13x13 - Devil's Bargain

[bunniefuu]

EXT: Monroe City, Missouri – Sidewalk – Day

Girl: I think I just fell for you.

Guy: I’d catch you anytime you fell.

Lucifer: Nice job. Another happy beginning. Right? Cupid.

LUCIFER: Oh…that’s very good. But I need seconds, where can I find more angels?

CUPID:

LUCIFER: Where do I find more angels?

CUPID: I don’t know. There, there aren’t many of us left.

LUCIFER: Don’t lie to me.

CUPID: I’m not. Please leave.

LUCIFER: Oh..okay okay. Poor cupid. Fine. You know, without your grace you’re only human, so you should be careful. Accidents can happen. (Shoves his fist through Cupid’s chest) Like that. Sorry.

INT: Bunker Dean, Sam and Cas sitting at a table

DEAN: Let me get this straight – you were kidnapped, weeks ago, locked up. Cas, I just talked to you on the phone.

CAS: No. No. Asmodeus had my phone. You’ve been talking to him.

SAM: What did he want with you?

CAS: Well, he must have wanted Lucifer. I just, I just happened to be in proximity.

SAM: Lucifer? No no.

DEAN: No no we slammed his ass back to Apocalypse World how did–

CAS: Kevin Tran.

DEAN: Kevin Tran.

CAS: Apocalypse World version, yes. We managed to open a rift using Lucifer’s grace.

SAM: They have an angel tablet?

CAS: Yes. And the archangel, Michael, again the Apocalypse World version, wants to use the spell to inv*de and conquer our world. That’s why I met with Lucifer.

DEAN: So...You met ... Cas, I specifically told you not to do anything stupid.

CAS: Well, he was weak and given the context of our imminent annihilation it didn’t seem stupid. Lucifer wanted to help fight Michael.

SAM: Oh yeah, Lucifer wanted to help, sure.

CAS: If he were lying I’d have known it. He was, he was scared. But Asmodeus showed up before we could finish our conversation and when we finally managed to escape Lucifer did try to k*ll me.

DEAN: Oh so much for helping.

SAM: He say anything about our mom?

CAS: She’s alive. That’s all I know. I’m sorry.

LUCIFER: Nothing but humans. Not a wing flapper in sight.

LUCIFER: What? What are you gawking at? You never seen the prince of darkness before, pal? Turn around. Come on man.

What? Hungry? Ew... (sees sign for a burger and fries) Seriously?

INT: Needham Asylum Asmodeus on throne

ASMODEUS: It was a simple task. All these fools had to do was keep Lucifer on ice till I returned from an important errand.

KETCH: Frankly, I’m shocked you left.

ASMODEUS: I believe I said it was an important errand. (Ketch just glares at Asmodeus)

My initial thought was to take Lucifer prisoner but that’s proven to be a...

KETCH: Monumentally stupid?

ASMODEUS: Indeed. So, take two. I want you to k*ll him.

KETCH: k*ll, the Devil?

ASMODEUS: Oh, he’s runnin’ on empty. Nice angel blade to the heart and he’ll go down. Probably. Do it fast, though. Before he fills the t*nk.

KETCH: And if he does?

ASMODEUS: Oh. Well then I believe we’re all dead.

EXT: Monroe City – benches on sidewalk

LUCIFER: (holding a tin can) Give me some money. Come on man... (as man puts money in Tim’s box)

TIM: Bless you sir.

LUCIFER: Gag me. Money. Or your jacket. Money please. Come on... (as people continue to put money in Tim’s box and none to Lucifer) What’s the matter with you?!?!

TIM: Hey, just so you know, it’s your vibe.

LUCIFER: Oh, it’s my vibe?

TIM: It’s off putting. People don’t, people don’t take to you.

LUCIFER: Yeah, well, maybe because isn’t me. I, I don’t need money, or food or warmth, or dental floss or any of that crap. Being human sucks.

TIM: Yeah, but, what’s the alternative?

LUCIFER: Don’t even get me started, pal. Can I have that, please? (to stranger walking by)

TIM: Well, closing time. You hungry?

LUCIFER: Hey, hey, aren’t we going inside the restaurant there to eat, to eat a little dinner?

TIM: No, almost there. Come on.

LUCIFER: Ohhhh Come on....

TIM: Corelli’s lasagna...kills. Frankly it’s better the next day. (hands Lucifer a container from dumpster)

LUCIFER: OOOkay, yeah, why don’t we uh...why don’t we take that big pile of cash you got there and go inside the restaurant and get a dinner that’s botulism light?

TIM: Oh no. That money is going right into the old leg fund.

LUCIFER: The old leg fund? Look, I got news for you, your leg is sh*t. No doctor’s going to help you with that so we might as well–

TIM: I’m not blowing my money on doctors. I’m going to see Sister Jo.

LUCIFER: Sister Jo?

TIM: She don’t come cheap but she can heal anything.

LUCIFER: She’s a faith healer? Okay, let you down easy.. She’s a fake. They’re all fake, man.

TIM: No. I’ve seen it. Boils, blindness, birth defects. She touches you, there’s this glow and you’re cured.

LUCIFER: Really??

TIM: Yeah.

INT: Bunker Dean walks in carrying demon tablet

CAS: It’s a long sh*t at best.

DEAN: Yeah, well, most of what we do are long sh*ts, you get used to it. Cas, I’m sorry. All that time you were with Asmodeus, I should have known it wasn’t you.

CAS: No, he’s a shapeshifter. Besides, I was the one who got myself captured.

DEAN: Yeah, but if Sam and I knew you know we would have–

CAS: Yeah, I know you would have tried another long sh*t. I’m fine, Dean.

DEAN: You sure about that?

CAS: Right now, all that matters is getting Jack and your mother out of that place. Kay? Look, I promised Kelly that I would protect her son. I intend to keep that promise.

DEAN: Hey, there he is. Donny, how you doing?

DONATELLO: Uh, the usual. Bewildered.

DEAN: Right, cool. So here’s the plan. We nab Lucifer.

SAM: If he is as weak as Cas says, then the angel cuffs should work on him.

CAS: Yeah, maybe.

DEAN: Well, maybe is all we got. So, we grab Satan, we use his grace to open a door between the two universes okay? Then we get Mom and we get Jack and then we get out. Slam the door before Michael follows us and destroys our universe. Now it’s gonna be harder than it sounds.

DONATELLO: And so the spell to open this rift is in the angel tablet.

SAM: Yeah, they are – um – on Earth 2. Except

CAS: Except we don’t have the angel tablet anymore.

SAM: No, we don’t. But we do have the demon tablet. (uncovers the tablet sitting on the tablet, Donatello picks it up)

CAS: We thought it might mention the spell as well, because it, too, is the word of God.

DEAN: And since you speak God, we figured it was right up your alley. So, give it a swing.

DONATELLO: These glyphs are nearly impenetrable.

SAM: Great. Um... Is there anything we can get you, or uh–

DONATELLO: Chicken wings.

DEAN: Excuse me?

DONATELLO: Chicken wings. Heavy lifting like this requires real brain fuel. My analysis of the half lives of the 33 arsenic isotopes – about, oh, 25 buckets.

SAM: Cas, you alright?

CAS: It’s angel radio. A vessel was found last night, mutilated.

DONATELLO: Wait... Who’s k*lling angels?

SISTER JO: Don’t be afraid.

YOUNG MAN: Thank you. (crying) Thank you.

SAM: So according to the report, the vic d*ed from trauma. Something blunt driven through the body. There was also a slit in his neck, which means–

CAS: Lucifer fed on this angel’s grace. Which means he’s trying to restore his power and if he does–

DEAN: We’re boned.

CAS: Epically.

INT: Elkin Hall – Sister Jo is at the stage counting money

SISTER JO: We’re closed. Come back tomorrow.

LUCIFER: Oh, but I need a healing, Sister Jo. Or should I say Anael? You’re an angel.

SISTER JO: Back at ya, Lucifer.

LUCIFER: What, no eek? No spare me dark master? No quaking fear?

SISTER JO: Should I quake?

LUCIFER: Yeah, most people sorta do, yeah.

SISTER JO: I’m not most.

LUCIFER: Right... you’re special because you heal people for money. Not very heavenly I have to say.

SISTER JO: We’re not in heaven. We’re on earth. You may have noticed, around here, the good life ain’t cheap.

After the fall, all the angels were a mess. Desperate for housing, any vessel would do. And they had no long game. I, on the other hand, took some care. I listened. A woman was praying for her dying husband, so we made a trade. His life for her vessel. She was grateful. I realized humans are so desperate for life they’d do almost anything, pay almost anything. So... ka-ching. I was a so-so angel but it turns out I am an excellent businesswoman.

LUCIFER: Well, that is very impressive. (angel blade slides into his hand)

As you can see, my high octane grace is a bit low so I came for a recharge, which unfortunately doesn’t end well for you.

SISTER JO: That’s not very cost efficient. Running around, k*lling angels.

LUCIFER: What?

SISTER JO: Wouldn’t it make more sense to keep one premium angel on tap? Take a sip now. Sip later. Not taking all the grace but giving the angel time to recharge. Then, rinse and repeat.

LUCIFER: And that angel being... You’d do that?

SISTER JO: It’s better than having you suck me dry and k*ll me, isn’t it? This way I help you, you help me. Still a businesswoman.

EXT: Sidewalk benches in Monroe City

SAM: Excuse me, sir? Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

TIM: Yeah, no, I’m kind of working here man.

SAM: I’ll tell you what, I’ll be quick. I promise. Just tell me, have you ever seen this man? (holds a pic of Lucifer on phone)

TIM: Actually we had a lovely chat. He was curious about this faith healer I’m saving up to see. She’s gonna fix this leg right up. Sister Jo.

SAM: Did he, uh, believe in her?

TIM: Not at first, but after I described her skills, he was very supportive.

INT: Elgin Hall – night time

LUCIFER: Woo.

SISTER JO: Better?

LUCIFER: So much better. Ahh. That was so much more fun than my last time. Had to k*ll that guy.

SISTER JO: When was that?

LUCIFER: Two nights ago.

SISTER JO: That was you? That was all over angel radio.

LUCIFER: Yeah. Star power, can’t fight it.

SISTER JO: Did anyone know you were coming here?

INT: Elgin Hall Sam, Dean and Cas come bursting through the doors all three with angel blades drawn and are faced with Ketch

KETCH: Heheh, it’s only you.

DEAN: What the hell are you doing here?

KETCH: Do we really have to do all of this again? Last time we were together I saved your lives and you sh*t me. Doesn’t that make us even?

DEAN: No, I guess not.

SAM: Dean asked you a question. What are you doing here?

KETCH: My sources tell me Lucifer’s back, he’s weak and he’s or was in this wonderful little slice of Americana. I was going to try and k*ll him. As were you, I assume.

SAM: Okay, who are you working for?

KETCH: Isn’t it possible that I am simply trying to strike a blow for the good of humanity?

CAS: No. That’s not possible.

KETCH: Truth be told, taking out Lucifer would be an enormous feather in the cap. My business model is very, um, word of mouth.

SAM: Alright, so if Lucifer isn’t here, where is he?

KETCH: Ah, excellent question. I propose we team up. Share intel. Cover more ground. Hmm? Huzzah!

DEAN: Alright, I say we take dickbag back to the bunker and find out what he knows, put a b*llet in him and burn his bones and flush his ashes.

CAS: I like that plan.

SAM: Hey, check this out. (shows video of Sister Jo on his tablet)

DEAN: That’s Sister Jo, the faith healer?

CAS: No that’s not a, she’s an angel. Her name is Anael.

SAM: Alright, so say Lucifer drained her and k*lled her, where’s her body?

INT: Impala on road

SAM: No way.

DEAN: What you got?

SAM: So I set an alert up on my phone. It looks like Sister Jo just used her credit card.

CAS: Where?

SISTER JO: We don’t have to rush. (puts her hand on the angel blade stopping him) We can do this slowly. (helps him slice her neck and he takes some grace. This is done several times til they lay on bed.)

SISTER JO: It’s always so strange. That final moment. When I’ve lost just enough grace that I’m almost..

LUCIFER: Human?

SISTER JO: I feel emotions, sensations, things they must feel.

LUCIFER: Yeah, I had that experience. I didn’t like it. Hunger, cold, loneliness. I don’t know how they keep going.

SISTER JO: I do. When I’m in that place, I can see how there’d be pain, but there’s also hope, love even. Angels can only imagine. Sometimes I envy humans. They can be anything. Do you know what my job was upstairs? I pushed a button. A soul would come in, I’d push a button, they’d be counted and I’d wait for the next. So...

LUCIFER: Boring?

SISTER JO: Eternal. I mean, I had ideas. I saw how heaven was running and I knew how to fix it and no one would listen to me. Not Michael, not Raphael. Not Naomi. They would just send me back to push my button.

LUCIFER: So up there you’re nobody. Down here, you’re somebody.

SISTER JO: After the fall, when we lost our wings, I wasn’t devastated. I was liberated. I was finally free. But you must know how that feels.

LUCIFER: No. No I always wanted to fit in, please a father I couldn’t please. And now I’m gonna be a father. Probably screw it up like he did.

SISTER JO: Lucifer, the great and terrible.

LUCIFER: I don’t know why I said that. Stupid. I mean it’s like pretty soon I’m not going to feel anything. I mean the more I do this the stronger I get, the more “me” I become. Lucifer, Prince of Darkness, King of Lies. I’m back baby.

SISTER JO: Then what?

LUCIFER: And then I find my son and then the fun really starts.

INT: Needham Asylum. Asmodeus sitting on throne, minion enters room

ASMODEUS: This better be good news.

MINION: It is, my lord. The prophet, we found him.

EXT: Chicken Restaurant – Donatello leaving with a bucket of wings; Cas is behind him

DONATELLO: Ohh Hey! It’s you. I thought I felt a presence.

CAS: I sensed you as well. Sam and Dean are still tracking Lucifer but they asked me to check in on you.

DONATELLO: Oh, well, uh, I’m making progress with the demon tablet, but oh my goodness, it’s a challenge.

CAS: Really?

DONATELLO: I have determined though that there is definitely some kind of spell for, uh, you know, opening a door to that other world.

CAS: Well, that would be very useful.

DONATELLO: Yes, the ingredients are very very complicated. I’m just starting to, uh, decipher them.

CAS: Well let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

DONATELLO: I really doubt it. Since apparently I’m the only one on the planet who can read the damn thing. I just hope I’m in time.

CAS: You mean before Michael comes.

DONATELLO: Before anything happens to Jack or the boys’ mom. I couldn’t live with myself if they never make it out of that terrible place.

ASMODEUS: Yes, yes that would be very tragic. Forget this (as he places his hand on Donatello’s forehead). Whatever you find on that tablet you will report to me. Understand?

DONATELLO: (in a daze) yes.

ASMODEUS: Good boy. Run along now.

EXT: Motel where Sister Jo and Lucifer are staying.Dean, Sam and Cas pull up in Impala and get out.

DEAN: This is it?

SAM: Yep, last place Jo or someone used her credit card. Checked in last night.

CAS: Do you think Lucifer is with her?

DEAN: Or she’s dead. One way to find out.

LUCIFER: Would you look at this? Wrong, that’s wrong. Does anybody fact-check this stuff?

SISTER JO: Hello? My card? Of course it’s good.

SAM: (on phone)Yeah, okay. You know what, our system must be screwy. Do you mind bringing the card back so I can run it again?

SISTER JO: Okay, just a minute.

SAM: Sure I’ll be here. That’s great. Thank you. (to Dean and Cas) Well, good news, she’s alive.

CAS : Anael.

SISTER JO: Castiel. What are you doing here?

DEAN: We’re going to ask you the same thing?

SAM : We’re looking for Lucifer. Have you seen him? Do you know where he is?

SISTER JO: Yes, he’s in the room.

CAS: Has he hurt you?

SISTER JO: Not yet. He’s threatened. He wants to drain my grace.

SAM: So he’s still weak?

SISTER JO: Very. You have to help me.

DEAN: We will. But first you’re going to have to help us.

INT: Motel Room

LUCIFER: Dad’s been stealing my best lines, man.

SISTER JO: Lord Lucifer? Can you let me in? Sorry, I forgot my key.

LUCIFER: Lord Lucifer... I likey. (opens door) Booya.

DEAN: Morning sunshine.

LUCIFER: Sup, Gents? Hehehey.. ah.. oh Cas.. You’re alive. That’s awesome.

SISTER JO: They made me. They forced me to tell them how weak you still are.

LUCIFER: Well, great seeing you. It’s been a long time. Eh, nice jacket there, Dean. Your hair, Sam, it’s magnificent. Is that a leave-in conditioner you have there?

SAM: (to Sister Jo)We got this. Go.

LUCIFER: So what do we do now? You gonna k*ll me?

DEAN: Mmm, eventually. (holds up angel cuffs)

SISTER JO to Lucifer: We need to go.

LUCIFER: I just want to enjoy this for just a minute. (as he squeezes Dean, Sam and Cas) That’s good. That’s really good.

LUCIFER: (coughing) I have got to get in better shape. This is ridiculous.

INT: Motel

DEAN: Wait wait wait wait did you just...

KETCH: No, they vanished before it went off. But you’re welcome.

LUCIFER: Alright, so why did you... you know?

SISTER JO : Like I said, I help you, you help me.

LUCIFER: Right. Cool. Okay, so where on earth do we go now?

DEAN: Congratulations, you just helped Lucifer escape.

KETCH: Put another way, I opted out of my own escape and put myself in harm’s way to save your lives. Again.

SAM: Alright, alright. How did you get out of the trunk?

KETCH: I’m Ketch. I found the demon b*mb in your weapons cache and I thought with Lucifer’s weakened state it might make a dent.

CAS: Well, it seems his weakened state may have been greatly exaggerated.

SAM: Yeah, exactly, and Jo? What’s the deal with her?

CAS: I don’t know. In heaven she was nothing. She was a low level functionary.

DEAN: Yeah, well, now she’s Satan’s gal pal. That’s awesome.

KETCH: Gentlemen, this may once again fall on deaf ears but I shall have another go. Clearly, Lucifer is more dangerous than we thought. I propose we pool resources and go after him together.

SAM: Dude, why would we ever trust you?

KETCH: Fine, as proof of my sincerity, I shall come clean. I’m working for Asmodeus. Happy?

DEAN: Woah, what? How is that supposed to make us feel better?

KETCH: It’s not. It’s supposed to present an opportunity. If I’m working for him then I can pass information on to you.

CAS: Oh right. And you would do that for us?

KETCH: For everyone. I know you think I’m a monster.

DEAN: Because you are.

KETCH: But even I must draw the line somewhere. And letting Lucifer free upon the earth? Well, as it turns out, that’s my line. Not to mention the whole Michael situation. I know you want to k*ll me. I know you can’t forgive me but if you think about it I’m the lesser of, well, at least three evils. All I ask is that you wait to m*rder me until after I prove useful. Hmm?

LUCIFER: I know we’ve had our problems in the past, little family squabbles, minor little disagreements, ya know, kids being kids kind of stuff, but right now you need me.

ANGEL 1: k*ll him.

LUCIFER: Whoa, hey now. Hold on. Hold on. Number one, it’s true, I am powered down, but you can’t k*ll me.

ANGEL 1: We could try. Repeatedly.

LUCIFER: Look, number 2, I happen to know heaven is in short supply of angels. Alright, let’s face it. After Pop took a powder, your only strength, your only defense, was in numbers. Yeah? And now with the Prince of Hell physically running... hell, if the dark side makes a move, y’all are screwed. You need more you. With Dad gone and everything, I mean, who’s still up for birthing angels? Yo! Yo!

ANGEL 1: You can’t.

SISTER JO: He can, Duma.

ANGEL 1(DUMA): Who are you to speak to me?

LUCIFER: Okay, she’s with me and you’re going to listen to her. Hey, look, I was here when you, when all of you were born. I saw how the old man did it. I can make angels. Okay? And I’ll do it if...

ANGEL 1: Enough games, Lucifer.

LUCIFER: If for my incredible act of generosity you name me the undisputed and unquestioned ruler in heaven. (laughter from other angels) Yeah funny. Oh come on!! Let’s face it. You don’t want to run the place. Angels were designed to follow, not lead. Don’t give me the stink eye. It wasn’t my idea. The point is you need me. And icing on the cake, guys: how’d you like your wings back?

CAS: So, Ketch, can we trust him?

DEAN: Not even a little.

SAM: Of course not, but we need him. For now.

CAS: Right. And when we don’t?

DEAN: Guess…

SAM: Donatello? You’re doing great. It looks like you made a lot of progress.

DONATELLO: (screaming) It's like pulling friggin' teeth!! (calmly) I’m working my way through the ingredients.

SAM: Right. Okay. At least we know the spell we need is in there and we have a plan.

LUCIFER: (eyes turning red)Hail to the king, baby.

KETCH: Missed him by seconds. Rest assured, Lucifer will be found.

ASMODEUS: And k*lled. Before he causes any more problems. Or those idiot Winchesters use him to open up a gate to Michael land. Another stick up his ass archangel is the last thing I need.

KETCH: Yes, well Lucifer is getting stronger, and as good as I am, and I am very good, I don’t think even I can b*at the devil at full power.

ASMODEUS: About that... you recall the important errand I had mentioned? Word had got back to me that a certain artifact I thought had been lost forever, resurfaced. And now it’s mine. (opens case to show a blade) Beautiful, isn’t it?

KETCH: Oh yes.

ASMODEUS: The only known w*apon capable of destroying an archangel, the archangel blade.

KETCH: You’ll forgive me but my reading of the lore suggests that the blade is only effective if wielded by an archangel.

ASMODEUS: Really? Thanks for the news flash. (window in a cell opens) Allow me to make an introduction. Mr. Ketch, meet the archangel, Gabriel.



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