evolved.

The cape gives him superpowers.

What did leg warmers give you?

Flair. They gave me flair.

Leave me alone, okay?

Everybody, leave me alone.

Hey! What's all that?

(sighs) I just... I'm sorry.

I just need a night away.

- Here. Want to help?

- I don't do that.

Okay.

It's just... it's been a lot recently, you know, coming off of a really long trial, Cam's spring cleaning frenzy, hauling Lily all over for softball, pretending to care about softball.

Oh, I get needing time away.

I was married to your mother.

Like you are now.

I have it all planned out.

I drive to the desert.

I check into the Markham... a few hours by the pool, massage, then I head downstairs for a juicy steak frites, just me and my book, which can't talk to me.

- So do it.

- (sighs)

Asking Cam to go away alone is three weeks of wounded crazy that I... I don't want to deal with right now.

Don't ask, tell. Isn't that what you fought for?

Okay, I don't know what to address first.

Uh, Jay, Gloria's ready to go.

All right. Take it easy.

You have a good one, too... Mrs. Tucker.

- (door closes)

- (chuckles)

Why'd he call you Mrs. Tucker?

Why does he wear those boxy jeans? I don't know.

No, seriously. W-Why is he messing with you?

(sighs) All right, yeah, what the hell.

Um, I told him how I would love to go to the desert for a night.

- Okay, yeah. Fun. Let's go!

- Hold, please.

How I would love to go to the desert for a night alone.

- I don't care.

- All right.

If you want to go alone, go alone. I don't care.

Oh, see, you said "I don't care" twice.

Because that's how much I don't care.

Why are you still here?

Cam, don't be hurt. I'm not running from you.

- Here.

- And I'm not folding that.

I just wanted a night alone, okay?

Lily's going to that sleepover tonight.

- It seemed like a good night to do it.

- So, go!

You know, I don't love the implication that I'm so needy I can't spend one night by myself.

I didn't say that.

You didn't not say that.

And you're not not being needy.

Well, to show you how not needy I am, I... will pack your bag for you.

It's already packed?

Oh, yeah, well, this is the third time I've tried asking you.

Bye. I love you. Okay.

♪ ♪

- PHIL: Oh, hello, Claire.

- Hi, honey.

I just got back from the most beaut... Oh!

Oh, indeed.

Welcome to your pre-recorded seduction.

Mama likes!

Papa knows.

That's right.

I know my wife so well, I was able to anticipate her questions before she asked them.

Well, this is kind of fun.

The sexiest?

I don't know. The world's a pretty big place.

Help yourself to a glassof wine, my love.

Oh, it's kind of early in the day, but how often do we get the house completely to ourselves?

Easy, thirsty!

I've got plans for you.

Hint... this won't be the last time you see me on a sheet today.

(snaps fingers)

Now you.

Well, I guess your beautiful lunch will have to wait.

(door opens)

Someone's here! No, Claire!

- What?

- Yes, Claire.

Show me those pretty feet.

- How do you turn this thing off?

- The sheet said yes.

You know what's not real conducive to studying?

nerds crying in every different Asian language!

You knew finals were coming, people.

Calm the hell down!

LUKE: Oh, good. You're here.

Do we have any corn?

What is happening? Are those chickens?

Epic senior prank.

Don't make it too epic.

- How will you top it next year?

- Get them out. Get them out.

- Now, now, now.

- I need to grab something upstairs.

Oh, God. Come on, guys.

- (door opens, closes)

- The door!

What is going on?

Guess who I found driving through the neighborhood who insisted on stopping over to say hi with his new wife and her kids!

It was me! Dylan.

- You know, from before?

- BOTH: Yeah.

Mr. and Mrs. D, this is my wife, Dr. Elaine Kolchuck.

Doctor?

Yeah, I don't know why he does that.

And these are my beauties, Betty and Janice.

- CLAIRE: Mm-hmm.

- And this is my son Douglas.

(chuckles) Your son.

That's not weird.

Anyway, I just wanted to pick something up that I left here.

(drawer opens)

Bam!

Oh, wait. Uh...

Bam! Your dad did that.

Yellow's the hardest side.

- (cr*ck)

- Ah.

What was that sound? What happened?

LUKE: Broke the banister. I'll fix it!

- What's this thing?

- (beep)

- No! No!

- Oh!

- Oh, no!

- And now...

- No, no, no, no!

- ... a treat for you.

No! No!

- Everybody go home!

- (seductive music plays)

No!

♪ Watching sports with my feet on the table ♪

♪ This is the best ♪

♪ This is the best ♪

♪ Being alone is the best ♪

- "Rescue Me."

- What?

That was the name of the TV show I couldn't remember at dinner last week.

Come on. Let's pop it in.

No. It's a bad time, Cam.

Turns out, it wasn't the allergies.

I feel terrible.

You shouldn't be close to me.

I don't want to get you sick.

Oh, gosh. No danger of that.

I have the immune system of a horse.

When I was a kid, I needed a transfusion, and there was a mix-up with the vials.

I've contacted Marvel Comics repeatedly, but they don't seem interested.

Come on. I'll make you some chicken soup.

Manny! Hey, hey!

And who is this?

Cam, this is Sierra, my...

Gosh, what would you call us at this point?

Teacher-assigned study partners.

As you can see, I've got a lot of work to do, so...

Yeah, we only have another half-hour.

I promised my dad I'd get an oil change.

- Oh, well, Manny can do that.

- Really?

Yeah! Pull your car into the garage.

Just be careful not to hit his weight set or his power tools.

Wow. That would be awesome.

Cam, I know you're trying to help, but stop.

I'm clueless about cars, and I really don't want her hitting Mom's weight set.

I'm gonna talk you through it.

Okay, missy, whatever you're working on over here,

- let me take over.

- No, no, no. You can't.

This is my abuela'sspecial fever cure.

Please hand me the dried scorpion.

You're gonna eat this?

No, don't be stupid.

I am gonna wrap it in a rag and I am gonna let it soak into my head.

Okay. You know what?

Let's get you to bed, and I will bring it to you.

- I can follow a recipe. Go on.

- No, no, no. It's...

- Go on.

- Be careful.

All right. Ground chicken beak.

Mashed crickets.

(gasps) Ew! Cilantro? Ugh.

I'll grab your room key.

Restroom's over there.

Thank you so much. I just drove the whole way.

I had a huge iced tea, and...

What am I doing? You know why people pee. Okay.

Hey, Colin. Might have been hasty turning down that site map.

I've walked into the same Bar Mitzvah twice now.

Hey!

- Whatcha doing here?

- Me?

- Mm-hmm.

- You said Cam wouldn't let you come.

I thought it was safe.

Safe to what, steal my special day?

Well, you made it sound so good!

The pool, the steak, no one to talk to.

Well, now we have someone to talk to. Thanks a lot.

Look, the place is gigantic.

You do your thing, I'll do mine.

Oh, my God. Dad, you even stole the book that I'm reading.

When you were over at the house, I peeked at the jacket.

I'm not gonna read something Larry King called "Crazy good"?

Fine. I'll see you back in civilization, okay?

Thank you. Okay.

- Uh, you sure you don't need a site map?

- Oh, no. I'm fine.

I've been here a million times. Thank you so much.

- ("Hava Nagila" plays)

- GUESTS: Mazel tov!

Are you trying to make me fail?!

Sweetheart, I know that you're stressed, and we are so proud... that you stopped pulling out your eyelashes.

So proud. We are a little concerned about this new, uh,

- pen-up-the-nose tic.

- It's... it's not a tic!

It's just something some people do occasionally.

- Where is it...

- It's right... it's right...

- You got it right there.

- Ah! Damn it!

- (sighs)

- (laughing) I mean, the crazy thing is

I'm happy Dylan found that old lady with those hideous kids.

I mean, how funny is it (voice breaking) that he is the one that settled down and is doing so great while I'm alone basically forever?

(laughs)

Could you please go be tragic somewhere else?

- (pounding)

- (gasps)

- Dylan, are you back?

- LUKE: I'm fixing the banister!

(groans) This is a nightmare!

You're not better than us.

I am so much better than you!

I'm not the one with the pen up her nose.

(groans)

At least I have a boyfriend.

(gasps) Who says that?

- Uh-oh!

- Oh, God.

- Oh, God!

- Haley crying about Dylan, Alex freaking out about school, this is like a big déjà vu.

No, déjà vu is when you imagine that you've seen something before.

This is just vu!

In hindsight, I should have pulled my head out before I nailed the post back in.

Buddy...

- Live and learn.

- If only you ever did.

(groans)

Okay.

I think I may have gone too deep this time.

Sweet Caligula, that's a lot of blood.

Why would Dylan change his phone number?

Do you know how long it took him to memorize the last one?!

Both sides now?

Don't hate this glue smell.

Now comes the blood-loss migraine.

Oh, you know what? I-I can go get some medicine.

Oh, no. You know, I can do that.

Actually, my car's blocking your car.

Yeah, that's not a big deal. You know why?

Because I can take your car instead of mine! Bye!

No. No, no, no! No way!

- Oh, my God.

- Knock it off!

Mind your own business!

I would love to.

But now I'm wondering if all that gasping is about something I've already read or something coming up!

I'm on page .

Don't tell me that!

Now I know there's a gasp coming in pages.

(chuckles)

Of course. You're following me.

Oh, I-I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else.

What the hell did I just witness?

Oh, good Lord.

Oh! Good Lord!

Tell me about this sea bass special again.

Mediterranean prep, en papillote...

Oh. Really?

Yeah. Baked in paper with tomato, red pepper, capers, onion, olives.

Literally my favorite fish dish.

Would you recommend that over the steak?

Hey, I was kind of in the middle of my own thing here.

Would you recommend it over the steak?

- They're both great.

- Fine. Steak.

Stick with the plan.

And I'll have a glass of the Merryvale Cab.

Yeah, me too. Thank you.

Sorry, the Merryvale Ca...

uh, doesn't come by the glass.

It-it seems like you two know each other.

You could split the fish and steak and share the bottle of wine.

Not doing that.

Never said we were.

This is actually my dad.

I came here for some alone time, but he copycatted me.

He said he wasn't coming because his scary partner said he couldn't.

Scary husband!

Still hits my ear wrong.

Wow. So, you're not even gonna...

I-I'm sorry.

Uh, just, my dad passed away when I was , and I'd love to have dinner with him again.

Oh, Austin. That's so sad.

Terrible story.

Makes you think.

Anyway, I'll have a glass of any of the reds.

White for me. Thank you.

I'm sorry, buddy. I didn't mean to pull your leg so hard.

- What?!

- Dylan was my romantic safety net.

How is a person supposed to live without one?

Alex, I'm asking!

It is scientifically impossible for me to care less about your... Ow!

Head down, honey.

- What?!

- Where is your mom?

She's been gone for over an hour.

She's just sitting in the car.

- What?!

- What?!

She's just sitting... never mind!

(sighs)

Oh! Hi.

Hi. How long you been sitting out here?

That's a weird question.

I literally just drove in.

Oh.

- (knocking)

- Aah!

Sorry. We usually try to get here in under minutes.

Yeah, thank you. Okay.

Thank you.

Oh, God. Phil...

I can't go back in there.

I'm sorry. I tried.

I opened the door, but my legs wouldn't move.

Honey...

Drive.

What? What about Alex's pills?

(Pills rattle, thud)

- Drive.

- Oh!

So... so we're running away from home.

I mean, i-i-is that okay?

Yes. We live with three adults.

We're basically landlords in an apartment building.

- We're the Ropers!

- Yes! Yes!

We could just drive and drive.

Exactly! We've earned the right to live the empty-nesters' life even though we're still full-nesters.

Oh, my God! Do you remember that bottle of wine we put aside the night Haley was born?

Yes! We were gonna open it the night all three of them moved out.

- Uh-huh.

And watch one of the thousands of movies we missed 'cause they were sick or hungry or choking on the head of a Power Ranger.

I am a woman who has never seen "Thelma and Louise."

That's the only Harvey Keitel movie I've missed!

- Where are we going?

- Let's let the universe decide.

"Family is a gift you receive every day."

So they're making sarcastic ones now?

(both laugh)

- Squirrel!

- (tires screech)

- Uh-oh.

I think we just ruined someone's graduation.

CAMERON: Hey.

- Ay!

- I must have fallen asleep.

- I don't see how.

The fumes coming off of that potion are something else.

Yes. When we're done with this, don't throw it out because with a teaspoon, I can clean the swimming pool.

- (cellphone chimes)

Okay, Manny needs to see me in the garage.

- I will be right back.

- Yeah, but come right back because this cannot stay longer than five minutes.

Oh, and just for fun, what would happen if it stayed on for, say, I don't know, ?

Well, they say that...

Ay, no!

No!

You used Joe's cape for the smelly thing?

You know how important this is for him?

- No.

- It goes me, the cape, chocolate chip cookies, and then Jay!

Well, can't we just say Jay ruined it, since he's already so far down the list?

Has anyone seen my cape?

Uh, no. What's it look like?

Like a cape!

Sorry. It's just so stressful.

- (cellphone chimes)

- You know what? I have to go to Manny.

Then I'll clean Joe's cape. Then I'll be back.

It's okay. Go.

We will all be waiting for you here in Cancún.

(cellphone chimes)

Something's wrong.

There's oil everywhere!

Well, you probably just need to tighten the drain plug.

- (gasps)

- Oh!

(air hissing)

You popped her tire?!

It's okay. It's all right.

Where does Jay keep his patch kit?

It took me minutes to find the light switch.

I'm gonna know where a patch kit is?

Don't panic. I saw one here earlier.

Oh, oh!

Here it is.

- Oh, no! No!

- What?

That's Joe's cape!

(gasps) Oh, no!

Joe loves this cape more than anything.

It goes me, the cape, chocolate chip cookies...

- Almost done, Manny?

Oh, hey.

Yeah, well, he would be if I wasn't out here asking him so many questions about, you know, how to... how to patch a tire, but... like he said, the directions are written clearly down inside the patch kit.

And then if you get in a real jam, there's tons of videos online, anyway.

Shouldn't we give him some space?

Maybe get some... some tea?

Oh!

So, do you have a date for spring formal?

I probably won't even go.

I have nothing to wear.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

It's not that big of a deal.

I mean, people are starving.

Oh.

This isn't a sign, is it?

Well, it's not a sturdy one, but they're only fifth-graders.

No! No, that we shouldn't have run away!

No. We're just gonna tie this off, hit the open road, and keep driving until the toilets flush in the other direction.

Oh, God! Oh, no! It's floating away!

Oh! Oh, okay!

It's caught in the tree. We can reach it.

- Get on my shoulders!

- What?

Right! Oh, yeah, right. Oh!

Okay, I forgot about that. Oh, wait. Go forward!

It's too high!

Just reach for the string! Are you reaching for the string?

No, I'm pretending I'm at a Def Leppard concert!

It's right there! Just grab it!

I can't reach it, Phil!

I can't reach "The Next Chapter!"

Oh, my God. Let me down. Let me down.

- What?

- Let me down.

What?

Don't you see what the universe is trying to tell us?

We are never gonna reach the next chapter.

Luke's not going to college.

Haley's gonna grow old in the basement.

Alex is just gonna keep coming back to taunt us and use up our tissues!

I don't think the universe cares that much about us.

Phil, we tried to run away, and I can still see our chimney from here.

It's over.

Oh, yeah.

This is it.

"Welcome... "to our life!"

- Ha!

Sweetheart, I-I am as upset as you are, but since when did anything work out the way we planned?

We didn't plan on having Haley.

We didn't plan on having Alex.

We did plan on having Luke, but we didn't plan on having Luke.

I'm having a tantrum.

And I love our kids, I do.

Most of the time, I do.

It's just I had this... this picture of how our life would look right now.

(sighs)

- This is not that.

- No.

Yeah.

I get it.

(sighs)

Maybe... maybe we don't have throw away the picture.

Just refocus it a little.

(both chuckle)

Lug nut. Tire iron.

Flugel hammer. Pigeon door.

These are all nonsense words to me.

I don't know what I'm doing here.

Yeah, well, I don't know what I'm doing here, either.

Am I so incapable of spending a night alone (straining) that I had to come over here and create all this drama?

No wonder Mitchell wanted to get away from me.

- (door opens)

- Hello?

Oh! Hey, well, thank you, Manny, for letting me tighten that last wheel screw.

Maybe next week you could teach me how to street punch?

Yeah. Sure!

Wow.

Cam found it upstairs for me.

It's one of your mom's dresses. Isn't that crazy?

I can see running it by a therapist.

So, car looks done.

Do you maybe want to, I don't know, go get something to eat?

Uh, sure! But I'm a little dirty.

So? It's cute.

(chuckles)

A word?

See?

Good as...

No!

- Oh.

- It looks like a monster ate it!

Exactly.

See? It tells a story.

This burn is from when you fought a dragon!

A-And these oil stains?

Well, they're from when you saved that -wheeler from going off a bridge.

This is the cape of a superhero who's always there for people in need.

Wow!

Fly away!

That was so nice, Cam.

Oh, thanks. You look better.

And your fever's gone.

I don't know what you put in my abuela's potion, but it took care of the fever faster than ever.

Look! It even made my teeth whiter, huh?

Oh! Wow. Look at that.

Here I was b*ating myself up because I couldn't be alone, and... one could argue that everybody in this house is a little better off because of it.

Well, I lost a dress and the house smells like smoke, so I wouldn't be high-fiving myself that much.

Ah, yes, sir?

Right?

(scoffs)

Nobody keeps me on edge for pages then decides they're just done writing.

Either end the damn story or don't even write it!

Yes, exactly.

God, for a minute, I thought I missed something.

You did.

The chance to read a great book on your one night alone.

Well, at least the steak was good, right?

Nice cut. Perfectly cooked.

Terrific wine.

(laughs)

What? What's... what's funny?

You.

The steak, the book, hell, this whole trip.

You're turning into me!

No. No. Unh-unh.

No, no, no. Dad. No, no.

Hey. You're turning into me.

How?

The fact that you stayed with that book at all, which is basically a love story between two men.

- It's a buddy thing!

- Oh, please!

Buddies don't find that many opportunities to skinny-dip together.

Every time they saw a body of water, it was off with the pants, splash!

Come on. You're just making it worse.

Oh, my God! Your hands!

That's what your spa appointment was.

You got a manicure.

It's because Gloria said that my hands were too rough.

It was her idea.

Considerate... that's me.

Running from your family... that's me.

Yeah, yeah.

Ah, I guess it's possible that we both moved... to the center a little.

Yeah, well, it makes sense.

It definitely makes things easier between us.

A little less distance.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh, hey, um... here's a... it's a crazy thought.

There's... there's something old us could never do without tears and screaming that I think new us might be able to handle.

It might help me out at home, you know, if... if you're game.

Lead with your elbow.

Shift your weight.

Follow through.

- That's not bad.

- No, it wasn't good, but I'm not crying and you haven't called me "missy", so let's keep going.

♪ ♪

(voice breaking) They had no choice.

The light turns red when you put something on it, green when the hook is free.

- I call it a Smart Hook.

- So smart.

I got the idea...

- when I was in a parking garage.

- Uh-huh.

- You know those little lights...

- Oh, God, Dad. No, don't look.

- Don't look.

- What are they doing here?

They're not gonna want to have brunch with us, are they?

They can't! This is our day!

- You think they see us?

- Hmm.

Just keep walking.

No sudden movements.

The site map says there's another café...

- My book.

- Leave it!