03x04 - Jeremy Bearimy

[bunniefuu]

What the hell is that?

Oh! Hey, guys!

What are you doing down here?

Well, we came to get more champagne, which is right behind that magic door.

[door slams]

What door?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on?

Who are you, and why were you talking about us?

What's the Good Place?
And what are afterlife points?

And who has the most? And is it me?

Wait a second, I know this guy.

You're Zach Pizzazz.

He got me here from Jacksonville.

No, this is the librarian from the university.

Well, I know him as Gordon Indigo, a very rude Silicon Valley investor.

All right, guys.
I can explain everything.

Just give me one second, okay?

How do we get out of this?

Well, they heard us explaining the entire system of the afterlife, and they saw an inter-dimensional door open and close, so... not a ton of wiggle room here.

But you're forgetting one, crucial piece of information...

Right?

You're forgetting one crucial piece of information that'll save us.

Yo! Buddy, you have, like, three seconds to explain this crazy space door, or Chidi here is gonna b*at you up.

Oh, no, I'm... I'm not.

But I would like to know about the space door.

All right, I don't know what choice we have.

I'll tell you the truth.

My name is Special Agent Rick Justice, and this is Lisa Frenchy-Fuqua.

We're with the FBI.

And all of you are in grave danger.

[suspenseful music]

I knew it.

♪

Agent Fuqua and I are paranormal investigators.

We're here to protect you from demons.

No, wait, that's real.
Uh, ghouls, ghouls...

We're here to protect you from ghouls.

Now, I had to appear in different disguises to keep tabs on you.

But you are all involved together in this FBI case.

- [snorts]
- No, we... we can prove this.

We have detailed files on all of you.

Ask Janet anything.

Who's Janet?

Frenchy. Sorry...

Frenchy's nickname is Janet.

I thought her nickname was Frenchy.

It is.

That's why they call her,

- Lisa "Double Nickname" Fuqua.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay. Guys, I used to work at a place that was raided by the FBI pretty frequently.

I know a Fed when I see one.

And these two jamokes are not FBI, okay?

Who are you... really?

All right, all right, fine.
Just give me one more second.

One.

- Serious question...
- Yeah.

- Should we k*ll them?
- What?

It might work!

We k*ll them, go back through the door, somehow grab them before they get to the Bad Place, and regroup from there.

I could k*ll them right now.

You know, it would be easy.

Their bodies are very poorly made.

They're mostly goo and juice.

You just take the juice out, and then they're dead.

Michael, they've seen through the door into the afterlife, and they heard how it works.

[sighs] It's over.

[solemn music]

Ah.

♪

Fine.

I guess I'll start at the beginning.

You all d*ed.

♪

Well, this sucks.

So, to sum up...

there is a heaven and hell.

We've been to hell, and now, no matter how good we are, for the rest of our lives, we're going back to hell?

Again, it's not the classic Christian hell, but...that's the gist, yes.

As soon as you learned about the afterlife, your motivation to be good was corrupted.

So you can't earn points anymore.

So sorry for eternally dooming you.

And that's our bad, guys.

So all the attempts you made to t*rture us... we must have been in the afterlife for years.

Almost , actually.

Well, how is it possible that all these things happened to us but no time passed on Earth?

Did you go back in time to save us?

Uh, I didn't have to... because of Jeremy Bearimy.

Who's Jeremy Bearimy?

Okay.

Things in the afterlife don't happen while things are happening here, because while time on Earth moves in a straight line... one thing happens, then the next, then the next... time in the afterlife moves in a "Jeremy Bearimy."

What?

In the afterlife, time doubles back and loops around and ends up looking something like...

"Jeremy Bearimy."

This is the timeline in the afterlife.

Happens to kind of look like the name "Jeremy Bearimy" in cursive English, so that's what we call it.

Sorry. I'm... my brain is melting.

How can events happen before the ones that happened... before?

It's just the way it works.

It's... it's Jeremy Bearimy.

I don't know what to tell you.

That's the easiest way to describe it.

Okay, but, um...

what the hell is this?

The dot over the I...
what the hell is that?

Okay, um, how do I explain this concisely?

This is Tuesdays... and also July.

- And sometimes it's never.
- That's true.

Occasionally that moment on the Bearimy timeline is the time-moment when nothing never occurs.

So... you get it.

This broke me!

The dot, over the I, that broke me. I'm...

I'm done.

You know what? I'm glad this whole thing happened, because now I can go back to living my life the way I used to... only caring about myself because being good is pointless.

No, no. Please, Eleanor...

No, thank you. I'm outtie.

See you in hell.

[gasps] You know what I just realized?

I always say that when leaving a room, but right now it's accurate.

I will literally see all of you in hell.

- Not if I see you first.
- Let's go, Jason.

No, no... look, look, you guys, this is not over.

We have to stay together!

Look, we'll figure something out!

Like, just one idea I had...

I could k*ll all of you.

That's my birthday.

Hey, buddy. [clears throat]

It's my birthday.
One free margarita, please.

Happy birthday!

Can I just see some I.D.?

- No.
- Why not?

Well, because it's not really my birthday.

I just want a free margarita.

Well, if I just randomly gave you a free drink, I'd have to do it for everyone.

Pretty soon I'd go out of business.

[laughs] Then don't do it for everyone.

Just do it for me because it's my birthday.

Happy birthday.

[indistinct chatter]

Jason, I have an idea.

But it's a little risky.

I need you to act as my bodyguard... like my friend, Kevin Costner, in that movie where he was a bodyguard...

"The Bodyguard."

No problem... my cousin once hired me to do crowd control for his off-brand SeaWorld.

Well, technically, it was just a bunch of kiddie pools full of jellyfish, and instead of a k*ller whale, they k*lled a whale.

Excuse me, miss.

we'd like to buy one opera, please.

Uh, what he means is I would like to give $ million to the Sydney Opera.

Ms. Al-Jamil, this is so generous.

With a donation of that size, we will dedicate a rehearsal hall in your honor.

Thank you, but, no.

Lovely as it sounds to add to my collection of wings and atria, the gift will be anonymous.

As you wish. I'll draw up the papers.

Why don't you want your name on the opera house?

I love getting my name on stuff.

In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named after me 'cause I kissed a bat on a dare.

Well, I was thinking about why I was sent to hell, as one is wont to do when one has recently been told that one had been sent to hell, and it occurred to me, I have always been held c*ptive by my desire for attention.

Now that I know how it all ends, I just want to be virtuous for virtue's sake.

That's beautiful.

I got to say, though, if you want to do more charity, I know a way that could be a lot of fun.

[chuckles]

[gentle music]

Hey, you want to talk to God?

"God is dead.

"God remains dead, and we have k*lled him.

"Who will wipe this blood off us?

"What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent?"

Friedrich Nietzsche, .

I was just trying to sell you some dr*gs, and you made it weird!

[sprinklers hissing]

I've never written a manifesto before.

What are you gonna say?

It will be a complete account of everything we've learned. from the beginning of my neighborhood to right now and then a recommendation of how we feel the afterlife
could be improved. When we turn ourselves in, we'll give it to the judge.

Hopefully she'll read it.

We failed, Janet.

But maybe one day, someone else will succeed.

Okay. So...

A...

man... i... fes... to.

by...

mi...

Where's the H?

This keyboard doesn't have an H.

- Well...
- Oh, whoa, whoa, wait.

Wait, I see it, I see it!

- [seethes]
- [laughing]

Look what I did!

- Yeah.
- I wrote, "Micahel"!

[laughing] Oh, that's...

Okay. Back, back, back, back, back.

Maybe you should dictate, and I should type.

[keys clacking rapidly]

Good call.

Just laying out some early details.

Go ahead and start dictating.

Look, there have to be rules.
Every place has rules.

Ugh, fine. Here are my rules.

Rule number one...
I get to do whatever I want, and you all just have to deal with it.

Rule two... no more Spider-Man movies.

There's way too many Spider-Man movies!

Too many dorky little twerpy Spider-Men.

[slurps] Rule three... everyone leave me alone.

So you just take care of yourself.

You don't owe anything to anyone else?

[scoffs] If people lived that way, society would break down.

Yeah, in America, everyone does whatever they want.

Society did break down.

It's terrible, and it's great.

You only look out for number one, scream at whoever disagrees with you.

There are no bees because they all d*ed, and if you need surgery,

you just beg for money on the Internet.

It's a perfect system.

Now get me another drink.
Tomorrow's my birthday.

Well, well, well... a wallet.

[inhales deeply] My rules say I get to take the cash out and keep it, because in my society, I do whatever I want, 'cause I'm awesome.

Just take it. Take it, Eleanor.

Just...

Ugh!

All right, this is the address on the license.

That'll be bucks.

Keep the meter running... as soon as I'm done here, I'm gonna head to the airport and get the hell out of this trash country, where everyone is either a criminal or a spider.

Hello, ma'am.
Is there a Fred Booth here?

I found his wallet, and now I'm doing a nice thing and returning it because I suck.

Sorry, he moved.

I can give you his new address if you'd like.

Actually, I have some of his mail.

If you're gonna go see him, could you bring it along?

Of course. I would love to bring some rando his mail.

Anything else you want me to schlep over?

Well, this awesome day gets awesomer.

Before the airport, we're heading to Palmer Street.

Ha! That's right next to the bar where I picked you up!

I feel like a bloody boomerang!

- [laughing]
- Of course you do!

[laughs mockingly]

[pensive music]

♪ ♪

- Uh...
- Hello.

Sir, you, uh, can't shop here without a shirt.

Oh...

♪ ♪

Sir, that'll be $ .

Here's my credit card.

Why don't you just charge it and keep it forever?

And also, here's the keys to my car.

Wait. Do you guys have, like, a "take-a-car, leave-a-car" tray?

No?

Just take it. Just take it.

Excuse me, sir.

Would you like some free money?

Now you can buy fingers for your gloves!

Hello, madam. Are you poor?

Here's $ , for a new stroller.

Have a nice day!

You don't have to say the "are you poor?" part.

Right.

- Hello, here's some money.
- Here you go!

- Hello.
- Here you go.

Now you can buy a bigger chin guitar!

This was a truly great plan.

Oh, thanks.

Man, there's so many times that just this amount of money would have changed my life.

I could have paid my rent.

I could have gone to a real doctor, instead of pretending I was a big dog so I could go to the vet.

You know, that gives me an idea... which I suppose one could argue means that anything could have given me an idea.

Come with me!

I'm sorry, Ms. Al-Jamil, but I just don't feel comfortable processing this request.

- Why not?
- Well, it just seems a bit... odd to transfer the totality of your account... million British pounds to the account of... this person... a man who is so flagrantly ignoring the "one lollipop per customer" rule.

No, I walked out and back in each time, so I'm different customers.

We're technically supposed to shut down the bank if anyone from Florida even walks in.

Look, all my life, this money has been a weight around my neck... like the Heart of the Ocean necklace my friend James Cameron once gave me.

I don't want the money.
My friend Jason does.

I would like to give it to him.

If it's easier, you can just put it on a Game Stop gift card.

That does not make it easier.

I can't help you. I'm sorry.

G'day

Fred, my name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

I have all your crap.

- Thank you.
- And your wallet.

Oh, my goodness! Thank you so much!

It was nothing.

Dude, I didn't take your money.

I would never even think of doing that.

No, no, no. I'm not worried about that.

Ah. Here it is.

I started a new job a few months ago, and I got really nervous.

So my daughter, Carolyn, drew this for me to make me feel better.

Ah, it's my good-luck charm.

Every time I'm stressed at work now,I just have to look at this, and I feel... safe.

A lot of people wouldn't have tried so hard to get this to me.

You are a good person, Eleanor.

I really hope my daughter turns out like you when she grows up. [chuckles]

- Are you all right?
- [sniffles]

No, you shut up!

[cries] Sorry, it's been a weird day.

♪ You put the Peeps in the chili pot ♪

♪ And eat them both up ♪

♪ You put the Peeps in the chili pot ♪

♪ And add the M&Ms ♪

♪ You put the Peeps in the chili pot ♪

♪ And it makes it taste bad ♪

[clears throat] I'm gonna eat all this chili... and/or die trying.

Anyone want any?

I'm just gonna put it right down here.

Come on.

Dip your paws in my chili.

Scoop your little mittens right in the stew.

Professor, I can see that you're going through something, but exams are next week, so can you teach us anything?

All right, nerd.

You want to learn something?
I'll teach you something.

I'm gonna teach you the meaning of life.

How do you like them apples?

Now, over the last , years, Western philosophers have formed three main theories on how to live an ethical life.

Now, first off, there's virtue ethics.

Aristotle believed that there were certain virtues of mind and character, like courage or generosity, and you should try to develop yourselfin accordance with those virtues.

The gift will be anonymous.

Next, there's consequentialism.

The basis for judgment about whether something is right or wrong stems from the consequences of that action.

How much utility, or good, did it accomplishversus how much pain, or bad.

And finally, there's deontology, the school of thought that there are strict rules and duties that everyone must adhere toin a functioning society.

Being ethical is simply identifyingand obeying those dutiesand following those rules.

But here's the thing, my little chili babies, all three of those theories are hot, stinky cat dookie.

The true meaning of life, the actual ethical system that you should all follow is nihilism.

The world is empty.

There is no point to anything, and you're just gonna die.

So do whatever.

And now I'm gonna eat my marshmallow-candy chili in silence, and you all can jump up your own butts.

Is that gonna be on the test?

Yes. And, no.

And you all get As or Fs.

And there is no test.

And you all failed it, and you all got As.

Who cares? Good-bye.

- [students murmuring]
- Good-byyyyye.

Cool lecture.

And cooler shirt.

Feeling all right?

- I feel fine.
- Hmm.

I do have a stomachache.

Why do I always have a stomachache?

Well, you just ate pounds of chili, bro.

This one's on you.

Look, I know the future seems bleak.

But I have a plan.

Come with me.

No, ah, ah, leave that chili, weirdo.

A complete account of every single thing we've done and learned.

I added all the data we've gathered here on Earth in chart and in graph form.
- Hmm.

And I added a pretty tasty little recipe for cinnamon rolls made out of pizza dough.

- [chuckles]
- Ha!

Maybe someone someday can learn from our mistakes.

And enact real change in the process of judging people.

But for now, Janet, old friend, we are going to enjoy our time on Earth before we're retired.

- Hmm.
- So let's get started.

I know it's touristy, but I'd really like to visit a LensCrafters.

Ooh, and I'd like to get bangs.

[gasps] Hey, guys.

It... it's really nice to see you.

Um... is everything okay...

other than, you know, everything?

We've started to accept our fates.

It's all chili under the bridge.

Oh! Good, you're all here!

Big news everyone...

BOTH: We got...

- Tacos!
- Married!

Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, we got married.

And then after we got married, we got tacos!

Wow! Wow, that's crazy! [whimpering]

It's strictly platonic, of course.

We only did it so I could legally give Jason half my money.

We just popped over to the British Embassy and signed the papers.

That's insane, but it's also, like... the th most insane thing to happen today,

so... who cares?

I need everyone to focus up.

So the four of us...

the six of us, really, are doomed.

Our fates are sealed.

But I think we have one move left.

We can try.

Try... what?

Try to do good.

That stupid, little voice in my head told me to do something good today, and it was so annoying, but it also made a dork and his very untalented daughter super happy.

Me trying just a little bit put some good out into the world.

The six of us are not getting into the Good Place.

But there are still people in this world that we care about, so I say we try and help them be good people.

Try and help them get in.
I mean, why not try?

It's better than not trying, right?

That's a lovely sentiment, Eleanor.

Let's try. I'm in.

I'm in, too.

I'm gonna remember this day forever because of your dope speech and also because of the great tacos I had and also because I got married and I found out I was going to hell and also I became a hundred-millionaire...

All right, we get it. We get it.

It goes without saying that we're in.

Let's say it anyway.

- We're in...
- We're...

All right, you go...

- We're in...
- We're in...

[laughing] We're just so excited!

We're in!

What do you say, bud?

You want to join the Soul Squad?

Try to save some souls?

- Yeah. I'm in.
- [scoffs]

But first, I have to go to the bathroom forever.

There you are, my love.

I was just on my way to the MRI lab.

I thought I heard your voice.

Ready to go to the airport?

Start our lives together?

Go ahead, Tahani, we're rolling.