11x23 - The Sibling Realignment

[bunniefuu]

That's not right.

That's so unreasonable.

Yeah, well, if you're going to be like this, then I don't want to talk to you right now, either.

Okay.

I love you.

Bye.

Amazon customer support?

No, my mother.

Guess who she's insisting we invite to our wedding.

Jesus?

If only.

My brother.

Wait a minute.

You didn't invite your brother to your own wedding?

He tormented me my whole childhood.

I don't think I should reward that type of behavior with a slice of wedding cake in the shape of the Millennium Falcon.

Try again.

A slice of wedding cake in the shape of a cake.

Look, he may have been mean to you when you were kids, but you're both grown men now.

That's right.

I'm a grown-up, and if I don't want to invite him to my wedding, then I won't.

Okay.

Except I have to 'cause my mommy's making me.

♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

Okay, so each welcome bag gets a schedule of events, a map, and chocolate from me.

And from Sheldon, a bottle of Purell...

...the number for Poison Control in case someone accidentally drinks the Purell, and a laminated table of elements because the American school system is a failure.

How many out-of-town guests are there gonna be?

I'm actually not sure.

Turns out Sheldon didn't invite his brother.

Mm.

Now it's starting to sound like a wedding.

And his mom said she won't come if his brother's not there.

Ooh, now it's starting to sound like a good wedding.

WOLOWITZ: Hey, Bernie.

Hey.

How do you know if someone has pink eye?

Um, their eye would be red, swollen and probably oozy.

Okay, thanks.

Both kids have pink eye.

Oh, no.

You stop right there.

I'm getting married in a week; you are not giving me pink eye.

I don't have pink eye.

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Step away from the bride.

(chuckles): Okay.

I'll go back upstairs.

Get in the shower and then take those clothes and burn them.

Yeah, and all the rest of your clothes!

Ah, worth a sh*t.

So am I gonna be, like, the only single guy at Sheldon's wedding?

No.

There-There'll be a lot of single people there.

Stuart, Amy's great-aunt...

Although, Stuart's already friended her on Facebook, so, better move quick.

I got to find a date.

I don't want to be that sad single friend that everyone looks at with pity.

Uh, I'm-I'm afraid that ship may have sailed.

Leonard, you have a brother, right?

Yes.

Is he the worst?

Is he an unspeakable abomination?

Does the very thought of him make your skin crawl?

Well, he laughs at his own jokes, but otherwise he's okay.

Sheldon, what's going on?

I'm trying to invite my stupid brother to my wedding and he's avoiding my calls.

You don't know he's avoiding your calls.

(line ringing)

GEORGE JR.: Hey, you've reached George Cooper.

Please leave a message, unless this is Sheldon again, in which case, please try me on my other number, - -suck-it.

See?

And I know that's not a real number because why would it be toll-free?

Sheldon, you tried.

What more could you have done?

Hey, why didn't you invite him in the first place?

You don't know what it was like growing up with him.

I get it; I grew up with lots of brothers.

My brother Adoot was especially mean.

Really?

I've never heard you mention Adoot.

Yeah, sure I have.

He's the one who left the door open when we were kids, and my pet mongoose ran away.

Stupid Adoot.

Look, uh, short of getting on a plane and flying there, what does your mother expect you to do?

I kept saying no.

H-H-How am I here?

Hey, did I tell you?

- I found a date.

- To the wedding?

Uh, to coffee.

But if things go well, Sheldon and Amy's wedding.

Aren't you worried it's a little intense to ask someone you just met to go to a wedding?

(sighs)

I'm running out of time.

Wh-Wh-Why can't there be a service where you can just pay someone to be your date for the evening?

Like an escort service?

No, no, no.

Y-You wouldn't be paying for sex.

I mean, obviously if things went well, it could lead to sex, but, but the money is for, like, you know, her time and companionship.

Oh, I get it...

an escort service.

Stop saying that.

Stop meaning it.

WOLOWITZ: Hey, Raj, remember when you borrowed my VR goggles the other day?

Yeah.

(sighs)

Probably shouldn't have done that.

So, wait, y-your brother is Dr.

Tire?

Yes, and, apparently, it only takes half a semester of community college to get that particular doctorate.

We passed three of these stores on the way here.

Why did you say he's just "some loser who sells tires"?

You're right, that was unfair.

He's a loser who sells more tires than anyone in Texas.

Oh, excuse me.

Uh, we're looking for a Georgie Cooper.

One second, I'll check to see if the doctor's in.

He is not a doctor.

(scoffs)

There's only one doctor here and it's me.

I'm also a doctor.

Do you want to wait in the car?

I wanted to wait in California.

So, is this Georgie?

Yes.

And what is he even using that stethoscope to listen to?

I don't know, small leak?

All right, that makes sense.

What the hell are you doing here?

Hello, Georgie.

It's just George now.

Fine, George.

No, I don't like it-- Georgie.

I see you haven't changed one bit.

Thank you, that is a nice thing to say.

Hey, I'm Leonard.

I'm here for-for no reason.

What do you want, Sheldon?

Why aren't you returning my phone calls?

You're supposed to be the smart one; you figure it out.

He's not that kind of smart.

You might want to give him a hint.

We haven't talked in over ten years, and now that you need something, you think you can just show up at my store?

Well, let's just drop everything to accommodate Sheldon.

Nice try, but I am not a gullible little boy anymore.

I can recognize sarcasm.

Okay.

You're right.

I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.

Tell me what you need.

Your wish is my command.

That's better, thank you.

(Skype ringing)

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I got it, too.

Wow.

You really can't keep your hands off Howard, can you?

I know, I have a problem.

I just wanted to make sure you and Amy didn't get it.

(quietly): Well, I didn't get it.

You infected me a week before my wedding.

What am I supposed to do about this?

Wear a veil?

(laughs)

It's not funny.

Look at what you've done to me!

Ah, hey.

Could you just, like, not touch my computer or...

like, anything else.

I just, ugh, I don't want to look like that in your wedding photos.

There aren't gonna be any wedding photos.

My fiancé's a germophobe.

If he finds out I'm contagious, he'll never come back from Texas.

What if we tell him the theme of the wedding is Walking Dead and this is our zombie makeup?

That'll probably work.

We'll call that plan B.

Oh, well...

(clears throat)

Turns out this is gonna come in handy after all.

Hold up.

I-I'm confused.

You didn't want me at your wedding, but now that Mom won't come, you want me there.

I know you don't hear this a lot, but that is exactly right.

Good job.

Not helping, Sheldon.

Listen here, you want me at your wedding, all you got to do is ask nicely.

(sighs)

- Georgie.

- George.

(groans)

I would like you at my wedding.

Thank you, Sheldon.

That is so nice to hear.

But I would rather swallow a pregnant wildcat and crap out a litter of kittens.

It is fitting that you got into tires, because you are tiresome.

Sheldon, come on.

Was that too mean?

No, not too mean, not too good either.

No, Mother.

That's not fair.

But he told...

Yes, ma'am.

But I said...

Yes, ma'am.

Good-bye.

What'd she say?

She's not getting in the middle of it because we "boys need to work it out ourselves." Oh, maybe it's fine if she doesn't come to the wedding.

I've got Amy now, and she can do everything a mom can do and more.

Say that to her on the wedding night.

Really spice things up.

This is all Georgie's fault.

My whole childhood, he was mean to me.

Sorry.

I know what it's like to live with a bully.

Your brother bullied you?

Oh, I was talking about Penny, but sure, yeah.

Once, when I was eight, I was going to dress as my favorite scientist for Halloween, and Georgie threw my costume away.

I had to wear a sheet and go as a ghost.

Scared myself all night long.

Well, look, we don't fly out until the morning.

Why don't I try and talk to him, give it one more sh*t?

All right.

But if he says, - "Nerd says what," don't answer him.

- What?

You are a lamb to the slaughter.

So, how was your date?

It was going well until my eye dripped in her latte.

We're so sorry we ruined your date.

Oh, boo-hoo.

His date got ruined.

I'm about to get married, and look at me.

It looks like it's getting better.

Oh, does it?

Does it look like that with your two clear eyes?

I'm sorry.

Are you mad that I don't have pink eye?

What do you think?

BOTH: Yes!

Uh-huh.

Okay.

(knocking)

Okay.

Uh, uh, listen, I hear you.

I know they're pricey, but these are the Dallas Cowboys of tires, okay?

And we're talking the Troy Aikman Cowboys, not that pretty boy Tony Romo.

All right.

Good call.

You won't regret it.

Boom!

(laughs)

Wow.

That was impressive.

Yeah.

Well, it's easy when you love your product and hate Tony Romo.

(laughs)

Yeah, that guy's the...

Actually, I don't, I don't know who that guy is.

If you are here about Sheldon's wedding, don't bother.

Come on.

I-I know you two have your differences.

You mean pretty much everything about us?

Well, not everything.

(laughs)

You're both tall, you have the same last name.

Maybe I shouldn't have started this like it was a list.

You have no idea what you are talking about.

Ooh, there-- that-that was very Sheldon.

Look, I-I'm sure he was not the easiest brother to have, but it wasn't easy for him either, with you picking on him all the time.

(laughing)

Picking on him?

Is that what he told you?

Well, what about the time you threw away his Halloween costume?

Well, yeah, 'cause he was gonna dress as some girl scientist.

Madame Curie?

Oh, I didn't know she was a madam.

Come on.

He was still gonna get b*at up for wearing that dress.

Well, didn't you sit on his head while he tried to watch Star Trek? Well, yeah, but that was hilarious.

That is pretty hilarious, yeah.

Look, I mean, I always looked out for him at school.

I drove him everywhere.

I apologized to people when he was rude.

Yeah.

I've done all that.

I've also removed all the red balloons from his Lucky Charms because they weren't "Irish enough." - All right.

So you know what I'm talking about.

And has he ever thanked you?

Not in so many words, or any words.

Would it k*ll him to actually say it?

No.

No, it wouldn't k*ll him.

Leonard, you know how I got the money to open up my first store?

I busted my ass for it, 'cause all the extra money that we had had to go to Sheldon so he could go to college and he could go study in Germany.

And do you know what he's never said to me?

Danke schon? It's, uh, "thank you" in German.

Do you need me to sit on your head?

Nope.

After all my sacrifices, guess which kid my mom is the most proud of.

If it makes you feel any better, my mom's most proud of Sheldon, too, so...

Leonard, you want a beer?

Yeah, I would love a beer.

There you go.

Thanks.

Can you open it for me?

No, it's a twist-off.

I know.

Hey!

I got all the beads to the other side.

It's not a puzzle, Penny.

Do you really want to be touching that?

Do you know how many sick kids...?

You know, never mind.

Knock yourself out.

(phone chimes)

Bernadette says they're checking the kids now.

You know, maybe we didn't all need to come.

Hey, whatever kind of pink eye their kids have, I have, and I need to know.

And if it's viral, I'm screwed.

Maybe not.

You know, I know it's not traditional wedding attire, but how about a welder's mask?

KOOTHRAPPALI: If you know a welder, that could be your "something borrowed." (door opens)

Great news!

It's bacterial!

- Yeah!

- Yeah.

- Yes!

- Yeah.

- Yes.

(whooping)

What are you doing?!

Wash your hands!

Oh.

Not you.

Hello.

Room service?

I'm calling about the club sandwich on your menu.

No, I-I don't want one.

I just want you to spell it correctly.

Unless the "club" is the Poor Typing Club.

Okay.

Now let's discuss this % "gratooty"?

Yeah-- well, that was rude.

Someone just lost their gratooty.

(sighs)

Sheldon, you need to apologize to your brother.

- I'm sorry?

- Yes.

Like that, but nicer, and that way.

I have nothing to apologize for.

(scoffs)

I told you this was a bad idea.

Sometimes you can't patch a tire.

You just got to buy a new one.

Actually, that's always the case.

Never patch, buy new.

While I appreciate your folksy tire wisdom, I don't appreciate what you're putting Mom through.

What would you know about what Mom's been through?

You were never home.

Yeah, this is good.

- Get it all out.

- Not now!

- Shut up!

You went away to college after Dad d*ed.

Who do you think took care of everything?

Mom did.

Mom always took care of everything.

Mom was a mess, Missy was a dumb teenager.

I had to look after both of 'em.

I talked to Mom all the time.

If she was upset, she would have told me.

She was protecting you, you idiot, just like everyone always does.

If things were bad, then why didn't you tell me?

Because I was protecting you, too.

(sighs)

You're my baby brother, Sheldon.

I know life has been hard for you, but that don't mean it's been easy for the rest of us.

I suppose I didn't think about how it was for everyone else.

No, that's all right.

I know you didn't.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

And it would mean a lot to me to have my big brother at my wedding.

I wouldn't miss it.

(voice breaking): Is it me, or did we just patch a tire?

He said, "Never patch." Do you even listen?

(Skype ringing)

Hey, how's it going?

Really good.

Georgie's going to come to the wedding.

Oh, that's great!

Why aren't you looking at the camera?

Oh, you know, I'm just working on my peripheral vision.

Well, that is nonsense.

Your peripheral vision is fine.

Are those women's magazines making you feel bad about yourself again?

Yup, that is what's happening.

I have told you before, those women are airbrushed to make it look like they have good vision.

Hey, I-I was thinking, now that you and your brother made up, there's no reason to rush home.

Maybe you and Leonard could, could stay for, uh...

two to three more fun-filled days there.

That's a great idea!

Hey, Leonard, good news.

We do have time to visit the Museum of the American Railroad!

I'd say no, but what's the point?

Ooh.

You might not want to get too close.

Pink eye.

Me, too!

- Bacterial?

- Yeah.

Same!

(laughs)

I-I know this is gonna sound crazy, but...

would you be interested in going to a wedding with me?