09x22 - Frasier Has Spokane

[bunniefuu]

ACT ONE

Scene One - KACL
Frasier is doing his show.

Frasier: So just remember, when you're standing there, that what you're
going through...

Kenny enters Roz's booth in a hurry and taps her on the shoulder.

Kenny: Why hasn't Frasier mentioned the Spokane thing yet?
Roz: I don't know. I'm sure we'll get to it by the end of the show.
Kenny: Well, he'd better, because I left him a memo and an email
specifically asking him to promote the Spokane thing. Now
ignoring an email is one thing, but a memo and an email?
Well, I may have to bring the hammer down and leave a Post-It
on his desk.
Frasier: Which brings me to a bit of news. Starting Monday, there will
be a new addition to the Frasier Crane radio family: the city
of Spokane. [smiles at Kenny]
Kenny: Oh, thank goodness. Man, that was like the Cuban m*ssile Crisis
for a moment, wasn't it?

He leaves the booth.

Frasier: In fact, KQZY is not only going to be carrying the show, but
they've invited Roz and me to conduct Monday's broadcast from
their studios in Spokane. But fret not, Seattle. Although my
body will be 300 miles away, my heart will be firmly lodged
in your radios. [b*at] You know, that sounded a lot better
this morning in the shower. Anyway, good day and good mental
health.

He goes off the air. Roz comes in.

Roz: I thought Friday was your bath day.
Frasier: Ah, I woke up late. So, Roz, what time do you want me to pick
up you and Roger on Sunday?
Roz: Oh, there's been a change in plans. Roger is not coming to
Spokane.
Frasier: Really? Well, nothing wrong, I hope.
Roz: We broke up.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, I'm so sorry.
Roz: We just talked about some problems we'd been having and decided,
you know, we'd be better off apart.
Frasier: When did this happen.
Roz: Last week.
Frasier: Last week-?
Roz: I didn't tell you because I didn't want to have a long
conversation.
Frasier: I understand. You must be going through a lot right now.
You know, back in private practice I used to tell my grief
group...
Roz: See, this is exactly what I mean. I appreciate your concern,
but I am fine, really.
Frasier: Okay. Boy, what a surprise. No more Roger.
Roz: I know.
Frasier: Yes, he had a rare kind of dignity and integrity you don't
see much of nowadays. Especially among people who own a
bench press. You know, I don't believe I've ever met anyone
else with that combination of gentility and brute strength.
Well, not anybody single, anyhow.

Roz gives a weak laugh.

Frasier: I'm not helping, am I?
Roz: No.

She goes into her booth.

FADE OUT

Scene Two - Apartment
Frasier comes home from work and sees Niles at the bar pouring sherry.

Frasier: Niles!
Niles: Hey.
Frasier: I thought you and Daphne were going out tonight.
Niles: She's still getting ready. Hey, Frasier, am I dressed
appropriately for something called "Banana-rama"? [he says
wearing his traditional suit]
Frasier: You're in Armani, who could object?

They shrug. Martin comes in.

Martin: Hey, guys.
Frasier: Dad.

Martin is followed through the door by two workmen carrying a long,
flat piece of lumber.

Martin: Uh, just lean it up against the window there, will you? [they do]
Frasier: What is this?
Martin: It's mahogany. Real straight grain, too. I found it outside
the construction site next door? Can you believe they were
going to throw it away?
Frasier: Dad, I thought we had this discussion when you found that
mattress on the side of the highway.
Martin: But this isn't for resale, I'm going to make a TV table out of
it. [tips the workmen as they leave] Thanks, fellas. Isn't it
a beaut?
Niles: [inspecting the underside] There's a ketchup packet stuck to it.
Martin: Oh, it's going to feel good to break out the tools, roll up
my sleeves, and make something with my own two hands.

As he says this, Frasier and Niles exchange a big look.

Frasier: Dad, are you sure this is a good idea? Woodworking has never
been your strength.
Niles: Yeah, I think the scariest words of my childhood were,
"Your father needs your help down in the basement."
Martin: Well, I must have done something right. I made a lot of
good stuff.
Frasier: Even with directions, you could never assemble anything.
I remember a play set where the slide ended right in front
of the swings.
Niles: I don't remember that.
Frasier: I know. Sorry.
Martin: Now, I'm gonna build a TV table, and I need a number one helper.
Whose turn is it?

Niles hurriedly points to Frasier.

Frasier: No, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I am leaving for Spokane
on Sunday, I will not be available.
Niles: Your show's not till Monday!
Frasier: Yes, well I have sponsors to meet, I have press interviews and
photo sessions. Niles, this is a very big step in my career.
If I can prove that my brand of radio travels well, perhaps I
can parlay Spokane into Denver, Chicago... maybe even New York
City.
Martin: [to Niles] Well, you win, buddy. I'll see you tomorrow.
Be sure to wear some work gloves. Oh, and some coveralls.
We don't want a repeat of that necktie-in-the-band-saw
incident.

He exits.

Niles: Oh, great. With my luck, there'll be a baseball game on the
radio, too.
Frasier: It won't be so bad.
Niles: Oh, how can you say that? You once tried to report him to the
Child Labor Board.
Frasier: Well, at least I was being proactive. I recall you used to lock
yourself in the bathroom to cry.
Niles: I didn't go in there to cry. I went in to re-gather my
patience.
Frasier: Say, Niles, why don't you just ask Daphne to fill in for you?
Niles: Daphne?
Frasier: Well, why not? She's gonna owe you big time after dragging you
to this banana event.
Niles: No, no, it's a concert. And I hardly think it compares to
the t*rture of assisting Dad.

Daphne comes out. To borrow a phrase from Joe Keenan, "I lack the
sartorial vocabulary to describe the result." I have an intimation
that it's a fasion of the 70's. Her hair is done up with an oversized
silver bow, she's wearing a pink blouse with an oversized silver belt
and a white jacket, and black pants with high white boots.

Daphne: All right, I'm ready. [sees him] Oh, Niles, you're not going
in those clothes. Come with me. [takes his hand] I got you
some hair gel and parachute pants.

As he is led to her room, Niles throws a frightened glance at Frasier.

FADE TO:

GETTING SULLIED


Scene Three - KQZY Meeting Room
Frasier stands by a podium while the station manager, Herm Evans,
prepares him.

Herm: Okay, here's the drill. Now, I'll introduce you to the
reporters, they'll ask you questions. Try not to go on
too much. The faster we get them to the courtesy liquor,
the better.
Frasier: Oh, don't worry. I'll be able to get my message across.
You see, I'm a bit of a puppeteer when it comes to the
press.
Herm: Good. [walks away, but turns back] But still, liquor.

Kenny comes through a door behind Frasier.

Kenny: Oh, sorry I'm late, Doc. I, uh, had a situation at the hotel
but it's under control now.
Frasier: Judging from the pillow wrinkles on your cheek, I'd say it
was a nap situation.
Kenny: The point is, it's under control.

Herm comes back.

Herm: Kenny Daly! Don't say hi or anything?
Kenny: Herm Evans! [shakes his hand] So, how's our star doing?
Everything go okay with the CPS's?
Herm: Terrific.
Kenny: And your ExecComm?
Herm: Oh, they're thrilled.
Kenny: What about the M-and-M's?
Herm: [hands him a bowl] Help yourself.
Kenny: Thanks.

Roz comes in.

Roz: Hey, everybody. [they all greet her]
Frasier: Oh listen, let me introduce you to Herm Evans, the station
manager here.
Herm: [shakes her hand] Nice to meet you, Roz.
Roz: Thanks.
Herm: Now that everybody's here, I'll go get the reporters.
Frasier: Right, right. [Herm leaves] Uh, Roz, listen. Sure you're up
to this?
Roz: Yeah, why? Why wouldn't I be?
Frasier: Well, it's been a tough time lately, you know, with the
Roger situation.
Roz: Oh, knock it off, Frasier. I'm fine.
Frasier: You sure?
Roz: Yes.
Frasier: Because, believe me, I wouldn't blame you if you were
struggling a little bit. I mean, believe me, my head would
be filled with "what if's" and "if only's" and, God forbid,
the looming question, "What if I'll never again have the
chance..." Oh, here comes the press! All right, big smiles!

Frasier takes the podium, having thrown Roz back into turmoil,
as Herm leads in half a dozen reporters.

Herm: Thanks for coming, everybody! [to a heavyset photographer]
Hey, Matt, is that a new tie, or did you just have it cleaned?
[laughs] Hey, there'll be plenty of time for that cheese plate
after you've fallen in love with KQZY's proud new addition,
Dr. Frasier Crane.

Polite applause.

Frasier: Thank you, thank you very much. I'd like to take this
opportunity to introduce my lovely producing partner,
Roz Doyle. [puts his arm around her] I must say, I'm
looking forward to becoming part of the radio landscape
here in Spokane.
Frank: [male reporter] Dr. Crane, how do you feel about taking over
Neal Sullivan's time slot?
Frasier: I'm sorry, who?
Herm: Nobody, it's just the guy you're replacing.
Cathy: [female reporter] A nobody? He's been a Spokane institution
for 30 years.
Herm: Yes, we all saw your column. You know what would make another
great column? Dr. Crane went to Harvard and Oxford. Wow.
Frank: No offense, Dr. Crane, but all your degrees aren't going to
make us forget about Sully.
Frasier: And I don't intend that they should. I don't want you to
forget about anyone. I'm here to help people.
Cathy: Sully helps people. Every Fourth of July, he organizes a
group of troubled teens and cleans up all the trash on the
riverbanks.
Frank: Will we be seeing you on the Fourth of July?
Herm: [turns to the table] Oh hey, what's this over here? Free liquor?

An old man enters through the back door carrying a box.

Frank: Hey, Sully! [all the reporters greet him]
Sully: Hey, guys. Don't let me interrupt. I'm just clearing out a few
things from my desk. Wanted to stop by and wish my successor
luck.

He shakes hands with Frasier, drawing applause and several flashbulbs.

Frasier: Oh, thank you. Thank you so much, Mr. Sullivan. And as
someone who has served Spokane so well, your blessing is
deeply appreciated.
Sully: Oh, you don't need my blessing. I'm just a simple man with
a passion for Spokane in his heart, and a termination notice
in his pocket.
Cathy: Sully, will you be listening to Dr. Crane's show tomorrow?
Sully: Not sure, Cathy. I've been going around on that one like the
horses on the Looff.

All the reporters laugh.

Frasier: I'm sorry, the Looff?
Sully: It's a carousel. But I guess you have to be in the city more
than three hours to know that.

More laughter.

Frank: Sully, what are you going to do with your time now?
Sully: Good question, Frank. When my dad retired, he d*ed a month
later. Take that any way you like. But, uh... you know what,
fellas, you really should be asking Dr. Crane the questions.
Anyone needs me, I'll be down the street at Mulligan's, buying
rounds. Keep smiling.

Sully walks out.

Cathy: We'll miss you! Let's hear it for Sully.
Press: [singing] For he's a jolly good fellow...

As they continue, Frasier dismounts the podium, and motions to Kenny
for a stiff drink. Kenny, who has already poured one, hands it to
Frasier and then takes a long pull straight from the bottle.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Scene Four - Apartment
Daphne and Martin, wearing work clothes and safety goggles,
are standing over a piece of wood on a worktable.

Daphne: Now, I think we're going to need a smaller drill bit.
Where's the chuck key?
Martin: The what?
Daphne: You know, [points behind him] that thing there.
Martin: [holds it up, condescending] The tighten-er.
Daphne: It's called the chuck key.
Martin: Well, maybe in England. Here in the U.S., it doesn't have a
specific name.
Daphne: Did you get the wood screws?
Martin: Oh, damn! I forgot to pick them up at the hardware store.
Daphne: Well, don't worry, I'll run out and fetch them.
Martin: [getting his coat] No, it's all right. I'll get them.
Why don't you get started on the foot pads?
Daphne: All right. [points] Watch out for the extension cord.
[he stops] That's the orange electricity hose.
Martin: I know what it is.

The doorbell rings. Martin opens it to Niles.

Niles: Hey, Dad.
Martin: Hey, Niles. I thought you were busy with an emergency at
Northwest.
Niles: I-I was. Actually, I just finished. [points to his lapel]
See, this is my guest badge, that has today's date on it?
You can't fake that.
Martin: Uh-huh. See you in a half-hour. [leaves]
Niles: All right. [to Daphne] You look adorable. [kisses her]
You look like the princess of safety. Look, I'm so
sorry for roping you into this.

Daphne has removed her goggles and started to apply glue to the pads.

Daphne: Oh, don't be. Reminds me of when I used to mess about in the
garage with my brothers. Used to build all sorts of things.
Splints, crutches, peg legs.
Niles: Still, you're very sweet to help Dad out. I don't think I
could take his bossiness.
Daphne: Oh, he's not so bad. Could you hand me a rag?
Niles: [looks] Uh... sure. [does] Any interest in sneaking off to
your room while the foreman's away?
Daphne: That sounds lovely, but first I have to get these pads on.
Can you press on this for a moment?
Niles: Yeah, no problem. [does] Maybe later we'll try out my "Wagner
for Lovers" CD.
Daphne: I need another rag.
Niles: Oh, coming up... a rag. [grabs one while keeping one hand on
the pad]
Daphne: Could you grab me some sandpaper, too?
Niles: [fumbling] Uh, yeah, sure. Of course.
Daphne: Don't press too tight or the pad will slide.
Niles: Oh.
Daphne: Careful, even pressure. [fixes his hand] Like this.
Niles: Yeah, that's-that's what I'm doing.
Daphne: Well, then why is glue squirting out? I need the rag.
Niles: Okay. [hands it to her] Never said I was good at carpentry.
Daphne: Carpentry? This is gluing felt. Can you hand me the square?
Niles: Ah, yes. [does] Here's the square.
Daphne: No, no, no, [points] that one. Why is the pad hanging off the
side?
Niles: Well, I think that it slipped when I was handing you the rags
and the sandpaper and the square, and by the way, you're
welcome.
Daphne: By the way, still waiting for that sandpaper.
Niles: [straightens up] Okay, let's stop.

He walks over and sits on the ottoman, and takes a deep breath.

Niles: This is as bad as working with Dad.
Daphne: Look, Niles, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm just
trying to get this done and get it done well. Okay?
Niles: Okay.
Daphne: I love you.
Niles: I love you, too.
Daphne: And yet, I'm still waiting for that sandpaper.

FADE TO:

Scene Five - KQZY Studio
Frasier surveys the radio booth while Roz is trying to get comfortable
at her console. Unlike KACL, this studio has no divide between the
talent and producer's desks.

Frasier: You know, this layout doesn't really allow us to do any call
screening. Well, I guess you can still just check the sound
levels.
Roz: Oh boy, the sound levels? "Dear Diary, after years and years
of wishing..."
Frasier: Yes, all right, Roz.

Kenny and Herm enter.

Kenny: Hey, Doc. Everything all right here?
Frasier: Yeah, it's fine.
Roz: But guess who gets to check the sound levels?
Frasier: I said all right, Roz.
Kenny: Just wanted to make sure you're relaxed and ready to go...
and haven't read today's paper.
Frasier: I read it. Everything from the adoring salute to Sully,
to the cartoon of me and Satan doing a jig on Sully's coffin.
Herm: About that - it might be a good idea to steer clear of any
on-air references to Sully.
Frasier: On the contrary, I intend to confront this situation head-on.
I intend to reach out to the listeners, ease their suffering,
and thereby demonstrate what we do best.
Herm: Now, that's the kind of attitude this station needs. Of course,
if your ratings are low, I still have to fire you. [laughs] What
a crazy business, huh?
Roz: Ten seconds.
Kenny: Knock 'em dead.

Kenny and Herm exit.

Roz: [whispering] Good luck. [points]
Frasier: Hello, and welcome from Seattle to Spokane, this is the Frasier
Crane Radio Network. We are broadcasting today from the Lilac
City where we have just replaced a beloved local icon, Neal
Sullivan. Now, Sully did a lot for this city and in my own way
I hope to make the same kind of contribution that he did. With
that in mind, let's go to the phones.

He looks at Roz, who points back at him. He looks at his own board,
and presses a button.

Frasier: Go ahead, caller. I'm listening.
Caller 1: [v.o.] Go back to Seattle. [hangs up]

Frasier cuts off the dial tone.

Roz: How was the level on that?

Frasier makes a sour face at her.

Frasier: Now, now, people, I understand how you might be angry,
and there's nothing wrong with venting that feeling,
but please stay on the line long enough for me to respond.
[presses another button] Go ahead, I'm listening.
Caller 2: [v.o.] Hi, I'm just letting all the Sully fans know we're
boycotting KQZY until he comes back.
Frasier: Now people, please, we need to talk. We need to move forward.
Otherwise, we're just going to be going around and around like
the horses on the Looff!

He gives Roz a thumbs-up, but Caller 2 hangs up. Frasier cuts it off.

Frasier: All right, well, you know, perhaps our callers from Seattle
could help show the new folds how it's done. [looks at his
alternate board] I'm afraid we don't have any calls from
Seattle. This is strange. Um... perhaps this would be a
good time to go to a commercial break here on the Frasier
Crane Radio Network.

He goes to commercial. Kenny and Herm come in.

Kenny: Hey-hey, you're doing great.
Frasier: I am not, they hate me.
Kenny: Okay, since we're being straight... um, Herm doesn't think
it's going very well.
Frasier: Yes, well, where's my support? Where are the callers from
Seattle?
Kenny: Seattle isn't getting the signal. [looks at Herm]
Herm: Well, something's obviously screwed up at KACL.
Kenny: Oh, it's not KACL. It's probably that transmitter you bought
off the Ukrainian Internet. [exits]
Herm: [follows him out] Hey, 20 minutes ago you were really impressed
with that Ukrainian Internet.
Frasier: I'm sure the people of Spokane would just get on board if
they could get some understanding of what we actually do.
We could use a... like an example. You know, a sample call.
[looks at Roz]
Roz: Are you asking me to call in?
Frasier: Roz, please? I tell you what - just make up something,
anything at all.
Roz: Okay. Five seconds.

She cues him, and then picks up the phone.

Frasier: Hello, and welcome back to the Frasier Crane Show. We are
broadcasting today from KQZY in beautiful Spokane. [Roz holds
up four fingers] Let's go to the phones. [presses line four]
Hello, caller. I'm listening.
Roz: Hi, Dr. Crane. My name is Ro... berta, and, um... I'm afraid
of the dark.

She smiles at him. He gives her a "you can do better than that" look.

Frasier: What is it about the dark that frightens you?
Roz: Um... I don't know. Um...

Long pause.

Frasier: Often a fear of darkness is a fear of the unknown. It is
in darkness where our imaginations give shape to our deepest
anxieties. What image comes to mind for you?
Roz: Nothing, actually.
Frasier: [eyes furious] Nothing?
Roz: Yeah, when everything disappears, there's nothing. Just
emptiness.
Frasier: I see. And what is it about the emptiness that frightens you?
Roz: It's... lonely, for one thing.
Frasier: Have you always felt this way?
Roz: For a while I didn't.
Frasier: What was different then?
Roz: I had somebody. A guy I really liked. And then we broke up...
[breaks down crying] Oh God, Frasier. I miss him so much.
I-I don't know how I fell in love again. I mean, I swore I
wouldn't. I knew better. I should have known better! And
then, sure enough, six months in, he tells me there's no
fireworks. And what am I supposed to say? [sobs]
Frasier: I'm so sorry. But listen to me. You can't blame yourself for
letting someone into your heart. Love is always a risk. But
you have to take it. The pain you're feeling now will pass
in time, and you'll find yourself ready to take that risk
again. Until then... take comfort in your friends. They want
to help you. They love you.
Roz: Yeah, thanks.
Frasier: You're welcome.

They throw off their headphones, get up and embrace.

Kenny rushes in, pointing urgently at the lit-up "ON THE AIR" sign.
They break apart and resume their positions.

Frasier: Okay, Spokane. Let's hear what you have to say. [presses
button] Go ahead, caller. I'm listening.
Caller 3: [v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. I was going to say "you suck" but while
the phone was ringing I heard that last caller and I just want
to tell her to hang in there.
Frasier: [smiles at Roz] That's very kind of you. [presses another
button] Go ahead, caller. I'm listening.
Carl: [v.o.] Hi, uh, my name's Carl.
Frasier: Hello, Carl.
Carl: I'm kind of going through the same thing as that Roberta woman.
Frasier: Really? Well, then perhaps you could share your experience
with us and possibly help Roberta and some of our other
listeners.
Carl: Well, it's hard to talk about. She hasn't technically dumped
me yet, but I'm pretty sure it's coming. And I don't know if
I should bring it up first, or just avoid the whole subject
and hope things get better.

Frasier and Roz smile at each other - they're into their groove.

Frasier: Well, Carl, uh... these problems rarely resolve themselves.
I realize that an honest conversation at this point may be
a little daunting, but...

As he goes on, we FADE TO:

Scene Six - Apartment
Daphne is sanding the finished TV table.

Daphne: I'm finished! It turned out great.

Looking somewhat guilty, she steps over to the powder room.

Daphne: I'm sorry I yelled at you. You were a big help. I couldn't
have done it without you.

The door slowly opens, and Martin comes out, subdued.

Martin: You mean it?
Daphne: Absolutely. Come and take a look.
Martin: Oh, that is sharp! Niles, come look at the table.

Daphne looks guilty again as Niles slowly follows Martin out of the
powder room. His eyes are red-rimmed.

Niles: [sulky] I like the footpads.

END OF ACT TWO

Credits:

Niles and Martin are sitting on the floor applying varnish to the TV
table. Daphne comes in the front door, gives them each a kiss, and then
goes to the kitchen.

Niles and Martin, finished, start to rise - but Niles has caught his tie
in the table.

They hurriedly sit down again as Daphne comes out with drinks for them,
acting as if they're still working.