08x19 - Daphne Returns

[bunniefuu]

Act 1

Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa

Fade in. Roz is at a table, reading intently. Frasier comes over
with his coffee.

Frasier: Hello Roz. [she doesn’t respond] I said hello, Roz.
Roz: [looks up] Oh, sorry.
Frasier: Oh, don't be. I didn't mean to interrupt your reading.
Roz: Actually, I'm doing a little research. I have a meeting
with a publisher tomorrow. I'm thinking of writing my own
children's book.
Frasier: Really?
Roz: Yeah, it's a story my mom made up for me when I was a little
kid. I tell it to Alice all the time now, and I thought it
would be such a kick if I could get it published.
Frasier: Good for you, Roz! You know, I dabbled in juvenile fiction
myself. Yes, Niles and I when we were boys wrote a series
of stories together in which we were the heroes. Along the
lines of a "Hardy Boys" or a "Nancy Drew"...
Roz: "The Nancy Boys"?
Frasier: No. It was called "The Crane Boys Mysteries." We were two
plucky lads who used their keen psychological insights to
solve crimes brought home by their detective father.
Roz: How many of these did you write?
Frasier: Thirty-four. Let's see, there was "The Mystery of the
One-Eared Monkey", "On Your Mark, Get Set, Die!"...

Niles walks in.

Frasier: And there was the one where our father was kidnapped and the
only clue was a dented Ballantine can.
Niles: "The Suspicious Six Pack"!
Frasier: Excellent! Niles, pull up a chair.
Niles: All right, I will. I can't stay long, though. [to waitress]
Latte, to go, please. [He sits.] I'm on the way to the spa to
pick up Daphne.
Roz: Oh, that reminds me. What time should I be at the apartment
tonight?
Niles: Well, let's see. It's an hour's trip to the spa, and there's
a two hour graduation ceremony at the end of which they all
throw their fat pants into the air... let's say seven o'clock.
Roz: Okay, great. I'll see you there.
Frasier: Bye, Roz.

She grabs her things and leaves.

Niles: Speaking of Daphne, I was hoping you could spare her this
Friday. I'm planning on taking her for a weekend getaway,
where I think we may be taking our relationship to the next
level.
Frasier: Oh, my God, Niles! You're going to propose?
Niles: No, not that level, the level before that.
Frasier: You're going to ask her to move in with you?
Niles: One more level before that.
Frasier: Well, you're already dating...
Niles: No, that's two levels.

Niles makes vague motions to indicate moving on.

Frasier: Oh, for heaven's sake, just tell me!
Niles: Well, you know. We're going to... consummate our relationship.
Frasier: What? Well, uh... Gosh, it's none of my business, I just
thought you'd already reached that level.
Niles: What made you think that?
Frasier: Oh, I don't know. I guess everybody just assumed...
Niles: Who's everybody?
Frasier: Nobody. But Niles, you have been on overnight trips together,
haven't you?
Niles: Yes. But they were all perfectly chaste. Daphne wanted to
wait until the time was right. And well, we've both just
been missing each other these past few weeks, I think the
time is upon us.
Frasier: Oh, I'm so happy for you, Niles.
Niles: Thank you.
Frasier: Gosh, nobody's gonna believe you two haven't slept together.
Niles: Who's nobody?
Frasier: Nobody.

The waiter brings Niles his coffee. Putting the cup down, he gives
Niles a look and a little disbelieving shake of his head, then leaves.
FADE OUT.

Scene 2 - Niles' Mercedes

Fade in. The back seat is full of balloons. Niles is driving Daphne
back to Frasier's.

Daphne: I love you, Niles.
Niles: I love you too. Oh, hey, I got you something.

He reaches into the back seat and pulls out a gift bag he hands to
her. She pulls a red dress from it.

Daphne: Oh, Niles. It's lovely. But I already have a dress like
this.
Niles: I know. That's it. THAT'S the dress you wore five years ago
when we danced the tango.
Daphne: I don't understand.
Niles: It's for this weekend. Only this time, instead of ending in
heartache, the evening can end...in triumph.
Daphne: That's very romantic, but I'm not sure I can fit into it. Not
yet, anyway.
Niles: Oh, nonsense. You're as svelte as you ever were.
Daphne: You're sweet. And it was cute when I came out of the spa and
you pretended you couldn't see me.
Niles: Who said that? Who's in my car?

They laugh.

Niles: Well, you worked so hard, you stuck with it. I'm proud of
you.
Daphne: Actually, I'm proud of myself. The staff therapist even
complimented me on me willpower.
Niles: Oh, so you did see a therapist?
Daphne: It's all part of the program, to help you find the cause of
your overeating.
Niles: Uh-hmm. Well, if you ask me, it's a classic case of
sublimation, using substituting food for sex. I recommend
you see a certain doctor, I know very well. He can help you.
Daphne: That's not what Gloria thinks.
Niles: Gloria?
Daphne: The therapist.
Niles: Oh. My patients call me "Dr. Crane", but whatever... So,
what does Gloria think?
Daphne: She thinks I may have gained the weight as a way to create
distance between us.
Niles: Oh, and why would you want to do that?
Daphne: Well, when you and I first came together, we agreed to wait
a while before bringing the relationship into the bedroom.
Then as time went on, you told me all these stories of how you
pined for me for seven years. How I'd been your unattainable
dream. How could anyone live up to that? Gloria thinks I was
terrified of letting you down, of not being perfect, so I ate.
And ate. And, apparently, ate.
Niles: Daphne, you couldn't possibly let me down. And as for the
weight, that didn't matter. I never noticed.
Daphne: That's another thing, I gained sixty pounds. Don't you think
it's strange you couldn't see it?
Niles: No, it's not strange! I love you.
Daphne: I love you too. You know what Gloria says?
Niles: [tense] No.
Daphne: She says you couldn't see the extra weight because you were
seeing the perfect me you've carried in your head for seven
years. She calls it "looking through love goggles".

Niles reaches for his cell phone.

Niles: All righty, let's get her on the phone, shall we?
Daphne: Niles, don't. I'm not trying to upset you, I'm just telling
you what we discussed in therapy.
Niles: I understand, I understand.
Daphne: And I know how much you've been looking forward to this
weekend, but I sort this out, I may need a little more time
before I...
Niles: Say no more. We can easily postpone the weekend. Of course,
if my theory is correct, and you ARE eating as a substitute
for sex, then you're taking a terrible risk.

She laughs at this.

Daphne: I love you, Niles.
Niles: I love you too.

FADE OUT.

OF COURSE,
EDDIE GETS TEN PERCENT
OF THE ROYALTIES


Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment

Fade in. There is a big banner in front of the balcony saying
"Welcome Home, Daphne." Roz and Martin are getting the place ready.

Martin: Roz, you know, if you really want to do a kid's book, you
oughta write one about Eddie. I'd buy one about Eddie.
Roz: Thanks, but I already have an idea. Besides, if I were gonna
use a dog, I'd probably use about my own.
Martin: Well, you wanna make your dog happy, or do you wanna sell
books? Now I was thinkin': Eddie joins the circus and he has
all this clown makeup on and everything and juggles and stuff.
And then you could do one where he invents this flying machine
and has all these wacky adventures.
Roz: That's kinda cute. He could join a flock of geese or he could
become the world's first dog traffic reporter.

Martin gives her a "What?" look.

Martin: Eddie would never do that. You really don't get Eddie, do
you?

Niles comes in through the front door, carrying Daphne's bags.

Martin: Hey, look who's home!

Daphne comes in behind him.

Martin: Hey!
Daphne: Is this all for me?
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, God we missed you.
Roz: You look great, Daphne!
Martin: Great? You look fantastic. I don't know what they did to
you there, but what a difference!
Daphne: Yes. I was getting pretty big, wasn't I?
Martin: Big? You were gi-normous.
Frasier: Dad.
Martin: I was just tellin' her how big she was.
Daphne: Oh, come here old man.

She hugs him.

Frasier: You really do look lovely, Daphne.
Daphne: Oh, thank you Dr. Crane. But I still have to be careful what
I eat.
Frasier: Yes, yes, of course. And to that end, actually, I have a
little surprise for you in the fridge.
Daphne: Oh, you didn't have to do that. It's not some of those low
cal dinners, is it?
Frasier: Just go look.

She goes into the kitchen. There is the sound of a pig squealing.
Frasier and Martin begin laughing, Roz looks disgusted. Daphne comes
back in, laughing

Daphne: That's hysterical.
Frasier: It's called the "Refrigerator Pig". It's this little plastic
pig, he's got a recording in its belly, every time you open
the refrigerator door, you'll hear his scolding squeal.
Roz: So Daphne, tell us about the spa.
Daphne: Well, it was lots of hard work. We had hikes every morning
and sessions with a personal trainer.

Niles begins pouring champagne.

Niles: And a wonderful therapist. [to Frasier] You're going to
love this.
Daphne: Yes, there was a professional therapist on staff.
Niles: Named "Gloria."
Daphne: Who helped me dig down to the root of my problems.
Niles: Gloria's very handy with a shovel.
Martin: Well, she must have been very good. I mean, obviously, look
at you.
Daphne: Yes. Gloria's very empathetic, because she had a similar
weight problem. Only she didn't have anyone to help her deal
with it. She had to battle it herself for years.
Niles: She didn't have a boyfriend she could blame?
Daphne: Is there something you want to say to me?
Niles: No.
Frasier: Well I've got something to say. I would like to propose a
toast.
Daphne: I was very lucky to have someone like Gloria at the spa.

Niles passes out the champagne.

Niles: Yes, usually you have to go all the way to a hair salon for
that kind of insight.
Frasier: Well, Daphne, the important thing is that you're feeling
better and that your back home, where you belong.
Daphne: I better make mine water. Champagne is pure sugar, you know.

She heads to the kitchen.

Frasier: Niles, what the hell is wrong with you?
Niles: Oh, Frasier, you would not believe the hack psychobabble this
woman has filled Daphne's head with.
Martin: Well still, that's no reason to be acting like an ass.
So you just shape up and treat Daphne with respect!

There is the sound of the Refrigerator Pig from the kitchen. Then
there are crunching noises and Daphne can be seen jumping up and down.
She comes back in.

Daphne: Apparently that pig of yours can dish it out but he can't
take it. So, how 'bout that toast?
Roz: Oh, good idea.
Frasier: Right. To Daphne, your warmth and spirit have helped make
this place a home. Your influence can be seen in a thousand
different ways.
Niles: Unless, of course, one's wearing his love goggles.
Daphne: That's it. Niles, I think you should go.
Niles: What?
Daphne: I want you to leave. Right now.

Niles looks put upon, then sets his glass down and leaves. Daphne
sets the water down and heads to her room, Roz hurries after her.
Martin and Frasier look at each other nervously.

Martin: Nice call on the "Refrigerator Pig".

FADE OUT.

End of Act 1

Act 2

Scene 1 - Niles' Office

Fade in. Niles is talking to a patient and looking through his
Rolodex.

Patient: So, you don't think I have a germ phobia?
Niles: Not at all, just a healthy sense of personal hygiene. [Niles
hands him a card.] Ah, here's the number of the man who cleans
my telephone. The best in Seattle.

The patient goes to leave, but pulls his hand back from the doorknob.

Niles: Oh, don't touch. There you go.

Niles opens the door for him. Frasier is leaning against the
doorframe.

Niles: Frasier. What are you doing here?

Frasier comes in.

Frasier: Oh, I just wanted to see how you're doing after last night.
Daphne caught me up on what's been going on.
Niles: Wonderful. So she's talking to every therapist under the sun
but me.
Frasier: She said she tried to talk to you.
Niles: No. She tried to blame me. According to her puppet master
Gloria, Daphne overate because she was afraid that she
couldn't live up to my image of her.
Frasier: Well, there may be something to that. She does have seven
years of fantasy to live up to.
Niles: What fantasy? I have a very realistic picture of Daphne.
I love her for who she is, I have since the very beginning.
Frasier: All right. When exactly was "the very beginning" for the two
of you, anyway?
Niles: Well, don't you remember? You introduced us.

CUT TO:

The scene cuts to their first meeting, from [1.03] , "Dinner at Eight."

Frasier: Daphne? This is my brother Niles.
Niles: You're Daphne?
Daphne: Why, yes I am!

As he moves across to shake her hand, we see that present-day Niles
and Frasier are observing the memory in the background.

Niles: When Frasier told me he hired an Englishwoman, I pictured
someone a little more... not quite so... you're Daphne?
Daphne: Right again. It's very nice to meet you.

Frasier begins to speak to present-day Niles.

Frasier: Look at you, Niles. The woman's a stranger to you and yet
you're ready to hand her your heart.
Niles: Well, I may have been a tad smitten. What's your point?

He focuses on the memory of Daphne as she bends over.

Frasier: My point is... Niles, pay attention! My point is your
so-called realistic picture of Daphne has been clouded
from the start by your intense attraction to her.

The scene CUTS BACK to Niles' office.

Niles: All right. Perhaps at the beginning I was blinded by
infatuation. But over the years, I've learned everything
about her. And my love has only deepened. I've learned
that she is caring and, and compassionate. And she can be
moody, sometimes. She likes jelly on her pancakes, instead
of syrup. Uh, her laugh is like music. Oh, and that girl
can dance!

CUT TO:

The scene cuts to the Snow Ball from [3.13] "Moon Dance," as Daphne and
Niles dance the tango.

Niles: You're beautiful! You're a goddess!
Daphne: I don't ever want this moment to end!
Niles: Then let's not let it!

Again, the present Frasier and Niles are watching.

Niles: This is one of my favorite memories. See, that's the dress
I wanted her to wear this weekend. Isn't she spectacular?
Frasier: Indeed she is.
Niles: She's perfect! Oh, oh, wait! Look at this. Watch.

In the memory, Daphne throws her leg high onto Niles' shoulder.

Niles: [smiling] I come here often.
Frasier: I suspect part of you has never left.
Niles: Can you blame me? Look at us! We're magnificent together.
We're moving in perfect synch.
Frasier: There's that word "perfect" again.
Niles: I know what you're thinking. Just because this evening was
perfect doesn't mean I'm idealizing Daphne.
Frasier: Niles, did you hear yourself out there? You called her
"a goddess". You can't build a higher pedestal than that.
Who could possibly compete with that sort of image?

The dance ends and everyone, the present Niles and Frasier included,
applaud.

Niles: That's not fair. I'm well aware that's just one side of her.
I'm also acquainted with her ordinary, domestic, everyday side.

CUT TO:

The scene cuts to Niles and Daphne in the kitchen of his apartment
from [5.20] "First Date," chopping vegetables. Present-day Niles and
Frasier are there, watching.

Daphne: [in time with the chopping] Doomp-da, doomp-da, doomp-da,
doomp-da.
Niles: Hear and soul, I fell in love with you...
Heart and soul, the way a fool would do...
Both: Madly! Because you held me tight
And stole a kiss in the night.
Frasier: Oh, please!
Niles: What?
Frasier: Even your everyday memories are idealized. How long until
the cartoon blue bird lands on her shoulder?

The memory of Niles and Daphne singing starts again.

Niles: All right. So maybe my memories of Daphne are perfect. Has
it ever occurred to you that maybe Daphne just IS perfect?

Niles begins to sing in a sort of scat fashion with the memory.

Niles: I held you tight,
It served you right,
I stole a kiss... in the night.

He laughs along with the Niles and Daphne in the memory.

Frasier: That's it. I'm going home.

The scene CUTS BACK to Niles' office as he gets off his couch.

Niles: Wait, wait. How come?
Frasier: I've nothing else to say. Niles, I love you. And I love
Daphne. I just hope the two of you can work this thing out
together.
Niles: No, wait, don't go, don't go. Help me understand, why is
everyone acting like I've done something wrong? The only
thing I am guilty is loving Daphne, and that's all I've
ever done.
Frasier: Yes. Yes, and how did you love her? From afar. You were
never in love WITH her, you were in love AT her. Now, you've
been given a chance to experience her in a real relationship
and yet for some reason, you're resisting it. Rather than
see her as she really is, you keep holding on to the memory.
Niles: No, that's not true.
Frasier: Niles, the woman gained sixty pounds, and everyone in the
world saw it but you. All you ever saw was a perfect woman
in a red dress.

A long pause. Niles takes a deep breath and leans back against his
desk.

Niles: Okay. If you're right - and that's a big "if" - why would
I do that?
Frasier: Maybe Daphne's not the only one who's afraid she won't
measure up. Maybe you're afraid too. After all, if it
turns out she's not perfect, then there's a chance things
won't work out. Then not only will you lose Daphne, but
you'll have wasted the last seven years of your life
chasing an illusion.

FADE OUT.

Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment

Fade in. Martin is sitting in his chair. Frasier opens the front
door, Roz is there.

Frasier: Roz. What a pleasant surprise.
Roz: [coming in] Break out the champagne! I just sold my
children's book.
Martin: Hey, that's great!
Frasier: Well, congratulations, Roz.
Roz: Thanks! You know, this young editor, he's like twenty-three
years old, his name's Scott. And I figure he'll just be into
action figures and video games and there I was with this
simple little story, but he loved it.
Frasier: Great, congratulations. I've been saving a very special
bottle for just such an occasion.

He heads to the kitchen.

Martin: Yeah, while you're in there, get my very special can.

Roz gets out her cell phone and dials.

Roz: I gotta call my mother, she is gonna get such a kick out of
this. Mom? Hey! Remember that story you used to tell me
when I was a kid? You know, it was about the little girl and
her grandfather? Yeah, well, I just got it published. What?
Well you never told me that! Okay fine, just forget I called.
Yeah, bye.

She disconnects as Frasier pops the cork on the champagne.

Roz: Well, you can put that away.
Martin: What happened?
Roz: Apparently I just sold my publisher... "Heidi"? I better get
over there and let him know before he...

Her phone rings and she answers it.

Roz: Hello? Oh, hello Scott. I know, I just heard. Weird, huh?
Martin: Hey, tell him about Eddie! [flaps his arms]

Roz gets up to leave.

Roz: I'm so sorry. It was a movie too?

She heads out the door, Niles is there.

Roz: Hey.
Niles: Hey.

He enters as Roz goes out.

Niles: Hello, Frasier. Hi, Dad.
Both: Hi, Niles.

Daphne comes in from her room.

Niles: Hello, Daphne.
Daphne: Hello.

There is an awkward silence.

Frasier: Dad, what do you say we head out for dinner at the steakhouse?
Martin: The steakhouse? Really?
Frasier: What the hell. The blood's been flyin' through my arteries
lately.
Martin: Just give me a minute to get ready.
Frasier: Right, right.

He and Martin go off to the bedrooms to get ready.

Niles: Daphne? I want to apologize for the other night. I was rude,
and disrespectful, and I'm sorry I hurt you.
Daphne: Apology accepted. Oh, come here.

They hug.

Niles: Thank you.
Daphne: You know, I was just about to make myself some dinner. Would
you like to join me?
Niles: I would love that!

She turns to go to the kitchen.

Niles: Actually, wait, Daphne? I'm going to pass on dinner.
Daphne: Oh, it's no trouble.

Frasier and Martin come out from the bedrooms.

Niles: Oh, I know that, it's just that...I don't really care for
your cooking.
Daphne: What?
Niles: Well, you're not the best cook in the world. In fact, you're
not very good at cooking. At all. Bad, BAD cook!
Martin: What the hell is he doing?
Frasier: Uh... Well, we're off.

They head towards the door, Martin looks to Niles.

Martin: God bless you, son!

They leave.

Niles: You okay?
Daphne: How could I be, after that horrible thing you just said to me?
Niles: Oh, I'm sorry, darling. I just want to show you I see you the
way you really are.
Daphne: And who I am is a bad cook, is that what you're saying?
Niles: No, that's not fair. I, I thought this was what you wanted.
Daphne: Well it still hurts. I have got my feelings, you know.
I thought you loved my cooking. Well, you certainly could
have handled this better.
Niles: Well, then... I don't know what you want! I can't read minds,
you know! And by the way, neither can you!
Daphne: [gapes] Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?!
Niles: Not if you thought I loved your cooking!
Daphne: Well, I'm sorry it's not that hoity-toity crap you eat!
Niles: What does that mean? You, you think I'm pretentious?
Daphne: Huh, you'd eat a worm if I gave it a French name!
Niles: Well fine! If that's the way you feel, maybe I'll just have
dinner by myself!
Daphne: Fine! It'll spare you the hell that's my cooking!

Niles storms out and Daphne heads for her room. Before she can get
there, she turns back just as Niles hurries back through the door.

Niles: I am so sorry! I love you so much!

They embrace.

Niles: I didn't mean any of those things.
Daphne: Yes you did. And I did too. You're a pretentious snob with
your wine and your opera.
Niles: Well...you NEVER GIVE OPERA A CHANCE! You're too judgmental.
Daphne: And you're a clean freak.
Niles: Well...I hate your unicorn collection.
Daphne: And I hate that your closet is bigger than mine!

He reaches up to touch her cheek.

Niles: Well...you're too tall!
Daphne: You're too short.

He pulls her to him.

Niles: Well...

They kiss passionately, stumbling up against the pillar and knocking
over one of Frasier's statuettes. The camera continues to pan across
as they continue.

Niles: Oh, Daphne...
Daphne: Oh, Niles...

FADE OUT.

Scene 3 - Cafe Nervosa

Niles is sitting at a table, holding a cup, with a happy little smile
on his face. Frasier comes in.

Frasier: Ah, there you are, Niles. [to waiter] May I have a latte,
please? [he sits] So, how are things with you and Daphne?

Niles doesn't say anything and continues to stare with his faraway
look. The waiter hands Frasier his cup.

Frasier: Thank you. Niles, is everything okay?

Niles slowly blinks and, without turning his head, shifts his eyes to
look at Frasier, smiling all the while.

Frasier: Ah.
Niles: You know the best part, Frasier? It wasn't at all like I
imagined it.

They clink glasses. FADE OUT.

Credits:

Niles is sitting in his office with a highly distressed patient. He
has the same silly smile on his face. Whenever the patient looks at
him, he tries to look serious, but often has to turn his head or hide
his mouth with his notebook.