03x07 - The Worst Possible Use of Free Will

[bunniefuu]

This library's depressing.

All they have in the Poetry section is Jeff Foxworthy books.

Well, we needed someplace deserted, and there's no place more deserted than a public library in Arizona.

Now let's go, man.

We only have a few hours before we have to pick the g*ng up from the airport.

Fire up Janet's memory gizmo.

Flooding your brain with memories from the afterlife is dangerous.

In one of the reboots, you and Chidi were in love.

Can't you just take my word for that?

No, dude, I can't.

My screwed-up relationship with my parents made me believe I could never really love anyone.

I need to see it for myself.

Those are my memories. I want them back.

Okay, fine. Have a seat.

Luckily, before we shut the neighborhood down, Janet saved a complete record of all the reboots.

Put those in your ears.

[LIGHT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- What's all that for?
- You'll see.

We're gonna start with a simple, three-second memory.

- Why only three second...
- [DEVICE BEEPS]

Oh, hi, Eleanor.

Buongiorno, Eleanor.

Morning, Bambadjan. Morning, Vicky.

Ugh. Those two are such forking dweebs.

[DEVICE BEEPS]

As I told you, recalling afterlife memories here on Earth has some significant side effects.

You should be back to normal in about minutes.

[COUGHS WEAKLY]

[TEETH CLATTER]

[PLEASANT MUSIC]

Ah, looking a little better.

The banana must have helped.

Before we go any further, I have one very important question.

Did I look hot bald?

'Cause I always kind of felt like I could pull it off.

I have no real ability to gauge physical attractiveness in humans.

But no, you did not pull it off.

Okay, that short clip should have rewired your brain, like an inoculation.

So now I can show you the highlights of reboot .

I'm skipping all of the sleeping and chewing.

You guys are always either sleeping or chewing something.

[DEVICE BEEPS]

So, we are moving onto the subject of free will versus determinism.

We are officially done with Nietzsche.

Aww. I'm gonna miss Nietzsche.

I spent a lot of my life thinking

I was better than everyone else, and he showed me why I was right.

Give me that reading list.
What do we got?

Ooh, a little Aristotle, little Descartes, little Tommy Quine-Quine.

That's what I call Saint Thomas Aquinas.

Three months of philosophy class, and you're already...

[SNEEZES]

♪ ♪

What are you grinning at, weirdo?

[LAUGHS]

Come on, we're gonna be late for the neighborhood meeting.

I gotta say, it seems like I was really nailing that philosophy class.
- [DEVICE BEEPS]

Can you believe my high school voted me "Most Likely to Die Young and Unaccomplished?"

You did die young and unaccomplished.

Fair enough.

- Put those back in.
- [DEVICE BEEPS]

Ah! My favorite four residents.

Don't tell the others. [LAUGHS]

Welcome to "Pick a Pet Day."

We have hundreds of beautiful animals for you to choose from.

And when you do make your choice, your pet will bond to your soul forever.

Fabulous. I haven't had a pet since Barbra Streisand gave me one of her cloned Siamese cats, and it k*lled itself.

- Ah.
- I'm going to look at the mythical pets, darling.

Catch up when you're ready.

- May I? Yeah?
- Yes.

Dude, we can get mythical animals?

Maybe I'll get a penguin.

Penguins are real.

That's the spirit, Eleanor.

They're real to me too.

- [CHICKEN CROWING]
- [DOG BARKING]

Ooh!

This one looks just like the one I had when I was a little kid.

He's so cute!

But is... is this one a little... a little cuter?

I mean, this pup looks friskier.

But this one looks a little... a little sweeter.

- Maybe...
- Uh-oh.

It's Chidi kryptonite, a choice between any two things.

Settle in, lizard. This is gonna be a while.

Michael, what's a "Mirror Centaur?"

Ah, a stunning creature, whose human half takes on the image of its companion.

- [CHIME]
- [SHIMMERING TONES]

Greetings.

I am T'Hania, Goddess of Beauty.

Oh my.

I mean, should I take the cutest puppy, or is that shallow?

And is it even okay to separate them?

Are they brother and sister?

Or... or perhaps, married?

Dude, they're heaven puppies.

I'm sure they're both incredible.

Just choose one.

You're right. The black one.

That was my first impulse, and that is the one I'll take.

I'm so sorry, Chidi. Both puppies have been taken.

Yeah, I should have seen that coming.

My indecision has once again cost me happiness, and I will now suffer the consequences.

How many pets have gone unclaimed?

Three. A -foot albino python...

- Mm-mm.
- Something called a "tarantula-squid," and this owl.

The Tarantula-squid. Tarantula-squid.

Tarantula-squid. Tarantula-squid.

I'll take the owl.

- [DOOR SHUTS]
- Check it out.

Janet made him a little cowboy hat.

Isn't that stupid? [GIGGLES]

- Chidi? Hello?
- Shh.

Spencer doesn't like loud voices.

Yeesh. What happened, man?

Well, I was trying to teach him to play fetch, like I did with my puppy as a kid, but instead of retrieving the stick, he att*cked my face with his razor-sharp talons.

Why don't you just ask Michael for a dog?

Because it was my mistake to not pick a puppy fast enough.

I made my bed, and now I'll bleed in it.

Let me do that, dummy. Come here.

What if I talk to Michael for you?

That way you don't have to worry about feeling ungrateful, or whatever, and maybe you'll still get a puppy.

- Instead of...
- Ow.

Deep wounds.

- You'd do that?
- Of course.

It's the least I can do, considering everything you've done for me.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

So you get it, right?

- Hey.
- What?

You liked him, he liked you.

You did nice things for each other.

Your lack of parental affection did not make you numb to love, blah blah blah.

"Blah blah blah"?

Why don't you want me to see this?

- What are you hiding?
- Nothing.

It's just, the rest is not interesting.

Yeah, no, you're right.
"Not that interesting."

Just watching myself fall in love for the first time in fake heaven.

What else is on?

I am going to put this back in my ear, and you are going to show me how thoughtful and caring I am, or I'm gonna rip off your demon head and shove it up whatever's where your butt should be.

Roll it.

Oh, a lizard was a perfect choice, Eleanor.

- You both have combination skin.
- Thanks.

Hey, this is a weird question to ask.

I'll just throw it out there.
Can I ride your centaur?

I'm afraid T'Hania's quite particular about whom she allows to ride her.

I tried, and she gave me a withering stare.

Turns out centaurs are a bit tricky.

You didn't have like a stable full of horses growing up?

Oh, of course, but they just pulled our carriages, or performed in our horse ballets.

They weren't so... what's the word?

- [HORSE SHOES CLOPPING]
- Judgmental.

With whom can I speak about acquiring new shoes?

You can't expect me to walk around in these flats all day, like some common glue factory, hobo horse.

Eleanor, you were looking for me?

Uh, yeah, so, Chidi chose an owl, because he froze up trying to decide between two puppies.

Is it possible for him to swap?

Of course. This is the Good Place.

But he might want to hold off.

Tonight we're having a party where everyone gets to transform into their pets for a few minutes, as a treat.

Chidi can fly like an owl, and you can do whatever lizards do.

Tahani, would you host the party at your mansion?

Of course. I'd love to.

Is that what you're going to wear?

What? N... no. No.

Of course not. [SOFT LAUGH]

Why? Is it unflattering?

I... I can change.

Guys? I can't find my lizard.

He was just out there, like one second ago.

No big deal. Janet can find it.

No, I can't risk it.

These pets are supposed to, like, bond to our souls forever.

If Michael finds out mine ran away, he could figure out I'm not the real Eleanor.

Just, um, go without me, and tell people that I'm hanging out with my lizard, because we are so meshed together, or, whatever... circle of life crap like that.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

Go enjoy flying. I'll meet you there.

Come on, Bleek.

♪ ♪

Lizard?

Lizard?

Where the fork are you?

[SOFTLY] Lizard!

Ugh! Why didn't I name you?

- Hey.
- [SCREAMS]

- Why?
- Oh! Oh, no!

Chidi!

Sorry I shoved you, man.

I've just been a little jumpy.

Hey, you didn't happen to see my lizard in the lake, when you were thrashing around down there?

No. It was cold and dark and scary.

But don't worry, we'll find him.

Michael and Janet are busy transforming people, anyway, so they didn't even notice you weren't there.

Holy crap, you're supposed to be flying right now.

It's no big deal, I just decided I'd rather be helping you.

Than soaring through the air like an owl?

That's amazing.

You're amazing.

[TENDER UPBEAT MUSIC]

After that, you spent all your time together.

You studied philosophy together.

You even got Chidi hooked on popcorn shrimp.

Eventually, you becamesuspicious of me, and escapedto Mindy St. Claire's house on a train.

That was the first time you actuallysaid it out loud.

I love you.

And you don't need to respond, 'cause I know you have trouble saying how you feel...

I love you too.

♪ ♪

That's the story.

You're capable of human love. Congrats.

- Can we go now?
- How did it end?

Like it always did, with me rebooting you.

There's... there's no need to...

Show me, please.

[DEVICE BEEPS]

[YAWNS] All right. Let's get this over with.

- So, listen guys...
- No, you... listen.

We just went to Mindy St. Claire's, and when she wasn't trying to trick us into having a threesome, she filled us in on everything that you've been up to here.

Oh, yeah?

We know this is, like, the hundredth time you've tried to t*rture us, but this time it's different, because... we're in love.

And love is stronger than anything you can throw at us.

No, it's not.

Love is stronger than anything I can throw at you?

I could throw an elephant at you.

You think a thrown elephant wouldn't crush you because of love?

She was speaking metaphorically.

Even metaphorically, it's lame.

It's okay.

No matter what he does, we will find each other, and we will help each other, because we're soul mates.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

There's no such thing as soul mates, you dingus.

I made it up.

I put clowns in your house because you hate them.

I forced you to choose the lizard, and then I made that lizard run away.

I made it all up!

Don't you understand that?

This... [SNAPS]

That's why I didn't want to give you your memories back.

I didn't want you to see how cruel I used to be.

Plus, I wore a lot of French cuff shirts back then.

I thought it made me look classy.

It's... it's... it's all embarrassing.

But I'm different now, I promise.

I'll swear on a Bible like you humans do.

I could grab one right now.

It's the only book they have in the Sex Ed section.

I'm not mad at you.

I can't be mad at a demon for being evil.

I'm just sad, because I thought for a second I could love someone.

But really, it was just you manipulating me into thinking I loved someone.

So, I guess I was right.

I'm incapable of love.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]

Eh, that's no biggie. Do you wanna get burgers?

[EXHALES]

Hang on, how did you draw that conclusion?

You just watched yourself fall in love with Chidi.

No, I didn't, I watched a puppeteer pull a bunch of strings to make us think we were in love.

You said it yourself, you made it all up.

Okay, yes.

I put you and Chidi in close proximity, because I needed you to drive each other crazy.

But I never intended for you to fall in love.

Once you made us bond, the romance was inevitable.

It's a basic reality show playbook.

Put a bunch of attractive young people in stressful situations, so they act like idiots and have sex with each other.

This is all just determinism.

What?

"Determinism is the theory that "we have no control over our own actions.

"Everything we do happens because of some external force, which exists outside of our control."

I didn't choose to fall in love with Chidi, because some all-knowing demon, you, brought us together and scripted our lives.

That's ridiculous.

I didn't make you kiss Chidi by that lake.

You kind of did.

You orchestrated the whole "pet day" thing, manipulated us into choosing specific animals, made my lizard run away, which led to Chidi coming to help me find it, which led to us kissing, which led to us falling in love.

None of that was my choice.

Everything in my life has been determined by my upbringing, my genetics, or... or my environment.

And everything in my afterlife was determined by you.

There is no such thing as free will.

[CLEARS THROAT] We're closing up soon, guys.

Yeah, can we just have minutes?

We're kind of in the middle of something.

I'd take off if I were you.

The second we close, they use this place to sh**t p*rn.

Okay.

[NEON BUZZING]

You want something to drink?

Maybe I do, maybe I don't.

But whatever I choose will be the result of millions of biological, genetic, and societal factors that are entirely outside my control.

Iced tea.

Oh, that sounds good. I'll have one too.

Okay. You think you have no free will, because I scripted everything that happened, right?

All I have to do is prove that you made one choice that I couldn't anticipate.

Easy.

- [DEVICE BEEPS]
- Okay, here's a perfect example!

- [LOUDLY] In the very first attempt...
- Dude.

Dude-dude-dude!

- What?
- Yelling...

You're... you're yelling.

- Oh...
- Like, so loudly.

Sorry.

- Sorry.
- Yeah.

Watch this, it's from the very first attempt.

[DEVICE BEEPS]

If anyone has any information...

- Oh, boy.
- About any of this...

Okay, easy.

I beg you, tell me.

Hey, I love you, man.

Michael.

The problem in the neighborhood is me.

You saw your friend in pain, and you decided to sacrifice yourself to help him.

That wasn't me pulling a string or manipulating you.

In fact, it was the last thing I wanted.

Ruined my whole plan.

- Free will.
- No, dude.

The only reason I cared enough about Chidi to do that, was because you forced us together, made me feel bad for causing him pain.

- Okay, yeah...
- Yeah.

But, no, you were constantly doing stuff I couldn't anticipate.

As a matter of fact, I complained to you once, right... right to your face.

- I think it was reboot .
- [DEVICE BEEPS]

Now, is Chidi trapped in the purple space bubble?

Yes. Is he in pain?

Almost certainly. Will he ever get out?

No. However...

Uh, yeah, uh... wrong one. Wrong one.

I mean, that's worth watching.
[SOFT LAUGH] It's great.

But uh... not... not the one I was thinking.

- [SIGHS]
- It's probably, uh, .

- [DEVICE BEEPS]
- [DRAMATIC WHOOSH]

[SOFT POND AMBIENCE]

[DOOR OPENS]

You. In here.

[PENSIVE MUSIC]

Where am I?

Hell. You're in Hell.

Can I ask you something?

Have I missed anything in that freaky little noodle of yours?

See I... I've studied everything about your life.

I know your hopes, your fears, your psychology, your tendencies.

- I know all your private shames, like that you don't wash your feet in the shower; your first concert was Barenaked Ladies; and you have frequent sex dreams about Sam the Eagle, from the Muppets.

Well, he's very authoritative, and I find that reassuring.

You keep making crazy choices I don't understand.

[SCREEN CHIMES]

Am I missing something?

I'm sorry. Can we rewind for a second?

Who are you? Who is that guy?

Am I dead?

Is Sam the Eagle here?

No. [SNAPS]

I tried to script your whole afterlife.

And I devised a million-point plan to t*rture you.

You made choices I never saw coming.

I call that free will.

What if all your choices are predetermined?

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

What? We don't know.

Maybe there's a mega-demon who built a t*rture chamber for demons, and this whole thing is just him torturing you.

And maybe all the mega-demons are just fulfilling a destiny laid out by a bunch of super intelligent tarantula-squids, who are torturing them, be...

[GASPS]

[ICE CLATTERING]

Why did you do that?

- Because I have free will.
- [SIGHS]

And because you're being so annoying.

Uh. Thank you.

I'm so sorry that he did that.

- Happens all the time.
- [SIGHS]

Usually it's the younger woman doing it to the older guy, though.

Dude! Not cool.

Disagree.

I think it's the coolest thing I've ever done.

Do you really not see what's happening here?

Do you want me to spell it out for you?

This is a defense mechanism, Eleanor.

You saw yourself fall in love with Chidi, and it freaked you out to see yourself be so vulnerable.

So, you're using determinism to convince yourself that those feelings were not real.

You know, you don't know me, man.

Yes, I do, I know everything about you, remember?

Including that nothing scares you more than vulnerability.

[SCOFFS] Whatever. Who even cares?

I do.

Because if everything is determined, and we have no free will, then all the stuff we're doing to put more good into the world is pointless.

And I want to believe that it matters.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna use my free will right now to go pick up our friends at the airport.

Worst possible use of free will, but I'm gonna do it anyway, because I care about them.

[MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUILDS]

You might wanna head out too.

We're closing soon, and the second we do, they use this place to sh**t p*rn.

[SIGHS]

First class was amazing.

They give you so many free presents.

A shaving kit, an eye mask... oh, a vest.

[AIR HISSING]

At times like this, it's fun to remember that we're legally married.

[LAUGHS] That is fun.

Oh, I call window seat!

[TENDER PIANO MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[DOORS SHUTTING ECHOES]

I'm sorry. You were right.

I was scared about what it all meant, and I went back to one of my favorite moves, turn on the ol' Blame Hose.

[WHISPERING] "This is all you fault."

Apology accepted.

And I'm sorry I dumped iced tea on your head.

Are you kidding me? You did exactly what you should do when you're friend is being annoying.

You snapped me out of it.

It also made me realize, in a weird way, we are the only truly free beings in the universe, because we actually know what's up with the afterlife.

And I think that means we need to be bold.

Take the Soul Squad to the next level somehow.

You're right.

We need to find someone who can serve as a... as a blueprint for humanity, someone who's life is so great that we can use it as a model to get as many points for as many people as possible.

And I think I know the perfect person.

Rihanna. Good call. I don't know her personally, but I did see her in Vegas once, and her calf brush up against my tongue.

I licked her leg. I was kicked out.

It's not Rihanna. It's... it's someone way cooler.

Hey, everybody out of the car!

Grab your bags!

We're going to rural Canada!

[ELECTRICAL CRACKLING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

- Is it ready?
- I guess.

We have no idea if it'll work.

Oh, I'm sure it's perfect.

- Give it a try, Shawn.
- Me?

I'm not going through that thing.

She is.

Ask Michael how many times he rebooted them.

- He's lying...
- Yeah, zip it, toots.

We're way past that.

Where am I?

How long was I in there?

You have missed a lot.

Now go through that makeshift portal.

See if you explode.

♪ ♪

[GIGGLING] This might be gross.

[ELECTRICAL CRACKLING]

[WARBLING]

Oh. Am I on Earth?

Did you figure out a way to build an illegal door to Earth?

[ELECTRICAL WARBLING]

Yes.

That's exactly what I did.

- Well, we all helped.
- Shut up, Glenn.