11x16 - The Neonatal Nomenclature

[bunniefuu]

Howie?

Howie, wake up.

It's time.

Oh.

Did your water break?

No.

Are you feeling any contractions?

No.

Wait.

Well, where are you going?

To the hospital.

Today's my due date, and this crap needs to end now.

Honey, babies don't always come on their due date.

Halley was two weeks late.

But this baby's a boy.

They don't take as long to get ready.

(laughs)

What are you doing?

I'm making the situation better with humor.

Are you?

Would you rather me make it better with magic?

- Go back to sleep.

- Ta-da!

(snaps fingers)

You know, I hear that sex can induce labor.

Anything for my family.

♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪

♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

I believe today is Bernadette's due date.

Yeah.

How do you know that?

Easy.

weeks from the date of her last period.

And why do you know that?

Well, excuse me for taking an interest in people.

(scoffs softly)

So, any day now.

Oh, I don't know.

We went to the doctor this morning, and she said it could still be another week or two.

How's Bernadette holding up?

It's pretty rough.

She's having a hard time.

Why are you smiling?

I had sex twice last night.

That's not fair!

She's on bed rest.

She can't run away.

It was her idea.

She read that it can start labor.

Hmm.

Is that true?

Well, I would have Googled it, but I was busy taking my pants off.

Yeah, not to brag, but Amy's last birthday brought my coital tally up to four.

Whatever you're doing, it's not bragging.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey, I was just talking about you.

Oh, should I ask?

You should not.

I'm trying to get our grant proposal together.

Any chance you've finished up those mechanical drawings?

Oh, sorry.

I was gonna do it last night, but I got kind of busy.

Yeah, you did.

What are they talking about?

I'll give you a hint.

It's something that we have done four times.

Watched La La Land? What?

No.

No.

I've not watched La La Land four times.

If you find the soundtrack on my phone, that's just 'cause our iTunes accounts are linked.

Looks like I might have a little more time before the baby gets here, so why don't we just stay late and get it done?

Well, I don't want you to leave Bernadette alone.

Oh, we can hang out and keep her company.

- Yeah, absolutely.

- See, see.

Look at my Netflix queue.

There's two documentaries and the movie Friends with Benefits, which I thought was a documentary about employer health care plans.

PENNY: Hey, Bernie, it's me.

I let myself in.

Hey.

What are you doing?

I thought you were supposed to be on bed rest.

That's done, but I've been on stair rest for the last minutes.

Here, let me help you.

Yeah.

If you really want to help, put on a rubber glove, reach on up there and start pulling.

I know you're joking, but I grew up on a farm.

I'll do it.

Oh, I just want this to be over.

You know, when my yoga instructor was pregnant, she told me there are tons of poses that put her right into labor.

I'll try, but I feel like bendy poses are what got me into this mess.

Okay, we're gonna start with some nice breathing exercises.

(inhales, exhales)

Sorry.

I can't think of anything except how flat your belly is.

Oh, thank you.

Go put on some more clothes, you bitch.

Okay, we go down...

and back up.

And back up!

Yeah, hearing you is not the problem.

Put that phone away!

Smile.

(camera clicks)

I'm telling you, there's an acupressure point right above your ankle that can induce contractions.

All right, but just a warning.

My feet are a little swollen.

Oh, please, Bernadette.

I'm sure this-- okay.

What?

Nothing.

Your ankles look fine, and not at all like I just popped open a can of crescent rolls.

My mother believes that if you're not prepared mentally, it can delay your body from going into labor.

So what are you trying to say?

It's my fault?

(sighs)

Raj is crazy.

Your ankles aren't that gross.

Hello.

Let me guess.

You're here to try to get me to go into labor.

Oh, please.

I'm disgusted when people sneeze, and that's just stuff coming out of their nose.

No.

I am here to sit with you and keep you company.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, by playing the most complicated board game ever invented: Campaign for North Africa.

I bought it off eBay.

It smells a little like chili, but all the pieces are there.

Come on, baby.

Get out here right now and I'll buy you a pony.

Are there any engineers on the grant committee?

I don't know.

Why?

I didn't have time to figure out the three-input hydraulic manifold, so this diagram is really just a flux capacitor from Back to the Future. I'm sorry this is on such short notice.

Hey, I just wish I could be there when you present it.

That's okay.

It's more important that you spend time with Michael.

Who's Michael?

Uh, your son?

No, it's not.

(chuckles)

My son doesn't have a name yet.

Okay, well, then, Bernadette's son.

I can't believe her.

She knows I don't want to name the baby after her dad.

- What did you want to name him?

- I don't know.

We were gonna wait until we saw what he looked like.

Well, it's a baby.

Her dad's a wrinkly bald man.

That wasn't gonna break your way.

Ah, come on!

Welcome to the next five to eight weeks of your life.

Sheldon, I said I didn't want to play your game.

Well, then don't think of it as a game.

Think of it as a source of information about one of the lesser known campaigns of World w*r II.

You're right.

That's so much better.

I know, right?

Okay, first, we need to roll to determine the weather.

It's a desert.

Isn't it gonna be hot?

(humming)

Yes.

Michael?

Really, you think we're naming him Michael?

Not now, Howard.

I'm in the middle of a game.

You wish.

You are hundreds of hours away from the middle.

I can't believe you're trying to hijack our son's name.

Bernie?

BERNADETTE: This is as fast as I move!

Calm down!

So you're just gonna name him Michael?

Were you even gonna tell me?

I told you.

When?

Oh, right.

That was Amy.

What's wrong with Michael?

It's my dad's name.

I don't want to name our son after your father.

I didn't want to say this, but he's dying.

He is?

Eventually.

I mean, you see the way the man eats.

Okay, is this the hormones, or have you always been a lunatic?

I don't even know anymore.

Bernie, this is our kid's name.

I think we should both agree.

You're right.

We both made this baby.

Thank you.

And I carried it, had to stay in bed for four months, sacrificed my body and my job, and soon it's gonna burst its way out of me like the Kool-Aid Man.

Exactly.

Fifty-fifty.

(quietly): I think I got Bernadette in trouble.

Maybe we should go.

I-I can't.

She and I are playing Campaign for North Africa.

(sighs)

She doesn't want to play that.

Hmm?

Neither did the Egyptians, but that didn't stop Rommel.

(door opens)

Hey!

I brought Chinese.

And I brought Indian.

What are you guys doing here?

Sheldon texted and said Bernadette wanted us all to come over.

The game's best with five to ten players.

Okay, if it's not Michael, then what do you want to name him?

Harry, like Potter or Houdini.

It doesn't bother you that I have an old boyfriend named Harry?

Okay.

(clears throat)

How 'bout Al or Max or...

Ted or Kevin?

Same answer.

Hey, Bernadette, it's your turn.

Penny's air force is strafing your supply line in Tobruk.

We're kind of busy.

Oh. 'Kay.

But you're being pretty rude.

Everyone did come over to play this game with you.

You know, I always thought Christian was a nice name.

I don't know.

Sounds a little too uncircumcised.

Bernadette, it's your turn.

What about Greg?

All right, I'll just roll for you.

Ooh!

That is a good one!

Your troops' morale rating is pretty high.

Now, Leonard, as the defender, we need to subtract your morale rating from Bernadette's to get a final adjusted morale rating for the as*ault.

And I will just check the as*ault differential column.

Ooh!

Who said w*r was hell?

Yeah, that's a rhetorical question.

Sherman said it.

What about Sherman?

Like, Sherman Wolowitz.

Yeah, that's a kid who's gonna take his mother to prom.

Hey, Howard, you did that, right?

I didn't take her.

She chaperoned.

(chuckles)

We slow-danced once.

What about Paul?

Paul.

Paul Wolowitz.

I like it.

Ooh, like "Koothra-Paul-i." Okay, you ruined it.

All right, that moves us on to the tactical shipping phase.

Penny, I believe, as logistics commander, that's you.

Okay.

I surrender.

Nice try, Penny.

It takes more than everybody not enjoying it to stop a game with Sheldon Cooper.

Sheldon, we're talking about something important here.

(sighs)

Fine.

If you pick a baby name, can we get back to playing?

Sure.

All right, here we go.

Ranatanata.

You can't name him Ranatanata.

Oh, right, it's a boy.

That'd be ridiculous.

(gasps)

What about Ozymandias?

Are you making these up or having a stroke?

Ozymandias is from a poem by Percy Bysshe Shelley.

Oh, oh!

Bysshe Wolowitz.

Solved.

Back to the game.

Heyo!

Sandstorm!

Some people name their kids after places.

Like what, Walla Walla Wolowitz?

If you think that is better than Ozymandias Wolowitz, then you have been breathing in the poisonous gas that my troops illegally dispersed.

Ooh!

You okay?

Uh, I think that was a contraction.

Is it time?

Do we need to go to the hospital?

No.

We've been through this before.

My water hasn't even broken yet.

Never mind your water.

Has your mucus plug popped out?

Ew, no!

SHELDON: Oh, you're right.

We probably would've heard that.

It's not a champagne cork.

Although that would be festive.

You know what, maybe we should go.

Did you have another contraction?

No.

I'm just worried that Sheldon's gonna say "mucus plug" again.

And I'm worried one's gonna hit me in the eye.

Yep, it's time.

Should we take two cars?

Uh, actually, could you stay here and watch Halley?

That way we don't have to wait for Bernadette's parents.

Yeah, you guys go.

We'll take care of her.

You have nothing to worry about.

Well, not nothing.

There are U-boats approaching the Suez Canal.

It's too late for us.

Go, go!

Save yourselves!

Suez?

Birth?

It's a big night for canals.

How you feeling?

Eh.

But I am really excited to meet our son.

Me, too.

I thought I'd be super freaked out.

But I'm ready for this.

Well, not the part where you're in labor and you squeeze my fingers till they turn blue.

(chuckles)

I'm sorry.

That must be really painful for you.

It is.

I mean, last time, I...

Okay, I see what you're doing.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

(groans, hisses)

It's a big one.

Just breathe.

(moans, hisses)

(panting)

Okay.

Okay, I'm good.

I'm sorry I tried to sneak the name past you.

That's okay.

I'm sorry I used up so many good names in college.

I was really competitive with my roommate.

Forget about it.

(chuckles)

Please.

You know what, maybe we're putting too much pressure on this.

It doesn't matter what we name him.

He's gonna be amazing.

You're right.

This kid is part you and part me.

Yeah.

He's gonna be smart and kind and funny.

If he cracks five-foot-six, it'll be a miracle.

I've always liked the name Elliott.

Sorry, can't have it.

That's my boy name.

I said it first.

It's not like calling dibs.

Yes, it is.

It's exactly like that.

Dibs on Elliott.

I-I'm just saying, we might get there first.

You only have sex once a year.

I'll probably have sex tonight.

Fine, you can have Elliott.

When did you pick out our kids' names?

Remember that day you moved into the building?

(chuckles)

Yes.

A non-creepy amount of time after that.

Yeah, I like the name Elliott.

That wasn't on my list, but I like it.

We've heard your names.

They're ridiculous.

And I have a cousin named Dilip.

Well, I wasn't going to give them any of the good names.

I'm saving those for us.

Really?

You've thought about our kids?

Of course.

I think you and I will have exceptional children.

Aw.

Well, I think so, too.

How many kids do you guys want?

- Two.

- What?

- (stammers)

Don't worry.

I don't expect you to bear them all.

I'm sure we can find a suitable uterus to rent.

- No!

- Uh-uh!

We weren't thinking about you.

Of course not.

(grunts)

I am going to the kitchen.

Can I get anybody anything?

Penny, nice glass of milk and a multivitamin?

SHELDON: Guys.

Guys, wake up.

Terrible news.

Oh, my God.

What, what, what?

Is it the baby?

No.

No, no, we miscalculated our unassigned armor class units.

We need to start over.

What?

Oh, no, no, no, not from the beginning.

Just from when the tanks started moving.

(sighs)

That was five hours ago.

Mm, no.

No, that was two hours ago.

It only feels like five.

What time is it?

It's almost : .

Don't you think we should've heard something?

I'm sure they're fine.

I'm calling them.

(clears throat)

(line ringing)

Hey!

(chuckles)

Hey, everything okay?

Yeah!

The baby was born about an hour ago.

(gasps)

Dude, why didn't you call me?!

(chuckles)

The only way I would see my son for the first time and immediately think "I need to call Raj" is if he came out brown.

You know, it can take some time for pigment to form.

You're still not out of the woods.

Congratulations!

Yeah.

Hey, what'd you name him?

Neil Michael.

Neil for Armstrong, Gaiman, and Diamond.

Michael because Bernie had to get six stitches.

Neil-- that's cute.

BERNADETTE: But we're calling him Michael!

(sighs)

I'm not gonna fight her.

That kid's head was the size of a cantaloupe.