10x14 - We Need to Talk About Lily

[bunniefuu]

- [Stella panting]
- The vet called.

Stella's test results came back.

He wants me to bring her in... today.

Oh, no. Come here, you.

Oh, Jay, I'm so sorry.

That is the bad thing about loving animals, right?

But think about all the wonderful things you gave her, like a beautiful home, delicious food...

- [Lid thuds]
- ...our marital bed.

I'm sorry, Jay, Stella will not be forgotten.

I'm not putting her down, you goblin.

She needs a surgery.

Oh. That is such great news.

Oh, what's wrong with Stella?

She has an elongated soft palate, which is why sometimes it's hard for her to breathe.

And she snores a lot.

Any chance that they can do you, too?

This is a serious operation. They have to put her out.

What happens if she doesn't wake up?

What would I do?!

When I got my wisdom teeth out, you made me walk the last four blocks to the dentist so you could get an Egg McMuffin before the : cut-off.

You're gonna have to let that go.

You know what? I'm not gonna do it.

- She seems fine.
- Maybe she just needs some fresh air to breathe better.

Why don't we take her to the dog park?

That's a great idea.
Might be a little muddy out there.

I'm gonna get your boots, gorgeous.

Thank you.

My boots are in the closet, next to the...

Was he just talking to Stella?

Come here, you.

♪

Crown molding wainscoting, crown molding wainscoting, French door credit score, French door credit score.

You warming up for a big showing?

Very big.

I finally found Pepper his dream house.

I can't believe you're still letting that man waste your time.

How many houses have you shown him?

Pfft, only, like... I don't know, like, uh, .

But we have fun. He's a hoot.

Honey, even Mitch and Cam agree that he's impossible, and he's never gonna buy a house.

- Yes, he will.
- No.

He always manages to find something wrong.

The last house, the yoga room was too close to the panic room.

He was willing to live with that, but the property wasn't zoned for his falcons.

This one today, though, checks every single box.

Great. So if Pepper doesn't buy the house today, you agree to stop letting him string you along and drop him as a client.

How long did you string me along before I closed that deal?

Honey, you can't get Pepper pregnant and trap him in a house.
- You're on.

You remember you need to be home by : , right?
- Yeah.

Wait, why?

Alex's boyfriend, Bill, has cooked up some invention he wants us to invest in.

Why us?

Because someone inspired him.

As you can see, my patent-pending Wear-Chair TM, barely noticeable.

- I love it.
- Whenever I get tired of standing, all I have to do... press this button.

A spring-loaded leg jets out to provide me with a comfy seat.

[Grunts]

You put it on backwards, didn't you?

[Strained] My point is, Bill, there's a great invention inside all of us.

Please, just be home in time.

I don't want to crush a man's dreams on my own.

You have to do it with me.

Who knows? We might love his invention.

It's gonna be stupid.

Good thing you weren't married to George Foreman or we'd still be grilling our meats one side at a time.

Mm.

So, Lily, how... how are you today?!

Lily?!

[Snaps fingers] Lily.

Your father was just asking how you're doing.

Are... Are you all right?

- I'm fine.
- Okay.

Yeah.

[Whispering] Okay, uh... I gestured you over here 'cause we need to talk about Lily.

Yes, I puzzled that out.

Also, you don't need to whisper. Watch.

Honey, your father and I may get divorced because he's thinking about becoming a woman.

That explains a lot.

- I'm in between songs.
- Okay, all right. Now out. This way.

What is going on with her?

I don't want to be shut out like this another day.

I know, but let's... let's not get hysterical.

I'm not getting hysterical.

- We're minutes away.
- Fair enough.

I just want to see her smile.

Yeah, okay, I'm gonna text Ronaldo again.

Hopefully he got us into that KimmyLoveandStuff party.

KimmyLoveandStuff is an Internet sensation that Lily loves.
- Yeah.

- Boom!
- She tries on clothes, she cries about bullies and plastic.

You guys, just imagine if you were a turtle and this happened to you.

Our whole family is obsessed with her.

And that's the great thing about a tween girl having two gay dads.

I mean, we... we love the same things.

Cute guys, fashion, gossip.

- [Whoosh]
- Oh, my God! Ronaldo, he got us in!

- Amazing.
- [Laughs]

Okay, we have to get him a thank-you gift.

No, no, he owes you, okay?

You gave him your bone marrow.

Well, how could I not?

He was still hungry, and I wasn't gonna eat any more of it.

And we make our way back to the formal entryway, which, according to your checklist, "must be large enough to make people swoon when they step inside."

I want to do it again.

Ugh, that Pepper claims to be wealthy, but I don't believe it for a...

[Gasps] Oh, my heavens!

- We're peasants.
- [Laughs]

It's got everything on your list... piano bar, his and his dining rooms, plus a view of Rihanna's roof, which I never quite understood.

I did a party for her once, and I could feel those judgy Barbadian eyes looking down on me.

Now who's looking down on who, RiRi?

Like they say, location, location, vengeance.

[Laughs] You're funny.

Oh, it's fabulous, Phil.
Mother would love it.

It's her generosity and my power of attorney that are making this purchase possible.

So... are we ready to sign the offer?

Very close.

I just want to live in it for a bit, get a feel for the everyday.

You're in no hurry, right?

Oh, no, no, no. If I was in a hurry, would I have shown you over houses?

I can't wait to get to the park.

Hey, there's our mailman.

Hey! Hey!

Settle down, Jay.

Boy, I'm itchy today.

Hey, I hope that dog Bingo's at the park.

He's fun to play with.

What are you doing?
You just missed our turn.

I'm just going another way.

There is no other way.

You're not taking us to the park.

We're going to the vet.

The doctor said that she needs this surgery.

- She's gonna be fine.
- I feel sick. I need some air.

So, here I am on an ordinary day in my new house everyone hates me for and I'm walking and I'm kvelling...
- [Sighs]

and we're panting and we're schvitzing...

- and we're laughing and we're crying...
- [Laughs] and we're thinking.

[Whispering] And I'm putting.

[Whispering] So, you have an entire wardrobe in your car?
- Shh!

♪ And I'm playing and I'm singing ♪

♪ And they're loving it ♪

[Clapping]

I said loving it.

[Loud clapping]

- [Sighs]
- This is a disaster!

What a fun way to enter a room.

I know Bill's coming over to talk to you guys today, and I'm freaking out.
- Oh, honey, don't worry.

We're not gonna invest in his invention.

That's not why he wants to talk to you.

It's a cover.

He's going to ask for your blessing to marry me.

- Whoa, what?
- And you have to tell him no.

How do you know this?

All of the men in his family propose on Valentine's Day, which is coming up.

I read a text he sent to his buddy who just got engaged asking for tips for a good proposal, and my friend saw him coming out of a jewelry store.

So you read his texts and you track his movements.

I can see why he's so eager to lock you down.

Look, I really like being with Bill, and if I have to turn him down, that means the end of the relationship and all that great sex.

Really come out of your shell, haven't you?

[Dance music plays]

- Okay.
- [Chuckles]

Okay. Are you ready?! Surprise!

I'm gonna need a little bit more information.

- You are at KimmyLoveandStuff's exclusive launch party...
- KimmyLoveandStuff.

...for her new makeup line, and she's gonna sing her hit single...
- Single!

- ..."Give Me Love and Stuff."
- "Love and Stuff."

Okay. How did you guys do this?

Hello, total strangers.
[Laughs] Welcome.

Thank you so much for doing this, Ronaldo.

If anyone asks who you are, say you were looking for the Garth Brooks book signing.

- Oh.
- They'll believe you because of your clothes.

I'm gonna go look for the bathroom.

- Okay.
- Oh, look, she is so nervous, it's adorable.

Um, uh, do you think that there's any way we can get KimmyLoveandStuff to come over and meet Lily?

I'm not allowed to look her in the eye, so no.

- [Static]
- This is Ronaldo.

Just pick it up, blow on it, and put it back on the tray.

Are you kidding me with these questions?

[Exhales sharply] We got to get KimmyLoveandStuff to say hi to Lily.
- [Gasps] Well, there's her dog, Boo, so she's nearby.

Okay, I just got a really sketchy but great idea.

Um, did you pack your jerky?

Turkey, beef, or salmon?

- Here's what we're gonna do.
- Oh, please.

This is not the first time I've lured an animal away from its owner with my purse jerky.

♪

Boo, come here.
Boo, you want some treats?

Good girl. Come here.

[Screams] Move! Boo!

Does anyone have eyes on Boo?!

Those old men snatched her.

Are you trying to steal my dog?

No, no, no, no. I'm so sorry.
We were just...

We're just trying to, uh, get your attention.

Yeah, you see, our daughter, Lily, she... she's a massive fan and she's a little depressed right now and we just... we want to see her smile again.

Oh... my... God.

Gay dads are the best!

- That's what we said.
- We say that.

I think it's because we love to have fun, but we're also not afraid to get real.

Aww. I hate the idea of your daughter not smiling.

- [Sighs]
- Let's go make her day.

Okay, well, that's her right there.

Um, that's Lily.

Film this.

I-Is she talking to me?

Yeah.

Of course, Ms. LoveandStuff. [Chuckles]

Hey, lovers and stuffers.
It's your girl, Kimmy.

We're here at my launch party where I'm about to surprise my biggest fan.

You ready to see someone's mind kim-plode?

Hey, Lily. You having fun and stuff?

- [Clapping]
- Hey.

Lily, it's KimmyLoveandStuff.

I know. I said "hey."

You know what? I think she's in shock.

Lily, why don't you tell her your favorite video.

Mine was when you tackled racism and gave yourself that cute fishtail braid.
- [Chuckles]

Uh-huh. And Lily.

I don't watch them anymore.
Sorry. Can we go?

Cut! Give me that!

Lily? You're... You're being very rude.

Extra rude!

And who are you people and how did you get in here?

- Both: Garth Brooks.
- When I find out, heads will roll.

- I'm so embarrassed.
- Both: You're so embarrassed?

You're so embarrassed?

[Dogs barking]

Okay. We're ready for Stella.

Well, I'm not ready.

- Jay, come on.
- Ah.

All right. Careful.

Wait a second.
I-I have to say something.

Little girl, I know you're scared.

Me too. But you're a fighter.

"Don't worry, Daddy. I'll be fine."

She doesn't sound like that.

Sorry. She'll do great.

What is going on with you?
I've never seen you like this.

I don't know.

When I was , Dad came home with a rescue, and I was so damned excited.

But the dog wanted nothing to do with me...

Went straight to my sister and never left her side.

Then years later, we got a puppy who went right to Dede, growled at me every time I went near her.

But with Stella, I didn't even bother trying, and she chose me.

Now I may never see her again.

I-I-I can't sit here.
I need to take a walk.

What kind of surgery?

They just have to fix her breathing.

It's not a big deal.

Hmm. Is that what they told you?

I'd be careful if I were you.

What do you mean?

Men get crazy about their animals.

My husband had this horrible cat with a big lump on its neck.

It was benign, didn't bother my husband, but I couldn't stand looking at it.

So one day, when my husband was at work, I brought the cat in here to have them take that thing off and... Kchhh.

It d*ed right on the table.

Ay, no. Was your husband mad?

Ex-husband, so yeah.

Ay... Damn it.

Hola.

Hello?

[Dogs barking]

Well, all righty. I thought I was next.

Well, that's the first time I've slow-cooked ribs for a showing.

Mother's recipe.

So, are you ready to make an offer?

[Exhales deeply]

I don't know, Phil.

Don't know what, Pep?

[Sighs]

- I'm just not feeling it.
- Oh.

- Maybe we should see some more houses?
- No problemo.

Um, did you want to look in another neighborhood or stay right here in Hell?!

Aah! Oh! I beg your...

No, I beg.
For God's sakes, buy this house.

I've worked harder for you than any client in my entire career.

- [Cellphone ringing]
- I don't know if you're indecisive, sadistic, or just plain crazy.

Hey there, honey.

You're still there, aren't you?

He's just dotting the I's, crossing the T's.

Yanking your chain. Dump him.

Listen, Bill's about to be here any minute, and the situation has changed.

[Engine starts]

Got to go.

[Tires squeal]

Get back here!
I found you a bathroom with a koi pond!

[Engine revs, horn honks]

I have Stella! Get in!

- [Engine revs]
- Where is she?

- She's in the back.
- Is she okay?

I busted her out.
I can't make you do this.

If something happens to her, you're never going to forgive me, and I don't want to lose you like that.

Well, that's touching, but you just blew through a stop sign.

She'd probably be safer at the vet.

[Beep] [Ringing]

Ronaldo. It's Phil Dunphy.

Hello, Phil.

I'm preparing a plate for a diva.

Is everything okay?

Uh, actually, no.

I lost my temper with Pepper when he told me he wanted to see more houses, and I've been calling

- to apologize, but...
- He's not picking up.

How did you know?

It seemed the only possible conclusion to your sentence.
- Oh.

Phil, do you know the reason I stopped house hunting with Pepper?

Was it when that seller thought Pepper was your grandpa?

He hasn't let me wear sunscreen since.

No. I finally realized he wasn't going to buy a house.

Are you kidding?
I've wasted hundreds of hours.

I postponed hernia surgery.
Why would he do that to me?

He likes you.

Most straight guys find Pepper annoying, but you're always so nice with him.

I think he's afraid if he buys a house, he'll never see you again.
- Really?

Wow, it's so painful keeping everything inside.

It's how he was raised.

No, my truss isn't working.

I've got to schedule that procedure.

Do you know where Pepper is?

He has a special place he goes when he's sad.

It's pretty gay.

Have you ever seen the movie "La La Land"?

Of course. Wait, does he go to the bench overlooking the city where Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone tap danced into each other's hearts?

- That's not so gay.
- Okay.

- [Car door closes]
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Take those things off, please.

We need to talk about whatever's going on with you right now.

- I'm fine.
- No, you're not fine.

You're sullen and aloof and... and you embarrassed us in front of KimmyLoveandStu...

I can't say it again. I can't.

Okay, we gave you every tween girl's dream day, and... and you can barely cr*ck a smile.

It's not my dream day. It's yours.

I'm not the same kind of tween girl you guys are.

But we love all the same things.

I've changed. I don't like Beyoncé.

- [Both gasp]
- You take that back!

- Or Britney.
- [Both gasp]

- Or Gaga.
- [Gasps]

I only fake it 'cause you guys like that stuff.

I'm different.

Well, honey, is it... is that why you've been feeling so down, because you...

you feel different than us?

I don't know. I guess I feel different than a lot of people.

Well, sweetie, that is one thing your dad and I can relate to.

I guess, well, that's the great thing about having two gay dads.

We... We know what it feels like to be an outsider.

Okay, but here's what happens.

You start finding people who don't quite fit in, and you start not fitting in together.

We never want you to feel like you have to be someone else for us.

- Never.
- I mean...

What is this music you're always listening to?

- Come on. Let us in.
- Yeah.

Okay. I like this.

- Okay.
- Let's put it on, huh?

- All right. Here we go.
- [Beep]

[Screaming] ♪ Where's your sanity? ♪

- Fun!
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I like it.

- She's gonna k*ll us someday.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey. I just want to say, I really appreciate you wanting to save Stella like that.

Well, Stella is not the only one that choose you.

I choose you every day,and I love her more than I show.

[Barking]

Okay, sweetheart. Let's get you inside.

I'll throw on a couple of steaks for both of us.

[Whines]

What the hell dog is this?

- It's Stella.
- No, it's not.

Eight years, you don't recognize our dog?

Well, years, and you don't notice one haircut?

[Panting]

By the time we got through to the vet, the surgery was over.

And Stella was fine.

I just have to say Gloria really stepped up and nursed my baby back to health.

Only one problem.

Stella choose me now.

It's not real. You give her pain meds.

It's like she's sucking up to her dealer.

- [Doorbell rings]
- Hi, Bill.

- Hey.
- Come on in.

Thanks. Is, uh, Mr. Dunphy around, too?

Uh, no, he's probably on his way back, and we should definitely wait for him.

- [Chuckles]
- Oh. I actually have to get to work pretty soon.

Do you think maybe you could just speak for the both of you?

Nope. [Chuckles] Phil is very opinionated.

And strict.
"What I say goes around here."

He's a very scary customer.

Okay. I don't really have a choice here.

- Mm-hmm.
- [Breathes deeply]

Mr. and Mrs. Dunphy... would you be willing to take a chance on a guy like me and let me...
- Alex is too young to get married.

I'm sorry.
Phil, who is very quick to anger, would never allow it.

Oh, I wasn't asking to marry Alex.

[Breathing deeply]

- What... What's happening?
- [Belt jingles]

And then it got weirder.

- Ladies and gentlemen...
- Hmm?

...I give you my new invention, the Pull-Yourself-Up- By-Your-Bootstraps-TM.

How many times has this happened to you?

You're in bed, asleep.

All of a sudden...

Oh, no.

It's an earthquake.
No time to get dressed.

I'm gonna have to run out into the street naked again.

- Huh.
- Unless...

Oh.

[Zipper closes]

And I'm out the door in seconds.

- Oh, okay.
- That's it?

You didn't come to ask for my hand in marriage?

Wh... Of course not.

What do you mean, "of course not"?

What are we doing, Bill?

Honey, take the win.

Okay, first of all, you're a super smart, independent woman with an amazing future ahead of you.

Why would you want to get married right now?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. So, what were you doing in that jewelry store yesterday?

I was getting a battery for my watch.

- How did you know I was in a jewelry store?
- And what about that text you s...

For what it's worth, if that's what I thought you wanted, I would propose today.

- Hmm.
- I'm pretty sure you're my forever someone.

Really?

Alexandra Dunphy...

- would you...
- Mom!

Okay, everybody up. All right.

- [Clears throat]
- There we go. A lot of fires to put out.

Next time, I'll get to the end.

Next time, I might be ready.

Ugh. Not a fan of liberated Alex.

Ugh.

[Insects chirping]

Lovely night.

What are you doing here?

I called Ronaldo looking for you.

[Sighs]

I come to this place when life turns out not to be a musical.

I'm up here a lot.

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Well, Phil, you're not the first person to find me a tad trying.

This may shock you, but I don't have many friends.

Express some shock, Phil.

But you have tons of friends.

Mitch and Cam love you.

Yeah, they're okay in small doses.

And a straight-guy friend, never.

A lot of straight guys find me...

- Annoying?
- Intimidating.

Wait for me to finish.
This isn't Mad Libs.

Don't you believe that I like you, though, Pepper?

I want to, but maybe I'm just a big, fat mother's purse to you.

I'm your friend, Pepper.

[Gasps] What are you doing?

This is a yellow suit!

♪ Till the end, Pepper ♪

You're making a scene!

♪ I know that old line ♪

♪ But as soon as I sign, he'll toss me aside like ♪

♪ Yesterday's wine ♪

♪ My heart's on my sleeve ♪

♪ I want to believe ♪

This is weird. We're people!

- Look.
- [Sighs]

The only way you're ever gonna find out if we're friends is if you buy that house and see if I stick around.

Seems like an expensive experiment.

Sign the offer... if you love the house.

- [Sighs]
- Either that or fire me.

It's the only way you're gonna know.

[Sighs]

[Insects chirping]

- My heart is in your...
- I'll see you.

I knew it. Assassin!

[Laughing] I'm messing with you.

That's what I do with my friends.

[Laughing] Oh. I see. Delightful.

I'm new at straight chummery.

♪

Stop checking your watch, Phil.

[Snores] Oh, no!

It's the big one!

And I'm not dressed!

Grab the earthquake kit!

Everybody, get under a table!

There's cash in the freezer!

[Zipper closes]

Honey, we got to get in on this.

Ah. My high-school boyfriend could have used that.

You ruined it.