11x04 - The expl*si*n Implosion

[bunniefuu]

It feels like it wasn't that long ago we were here doing this for Halley.

'Cause it wasn't.

Which reminds me, before we leave, let's get you a vasectomy.

Oh, that's sweet, but today is all about you.

So, you two ready to find out the sex of this baby?

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Is Halley hoping for a little brother or a little sister?

Well, she's nine months old, so unless it jingles or is in my bra, she doesn't care.

And how about you two?

You know, for the first one, we really wanted a girl, but this time around, we don't have a preference.

Yeah.

Boy, girl, as long as it's healthy.

Well, it's a boy.

(heartbeat pulsing)

Oh.

Oh.

Come on, you can't really be disappointed.

Hey, I barely know how to be a man myself.

Now I have to teach someone?

As the saying goes, “Those who can't do, teach”" Don't you want a little version of Howard?

I already have a little version of Howard.

Now I'm having a son?

I'll have to teach him how to play sports, and-and watch sports and-and-and-and-and-and...

He just ran out of man things.

He's in trouble.

It's okay.

We're all here to help.

Yes.

And this baby will have plenty of manly role models.

Now, I'm certain that whatever Bernadette can't teach him, Penny can.

Uh, she can pee into a bottle.

Mm-hmm.

Anything with a neck wider than a nickel.

Howie, there's a lot of amazing things you can teach a son.

Yeah.

You do always know how to pick just the right antacid.

I don't know if I can teach that.

It's just something I was born with.

Come on.

You can build things.

You were an astronaut.

That's true.

You know, as a kid, I used to make model rockets.

That'd be pretty cool to do with a son.

Model rockets.

Finally, something interesting.

What is your preferred mode of recovery?

Sheldon, we're helping our friends.

And we got to model rockets, yeah?

It was a tedious road, but well worth the effort.

- So, have you thought of any names?

- Amy.

We finally got to model rockets.

Why are you turning back?

♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ ♪ Then nearly billion years ago expansion started...

Wait!

♪ ♪ The Earth began to cool ♪ ♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪ ♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪ ♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪ ♪ That all started with a big bang ♪ ♪ Bang! ♪ Hey, where are you going?

Back to the dry cleaner.

Look at this.

They didn't get the stain out of my Starfleet uniform.

Well, if you didn't make me wear the green body paint in bed, you wouldn't have to get it dry-cleaned so much.

Nah, it's worth it.

(Skype ringtone playing)

Hey, wait, it's your mom.

Oh, too bad.

She just missed me!

Hey, Beverly.

Oh, hello, Penny.

Uh, Leonard just left.

He's gonna be so upset he missed your call.

Why?

Because he...

Yeah, I don't know.

How are you?

Did you mean personally or professionally?

Um, personally?

Like, what'd you do last night?

I had Cuban food at the home of a man with whom I shared unsatisfying intercourse.

Wow.

Okay.

And to anticipate your next questions, roasted pork and sideways missionary.

Sure.

Sure.

'Cause you were full.

I haven't looked at all this stuff in years.

Had it.

Had it.

Burnt down my garage with it.

I had three model rockets as a kid, and that was the largest space program in India.

You have a replica Saturn V?

Yeah.

My dad bought it before he, you know, abandoned our family.

Lucky duck.

Could never bring myself to open it without him.

(chuckles)

It's silly.

No, it's not silly.

I always wanted my dad to build rockets with me, but he wasn't interested.

Ah, yes, disappointing fathers.

Tell me about it.

I remember for my th birthday, my dad bought me a Mercedes.

Like, a little one, like a starter Mercedes.

He had barely handed me the keys before he had to rush back to work.

I didn't see him again till, like, pretty late that night.

Anyway....

as angry as I was with him leaving, building this stuff is probably what led me to become an engineer.

I suppose, in his own way, my dad also encouraged me to pursue science.

I mean, he is the one that taught me that flatulence is combustible.

And also, polyester gym shorts don't burn.

They melt.

Yeah, I guess I'm an astrophysicist because, as a kid, I said I like to look at the stars, so my dad sent me to Hawaii to visit the Keck telescope.

Screw you.

My pain is real.

You know what?

Forget the past.

What do you say you and me build this rocket?

That sounds like it could be a real bonding experience for us.

Right?

Oh, I see.

Oh, you think that's a positive.

So, you don't want to hang out with Sheldon and Howard?

No, they were bonding over their sad childhoods, and my stupid parents were always there for me.

What's all this?

I'm just boxing up all the clothes Halley's outgrown.

Guess we won't need them anymore.

Oh, well, slow down.

I'm sure there's some you could reuse for a boy.

“Daddy's little girl”?

Okay, well, what if we, uh, change it to say, “Daddy's little girl magnet”?

Boom!

Boy shirt.

What about this?

Uh, okay.

Uh, pull off the skirt, slap a lightning bolt on the front, and you got baby Flash.

Ooh.

Stick a long sleeve under it.

Boom!

Baby Sheldon.

Wow, you're really good at this.

Oh, please.

This isn't my first time turning girl clothes into boy clothes.

Why?

You got your sister's hand-me-downs?

Yeah, that.

Oh.

I should've brought peanuts.

You can't eat peanuts.

You're allergic.

If you die, who's going to drive me home?

I'm not gonna eat them.

It's a thing they do at JPL.

When the Ranger mission finally had a successful launch, there were peanuts in the room.

Ever since then, they have them at every launch.

That sounds like a silly superstition.

It's more of a tradition.

Oh!

I do love a tradition.

Could you pull over at the next peanut store?

I don't think that's a real thing.

Oh, don't be pedantic.

Any nut store will do.

I-I don't think we can get peanuts out here.

Ah, well, then this whole day's ruined.

Now that I think about it, maybe it is more of a superstition.

Whew!

That was close.

(ringtone playing)

Oh, uh, hey, Beverly, you called my phone, not Leonard's.

Actually, I was hoping to speak with you.

Is this a good time?

Uh, that depends.

What time is it where you are?

Uh, just after : .

(clears throat)

Yeah, that counts.

What's up?

Well, I enjoyed our conversation the other day, and I was hoping to continue it.

Really?

Uh, yes.

You may find this surprising, but I don't have a lot of what you would call girlfriends.

(exaggerated) : What?

Of course, there are my female colleagues, but, uh, they're all Freudians, so the only boy that I can dish about is my father.

(laughs)

Uh, well, you know, I'm here for you.

What do you want to talk about?

Well, last time, we focused on my life.

If we're going to be real girlfriends, we should talk about you as well.

Well, you know, if we're gonna be real girlfriends, we should get a third girl we can trash behind her back.

Oh, so we'd be catty.

Oh, I like it.

What about Sheldon's fiancée?

She seems a bit dour.

Ooh, “dour.” Meow.

All right.

Here we go.

L-minus ten, nine...

Wait, what are you doing?

It's “T-minus”" I was an astronaut.

We used L-minus.

But this is a Saturn V, and when they launched those, they said “T-minus”" It's my rocket!

We're doing it my way.

Fine.

I'm not saying I know why your dad left, but I think I'm getting an idea.

L-minus ten, nine, eight, seven, six...

'Cause you're kind of bossy.

...five, four, three, two, one...

I remember them going up higher.

Well, that's perfect.

I mean, the one thing I thought I could do with my son, I can't even do that right.

Well, if you want to see it again, I got it on video.

Looks pretty cool in slow motion.

Thank you for your support.

You're welcome.

I was being sarcastic.

How dare you!

Sheldon, what am I gonna do?

I mean, what do I know about raising a boy?

What do you know about raising a girl?

Oh, my God, you're right.

Well, I don't know if that was sarcasm or not.

So, either you're welcome, or hey!

(phone chimes)

Leonard, did you really just text me from the couch to put extra mustard on your sandwich?

I was worried you might not check your e-mail.

(phone chimes)

I swear to God, I will throw this out.

That one was not me.

Oh, wait, it was just your mom.

My mother's texting you?

Yeah.

We've been talking a lot lately.

Why?

She sick of talking to the magic mirror on the wall?

No, I think she's lonely.

She's been reaching out.

Okay, just be careful.

You think you're getting close to her, and the next thing you know, you're featured in a book called He's Doing It On Purpose: Raising a Teenage Bed-Wetter. No, it's not like that.

You know, she's been opening up about her life, and she's actually been really supportive about mine.

Really?

Yeah.

I've been telling her about my job, and she said she was proud of me.

Well, that's great.

Never told me she was proud of me.

Even when I stayed dry for a whole month.

Do you not want me to be friends with your mom?

Well, let's be clear.

I-I married you to hurt her.

You're kind of ruining it.

Reason number to feel good: as a launch, it was bad, but as an expl*si*n, it was glorious.

Reason : you still have all your fingers, and boys prefer a dad with fingers.

Thanks for trying, but you're not gonna be able to cheer me up.

Well, how about this, then?

You quit your whining before I give you something to cry about, young man.

What?

Those are comforting words my father would often say.

Did it help?

I turned out great.

You tell me.

Let's get going.

Are you gonna be this mopey all the way home?

I don't know, maybe.

There any chance you'd be cheered up by an amazing trigonometry riddle?

Well, if you can't answer that, there's no way you're gonna get this riddle.

Oh, hey, hey, what do you think?

Just because it's a boy, I don't think you need to put a picture of genitals on his shirt.

But that's a baseball bat with two little baseballs.

Okay, and now I see it.

So, you know, I understand why Howard is nervous about having a son, but are you really upset about it?

No, I'm fine.

It's just, I grew up with a bunch of brothers, so I thought it'd be nice for Halley to have a sister.

Is that wrong?

Of course it's wrong.

You don't know what this little boy's gonna be like.

Maybe he'll be rough and tumble, or maybe he'll be sweet and sensitive, or maybe he'll be all those things, like me.

You're rough and tumble?

You bet I am, bitch.

But I'm also sensitive and regret saying that.

(knock on door)

Hey.

Hello.

You got a sec?

Sure.

What's up?

Penny's been talking to my mother like they're best friends, and it's kind of freaking me out.

Okay...

I'm pretty sure they're not best friends.

'Cause you can only have one best friend.

And Penny has that, and (clicks tongue)

it's me.

Oh, really?

Is she FaceTiming with you right now?

Because she's FaceTiming with my mom, and believe me, that is not a face you want to spend time with.

Hmm.

Well, I have been pretty busy lately.

Maybe I've been neglecting our friendship.

Penny knows I have a complicated relationship with my mother; it's like she doesn't even care.

And with everything going on at the lab and planning the wedding, I just, I have so little free time.

Penny doesn't know how manipulative my mother can be.

Did you know there's such a thing as reverse, reverse, reverse psychology?

Because...

there is.

I mean, she must feel so abandoned.

She's used to me being there all the time, but now I have my own life, and she's just gonna have to accept it.

And why is my mom proud of Penny and not me?

I mean, the real question is: why is Penny so afraid of me growing as a person?

I'm good at stuff, too!

I deserve my own life!

Okay, well, thanks.

Good talk.

You know, studies have shown that people distracted by emotional issues are poor drivers.

What about people distracted by irritating passengers?

That would be hard to test, because irritating is a subjective quality.

Strongly disagree.

Can I drive?

No.

(chuckles)

You can't drive.

You don't even have a license.

Actually, I do.

Really?

Since when?

Three years ago.

I went on a bit of a license kick.

I'm also a commercial fisherman.

Then why don't you ever drive yourself?

Honestly, I barely passed my test.

And the one time I drove on my own, I made a U-turn, got dizzy, threw up and walked home.

You really want to drive?

It seems like the perfect time.

The roads are straight, there's no one around, and you don't seem to care if you live or die.

Live, Sheldon.

I want to live.

That makes things a little trickier, but I'll do my best.

(line ringing)

BEVERLY: Hi, Pen...

Oh, hello, Leonard.

Hello, Mother.

How are you?

Fine.

And you?

I'm great.

Well, it's been lovely catching up.

Wait.

Hang on.

We need to talk.

Oh, brother.

I want to know, why aren't you proud of me?

Well, isn't the real question, “Why aren't you proud of yourself?” No, that is a question-- and I ask it a lot-- but let's stick with the one I asked you.

But why do you think I'm not proud of you?

Because you never say it.

But two days into chatting with Penny, and you can't stop telling her how great she is.

She is great.

Honestly, of all of my children's spouses, she's the one that I'm most impressed by.

Seriously?

Yes.

She's confident, she's thoughtful, and she never complained about you once.

I know what kind of strength that takes.

So, Penny's your favorite?

I suppose she is.

You married well, Leonard, and for that I am proud of you.

I don't...

I don't...

I don't know what to say.

I'm also proud of how hard you're trying not to cry.

(choked up) : Thank you.

Would you like to hang up now?

Yeah, here it comes.

Your hands are at : and : .

Good.

Steady on the gas.

Okay.

Now you're gonna want to slowly switch lanes.

Why?

Because there are only two, and you're not in either of them.

Attaboy.

Well done!

Thank you.

The last time I drove, I was terrified, but this is fun.

You're doing great.

You're a good teacher.

Your son is going to be lucky to have you as a father.

Thanks.

Do you think I could try going a little faster?

Go for it, champ.

Ow.

Sorry.

Just ease on the gas, and...

(engine revving)

Oh, too much!

Too much!

Why was I scared of this?

This is exhilarating!

No, it's not!

Slow down!

Don't tell me what to do!

You're not my father!

Do you know how fast you were going?

.

Let me see your license.

- Okay, here's the plan.

- No.

Fine.

There you go.

You know what, you can just keep it.