11x10 - SeaBee Jeebies

[bunniefuu]

Act 1

Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment

[Fade in. Frasier is at the table, Eddie is laying on Martin's chair.
Martin comes in from the bedrooms.]

Martin: [to Eddie] Hey, you're lookin' a little under the weather.
You all right?
Frasier: He most certainly is not. He dined on that lovely can of
bacon fat you've been hiding under the sink.
Martin: Oh, geez. Poor little guy.

[The doorbell rings, Frasier gets up to answer it.]

Martin: You know, bacon grease is bad for dogs.
Frasier: Ironic, considering its vast health benefits for humans.

[He opens the door to reveal Niles and Daphne. They come in as
everyone greets each other.]

Niles: Sorry we're late.
Frasier: Oh, that's all right, we're not having lunch until 1:15.
Niles: Ah, great.

[Niles yawns as Martin sits down at the table. Daphne and Niles sit
on the couch.]

Martin: Long night, Niles?
Niles: Oh, a bit. We were out at a party last night.
Daphne: At Bill Gates' house.

[Frasier looks jealous.]

Frasier: Really? Some sort of... charity event?
Niles: No, no, just a few people over for dinner. His wife has been
following Maris' case and she wanted to meet us. It seems
the story's captured everyone's imagination and people want
to get the inside scoop.
Daphne: Their house is enormous. I got lost going to the loo, but
a voice in the wall guided me back.
Frasier: Sounds like fun. Anyway, I thought after lunch we might stop
by the museum for the Goya exhibit.
Niles: Actually, we're going tomorrow night with the Blenkinsops.
Frasier: Tomorrow? But the museum's closed tomorrow.
Niles: Uh, not for Bunny and Bruce.

[Frasier looks put out.]

Frasier: Well, with all the rarified elbows you've been rubbing
lately, I'm surprised you could find the time for lunch with
a commoner like me.
Niles: Oh, now stop. But if we could get going, I have a perfume
launch at four.

[He and Daphne rise. As they all head for the door, the doorbell rings.
Daphne checks the peephole.]

Daphne: It's a pretty lady holding some mail. Oh, you didn't pull
that trick again, did you?
Frasier: I have no idea what you're talking about. Step aside! Don't
want her to slip it under the door!

[He pulls her to the side and opens the door to a young woman,
Caroline.]

Frasier: Hello.
Caroline: Hi, sorry to disturb you, some of your mail got mixed in
with mine.

[She hands it over.]

Frasier: Oh, dear, how did that happen?
Caroline: I don't know. Some of it just seemed to be jammed in there.
Frasier: Uh, huh. Really, well, we must make allowances for our
mailman. He's a veteran. So, uh, my name's Dr. Frasier
Crane.
Caroline: Caroline Harwich.
Frasier: Nice to meet you. And this is my family. My father, Martin
Crane.
Martin: Hi.
Frasier: My sister-in-law, Daphne, and my brother, Niles.
Caroline: You look awfully familiar, have we met?
Frasier: Well, I am somewhat of a media figure.
Caroline: No, your brother. Oh, you're Niles Crane from that big
m*rder case. I saw you on the news.
Daphne: He's been on three times this week. He's practically
famous.
Niles: Well, hardly famous.
Frasier: My brother doesn't like to toot his own horn. You know, I
was discussing that very personality type today on my very
popular radio show.
Caroline: Oh, right, right. Dr. Frasier Crane.
Frasier: Yes.
Caroline: Yes, my mother listens to you. Well, anyway, it was nice
meeting you all.
Frasier: Yes, likewise.

[She turns and leaves. Frasier closes the door behind her.]

Frasier: Isn't it nice to know there are still honest people in the
world?
Martin: How come your mail never gets mixed up with that sweaty fat
guy's upstairs?
Niles: We should really be going.
Frasier: Yes, yes. I'm afraid we'll have to be lunching at Vindaloo.
I couldn't get us in at Le Toque.
Niles: Oh...
Daphne: Oh, no.
Niles: Maybe I should call. I've had the best luck with restaurants
lately.

[He pulls out his cell phone and dials.]

Frasier: Well, they swore that they were absolutely booked solid.
Niles: Oh, dear. [into phone] Hello? Yes, wondering if you could possibly
squeeze in three for lunch today? Dr. Crane. No,
actually it's Niles. Oh, how lovely. Thank you. We'll
see you in a bit.

[He disconnects and follows Daphne out. Frasier sh**t a look of
injustice at Martin, who just smiles. Frasier follows his brother.
Fade out.]

BLACK TIE FOR MEN
NIGHTGOWNS FOR WOMEN


Scene 2 – Café Nervosa

[Fade in. Frasier is sitting at a table with his coffee. Roz comes in.]

Roz: Hey, Fras.
Frasier: Oh, hi.
Roz: I'm so sorry about the show. I was a little distracted.
Frasier: Yes, I sensed that when you patched through Wanda, who wanted
to know what our soup of the day was.
Roz: My sister Denise is in town. I hate it when she visits. She
isn't happy until she makes me feel completely miserable.
Do you know what she called my place? "Cozy."
Frasier: Well, that's a compliment.
Roz: No, it's code for "smaller than hers". [to waiter]
Cappuccino, please.

[She sits]

Roz: She wraps every insult up in a compliment, and when I try to call
her on it she just says "Huh? I was trying to be nice, you're
so sensitive." And of course, everything in her life is so
perfect. Her home, her husband, the stretch of highway she keeps
clean. She's so competitive.

[The waiter brings her coffee.]

Roz: Thank you.
Frasier: Well, if it's any comfort, Niles has been perfectly
insufferable of late. This whole Maris affair has gained him
some minor notoriety, he's been... flaunting it like a
tattered boa. I'm trying to do the right thing and rise above
it, of course, but there are times I just want to step on his
feet. And hard, too.

[Roz's sister, Denise, walks in.]

Roz: Denise!

[Frasier rises to greet her.]

Frasier: How do you do?
Denise: Frasier, hi.

[She kisses him on the cheek.]

[N.B. Sometime between “Guilt Trippers,” and this episode, Roz probably told
Denise that Frasier wasn’t her boyfriend Roger.]

Denise: Well, you are looking very distinguished.
Frasier: Thank you.

[She turns to put her coat up as Frasier sits down.]

Roz: That's code for "old".
Frasier: I know.
Denise: I am so sorry I'm late. Craig called. The poor thing, he
misses me so much it's just impossible to get him off the
phone.

[She sits and grabs a shopping bag.]

Denise: I hope this makes it up to you. Now, Roz, I know you love
your sports wear, but trust me, men like women who wear
dresses once in a while.
Roz: So you've said.

[She takes the bag.]

Frasier: Denise, having fun on your trip?
Denise: Oh, yes. Staying with Roz is so much fun, it's sort of like
camping.

[Her cell phone rings and she answers.]

Denise: Hello? [to Frasier] It's my contractors. Take my advice:
never build a pool house.

[She hands a magazine to Roz.]

Denise: Oh, hon? I picked us up a Seattle Magazine so we can find
some fun things to do this week.

[She gets up, Roz pulls the dress out of the bag.]

Roz: Does that include rolling it up, turning it sideways and....
Frasier: Now, Roz. At least she's trying. She did get you a gift,
after all. And look, it's very chic and expensive, I'm sure.
Roz: Oh, and two sizes too small.
Frasier: All right, she's a bitch.
Roz: Thank you.

[Kenny walks in.]

Kenny: Hey, hey! It's Mr. SeaBeas!
Frasier: The nominations are in?
Kenny: Yep. Two of 'em!
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: Oh, yay!

[Kenny sits.]

Kenny: Actually, Roz, they're both for Frasier. You're up for best
host and best informational special, which gives you the
lifetime record for most nominations.
Frasier: Oh, my God, I'm, I'm so flattered. I hope you two will join
me at my table.
Roz: Oh, those awards are t*rture, they're endless. Can I bring
my sister?
Frasier: Of course.

[Niles walks in, talking on his cell phone.]

Frasier: Oh look. It's Niles.
Kenny: You gonna tell him you broke the SeaBeas record?
Frasier: If it comes up.
Kenny: You know, Doc, we should take advantage of this thing. I got
a friend at the Seattle Times who owes me one. I could ask
him to write a big profile on you.
Frasier: Thank you, no, Kenny. Let others engage in that sort of
shameless self-promotion. I'm not interested in playing that
sort of game. Oh, Niles.
Niles: Hi. Listen, Frasier, I'm so sorry, I have to cancel tonight.
I'm going to hear Tony Bennett.
Frasier: Oh, really. Where's he playing?
Niles: At Frank Geary's birthday party.
Frasier: Well, speaking of glamorous parties, Niles, wait until...
Niles: Oh, is that Seattle Magazine? I was hoping you hadn't seen
it.
Frasier: Seen what?
Niles: Oh, nothing, nothing. It's a silly thing. Page thirty.

[Roz flips to the page as Frasier glowers.]

Roz: Oh, it's one of those "What's Hot/What's Not" lists. I love
these. "Heirloom Tomatoes - Hot, Sun Dried Tomatoes - Not".
Frasier: Give me that.

[He grabs the magazine.]

Frasier: Uh huh. "Dr. Niles Crane - Hot, Dr. Frasier Crane..." well,
you can see where they're going with this. Well, we'll just
see who's not hot when the winter/spring issue of Seattle
Broadcaster comes out. For your information, Niles, I have
recently...

[Niles cell phone rings.]

Niles: Excuse me, I am so sorry.

[He answers it as Kenny gets up.]

Kenny: I'm gonna get some coffee.
Niles: Hello? Hello, Daphne. A delivery from Bill and Mindy!
Aren't they sweet?

[Frasier quietly fumes.]

Niles: No, don't uncrate it until I get home!

[He hurries out. Frasier gets up and goes over to Kenny, who has his
cell phone out.]

Frasier: Kenny, about that article...
Kenny: Way ahead of you, Doc. [into phone] No, he'll make for a
great profile: SeaBeas record holder, doctor, big ladies
man, the whole ball of wax. Well, you can ask him
yourself.

[He hands the phone to Frasier.]

Frasier: Hello? Yes, well, when would be a good time for you? Oh,
I've just had the greatest idea: Why don't you interview me
while we're at the SeaBee Awards? Yes, it will be a
freewheeling chat against a glittering backdrop.
Splendid! I will see you anon.

[He hands the phone back to Kenny and goes back to his table with a
smile.]

Kenny: [into phone] Hey. No, he always talks like that.

[Frasier sits back down next to Roz.]

Roz: Why are you taking him to the SeaBeas?
Frasier: Because I want to see him at my best, Roz. Do you realize,
I'm giving the opening remarks this year? And if I do say
so myself, they will change you.
Roz: Yeah, from an awake person to a sleeping one.

[Caroline walks in and Frasier gets a cunning look.]

Frasier: Perfect! All I was lacking was the appropriate piece of arm
candy to accompany me and there she is.
Roz: Who's she?
Frasier: [rising] A neighbor of mine in the building, whose
acquaintance I have recently made.
Roz: Oh, right, Daphne told me you pulled that old mail trick out
of mothballs.

[Frasier glares, then walks over to Caroline.]

Frasier: Caroline?
Caroline: Frasier, hello.
Frasier: Hello, good to see you.
Caroline: Cappuccino, to go. Thank you so much for those flowers.
Frasier: Oh, gosh, it was the least I could do after that stumblebum
of a mailman made you do his job for him.
Caroline: Oh, I'd send him a complaint letter if I think he'd get it.
Frasier: Oh, delightful. Listen, I hope this isn't too bold, but you
see, I've been nominated for a broadcast award, twice
actually, and, well, there's a black tie gala on Saturday
night and I was hoping you could accompany me.
Caroline: Thank you, I'd love to.
Frasier: Fantastic. I'll pick you up around seven-thirty.

[Caroline turns back to the counter and Frasier goes back to the
table.]

Frasier: Well, I've worked my magic! That magnificent creature will
be accompanying me on Saturday night!
Roz: Frasier, the awards are Saturday morning.
Frasier: Well... of course they're not.
Roz: Yes, they are.
Frasier: Roz, who would ever plan an awards ceremony on a Saturday
morning?
Roz: Kenny was in charge this year, he booked the room too late.

[Caroline gets her coffee and passes by on her way out.]

Caroline: See you this weekend.
Frasier: Yeah, bye-bye.

[She starts to leave.]

Frasier: Oh, don't forget I'll pick you up seven-thirty, Saturday
morning. Bye-bye.

[He holds still, wondering if he got away with it. Caroline stops at
the door and comes back.]


MISSING


Frasier: [rising] I did mention that, didn't I? Oh, gosh, it seems
the SeaBeas is going to be a cheery breakfast event this
year. But the good news is, actually I'll be able to get you
home by noon. Bye-bye.

[He tries to sit down but Caroline stops him.]

Caroline: I don't think that's going to work for me. I have Pilates
on Saturdays.
Frasier: Oh, gosh, I wish you'd said something sooner.
Caroline: Sorry. Bye-bye.
Frasier: Yeah.

[She heads out and he dejectedly sits.]

Roz: Oh, you can't blame her, Frasier. Who wants to get in hair
and makeup at eight in the morning?
Frasier: Well, somebody better. I'm being profiled, it's going to
look like I can't even scare up a date.
Roz: You scared that one pretty good.

[Frasier sits, glowering. Fade out.]

Act 2

WANDERING EYE


Scene 1 - The SeaBea Awards

[Fade in. Frasier is seated at his table in the banquet room, talking
on his cell phone.]

Frasier: Cindy, where are you? Listen, this thing's about to start.
Well, I'm sorry you broke your heel, but can't you just
put on a different pair of shoes? Oh, your actual heel.
Ouch. Well, uh, feel better.

[He hangs up as Roz and Denise come in. Denise is wearing the dress
she gave to Roz.]

Denise: Roz, are you sure this dress didn't fit you? Because I'm just
swimming in it.

[Roz grabs a passing waiter.]

Roz: Okay, two Bloody Marys, please. And there's a twenty in it for
you if one of 'em's poisoned. I don't even care which one.

[Frasier gets up to greet them.]

Frasier: There's a face I'm happy to see.
Roz: Frasier.
Frasier: Not you, Roz. Listen, Denise, uh, could you do me a small
favor?
Denise: Mm-hmm?
Frasier: You see, my date didn't show up and there's a reporter here
today doing a story on me and could you pretend to be my
date?
Denise: Well, sure.

[They al sit.]

Denise: [to Roz] First the valet hits on me and now this.

[Roz fumes as Kenny and Martin come over with plates.]

Kenny: Hi guys.
Frasier: Oh, hi.
Martin: Some spread. I got pigs-in-a-blanket lying on an omelet
pillow. And check it out: it snowed cheese.
Kenny: Roz, Larry Gamba couldn't make it, so if he wins can you
accept for him?
Roz: Sure, Kenny. Nothing takes the sting out of not being
nominated like accepting an award for my former intern.
Denise: Now, Roz, don't frown. Those lines don't go away.
Kenny: Oh, hey there, Randy, over here. This is the reporter.

[He and Frasier get up.]

Kenny: Here he is, the Doc himself.
Frasier: Lovely to see you, thanks for coming.
Kenny: And this is Roz Doyle, his ace producer.
Frasier: Yes, yes and this is my dad, Martin Crane. Dad, could you
move over one for Randall?
Martin: Oh, sure.

[He and Kenny shift over to make room for Randy.]

Frasier: And I'd like you to meet my date, the lovely and talented
Denise Dawson.
Denise: Oh, honey, stop it. It's a pleasure to meet you.

[They shake and Frasier and Randy sit down.]

Frasier: So, I'm so glad you can join us on our gala morning.
Randy: Is this thing always so early?
Frasier: No, but then the SeaBeas have always been the wayward
maverick of awards shows. In fact I kind of touch on that
in my opening remarks, while hewing to my original theme:
Communication as the Engine of Social Progress.
Randy: Sounds great. [grabbing a waiter] Could I get a big cup of
coffee, please?

[He jots down some notes while Frasier notices his brother at the
door.]

Frasier: What's Niles doing here?
Martin: Oh, I gave him Ronee's ticket. She said she hated to miss
'em but she didn't want to come.

[Niles comes over.]

Niles: I'm sorry I'm late, I had to distribute some sound bites.

[He sits down, Randall leans across he table to shake his hand.]

Randy: That's quite all right, Dr. Crane, I'm very excited to meet
you. Randall Schoonover, the Seattle Times.
Niles: Hello.
Frasier: He's doing a profile of me. A Day in the Life of Frasier
Crane.
Randy: But if there's anything you'd like to tell my readers...
Niles: Oh, thank you, I'm just here to support my brother.

[Randy jots this down.]

Randy: Supports his brother.

[Frasier glares at Niles, then hears some light music.]

Frasier: Oh, I guess it's time for me to give my opening remarks.

[He gets up.]

Frasier: You just sit tight and I'll be back in twenty minutes.

[He walks over to the podium but is stopped by the band leader.]

Bandleader: You want to give me a cue so I know when to play you off
stage?
Frasier: Ah, you will feel the pace quicken as I build to my
climax, which is a grim verbal picture of the world
without broadcasting.
Bandleader: Just tell me the last words.
Frasier: I'll say "Thank you."

[N.B. The bandleader is the same one from Season 3's Moon Dance.]

[He takes to the stage as the crowd politely claps.]

Frasier: Good morning. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane and it is my great honor
to stand before you, my fellow luminaries and welcome you to
the Seattle Broadcasting Awards. I hope to do justice to the
dignity of this most august occasion.

[A chef steps up and whispers in his ear.]

Frasier: I've been asked to inform everyone that we are running low
on sausage. So if you would please limit yourselves to one
link or patty. Thank you.

[The band strikes up.]

Frasier: I'm not finished.

[A young woman, Plum, comes up to lead him off.]

Plum: Thanks, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, thank you.

[He steps down.]

Plum: Now, who wants to hand out some hardware?

[Dissolve to - later. A slide show of people with "IN MEMORIAM" and
the dates of their births/deaths below the pictures is shown on a
screen.]

Plum: Angela DiStefano, Keith Meebly and Chet Harding, the legendary
host of "It's Your Dime".
Kenny: So many greats this year.

[Frasier brings some orange juice to Denise.]

Frasier: This is for you, my dear.

[Denise's cell phone rings and she answers it as Frasier sits.]

Denise: Hello? Oh, hi Craig. [to Frasier] Honey? I've got to
take this.
Frasier: Okay. Hurry back, love.

[She gets up and steps away.]

Frasier: So, Randy, where were we?
Randy: Your brother was just telling me how Maris is coping with
jail. So, is it true that Maris tried to break out?
Niles: Oh, no, no, no. Her eyebrow pencil simply rolled out of her
cell and she went to get it. It's really the jail's fault
for making those bars so far apart.

[Frasier gives Niles a look.]

Niles: This is really my brother's day.
Plum: And now the nominees for best informational special.
Kenny: Doc, this is you!
Plum: Riley Austin for "Underground Skateboarder,” Harper Norton for
"Inside the Statehouse,” and Dr. Frasier Crane for "The Young
Person's Guide to Depression.” And the winner is: Riley
Austin!

[Everyone applauds and a very young man goes up to the stage. Frasier
has a very poor fake smile on his face as he claps. Randy gets up.]

Randy: I'm just gonna track down some Sweet 'n' Low.

[He walks away.]

Frasier: Well, Niles, you should have powdered your nose if you
planned to spend so much time in my spotlight.
Niles: I was just making conversation!
Frasier: Well, stop it!
Martin: Knock it off, you two! If you can't share this reporter, I'm
gonna ask him to leave.
Kenny: Roz, get ready, this is Larry's category.

[Denise comes back, in tears.]

Denise: I can't believe that this happened.
Frasier: Well, it's all right. I'm still up for best host.
Denise: Craig is leaving me.
Roz: What?
Denise: He met someone else. I can't believe this is happening to
me.
Plum: And the winner is: Larry Gamba for KACL
Kenny: Roz, get up there.
Denise: This is so terrible.
Roz: [rising] I know, I know.
Denise: How would you know what it's like to lose a husband, Roz?
You never even had one!

[Roz heads to the stage and takes the award.]

Plum: Accepting the award is Roz Doyle.
Roz: Um, thanks, Plum. Larry couldn't be here today, but if he were
here, he would say, um...

[She glances at her sobbing sister.]

Roz: "YES! Thank you, God! Yes! This is the best day of my entire
life!" [hugging Plum] "I've just been waiting for this since I
was a little girl. Yes! You have no idea how much this means
to me! YES!"

[The band plays her off as she jumps for joy, shaking everyone's
hands.]

Denise: I hate men!
Frasier: Now, now, Denise....

[Randall comes back and sits down.]

Denise: Shut up! You're all the same.
Frasier: No, listen, Denise...

[He tries to take her hand.]

Denise: Get your hands off me! Stop it!

[She breaks into huge sobs. Frasier notices Randall taking more
notes.]

Frasier: There's no need for you to write that down.
Plum: And now the nominees for best radio call-in host...
Kenny: Better get ready, Doc, this one has your name on it.
Frasier: Well it better, because this whole show has been a nightmare.
Except it can't be a nightmare because it's MID-MORNING!
Plum: And the SeaBea goes to: the late Chet Harding for "It's Your Dime".
Martin: Sorry, Son, you can't b*at a dead guy.
Denise: Dead! That's the best kind of guy!
Randy: Well, I think maybe I have enough.

[He gets up, Frasier hurries to head him off.]

Frasier: No, please, don't go. Listen, the show will be over very
soon. They actually have a bat mitzvah booked for noon so
maybe we could finish up in the lobby.
Randy: Okay, I'll get my coat. I hope you can join us, Niles.

[He walks off. Frasier smiles after him, then grabs a chair and sits
next to Niles, furious.]

Frasier: Don't you dare! You have been monopolizing that man's time
all morning.
Niles: You should thanking me for distracting him from this circus!
Frasier: You should talk! You've been the ringmaster of your own
media circus for the last week!
Niles: And it's k*lling you, isn't it?!
Frasier: If you think I am jealous of your tawdry notoriety, then you
don't know who I am.
Niles: Just like most of the people in this city!
Frasier: You go too far!

[He jumps to his feet, knocking his chair backwards, which sends a man
stumbling into a waiter, causing a chain reaction into another waiter
who flies across a table and knocks over a diner as people scream and
gasp. As Frasier stands there, stunned, Kenny pushes through the crowd
to him.]

Kenny: Doc, that's Jerry Edwards. He's supposed to close the show.
Frasier: Is he all right?

[The man rises, clutching his face.]

Kenny: Oh, no. You knocked his glass eye out. Well, you're gonna
have to close the show for him.
Frasier: What?
Kenny: Well, you took him out! And you'll be the only guy in
history to open and close the SeaBeas.
Frasier: Really? Nobody's ever done it before? But...I don't have
anything prepared.
Kenny: Don't worry, it's all on the teleprompter.

[He rushes Frasier to the stage.]

Kenny: Now, get up there and sing. It's to the tune of "Moon River".

[As he takes the stage and the band begins playing, Martin turns from
the buffet. There is the clinking sound of glass and he looks down.]

Martin: Oh, think I just kicked somethin'.
Frasier: The SeaBeas, now are at an end
We hope you've made a friend
Or two...

[Denise slaps at Roz, who is trying to comfort her.]

Frasier: And the SeaBeas
Have great freebies,
Just pick up your bag
At the door to your right.

[Most of the guests are searching for the glass eye and ignoring him.]

Kenny: Found it!

[He triumphantly hold up his hand.]

Niles: That's an olive.
Frasier: The SeaBeas, we hope your day was great,
And, yes, we validate,
Right there.

[A valet takes Randy's parking slip. He tries to catch it back, then
just follows him out.]

Frasier: See Rico, Eduardo or Jen,
They'll bring it round the bend,
A Hyundai or a Benz
The SeaBeas are through.

[Frasier gazes out on the chaos, then just purses his lips and walks
off stage. Fade out.]

Credits:

As the hotels staff cleans up the ball room, Riley Austin stops by
Frasier's table shake his hand. He does a "street" version, changing
the grip several times and finally banging his fist against Frasier's.
Frasier tries to make small talk, but is left speechless when Plum and
the other female presenter take Riley's arms and lead him off. Frasier
tries to take it in, but finally just lowers his head into his hand.