10x05 - Tales From The Crypt

[bunniefuu]

Skyline: An orange moon rises above the cityscape, taking on the face
of a grinning Jack-O-Lantern.

ACT ONE

Scene One - KACL
Roz is in Frasier’s booth, setting up for the show. The room is
decorated for Halloween. Bulldog comes into the booth, laughing.

Bulldog: Hey, Roz...

Several employees pass by the open door laughing and congratulating
Bulldog.

Bulldog: Hi, hi, hi. Roz, you just missed the classic prank of all
time. I’ll admit it, this was my masterpiece.
Roz: [excited] Oh, who, who? Who’d you get?!
Bulldog: OK...

Before he can begin he is interrupted by a passing female staffer.

Employee: Way to go, Bulldog!

He barks at her. Then Kenny comes in, laughing.

Kenny: There he is! [slams chests and slaps hands with Bulldog]
Bulldog: I got this friend down at the impound lot, who came across a
smashed-up BMW, same make and model as Frasier’s.
Roz: You didn’t! You got Frasier!
Bulldog: I had his car towed from the garage, the wreck went in its
place.

They all laugh.

Kenny: The doc totally freaked when he saw it. First he started
swearing, and then he implored the heavens, and just when
his lip started trembling, Bulldog comes out, tells him
it’s all a prank.
Bulldog: Hey - Bulldog observes the mercy rule. Besides, I got the
whole thing on tape.

He proudly holds up the tape. Then Frasier comes in, stone-faced.
Kenny runs out while Roz hastily turns back to her work.

Bulldog: Admit it, Doc, I got you good.

Frasier says nothing. He stares through Bulldog and starts setting up
for the show. Roz ducks into her booth.

Bulldog: Come on, [slaps Frasier’s backside] say it: Bulldog’s the
best. [no response] OK, OK, how ‘bout the bitch dance I taught
you? [giggles, still nothing] Well, at least give me one up
high!

He raises his hand up for a high-five. Frasier grabs his wrist, twists
his arm behind his back, and pushes him out of the booth.

Bulldog: Come on - oh, come on, don’t leave me hanging, Doc! Where’s
your Halloween spirit?

Frasier shuts the door in his face and sits at his console. Bulldog
re-enters, hand still raised.

Bulldog: Don’t worry, it’ll be here waiting for you.

He leaves. Frasier gets up and st*lks into Roz’s booth, stamping each
word out of cold steel.

Frasier: For the record, I knew immediately it was not my car. Mine
has a bumper sticker on it that says, “I AM PRO OPERA AND I
VOTE!”
Roz: Frasier, you’ve got to admit, it was clever.
Frasier: I admit nothing. That is the last we shall discuss of it, we
have a show to do.
Roz: OK.

Frasier goes on the air. As he speaks, he removes some books from his
briefcase and starts flipping through them.

Frasier: Good afternoon, Seattle, and welcome to the Halloween edition
of the Dr. Frasier Crane Show. Today we will be discussing
the topic... of fears. Are they irrational hindrances, or
evolutionary tools? Hmmm... the surprising answer, after
these words.

He goes to commercial. But someone has loaded the wrong cart into the
player...

Frasier: [on tape; wailing] My car! Ohhhh, no - my caaar! What did
they do to you?! Oh, my bay-beee...!

Frasier glares at Roz, who holds up her hands to show she had nothing
to do with it. Frasier stabs the stop button on the player.

Bulldog re-enters, hand still raised.

Bulldog: Whenever you’re ready.

He leaves, waving goodbye with his raised hand. Frasier glares after
him as Roz tries to control her laughter.

FADE OUT

IS IT OCTOBER 31ST AGAIN?


Scene Two - The Montana
Niles’s apartment at the Montana, Halloween night.

Someone is ringing the doorbell insistently and knocking as well.
Niles does not answer, instead he just peers through the spy hole.
Daphne tiptoes in carrying a bowl. They both whisper to each other.

Niles: Did you find something?
Daphne: Do you think they’ll take soy sauce packets?

Niles thinks, then shakes his head. Gertrude strides in, not knowing
why she should keep her voice down.

Gertrude: Who keeps ringing the doorbell?
Daphne: Shh! It’s trick or treaters.

The doorbell stops ringing, and Niles looks through the peephole.

Niles: OK, they’re gone.
Gertrude: Well, why didn’t you let them in?
Daphne: Because someone forgot to get Halloween candy.
Niles: Although, someone else could have picked it up since she was
already in the store.
Daphne: But, that would override the duty list that someone insisted
on implementing. [smiles]

Beaten, Niles cozies up and kisses his wife.

Gertrude: If this is what you two call a fight, you’re not fit to be
married. I once held your father’s head underwater, and-

Someone rings the doorbell again.

Daphne: Shh!
Gertrude: Oh, for heaven’s sake! [through the door] We haven’t got any
candy, shove off!
Niles: Great, now they know we’re here.

Another doorbell.

Gertrude: That is precisely what’s wrong with this country, everyone’s
afraid to stand up to the children.

She opens the door to Jason, a boy in some kind of space cadet costume.

Jason: Trick-or-treat!
Gertrude: Didn’t you hear? We’ve got no candy!
Niles: [clearly scared] We can offer you hotel soaps.
Jason: But it’s Halloween. I dress up, you give me candy.
Gertrude: That costume's supposed to be scary?
Jason: No, is yours?

Niles bites his fingers, afraid of what the boy is stirring in his
mother-in-law.

Gertrude: Oh, a nice bite into an onion is what that mouth of yours
deserves.
Jason: If you don’t have treats, you’re going to get a trick.
Gertrude: Do your worst! I’m not afraid of you. [shuts the door in his
face] Honestly!

She goes off to her room.

Niles: OK, well, maybe I’ll go get some candy after all.

He heads toward the door, but freezes when he hears the unmistakable
sound of EGGS whapping against the door. He hears three whaps, then
nothing. He cracks the door and slowly opens it... and jerks backward
as a fourth egg hits the door. He shuts it and walks up the stairs.

Niles: OK, I’m going to need my slicker and my squash goggles!

FADE TO:

OKAY, WHAT IF
THE BALLOON WERE BLUE?


Scene Three - Café Nervosa
Roz is sat at a center table. Frasier comes in with his briefcase.

Frasier: Good morning, Roz. May I join you?
Roz: Sure, Frasier. Well, I’m glad to see you’re not sulking
today.
Frasier: Yes, well, I had a little time to think about it, and I’ve
decided to put Bulldog’s prank behind me...
Roz: That’s very mature.
Frasier: I’m not finished! - by visiting upon him a prank that is ten
times more dastardly. Look at this.

He opens his briefcase and shows her a legal pad, on which he has
carefully drawn a picture of a car with a red balloon tied to the
antenna. Roz stares, wondering if she’s missing something.

Roz: Looks like a car with a balloon tied to it.
Frasier: Precisely. I will tie a red balloon to the antenna of
Bulldog’s car every time his precious Seahawks-

He flips to the next page of the pad, showing what looks like a
football strategy chart, the kind that a coach would draw on a
locker room blackboard.

Frasier: -lose a game. Over time, the conditioned response will become
ingrained in his psyche. Eventually, the mere sight of a red
balloon-

Flip to the next page, featuring an enlarged picture of a red balloon.

Frasier: -will bring about in him an inexplicable sense...

Flip to the last page, showing a picture of Bulldog’s face with tears
streaming down it, attached to a thought bubble with a red balloon
inside it.

Frasier: ...of loss. [drops the pad into his briefcase] Check-and-mate!
Roz: [stares for a second, then:] Isn’t that... kind of out there?
Frasier: That’s the point. Well, of course, I could go with any one of
your basic pranks - hand in warm water, and whatnot - believe
me, I have an intimate knowledge of all of them. But what I’m
looking for is something unmistakably ME. A signature prank,
if you will.
Roz: Why don’t you just forget about revenge and give him his two
minutes in the sun?
Frasier: What, at my expense?
Roz: Look at his life! You guys used to be equals, now he’s stuck
downstairs in that dark, musty archives room. You must have
some sympathy for him, don’t you?
Frasier: “Dark, musty archives”... I think I could use that!

He grabs his legal pad and starts drawing on a fresh page. Niles,
Daphne, and Gertrude come in.

Niles: Hello, all.
Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Gertrude: Why do we have to stop here? I could make coffee at home.
Niles: Now, now, it’s good to get out of the house, get some fresh
air, exercise those lungs.
Gertrude: My lungs are as strong as ever. Just yesterday, I finished a
whole cigarette in two drags. [off their shocked looks] One
off me record!
Daphne: [sees Frasier’s pad] What’s this?
Frasier: I’m devising the ultimate prank, to get my revenge on
Bulldog.
Niles: Ah, well just beware the dangers of juvenile one-upsmanship.
Only last night, Mrs. Moon challenged a trick-or-treater, and
he responded by pelting our door with eggs.
Gertrude: Yeah, but I got the little monster back, by putting a big,
greasy glob of Vaseline on his doorknob!

Frasier chuckles with her, but Niles and Daphne are appalled.
Clearly, they didn’t know about this.

Niles: You said you’d put an end to it!
Gertrude: Hence the Vaseline.
Daphne: Mum, he’s a child!
Gertrude: Well, it’s time he learned you don’t mess with Gertrude Moon
without incurring my wrath. Now, excuse me, I require cocoa.

She moves off to the counter with dignity.

Frasier: You know, I think she has the right attitude. If I expect
Bulldog to leave me alone, I’ve got to show him that he’s
dealing with a superior intellect.
Roz: Show them the balloon car.

Frasier glares at her, then drops the pad into his briefcase and primly
snaps it shut.

Frasier: I’m sure Da Vinci’s early notes were full of laughs too! [gets
up] Excuse me, I have devising to do!

At the counter, Gertrude receives her cocoa from the Barista (the same
unflappable one from [9.19] “Deathtrap”), who then refers to a bill.

Barista: That’ll be... $32.03.
Gertrude: For one drink?!
Barista: Your grandson ordered a bunch of cakes, and he said it was
all on you.

He points over her shoulder. She turns and sees Jason, laden with BAGS
and grinning.

Jason: Thanks for the treats, Grandma!

He runs out, with a livid Gertrude in hot pursuit. Daphne and Niles
moan and droop in their seats.

FADE TO:

Scene Four - The Montana
Back to Niles’s apartment.

Gertrude comes in, cackling to herself. She’s wearing heavy gloves and
an oil-stained mechanic's smock, carrying a BICYCLE’S FOOT PEDAL
ASSEMBLY, with the chain still dangling from it.

Gertrude: Oh, let’s see the little sod get to school without these.
Oh, this should settle it!

She goes to her room, laughing evilly... not noticing the HUGE GOB OF
SHAVING CREAM dripping out of the air vent above the hallway.

FADE TO:

STORAGE ROOM OF TERROR


[Over the black screen we hear the boom of thunder, and the screen
flashes white two times.]

Scene Five - KACL Storage Room
The storage room in the basement of KACL where Bulldog now works.
It is pitch dark.

Martin slowly opens the door from the stairwell and comes in
hesitantly.

Martin: Is anybody there?

FOUR ZOMBIES rise from behind the stacked boxes and stagger towards
him.

Martin: [acting] Oh, zombies... the living dead. Help, help!
Frasier: Everyone, hold please.

The lights come up. The four zombies - three men and one woman - are
actors, wearing tattered costumes and cadaver makeup.

Frasier is standing in the corner of the room, behind a viewing screen
on a tripod. The screen is connected to a camera mounted in a corner
of the ceiling. Wires crisscross the floor, connected to the screen
and other film set devices.

Roz comes down the stairs and stands next to Martin.

Frasier: Zombie Number Two, what are you doing?
Zombie 2: I’m scaring Bulldog?
Frasier: I see. Is that what zombies do, they scare people?
Zombie 2: Um...
Frasier: Wrong. They eat brains, and THAT’S what scares people. Now,
look, this is our dress rehearsal, let's please try to get
this right. Bulldog comes in, he hears noises, zombies go
after his brain, and his terror is caught on videotape for
us all to enjoy at a later date. Now, let’s try this again.
First marks, please.
Martin: Oh, jeez, Fras, this is the fourth time through. Can
somebody else play Bulldog now?
Frasier: Dad, you said you would help me with this.
Martin: Well, that’s because you said we were gonna do a practical
joke. I thought it would be fun.
Frasier: Whatever gave you that idea? [to one of the actors] Todd, I
am getting “dead” from you. But I am not getting “undead.”
Todd: [bored] Still?
Frasier: Let’s try this then. After rehearsal, I want each of you
to write a paragraph detailing who your character was when
he or she was alive, how they d*ed, and why they’re now after
Bulldog’s brain.

Martin and Roz trade a disbelieving look.

Frasier: Honestly, Roz, you know, you haven't given me much to work
with here. These are the worst actors I’ve ever seen.
Roz: [annoyed] Well, I’m sorry, but the Royal Zombie Company just
left town with its all-zombie production of “Hamlet”!
Martin: How many more times are we going to do this?
Frasier: Why is it that whenever Bulldog pulls off a practical joke,
you all applaud him, as if he’d won some sort of bowl or cup
or other sports dish? But when I ask you to give up a single
Sunday, all I get is complaints?
Martin: Well, because you keep turning it into work! This is supposed
to be fun! Like a day at the beach! Oh, you do this kind of
thing all the time.
Frasier: Like when?
Martin: Well, the last time we went to the beach!
Frasier: A lot of people bring rakes!
Roz: Look, Frasier, it’s not too late to back out of this. Face
it, jokes just aren’t your specialty.
Frasier: What is that supposed to mean?
Martin: Well, what she means, son, is that we all have our different
blessings. And Bulldog’s good at jokes and fun, and you’re
good at... reading, and, uh... telling people about the things
you read.
Frasier: Are you saying that you think I can’t pull this off?
Roz: Oh, I wouldn’t put it that way.
Martin: I would.
Frasier: But I’ve worked this out to the last detail, nothing can go
wrong!
Roz: Everything’s gonna go wrong! For one thing, Bulldog’s gonna
know something’s up, ‘cause Kenny hardly ever makes him work
at night! And then look at all these cameras and all these
wires, I mean, what if he spots these?
Martin: And the zombies, as soon as he sees them he’s gonna know it’s
a prank, because he just pranked you! [composure cracks] And
there are no such things as zombies!!!

Frasier slowly raises his arm, and imperiously points to the door.

Frasier: You, sir... are released!

Martin nods gratefully and walks out.

Frasier: [to Roz] And you as well!

She leaves, following Martin up the stairs. Frasier sticks his head
through the door and yells up the stairs.

Frasier: I’ll pull this thing off by myself, proving you don’t know
what you’re talking about! I don’t need any of you!

Taking this to be their cue, the zombies start to file out.

Frasier: Wait, zombies, I do need you! [up the stairs] But no one else!
I’ll show all of you! You mark my words, tomorrow night I get
my revenge!

As if to mark his point, a cr*ck of thunder comes from one of the
machines sitting on a box, which then starts to blow misty smoke.

Frasier: Ah, good, the effects machine’s working again. [claps hands]
All right, everyone, back to your first marks.

The zombies wearily resume their places as Frasier returns to the
camera.

[N.B. Kelsey Grammer is no doubt perfectly familiar with all this
equipment by now, having directed many episodes himself.]

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Scene Six - The Montana
At Niles’s apartment, Gertrude is pacing in the living room when
someone knocks on the door. She opens it to a Courier.

Gertrude: Where have you been?
Courier: I'm sorry, I had a hard time finding this place. I checked
the directory for “Crane,” but it had “Old Bat” next to this
apartment number.

Gertrude turns to a large toy box sitting next to the door.

Gertrude: [to herself] A little obvious, but not bad.

She picks up the box and gives it to him.

Gertrude: I want you to deliver this “Baby-I-Have-To-Tinkle” doll to
Jason White, Floyd Middle School. [gives him a paper] This
is the address. I mean, he should be in gym class about now.
Courier: I don’t think I’m allowed to just walk into his school,
ma'am.
Gertrude: No, it’s OK. I’m his grandmother. [points to the paper] And
you have to say this.
Courier: [reading] “Your mommy said, bring this to you at school to
lift your spirits. See? A dolly has accidents too.” You
really want me to say that?
Gertrude: Yes, and very loudly. The poor thing’s hard-of-hearing.

She tips the Courier and sends him off.

Gertrude: [raises both fists] Yes!

FADE TO:

TALES FROM THE CRYPT

Scene Seven - KACL
Frasier is sitting in his booth, which has been modified to a
director’s booth. On a small television is a black-and-white
image from the ceiling-mounted camera in the basement. Frasier
is wearing a headset radio, and also has a control panel in front
of him.

Frasier: Todd, take off that baseball cap. You’re undead, not uncouth.

On the screen, Todd removes his baseball cap and signals acknowledgement
at the camera. Behind Frasier, Martin and Roz enter the booth.

Frasier: All right, everyone, step lively, look sharp. It’s almost
showtime. Give me a final room tone check, please, and...
take your marks.
Martin: Hey, Fras.
Frasier: Well... hello. You’ve come to watch me fail, I suppose.
Roz: No, we just want to come join you.
Martin: Yeah, we’re sorry about that stuff we said yesterday.
Roz: Yeah, we came to see you have your day. It’s long overdue.
Frasier: Maybe I don’t want you here.
Roz: What do you mean?
Frasier: You abandon me in my hour of need, now you’re here to revel in
my success, just like in Boswell's “Life of Johnson.”
Martin: What?
Frasier: It was something-I-read.
Martin: I guess we deserved that - whatever the hell it means.
Roz: Come on, Frasier, we’re sorry. Just let us watch.
Frasier: All right, apology accepted. You may observe - in silence.
Make yourselves comfortable.

They stand behind him, eyes on the screen - and struggling to hide
their smiles. Frasier focuses evilly on the screen, looking for all
the world like Dr. Frankenstein as he manipulates his control panel.

Frasier: And prepare to witness a man brought to the very edge of
madness!
Martin: [in Roz’s ear] I think he’s already there.

FADE TO:

Scene Eight - The Montana
Gertrude is reading on the couch. Niles and Daphne come down, dressed
for an evening out.

Daphne: Mum, we’re off to the symphony.
Gertrude: Haven’t the Germans punished us enough?

Niles opens the door - and a GARBAGE CAN that was leaning against the
door tips inside, spilling trash all over the floor.

Niles/Daphne: Oh!/Bloody hell!
Niles: Where did this come from?
Gertrude: [innocently] Oh, you must have crossed someone.
Daphne: [not fooled] Mother...

Donald and Beverly White, Jason’s parents, appear in the doorway.

Donald: Oh my God! I’m so sorry! We were just coming down the hall,
and we saw you open your door. This is our trash can!
Daphne: What was it doing there?
Beverly: [out into the hall] Jason, get back here! [to Niles] It seems
our children have been feuding. We’re very embarrassed.
Niles: You’re embarrassed? Meet our daughter.

He motions into the room. The Whites are somewhat taken aback to see a
sixtyish woman sitting there.

Gertrude: [waves cheerfully] Hello!

Jason comes in, sullen.

Jason: I have a lot of homework...
Beverly: Stay!
Donald: Jason, have you been fighting with this woman?
Jason: Well, she broke my bike and made me have to see a counselor at
school!

Now Donald and Beverly look appalled, and Gertrude is the one on the
spot.

Gertrude: [gets up] I think I left something in the kitchen...
Daphne: Stay!
Gertrude: I am an adult! I can do anything I want! [stamps her foot]
Niles: No. While you’re living under our roof, you’ll follow our
rules.
Daphne: You two should be ashamed of yourselves. What if someone got
hurt?
Jason: Good.
Beverly: Jason! You are one step away from losing your broadband
connection. Now apologize and shake hands.

Jason reluctantly comes over and holds out his hand.

Gertrude: [putting her arms on her hips] Pish.
Niles: What if I told you you couldn’t smoke your pipes in your room
anymore?

Gertrude relents and takes Jason’s hand.

Gertrude/Jason: [mumbling] I’m sorry.
Daphne: Now, you two are going to clean up this mess.
Beverly: And Jason, come straight home when you’re finished.

They leave.

Daphne: And this place better be spotless by the time we get back.

She steps out the door. Niles stops and points a warning finger at
both of them, before following her.

Jason: I wish I was all grown-up, and I wouldn’t have to follow
their stupid rules!
Gertrude: Oh, nothing changes, trust me.

They sit still for a moment, sulking.

Jason: You know... my mom hates bugs. She screams like a girl.
Gertrude: [elbows him] So does my son-in-law!
Jason: I know where we can find some crickets.
Gertrude: No! Now, we should do as we’re told, and start cleaning up.
Jason: OK.

They go over and Gertrude rights the garbage can.

Gertrude: That way, they won’t be expecting it!

She and Jason laugh as they start to pick up the garbage.

FADE TO:

NO ZOMBIES WERE HARMED IN
THE FILMING OF THIS EPISODE


Scene Nine - KACL
Frasier is still at his console. By now, Kenny has joined Martin and
Roz behind him, and all three of them are twitching with excitement.

Kenny: This is so great! I can’t wait! I’m getting goose bumps!
[holds out his arm and rolls up his sleeve] Feel me, feel me!
Frasier: Kenny, what was the condition of my letting you watch?

Kenny puts a finger to his lips and retreats to the back.

On the screen, Bulldog comes into the storage room.

Frasier: There he is. Cue creaking noise one... [presses a button on
the panel]

CUT TO: the Storage Room
As before, the room is dimly lit. But unlike the rehearsal scene, here
the effect is genuinely eerie - even more so when Bulldog hears a soft
creaking noise.

Bulldog: Hello? Who’s there?

CUT TO: Booth

Frasier: Cue creaking noise two. [presses another button]

CUT TO: Storage Room

Bulldog hears another creaking noise, louder and yet more distant.
He looks around nervously.

CUT TO: Booth

Frasier: Now, let the horror begin... [presses another button]

CUT TO: Storage Room:

The zombies rise from behind the boxes and stagger towards
Bulldog. He gives a yelp of terror and backpedals.

CUT TO: Booth

Roz, Martin, and Kenny laugh, as Frasier glows with evil triumph.

Frasier: Yes! How do you like that, ya big baby! [laughs]

CUT TO: Storage Room

Bulldog screams as the zombies corner him against a wall. He reaches
down, rips through a cabinet, and holds up a REVOLVER.

Bulldog: Get back!

CUT TO: Booth

Frasier and the others look at the screen, suddenly shocked, hearing
Bulldog’s yelling - and then a g*nsh*t! On the screen, they see Todd
collapse onto his back.

Frasier: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! [tears off his headphones and rushes
out] CALL 9-1-1, CALL 9-1-1!

Kenny grabs the phone and dials frantically - but as soon as Frasier is
gone, Roz starts laughing.

Martin: Don’t worry about it, Kenny! It’s just a joke!
Kenny: What are you talking about?!
Martin: It’s a fake g*n!
Kenny: What?
Martin: It’s-a-fake-g*n!
Kenny: [still unsure] What about the b*ll*ts?

Roz and Martin laugh harder.

Roz: It’s a joke! Bulldog found out about Frasier’s prank, so we
set him up!
Kenny: [laughing] That is awesome! I can’t believe he fell for it!
Roz: Come on, we got to go tell Frasier what’s going on!
Kenny: You guys go ahead... [Roz and Martin run out] I think I’m
gonna stay here and puke.

CUT TO: Storage Room
As the other three zombies flee the room, screaming, Todd lies on his
back on the floor. Bulldog still has the g*n when Frasier comes
tearing in. Roz and Martin are right behind him, followed shortly by
Kenny.

Frasier: Stop! Stop! It was all a joke! Oh my God, what have I
done?!
Martin: What’s the big deal, he was already a zombie! [laughs]
Frasier: Are you insane?! Call an ambulance!

Todd bolts up and grabs Frasier, making him yell and jump. Bulldog,
Martin, Roz, and Kenny laugh uproariously.

Frasier: What is going on here?
Roz: [points] Wave to the camera, Frasier!
Frasier: What?
Bulldog: Got you again, all on tape. Who’s the king?

There’s laughter all around, except from Todd, who gets up and leans
back against the wall, staggering slightly.

Frasier: That isn’t funny, I could have had a heart att*ck!
Martin: Oh, sorry, Fras, we just couldn’t resist.
Frasier: Well, at least nobody was hurt. You bested me, Bulldog,
again!

Todd steps forward, reaching behind his back with his hands as if
trying to scratch.

Todd: Dr. Crane, I think I hurt my back...
Frasier: What?

Todd suddenly collapses forward, showing a SCISSORS HANDLE sticking out
of his back. Everyone GASPS.

ALL SCREAMING:

Roz: OH MY GOD!!!
Martin: WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!
Kenny: SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!
Martin: WHERE’S THE PHONE?! WHERE’S THE PHONE?!

As Frasier grabs one off the desk, and everyone runs around in panic -

Frasier: Roz, get the first aid kit out of the closet!
Roz: OK! OK! [runs over]
Bulldog: No, no, not the-!

Roz opens the closet and SHRIEKS as she sees Noel hanging inside the
door by a MEAT HOOK impaled through his bloody chest.

Martin: WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON DOWN HERE?!?!

Frasier: Quiet, quiet, everybody! [into phone] Hello? Yes, I’d like to
report... THE GREATEST PRACTICAL JOKE EVER! You’d better send
a fire truck, because you guys just got b*rned! AH-HA-HA-HA-
HA-HA-HAAAAAA!

Frasier and Bulldog laugh while everyone else stares at them, open-
mouthed.

Roz: Wait, what?!
Noel: [looking up] Hi, Roz!

She SHRIEKS again. Todd gets up, quite unharmed.

Bulldog: You should see the look on your faces! This is truly a
classic!
Martin: This was all just a joke?
Kenny: Awesome!

With that, Kenny claps a hand over his mouth and runs out of the room.

Bulldog: Nice work, Doc.
Frasier: Likewise, Bulldog. [they shake hands]
Todd: You think I can get a copy of this for my demo reel?
Frasier: [pats him on the shoulder] Sure thing, Todd. You’ve come a
long way in a short time, young man.

As Todd walks out, Martin plucks the scissors out of the foam pad
underneath his jacket. The blades were splayed out so as to flatten
against his back instead of pointing in.

Martin: Well, Frasier, I’m speechless! You totally had us going!
Roz: I can’t believe it!
Frasier: Admit it, Roz, can I pull off a practical joke, or what?
Roz: I just don’t understand it, you guys worked together?
Bulldog: Yeah, Frasier set the whole thing up.
Frasier: The other day, after you two left, I got to thinking maybe my
joke was aimed at the wrong target. That’s when Bulldog and I
joined forces!
Roz: But we joined forces with him to get you!
Frasier: That’s exactly what you were supposed to think!
Martin: Wow, Fras, I got to give it to you - this was brilliant!
Frasier: Thank you, Dad. What do you say we all go upstairs and watch
the tape, huh?

Everyone agrees enthusiastically and runs upstairs. Bulldog stays
behind to get his jacket from the closet.

Frasier: All right, you guys go ahead. Bulldog?
Bulldog: Yeah?
Frasier: Technically, I still owe you one
Bulldog: Face it, Doc, you will never win. [to Noel, who is still
hanging on the door] Good work, Noel.

Bulldog closes the closet door (replacing Noel inside) and puts on his
jacket.

Bulldog: That’s why you had to join forces with me.

He holds up his hand.

Bulldog: Huh?
Frasier: You’re right.

They slap hands in a hearty high-five.

Bulldog: All right.

Bulldog heads up the stairs, totally unaware of the “I’M PRO OPERA AND
I VOTE” sticker affixed to the back of his jacket.

Frasier chuckles deviously to himself and follows him up.

Credits:

Storage Room:
The janitor comes into the storage room and starts picking up the
various objects scattered by the mayhem. He goes over to the closet
and swings it open without looking inside - thus keeping his back to
Noel, who is still hanging from the door and looking vastly relieved
to have been rescued at last.

But the janitor is wearing headphones and listening to a Walkman, so he
doesn't notice Noel until Noel taps him on the shoulder. The janitor
spins around, sees Noel, and faints dead away. Noel lets out a sigh and
hangs on.

[N.B. The janitor is played by series writer Dan O'Shannon.]