11x16 - BOO! (a.k.a. I'm With Her)

[bunniefuu]

Act 1

Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. Classical music is playing on the stereo. Frasier hurries
in from the kitchen, turns up the volume, and begins to conduct to
the air.

[N.B. “Variations on a Theme of Joseph Haydn,” Op. 56, by Johannes
Brahms.]

Martin and Ronee come in the front door behind him. Smiling,
Martin walks up directly behind Frasier as the piece ends.

Martin: Boo!

Frasier lets out a startled squawk as Ronee and Martin laugh.

Frasier: That is not funny! You don't sneak up on someone and startle
them!
Martin: First of all, it's very funny. And secondly, I only did it
to prove a point.
Ronee: And you called it: he does scream like a woman.
Frasier: I do not scream like a woman. It was a manly throaty wail.

Niles comes in the front door.

Niles: Frasier, you may want to call security. As I got off the
elevator, I heard a woman screaming hysterically.
Frasier: That was me! I was innocently conducting some Brahms and our
madcap father decided to startle me.
Martin: Oh, quit whinin'. I used to scare you kids all the time when
we went camping and you used to love it. Remember the story
about the couple making out in the car who got slashed by the
k*ller with the hook?

He sits at the table as Ronee brings some beers over.

Frasier: Yes, and I remember I couldn't kiss a woman in a car until
I was thirty.
Ronee: Well, your father doesn't have that problem, Mr. Reclining
Bucket Seats.

Martin lets out a suggestive chuckle as she sits.

Frasier: Want me to scream again?
Niles: Dad, when'd you get the new cane?
Martin: Oh, Ronee got it for me.

He stands up to show it off.

Ronee: Yeah, he's to young for that old-man cane. This is much more
his style.
Martin: Give me a top hat and I'm Fred Astaire.
Frasier: Add a monocle and you're Mr. Peanut.

Martin sits back down as Niles picks up a book from the coffee table.

Niles: Frasier, coulrophobia?
Frasier: Yes, I have a patient who suffers from it.
Martin: What is it?
Frasier: It's a very rare disorder: a crippling fear of clowns. Yes,
I'm treating a pediatric nurse who's terrified every time one
comes to visit the children at her hospital. It's almost
cost her her job.
Niles: Poor thing.
Frasier: Yes, although we're making great progress, though. Some
rather ground-breaking techniques I've devised. I think
we're close to a cure.
Niles: Really?
Frasier: Yes. I wouldn't be surprised if this may turn out to be my
clowning achievement.
Niles: That sounded better in you head, didn't it?
Frasier: Vastly.

Niles sits on the couch and leafs through the book.

Martin: Well, I don't blame her for hatin' clowns. They're weird and
creepy. That's one of the reasons I never took you kids to
the circus.
Niles: Which I always resented. You know how much I wanted to be
a trapeze artist. I even decorated a unitard in the style
of the Flying Wallendas to wear when we visited the big top.
Martin: That was the other reason.
Frasier: Well, I'll go check on dinner.

He heads for the kitchen.

Ronee: Oh, you know, I'm gonna have to make this an early evening.
I'm leaving in the morning to visit my mother. She moved
last year to Spokane.
Frasier: [stopping at the kitchen door] I remember your mom. She
used to chaperone our dances, right?
Ronee: Oh yeah. She also taught Sunday school and led the church
choir.
Frasier: It must have been a very windy day when the apple fell from
that tree.

Martin and Ronee give him sarcastic smiles.

FADE OUT

SEND IN THE CLOWN


Scene 2 - Frasier's Office
Fade in. Frasier is sitting with his coulrophobic patient, Mimi,
winding a jack-in-the-box.

[N.B. Stephanie Faracy also played a character named Mimi in [5.06],
“Voyage of the Damned” though that character was a randy, high
society lush.]

Frasier: You're doing fine, Mimi, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Mimi: Right.
Frasier: Just a tiny inanimate piece of plastic. It couldn't possibly
hurt you.
Mimi: I know.
Frasier: You're doing great.
Mimi: I feel good.

The clown doll pops out of the box and she lets out a shriek.

Frasier: Much better.
Mimi: Really?
Frasier: Yes, yes. You're still in the room, you didn't throw up.
It's a big improvement. All right now, give me your hand.
[He takes it and puts it on the jack-in-the-box.] Here's the
tiny little hat.
Mimi: Tiny little hat, right.
Frasier: And the big red nose.
Mimi: The big red nose.
Frasier: Now, Mimi, is there anything you'd like to say to our little
clown friend?
Mimi: Please don't k*ll me!
Frasier: No! No, Mimi.
Mimi: Oh, uh, I mean, you're my friend and I like you.
Frasier: Excellent, Mimi. All right then. Now, tomorrow we will take
our biggest step yet.
Mimi: No, I really don't think that...
Frasier: No, you are ready. You are. In the safety of this
environment, you will watch me transform myself into
a real live clown. I will apply the make up, and then
I'll put on the clown suit and the big funny shoes.
And, time permitting, I will make animal balloons.
Mimi: And you really think that'll work?
Frasier: As long as you don't ask for anything too complicated, like
a giraffe.

He smiles, but she's not in a laughing mood.

Frasier: Well, our time is up. All right then, Mimi, I will see you
tomorrow.

He stuffs the doll back in the box and they get up.

Frasier: Rest assured, I will talk you through every step of the way.
There's nothing to be afraid of. There will be no surprises.

The clown pops back out. She screams and falls back onto the couch.

Frasier: I'm so, so sorry. Yes, here. There he goes.

He stuffs the box closed again as she regains her feet.

Frasier: I will see you later, then.

The clown pops out yet again, bringing another scream. Frasier
frantically closes it.

Frasier: Again, I am so sorry. Little fella really is full of
mischief, isn't he?
Mimi: You mean you're not controlling him?!
Frasier: Yes! Of course I am! Anyway, I will see you tomorrow.
Double session.

Mimi hurries out the door, a panicked look on her face. Frasier walks
back to his desk and tosses the jack-in-the-box into the trash. He
then leans over to jot down some notes.

Martin comes in the door and, seeing that Frasier's back is turned,
sneaks over, picks up an African mask and moves behind his son.
Frasier stands up and turns, ending up face to face with the mask.

Martin: Boo!

Frasier squawks and reels back as Martin bursts out laughing.
Recovering, Frasier indignantly takes the mask from Martin.

Frasier: What is the matter with you?!

He takes the mask back to its stand.

Martin: Well, you keep standing in empty rooms with your back to the
door, I'm only human. I wish Ronee could've seen that one.
Frasier: You know, I'm glad your little girlfriend is making you feel
young again, but you're acting like an irresponsible
adolescent.
Martin: [in a nasal mimic] Irresponsible adolescent.

He sits down on the couch.

Frasier: Mimicking me now!
Martin: Mimicking me now!
Frasier: Stop it! Did you specifically come down here to t*rture me?
Martin: No, I'm picking up Niles for a movie, but he's still got
someone in his office.
Frasier: Yes, as do I, unfortunately. Now off you go.

Martin gets up.

Martin: Oh, when did you forget how to have fun? You've turned into
such a fuddy-duddy.
Frasier: Well forgive me if I prefer humor of a more elevated level.
I tell you what, I might actually enjoy one of your japes
someday if you could come up with something with a bit more
wit and sophistication.

Martin leaves and Frasier sits at his desk to work on his notes.
The phone rings and he answers.

Frasier: Hello? Yes, well I'm afraid my calendar is rather booked
right now. All right, I suppose I could try to squeeze
you in somewhere. And your last name, please? Rection.
That's unusual. And your first name? ...That's not funny
either, Dad.

He hangs up the phone and sits there, fuming.

FADE TO:

Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. Frasier opens the front door, Roz is there and hands him a
small bag.

Frasier: Oh, hello, Roz.
Roz: Hi.
Frasier: Thanks for bringing that over.
Roz: No problem. I'm warning you, though, that clown makeup is
a bitch to get off. I wore it for Alice's birthday party and
for a whole week after, I looked like a kabuki hooker.
Frasier: Oh, yes, that was around the time of the SeaBee Awards. I
remember now, you were rather comically made up that night.
Roz: [mad] I'd gotten it off by then.

Martin comes in the front door.

Martin: Yoo-hoo, Frasier, don't be afraid. I'm comin' in the door.
Frasier: Very funny, Dad. Roz, do you think it's funny when somebody
sneaks up behind you and jolts you out of your skin?
Roz: Let me guess: somebody screamed like a woman.
Frasier: Yes, all right. Good night, Roz.
Roz: Bye.

She heads out the door, Frasier grabs the box with the clown costume.

Frasier: I thought you were having dinner with Niles.
Martin: He cancelled, something came up. I'm just gonna watch the
game in my room. But don't worry. If I come out for a beer,
I'll call ahead. Wouldn't want you to think there was an
intruder in the house.
Frasier: It's about ten years too late for that.

They head off to the bedrooms, then Frasier stops, turns back and sets
the box down. He's just had a wicked idea.

Frasier: [calling] Dad, I'm gonna go out for a while. See you later.
Martin: [calling from his room] See ya.

Frasier opens the front door, jingles his keys, then closes the door
while still inside. He hurries back, grabs the box and takes it to his
library.

DISSOLVE TO:
Later, as he steps out, fully dressed and made up as a clown.
He quietly steps into the living room, thinks a moment, then goes to
the kitchen and retrieves a meat cleaver. He goes to the front door
and rings the bell several times, then hides in the powder room.

Martin comes into the living room to answer the door, checking the
hall. While his back is turned, Frasier creeps from the powder room
and strikes a menacing pose with the cleaver, waiting until Martin
turns to face him, then letting out a roar. Martin howls and rears
back, falling to the floor as Frasier bursts out laughing.

Frasier: Ah, you're right, Dad, that's hilarious. Not such a
fuddy-duddy now, am I?

He notices Martin, still on the floor.

Frasier: Oh, that's quite a comeback, Dad, a heart att*ck. Come on,
get up.

Martin isn't moving.

Frasier: Dad? Dad, you can get up now. Dad!

FADE OUT

End of Act 1

Act 2

Scene 1 - The Hospital
Fade in. Frasier, still in clown regalia, is in the waiting room.
Niles rushes off the elevator.

Niles: Frasier!
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: How's Dad?
Frasier: Well, he's resting, he's stable. His color is good.
Niles: Thank God. Can I see him?
Frasier: Well, they're running some tests right now. The doctor
should be out in a minute.
Niles: How did this happen?
Frasier: Well, there's... so many factors in a case like this, Niles.
It's impossible to pinpoint any one cause in particular.
Niles: Why are you dressed like that?
Frasier: Well... Oh, all right. You remember my patient with the
clown phobia?
Niles: Oh, yes, of course, I'm sorry.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, I feel just terrible about this.
Niles: Frasier, you feel terrible? I was supposed to have dinner
with him tonight and I cancelled on him. I would have been
with him when it happened, but no, I had to try out those new
bath emollients.
Frasier: Yes, well, no point in trying to assign blame at a time like
this, Niles. We must remember that.

They sit.

Niles: You probably saved his life. [to a woman sitting in a chair]
Our father had a heart att*ck, this man saved his life!
Frasier: Well, I'm sure you would've done the same thing if you were
in my shoes, Niles. [to the woman] Well, not these shoes,
of course.

Roz gets off the elevator.

Roz: Hey.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, hi.

They get up. Roz hands Frasier a bag.

Roz: Here are your clothes.
Frasier: Thank you.
Roz: How's your dad?
Niles: Well, he's fine now, thanks to Frasier's grace under pressure.

A couple walks over.

Man: You know they say the first few minutes are critical?
Roz: Did you give him an aspirin?
Frasier: Uh, yes, I did.
Roz: He's been taking care of his dad for ten years.
Woman: God bless him. What a good son.

A nurse walks over.

Nurse: Uh, excuse me Dr. Crane, I have to verify the paramedic's
report. Around seven o'clock this evening you pretended to
leave your apartment...
Frasier: Yes, that's right, it's all there, off you go.
Nurse: Then you dressed up like a clown and lured you father into
the living room where you leapt out waving a meat cleaver
causing him to collapse.

Niles turns to Frasier, shocked, as are all the others.

Niles: You scared him on purpose?
Frasier: It was a joke!
Niles: You know how much he hates clowns! [to the others] My father
hates clowns.
Frasier: Yes, well it was only meant as a playful little jolt.
Roz: Why didn't you just throw a toaster in his tub?

The doctor comes out.

Doctor: Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Oh, yes.
Doctor: Your father's doing well. He appears to have suffered a mild
cardiac event.
Frasier: And what does that mean, exactly?
Doctor: Well, basically it's a warning. He'll need to change his
diet, start exercising. Anyway, he should be able to go home
tomorrow.

The doctor walks off and Frasier turns back to the others.

Frasier: What a relief! He's going to be okay!
Roz: No thanks to you!
Niles: Look at you. You just stand there with a smile on your face.
Frasier: That's makeup, you idiot! May I remind you all that this was
an accident?

He grabs the overnight bag and starts for the elevator.

Frasier: It was meant as a harmless amusement. I will not stand here
and be demonized for this. I am not a monster!

The elevator opens. Mimi, the coulrophobic nurse, is inside. Upon
seeing Frasier she lets out a shriek and turns away. Turning back to
escape the confines of the elevator, she is confronted by Frasier once
more and screams again, finally collapsing against the elevator rail
as Frasier runs the other way.

FADE TO:

DE-FIBBING

Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. Eddie is waiting on the couch as Martin and the boys come
in the front. Frasier is carrying Martin's bag from the hospital,
Niles has some bouquets which he sets on the coffee table and the
dinner table.

Frasier: Okay, Dad, now just take it easy.
Martin: I'm fine.

Eddie rushes over.

Martin: Hey, there's my guy. Daddy's home from the little vacation
your brother Frasier sent me on.
Frasier: All right, Dad.
Niles: Daphne's on her way over to join us for a nice, heart-smart
dinner.
Frasier: Right. Oh, and Dad, you really should take a look at this
list the hospital sent home with us. Now, the foods that
have a little picture of a, a smiling heart next to them are
good for you.
Martin: Yeah, I cracked the code already. Frasier, I wish you'd stop
coddling me. I know you're sorry and you didn't mean to give
me a heart att*ck.
Frasier: Not a heart att*ck, Dad, a, a cardiac event. You know, maybe
we can look on this as a sign that you should begin a
healthier lifestyle. Perhaps one day we'll look back on this
and you'll thank me for it.
Niles: Yes. Maybe then you can find a nice card for Frasier, like
"Now that I'm old and looking back, I thank you for my heart
att*ck."
Frasier: Cardiac event!

Martin reaches for his bag.

Martin: Here, give me this.
Frasier: No, Dad, here. I'll take this to your room for you. Why
don't you just sit down and rest?
Niles: Hey, were you able to reach Ronee at her mom's?
Martin: Nope.
Niles: Well, here, you can try her now.

Martin sits in his chair.

Martin: No, because I'm not tellin' her.
Frasier: What?
Martin: She doesn't need to know every little thing that goes on in
my life.
Frasier: Dad, you had a heart att*ck!
Martin: Cardiac event. And it's over.
Niles: Dad...
Martin: It's over.
Frasier: Dad, are you afraid she'll start seeing you differently?
Martin: Well, you see me differently. "Let me have that suitcase,
Dad." "Just sit down and rest." I don't need her thinkin'
of me as some feeble old guy.
Frasier: Do you really want to keep such an enormous secret from her?
Martin: Well, not forever. You and Niles can tell her after I'm dead.

The doorbell rings.

Niles: Oh, that'll be Daphne.

He goes to answer it.

Martin: She's not cookin', is she? I just got out of the hospital!

Niles stops to give him an outraged look, then opens the door. It is
Ronee.

[N.B. Daphne does not appear in this episode, except for the tag. Jane
Leeves was probably on maternity leave. In the next episode filmed,
"Caught In The Act" (which aired before this one) she was back to normal
and wore a fake stomach for Daphne's bump.]

Niles: Ronee.
Ronee: Surprise, boys, and start pourin'. How ya doin', sweetie?

Martin gets up and she gives him a big hug.

Martin: Hey. I thought you were at your mother's.
Ronee: Oh, you know, I cut it short. It was just too depressing.
Ever since her operation, she just sits around all day like
she's a hundred.

She notices the bouquet on the coffee table.

Ronee: Nice flowers. [reads the card] "Get well soon"?
Martin: Oh, I got those for Frasier. He has a little... man problem.

Frasier goes wide-eyed in shock and anger.

Martin: Flares up every once in a while.
Niles: Frasier has a... man problem.

He breaks down into giggles as he finishes.

Frasier: Shut up, ya nit!
Ronee: Hey, thank God for antibiotics, huh? I'll be right back and
then you wanna go out and get some ribs?
Martin: Oh, sounds great.

She goes into the powder room. Frasier and Niles glare at Martin.

Martin: Well, I'm not tellin' her. You heard what she said about her
mother.

He goes to get his coat.

Niles: Dad, you're not going to be able to keep this from her.
Martin: Well, watch me.
Frasier: And how are you going to explain the fact that you can't eat
ribs tonight? Or the new medication that you're on? Or the
fact that you can't have sex for the next two weeks?
Martin: Who says?
Frasier: It's on the list!
Niles: What little picture is next to that one?
Frasier: Dad, listen, uh, if she's not able to handle something like
this, isn't it better if you know now?

Ronee comes out.

Ronee: Okay, Marty, let's go pig out.

Frasier grabs the bag.

Frasier: Niles, help me put this stuff away, will you? Good seeing
you again, Ronee.
Ronee: Yeah, you too. I'm glad you're feeling better.
Frasier: Sorry?
Ronee: You know, your man problem.

The boys head off to Martin's room, Niles laughing again.

Frasier: Keep laughing and you're gonna have a man problem.

Martin hangs his coat back up.

Martin: You know, I'm not that hungry right now. Do you mind if we
just sit for a while?
Ronee: No, that's fine. You want me to go get you a beer?
Martin: No. So, uh, good weather over there in Spokane?
Ronee: God, no. It rained the entire time. I basically just sat
there and made boring small talk with my mother. God, I hate
small talk.

They sit on the couch.

Martin: Oh, tell me. Rained here some, too.

CUT TO: Martin's bedroom. Frasier and Niles come in and start
putting Martin's things away.

Niles: I don't know. I just hope it doesn't scare her off.
Frasier: Maybe she might surprise us.

Niles opens a drawer.

Niles: Does Ronee ever... spend the night here?
Frasier: Yeah, on occasion.
Niles: Well, good. 'Cause there's some underwear in here that I was
really hoping didn't belong to Dad.

Niles picks up a photo from the dresser.

Niles: Oh, look at this: Dad was right. We're camping and we're
having fun. Look how happy we are.

Frasier takes the photo, then points to something.

Frasier: No, the car's packed. We're leaving. God, what pains we
were. Didn't want to get our hands dirty, didn't want to go
fishing, didn't want to sleep on the ground. But he kept
taking us, year after year, just so he could spend time with
us.
Niles: And frighten us to death with stories of hook-armed slashers.
Frasier: You know, no matter how frightened I got, as soon as Dad
started laughing again I knew that everything was safe.
You know, I'm not ready to lose him, Niles.

Niles sits down on the bed.

Niles: Me neither. And I don't want my child to miss knowing him.
Who else is going to teach him how to catch a football ball?
Frasier: You know, eleven years ago when he moved in here, I couldn't
imagine a bigger infringement on my life. Now, I can't
imagine my life without him.
Niles: It would be very hard to walk into this apartment and see
that chair and know that Dad wasn't here anymore.
Frasier: Oh, I'd get rid of that chair immediately.

CUT TO: the living room.
Martin and Ronee are still sitting awkwardly on the couch.

Martin: So, you made the trip on one t*nk of gas? Wow.
Ronee: Yeah, that was really one for the books. Okay, Marty, what's
going on?
Martin: What?
Ronee: Well, I feel like you've got something on your mind that
you're not telling me.
Martin: No, I don't. It's just... Boy, this is hard. I'm just
nervous about what you're gonna to say.
Ronee: Marty, just...
Martin: Yesterday, I had a mild, very mild, cardiac event.
Ronee: A what?
Martin: I had a little heart att*ck.
Ronee: And that's it?
Martin: What do you mean, "that's it"? I had a heart att*ck, for
God's sake!
Ronee: Well, no surgery, home the next day, that's a bee sting.
Did they use the paddles?
Martin: No.
Ronee: Well, talk to me after they've used the paddles.

She leans back.

Martin: You had the paddles?
Ronee: All right, let's just say I didn't have the best lipo guy,
okay?
Martin: Well, I'm sorry it's not dramatic enough for you.
Ronee: Look, after all that build up, I just thought it would be
something bigger, all right? Like you were gonna break up
with me or pop the question or something. And FYI, the next
time you're in the hospital, I would appreciate a phone call
if it's not too much trouble.
Martin: Fine! And FYI I'm not breakin' up with you.
Ronee: Well, I know that now.
Martin: And if I was gonna do that other thing, it wouldn't be here.
Ronee: What other thing?
Martin: Pop the question.
Ronee: Oh.
Martin: It'd be someplace romantic, for God's sake. Uh...
tablecloths!
Ronee: Nice.
Martin: Damn right it'd be nice. So?
Ronee: So, what?
Martin: So what would you have said?
Ronee: Well, how should I know? You didn't ask me.
Martin: Well, so say I am now.
Ronee: What?
Martin: Asking you.
Ronee: Well, are you or are aren't you?
Martin: I am.
Ronee: Okay then.
Martin: Okay. Okay what?
Ronee: Okay I will.
Martin: Yeah?
Ronee: Yeah.
Martin: Okay.
Ronee: Okay.

Martin seems satisfied for a moment, then gets a confused look on his
face. So does Ronee.

CUT TO: Martin's bedroom. Frasier is sitting on the dresser,
talking to Niles.

Frasier: Oh, maybe Dad's right. I am getting stuck in my ways. I
like the way things are, I don't want them to change.
Niles: Well, don't worry, he's not going anywhere for a while.

Martin bursts into the room.

Martin: Hey guys, guess what? I'm gettin' married!

Ronee comes in.

Ronee: Well, come on boys, give your ol' mom a kiss!

She pulls the shocked pair into a hug.

FADE OUT.

Credits:

Daphne is serving dinner to Ronee and Martin. Martin takes a look at
his heart-healthy meal, then makes a face. He convinces Ronee to
trade, then takes a bite of her food. Making a worse face, he
switches the plates back.