10x13 - Lilith Needs a Favor

[bunniefuu]

Act 1

Scene 1 - An Airliner

[Fade in. Lilith is sitting in first class reading a magazine.
The man next to her (Albert) glances nervously at the window,
then reaches across her to close the shade.]

Albert: Sorry. I'm a nervous flyer.
Lilith: Yes, I see. Oh, you're white as a sheet.
Albert: No, actually, I'm always this pale. My ex-wife used to say
she could tell when I was embarrassed because I'd turn
off-white.
Lilith: I can empathize. Sometimes after a late night, I covered my
under-eye circles with Liquid Paper. So are you traveling to
Seattle for business or pleasure?
Albert: Both, hopefully. I'm relocating for work. How about you?
Lilith: I need to ask an old friend for a favor.
Albert: It's a long trip just to ask for a favor.
Lilith: It's a big favor.
Albert: Well I hope your friend complies.
Lilith: It'll take some work, but I'll get what I want.

[A flight attendant comes up.]

Attendant: Oh, dear, you two look awfully pale. Can I bring you
something?
Lilith: Not unless you have any extra melanin lying around.

[She leaves as Albert laughs.]

Albert: You should be a comedian.
Lilith: I've thought about it.

[She goes back to her reading. Fade out.]

Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment

[Fade in. Martin is walking from the kitchen to his chair. When he
hears keys in the door, he sets his beer down and hurries towards the
bedroom. The door opens and Frasier comes in.]

Frasier: Dad? Dad, Dad! What? Are you hiding?
Martin: I heard the key in the door, I thought Lilith might be with
you. What's she coming for anyway?
Frasier: Well, I don't really know. She said she was flying across
the country to ask me about something that was important.
She's being very mysterious about it.

[He hangs up his coat as the doorbell rings.]

Martin: Is that her?
Frasier: Well, no. No, Dad, I'm not seeing her until tomorrow.
Martin: Well, let me know when she's coming, will you, so I can come
up with an excuse to clear out. Because I'm not good at
winging it.

[Frasier opens the door. It is Lilith.]

Frasier: Oh, Lilith. Hi. Look who's here, Dad.
Lilith: Hello, Martin.

[Martin smiles nervously, then glances at his watch.]

Martin: Oh, time to go... practice my signature.

[He heads for the bedrooms.]

Frasier: Please, come on in, Lilith. So, I didn't think I was going
to be seeing you 'til tomorrow.
Lilith: Yes, I know that was the plan, but I just had to stop by on
my way to the hotel. What I'm here to talk to you about is
not something one just drops on another person. [gesturing
for him to sit] Please.

[He sits down.]

Lilith: [sitting beside him] Frasier, recently a subconscious
yearning has tunneled its way to the surface and I now know
what it is I need in order to make my life complete.
Frasier: Well, that's wonderful news. How can I help?
Lilith: You can give me your sperm.
Frasier: I beg your pardon?
Lilith: I want to have another baby.
Frasier: Well, you certainly don't need me for that. Surely... someone
in Boston must have sperm.
Lilith: I came to you first so that Frederick could have a full sibling.
Frasier: So, just like that we're going to have another baby together.
Lilith: No, not just like that. I mapped out our dominant and
recessive traits on a genome square, applied Mendel's laws,
allowed for anomalies and concluded that you are the best
biological choice.
Frasier: I see. Well, as enticed as I am by your honeyed words, I'm
gonna need some kissin'.
Lilith: Frasier, don't misunderstand, I'm not proposing any change
in our relationship.
Frasier: Would we... sleep together?
Lilith: I thought we'd freeze your sperm.
Frasier: Is that a "yes" or a "no"?
Lilith: Natural fertilization is impractical. I'd have to fly to
Seattle every time I ovulate.
Frasier: [getting up] Right, okay. So, then your plan is for me to
visit some local doctor, freeze my essence and then bring it
home with you.
Lilith: Correct. I'll take mine to go.

[Frasier sits on the arm of Martin's chair.]

Frasier: I don't know. I'm going to have to think about it.
Lilith: [rising] Yes, of course, absolutely. Think about it, and
you can give me your answer tomorrow.

[She heads for the door, Frasier follows.]

Frasier: Okay.
Lilith: You can come back from around the corner now, Martin.
Martin: [from around the corner] Good night, Lilith.
Lilith: Good night.

[She leaves.]

Frasier: You were eavesdropping?

[Martin comes into the living room.]

Martin: It was an accident and I only heard the part about her
wanting to have another baby with you.
Frasier: She completely threw me.

[Martin settles into his chair.]

Martin: Well, I don't know why you're so surprised. She's seen what
the Crane genes can do and she's coming back to the well.
Frasier: How does one respond to something like that?
Martin: Well, I bet if you say "No" she'll go to Niles.
Frasier: Really, it's just so self-centered. I mean, she's got this
all figured out for herself without the slightest
consideration for my life.
Martin: And Niles'll say "No" for sure. Which means only one thing.
[He gets a worried look.] She'll come to the source. Me.
The fountainhead.
Frasier: What?
Martin: Can you imagine? Lilith's and my kid would be brother to you
and Niles AND Freddie.
Frasier: What are you talking about?
Martin: And if you and Lilith got back together, you'd be his
step-father and his brother and Niles would be your son and
his own uncle. It's almost worth doing just so that I can
tell the story.

[Frasier just waves this off as he heads to his room. Fade out.]

Scene 3 - Cafe Nervosa

[Fade in. Frasier is sitting at a table. Niles walks in.]

Frasier: Oh, hi, Niles. Did Daphne and her mom get off okay?
Niles: [sitting down] Yes. They picked up Roz and Alice an hour
ago. Although, how they're going to get all the way to
Canada without k*lling each other, I don't know.
Frasier: Why did they have to go so far?
Niles: Well, that was my idea. I read that Canadian Fun Country is
one of the best amusement parks in southeastern British
Columbia.
Frasier: Well, I'm just saying Daphne's mom should be careful, you
know. If you're here on a temporary visa, you know sometimes
people have a hard time getting back into the country.
Niles: [deadpan] That hadn't occurred to me, Frasier.

[N.B. Niles no doubt recalls the family trip in [1.21.],
“Travels With Martin,” in which the Cranes strayed over
the border before Daphne’s green card had come through,
and they had to smuggle her back posing as an American.]

Frasier: Well, seeing as how you're single, I'd invite you to join me
for dinner, but I'm meeting with Lilith tonight on a matter
of some delicacy.
Niles: Dad told me. Now listen, don't feel obligated because she's
buying you dinner.
Frasier: Truth be told, Niles, I hadn't ruled it out entirely. It
would be nice to have another child. And Lilith is a
wonderful mother. It's just that, well, is it right to
create a human being with a woman to whom you couldn't stand
being married?
Niles: Well, I'm behind you whatever decision you make, the right
one or the crazy one.
Frasier: Thank you.

[Niles calls out to the passing Barista.]

Niles: Excuse me, may I have an espresso?

[The waiter nods and heads off. Frasier notices an envelope Niles
brought in.]

Frasier: What have you got here?
Niles: Oh, some snapshots from last summer at the beach. Daphne
finally got them developed.

[He shows them to Frasier who starts chuckling.]

Frasier: Oh, there's Dad eating that hot dog he dropped in the sand.
And you, in your linen beach ensemble.
Niles: Very nice, yes. Well that's strange. Daphne said I'd
particularly like the last picture on the roll but what is
it?
Frasier: It's hard to tell, it's too dark and blurry.
Niles: Looks like the eye of Jupiter.
Frasier: Or a slice of pepperoni
Niles: Is it a flying saucer?
Frasier: Yes, Niles, it's a flying saucer. Mystery solved, well done.

[The Barista brings Niles's coffee over and sees the photo.]

Barista: Hey, where'd you get the nipple sh*t?
Frasier: Good lord!

[Frasier and Niles look again in shock, then Niles clutches the photo
to his chest.]

Niles: You are to erase that from your mind.
Frasier: Is it Daphne?
Barista: Nice.
Niles: You're not erasing! Erase!

[The Barista heads off as Niles points a warning finger at Frasier.
Fade out.]

Scene 4 - Daphne's Car

[Fade in. Daphne is driving, with Roz next to her and Alice and
Gertrude in the back.]

Roz: I need to stop again.
Daphne: We just stopped. I told you not to get that Big Gulp.
Roz: But it was only ten cents more.
Alice: Punch buggy blue!

[She hits Gertrude on the arm.]

Gertrude: Ow! Dammit!
Daphne: Language!
Gertrude: Why does she keep doing that?
Roz: It's a game.
Gertrude: It hurts.
Daphne: All right, mum.
Roz: There's a gas station right there, I really need to stop.
Daphne: I can't get over, you'll have to wait.
Roz: But according to this, my bladder is holding "Thirsty-Two"
ounces of soda.
Daphne: It's only forty miles.
Alice: Punch buggy red.

[She hits Gertrude on the arm.]

Gertrude: Oh! Son of a...!
Daphne: Language!
Roz: Alice, honey. Stop hitting Mrs. Moon. She can't take the
punch buggy game.
Gertrude: Oh, really? Punch buggy white!

[She knuckles Roz on the shoulder.]

Roz: Ow! It was a Jeep!
Gertrude: I play the Jeeps. And Ford. Punch buggy Ford.

[She whacks Roz on the head.]

Roz: Ow!

[Roz turns around to get her back.]

Daphne: All right, that's enough. You stop it or no one's going to
Canadian Fun Country. And this time I mean it!

[They go for a minute in silence, then Gertrude screams and points,
startling screams from everyone else.]

Gertrude: I'm sorry. I thought you were on the wrong side of the
road. I will never get used to the crazy way you drive
over here.
Daphne: Mum, you have to stop doing that.
Roz: Daphne, you seem stressed. Do you want me to drive for
a while?
Daphne: Maybe once we get out of Seattle.

[Fade out.]

Scene 5 - A Restaurant

[Fade in. Frasier and Lilith are sitting at a table looking over
menus.]

Lilith: Frasier, I don't want to rush you, but the suspense is too
much to bear. Have you decided?
Frasier: I'm thinking about the linguini.
Lilith: I see. It's "No,” then, isn't it?
Frasier: I'm sorry, Lilith. This was a very difficult decision for me
and I am touched and flattered that you came to me, but I'm
not sure I'd be doing it for the right reason. You
understand, don't you?
Lilith: Yes, I do. And I appreciate your taking the time to think
about it. It's that kind of consideration I was hoping to
pass on to our second born. Oh, well. So, the pasta is good
here?
Frasier: Oh, the best.

[She glances at the menu some more, then begins to quietly sing to the
tune of the “Ode to Joy” chorus of Beethoven's 9th.]

Lilith: My dad is the gweatest dad because he cooks me Cweam of
Wheat...
Frasier: [glaring at her] Lilith, what are you singing?
Lilith: Was I singing?
Frasier: You were singing "My Dad Is the Gweatest Dad."
Lilith: Oh, you mean that song Frederick wrote for you when he was
four.
Frasier: That video is one of my prized possessions. Of course I
haven't looked at it in some time.
Lilith: I remember the night we surprised you with it. He crawled
up in your lap and said "Why is Daddy cwying?"
Frasier: I see what you're doing, you know.
Lilith: What?
Frasier: You are attempting to manipulate me by invoking powerful
emotional memories.
Lilith: I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth.

[A waiter comes up.]

Waiter: Are you ready to order?
Lilith: Yes. I'll have the basgetti and beatmalls.
Waiter: Mmm. Very good Miss.
Lilith: That's what our son used to say when he was three.
Waiter: Excellent.
Frasier: And I'll have the veal.
Waiter: Bravo, sir.

[He takes the menus and heads away.]

Frasier: Lilith, I'm afraid you're idealizing parenthood. Do you
remember colic, teething, changing mountains of diapers?
Lilith: Do you remember that time in the bath when he tried to eat
the bubbles? We told him to stop, but we kept laughing so
he thought it was funny and kept doing it.
Frasier: You know, I'd forgotten that. Oh, I wish we had that on video.

[She grabs his hand.]

Lilith: You can, Frasier. We can have those days back again.
Please, I just need is a couple of teaspoons.
Frasier: Lilith!
Lilith: Just think about what Frederick has meant in our lives.
Frasier: I think about it every day.
Lilith: Frasier, we're always seeking ways we can leave a legacy.
Well, forget my research and your work, this is it! What
better gift can we bestow on the world but another person as
wonderful as Frederick?

[Frasier signals the waiter passing by.]

Frasier: Excuse me, I've changed my mind. I've decided that I too
will have the basgetti and beatmalls.

[Lilith looks up at him, grateful. Fade out.]

End of Act 1

Act 2

Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa

[Fade in. Niles is sitting at a table, Frasier is getting juice at the
counter.]

Frasier: Thank you.

[He comes over to join Niles]

Frasier: Gosh, that coffee smells so good. Lilith won't let me have
any caffeine until I've made my little donation.

[He sits down.]

Niles: Of course.
Frasier: So, have you heard from Daphne?
Niles: No, we keep missing each other. I'm just glad I have our
little... pictorial memento to keep me company.
Frasier: I can't believe you're so taken with that blurry,
over-exposed photo of a...
Niles: Shh!!
Frasier: Of what you first mistook to be a flying saucer!
Niles: I just think it's sexy that she even did it. Just imagine
it: she saw that there was one picture left on the roll,
and in a spontaneous moment of brazen exhibitionism, she
threw open her blouse and didn't even bother to adjust the
f-stop. Yes indeed, I am married to one spicy meatball.

[He opens his jacket and checks the picture.]

Frasier: Good lord! Don't tell me you carry it around with you.
Niles: Well, I didn't want the housekeeper to find it and think we
were p*rn.

[Frasier just takes this in stride. Fade out.]

SOME MAGAZINES, A SPECIMEN CUP,
AND A RECORDING OF
"TRISTAN UND ISOLDE"


Scene 2 - The Fertility Clinic

[Fade in. Frasier and Lilith are checking in.]

Nurse: Just fill out these forms and I can show you to one of our
donation suites.

[Fraser takes a clipboard and he and Lilith sit. As he fills out the
form, the man across from him glances up.]

Man: Will this be your first?
Frasier: No, I've been doing this since I was twelve.

[Lilith kicks him gently.]

Frasier: You mean baby. No, no, this is our second.
Man: We've got number four on the way.
Lilith: And we're thrilled for you, but perhaps we could chat some
other time when we're not trying to create life. [to
Frasier] Sign and date.
Frasier: Right.

[He finishes up the form and Lilith takes it back to the window.]

Man: This process can be hard on a relationship, but she'll relax
and things'll get better.
Frasier: We're already divorced.
Man: Good, 'cause she'll never change.

[The man's wife slaps him on the shoulder at this. Lilith comes back.]

Lilith: Up and at 'em.

[He gets up.]

Nurse: Follow me, sir.

[She leads him to a room.]

Nurse: Just go in and make yourself comfortable. You'll find
everything you need in the cabinet.
Frasier: Thank you.

[He starts in, but Lilith stops him.]

Lilith: Oh, wait Frasier. It probably doesn't matter, but try to
think positive thoughts.
Frasier: Thanks for that. I was going to think about the plight of
the American Indian.
Lilith: I'm just saying we should put the welfare of the sample
first.

[He goes into the room and closes the door. Lilith turns away, then
turns back and taps on the door.]

Frasier: [from inside] Yes?
Lilith: And don't fall asleep afterwards, I want to get these puppies
on ice ASAP.
Frasier: Goodbye now.

[She starts away, but turns back again, tapping on the door.]

Lilith: Just a hint...
Frasier: Lilith! If there is ONE thing I can do BY MYSELF, this is
it! Now go away.

[She heads back to the seats.]

Nurse: Right this way.

[She leads the other couple off as Lilith sits down and dials her cell
phone. A cell phone rings in Frasier's donation suite. He yanks the
door open, furious.]

Frasier: What?!
Lilith: I just remembered a special method which supposedly increases
the likelihood of having a boy.
Frasier: I see. Is there something I can do to increase the
likelihood that we won't have a meddling control freak?
Lilith: No, but perhaps you can use a method that will give us a baby
that can take other people's advice.
Frasier: I would settle for a method where it won't turn out to be a
sarcastic prig!
Lilith: Oh, just do it!
Frasier: Fine!
Lilith: Wait, I don't want you to do it when you're mad. Why don't
we just take a minute to sit down and breathe?
Frasier: It's your dime.

[He comes out and sits down beside her.]

Frasier: Oh, dear God. What if this child inherits all of our flaws
instead of our strengths? We could create a real nightmare.
Lilith: That's not going to happen. It's going to be exactly the way
it was the first time.
Frasier: Is that what's going on here? Are we trying to create a baby
or just trying to recreate the past? I mean, Frederick's
almost grown now, it's only natural to feel a sense of loss.
Lilith: Frasier, don't be simplistic.
Frasier: No, Lilith, I know what you're going through. You want to
feel needed and loved as you were when you were a new mother.
The past can be very seductive. I mean, I've fallen into it
too: I'm trying to relive Freddie's childhood. You can't
use the past to fill what's missing in the present. It's
gone.
Lilith: Frasier, I've done a lot of thinking and this feels right to
me.
Frasier: But it's not right for me. I'm sorry.
Lilith: I'm sorry too.

[They get up and hug.]

Frasier: You all right?
Lilith: I'm fine. If I can't make anther little Frederick with you,
there's always cloning.

[Frasier's jaw drops.]

Lilith: And you still don't know when I'm joking.
Frasier: I, well, I...

[He grabs his coat.]

Frasier: Lilith, what are you going to do now?
Lilith: Well, I'm going to go home and give Frederick a very big hug.

[She opens the door.]

Lilith: And maybe swab the inside of his cheek.
Frasier: Oh, stop that!

[They head out. Fade out.]

Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment

[Fade in. Martin is in his chair, eating a snack. Niles comes in the
front.]

Niles: Oh, you already ate. I was gonna take you to Bogart's.
Martin: Bogart's? [putting the dish down] Oh, don't worry about
that, I was just eatin' it because it was here. I wasn't
eatin' it to get full. Just give me two minutes.

[He gets up and heads for his room. As Niles sits on the couch his
cell phone rings and he answers.]

Niles: Hello?
Daphne: [voice over] Oh, Niles, darling.
Niles: Daphne!

[Cut to - Daphne and the others in her car.]

Daphne: I thought I'd never reach you. We were booted from the park
and are coming home. It seems someone put out a cigarette
on a stuffed moose.
Gertrude: I didn't know it was stuffed, I was defending myself.
Niles: [v.o.] I loved those pictures you left for me.

[Cut to - Niles on the couch.]

Niles: More specifically, the last one.

[He pulls it out of his pocket.]

Daphne: [v.o.] Something a little different, eh?
Niles: Indeed it is. I can't even believe you took it.

[Cut to - Daphne.]

Daphne: I didn't take it, your father did.

[Cut to - Niles.]

Niles: No, I don't think so. I'm talking about the last picture on
the roll, the close-up.

[Cut to - Daphne.]

Daphne: Yeah. You're father was trying to get a picture of Eddy, but
instead he got a picture of his own chest.

[Cut to - Niles looking troubled.]

Niles: This is Dad's...?

[Cut to - Daphne.]

Daphne: That's his nipple.

[Cut to - Niles looking horrified. Martin comes in as Niles slowly
rises.]

Martin: Oh, I can't wait to get to Bogart's. I know just what I'm
going to get: the barbecue chicken breast. They have the
juiciest one in town. Or, or the lamb. They serve an
enormous rack.
Niles: [flustered] Great.
Martin: You might want to get an overcoat of Frasier's out of there.
It's supposed to be pretty nippy tonight.

[Niles, troubled, grabs the coat. Frasier comes in.]

Frasier: Oh, hi Dad. Where are you going?
Martin: Oh, Niles is here. We're just going out for a bite. You
want to join us?
Frasier: Sure.
Martin: So, how's Lilith?
Frasier: I just dropped her off at the airport. She's disappointed,
but she knows that we're doing the right thing.
Martin: Well, for what it's worth, I think you are too, son.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad. I just hope she finds what's missing in her
life.

[Dissolve to - Lilith on the airplane, looking out the window. Someone
approaches.]

Albert: Hey, pasty.

[She looks up and sees the man who was sitting next to her when she
flew in to Seattle.]

Lilith: Oh, hello.
Albert: May I?
Lilith: Yes, certainly.

[He sits down.]

Lilith: What happened? I thought you were relocating to Seattle.
Albert: Oh, it wasn't a fit. I'm going back to Boston. I don't know,
call me neurotic, I just can't work in a lab that's not
immaculate.
Lilith: You work in a lab?
Albert: Mm-hmm. I'm a physicist.
Lilith: Really?

[She looks at him speculatively.]

Lilith: My name's Lilith.

[They shake hands.]

Albert: Ah, the demon-goddess. Are you like the independent fireball
that was your predecessor?
Lilith: I make her look like a vacillating cream puff.
Albert: Albert.

[They shake hands again.]

Albert: What happened with your friend? Did you get your favor?
Lilith: It's a long story.
Albert: Well, it's, it's a long flight.

[She smiles at him and settles in to talk. Fade out.]

Credits:

Niles is at Frasier's apartment, glancing around furtively. He pulls
the photo out of his pocket and reels from the image of what he's been
fantasizing over, falling into Martin's chair, then reeling away from
it. He does an antsy little dance, then tears the photo up. He walks
into the kitchen and throws it away. Martin is busy at the counter and
turns around, holding up two plates with white scoops of ice cream with
cherries on top. He offers one to Niles who just turns and marches
away. Martin shrugs reflectively and turns back with a "more for me"
smile on his face.