13x19 - Funeralia

[bunniefuu]

Rowena: Hello boys. I’m very sure I haven’t done anything that you know of to make you want to call but how lovely to hear from you.

Sam: Dean and Cas in the bunker.

Sam: That’s not…we ..erm.

Rowena: you’ll have to speak up

Dean: We need your help

Rowena: Really?

Castiel: We must assemble our most powerful allies to rescue our family and confront the Archangel Michael. Now he’s… in an alternate universe so..

Rowena: Uh, the handsome angel is there isn’t he? Hello tweety pie.

Castiel: erm …..hello.

Rowena: Obviously I’d love to help after what you….. Sam did for me but I’m in the damp pacific North West right now working on my own little project.

Dean: Project?

Sam: What project?

Rowena: Och nothing for you to worry about. Just checking a few items off my to do list

Dean: Sure that doesn’t sound ominous {sarcasm}

Sam: Are you at a party or something?

Rowena: I am ,but I’m surprised you recognise the sounds of a party seeing as you are all work and no play.

Dean: Look we didn’t call to talk. We…….the world is in danger Rowena.

Rowena: And I’m currently surrounded by art that makes me think the world should be in danger. Best of luck to you boys. { she holds the phone close to her mouth}…. My three little musketeers… kiss kiss.

Dean: Damn it!

Castiel: You know she’s right…… you never go to parties. { Sam and Dean exchange looks of disbelief and Dean shakes his head.}

Rowena: { approaches one of the guests} Good afternoon

Rowena: You’re Elizabeth Mahler aren’t you?

Elizabeth: Yes, do I know you?

Rowena: No, but I know you. I saw you in the newspaper didn’t ? In the Oregon Tribune

Elizabeth: There’s no need to bring up any of that unpleasantness

Rowena: Of course not, my humblest apologies { hears Tango music} Oh Bernard, they’re playing my song. Be a darling will you? { She hands Elizabeth her handbag} Glad you could make it too.{ Rowena dances the tango with Bernard and at the last move mutters} Mors Lumena!

Elizabeth: screams and spontaneously combusts!

Dean: You know what? Forget Rowena…. There’s gotta be some other way we can track down Gabriel and hijack his grace.

Cas: Even though he could be any place on earth…. Or technically anywhere in the entire universe?

Dean: I didn’t say it was gonna be easy but err…. Alright…. C’mon ideas…… {closes his eyes and thinks hard} here we go…….{ silence from both of them} Nah, I need a real drink…… I’m gonna get a beer….. you wanna beer?

Castiel: No

Dean: I’ll get beer

Castiel: { suddenly has an idea} The Angels

Dean: What?

Cas: Maybe Heaven can help us?

Dean: Ah not for nothing but don’t the angels mostly want to k*ll you?

Cas: Yes this would be something of a hail Mary

Dean: mm

Cas: It’s a sports term like slam dunk or ball handler

Dean: That’s err… { tolerant face} No I don’t think that’s gonna be a good idea

Cas: Well Dean we don’t have any good ideas

Dean: Ok let’s just not barrel through with that like a …. You know….. like the Donatello thing.

Cas: We had our disagreements but we got results

Dean: That doesn’t make it ok

Cas: I hear your concerns and yes the angels loathe me and there’s going to be dangers but heaven doesn’t want the world to end any more than we do.

Sam: enters the kitchen with his laptop.

Cas: This is something that I have to try.

Sam: We got a problem

Dean: Another one….. Awesome

Sam: All the stuff that Rowena said on the phone… visiting the North West, art gallery, party….. I think I found her.{ he hands the tablet to Dean who reads the article}

Dean: A rich lady exploded!

Sam: Yeah…local cops are calling it spontaneous combustion…… pretty much.

Cas: That does sound like Rowena

Dean: I knew it….. I friggin knew it man! You gave her that page! What do you think was gonna happen ha?

Sam: She wanted to protect herself

Dean: Yeah by barbecuing someone!

Sam: We don’t know what this is yet. Maybe she had a reason…..

Dean: Doesn’t matter what the reason is….. That’s not ok.!

Sam: Ok I said if Rowena goes bad again I’d deal with it…. So I’ll deal with it.

Dean: You better. Cas, you wanna try this angel thing then go for it….. Just don’t get dead again.

Cas: Hello! Endra?

Endra: Castiel { Endra appears from the climbing frame with a bottle of alcohol in his hands}, nice blade. Aww are we going to fight?

Cas: No, no I don’t want to…. I just want to get in to heaven.

Endra: Ok, who’s stopping you?

Cas: This isn’t the welcome I was expecting

Endra: Yeah well… were all having to deal with disappointment lately. Look { he slides down the monkey bars} I could get it together to err….. battle if ya want. I mean none of the angels are exactly thrilled with your on going adventures but personally….{ he drinks sadly from the bottle in his hand}

Cas: Is that a…… are you drunk?

Endra: Well, not yet but if I keep drinking at this pace it’ll start to at least take the edge off

Cas: Endra this is an important responsibility. You’re guarding the gates of heaven!

Endra: Oh, you think it’s an important responsibility? You? { he laughs and drinks some more}

Cas: Endra!

Endra: Hey, hey, between us if you wanna just say we fought and angel blade me right now…… that’d be ok.

Cas: Is that a joke!?

Endra: Is it?

Cas: Endra, whats wrong?

Endra: See for yourself. For what it’s worth…. Good luck.

{ Cas steps in to the sandpit and disappears in a swirl of dust}

Cas: Hello! Hello……..hello…

Cas: Dumah, I need to talk to you. I know you want to m*rder me and I know that you have good reason to want to m*rder me but there are events unfolding on earth and err …well… the Archangel Gabriel is alive and I need to find him before Michael… who’s not our Michael….. it’s another Michael…… a much much worse Michael. I need to find him before that Michael invades the world to either subjugate or destroy it or both probably in that order….. and there’s also the problem of a missing Nephilim and Lucifer….. he’s back too. It’s been an eventful few weeks. I realise that this may be a long sh*t but….. {the lights dim}….. What is that?

Dumah: Castiel, I think, I think that maybe we could help each other.



Sam: { calling}

Dean: Still no answer?

Sam: Yep, still no answer

Dean: Ya know I don’t wanna be right about this but… I mean.. look…. I want the fun flirty Rowena that mostly helps us but you gotta be ready for…… not that.

Jessica: Or maybe she just has bad cell reception.

Dean: What the hell??!

Sam: Who are you?

Jessica: Hi Dean.

Dean: Wait…… Jessica?

Sam: So you know her?

Dean: Yeah…. She’s a reaper. She tried to take me to the light…. Didn’t work out.

Jessica: Really didn’t and honestly it’s been a little sad watching you go all this time without telling Sam about me.

Sam: Hold on a second…. What do ya mean…. Watching?

Jessica: Well, after Dean’s little trip to the veil Death asked me to keep an eye on you two …. In case..

Dean: In case of what?

Jessica: This…. I guess. I don’t ask Death questions. Never goes well.

Sam: So what…. You’ve just been hovering around us invisible like a baby sitter?

Jessica: No, no more like a baby monitor…… hahaha

Sam: And you’ve seen …erm { embarrassed}

Jessica: Oh everything.

Dean: You mean like everything, everything?

Jessica: I’m especially fond of Sam’s impressive… extensive array of hair care products. Not to mention the three day old bacon cheeseburger in your room{ looks at Dean} or the VHS tape hidden under your bed labelled sweet princess Asoka meets the tentacles…..

Dean: Ok…. Alright that’s not cool, ok … that’s ….. first of all that’s a classic, secondly the burgers for emergency cases only.

Sam: { looks at Dean disgusted} Ok…. Gross. Now why are you just manifesting now?

Jessica: People in Portland have been dying outside of their assigned times because apparently someone has become powerful enough to do that!

Sam: Rowena?

Jessica: So I’ve been instructed to offer my assistance as a resource.

Dean: Wait….. you said people are dying… as in more than one?

Jessica: Four so far.

Sam: Yeah ok…. We’re handling it..

Jessica: But if you need anything….

Sam: We don’t and we won’t.

Jessica: Well I’m around… always { she disappears after giving both Sam and Dean a knowing look}

Dean: Ok, well you know we could have actually used her help.

Sam: Seriously!? You trust her?

Dean: No I don’t trust her but between the reapers and Death, what the hell’s this witch got us into huh?

Rowena: I’ve become too sentimental that’s the problem. Something I never would have expected. { her phone rings} Och, this won’t be fun Bernard. The Winchesters keep calling and they won’t just give up. They’ll come here but we won’t let anyone stop me from fixing things. I’m capable of anything now…… ANYTHING. { eyes glow purple}

Sam: and Dean are dressed as FBI agents and are at the site of Elizabeth Mahler’s death.

Sam: The victim’s name was Elizabeth Mahler. I am in her e mail right now.

Dean: Any of it look like Rowena bait?

Sam: Erm… so Mahler was the CFO of a local pharmaceutical company..{ reading his tablet} oh wow!

Dean: What?

Sam: Look at this…Pirodine pharmaceuticals…. Well they sold thousands of improperly labelled dr*gs.

Dean: So….. what…… people got sick?

Sam: People d*ed. Oh wow…. Mahler’s lawyer got her off on a technicality

Dean: Ok…. What…… you think she deserved it?

Sam: { irritated} Look, I’m done defending Rowena ok…….. I’m just reading what’s there.

Dean: Ok, I have a question { he gestures to two piles of ash on the floor}… If that’s Elizabeth Mahler.. who the hell is that?

Sam: I dunno….. The article only mentioned one person. Wait a second…… I’ve seen something like that before… No way! That is what’s left of a reaper{ he shows Dean an image on the internet }

Dean: I got n idea… come on. {they leave the building and stand outside}

Dean: Yo! Jessica!

Jessica: Hi.

Sam: Hi. So erm… that dead reaper in there, is that why you’re so all of a sudden keen on helping ?

Jessica: I’m glad you’re ready to chat now. This will be a positive experience.

Dean: Ok, you can drop the whole warm and fuzzy thing.

Jessica: That’s just a useful effect. I’m still an instrument of death.

Sam: You know you could have told us Rowena was k*lling reapers.

Jessica: And I would have but you were ..handling it!

Dean: Ok …alright.. talk.

Jessica: Rowena’s changing people’s fates. She’s k*lling them before their time and when a reaper shows…..

Sam: She torches them too.

Jessica: Yes.

Dean: Why?

Jessica: You’ll have to ask her when you stop her because if she keeps this up she is going to throw off fate…. The whole greater machinery of death.

Sam: That means?

Jessica: Have you ever heard of the butterfly effect?

Dean: Ashton’s second best movie!

Sam: { looks at Dean incredulous} Yeah of course….. one small mistake can cause all kinds of bad. What about it?

Jessica: If just one person dies before their time a lot of things that were supposed to happen…. Don’t. The ripple effect from just one early death can affect hundreds of lives and changing their fates changes even more fates until things just become sincerely unfortunate and we have to hit the rest button.

Sam: What does that mean?

Jessica: Usually? A mass k*ll off like the Black Plague or a mid sized w*r…. Something to wipe the board clean. So… you’re help in avoiding that would be greatly appreciated by everyone.

Dean: If it’s so bad why don’t you stop her?

Jessica: You’ve met Billie right? She’s got rules…. Clean hands.. no interference….. no direct interference anyway. We can’t stop her but you can. { she looks directly at Sam}

Sam: What…. Me?

Jessica: Death keeps notebooks of all the ways a person might die depending on their choices. Dean’s seen his.

Dean: I gotta whole shelf.

Jessica: but in Rowena McLeod’s note book her death is always the same. She’s k*lled Sam Winchester…. By you!

Dumah: enters

Dumah: Sorry to keep you waiting.

Cas: It’s fine…… actually it’s not fine because all of creation is at stake but here we are.

Dumah: Yes, well….. There’s a lot going on

Cas: Yes… well I noticed. Dumah, what did you mean that we could help each other?

Dumah: Find Gabriel and bring him back to us…. Back home.. and we can help you with everything else…. Battling Michael, defending Earth.

Cas: I can’t find him…. That’s why I need your help.

Dumah: Right, well …then that’s a problem

Cas: I don’t understand, can’t you find a few angels to….

Naomi: That’s enough Castiel!

Naomi: It’s not that we won’t help you…. It’s that we can’t.

Sam: Ok, it definitely looks like she’s working her way through these Pirodine pharmaceutical people.

Dean: You have any idea who’s next?

Sam: No…. I mean everyone mentioned in the articles is already dead……Wait a second…. Except for James Melford the CEO.

Dean: Alright, what do we know about him?

Jessica: {suddenly from the back seat} He’s dying.

Dean: Stop doing that!

Sam: What do ya mean he’s already ….

Jessica: He was down for hell but his time of death just shifted.

Sam: When?

Jessica: Now!

Rowena: This is a lovely backyard, but you really should have tried to run James.

James: { begging for his life} Please…

Rowena: { bending down near him} After what you’ve done to so many sick people all over the country, letting them suffer and taking their money you should consider this death a blessing because you’re finally helping someone else.

James: Who?

Rowena: Wait for it…..{ eyes glow as she looks around}…. And there he is { a reaper appears}

Reaper: You can see me?

Rowena: Aye…. Do ya have a message for me from your boss? One quick chat and all of this will end.

Reaper: Death doesn’t negotiate with witches.

Rowena: Mors Lumena!

James: { screams as he combusts}

Reaper: { screams as he combusts}

Dean: { looking at the pile of ashes on the ground} So much for James Melford.

Jessica: And Martin…. His reaper. His name was Martin.

Sam :{ his phone rings} here we go…. Rowena!

Rowena: I don’t suppose there’s any way you’ll simply leave me to my business before something…. Unfortunate… happens?

Sam: Oh… you’re starting off with a thr*at? Nice.

Rowena: I would never…… this doesn’t involve you boys.

Dean: { on speaker} You’re k*lling people…. It involves us!

Rowena: { playing with Bernard’s hair}… if you’d let me explain…

Sam: You think this is something you can just explain away? I trusted you.

Rowena: I know that Sam. I’d just rather not talk about this over the phone. I’ll text you an address. Meet me there in half an hour.

Dean: and then what?

Rowena: Then either you believe me or you don’t. Either way the drinks are on me. { hangs up}

Dean: I don’t like it. What’s the odds that this is a trap?

Sam: Well its Rowena…. Of course it’s a trap

Rowena: Once we’re face to face I’ll convince them to stop or we’ll stop them. Are you ready Bernard? { she puts several hex bags in her purse}

Cas: How are you alive?

Naomi: A drill in the head wasn’t going to k*ll me … you should know that.

Cas: You know I have to admit I was relieved to hear you were dead.

Naomi: We never did see eye to eye.

Cas: No, no we didn’t, because you STOLE my memories and you threatened to tear me apart and you made me repeatedly act out Dean Winchester’s m*rder and you k*lled many many people.

Naomi: Those were simpler times

Cas: I’m sorry goes a long way.

Naomi: Uhuh….after Metatron att*cked I had a few reliable angles spread the word that I was dead.

Cas: so you’ve been hiding?

Naomi: Recovering

Cas: All this time?

Naomi: Well forgive me for taking a few years to put my thoughts back in my skull. There’s still a few holes pardon the phrasing but I’m mostly here. I have to be.

Cas: Us….. Angels.

Naomi: That’s right were all…..Every angel is like a walking talking battery { lights dim again} and that is what happens when we run out of power.

Cas: I don’t understand.

Naomi: Well, let me make it simple for you. There are a grand total of 9 angels in heaven present company included and one or two on earth…. That’s all…… we are the last men and women and divine waves of light still standing….. As it were.

Cas: No that’s no err….. That’s not erm…I knew our numbers were small…

Naomi: You wanna know why we can’t help you? Because none of us can leave….. we’re the only things keeping the lights on.{ lights dim again}… barely. We need everyone, especially an Archangel. Now the others thought any Archangel would do…. Long story… but your news about Gabriel is…for lack of a better word..blessed. With his power we can keep heaven running.

Cas: And without him?

Naomi: Without him, in time we’ll burn out, heaven will crumble and all the souls that have been entrusted in our care will fall back to earth. Picture it Castiel… billions and billions of ghosts unleashed upon the world…. All that chaos….. all that death.

Rowena: and Bernard enter the hotel bar. Sam and Dean are sat at a table.

Dean: Heads up!

Rowena: Boys.

Dean: { gesturing towards Bernard } What’s with the goon?

Rowena: Just a precaution. We’re all wary aren’t we? Surely you’ve got your witch k*lling b*ll*ts handy?

Sam: { upset} Were you just playing e the whole time?

Rowena: { sympathetic} Of course not but once I unlocked my power I couldn’t just hide away…. I realised I can right some wrongs that are long overdue.

Dean: By k*lling innocents?

Rowena: Innocents?! These drug company people. They lied about their product for money! Money they used to avoid the Law. They’ve hurt thousands of sick people which makes them far worse than most of the monsters you’ve k*lled. I’m striking a blow for justice!

Sam: Yeah, then why are you k*lling the reapers?

Rowena: Well, they’re just a means to an end. It’s not easy to get Deaths attention.

Dean: Trust me….. That’s not the kind of attention you want.

Rowena: Oh but it is. Death has something I want.

Sam: What’s that?

Rowena: My son! After you told me he was gone…. How he d*ed… I had an un expected reaction. We had our differences but it’s my fault he went down the path he did. I left him.

Dean: We’re talking about Crowley… Demon…. King of Hell?

Rowena: We’re talking about Fergus… a man abandoned and loveless tricked by a demon… d*ed in a gutter. He deserved better from the world….. from me!

Dean: Well Crowley’s dead. .There’s no coming back from that.

Rowena: Oh is that so Dean? Are only Winchesters allowed to come back from the dead? The rest of us just have to accept it? I don’t think so ! I’m putting death on notice.

Dean: Alright

Sam: Well she’s taken notice.

Rowena: She? Interesting.

Dean: And she’s upset but you can quit this before….

Rowena: I’m not afraid and as much as I enjoy our little talks…you can’t stop me.

Sam: Actually we can.

Rowena: And what makes you think that?

Dean: Because every version of your death, your real permanent death…. Sam’s the one that kills you.

Rowena: { taken aback} I see.

Sam: yep, but it’s not gonna happen tonight. { As Sam leans towards Rowena with the warded handcuffs she disappears in a pall of purple haze.}

Rowena: as she disappears… I hope you don’t mind astral projection? Safety first boys.

Sam: Rowena! Hey Rowena! { he chases her down the corridor}

Dean: also giving chase runs into Bernards forearm and a furious fight ensues between the two of them.

Dean: You know she’s controlling your brain.

Bernard: She’s powerful, she’s gorgeous and she’s paying me a small fortune. That woman didn’t have to cast a spell on me. { Dean launches himself at Bernard}

Sam: Rowena STOP! { points the g*n at her} Stay right there. Listen to me. I get what you’re trying to do for Crowley but you’re messing with the machinery of the Universe. Death won’t give you what you want. You have to stop!

Rowena: I can’t stop Samuel…. You’ll have to sh**t me. { she turns to face him and Sam conflicted eventually sh**t. Rowena stops the b*llet mid air with her hand , eyes glowing purple and the b*llet falls to the ground}

Sam: H…how?

Rowena: You really would have sh*t me? Insomniac! { Sam falls to the ground in a coma}

Jessica: You are doing really well but you need to hurry {To Dean}

Dean: { through gritted teeth} A little help would be nice!

Jessica: Can’t….. Clean hands.

Dean: eventually gets the better of Bernard strangling him.

Jessica: He was a highly trained m*llitary operative. It’s impressive that you could…..

Dean: Sam! { races off to find Sam. He sees Sam’s g*n on the ground in the alley and is worried sick. Jessica appears} WHERE THE HELL IS MY BROTHER!?

Rowena: Don’t struggle….. you’ll only make things worse!

Sam: Rowena, listen to me.. this powers going to your head. It’s making you go crazy!

Rowena: Nooo its giving me clarity. It’s showing me that everything I did before for wealth, for magic, for myself, meant nothing…. And it took everything from me everyone I loved, my family, Oscar, my son. I’m a flawed, petty ,evil creature Samuel and I don’t know if I can be redeemed but I have to try and I do wish there was another way.

Sam: W..wh.. what are you saying?{ fearing for his life}

Rowena: mm you said it yourself…. There’s only one way to stop me. You! But if you’re dead well then I can’t be stopped can I ? Death will have to grant me an audience.

Sam: You… you…you don’t know that!

Rowena: True but there’s only one way to find out. { She cuts her hand}

Sam: { panic stricken} What are you doing? What is that? { Rowena pours liquid in to her palm}

Rowena: You don’t wanna know.

Sam: Rowena……. Don’t do this! You don’t have to do this!

Rowena: What haven’t you done for your family? What wouldn’t you do? I’m sorry Sam{ she thrusts her hand on to his tattoo and he screams}

Death: Hello Rowena

Rowena: You! I know you.

Death: We met when I was a reaper.

Rowena: We totally did. If we’d just exchanged numbers none of this would have been necessary.

Death: You’re upsetting the natural order. That’s unwise.

Rowena: Bring back my son and it all stops. Say no and I’ll….

Death: no.

Rowena: Then I’ll k*ll Sam Winchester, that’ll really frog up your natural order wont it?



Death: Go ahead.

Sam: { struggles and grunts}

Rowena: What?

Death: I don’t think it’s a good thing and I don’t believe any of us will like what comes next but I don’t do blackmail so…. Go ahead.

Death: I’m curious to see what happens.

Sam: no no no Rowena! I know what you went through and I know how much you lost and I realise how much you want your family back….. Don’t do this…. This is not you…. Not any more.

Rowena: What happened to me… those were my choices but Fergus never…… it wasn’t fair! { Rowena turns towards death and screams} IT’S NOT FAIR! {Rowena blasts Death with purple light which has no effect}

Death: you were never going to k*ll him. There was a time you would have, but not now.

Death: I can see that

Rowena: { crying} I don’t know why I’m doing it.

Death: Sometimes life is unfair and sometimes we lose things and sometimes we make mistakes and some of these things can never be fixed no matter how powerful you become…… some things just are….and everyone has to live with that.

Rowena: { sobbing} and now you’ll take me?

Death: no, you already know how your story ends { Death looks at Sam}

Dean: SAM!

Sam: DEAN!

Death: Hey Dean….see you again soon. { Death disappears}

Naomi: If you find Gabriel, tell him what’s happening in heaven

Cas: and if I can’t find him?

Naomi: We’ll do our duty… keep things running

Cas: For how long?

Naomi: ah that’s the scary part….

Cas: we will find a way to fix this…. We will.

Naomi: This may be one of those things that can’t be fixed Castiel

Cas: This is heaven we are talking about!

Naomi: everything ends Castiel

Cas: everything ends.

Naomi: but until then the gates of heaven are closed.

Rowenas: hotel room. Sam, Dean and Rowena are all sat on the floor.

Sam: how ya feelin?

Dean: like I got punched in the face…. A lot.

Sam: huh

Rowena: yeah, about that…. Bernard’s very enthusiastic

Dean: yeah, that’s one word for it! { drinks beer}

Sam: { to Rowena} and what about you? How are you feeling?

Rowena: I fought Death and lost. I feel tired, weaker, I don’t know if its forever…… Sam, what have I done?

Sam: you had a chance to k*ll me and you didn’t. I’d call that progress.

Dean: I’d call that a miracle! { Dean and Rowena exchange looks}

Sam: you know what happened with Crowley? That wasn’t your fault

Rowena: He never had a chance

Dean: He made his choices…… just like we all do. Look every one of us has done something that we have to live with, that were trying to make up for….. every one of us.

Sam: even without all that extra juice you’re still the deadliest witch around.

Rowena: flatterer

Sam: Yeah well erm…. We may need your help to save our family….. hell, to save the world.

Dean: You wanna be redeemed…… this’d be a pretty big step.

Rowena: And do you think I can still be?

Dean: yeah I do

Sam: We both do but before you answer you gotta know something…. Erm Lucifer is back.

Rowena: {terrified} … of course he is.

Dean: no you’re not gonna…..

Rowena: breakdown….. cry……in terror? Of course I’m horrified and scared, my heart may have stopped but…Lucifer isn’t the one who’s going to k*ll me is he?

Sam: you changed other people’s fates….. Maybe we can change yours?

Dean: so what do ya say…… you in?

♪ ♪