10x16 - Fraternal Schwinns

[bunniefuu]

Act 1

Scene 1 - KACL

[Fade in. Frasier is on the air.]

Frasier: Gosh, it's been such fun talking about psycho-pharmacological
solutions to maladaptive personality traits that I can't
believe the three hours is almost gone. Up next is the news
followed by...

[Roz raps on the window and holds up a note that reads 'BIKE-A-THON".]

Frasier: Oh, but Roz is reminding me that next Saturday is the first
annual KACL AIDS Bike-A-Thon. It's bound to be an afternoon
of family, fun, and lots of surprises, so dust off your
velocipedes and I'll see you there.

[He disconnects and stands up as Kenny comes in.]

Kenny: Great pitch, Doc. So, uh, what are the surprises?
Frasier: Well, first and foremost: I am not going.
Roz: But you just told them you'd see them there.
Frasier: Yes, Roz, I'm merely getting the rubes into the tent. I will
gladly give my money, but spending the afternoon riding
bicycles with a bunch of hooligans is not my idea of fun.
Kenny: It's just kids and families.
Frasier: Yes, well so was the KACL family picnic at the zoo, until
those urchins jostled me into the orangutan grove. Let me
tell you: orangutans are not the playful gentlemen of the
trees the nature shows claim.

[Julia walks in.]

Julia: Hello.
Kenny: Hey, Julia.
Frasier: Julia.
Kenny: You're goin' to the Bike-A-Thon, right?
Roz: Oh, don't embarrass her, Kenny. I mean, it's gotta be tough,
finding a comfortable bike seat when you're such a tight-ass.
Julia: This from a woman who "peddles" her ass all over town.

[Roz starts for her.]

Roz: Okay, lady...

[Frasier grabs Roz and pulls her back.]

Frasier: All right, stalemate. Well done, well done. Keep moving,
come on.

[He ushers her back to her booth.]

Kenny: So, Bike-A-Thon, you're in, right?
Julia: Nah, I can't be bothered, I'll just send a check.
Kenny: Oh, cheese and rice, what's wrong with you people?
Julia: Relax, Kenny, I'm just pulling your leg. How can I not go?
This is funding AIDS research, for God's sake. I know you
think I'm heartless and self centered, but at least give me
credit for being human.
Kenny: Well, Frasier's not goin'.

[Frasier lets out a forced, fake laugh.]

Frasier: What? Kenny, come on! I was pulling your leg too! I tell
you what, we should have a fund raiser for your sense of
humor. All right, I'll see you there.

[He claps Kenny on the back, then crosses through Roz's side of the
booth.]

Roz: You're pathetic.
Frasier: I know.

[He exits. Fade out.]

Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Building

[Fade in. Martin is hurrying to catch the elevator.]

Martin: Hold it!

[He hurries and presses the button so the doors open again. He steps
inside, then notices the other person. It is Cora Winston, the mother
of Frasier's upstairs neighbor, last seen in [9.24] "The Love You Fake."

Martin: Cora. Hi.
Cora: Marty.

[The doors close and the elevator starts up. Martin looks nervous,
Cora looks firmly ahead.]

Martin: Visiting your son?
Cora: Yes.
Martin: Cora, I'm sorry, but I gotta ask you. What happened? I
thought we had a pretty nice thing, but then you stopped
returning my calls.
Cora: Why don't you ask your other girlfriend?
Martin: What other girlfriend?
Cora: That bizarre English lady who told me to leave you alone.
Because she was in the British Secret Service and had a
license to k*ll.

[The doors open.]

Cora: Here's your stop.
Martin: Oh, geez, that was Daphne's mother. She had a thing for me,
but it was never mutual.

[The doors close and the elevator continues.]

Martin: Did she show you a badge? Always ask to see a badge.
Cora: I knew she wasn't a secret agent. But she was pretty
convincing about the two of you.
Martin: Oh, Cora, I'm so sorry. It's not true.

[The doors open again and they step out into the foyer on Cam's floor.]

Cora: I'm sorry too. I should have asked about her.
Martin: Well, hey, it's cleared up now. Maybe we could pick up where
we left off. Or skip ahead, your choice.
Cora: That would've been nice, but I've been seeing someone lately.
Martin: Oh, sure, of course you have. Stupid of me.
Cora: But I'm very glad to see you again. Please give Eddie my
love.
Martin: Oh, yeah. He'll be sorry he missed you. He liked your
ankles.

[She goes into Cam's apartment. When the door closes, Martin smacks
his cane against the floor in frustration, then turns and mashes the
button for the elevator, furious. Fade out.]

Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment

[Fade in. Gertrude and Daphne are on the couch. Niles is leaning
against the table behind it. Frasier hurries in.]

Frasier: Oh, sorry for the hold up, guys. Ah, listen, I think it's
best if we take separate cars to the flower show. See, later
I have to go buy a bicycle.

[Daphne gets up and heads to the kitchen.]

Niles: For whom?
Frasier: Well, for me. I've been dragooned into riding for the KACL
AIDS Bike-A-Thon.
Niles: Poor devil, spending the day on a bike. I don't envy you.

[He starts seriously, but a malicious grin breaks through. Daphne
sticks her head out of the kitchen.]

Daphne: Niles, why don't we enter the Bike-A-Thon?

[She ducks back into the kitchen, leaving Niles stunned and nervous.
He looks to Frasier, who is grinning.]

Frasier: You had to see that coming.

[Daphne comes out of the kitchen.]

Daphne: We can all go to the shop together, after the flower show.
Niles: Sure, why not.
Gertrude: Oh, you two would look so cute on matching bicycles.
Niles: I guess it would be a kick, eh Frasier?
Gertrude: Not you two, ya nit! You and Daphne.

[Martin comes in, slams the door and points at Gertrude.]

Martin: You!
Gertrude: Hello.
Martin: I just had a very interesting discussion with Cora Winston.
Seems someone claiming to be my girlfriend scared her off.
Gertrude: Oh dear. Is she the woman from the bookstore?
Martin: No. The bookstore?!
Daphne: Mum, is this true?
Gertrude: Well, I'm sure I don't know what Marty's talking about, but
it was probably back when we were an item.
Martin: We were NEVER an item! Now I would like for you to leave.
Frasier: Now Dad, calm down. I'm sure you can talk this over with
Cora and have a good laugh afterwards.
Martin: Ha ha! Very funny. Now that she's practically married to
this guy.
Gertrude: [rising] Oh, Martin, I'm sorry. I guess didn't realize...
Martin: Apology not accepted. You went too far, we are no longer
speaking.
Gertrude: Marty...
Niles: No, no, Mrs. Moon. Mrs. Moon...shut up.

[He ushers her out the door.]

Frasier: Uh, Dad, we're leaving now. We're going over to the flower
show and after that we're going to a sporting goods store to
buy a couple of bikes.
Martin: Nice try, Fras, but I'm too mad to laugh.

[Frasier, nonplussed, just closes the door behind him. Fade out.]

Scene 4 - The Sporting Goods Store

[Fade in. Frasier and Niles are with a salesman, looking over a
selection of bikes.]

Niles: This one has good lines. You have any without this bar
here?
Salesman: You mean girl's bikes. Sure.
Niles: Good. 'Cause my wife's a girl and she'll need one of those.
Salesman: Nice. Maybe I'll go see how she's doing.

[He walks off. Niles covers his face.]

Frasier: Niles, we can't stall much longer. I mean, one seems as good
as the next, is there anything else we need?
Niles: Hmm, let me see. Oh, yes, I know. We need to know HOW TO
RIDE THEM!
Frasier: Shh! We will learn.
Niles: Oh, as easy as that? Look at these machines, Frasier. These
are BICYCLES! There is nothing between you and the ground
but the ground itself.
Frasier: Yes! And if a child of FOUR can ride one, then so can we.
Niles: That's what we said when we were six! If Daphne finds out,
she'll probably...

[He breaks off as a man in biking gear comes over to look at the bikes
they're standing at.]

Frasier: Metal spokes. I like that.
Niles: I should buy the horn separately.
Frasier: Uh-huh.

[The man walks away.]

Niles: That was close.
Frasier: Niles, I am not going to look like an idiot at that
Bike-A-Thon. Tonight, I am going to a parking lot and come
hell or high water, I am going to master cycling. You're
welcome to join me.
Niles: I guess I could sneak out. Perhaps it's time to slay the
dragon.
Frasier: That's the stuff, brother.

[The customer comes over by them again.]

Niles: Call me crazy, but I like a bouncy tire.
Frasier: Two bouncy tires and a...taut chain. That's good ridin'.

[They smile bravely until the customer heads off again.]

Niles: Where did you learn all that? That was really good.
Frasier: Just a matter of confidence, Niles.

[SMASH CUT TO - Frasier's apartment, later that night. Frasier comes
in the front, struggling with his new bike and muttering. Niles is
behind him.]

Niles: All a matter of confidence, he says.

[Frasier turns the lights on to reveal that they are covered with
scratches and bruises.]

Frasier: Yes, well perhaps two people who don't know how to ride bikes
shouldn't try to teach each other.
Niles: A good teacher doesn't yell at his student.
Frasier: Nor does a good teacher throw a stick at his student!

[Niles clutches his knee.]

Niles: I thought it would make you try harder.
Frasier: Oh, you're going to make a hell of a dad!
Niles: Oh, what are we going to do?
Frasier: Let's not panic. We still have two days before the
Bike-A-Thon. Surely the library has shelves devoted
to this topic.
Niles: I don't have time for that! Daphne wants to go biking
tomorrow afternoon.
Frasier: Well, then you're just going to have to tell her that you
don't know how to ride.
Niles: I can't! It's too late! If I was going to do that, I should
have done it at the bike store. But NOOO! You, YOU said we
could teach ourselves! You said no one would be the wiser!

[As he continues to shout, Frasier makes calming gestures.]

Frasier: Niles...
Niles: "Two bouncy tires and a taut chain" you said!
Frasier: Niles...
Niles: And now look! My spokes are bent, my pants are stuck, and
there's blood on the headlight, and blood everywhere...

[He breaks down as Frasier tries to comfort him.]

Frasier: Niles, that wasn't your fault. That jogger should have been
wearing a reflective vest. Come on. Come and sit down. I'm
going to get you a nice sherry.

[He heads for the sherry. Niles tries to move, but his pants are still
stuck in the chain so he carries the bike with him. Fade out.]

Act 2

Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa

[Fade in. Niles is sitting at a table, Frasier is getting coffee at
the counter. Roz comes up behind him.]

Roz: Hi, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, hi Roz. You're welcome to join me and Niles.
Roz: Oh, I can't. I'm on my way to meet Alice and her sitter.
Alice wants to practice riding her bicycle for Saturday.
Frasier: Really?
Roz: Mm-hm, she loves it. I mean, she had that bike one day
before she made me take her training wheels off.
Frasier: Tell me, does she ever find that she feels as though her feet
are frozen to the pedals? Stuck in a confused, arrhythmic
battle between forward and reverse, until finally, with no
locomotive momentum whatsoever, she keels over like a felled
tree?
Roz: I don't think so.
Frasier: Well good, good. Because... that's a real thing that happens
to some kids.

[He sits down with Niles as Roz steps to the counter. Daphne and
Gertrude come in.]

Daphne: Hey, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, hello Daphne, Mrs. Moon.

[They all say hello to each other as the ladies sit.]

Daphne: I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Niles: What is it?
Daphne: Someone stole our new bikes.
Niles: My God, are you sure? [to waiter] Can I get a refill?
That's terrible.
Frasier: You know, that's curious. Niles, didn't that salesman say
nothing could break those titanium locks?
Niles: You're right. I must not have locked them properly.
Foolish Niles.
Gertrude: You know, I spotted a couple of bikes in the storage room,
behind the furnace. Perhaps you could borrow those.
Niles: No, I don't think so. The theft has soured me on the whole
bike experience and what were you doing behind the furnace
anyway?
Gertrude: Drinking.

[Martin walks up to the table.]

Martin: Hello Daphne, Niles, Frasier.
Gertrude: Hello, Martin.
Martin: How are the three of you doin'? Mind if I join you?
Niles: Sure.

[Martin pulls another chair up to the table.]

Gertrude: Oh, you're not still angry at me, are you?
Martin: Coffee please.

[Roz stops on her way out.]

Roz: Hi.
Niles: Hey, Roz.
Roz: Wow, everybody's here today.
Martin: Yeah, grab a seat, I'd love to have a lady sit next to me.

[Gertrude looks very put out.]

Roz: Thanks, I can't. I'm on my way to the park. I just got a call
from the babysitter. Alice did a wheelie!

[The others all sound happy at this.]

Roz: Well, I'll see you guys later.
Frasier: That's great, Roz. Bye-bye.

[She leaves.]

Frasier: Well, someone's raising a real little showoff.
Martin: Now, now, not everyone was meant to ride a bike.
Daphne: What does that mean?
Martin: Well, I'm just saying my boys are good at other things.
Indoor things.

[Daphne casts a suspicious look at Frasier.]

Daphne: Oh, no. You don't mean...
Niles: Yes, Daphne. Frasier doesn't know how to ride a bike.
Frasier: Well, neither do you!
Niles: Frasier!
Frasier: Well, she was bound to find out! [to Daphne] We never
learned.
Martin: I tried teachin' 'em, but I had to take them to the hospital
so many times, social services started sniffin' around.
Niles: All these years, it's been our secret shame.
Frasier: Yes, and it hasn't been easy concealing it, either. People
are always saying in conversation "It's just like riding a
bike." I can smile, and nod. But I only understand it in
theory.
Niles: We tried to teach ourselves last night.
Frasier: Oh, can you imagine a sadder tableaux: two grown men trying
to gain mastery over a child's toy and failing miserably.
Niles: Even more pathetic: a grown man faking the theft of his and
his wife's bicycles. I disgust myself. I'm so sorry,
Daphne.
Daphne: Niles, you've no need to apologize. Lots of people don't
know how to ride.
Niles: Really?
Gertrude: No.
Daphne: It doesn't matter. I can take you to the park and teach
you. I'll teach you both.
Frasier: Really, Daphne?
Daphne: Yes.
Niles: Daphne, I adore you.

[He kisses her.]

Gertrude: No, seriously. Who?
Frasier: Thank you, Daphne.
Niles: You know, I'm afraid my bike may be too damaged to ride.
Daphne: So we'll borrow one from someone in the building. I promise
you, you two are going to learn how to ride bikes.
Martin: You're a good wife, Daphne. And I'll bet you were a good
daughter when your mother was alive.

[Gertrude crosses her arms and glares at him while everyone else tries
to not be involved. Fade out.]

Scene 2 - The Park

CYCOLOGY


[Fade in. Frasier is there with his bike, Niles is on a grade-school
bike with high handlebars and a banana seat. Daphne is standing just
off the path.]

Frasier: Helmet.
Niles: Check.
Frasier: Pads.
Niles: Check.
Frasier: Cup.

[Frasier adjusts his athletic supporter, but Niles touches the sport
bottle on the handlebars.]

Niles: Check.
Daphne: All right. Now remember: keep your eyes open and pedal
quickly. I just want to get an idea of your individual skill
levels. All right, everyone ready? And...go!

[The boys lift their feet up to the pedals, but don't push off or
pedal. They twitch for an instant, then fall against each other,
propped up. Being on the shorter bike, Niles is about elbow high with
Frasier.]

Daphne: Okay, good start. Now, let's try again, but this time further
apart.

[Frasier pulls his bike away from Niles'.]

Frasier: Okay. I think this is going to be all right.
Niles: Yes, this isn't so bad.
Daphne: All right. And...go!

[The boys bring their feet up, then put them right back down for
balance. After a couple of false starts, they start moving forward,
terrified looks on their faces. Daphne watches them, smiling.]

Daphne: Yes, very good.

[Her expression quickly becomes worried as there are sounds of crashing
and pain. She starts forward, darting from side to side, unsure which
of them needs help more.

Music from "The Barber of Seville" begins playing as we see a montage
of Niles and Frasier trying desperately.]

[N.B. This theme was also used in the 1979 Oscar-winning film "Breaking
Away" about an American small-town teenager who becomes so obsessed with
a team of Italian bike race champions that he creates an Italian persona
for himself, including listening to Rossini's operas.]

[Frasier seems to be getting along, until he sees a tree. Focusing on
it with a horrified look, he crashes into it and falls down.

Daphne is running alongside Niles on his small bike. They pass behind
a hedge and only Daphne and the bike emerge. Daphne stops and looks
around for her husband.

Frasier again crashes into the tree and falls over.

Niles is exhausted and reaches for the sports bottle. However, he is
unable to get it loose. Later, he unwraps a power bar to eat. But he
pulls the wrapper all the way down and his snack falls to the ground
while Frasier watches. He opens the spout on the sports bottle and
picks the bike upright so he can drink from it.

Niles and Daphne are at the "k*ller tree", urging Frasier to the side.
He makes the turn and avoids the tree, looking happy. Niles and Daphne
cheer him on, then watch him circle around until they have to quickly
move aside before Frasier once more strikes the tree head on and ends
up on the ground.

Daphne again runs alongside Niles. They disappear behind the hedge,
the music reaches its finale... and this time Niles emerges alone on
the bike, smiling triumphantly. Daphne jumps up and down and claps
her hands, proud and happy. The music ends.

Now that Niles has learned, they focus on Frasier.]

Frasier: It's that damned sycamore! It's got a magnetic hold on me.
Daphne: That's because you keep focusing on it. Whatever you do, put
it out of your mind. The more you think about it, the worse
it gets.
Niles: You're a cloud, scudding across a clear blue sky.
Frasier: I'm a cloud.

[He takes off again.]

Niles: You're a cloud. A cloud...

[Frasier looks worried for a moment, but manages to swerve away from
the tree.]

Frasier: I AM a cloud! I'm flying! Look, I'm riding a bike.

[He's ecstatic, but is soon passed by a young girl on a bike with
training wheels, then a pregnant woman jogging, then a gray-haired man
on a razor scooter. Nonetheless, he seems happy at his accomplishment.
The finale of the music repeats. Fade out.]

Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment

[Fade in. The doorbell rings and Martin hurries to answer as it rings
again.]

Martin: I heard ya. I'm comin'.

[He opens the door to reveal Gertrude, holding some flowers and a
sandwich.]

Gertrude: Hello.

[Martin slams the door in her face and starts walking away. She pounds
on the door and he goes back again.]

Martin: Oh, geez!

[He opens the door and speaks before she can.]

Martin: Look. I'm sorry. I'm still ticked. I'm not proud of it,
but I have to do the right thing and that means hold this
grudge.
Gertrude: Ah! You're talking to me. I knew you would.

[He slams the door in her face again. Cut to - the entryway as she
turns around. Cora is just coming off the elevator.]

Gertrude: Oh, you're here to see Marty?
Cora: Actually, I think not.

[She turns away.]

Gertrude: Look, no. This isn't what it looks like. I'm here to
apologize. But since he's not talking to me, I guess I can
say me piece to you. Now, first of all, don't be scared.
I'm not a secret agent and I don't have a license to k*ll.
Back when I said all that to you, I wasn't really in me
right mind, anyway. I mean, I'd just separated from me
husband and...well, maybe I hoped Marty would be some kind
of...knight in shining armor. But we were never a couple,
though.
Cora: It was a pretty rotten thing you did.
Gertrude: Yes, I know, dear, just awful. In me defense, I've done
much worse. And besides, between you and the girl at the
bookstore, I liked you better.

[Cora looks a little confused at this. Cut to - inside the apartment.
Martin is relaxing in his chair when the doorbell rings. Rolling his
eyes, he gets up.]

Martin: Sonovabitch!

[He goes to the door and opens it to reveal Cora holding the flowers
and sandwich, a big smile on her face.]

Martin: Cora! Hi, come on in.

[She enters and hands him the things and he sets them on the table
behind the couch.]

Cora: Hi. I ran into a friend of yours.
Martin: Oh, she's no friend of mine.
Cora: Well, she had some nice things to say about you. Maybe we
could talk about it at dinner tomorrow.
Martin: I thought you were seeing someone.
Cora: I don't see him here.
Martin: I guess not. Pick you up at seven?
Cora: Seven it is. So...who's this girl from the bookstore?
Martin: See you tomorrow.

[He ushers her out the door and shakes his fist in a victory gesture.
Fade out.]

Scene 4 - The Bike-A-Thon

[Fade in. Lots of people are lined up under a banner marked Start and
Finish. Frasier and Niles are at the front, Niles still with his
borrowed bicycle.]

Martin: Never thought I'd see the day. This is really somethin'.
Frasier: Thanks Dad.
Daphne: That's right. You faced your fears and you bested them.
Niles: Yeah, thanks to you.

[He gives her a kiss.]

Niles: And who knows? Maybe this is just be the beginning. There
are still mountains to conquer. The diving board, for
instance.
Frasier: Or cartwheels.
Martin: Be careful out there, Son.
Frasier: I will, Dad. Thanks. I guess I better go take my place,
huh?
Martin: Okay.

[Frasier wheels his bike over to where Kenny and Julia are waiting.]

Frasier: Kenny, Julia.
Kenny: Hey, Doc.
Julia: Hi.
Frasier: So, have a good ride.
Kenny: Not gonna happen. These shorts are already bunchin' me
somethin' fierce. Excuse me.

[He gets off his bike to get more comfortable.]

Frasier: Pretty exciting.
Julia: Thrilling. You don't mind if we don't ride together, do you?
I like to go at my own pace.
Frasier: No, not at all. You don't have to feel like you have to keep
up.

[She laughs at this.]

Julia: Right. Well, what do you say we make it interesting?
Frasier: What did you have in mind?
Julia: Last one across the finish line doubles the other's pledges.
Frasier: You're on. And I look forward to watching you write that big
fat check.
Niles: Frasier! Remember: keep your eye on the road and don't
fixate on anything you can crash into.
Frasier: Right!
Niles: Good luck!

[Frasier gives Niles a thumbs up as the starter p*stol goes off. The
crowd cheers as the cyclists start off.]

Julia: Boy, I hope I can steer around that big mailbox right there. Ciao!

[She speeds off. Frasier starts out, but, cursed by her suggestion,
focuses on the mailbox and rides straight into it. As he falls to the
sidewalk, Roz and Alice come riding up.]

Roz: Frasier?
Alice: Are you okay?
Frasier: I'll be all right. Why don't you guys go ahead. I'll catch
up to you.
Roz: Okay.

[She and Alice ride off. Frasier gets back on his bike and gets
going.]

Frasier: Oh, lord. Pardon me. Beep beep! Oh, gosh, no. Oh, dear
God!

[Frasier doesn't get very far, circling back and crashing into the
mailbox once more. This time he manages to keep to his feet as the
bike falls to the ground. Fade out.]

Credits:

It is late and dark. An exhausted Frasier comes around the last corner
and manages, finally, to finish the course. He throws up his hands in
victory. He wheels the bike over to a trash barrel, picks it up and
throws it on top, only to scurry back as it falls towards him. He
finally just flees from the whole scene.