12x11 - The Paintball Scattering

[bunniefuu]

Champagne, a champagne,

a champagne with a packet of Splenda in it.

- You know what I call this drink?
- A waste of champagne?

No. A Dr. Cooper.

Because...

He's also sweet and bubbly.

All right.

A... a toast to Sheldon and Amy and the publication of your super-asymmetry paper.

We are so proud of you guys.

- Cheers. - Thanks.
- Yay. Boom.

Ooh! That is PhD-licious.

So, have you guys gotten any feedback yet?

Well, there are some comments online, but we haven't read them.
We decided we don't care what people say about our work.

PENNY: Good for you.

People online can be so mean.

I posted a picture of myself on Instagram, and some jerk said I looked so skinny I might disappear.

And yet, somehow she soldiers on.

Mm.

Although, Amy and I did give the world a gift.

It would be nice to read some of the thank-you notes.

I'm surprised you're interested in some stranger's opinion.

Well, as I always say, a stranger's just a friend who hasn't complimented me yet.

AMY:
Okay.

- I'll read them.
- If any of them

accuse you of being too pretty, Penny can help you through it.

Okay, here's one from Dr. Saltzberg at UCLA.

Wait, no, stop. I don't want to know.
What if he's mean?

Well, what if he's complimentary?

I want to know.

Okay. He says...

- I don't want to know.
- All right, just... let me see it.

Okay, this is... this is really positive.

Wow, it's,

like, really positive.

He says it might be the discovery of the decade.

He's right.
They love it!

This is so exciting.

Oh, this may be the Dr. Cooper talking, but pour me another Dr. Cooper.

♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

Hey, Penny and I were thinking of getting a big paintball game together.

(groans): Oh, Leonard, why does she want to sh**t you?

She doesn't want to sh**t me.

- Who doesn't want to sh**t you?
- Penny.

No, that doesn't sound right.

She just wants to play paintball.

It combines my love of whimsy with her love of making grown men cry.

Sounds fun.
Bernadette and I are in.

- You don't need to ask her?
- No. I've been pretty annoying lately.

She's gonna want to sh**t me.

Dr. Cooper.

Ah, President Siebert.

What are you doing in the regular cafeteria?

You're a superstar.

No offense, worker bees.

SIEBERT: You should join me in my private dining room.

Dr. Fowler is already there.

Can I bring my friends?

No.

- Can I bring my tater tots?
- Yes.

All right, let's go.

Welcome to the inner sanctum.

Oh, I do love a good sanctum.

Sheldon, look at my fruit plate.
It's got kiwi on it.

Ugh. I don't like kiwi.

Neither do I, but it's so fancy.

Well, this is nice.

Why have we waited so long to do this?

Because you never invited us.

Ha-ha-ha!

Well, the important thing is you're here now, and we're so excited about your work.

This paper's going to do big things for all of us,

so if there's anything that you need...

You know, actually, I could use some barbecue sauce for my tots.

Oh, wait. No. Ketchup.

Can we have some barbecue sauce and ketchup over here?

Both?

So this is how the other half lives.

I just want you to know that you have our full support, and we're organizing a big media push.

Articles.
Interviews.

Oh, you want us to do interviews?

Well, we're thinking a divide-and-conquer approach here, where you do the interviews, and Sheldon stays here and holds down the fort.

You know... in case there's an emergency.

What kind of an emergency would there be in physics?

I don't know, maybe there's an object in motion that won't stay in motion.

Or a reaction that's equal but not opposite.

It sounds like you don't want Sheldon to do the interviews.

It's not that we don't want Sheldon to do the interviews, it's just that we really want you to do the interviews.

Without Sheldon.
(stammers)

Now, wait, wait, are you trying to exclude me?

Look, Sheldon, you're a brilliant man, but your people skills are...

This is not barbecue sauce!

This is steak sauce!
What are you trying to pull?

Like that.

This is ridiculous.

It is my work, too, and I am perfectly capable of keeping it together for an interview.

Okay. Say somebody asks if you feel your work is derivative of the work of Professor Joseph Polchinski.

Seriously, can we get this man some barbecue sauce!?

Would you mind stocking these?

Actually, I'm not on the clock today.

I'm just hanging out with my boyfriend.

Ah, cool. Huh.

That's me, right?

Oh, I forgot to tell you--

I broke up with you, and now I'm dating... that guy.

I know you're joking, but my flight-or-flight response doesn't.

Isn't it fight-or-flight?

Not for me.

So I told my mom she just needed to back off.

This is our wedding, and if anyone's gonna design the floral arrangements, it's going to be my man.

Thank you.

I mean, I-I'm not trying to be a groomzilla, but... this is my specialty.

(phone rings)

Someone texting you?

Uh, no. It's just my, uh, doorbell camera.

Oh. I got one of those for my place, but I never installed it.

Oh, it's easy.
I can do it for you.

You're gonna love it.
It's how I found out a raccoon was stealing my cheese-of-the-month club.

What did you do?

Nothing. I didn't want to piss it off.

It was, like, huge from eating all the cheese.

Hey. We're doing a big paintball game on Saturday if you two want to join.

Oh, my roommate asked me to help her move out on Saturday.

Ugh. That sucks.

Sucks for her.
I'm playing paintball.

I-I didn't know your roommate was moving out.

Yeah. I've been looking for a new one, but... so far no luck.

You hear that?

She needs a roommate.

(mumbling)

(mumbling)

What do you think, Stuart?

(mumbling):
Uh, i-i-it, uh...

Flight.

Flight.

- That was hard to watch.
- Yeah.

Okay, I need you to be honest with me.

How do I look?

A little shorter, but as we age that happens to all of us.

Come on, help me out here.

I've got a bunch of interviews today.

Well, no one'll notice.
They never met you before.

Sheldon, I'm nervous, and I wish you were coming with me.

If it helps, I wrote up some possible questions and answers for you.

"Whom do you love more, "Sheldon the scientist or Sheldon the man?

"Answer: Sheldon the scientist, but by such a slim margin that it's statistically insignificant."

Well, you really managed to capture my voice.

Well, don't worry. I'm sure you're gonna do great.

Thank you.

- Okay, bye.
- Wait-wait-wait.

- You forgot the cards.
- Love you, too.

Really? She asked you to move in with her?

Yeah, she was hinting around about it, but I think I handled it pretty well.

"Pretty well"?

You ran out of there so fast, if it was a cartoon, there would have been a Stuart-shaped hole in the wall.

Was she mad?

Uh, no. I talked to her after.

She said she's fine.

- Oh, no. - Yikes!
- You'll find someone new.

(phone rings)

Everything okay?

Yeah, it's just Anu's doorbell camera.

I helped her install it.

You can't look at it.
That's spying.

Who the hell is this guy?

Ooh, let me see.

He's got... bags.

He's probably just delivering food.

Why is she hugging him?

Maybe she doesn't have tip money?

W-Wait, why is she inviting him into the house?

She's a good tipper?

Do you ever feel guilty that we get to eat in the fancy dining room while our friends have to eat in the regular one?

Yes. Wait, did you say "guilty" or "happy"?

"Guilty."

Oh, then no.

In fact, take a picture of me with the garlic knots to send them.

There's my MVP--

Most Valuable Physicist.

(chuckles): Thank you.

And my star of NPR Science Friday and a potpourri of popular podcasts.

I don't know if I'd use the word "star."

I would. I got an early look at the interview you did for Wired, and it is glowing.
They loved you.

That's great.
Thanks for telling me.

Congratulations, Amy.

- I'm so proud of you.
- And that headline--

"The Neurobiologist Who Revolutionized Physics."

I'm sorry.
The who who did what to-- huh?

Oh, hey, how did your interview go?

Okay, I guess.

You don't sound very happy.

Oh, why wouldn't she be happy?

She's the neurobiologist who revolutionized physics.

Sorry.

This should be fun. I've never played before.

Oh, fair warning-- it can get pretty ugly out there.

Okay, well, remember, I'm your fiancée.

(laughing):
Oh, I remember. Do you?

All right, we need two teams.

Who wants to be the captain?

Oh, me.

Uh, sure.
Why not?

All right, why don't you pick first?

Okay, um... Leonard.

Yeah?

No, I'm picking you.

First? For a team?

What is happening?

All right,
I take Bernadette.

Really?
You're picking her over me?

Yeah, 'cause she's vicious and can hide behind a mushroom.

Um... Sheldon.

PENNY:
Raj.

DENISE:
Amy.

PENNY:
I'll take Anu.

Howard.

All rightie.

Come on, pick me, pick me.

I will take... Stuart!

Yes!

Okay, guys, we need some people to stay here and guard the flag and some people to move out and try to capture theirs.

Okay. Sheldon, do you want to stay here and...?

What? Hold down the fort?
'Cause that's all I'm good for.

Is that what you were going to say?

You know that's not what he meant.

Oh, why don't you go out there?

Maybe you'll be the neurobiologist who revolutionizes paintball.

Stop it.
You're being ridiculous.

Am I? Maybe it's just my poor people skills.

Oh, it's definitely your poor people skills.

All right, the choices are-- get sh*t at or stay here and listen to them fight.

LEONARD and DENISE and WOLOWITZ: sh*t at.

(distant sh**ting)

(grunts, pants)

This is pretty exciting, sneaking around like this.

Oh, so you like sneaking around.
Good to know.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Never mind.

Let me see if the coast is clear.

See anybody?

Yes, I saw a strange man going into your house the other night!

What?

But out there, there's nobody.

(panting)

Ow!

I'm hit.

(paintball sh*t)
Ow!

I said I was hit!

Sorry.

Ow!

Why do you keep sh**ting me?

Why don't you want to move in with me?

I-I didn't say I didn't want to.

No, you just ran away.

Stuart?

Stuart?!

Did you run away again?

STUART
(in distance): No!

Bang, you're out.

What?! I'm not out.

You didn't even sh**t me.

I'm not gonna sh**t you from right here.

It's too close.
It's gonna hurt.

Oh, come on. It's not gonna hurt that bad.

I'm telling you, from this distance it's gonna... Ow!

See? That hurt!

All right. Fine, you can sh**t me.

- No, I'm not gonna sh**t you.
- Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Aah, you were right.
We're way too close.

See, I told you it's gonna hurt...

Ow!

I can't believe you're taking this out on me.

I was just trying to get publicity for our paper.

By making it seem like it was your idea?

I didn't write the headline, Sheldon.

Did you even read the article?

Because I talk about you continuously.

I know, and it just made you sound modest and charming.

AMY: Why can't you just be proud of me?

I am proud of you.

Really? Because you sound jealous.

Well, I'm that, too.
I've seen Inside Out.

I know I can feel two things at once.

- Ow!
- Ow!

Well, now I feel three things.

Hey.

Who sh*t you?

Oh. Uh, oh...

Denise, uh, Denise, Denise, Denise, Denise,

Denise, Denise, Denise,

Denise, Denise, Denise, Denise

and me when I was running from Denise.

What is up with you two?

Well, it's kind of hard to explain. Uh, you know when things are going great, but you worry that any minute you might screw everything up?

- No.
- Yes.

If you really like her, you can't let fear get in the way.

You have to move forward.

And at a certain point, the fear of losing her goes away?

I will let you know.

- You were spying on me?
- That is not the point.

The point is who was that man?

Fine. That was my ex-boyfriend.

Some of his stuff was still at my house, and he stopped by to pick it up.

And did you give it to him?
Did you give him his stuff?

If "stuff" means sex, then no.

If "stuff" means his Waterpik, then yes!

I got the flag!

I'm gonna make a run for it.
Cover me!

So you're still talking to your ex-boyfriend?

Yes, and I'm not gonna apologize for that.

And you need to delete that app from your phone.

Because you're hiding something from me?

No, because you should trust me!

How can I trust you?! I barely even know you!

Then what are we doing?

Why are we planning a wedding?

I don't know.

- (paintball hits)
- DENISE: Aah,

sad man!

Ow!

Ha, ha! Oh. It's you.

I can't believe you sh*t me!

I can't believe I did, either.

Right in the chest.

Sorry. That's gonna leave a bruise.

Yeah, a big one.

- Does it hurt?
- A little.

Want to kiss it and make it better?

I do.

Where are you going?

Home.

Don't worry. I'll wave to the doorbell when I get there.

Wait, wait, wait.

At least let me drive you.

That's okay. I'll Uber.

We can take you.

- Come on, Sheldon.
- Okay.

But I should warn you, we're in a bit of a spat.

At least I think we are. Amy, are we still in a spat?

Are you ready to apologize?

We are.

- Aha!
- WOLOWITZ: Hey!

- BERNADETTE: Get out!
- Sorry. Sorry.

I didn't see anything.

Actually, could I...?

Ooh, thank you!

Hey.

Wow. That's a lot of bruises.

Yeah, well, you sh*t me a lot of times.

That's not even counting the bruises on the inside.

'Cause I hurt your feelings?

Let's hope that's all it is.

Ah, look, I'm sorry that I freaked out.

It's just that things are going so good with us, and I'm afraid that if we go too fast, I am gonna mess it up.

I get that. I don't want to mess things up, either.

(sighs)

Um, I got you something.

It's a key to my place to show you that I'm serious.

- Thank you.
- Mm.

Well, isn't this technically a key to Howard and Bernadette's place?

Yes, so don't ever use it or let them know that you have it.

- Come here.
- Oh. Uh, no.

I appreciate it, but seriously, this is all bruise.

Kiss?

Gently.

Ow.

I'm about to start recording.
Are you guys ready?

Sheldon, are you ready?

- Absolutely.
- Great.

So, Dr. Cooper, my first question is for you.

Oh, goody.

Would you say that your paper is an extension of the work of Professor Joseph Polchinski?

I'll be in the car.