10x04 - Torn Between Two Lovers

[bunniefuu]

- Dylan?
- Oh, Mr. D. You jog here, too?

I'm a half a block from my house.
Are you wearing boots?

Okay, this is less of a coincidence than it seems.

I've been following you around for a few days.

It's about Haley.

I know she's in a relationship,

but I love her, and I think she loves me.

Dylan, I heard about what happened.

I wouldn't read too much into it.
It was only one kiss.

Uh...

Oh, no.

Two kisses?

Okay.

I went to Dylan's house to tell him it wasn't okay

that we kissed, and I ended up sleeping with him.

I would go back to his house to tell him it wasn't okay

we slept together, but where does that go?

[CHUCKLES]

Anyway, I just want to talk to her,

and she won't return my calls.

She's ghosting you?

For an older dude, you always kept up with the lingo.

Word.

Aw, I'm sorry, man.

You're a good guy. You deserve better than being ghosted.

- I'll talk to her.
- You'd do that for me?

Yeah, I'll throw her a gab. You s*ab me?

Huh?

Darn it. I think Luke's messing with me.

[ITALIAN ACCENT] Mama mia!

What is-a wrong-a with-a my arm-a?

[NEW YORK AENT] Fuggedaboutit!
Youse arm's fine!

Ah, then why-a won't you take a big-a, juicy bite out of it?

Yo, Luigi, I think what we got here

is a communication problem.

See, when I said I wanted to eat Italian...

- And scene.
- And scene.

Bravo!

They just made that scene up as they were going,

and then at the end, there was a funny twist.

Okay, for this next scene,

Sherry will play a famous person.

Lou Diamond Phillips!

- Excellent.
- And, Jay, I need an occupation.

I agree.

So, it turns out Manny's fake Canadian girlfriend is real

and annoying.

Until he goes back to school, she's staying here

and auditioning to be an improv star,

just like, you know, no one ever.

Boy, oh, boy, did that summer fly by or what?

- Anyway, off you go.
- Bye, Jay.

I miss already you, papi.

He'll be back in three days to do his laundry.

- I'll miss you, too.
- Come here, Teddy Bear.

- Mwah!
- Mwah!

- See you Saturday.
- I can't wait.

Okay, I'll be upstairs, doing space work.

Gloria, quick question...

why is that person still here?

Ay! I didn't tell you?

- Don't even.
- The college won't let Sherry

live in the dorm with Manny,

so she's gonna stay here.

I am going to make a delicious sandwich. You want one?

I don't want a sandwich. I want her out of my house.

And I kind of want a sandwich.

This is Manny's first serious relationship.

I used to tell him,

"I know that one day you're gonna find a woman

that will appreciate all your gifts."

But I didn't know.

You're saying you don't find her annoying?

No. I think she's funny.
And don't worry.

She's only gonna stay here

until she can support herself doing improv.

Well, put her name on the answering machine,

'cause she's not going anywhere.

We're only lucky enough to get one Wayne Brady in a lifetime.

Hey. I just ran into Dylan.

He told me what happened between you two.

- Look, whatever he said...
- Relax.

I know you kissed him again.

Okay.

You clearly inherited

the power of the Dunphy kiss.

Take it from me. That can really mess with a man.

You need to stop ghosting him.

[SIGHS] I know. It's just so hard.

I mean, I'm with Arvin,

who hasn't talked to me since I told him I kissed Dylan,

and every time I talk to Dylan, I end up... kissing him.

It's very confusing.

Well, Dylan's a sensitive guy.

After all your history together,

he deserves to know where he stands.

You should talk to him.

- Fine.
- I'll tell him to come over.

Use the blowfish emoji.

It means, "Brace yourself for some bad news."

- No, it doesn't.
- Luke.

- [ALARM BLARES ON CELLPHONE]
- Hey, hey, no, no.

I said no more screen time today, okay?

What's so fascinating about truck videos, anyway?

Ooh, firemen.

CAM: All right, Lily, let's go.

Okay, how late are we...

"goat loose in the house" late or "stubborn cow in the road" late?

You've lived here years.
Please use city time.

Oh, Cal, Cal, Cal, Cal!

No, you're spilling all over the floor!

[SIGHING HEAVILY]

Hey, Lily, can you watch where you're going?

Yeah, I'm the problem.

Now we're gonna have to change his shoes.

No, he can't wear his other shoes

because he scribbled on those in crayon

and it looks like a swastika, and in this day and age...

Not just this day and age.

Okay. His shoes are fine. They have kids.

They know they ruin everything.
[CHUCKLES]

- Except your life.
- Yeah.

Nice save.

Another Assistant District Attorney in my office, Trent,

invited us over for lunch, which is great

because he is looking for a second chair

on a very high-profile case, and I want in.

You know, I was second-chair washboard

in the Grasshopper High School orchestra.

Go on.

So, Trent and I have so much in common.

His husband works in a school, just like Cam,

and they have two young kids.

I mean, if there was a gay lawyer dating site,

we'd be a perfect match.

It could be called HungJuries.com.

Good. So, get all that out before we go.

Mm.

TRENT: Welcome. Come in. You must be Cam.

Hi. I'm Trent. This is my husband, Kieran.

Hi. Nice to meet you.
This is Lily and Cal.

Sorry we're late.

These two got into a little spat in the car,

and we had to pull over, so...

He burped in my face.

You were looking at me.

Great, great. Round .

[LAUGHTER]

I'm sure you guys get it.

Oh, totally. Our little ones are even worse in the car.

Oh, I'll go get them so the kids can play.

Wow. Your house, it's... it's... it's beautiful.

And... Oh, my God, this plate is gorgeous.

TRENT: Oh, thank you. Yeah, we got that in Nepal

at a festival celebrating the child goddess Kumari.

Oh, well, the closest I've been to a child goddess

was my Drew Barrymore lunch box.

[LAUGHTER]

God, your house is so clean!

How do you keep it so clean with kids?

TRENT: Here they are.

This is Devon and Denise.

Oh!

Th-Those are your... Those are your kids.

Oh, my God. I did it again.

I'm so used to calling them our kids,

sometimes I forget to clarify.

No. It's fine. And isn't Devon just a little cutie?

That's Denise. She's the funny one.

Daddy, I'm bored.

Okay, that's not polite, Lily.

Now, hang on, little lady.

I'm about to get your party started.

This is a hand-carved backgammon set from Sri Lanka.

Use the gloves. Have fun.

And while the kids are playing...

Or choking.

...why don't you guys join us in the kitchen? I'll grab us some wine.

I hope you don't mind white.

We lost a couch to a Cabernet incident,

and Trent still gets flashbacks.

Okay. Go have fun, kids.

- Yes!
- Okay, okay.

First of all, no drinking juice.

Let me pat him down.

All right. Let me check you.
All right, he is clean.

Wait. What is this?

How did that get in there?

Okay, okay, look. Hey, come here.

Just sit here. Do not move.

You can play with Devon... ise.

Uh, you can watch your truck videos.

Hey, don't take your eyes off of him.

So, just to be clear, I don't get any childhood?

Oh, please. Last week, we taught you how to make flan.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That's Dylan.

You need me to stick around?

Nope. I was just downstairs practicing what to say,

and I am prepared for every possible scenario.

Okay.

- Hello, love!
- Oh, no.

I missed you, too, Haley.

Surprise!

Arvin called me from Switzerland 'cause he wanted to surprise you,

so I snuck to the airport and picked him up.

I can't believe we got away with it!

Oh, good. This again.

Yeah!

Uh, come inside! Look at me!

I'm gonna go make some tea!

Yeah, look at him!

[DOOR SLAMS]

- PHIL: Get away from that door!
- Oh, hey, Mr. Dunphy.

Ugh! Ow! You broke my heart.

Look, Dylan...

No explanation necessary, Mr. D.

If you had to rough me up and take me hostage,

I'm sure you had your reasons.

Okay, Dylan, first, we have to talk about your costume.

- Do you love it?
- It's fantastic!

But the timing couldn't be worse.

- Why?
- Have a seat.

You know what? Standing's fine.

Listen. Uh... Arvin's here.

He flew back from Switzerland to surprise Haley.

Wow. I'm up against another grand gesture.

What's he dressed as?

Nothing. Just... Just himself.

[CHUCKLES] I like my chances.

[LAUGHS]

I'm sorry I didn't call you back.

I just needed time to process the whole Dylan thing.

That's totally understandable.

Mom, got it from here.

Of course.

We really got her, huh?

Forgive me. I can't anymore.

- I just... I can't.
- Okay. Okay.

Haley, I need to tell you something.

I transgressed.

You were a woman?

No. No.

After you told me about your kiss, um,

I headed straight to a pub frequented by other scientists

and, long story short,

I kissed a nuclear physicist.

I know it's not PC to say,

but they really are the loosest of the scientific disciplines.

- I forgive you.
- Just like that, so fast?

Yeah. Why not? Let's just agree we're both equally guilty,

move on, and never talk about it again.
[CHUCKLES]

For the record, it could have gone further.

I-I just want a little credit for that.

Okay.

[WHOOSH, FIRE CRACKLES]

[SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO]

Mom!

What?

I do this every day at : .

[SMACKS LIPS] Ah.

Harpo, what are you doing?

Studying you, creating a character.
Imagine I'm not here.

I'm not that creative.
Maybe you could help me.

[LAUGHING] Oh! So gruff. Love it.

- I'm leaving.
- I'm leaving.

Good. You go.

[GASPS] Look at you, mis dos amigos!

[HISPANIC ACCENT] Look at... Look at you, mis dos amigos!

[CHUCKLES] That does sound like me.

You're so talented.

Okay, that was strange.

Gloria hates when people imitate her.

And then Gloria says, "Where are my 'chews'?

I cannot go to the club without my 'chews.'

Your stupid doggie chews my 'chews'!"

[LAUGHTER]

Ay, funny.

Manny, come rub my ankles, papi!

[CHUCKLES] Good, good.

But how is your funny old man character coming?

[GRUFF VOICE] Ugh.
Somebody get me a scotch

that's as stiff as my back.

[LAUGHS] Do that again!

That's the money!

How did you know she was doing that?

[NORMAL VOICE] She is so supportive. It was her idea.

And there it was.

Gloria didn't want that weirdo here any more than I did.

She just wanted me to be the bad guy.

But the joke's on her, because, for short bursts of time,

I can be quite nice.

TRENT: We're trying out a new recipe for risotto.

We went truffle hunting in Tuscany,

and we brought back a few more than we declared.

Oh, and you, an officer of the court.
So naughty.

Don't worry. We're cool.

We get our Propecia in Mexico.

[LAUGHTER]

Tell us more about Tuscany.

Remember when we were saving up to go there?

What did we end up blowing that money on?

- Lily.
- Right.

Oh, well, your life sounds so exciting.

Pbht!

Your house is so beautiful, with such nice things.

Well, they don't have to spend their money on orthodontia,

- ballet lessons, and college funds.
- Yeah.

The grass is greener.

Your grass is greener.

We can't seem to get Cal to pee indoors.

Well, your family seems great.

And, Mitchell, you are k*lling it at the office.

- Mm.
- Really?

Because I-I feel like I'm kind of getting

more low-profile, starter cases.

Uh, I wouldn't worry about that.

There's actually a big case that I am working on,

- I think you will...
- [GLASS BREAKING]

- Oh, my God.
- Oh.

- What was that?!
- Go! Go!

Please let it be one of their kids.

There you are!

Hey. Uh, Haley, do you have a sec?

If you don't mind, we were kind of in the middle of something.

Phil, what are you doing intruding on these two?

[CHUCKLES]

I just need to show Haley something in my office.

I was doing a little cleaning, and I came across

this old doll that used to mean a lot to her.

Can't you just get rid of the doll?

I started to, but it really seems like

something you should do, you know, for closure.

You're right.

Wait. You need closure from a doll?

That seems odd.

Well, I did sleep with that thing since I was like .

- ?
- ?

Oh, no.

Dylan.

What is Dylan doing here?

He's making a grand gesture.

He won't leave until he talks to Haley.

Oh, my God. It was one kiss.

[CHUCKLING] Poor, naive Claire.

It was two kisses.

You have something to do with this?

Haley was ghosting him.

- What does that mean?
- You are so not hip.

She wouldn't call him back,

so I told her to do the right thing and end it,

or whatever, in person.

"Or whatever"? No "or whatever."

She's been "or whatever-ing" since puberty.

It is time for her to grow up.

Doesn't matter. Look, we both want

the same thing for her in the end.

- Absolutely.
- Right.

For her to make her own decision.

Of course. The only decision is...

- Arvin.
- I agree. Arvin is very impressive.

Buyou should know Dylan has been

putting himself through nursing school,

working at the hospital, running.

You're not honestly making a case for that guy?

That guy would take a b*llet for Haley.

Why are you so invested in him?

Because I was that guy!

I was the underdog with every girl I ever liked.

[SIGHS] That's very sweet.

But this isn't about you.

This is about Haley

being with a respected, charming scientist

versus a guy who Lily convinced to eat a box of crayons.

It was one bite out of one crayon.

It was only because he was blindfolded

- and trapped in a Chese finger puzzle.
- [FRUIT THUDS]

I had no idea Arvin was going to be here

but can we please do this another time?

I won't have the costume another time, Haley.

So, this is the doll you slept with.

Hey, you're pretty handsome yourself.

So many questions.

First, why have you snuck 'round to see

the bloke you supposedly feel terrible about kissing?

Yo, I hope this doesn't sound braggy, but for the most part,

people do not feel terrible about kissing me.

Okay, guys, stop.

Listen to me, my simple friend.

I just spent hours in a middle seat.

I suggest you get out of my space.

Well, I suggest, next time, you ask about an exit row.

It could still be a middle seat, but you'd have more leg room.

You have to go!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Enough! Stop fighting or whatever this is.

Arvin! There you are!

Oh. Hi, Dylan.

- Radiant as ever, Mrs. D.
- Ugh.

Haley, tell him to leave.

Let me see if I can defuse the situation.

Mom, Dad, stop meddling in my life.

Outside now!

- All right.
- Now!

Okay. Okay.

[SIGHS]

Help me. I don't know what to do.

My mask!

We are so, so sorry.

I tried to block him.

He faked going for the glass frog.

I can't believe it.

Breathe, honey. Breathe.

Can we fix it?

Oh, I don't know.
Do you happen to have any clay

from the melted runoff of Kilimanjaro?

Because that's what it's made of!

We got it on our first trip to Tanzania.

It was blessed by the shaman that healed his psoriasis.

Of course we'll be happy to pay to replace it.

- It's irreplaceable!
- [CLAY SHATTERS]

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

- It's back.
- Oh.

We cannot apologize enough.

That's probably true.

I'll go get lunch.

Okay, this is a disaster.

I know, but is any part of you still hearing

"first trip to Tanzania"?

He was just about to offer me the case I want.

Well, there'll be other cases.

No. This one involves a music producer,

an escort, and illegal arms sales, okay?

I want to bring them to justice.

Plus, they've already sold the movie rights.

I could be played by Ryan Gosling.

That's it, honey. Aim high.

Oh, my God. What can we do? What can we do?

- [DOG BARKING]
- Whoa.

[GASPS]

- Quick. Bite my ankle.
- Excuse me?

Hurry, before they come back. I'm gonna tell them

the dog did it. It'll cancel out the mask.

Just do it.

Harder. It needs to scar me.

It's definitely scarring me.

They need to believe a dog did it.

- [GROWLING]
- Psst.

Oh. Well, if you're

you're gonna make us wait so long to eat,

this shouldn't come as a surprise.

[LAUGHS]

Gloria, come here!

You got to see this. She's on fire.

Now, check this out.

I can throw anything at her,

and she can make comedy gold out of it.

Here. Um...

John Travolta in a submarine.

Ow! Ow!

Yeah, because a submarine is small.

[LAUGHS]
You were right, Gloria. She's hilarious.

Do another one. Um...

T. rex in a volleyball game.

[LAUGHING] Look at that.

It's hard to spike with little arms.

Jay, can I talk to you in there for a second?

Yeah, yeah. All right. I'll be right back.

What a hoot!

What is your game, old man?

Nothing. I'm loving this.

My only fear is that she might hit it big and leave us.

You think I'm an idiot? Nobody thinks that that is funny.

Be honest, you want her out of here more than I do.

Okay, fine, but I don't want to be the mother

that hates her son's girlfriend.

I don't want to be the villain anymore.

But that's your job. I am the quiet and fun one.

Have you not heard her impression of you? It's dead-on.

You want to get rid of her, you do it.

I won't have to, because I can pretend

that I like Sherry longer than you can.

You will cr*ck first.

[HISPANIC ACCENT] You will cr*ck first!

Sherry, you cannot stay here.

[NORMAL VOICE] What? Why?

Because you're driving me crazy.

But I thought you liked me.

What can I say, kid? She's rough.
Let me get your bag.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hey, I'm back! Guess what.

All that calligraphy I've done for the dean paid off.

He said you can stay with me.

[VOICE BREAKING]
Your mom just told me she hates me.

Mom, why would you say that?

And scene!

Why can't I tell Dylan to leave?

Because you are scared

of the first real, adult relationship

with the perfect man, and you're clinging to the past.

Or you and Dylan have a special connection

and you still love him.

Not helping.

God, they're both such great guys,

but they're so different.

How am I supposed to choose?
How did you guys do it?

Well, sweetheart, I... I'm not gonna be any help here.

From the minute I met your mom, there was no choice.

She was smart.
She was strong.

She resented her father just enough to go for a guy like me.

She... She gave my life balance,

and now I can't imagine it without her.

Also, she's... she's crazy hot.

- Mom?
- Well, first of all, um,

I'm a sucker for guys who say things like that.

Your dad is the nicest, most positive person I know,

and he always helps me find the fun in life.

And, uh, he is still real easy on the peepers.

Aww. We really are lucky.

Oh, I know.

[LAUGHING] I forgot what we were even fighting about.

Me too.

You weren't fighting. We were talking about my problem.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, honey,

you should probably just ignore everything we said

and try to imagine your life with each of them.

What do you see?

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

I guess, with Arvin, I see a big, beautiful house...

Arvin! Arvin, wait!

...lined with books,

interesting people coming in and out,

raising kids with a brilliant man.

[SNIFFLES] I'm so sorry. I...

Oh, well.

Now I may have to use my genius for evil.

You're my origin story.

What?

Every supervillain has a reason they're so...

You know, maybe this is for the best.

With Dylan, I see us in a cute, little place

that needs a ton of work.

We may not have all the nicest things,

but there's music and laughing,

and I know I can always be myself,

and he'll always love me for it.

Um...

I just got out of a relationship.

[SNIFFLES] I'm, like, a complete mess.

That's perfect. I love messes.

Can we, uh, take a step back

and just go out on a date?

Sure.

Your chariot awaits.

I couldn't fit in my car, you know.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Okay, how do I do it? I'll just... Oh!

[LAUGHS]

We're never gonna be able to retire, are we?

Nope.

♪

I'm sorry the juicy trial didn't work out. Are you okay?

Yeah. I-I guess if I had to do it all over again,

I wouldn't have told you to bite me.

Weird how I just went along with that, no questions.

Oh, and speaking of doing it all over again,

do you ever regret having kids?

Of course not.

I mean, do I sometimes look back

and wish everything was different?

If you say "yes," that is regret.

Then, no, because if we didn't have them

I would be Trent, an uptight lunatic

who falls apart over a broken tchotchke.

I mean, kids give you perspective.

You realize what's important, to let go of...

[GLASS BREAKS, CHILDREN GIGGLE]

And there goes our last nice thing.

- Thank God we're free now.
- Mm.