10x06 - On the Same Paige

[bunniefuu]

I don't remember buying these fresh peaches.

Aah!

Phil: Apologies, Serge.

My wife, Claire, seems to have forgotten that I'm holding office hours for my Intro to Real Estate class here at home.

So, when I walked to the laundry room minutes ago in my bra...

That was kind of perfect, actually.

I had just made a point about how buildings from the early ' s were holding up surprisingly well.

So maybe I'll... Yeah.

- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

All right, see you in class, buddy.

- [Sighs]
- What a great kid.

That's why I chucked it all for a life in academia, Claire.

[Inhales deeply] It's a special feeling knowing that there's a young man walking around out there who you helped mold, who you can be proud of.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey. You know?

You're up early.

What are you talking about?

I hugged you from behind earlier.

You know, I said, "I don't remember buying this six pack."

Then you did that funny Eastern European accent...

[Eastern European accent]
"I don't want trouble.

I just want to learn." [Chuckles]

Should we be concerned about group-molesting Serge?

And aren't you at the minimum number of students

- before they cancel your class?
- Not to worry.

Serge worships me, and the rest of the class is super solid.

Plus, it's the last day to drop classes anyway.

[Normal voice] Oh, speaking of that, I'm thinking about dropping history.

- How come?
- It's not really exciting me.

Plus, we've got this huge paper due today that I haven't quite finished starting.

It's on the Monroe Doctrine.

The Monroe Doctrine?

Oh, no.

Junior year history class, I wrote the perfect paper.

Strong thesis, impeccable supporting arguments.

I quoted from the letters of a White House footman who recalled Monroe calling to him from the bath, "Beauregard, fetch me my breeches. We have a doctrine!"

I got a "C."

[Inhales sharply]

Oh, so you agree with that grade, huh?

Don't patronize me.

Mmm. The food at the club has gotten so much lighter and healthier.

We had a run of angina att*cks, so we had to go heart-healthy.

We said goodbye to our social chairman, Herb, and our butter fountain in the same weekend.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, Mr. Pritchett.

I'll take this when you're ready.

- Thank you, Maria.
- Oh, Maria,

that's a beautiful name.
That's why it's often sung.

But you're not going to...

♪ Ave Maria ♪

And curtain. Okay, they just started letting gays in here.

Don't make them regret it.

You might also wanna tell Sharona

- to steer clear of the table.
- Yes.

Yeah, well, I should probably save my energy for my performance tonight anyway.

Oh, darn.
Gloria and I have tickets to, um...

[Stammers] Um...

Don't worry, Jay. It's... It's not for you.

Oh, good. I didn't know where I was going with that.

Tonight is a fundraiser at Lily's school.

We're, you know, raising money for the kids.

A night of song and sketch.

All the dads are performing. Well... most of the dads.

Proud of you, son.

Ah, it's not a complete victory.

I still have to watch it, so...

- Thanks for breakfast, Dad.
- Hey,

I love spending time with you two!

Every month I've gotta burn off a minimum at the club, and literally, everybody else I knew was busy.

That's also why I give a lot of birthday presents from the pro-shop. You know, mugs and visors that say "Kiss My Putter,"

"Talk Birdie To Me."

Quality items. Everybody wins.

So, if you're not rushed, you should treat yourself to our spa.

You know, get a couple of, uh... a couple of standard treatments.

Oh, well, you're so generous.

Might I say you look very handsome in that shirt we gave you for Christmas.

They also make it in "Queen's coral"... oh, no.

- Did I spoil your birthday?
- Sounds like you might.

[Cellphone chimes, vibrates]

Oh. [Laughs]

- What's so funny?
- Oh, it's just that I've been e-mailing this mom at school.

We both volunteer together.

- You... You e-mail?
- It's harmless. Listen.

"Hey, Jay, enjoyed laughing around the planetarium with you.

Your jokes were out of this world."

Hm, okay. So, if it's so harmless, I'm sure Gloria knows about this flirty quipstress.

Don't make something out of this.

Oh, my God. Oh!

That's why he's wearing the shirt.

[Gasps] Because it makes your blue eyes pop.

I'm not letting you magpies dirty this up.

[Cellphone chimes, vibrates]

- [Cellphone unlocks]
- Oh, uh...

"Park by the swings so I can help you carry stuff in."

[Sultry voice] "Park by the swings so I can help you carry stuff in."

You're sullying this, and I'm leaving!

- Okay, well, say "hi" to your girlfriend.
- She's not my girlfriend.

The only reason we're paired together is because our kids are in the same reading group.

Both: Oo-ooh!

Damn it!

[Chuckling] I love when we "ooh."

We used to do that all the time, and then we stopped.

- Why?
- I don't know.

[Birds chirping]

Joe!

Why did I find your eye patch

- in the garbage?
- I don't know.

Were you throwing away another parking ticket?

Okay, you have to put it on.

Why? My lazy eye is fixed.

Okay, I'm over here, and it's only one more week.

And you look tough, like a little w*rlord.

- [Car horn honks]
- Oh, that's Liam's mom.

See you after school.

Okay, papi, but promise me that you're going to wear the eye patch

- the whole day.
- I will.

I can't believe you don't trust me.

Two days ago,

I caught you trying to copy a $ bill in the printer.

Dad says I get to pick what we watch on TV when I start making my own money.

Go to school.

If you guys are ready, me and Julio will get started.

Oh, by any chance, did you guys meet down by the schoolyard?

- ♪ Me... ♪
- No... No. Okay.

[Soothing music plays]

Ohh.

Oh, that's the spot.

[Moaning] Ohhh, yeah.

Oo-o-ooh!

Now I'm remembering why we haven't had a couples massage since our honeymoon.

Aruba.

That's not where we went.

That's the noise he made.

[Growling] Arrruuuubaaaa.

Cam, could you just...

[quietly] just... shh.

- [Quietly] I'm sorry.
- Thank you.

[Moaning] Ohh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[Normal voice] Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna call it.

- Mm?
- Mm-hmm. Nope.

[Normal voice] What happened?
Was he forward?

No, I just can't relax with you making these noises.

Well, I can't relax without making the noises.

Which is why I'm leaving. Thank you, Julio, and I'm sorry. I-I didn't catch your name.

It's Aweema-weh.

Good luck to you both. Okay.

Oh, Luke! Honey, hi.

Hey, Mom. Everything all right?

Of course. I just felt like making a stop by the hallowed halls of community college.

What's with the police tape?

Oh, some frat guys decided to drive the dean's office to Burning Man.

Okay. Well, anyhoo, since we're here, before you drop that history class, could you possibly turn in an old paper of mine?

I would love to get a second opinion on it.

Sure, but you know you just did something weird and I didn't ask a single follow-up question?

Yeah.

You owe me one of those.

How'd you even get an old paper on a thumb drive?

[Scoffs] It was easy.

Ish.

The old paper was on an old format, but it was a simple matter of stringing a couple of old machines together to get what I needed.

All right.

Yes, I have been accused of having a little problem with perfectionism...

♪ It's working ♪

...but I also have a little problem with injustice, much as a certain U.S. President had a little problem

- with European Imperialism.
- Yes!

Of course when a man does it, it becomes a doctrine.

And when a woman does it, she's hysterical.

- [Marker squeaking]
- I hope you guys like counting 'crows.

Es-crows, that is.

[Laughter]

Phil: It had become a familiar sound... my devoted students laughing as one.

Only something was different this time.

It sounded like .

Could it be that I had a wobbler in my midst?

Sure enough, Paige Stevens was going through the course catalog.

If I lost her, I'd be below my minimum and lose the class.

For the sake of those dreamers, I had no choice but to unleash the Dunphy charm.

- Paige Stevens.
- Present.

Oh, we already did that part, and you nailed it.

I read your essay last night.

Whom did you study privately with?

- I'm sorry?
- Come, now, Paige.

Your insight, your grasp of the vernacular.

W-Was it Freemont?

Or perhaps one of the Europeans?

[German accent] Scharfenbrugen?

- No.
- [Normal voice] Oh, of course not.

He lives as a recluse.
He hasn't taken students in years.

[Inhales deeply] I'm simply saying that your raw instincts may be the best thing to happen to real estate since the allowing of split commissions in .

Didn't you tell us it was...

Can we for one moment have a break from the Serge show?!

Just promise me that in a few short years when you become the next Fred Dunham, that you'll come visit us?

[Exhales sharply] Do you really think...

I don't think.

I know.

From there, it was a bit of flattery, a dash of encouragement, and Paige was turned.

So, if I could paraphrase what our star pupil just pointed out, sometimes it's just a matter of finding the "dupe" in "duplex."

- [Laughter]
- And there it was again, that sweet music... people laughing.

I'll see you all next week.

Definitely.

Oh, and I am holding office hours at my house, so feel free to come by any time.

Oh, cool.

Oh, you...

Uh, Paige.

"Mrs. Paige Dunphy"?

Phil: Curses.

I'd over-wooed my wobbler.

Oh, hey.

Are we still on for dinner tonight?

Yeah, I can probably get us in to the late seating at my grandpa's country club.

Can you hold off 'til : ?

Actually, I thought maybe I could come over and cook for you.

Awesome.

Hey, there's my favorite class dad!

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

Tie my apron, will you?

My pleasure.

Uh, not my... not my pleasure, of course.

That sounds weird, and I'm not a weird man.

Mitch and Cam got in my head.

I'd had a perfectly innocent relationship with the fun mom, but then they got me feeling all guilty.

Suddenly I couldn't mention one thing in that school without it sounding like a double entendre.

Nap time?

Fun zone?

[Warily] Juice box...

I got some nice tomatoes.

Oh, yep.

- Did you spill something?
- Huh? No.

I'm just working hard on this pizza.

Guess I ought to take this off.

[Chuckles] Boy, feels naked without it.

You ever feel that way? Naked?

I really wanted to trust that Joe was wearing his eye patch, but after finding it in the garbage, I had to make sure.

I didn't want him to mess up his vision.

I think it's a big problem in this country.

Everywhere I look, there are men with googily eyes.

Let's take a selfie for the school newsletter, so...

Flash those baby blues.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Did you preheat my oven?

Not on purpose.

Well, that was quite a little snitfit back there.

Were you trying to embarrass me, or...?

Mm, is that even possible?

The singing in the restaurants, your Herbal Essence audition during the massage?

You know, you're the one who should be embarrassed.

I am. Isn't that what we're fighting about?

Look at you. You can't even put on your boxer-briefs in a men's locker room without your little terrycloth shame skirt.

[Quietly] It's called modesty, Cam.

Can you please just keep your voice down?

[Quietly] Yeah, yeah. You know what?
Well, it's all part of the same thing.

You know, I'm not embarrassing.

You're the one that's just embarrassed by everything.

That is crazy...

Ow.

- This seems worth it.
- I'm fine.

No, you're not, and it's affecting all of us.

You're constantly shushing Lily and me,

- scolding us just for living out loud.
- [Sighs]

Can we please have this conversation later?

No, we can't, because I'll be busy performing in Fathers' Follies... something else you're too self-conscious to do.

You're missing out on life, Mitchell.

You need to take off your shackles.

Let people see who you are.

I've had enough... the wandering eye, the lies.

Why was I so nervous?
I had done nothing wrong.

Sure, I engaged in some friendly e-mail banter.

I guess I realized blue shirts make my eyes sparkle.

Might have done a few push-ups in the parking lot before the pizza party, but that's for everybody.

He's trying to make a fool of me.

Sonia, I have to go.

[Cellphone beeps]

Where have you been all day?

I see what you're implying. Fine.

Her name is Laura, she means nothing to me, and the only reason my wedding ring is off is 'cause I was afraid I would lose it in her dough.

I'm sorry.

What the hell are you talking about?

Couple of e-mails. Harmless stuff.

"Park by the swings so I can help you carry stuff in."

These are what you're worrying about?

There's nothing there.

Yeah, Mitch and Cam were implying there was something weird going on.

That's crazy.

She's, like, and gorgeous.

[Laughing] Exactly.

Although, I don't think you read that e-mail the only way it could have been read.

I mean, it could've gone, [sultry voice] "Park by the swings so I can help you carry stuff in."

Sounds like she knows about your bad back.

Jay, there's no harm in a little flirting,

- especially you.
- [Normal voice] What is that supposed to mean?

You're a good man.
You have, like, a built-in alarm system.

It keeps you in the right path.

Then why did you sh**t me that look at school?

It was meant for Joe.

I worry that he doesn't have your strong conscience.

I worry that he has my family genes where we can lie and lie and lie and lie without feeling one ounce of guilt.

Y-You don't lie to me, though, do you?

Never.

[Car door opens]

Here he is now. I'll bet he comes in here and apologizes for lying.

- [Car door closes]
- Yeah, if he's like one from your family.

But if he walks in here all easy-breezy pretending that he didn't do anything wrong, he's % Ramirez, or whatever our real name is.

[Door opens]

Hey, buddy.

I'm sorry, okay?!

I lied about wearing my eye patch, and that's only the beginning!

I lied about how my bike broke.

I never walk Stella.

I tie her to the treadmill.

The last three teeth I put under my pillow were Tic-Tacs.

I'm a terrible boy.

Oh, good.

He's weak like you.

- [Applause]
- Mr. Peterson: Thank you, Tiffany's dad!

And now, please put your hands together for Lily, Harper, Zack, and Danielle's dads...

The Bees Knees!

[Kazoos playing "Flight of the Bumblebee"]

Go, Dad! Woot, woot!

I was the only dad in the audience.

It was just me and a bunch of women and children.

I felt like a coward on a life boat.

I mean, Cam was right...
I-I was missing out.

Hey, Bob. A quick favor to ask.

If you don't think Harper would mind, do you think maybe I could wear the bee costume?

Take it. I'm in the show later anyways,

- playing bass with the Grateful Dads.
- Oh.

Then good, yeah.

[Laughter]

Oh, my God. I'm so proud of you!

[Song ends, applause]

Thank you. Thank you!

And now we'd like to take a moment to remember our beloved lunch lady,

Mrs. Penny Miller.

[Cello playing "Amazing Grace"]

Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe you did that!

- That was amazing!
- Oh, stop it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa! No!

[Gasping]

Oh, God.

Did we learn nothing from the gloves?!

Sorry. No.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

[Insects chirping]

For starters, my grandmother's ravioli.

It looks amazing.

I've been saving some occasion wine in my room.

The grape character on the box is saying "Mamma Mia!"

so it should go well with Italian.

Hello, Professor.

I, uh...

I see you took me up on that open-door policy I mentioned.

Oh, I'm not here for office hours.

- This is a date.
- Of course.

I've heard things like this happened to Paul McCartney at the height of his Beatles fame.

It was a classic fatal-attraction situation.

I had to do two things.

One... get through the next minutes 'til the deadline to drop my class had passed by distracting her with light banter and enjoying her Tuscan cooking, and, two... check to see if she had beaten and restrained Claire.

I'm not coming on too strongly, am I, with this dress?

Oh. No.

Lovely.

I'm really nervous about my cooking.

If a guy doesn't eat every bite of my grandma's ravioli, I go nuts.

Well, we certainly... don't want that to happen, do we? [Chuckles]

Now, uh... where are you from?

[Muffled] Originally.

I would say Italy, but there's no accent, so, obviously, that's not the case.

Oh, Luke, Luke.

Luke, any word on my Monroe Doctrine paper?

Oh, actually, I decided not to drop that class,

- so it didn't feel right turning it in.
- Huh.

But something funny did happen.

I had your paper open on my computer.

Paige saw it and thought it was mine.

She made some really good changes.

- Changes?
- Yeah, well, she cut to the chase in a few places, cleaned up the ending.

She's a history major, you know.

- Get it.
- Mom, I'm... kind of in the middle of a dinner date.

Are you? By now you might be in the middle of a movie or a board game.

We all know how obsessed she is with changing things.

Go get the paper, Luke.

Oh, good, you're okay.

I'm not that okay.

I'm not a fan of this Paige.

- She's got some nerve.
- So you're aware.

Oh, I'm aware.
I'm aware that she has no problem putting her grubby, little paws all over something that doesn't belong to her.

- I can see you're upset.
- I am.

I'm upset because I basically took the most boring thing in history and made it interesting.

She thinks she can just come in here and just make it hers.

- No.
- Feels a little hurtful, but she is my student, and I have a lot at stake here,

- so can I please just handle this myself?
- [Sighs]

You didn't miss much with the ravioli.

The showstopper is my branzino.

It smells great.

We don't get to have fish around here.

My dad hates it.

Well, this one's a family recipe, so if you don't like it, I'll pretty much have to drop you.

Well... let's not have any of that crazy... talk.

Two minutes to deadline.

I couldn't let her drop my class!

Now [clears throat]

...back... [breathing shakily]

...[muffled] to where you're from.

Encino.

Oh. [Gags]

[Quietly] Damn it.

Mom, don't be mad at her. She was just...

No, she made it better.

What was I thinking with this sentence?

"The esteemed barrister's argument was as layered as the cuffs on his after-dinner breeches"?

That is the third time I mentioned breeches.

What was I going through?

- Can I go now?
- [Sighing] Yeah.

Oh, wait, honey.

I like this girl for you.

She deserves better than boxed wine.

Haley keeps a nice bottle under her bed.

You really seemed to like that.

- Oh, yeah.
- I could make another one, but it would take a while.

Let's see. It's : now...

Oh, thank God.

Paige, we have to talk.

I-I may have sent some signals I didn't mean to send.

Nonetheless, some of your behavior has been a little inappropriate, frankly, kind of disrespectful to my wife.

Oh, wait, hang on. Hang on.

I changed my mind about that.

I am not mad at you.

All you did was take an interest in something that I should have dropped years ago.

- Um, Claire.
- And can I say something else?

I'm all in favor of this relationship.

- Claire?
- I don't want to jinx it, but I think you could be exactly what he needs.

I know, he may look like a man, but, honestly, in a lot of ways, he's still just a little boy.

Complete mess in the bedroom.

Although, here's a tip for you.

He actually does respond well if you stay on top of him.

- So, you're okay with...
- Absolutely.

As a certain U.S. president once said, "Let the era of good feelings commence."

Oh, my God! This is the best day ever!

Phil: Oh!

Huh.

Huh.

So, it turns out Paige was only making dinner for me so she could get close to my dad.

I am sorry, buddy, but I did warn everyone about the Dunphy charm.

It's also a little interesting that Paige's Realtor dad abandoned the family

- when she was .
- Seems irrelevant.

He also dabbled in magic.

Now we're just having two separate conversations.

Did you know her last three boyfriends were ?

Maybe spend a little less time with your nose in that psych book and a little more time being sexy.

Ah, ah, ah. You'll get this back when your homework is done.

Joe, what is this?

Just some notes from my friend Hannah.

Friend? This doesn't sound to me like that.

This is very flirty.

Let me see that.

"Dear, Joe, want to share half my Fruit Roll-Up?"

Well, this is just kids being kids.

Ay, don't be a fool.

[Sultry voice] "Dear Joe, wanna share half my Fruit Roll-Up?"

That's a different spin on it.

Where's that voice been?

Try this one.

"It was so fun running at recess."

"Randy's rash is really gross."

Maybe we should go upstairs.

Watch your movie, Joe.