03x06 - Rest and Ricklaxation

[bunniefuu]

[BELL RINGS, LOCKERS SLAM]

So, Jessica, I heard you broke up with Brad.

Who are you gonna date now that you can date anyone?

I don't know.

I mean, obviously if someone special comes along...

B-But I mean really special, like, nothing I've even remotely considered in the past.

Holy sh*t, holy sh*t, holy sh*t.

I want that kind of love like that docking kind of love.

Oh, yeah. Like, penis in the foreskin kind of love...

Mm-hmm... . just, like, warm, just like...

[EXHALING] He...

[COUGHS]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

[INHALES] Everybody [BLEEP] off.

Morty, I need your help.

W-W-W-We... We need to go on a quick adventure.

You said I could go to school today.

That was be[BURPS]fore I needed something, Morty.

There's a plasma shard in the Abadango Cluster.

A princess has it. If I get it, I'll be awesome.

We've been going non-stop, Rick. It's not healthy.

You know, these are my teenage years.

I... I just found out Jessica's single.

Oh, that's... Wow, Morty. Wow. What an exciting life you lead.

Let's go. In and out, minutes adventure.

[STEERING WHEEL RATTLES]
They're on our tail!

Steady, Morty. Five cetons.

♪

Steady, God damn it! Two cetons.

[ENGINE SPUTTERS] Wha!

[GASPS, MOANS]

Fire! [SCREAMS]

Pull up, Morty, pull up! Pull up!

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE, TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS]

[BOTTLES CLINK]

[BOTH SIGHING]

[BLEEP] [SOBS]

[SCREAMS]

Oh, [BLEEP]

[BLEEP]

Ahh! Ahh!

I can't [BLEEP] do this anymore!

That was seriously [BLEEP] up. We almost d*ed.

So you agree? [BLEEP] yes!
That w... T-This was insane!

That was pure luck.

I was not in control of that situation at all.

[SOBS, SCREAMS]

Look at this, Morty.
Look at my [BLEEP] hand.

Look at this sh*t. Why do you keep doing this to us?!

I don't know, Morty.

Maybe I hate myself, maybe I think I deserve to die.

I... I... I... I don't ... I don't know!

[WAILS]

We need a vacation.

♪

♪

♪

♪

[RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS]

[DEVICE BEEPS, ALIENS PURRS]

Isn't that something? You were right...best day spa in the galaxy.

It's not even cruel, either.

These things are just doing what they do in the wild...

It loves swallowing stressed-out creatures for minutes and then puking them up.

My whole body's like a baby's ass.

Complimentary psychological detox?

Removes all your cognitive toxins, [GURGLES] purifies your system.

Oof, this guy on commission or something?

I don't think... Are you on commission?

[GURGLING] We're not on commission.

We get paid by the hour.

There's no incentive really...

Oh, my God. Okay, listen...

W-W-W-We'll try the machine, but... but I'd like you to try something.

Try swallowing the giant ball of snot that's dangling around in the back of your throat.

It's disgusting. [GLASS BREAKS]

Nobody wants to hear that.

[CLEARS THROAT]

That's what you do. Okay, Rick, come on. Enough.

Man, did you hear me bite that guy's head off?

Geez, I really need to chill.

[WHIRRING] Maybe you should go through twice.

All right, mister comedy man, you don't have to bust my balls.

You're not helping things.

[ELECTRICAL WHIRRING, CLANKING]

Rick, is this thing supposed to be making this...

[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING]

[GURGLING]

[ECHOING] Morty!

Ri-Rick... [NORMAL VOICE] Morty!

[GROANS] What happened?

We blew up, idiot! Are you really that stupid?

Obviously the guy I yelled at overloaded the machine.

It takes more than that to k*ll Rick and Morty, mother[BLEEP]!

[ROARING]

But this might do it.

Run, Morty! E-Everything hurts!

That's because you're worthless!

[GRUNTS] Jesus, how big was this expl*si*n?

I'm a genius. I don't have time for this [BLEEP].

W-W-We're in Hell, aren't we, Rick?

You're so stupid, Morty.
You're an i[BURPS]diot.

[BURPS] There's no such thing as Hell.

I believe you, but I just want to die.

You can die when I say so. I control you.

I control the universe! Why am I bragging about that?

I have nothing to prove.

I'm surrounded by inferior pieces of [BLEEP] and...

Toxins.

We're not in Hell, Morty.
We're in the detoxifier.

The machine didn't blow up. It worked normally.

It removed our toxins.

We're the toxins. [SCREAMS]

Are you listening, you stupid little garbage person?!

We're what got removed!!

I hope you both found that detox sufficiently relaxing.

Hey, man, listen... Those comments I made about your throat?

[CLEARS THROAT] It's all good.

It's nice of you to let me off the hook.

It's still unacceptable behavior, and I do regret it.

Believe me, man, I've been working here a long time.

I get it.

Hey, uh, you mind if I put on some music?

Not at all.

[SLOW-TEMPO SONG PLAYS]
♪ Grab my terrifolds ♪

What is that? I just hit shuffle.

Are you kidding? [CHUCKLES]

This universe. [BELCHES] Oh, excuse me.

We should listen to one random song a day, you know?

We'd end up hearing more songs we didn't like, but we'd discover a lot more that we did.

That is an interesting concept.

You know, it makes me wonder if there's an algorithmic expression that could achieve the ideal ratio.

[CHUCKLES] Listen to me...

[LAUGHS] trying to calculate happiness over here.

Hoo, if anyone could, Rick.

Hey, here's something no science could measure...

I'm real proud to be your grandpa, Morty.

Thanks, Rick. I love you.

Yeah, mother[BLEEP]!
Yeah! Get it! Get some!

Right up your [BLEEP] bitch ass, you [BLEEP]!

Guess who just discovered a new element?!

You think you could do that, Morty?

You think anyone but me could do that ever in a billion years?

Do you think if God existed he could do it?

The answer is no.

If God exists, it's [BLEEP] me.

Yes, Rick. I... I agree, Rick.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES] While you were flapping your parasitic turd holster, I discovered the toxic equivalent of electricity, Morty.

What do you think about that?

Uh... I th... I think my voice is annoying.

It is, and it's your best quality.

So true.

Now, who can tell me the common denominator of these two factions?

You don't know or y'all just bored?

Hey, listen, you know, wha... if we're all bored over here, wouldn't the common denominator be [CHUCKLES] you?

[LAUGHTER] Damn, Morty. That's hilarious.

Normally I would come down on any kind of disruption, but it seems to represent a positive change for your character.

Class dismissed! [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Awesome, Morty!
- You done good, Morty.

- GIRL: Oh, yeah!
- [BELL RINGS]

Thanks for the advice, Morty. You got it.

I did it, Morty! I knew you could.

Hey, Morty, remember yesterday when I couldn't play the trombone?

Well, check this out!

[PLAYS "WHEN THE SAINTS COME MARCHING IN]

Just like I told you, Mitch...

The music was in your heart the whole time.

Stupid hat... Wish I had the courage to just be myself.

There you are.

[SONG CONTINUES]

[SONG STOPS] You might have all these idiots fooled, but I know you're still the same pathetic loser hiding behind a confident facade.

I know that because...

I'm doing the same thing, brother.

I'm not alone anymore! [SONG RESUMES]

Hey, Morty. Word around school is you've become super healthy.

I don't know about all that.

I do, however, know that I have a pretty bad case of haven't taken you to dinner-itis.

Might be fatal. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, kids. Uh, hope I'm not interrupting.

Morty, a moment of your time?

Happy to help, Rick.

I hate to bug you with this, but after our morning hike I started receiving very faint, highly unusual transmissions on my sub ether phone.

Listen. [CELLPHONE BEEPS]

[DEMONIC WHOOSHING, SCREAMS]

[RECORDING STOPS] It's a bad phone. Chuck it.

I downgraded to a clamshell for emergencies only.

You know, if... if... if something's worth saying, i-it's worth eye contact.

Uh, I... I... I traced the source of the call back to the spa we went to, Morty.

I thought I could hear a voice in there, so I enhanced it, a-and listen. [SCREAMING]

- GUNK RICK: [ECHOING] Hey, assh*le!
- GUNK MORTY: Oh, man!

[NORMAL VOICE] Remember us?
Oh, I don't like confrontation!

You [BLEEP] us, you pieces of garbage!

That's right, you're [BLEEP] garbage, not us.

I'm a [BLEEP] genius and a god.

You really think this thing can hold me?

I'm gonna rip your throat
... [RECORDING STOPS]

Morty, what if the toxic parts of us have their own identities, their own will to live?

W-What if mine shares my intelligence and devised a way to reach out to us?

Sounds like he's in a lot of pain.

[SMACKS LIPS] Lot. O. Pain.

But, you know, you shouldn't have to deal with that, man.

You know, l-let's work off your trauma with some urban spin yoga.

It's amazing. You do yoga on a bike, but you have an at-risk preteen...

I don't think I can just blow this off, Morty.

If I had known it worked this way, I wouldn't have detoxed.

Well, I would have because I was toxic.

Now I'm detoxed and I'm accountable to my toxins, right?

I... It's a dilemma. I think I know what to do.

Morty! Rick! [LAUGHS]

You know, the only problem here is a big fat brain that misses eating all them big fat problems.

Focus on the good thing.
Trust me, things are good.

Taking that away from me... [CHUCKLES]

... that wouldn't be healthy.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, man. World's Greatest Grandpa, for reals.

It's not just a coffee cup for you, bud.

You're legit.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

I love drums. I never took drum lessons.

Why? Limitations. We are addicted to our own limitations.

How amazing is that?

Is the kale prepared in the kitchen?

I'll have a water. Uh...

How is the... "cru-dite?"

Crudité. It's a cup of carrot sticks.

Ha! It's okay! Pronounce it however you want.

Words are just things.
Please. Thank you.

We're having a conversation.

God, I am so excited to finally have dinner with you.

[UTENSILS CLINK] You know how long I've been waiting for this?

It's like, whew!

I... I... I wish you'd shut up, though.

Just kidding. You know, you're so quiet. What's wrong?

W-Why don't you tell me about yourself?

What's the atmosphere like on planet Jessica?

Where's the equator, what are the vacations, a-and the holidays?

I mean, you know, [LAUGHS] are they the same time?

Talk to me. Well... I... like this restaurant.

Holy [BLEEP]! Holy [BLEEP]!
We have a moron over here!

I'm an idiot.

I can't believe I haven't thought of this.

You have to do this detox thing I did.

It's an alien spa, you go through it, fwoos-s-s-ssh, lasers, bwaa-bwaa-bwaa...

[IMITATES LASERS] ... sucks everything out.

Everything that was holding me back, everything bad, I mean, it just...
[MAKES SUCTION NOISES]

[LAUGHS] Right?

Cooooool.

Oh, my God! I can't believe this.

Yeah, phones are awful, I downgraded to...

I totally forgot my...

I have a... thing, and...

Things are good. You know what? Why am I doing that?

That's more rude than the truth.

Look, I'm sorry, Morty.
I just don't think...

Do not. Even. You have no need to explain.

It's all good. I think you'd get bored with me.

E-Exactly. Look, the sparks aren't flying.

This is what dating is for, you know?

[LAUGHS] First date, no sparks.

No damage, no worries. Life is a highway.

We're gonna ride it all night lonnngg!

Gonna eat some "crudite." Mmm!

Is this organic? Mmm. All right.

You know, the evening continues.

Okay, here we go.

Ma'am, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.

Your money's no good here. [LAUGHS]

I'll... I'll get the next round, sir.

Aren't you a child? Only in the ways that matter.

Morty. [SIGHS] Stacy.

I've been watching you drink, Stacy.

I get the feeling you've got a hard job.

I wonder what it takes to please you.

That's the job I want ... part time, full time,

I want to be good at it, bad at it,

I want to get promoted, fired, corner office, hostile takeover, workplace accident... I'm on my knees, Stacy... praying, worshipping, begging, whatever you want.

[SNIFFS] What do you think about that?

Okay. [BLEEP] it.

[GLASSES TINK] Tink.

[TIRES SCREECH] STACY: [GIGGLING] Mm!

Let's ask my grandpa. He's a scientist.

Hey, Rick, are you familiar with "Ben Wa" technology?

Morty, great news.

I went back to the spa and they let me purchase the containment unit from their detoxifier.

Why? Because we're coming home, bitch!

What is this? This is the parts of your p*ssy grandpa that keep it real.

Oh... oh, and I think you dropped something, too!

I don't want to be on camera.

I'm ugly and gross, please.

Should I go? You're your own person, Stacy.

Then I'd like to stay.

Rick, please tell me you're not trying to put that stuff back inside of us.

Morty, I'm sorry. That stuff is alive and it belongs with us.

We yanked them from their homes and locked them in a can.

[CLANKS] Mother[BLEEP]!

See? They're living in pain.

That's what they do, Rick, they live in pain.

They are pain, you know?

They... they're all the bad
parts of us, which, by the way,

includes our dishonesty, so how do you know this isn't all some sort of crazy trick?

Oh, so now because I'm made entirely of toxins I'm also a liar?

[BLEEP] you, you little sociopath.

You hear this, Morty? Oh, everybody hates me. I can tell.

Y-You all hate me... All right, shut up, Morty.

Healthy Rick, are we doing this or what?

Yep. Sorry, Morty. I need you to step into the booth.

Don't negotiate with that little turd, dummy.

You're the Rick. You need to show dominance.

Morty, booth, now. Booth!

Come on, Morty. Don't touch me!

Morty, do the healthy thing and voluntarily retoxify yourself.

Nooooo!

Is it wrong if I think this is kind of hot?

Let me out of here!
Stacy, help! Open the door!

I need to hear our safe word, Morty.

Sea Cucumber! Sea Cucumber!

What are you doing? I'll do anything for you, Morty.

No! [BOOTH HISSES, WHIRS]

It worked! [LAUGHS] Yes! That idiot believed every word.

Now let's see how he enjoys living in that sh*t t*nk.

He's right behind me, isn't he?

He's in front of you.
Oh. My eyes are still adjusting.

Uh, is this like a sex dungeon?

I guess I should've been paying attention.

After years of being bottled up inside a [BURPS] sentimental jackass, I finally get to live my own life.

You said we were merging. I lied, dumbass! I lie about everything!

Why would I ever re-mergewith a p*ssy like you?

So... you were just gonna trap us in that t*nk?

T-That was your plan? Not was, mother[BLEEP]... still is.

-[GROANS]
-k*ll him, Rick!

I don't like this! This is scary!

All right, you asked for it.

Did I ask for this? [GROANS]

Did I ask for this? Huh? Did I?

[WHIRS] Assessing thr*at to groin.

Groin System . k*ll him!

[WHIRS, BEEPS]

That... is my groin's user.

Believe me, I got a lot more use out of that thing than he ever did.

You know what?
Not my table.

[GRUNTING]

You do know me. [GASPS]

What the hell, Grandpa Rick?

[BLEEP] you, Summer! Sorry, Summer!

[BEEPS]

Okay, okay, take it easy. Don't do it.

[RAPID BEEPING, CREATURE WHIMPERS]

I love you. Good boy.

Daddy's little boy.

Summer, get out of here! Go!

Oh, who's that?

Who[BURPS]'s that over there?

Oh, no. You see the bad man in front of you?

You're a good little boy, you're gonna get him.

[CREATURE ROARS] You're gonna get him.

Ahh! [SCREAMS]

Son of a...

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS, MOANS]

[SCREAMS] Ahh!

[ROARS]

Nice try, assh*le.

We can resolve [PANTING] our issues.

We don't need to resort to over-the-top...

[GROANS]

Aah!

I... I did it, Rick. I got the t*nk!

I... I'm a piece of [BLEEP], but I got the t*nk!

You're going in that t*nk, mother[BLEEP].

You're gonna [BURPS] live in that toxic [BLEEP] wasteland like I had to do!

Ahh! Ow!

[SCREAMING]

GUNK RICK: That's right, mother... You're going in that [BLEEP]...

[SILENCE]

Dads?

Okay, just... just leave her out of it.

What's going on?

All right, [BLEEP] this. Time for plan B...

If I can't trap you in a toxic world,

I'll just make the whole world toxic.

It's okay, girls.

I... I'm so sorry I put us in danger with some of my behavior.

I... If you'd like I can go out in the g-garden, pick some fresh basil, and make us a nice Scallopini.

What did the booger version of you mean when he said he was going to make the whole world toxic?

Believe me, sweetie, that man's motivations are a mystery.

Screw that, Rick. We got to stop him.

What's the last thing you'd think about doing with that t*nk thing?

Morty, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but it's not our place, you know, to pick and choose which world gets saved from what apocalypse.

Our... our toxins have as much a right to their worldview as...

Morty, how is it healthy to slap me?

Obviously my version of health

is a hell of a lot different from yours,

you useless old turd.

Wait. That's it.

How could that detox machine know the difference between healthy and sick for everything that goes through it?

It can't.

It must be by the individual's own definition of toxicity.

That means...

Dad! What the... What the hell, Rick?

I'll explain on the way.

GUNK RICK: This "Moon Tower," Morty, i[BURPS]s the perfect height and metallic composition for the a[BURPS]mplification and beaming of toxic energies.

What do you think about that, Morty?

Are you excited about that, Morty?

Oh, man. I'm just freaked out.
I... It's too high up here.

Once I flip this switch, the entire world is gonna be just as toxic as us, baby.

[ELECTRICAL CRACKLING]

♪

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS] As we praise our loving Father...

God is a lie! We made him up for money!

[BELLS CHIMING]

[LAUGHTER, SQUEAKING]

Santa Claus isn't real.

You were all mistakes! [GROANS]

[LAUGHS] We [BLEEP] did it, Morty.

Put your [BLEEP] hands in the air.

Yeah, you little piece of [BLEEP].

Remember me?

Didn't you learn last time that you can't b*at me?

Yeah, I did. And then I learned something else.

This. Ahh!! [SCREAMS, MOANS]

That b*llet is laced with an encrypted nanobotic virus that will disintegrate your Morty in about, ah, minutes.

You think I give a [BLEEP]?

I know you give a [BLEEP], dummy.

Because I know I don't.

Here's another thing I know... the decryption key that neutralizes the virus.

You want it? Come and get it.

Merge with me and you'll know how to save him.

Pfft. Come on, man. I've been trapped in your p*ssy brain for years of delusions, but this is the all-time weakest bluff that I've ever...

Ow-Ohh!! Jesus Christ!
What are you doing?!

He's cutting your time in half. minutes. Ohh! It hurts!

What is your problem?

Oh, I had all my problems removed... my entitlement, my narcissism, my crippling loneliness, my irrational attachments.

They must be somewhere.
They ain't over here, bro.

I'm not going back in there!

Honestly, I don't care either way.

I hate having you in me.

And when I say "honestly" you can believe it, because we both know I'm too healthy to lie.

Watch. [SCREAMS]

All right! Knock it off!
You're not impressing anyone.

Morty, not that I give a [BLEEP], but are you okay?

Jesus Christ, it hurts.
Relax, quit your bitching.

Y-You're gonna be fine. Grandpa's here.

[LAUGHS] You think that's funny?

Y-You got to have a sense of humor about these things.

Oh, wait, you can't.

You're literally incapable of seeing the bigger picture.

I guess it's just funny because you've never done anything but complain about me being in charge, but if I ever gave you the wheel we'd be dead in five minutes.

-Rick?
-You poor, dumb, sick animal.

[WEAKLY] Rick?

Ahh! Just do it!

Just do it, you piece of...

[GROANS]

I'm back, baby! Regular Rick! Master of both worlds!

Check it it out! [FARTS]

"Excuse me."

Now we'll just reverse this hacky toxicity beam.

Man, I really over think sh*t when I'm angry.

[ELECTRICAL CRACKLES, POWERS DOWN]

[MOANING] Oh, give it to me.

Mm, ma-mah.

God is not a lie.

[WHOOSH!]

[BELLS CHIME]

[ANIMALISTIC SCREECHING]

[WAILING]

Mommy! Mommy!

Ha! All right, Morty, now it's time we re-merge your little ass.

You're a better man than me, Rick.

I'm healthy enough to admit that!

That kid is a real piece of [BLEEP].

Y-Y-You're gonna save me, right?

Part of me wanted to, Toxic Morty.

Part of me really wanted to.

[CAR HORN BEEPS]

I'm telling you, these shares are hot. Yeah.

That sounds like a good idea.
It's definitely a good idea.

Duane, Duane, Duane, I get it, now can you get me?

Have I ever lied to you?

That's right, and ask around, I never do, Duane.

Let me put this real simple.

This stock is a beautiful redhead, recently single, not looking to date but ready to fall in love, and fate has put her locker two down from yours, Duane... two lockers down.

So step up or step off, Duane.

Blue pill or red pill, what'll be, bro?

Totally understand, Duane.

You're the boss. [PHONE BEEPS]

Heinholz Biotech... million and a half at thirty-three.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Heh.

You little [BLEEP] monster.

[CHOPPING]

[CRUNCH]

Mmm! Is this organic?

Mmm!

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES] Go for Morty.

JESSICA: Hi, Morty. It's Jessica.

Look, can we just talk for a minute?

Is that how long it takes for Rick to trace my location?

Come back, Morty. I miss you.

You miss the old me.

You miss someone that loved you so much you never had to love 'em back.

How do you know I don't want to love you?

Because I'm not sick. Ex-girlfriend?

Should I be jealous? There's nothing to be jealous of.

I just realized that I'm scheduled to speak at that fundraiser on our date night.

I can cancel. We'll be together. That's a date.

You are the perfect man.

Oh, sweetie, I think you hit the wrong button.

You didn't hang up.

Huh. How 'bout that?

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]

Sorry, tiny American Psycho, time to take the op[BURPS]posite of your medicine.

Do what you got to do. [SCREAMS]

Oh! Ow! Ahh!

So, how do you feel, Morty?

Ah, geez. I'm miserable.
Am I good or what?

I guess it's worth it, though, to know how much you care.

Care? Me? Morty, I'm fine with you.

I only did this for him. You lying bitch.

She kept coming to our house, Morty, and kept asking me "Did... did... d-did you get a new Morty yet?"

Because you kept drunk dialing me and crying about it.

I wasn't crying!

[RICK AND JESSICA BICKER] Jacquelyn, I...

I... I... I wasn't who I said I was.

You weren't a -year-old boy from the Midwest who ran away from his family and capitalized on his lack of conscience by becoming a stock broker?

Oh. I guess I was pretty up front about that, wasn't I?

You were up front about everything.

You were my soul mate.

Well... N... Not anymore. I'll, um...

Y-You can keep the apartment, and... and... and, uh... the drones.

She can't keep the drones.

They turn into a little Voltron robot.

They're awesome.

[ELECTRICAL WHIRRING]

You can't keep the drones.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

So, how was your date with Brad?

It wasn't a date. We were just having lunch.

You guys are getting back together, aren't you?

Morty, I need your help on an adventure.

Eh, "need" is a strong word.

We need door stops, but a brick would work, too.

Okay.

Morty.

Good to have you back.

Have you ever been peed on before?

Oh, my God. Yum.

♪ Hey, did you ever want to hold a terrifold? ♪

♪ I got one right here ♪

♪ Grab my terri-flap ♪

♪ Squeeze it ♪

♪ Grab it, squeeze it ♪

♪ Tug on my terri-flap ♪

♪ Hey, I want to take you to ♪

♪ The terrifold dance ♪

♪ Wanna come with me? You can grab my holdie-folds ♪

♪ Squeeze 'em tight ♪

♪ You son of a bitch ♪

♪ Suck my holdie-flappy folds ♪

♪ Lick my flappy foldie-holes ♪

♪ My terri-flaps in your mouth ♪

♪ Suck my flaps, you piece of sh*t ♪

♪ [ECHOES] Whoo ♪

MAN: Although only a handful of moon towers remain today, they were popular in the late th century.

An entire town could be illuminated by...

What the hell is this?

[BEEPS, HISSES]

Sea Cucumber! [TOUR GUIDE SCREAMS]

Sea Cucumber!!

Did you get any of that?