09x20 - Mother!

[bunniefuu]

Daddies will miss you both so much! Have the best time!

Bye, honey.

- Ohh.

We're alone! We're alone! We're alone! We're alone!

There's a box out here marked fruit of the month.

I'm assuming that means one of you won a contest.

So, Pam's moving back home after living in our upstairs unit for like three years.

Uh, okay, it's been a year and nine days, and she chopped us all that wood.

Plus, she's taking Lily back to see my parents.

It's birthing season so she gets to name her first pig.

Oh, and then we slaughter it on her 13th birthday.

There's prayers and dancing.

It's not unlike your standard bar mitzvah.

Except a lot more pork and a lot less Jews.

Anyway, we're excited to have the house to ourselves again.

BOTH: Naked breakfast, naked breakfast

[KNOCKING] Just ignore it.

Making sausages and grits, barely coverin' our bits Cookin' a frittata while wearin' nada

[DOOR OPENS] I knew you two would keep the side door unlocked.

What would you do if I were a deranged psychopath?

I'd probably start with, "Hi, Mom, what are you doing here?"

Jerry and I had a terrible row! Ohh.

Well, put on some pants so we can hug.

- Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Back to back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why didn't we just back out?

I don't know, but we're already committed to this.

LUKE: Okay, last run.

PHIL: And then we clean up or your mom will be mad.

And go!

-[LAUGHS]

- Nice job.

Keep her steady.

- Okay.

- Got this.

- Oh!

- No!

- Oh, no.

- Oh, no! I recently sat for my Pritchett's Closets presidential portrait.

It's a dumb tradition my dad started, but I kind of love the way mine turned out.

At least it's more understated than his.

The colors are muted and I am not wearing a sash and service revolver.

We're dead.

We never should have played with Where is the drone?

Did you turn it off?

I was asleep.

Wow, this place looks dynamite.

I wanted to give Manny a nice premiere for his movie.

He's been in such a dry spell creatively.

That modern dance recital was like Ugh, I couldn't even look at that leotard.

Okay, yeah, he's a terrible dancer, but you don't have to use that word.

For my film class, I wrote and directed a short.

I felt the horror genre was the best way to grapple with the struggles of our time.

When Manny first came to me with the project You read a script I left out and you elbowed your way in.

Semantics.

I was gonna be the silent money.

But it turns out I've got some natural storytelling talent, so I took on a more creative role.

In spite of that, I got my first "A." Our first "A."

MITCHELL: I can't deal with my mother's marriage drama right now.

Nobody gets the love-lorn back on their feet and out the door faster than we do.

We'll just trot out our our trusty "heartbreak kit."

Is that in the closet next to the earthquake kit?

And the Eartha Kitt.

Did you put those all in the same place just to delight me?

- I did.

- Aww.

So, you have wine, a self-help book, a-a pillow shaped like the platonic ideal of a male torso for cuddling and/or punching And a DVD we made for you called the "Donna Summer Olympics.

" [LAUGHS] It's a compilation of all the sexiest male athletes accompanied by the high queen of disco.

Oh, you boys.

So sensitive to a woman's needs.

Unlike Jerry.

Did I tell you that his mother is living with us?

Yeah, no discussion.

She just shows up with her birds.

Well, you know, Mom, relationships take sacrifice.

I mean, when Cam's sister Pam moved in, it w it was hard on me.

I-I was constantly worried about the lost money on the upstairs rental and You know, Mitchell, maybe we shouldn't discuss money.

It can be a bit unseemly.

I wasn't planning on being unseemly, a word I've never heard you use before.

I-I'm simply saying how stressful having a long-term house guest can be and

- Oh.

- Oh, sweetie, yeah, take a breath.

Oh, my Oh, my Oh, my God.

No.

No.

You used to do this when I was young.

Did you get this move from my mother?

Mitchell, there is no reason for this uns um, high-temper Unseemly!

You were gonna say "unseemly"! Unseemly! You stole that word from her.

Okay, okay, okay.

W-What's going on here?

Are you two, um friends? Yes.

We talk on the phone, e-mail, exchange recipes.

Oh.

Oh, is she the reason we've been eating so much quinoa?

- It's a super-food.

- It's a super-food.

Okay, okay.

Can I talk to you for a second? Come on.

Okay, no reason to lie about it, 'cause I already know.

How long have you been involved with this woman?

Can I ask a question? Is there a chance you're just kind of making this all about Mitchell?

[GASPS] That's her.

Your mouth is moving, but that is her talking.

Okay, don't you see what's happening?

She's manipulating you to manipulate me.

Don't you think I'm smart enough to know if I'm being used? I also have a mom.

You're out of your league here, bumpkin!

Okay, this is a city mother! Wow.

What happened to the seemly man I married?

You can't use it like that.

Okay, how's it looking?

Not bad.

Who would've thought Mom and Teddy Roosevelt were identical front-teeth twins? Okay, just give me a quick minute to dry the glue.

Oh, can you throw that shirt on a hanger for me, actually?

I need to look sharp for Manny's premiere tonight.

I play the Sheriff, which is ironic because I steal every scene I'm in.

Dad, no! It's melting! ZZ Top! I've ruined your mother.

Wait a second.

Today's your mom's monthly spa day.

I'm not following.

Afterwards, th-there's a brief window when she's at her most relaxed and understanding.

It's the best time to give her bad news.

I was gonna tell her about the $500 I wired to that stranded British guy on the phone, but this seems more important.

Hi.

Is Mom home? Honey, you look nice.

Why? Did I hear Mom?

Wait, you're dressed like a girl.

No! You are not using the window.

You got the last one! Did everyone know about this window?

You guys need it too? For what?

[LAUGHS] Oh, wow.

It is not easy doing something that dumb.

Yeah, this is why men are over.

I hope you enjoyed the last 10,000 years.

Listen, I have to bail on our trip with Mom for Mother's Day.

No! I have to bail, you have to go!

She cried when we asked her.

But my boss invited me to the Met Ball.

Her therapy dog got the flu, so I get to fly first class.

- Well, on her lap.

- But Bill wants to take me away.

This is the first time I've had a boyfriend who's not spending Mother's Day watching "Driving Miss Daisy" and pulling gray hairs out of a hairbrush.

Three asks in one window, it's unprecedented.

If we're gonna pull this off, we're gonna have to make this the most relaxing environment she's ever walked into.

Surprise!

- Nana!

- Dede!

I'm sorry to barge in.

I was visiting Cam and Mitch, and there's some tension over there.

Well, where's my daughter? I don't hear any cooking or cleaning sounds so I assume she's home.

[LAUGHS] Dad, what do we do?

Mitchell must've brought her.

Maybe he's still out

[TIRES SQUEAL] Coward!

- [DOOR OPENS]

- Oh, just in time.

"Chapter Five Toss that clown, he's been keeping you down."

Cam, I spent my whole life trying to get out from underneath my mother's thumb, and I-I finally thought that that was over.

So to find out that she's been secretly managing me through you Okay, before you throw a clot, please, come look at my laptop.

Read the e-mails your mother and I have sent.

743 e-mails!

It's mostly from one thread.

- Okay, look what she says in this one.

- Mm-hmm.

- "Some kitchen items you might like.

" - Mm-hmm.

- The stove, the tiles

- What? the the the folksy sign on the wall, Cam!

You said that these were your ideas.

D-Don't you see she incepted you and and designed our whole kitchen?!

It was all so diabolical, and it went deep.

She tricked us into making every decision in our lives.

For example, 12 years ago, she sent me pictures of adorable Asian babies.

While hitting me with a little reverse psychology.

"Mitchell, America has taken so much from the Vietnamese, do you really want to snatch one of their children?"

I do if you don't want me to! Oh, my God, 2004?! Th-That's a year into our relationship.

"Oh, Cam, I hate to think of you living all alone in that tiny apartment with a broken ankle.

" [GASPS] And on the same day, she's e-mailing you, "It's too soon to move in with someone.I strongly discourage it."

Which is exactly why I did it.

- And because you love me so much.

- And because we were in love.

- Oh, my God.

- Mitchell.

- She's everywhere.

- She is.

Cam.

I'm scared.

MANNY: Jay, you're abusing my editor.

- [MAN SCREAMS]

- Wait, stop.

Back it up.

No, no.

The movie's done.

We can't keep arguing about this! Don't we both want to cut the sheriff?! Yes! He stinks on ice!

But it hurts the story if we don't stay on him long enough in the closet to see the terror on his face!

You just want to see the Pritchett's Closets emblem next to his head!

GLORIA: No, no, no, not again! The red carpet that they sent me is orange, and they keep putting me on hold.

I never thought that I could hate hearing "She Bangs" over and over.

- You didn't?

- Really? Manny, give me the movie.

I need to make sure that the projector is working and that the picture is good.

Here, take it.

It's done, anyway.

I don't know what to do with this.

I'm gonna need to borrow your nerd.

And why don't you go get me a tomato juice?

Look, I know we've had our creative differences, but I really think we have a hit on our hands.

I'm pretty proud of it, too.

And a little nervous to put it out there.

'Cause you made the monster just like Mom?

- No, we didn't.

- What are you talking about? That noise.

It's what she says all the time.

WOMAN: She's coming!

[WARBLING SCREECH] [FOOTSTEPS CLACKING]

GLORIA: Stella, no! Out, out! I'll k*ll you!

[HIGH HEELS CLACKING]

How could this happen?! We spent weeks perfecting the monster's trademark scream by combining a bunch of unsettling noises.

Horror movies are all about the sound.

Particularly when your special effects budget has been repurposed for an on-set massage chair.

Hey, you used it just as much as I did.

So, our monster sounds like your mother screaming?

But we didn't know that before we put it in, right?

- No, of course not, we love her.

- To the moon.

Maybe she won't notice.

We better hope not.

- It's your movie.

- It's your movie.

She's asleep? How lucky.

Kind of lucky.

She said she was tired and Haley gave her some tea.

What was in the tea? You want her asleep, or you want to ask questions?

Mom just pulled up! Quick, longest straw goes first with her, then medium, then shortest.

-Yes!

-Yes!

- That's the short straw.

You're last.

- Oh, damn it! I'm so used to a world where the smallest size wins.

This sucks, you guys are gonna use up all of Mom's happy buzz.

- Oh, there she is! She's here!

- Hurry! Cover her up so Mom can't see!

- There she is!

- There's my beautiful family!

- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, Mom.

Wait, why are those shirts over there?

Oh, sorry.

We didn't finish the laundry.

Oh, well, don't sweat it, handsome.

Read a paper, we ain't got problems.

So, Mom, we made you lunch, but it's so pretty outside.

Let's have a little picnic.

Yeah, I love that idea.

Fun in the sun.

- Have some fun outdoors.

- Life is a picnic.

I'm happy right here.

Okay.

Wow, this looks good.

What? Oh, we're just so nervous that we overdressed the salad.

I can't even watch you taste it.

Oh, please.

Mmm.

Honey, this is so good.

What Mom, I-I hate to have to ask you this, but would you mind if I missed out on our Mother's Day trip?

Oh, no, why? Well, Bill only gets one weekend off a month, and he wants to take me to the Grand Canyon.

- On a motorcycle.

- What?! Phil, chill.

Sweetie, as your mom, I know I should say no, but let's face it, those books aren't keeping you warm at night.

Let's get some bugs in those teeth, huh?

Mom, you are the best.

Thank you so much.

- [CHUCKLES]

- That is so sweet.

Weren't you just wearing jeans?

No, I was not, and, Miss Dunphy, my eyes are up here.

- Oh.

- [GROANS] What is that sound?

- The house is settling.

- My stomach.

Anyways, things are really good at work, Mom.

Haley's trying to cut.

I finally realized how much sacrifice it takes to have a career.

You know, my boss, like, she wants me to go with her on this business trip.

- Mm-hmm.

But it couldn't come at a worse weekend.

Welcome to the struggle, sister.

- The window's gonna close.

- Window? What What window? Great news.

We moved the box in the garage.

- The craziest thing happened

-Talk about crazy things.

You know how the Met Ball is in New York and how I weigh the same as a medium-sized dog?

Haley, the grownups are talking!

Guys, guys, guys, the knots are coming back.

Mom, I'm bailing on our trip! I made Dad play and we flew our drone into your face!

A man named Nigel Pickles may have our bank account numbers!

- I'm gonna go.

- Stop! Sit down!

[SIGHS] Clearly, you all have bad news to tell me.

But do you have to dump it on me when I'm in a good mood?

Oh, my God, you did! That's what the window is!

The one hour a month when I am a human to you people.

Sometimes it's longer.

Let me tell you something.

You debutantes have it easy.

You wouldn't have survived one day in the house where I grew up, where an actual crazy person was running the show.

- Um, Claire

- The guilting, the shaming, the number of times I heard

- "Where did I go wrong with you?"

- Where did I go wrong with you?

- Mom.

- Mom, Nana's here.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Save it.

I know where I'm not wanted.

And no, I'm not trying to guilt you.

I can't waste the energy on that, as I am basically homeless now that my marriage has unraveled.

- Claire

- No! No! We are going to sit here in silence until it is my turn to storm out.

No drinking! For you.

If Mom starts to think the monster sounds familiar, I say we tell her it's Stella barking.

- And hurt Stella's feelings? Think!

- [KNOCK ON DOOR] Dede? What are you doing here?

Our children are horrible.

I'm sorry to barge in.

Oh.

Gloria's holding a soiree.

I should go.

You will do no such thing.

You come with me, young lady.

She was the perfect secret w*apon.

We send her upstairs to freshen up, just before the movie starts, we drop the Dede b*mb.

Gloria's flustered, off her game, she doesn't even pay attention to the film.

You still got it.

And to think I was worried last night when you kept trying to turn on your phone flashlight and ended up taking 30 pictures of your angry face.

There they are, my handsome movie makers.

[LAUGHS] What are you wearing? What are you wearing?

What are you wearing? Whatever I want.

Okay, I just found out that my mother has been secretly controlling every decision we've ever made, so we are taking our lives back.

She thinks this color washes me out.

Well, guess what?

- She was right?

- You match the carpet.

Use more teeth when you talk, because I'm losing your whole face.

Okay, pay them no never mind.

Uh, she also implied 15 years ago that Cam's accent was trashy, so that's also happening.

Yep, and it came right back to me like a cheatin' husband on his rent day.

Grab yourselves a drink.

CLAIRE: [SIGHS] Sorry I'm late.

What the hell? Does no one know what "upscale cocktail Hollywood glamour fabulous" means?

- Hello.

- Gloria.

No, I don't.

I'm sorry.

I had to run off some rage.

Mitchell, you're a lawyer.

Can I divorce my whole family?

- Are you even facing me right now?

- [CAR ALARM CHIRPS]

Tarnation, here comes your kin! Git! Git! Sorry, I'm still working on the balance.

Oh, there's Mom.

Luke, turn your cute on.

GLORIA: [GASPS] There's my Sheriff.

Go.

I want to take a picture with the poster.

I'm sorry, I'm not really in a place Pose.

Ow! Mitchell? Sorry, I didn't see you against the carpet.

Mommy? Nope.

Not cute anymore.

You're 40.

You know, forgiveness creates a biochemical reaction that Don't care.

You're up.

[FAKE SOBS] You're gone, aren't you? Okay, everybody, sit down.

It's time to watch the movie!

Is Mom still at your house? Oh, no, she ran off all mad at me.

I guess I'm not getting a recycled hemp Christmas card this year.

Well, Cam and I have a tiny bone to pick with her, too, for controlling our entire lives.

- [DOOR OPENS] Not that it'll matter.

We all know what she's gonna say.

- "Well, forgive me for caring.

" - Well, forgive me for caring.

- Are you kidding?!

- Look who dropped in.

What a surprise.

Let me get you a chair.

Oh, don't bother.

Sitting's the new smoking.

Mom, we need to talk.

CAMERON: Oh, no, no.

Just get in line, sweetie.

Oh, sh**t.

Well, family first.

Let's reschedule the premiere.

No.

You will talk later.

Nerd, the lights!

[SNARLING] Here comes the first test.

[SNARLING CONTINUES] [FOOTSTEPS CLACKING] [ALL SCREAM]

I can't believe that Dede is standing up.

Worked like a charm.

I don't know what was more genius, bringing Dede in, or hooking the audience early with some teenage sex.

You were right to fight for that.

[MONSTER GROWLS] [ALL SHOUTING]

This is my big scene.

Big whoop.

Everybody, stop! We're better than this.

[BIRDS CAWING] So let's just think about that! I don't know if I was being oversensitive because of my situation with Claire, but that editing stung.

My huge speech, a fight with the townspeople, all gone.

[CRIES] I'll never forget you.

[MONSTER MOANS] -

- [APPLAUSE] Bravo bravo! All right, then.

- Yeah.

- Very nice.

Fine filmmaking, Manuel.

You really got to something visceral.

I feel like I've met that monster.

No, no, no.

It's all fiction.

Now let's go eat.

No, you know what, that scream actually sounded somehow familiar.

- Yeah, it did, didn't it?

- Yeah.

Stella, no! No! Out, out, out! I'll k*ll you! [HIGH HEELS CLACKING] Oh.

What?

[GASPS] You made me into your monster! Not on purpose.

It's just a bunch of awful sounds laid on top of each other.

How is that better?

- Well, at least you were in the film.

- Phil! Well, now that we've reached the Q&A portion of the evening, I do have a question for Mom, if that's okay with her.

Or do you want to tell Cam to tell me what to do and then use reverse psychology on me? Mitchell, if you want to confront me about something, do it now.

No, I'm I'm gonna do it when I want to do it.

Well, anyway, you look lovely in the salmon suit.

Oh, you know what? You know what? Okay, well, how about this? Huh?

- You realize what she just - I do realize now.

Okay, you two are being ridiculous.

And if I may come to Mom's defense for just a moment

- Oh, yeah.

- What?! Yes! Yeah, uh-huh, and not just because I owe her an apology, which I do.

But, I mean, do you like your lives? Are you happy with the way things turned out?

Instead of blaming Mom for helping you make the right choices, how about thanking her?

You know, it's not so easy to be the one who always knows best.

In fact, it can make you a little tense sometimes.

This amazing woman runs a company, she runs a family, and you don't show her any appreciation.

Just like you two.

I put you two together to do this movie and you turn me into your devil creature.

What do you mean you put us together? I left Manny's script out so that you would see it and you would get involved.

I knew that this movie was not going to be good unless I would take his artsy weirdness and balance it with your low-brow, couch-tomato sensibility.

And that's why it was so great.

Gloria, I know what you put up with.

I-I was married to Jay.

You are a saint to stick around.

Especially with that bosom, you could get any guy in town.

- Mm-hmm.

So, unfortunately, this is what families do they turn mothers into monsters.

- Mom, that's not fair.

- That's not what we're doing.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Everybody stop! We're better than this.

What are monsters, but pure, beautiful creatures we project our fears onto?

And are they even scary, or are we just too terrified to look inside and see the ugliness and inadequacies in ourselves?

So let's just think about that.

Thank you, Phil.

- That's a nice start.

- He's right.

- You're not a monster.

- Mom, we're sorry.

JAY: We love you, sweetheart.

If Phil had been half that good when we were rollin', we never would've cut that speech.

He finally just trusted the words.

Everybody stop.

Oh.

I'm stuck.

- Is Is this props or wardrobe?

- MANNY: Cut! Stop! Everybody, I can't stop!

- Everybody Line?

- [BLEEP] Everybody stop! We're better than this!

- MANNY: That's a cut!

- I'm sorry, guys, I'm not hearing it.

Oh actually I'm at work, do you think I could send you a picture of the rash?

- JAY: Damn it Phil, you're in the sh*t!

- Oh, oh!

JAY: Scoot!