10x01 - The Ring Cycle

[bunniefuu]

Act 1

Scene 1 - Wedding Chapel

[Fade in. Niles and Daphne are preparing to take their vows.]

Daphne: I, Daphne Moon, do take thee, Niles Crane, as my husband. I promise you my
fidelity and my support, my laughter and my tears, my constant friendship
and my unending love as long as we both shall live.
Niles: I, Niles Crane, do take thee, Daphne Moon, as my wife. I vow to you my
fidelity and my support, my honor and my respect, my honesty and my
protection. You are my comfort, my joy, and my one true love. I will
cherish you all the days of my life and treasure the journey that has
brought us to this most wonderful perfect place.

[The scene shifts to show a leisure suited official with a sign behind him
saying "Lucky 7"]

[N.B. The Officiant is played by writer Sam Johnson.]

Officiant: For most folks that's one too many free cocktails, am I right?

[They give him looks that are less than enthused.]

Officiant: Seriously, do you have the rings?
Niles: Oh, no. In my rush to get here, I completely forgot about them.
Daphne: Does this mean we can't get married?
Officiant: It would, if we didn't offer seven different wedding band packages
for you to choose from. [He pulls a tray from beneath the podium.]
Now, depending on your budget, we can offer you anything from the
"B-Steel My Heart", that's genuine stainless right there, to the
"Never Ending Love", which can be returned for up to ninety days,
no questions asked.
Daphne: They do seem the nicest.

[Her cell phone rings.]

Daphne: Oh, damn, who could be calling at this hour?

[She goes to answer the phone as Niles checks the ring.]

Niles: Wow, you certainly don't see six and a half karat gold every day.

Daphne: Hello?

[Cut to - Roz in her bedroom. The camera switches back and forth to focus on each
woman as she speaks.]

Roz: Daphne, it's Roz. Quick, turn on your TV. My building's on the news.
Daphne: What?
Roz: Some m*rder/su1c1de thing, I'm gonna wave to you from my balcony.
Daphne: Darn, I'm not home.
Roz: Where are you?
Daphne: You're not going to believe this, but Niles and I flew to Reno and we're
getting married right now!

[The official runs Niles card through an imprinter for the rings.]

Roz: You are not!
Daphne: I am so!

[The scene cuts back and forth between them as they squeal in excitement and delight.
Niles signs the receipt.]

Niles: [to Officiant] Apparently it's some sort of dolphin emergency.
Daphne: I should go. I'll tell you everything when we get back. Okay, bye.

[She hangs up the phone.

Back in Seattle, Roz does the same, then makes a disturbed noise when she sees the
latest development on TV.

Cut to - Daphne returning to the podium.]

Daphne: Sorry.
Officiant: You may exchange rings as a symbol of the promises you've made here today.

[Niles and Daphne put the rings on each other's fingers.]

Officiant: By the power vested in me by the state of Nevada, county of Washoe and
the all-new Lucky 7 Resort and Casino, I now pronounce you Husband and
Wife. Good luck!

[He hits a switch and the recorded sounds of church bells are heard. He starts
to leave, but pauses at the chapel door.]

Officiant: Hey, don't forget to check out our topless buffet.

[He heads out. Niles turns to Daphne and has to raise his voice to be heard over
the bells.]

Niles: He never said "You may kiss the bride."
Daphne: You may kiss the bride.

[They embrace and kiss. Fade out.]

BLAME IT ON RENO


Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment

[Fade in. Frasier is getting ready to head out the door.]

Frasier: Chop, chop, Dad! Let's get a move on! The last time I was late for the
farmer's market, I got the worst of the squash blossoms.

[Martin comes in from the kitchen in his security uniform, carrying a bag.]

Martin: [muttering] Oh, whatever shall we serve the Duchess?
Frasier: What?!
Martin: I said "I'm coming." And it's not my fault I'm late, it's Daphne's.
I don't know where she is, I had to make my own lunch.
Frasier: Oh, dear lord, give it here.

[He grabs the bag from Martin and looks in it.]

Frasier: Two bags of chips, three puddin' cups, and a root beer.
Martin: What's wrong with that?
Frasier: A, this is not a lunch, and B, I fail to see how it took you so long since
you did not make anything but simply transferred smaller containers into a
larger one. Let's go!

[He grabs his keys and opens the door to reveal Niles and Daphne.]

Niles: Oh, hello all.
Frasier: Hi.

[They hurry in, excited.]

Martin: Where have you been? I had to make my own lunch.
Frasier: [exasperated] Oh...
Daphne: We've got some big news.
Niles: Yes, um, maybe they should sit down.
Frasier: What's going on?
Daphne: Well, last night, I told Niles that I wanted to marry him right then
and there.
Niles: And once I realized she was serious, we rushed out into the night, fully
intending to.
Daphne: But then we found out that in Washington, it takes three days to get a
marriage license.
Frasier: Well, thank goodness.
Niles: Why?
Frasier: Why?! If we had missed your wedding, well it would have just k*lled me.
Niles: It would've?
Frasier: Well of course it would. Niles, we've been there through the last ten
tortured years of your courtship. How could we not be hurt if we missed
the wedding?
Niles: But surely you could understand if, if someone were carried away by their
emotions...
Martin: Well, I'm just glad it turned out the way that it did, because it would've
just broken my heart.

[Niles and Daphne stand there with slightly guilty looks as, behind their backs,
they slip off the wedding rings.]

Niles: Well, we didn't come here to break anyone's heart. We came here to tell
you that there's a wedding in three days!
Daphne: Isn't that big news?
Niles: Yes, we're going to have a simple ceremony at the courthouse.
Frasier: That is just wonderful! And you know what? By way of a celebration,
please allow me to treat us all to dinner at Couer du Singe. How does
that sound, eh?
Daphne: That sounds wonderful.

[The doorbell rings and Martin answers it to reveal Roz walking Ariel.]

Roz: Hey, Martin.
Martin: Hey, how ya doin'?
Roz: You want to go to the dog park? [she notices Niles and Daphne] Oh, my God!
You guys are here!

[She rushes over to hug Daphne shouting for joy.]

Frasier: Well, I'm here too.
Niles: Um, we were just talking about our wedding.
Roz: Oh, good, I want to hear all about it.
Daphne: We're going to have a small civil ceremony on Friday.

[Roz starts one of her excited squeals that turns into a "huh?" sound as this
sinks in.]

Frasier: Yes, if you'll excuse me, I'm in a rush to get to the farmer's market.
Niles: At this hour? I hope you like listless radicchio.

[Frasier hurries Martin out the door.]

Roz: Okay, what the hell? I thought you guys got married in Reno.

[Daphne and Niles go to sit on the couch as Roz sits in Martin's chair.]

Daphne: We did. But as we were trying to tell Mr. Crane and Dr. Crane, they
told us how hurt they'd be if we got married without them.
Niles: Yes, which, in the moment, failed to occur to us. So, to spare their
feelings, we're having a fake wedding on Friday.
Roz: Well, that works for me, because Alice is still counting on being a flower
girl.
Niles: Of course.
Daphne: Great.
Roz: So if you guys have two weddings, when's your anniversary going to be?
Daphne: Well, to keep up appearances, I suppose it'll have to be the second
one, won't it?
Niles: Well, we could celebrate two anniversaries. A public one, and then a
second, secret one just for us.
Daphne: Oh, I like that. Sort of sexy having an anniversary only two of us
know about.
Roz: Three of us.
Niles: I still can't believe we're married.
Daphne: It's our one-day anniversary.
Roz: And we're the only ones who know.
Daphne: You know, we should celebrate.
Niles: How about going to the dog park?
Daphne: Well, that doesn't sound very romantic.
Niles: I'm not talking to you.

[Roz gets the hint and leaves with Ariel as Niles and Daphne fall into each
other's arms. Fade out.]

Scene 3 - The Courthouse

[Fade in. Niles and Daphne are waiting at the door to a judge's chambers where
Martin and Frasier are setting up the wedding.]

Niles: Nervous?
Daphne: Less than last time. I guess it helps to have had a rehearsal.
Niles: It wasn't a rehearsal, it was the real thing. This is just a... touring
company performance.
Daphne: Right.

[They kiss and go in as Roz, Alice and Gertrude Moon come up the hallway.]

Gertrude: It's a bloody miracle we're here in one piece what with the way you drive.
Roz: I'm better at it when someone's not screaming in my ear.
Gertrude: Well, in my day people didn't drive so recklessly. Do you know why?
Alice: Is it because you rode dinosaurs?

[Roz bites her lips to keep from smiling.]

Gertrude: You should talk to your daughter.

[She goes into the judge's chambers and Roz hunkers down.]

Roz: When we get home, you're getting ice cream.

[They go in as well. Cut to - the judge's chambers.]

Frasier: We're all here, your honor.
Gertrude: Why did we all have to be here just to pick up a bloody license?
Couldn't we have met at the church?
Daphne: Mum, we're not going to the church, we're getting married here.
Gertrude: You're what?
Niles: We're having a civil ceremony.
Gertrude: Without a minister? Out of the question.
Daphne: Mum...
Gertrude: That's enough, Daphne. I am your mother and I will not bear witness
to a Godless union.
Martin: Gertrude, I was in favor of a church wedding too, but this is their day,
not ours. Maybe we should just let them decide how it's gonna be.
Gertrude: If people got to decide things for themselves, no one would go to church.

[The Judge, whose name is Anderson, rises.]

Anderson: If I may...
Frasier: I'll handle this, Your Honor. Mrs. Moon, you have my personal guarantee
that this will not be a Godless union. For if you truly believe in the
omniscience and omnipresence of the Lord, then surely are we not always
in His presence?
Gertrude: No, He lives at the church. All I'm asking is that you honor the wishes
of an old woman, whose every child has been married by a minister, or at
least a prison chaplain.
Niles: Perhaps, given the depth of feeling here, it would be best to wait.
Frasier: Yes, well, I suppose we could find a church in reasonably short order.
Daphne: I don't believe this.
Anderson: If you're not going to get married now, perhaps you could all take this
out into the hall? I have a schedule to keep.
Gertrude: Roz, take me home.

[She makes an exasperated noise.]

Niles: We'll call you when we've cleared this all up.
Roz: Okay, let's go, Alice.

[She opens the door. Alice flings a handful of flower petals on the floor.]

Alice: Congratulations.

[Roz and Alice leave, Gertrude pauses at the door.]

Gertrude: When you're prepared to have a proper wedding, you know where to find me.

[She heads out.]

Frasier: That we do! On your fiery throne presiding over the damned! All right,
lets-let's go.
Martin: [as they leave] Where are we gonna find a clergyman who'll perform on
such short notice?

[Cut to - the hallway.]

Frasier: Hey, maybe the judge knows somebody. Hang on a second here. Your honor...

[He and Martin head back in.]

Niles: I'm sorry, Daphne. But it'll just be a few days, and then we can be
married.
Daphne: We already are. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life.
I want to wear my wedding ring. I'm Mrs. Niles Crane and I don't want
to keep it a secret.
Niles: You just want to tell them the truth?
Daphne: Too complicated. Let's just get married again.

[She takes his hand and pulls him into the judge's chambers. Cut to - the
chambers as the hurry in.]

Niles: The wedding's on.
Frasier: What? What about Mrs. Moon?
Daphne: I'm sorry she'll miss it, but that's her choice. Your honor, we've
changed our minds, we want to be married.

[Everyone hurries into place.]

Anderson: All right, but we have to be quick about this. Are we ready to begin?
Niles: [together with Daphne] Yes.
Anderson: Okay, let's do it. Daphne, please repeat after me.
Daphne: Actually, we've written our own vows.
Anderson: Of course you have.
Daphne: I, Daphne Moon, do take thee, Niles Crane, as my husband. I promise you
my fidelity and my support, my laughter and my tears...

[As she continues, Frasier begins sobbing.]

Martin: Frasier, you said you wouldn't do this!
Frasier: [blubbering] I say a lot of things.

[Martin looks a little peeved, the ceremony continues. Fade out.]

End of Act 1

Act 2

Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment

[Fade in. Martin, Frasier, Niles and Daphne come in after the celebration dinner.]

Niles: Oh, Frasier, thank you so much for dinner.
Daphne: Yes, it was wonderful.
Frasier: It was my pleasure. Dad, don't you have something to add?
Martin: [as he sits] I already said thank you for dinner. What am I supposed
to do, get down on my knees and kowtow to your fancy-ass American Express
card?
Frasier: No, I was referring to the gift we have for them.
Martin: [clambering to his feet] Oh! Right, I forgot about that. Yeah, and
thanks for dinner, Fraizh, it really was excellent. I didn't think I'd
like beef cheeks.
Frasier: Yes, yes! Dad, give them the gift.

[Martin carries a box over to the couch.]

Daphne: This is so exciting, our first wedding present.

[Niles opens it.]

Daphne: It's a silver picture frame!
Niles: Beautiful.
Frasier: And nota bene, it's been engraved with today's date in order to commemorate
your wedding date until your real gift arrives.
Daphne: It's very sweet. Thank you Mr. Crane and Dr. Crane.
Martin: You can't call us that anymore, we're family now.
Daphne: So we are. Well, thank you... Frasier. Oh, that feels strange.

[She and Martin rise.]

Daphne: And thank you...

[He prompts her with "Dad" just as she says "Martin".]

Daphne: Dad.
Martin: Or Martin. Whatever makes you feel comfortable.
Daphne: Oh, thank you Mr. Crane.
Martin: Don't mention it.
Daphne: Well, I better go and figure out what to pack for the honeymoon.

[She kisses Niles and heads for her room. Martin rests on the arm of his chair and
Niles sits down smugly.]

Niles: I'm just bringing sun screen.

[Frasier rises and walks to the kitchen.]

Frasier: Pardon me. I have to go and poke out my mind's eye.
Martin: Oh, you're lucky. I always wanted to go to Bora Bora.
Niles: Oh, it's going to be fantastic, Dad. We're staying in a thatched hut
built out over the water. In the middle of the floor there's a window
where you can look straight down to the bottom of the ocean.
Martin: [rising] Well, I hope it's not too deep. When we went to the top of the
Space Needle and you looked down, you got sick.
Niles: Dad!
Martin: All over that poor Japanese tour group.
Niles: Dad...
Martin: And when I yelled down to warn them, they just looked up.

[He leaves to his room. The doorbell rings and Niles gets up to answer it.]

Niles: That was three years ago!

[He opens the door and Gertrude comes in.]

Niles: Mrs. Moon.

Gertrude: Did you find a minister yet?
Niles: I'm sorry, no. Actually...

[Daphne comes in from her room.]

Gertrude: Good, then I'm not too late.
Daphne: Too late for what?
Gertrude: Oh, Daphne. When I got home this afternoon, well, I was openin' a bottle
of scotch to have with me tea and I began thinking. I was married by a
minister in a church and, and what's it got me? Alone and unloved is what.
And likely because I've been such a rotten mother to you all these years.
Daphne: You haven't been rotten.
Gertrude: Oh, yes I have. On what should have been the happiest day of your life,
I thought of only myself. I'm ashamed. I mean I'm embarrassed and I
apologize.
Daphne: Oh, mum.

[They tearfully hug.]

Gertrude: My only solace is you aren't married yet. Because if I miss my baby's
wedding, I won't be able to live with myself.

[She takes their hands, each giving her their right and hiding the left behind
their backs.]

Gertrude: Daphne, Niles you get married anywhere you want to. All that matters
is that I'm there to share it with you.
Daphne: Oh, of course you'll be there.

[They hug again. Niles takes off his ring and puts it in his pocket and reaches out
to take Daphne's as she slips it off. Niles hides the wedding present under a sofa
cushion.]

Daphne: We'll go right back to that courthouse tomorrow and resume where we left off.

[Frasier comes back from the kitchen.]

Gertrude: Nothing could make me happier.
Frasier: Ah, Mrs. Moon, I see you've made peace with the wedding.
Niles: Yes, Mrs. Moon has rescinded her ultimatum, so we're having the wedding
tomorrow.
Frasier: Ah! Niles, may I have a word with you?

Niles: Mm-hm. Excuse me.

[The go into the kitchen. Cut to - the kitchen as the enter.]

Frasier: What the hell's going on? You guys already got married.
Niles: Yes, but she doesn't know that. So, tomorrow we're going to have another
ceremony for her benefit.
Frasier: That's crazy!
Niles: It may be, but I'm afraid the truth would crush her.
Frasier: Oh, please! All the wine presses in Bordeaux wouldn't crush that woman.
Niles, what you and Daphne shared today was utterly unique.
Niles: You think so?
Frasier: Yes, it was a singular moment. Anyone fooled by a repeat performance
would have to be a complete imbecile.
Niles: True. But, if it's what Daphne wants, I'll support her. We'll get Roz
back, we'll find a different judge and we'll just do it all over again.
And, it'll be just as perfect as today's was.
Frasier: Fine. But I'm not singing "Wonderful World" again.
Niles: Maybe more perfect.

[He walks out on an irritated Frasier. Fade to - ]

Scene 2

[Niles and Daphne sitting on a bench at the courthouse.]

Niles: Remember how excited we were at our first wedding?
Daphne: Yeah, we were both shaking.
Niles: Yeah.
Daphne: Hey, I noticed the first time you promised me your honesty and protection,
but not the second time.
Niles: No, because I vowed to always be true and to be your constant champion.
It's the same thing.
Daphne: I suppose.
Niles: You liked it better the first way. [She nods.] Okay, we can go back to
that.
Daphne: Thanks.
Niles: You making any changes?
Daphne: Nope, same old, same old.

[Roz comes down the hall with a bouquet humming the wedding march, followed by
Gertrude, Martin and Frasier. Niles and Daphne rise.]

Daphne: Where's Alice?
Roz: Oh, upset stomach. On the way home yesterday she snacked on the leftover
petals in her basket. So, I'm sorry, but I won't be able to join you for
dinner.
Niles: We understand.
Gertrude: Explain it to me then. What sort of child eats roses? 'Tisn't normal.
Roz: You could have stopped her you know.
Gertrude: Not the way she was noshing them up, I couldn't. Like a wood chipper
she was.
Roz: All right.
Gertrude: The incredible beaver baby.
Roz: We GET it!

[Donny Douglas comes around the corner with a woman.]

Frasier: Oh, dear lord, is that... Donny? Everybody, look at your shoes!

[They all look down, but Donny notices them.]

Donny: Wait a minute, Daph... is that Daphne?

[Everybody looks back up.]

Daphne: Donny?
Donny: Hey.
Daphne: What a surprise.
Donny: Everybody. Boy, I hope this isn't uncomfortable.
Frasier: No, no, not at all. Say, is that a drinking fountain over there?
Martin: Sure looks like one.

[Everybody but Niles and Daphne rush back don the hall.]

Donny: Well, Niles, Daphne, I'd like you to meet Bridgett, my fiancee.
Bridgett: Hi.
Niles: Hello.
Bridgett: We just filed for a marriage license.
Niles: Congratulations.
Daphne: That's great.
Donny: Thank you. I know that I was getting married the last time you ran into
me, but this time I found the real thing.
Daphne: Good, I'm glad.
Donny: Yeah. You know, if you hadn't left me I never would have met my ex-wife
who introduced me to Bridgett, so, in a weird way, you played a big part
in my eventual happiness.
Niles: That's a very healthy perspective.
Donny: I think so too. So, what are you guys doing here?
Daphne: Niles and I are getting married.
Donny: Well, congratulations. That is great.
Daphne: Thank you.

[He shakes Niles' hand and gives Daphne a hug.]

Donny: Well, it's great. It's nice seeing you and I hope you'll come to our
wedding.
Daphne: Oh, same here.
Donny: Really? You'd be okay with that?

[Daphne and Niles are a little taken aback, but forge on.]

Daphne: Well, sure, why not?
Niles: Of course, it's anybody's guess how long we could be waiting here.

[The door to the judge's chambers open and Judge Stern steps out.]

Stern: You can come in now.
Niles: Who had one second? Everyone, it's time.
Frasier: Well, here we go then.

[The others all file back down the hall. Donny introduces Bridgett to them and
they all go in. Cut to - the chambers as they all assemble.]

Stern: Is this everybody?
Niles: Yes.
Stern: Let's get started. We come here today to unite this man and this woman
in marriage. I understand Daphne and Niles have composed vows that are
especially significant to them. Niles.

[Niles takes her hands and begins to recite, somewhat uncertainly.]

Niles: Uh, I, Niles Crane take you, Daphne Moon, to be my wife. I, I vow to you my,
my fidelity and support, honor, respect, uh, honesty, protection, and...
support...you are my comfort and joy and, oh, sh**t, there's one more...
Daphne: One true love.
Niles: One true love! That's right. Okay, you go.
Daphne: "Okay, you go"? I, Daphne Moon, do... I'm sorry, this is wrong. I can't
stand here and rattle off a bunch of words that don't mean anything anymore.
I can't go through with this.
Donny: YES! I KNEW IT! [pointing at Niles] Now you know what it's like to have
the love of your life dump you at the altar! And good luck trying to find
somebody as good, because she just ain't out there!

[He turns around to find Bridgett staring at him in horror.]

Donny: What?

[She rushes out and he hurries after her.]

Donny: No, no. Bridgett, Bridgett! [exits]
Daphne: I'm sorry everyone, but Niles and I, we're already married.
Gertrude: What?
Frasier: Mrs. Moon, I'm afraid it's true. Niles and Daphne are already married,
and they were simply trying to spare your feelings.
Roz: You knew about Reno?
Frasier: I was talking about yesterday. What happened in Reno?
Roz: They got married yesterday?
Gertrude: This is all a lie?
Daphne: No, yesterday was a lie. We eloped last week.
Martin: I thought you had to wait for the license.
Niles: That's why we went to Reno.
Frasier: Why didn't you tell us?
Niles: We thought you'd be insulted.
Frasier: I'm insulted now! How could you tell Roz and not tell your family?
Gertrude: How could you have two weddings without telling your mother about one?
Roz: How could you cheat Alice out of being a flower girl?
Daphne: We just wanted to be married.
Martin: Hold on, I got a question here.

[He opens the door.]

Martin: You've been married for a week, how come you're not on your honeymoon?
Daphne: Thank you...Martin.

[Niles and Daphne go to the door.]

Niles: I hope you can all forgive us.
Frasier: Of course, your happiness that's what's important.
Gertrude: This is such a relief.
Daphne: It just felt wrong to start off a marriage with a lie.
Gertrude: Um, was the first one at least in front of a minister?
Daphne: Of course.
Niles: Yes, let's go.

[They leave. Fade out.]

Credits:

The family is holding a ceremony at Frasier's apartment to share. Alice
scatters petals for Daphne to walk on, then stands next to Roz. Niles is
standing with Frasier when she comes up and Martin presides. Eddie and Ariel
are watching from Martin's chair. Alice takes a handful of petals from her
basket and munches on them.