07x05 - Godparents

[bunniefuu]

- Mmm.

- Can you two please tell us why you summoned us here?

Thank you for coming.

It is appreciated, especially since Aly is on bed rest.

We brought you here today to choose a godparent.

Oh, yes!

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Carry on.

Now, on my side, we have my entire network of good friends.

Friends so close, I consider them family.

And on my side, we have Leslie.

- I'm all she's got.

- Oh, boy.

All right, everybody, please line up in formation.

Winston, I don't have time for this.

It's my first day back at Ass Strat tomorrow.

I should be moisturizing and making dreams.

Schmidt, we didn't choose you.

- You may face the wall.

- Dork!

- Watch it.

- Cece, we didn't choose you either.

Reason being is your friendship is too important to ruin by making you our baby's godmother.

Mm-hmm.

Why do I feel like your lips are moving - but Aly's doing the talking?

- Sorry.

- Nick?

- I got a good feeling about this.

Face the wall.

Ooh.

This ain't over.

Leslie, you may face the wall.

- Ha-ha-ha!

Suck it, bitch!

- Leslie, you lost.

Leslie is confused.

And now the moment of truth.

Jessica Day, will you be our baby's godmother?

Yes, I will.

Why is Leslie still dancing?

Leslie.

- Hey, now we're both godparents.

- What?

Nick, for the hundredth time, you are not Ruth's godfather.

Yes, I am, for the hundred and one time first time.

First of all, Jews and Hindus do not have godparents.

And even if we did, we would not choose you.

Ruth is not a fan.

Ruth doesn't like me?

She sees you more as a dimwitted raccoon.

Well, my mind is blown.

This is a game changer.

Okay, everyone leave.

Okay, that was a waste of time.

We got a babysitter for this?

Jess, can you stay back for a moment?

Yeah.

You chose wisely.

I will revolutionize being a godparent.

Your son will be my Cinderell o.

We'll be reviewing your performance weekly.

You can be replaced.

Heavy is the head that holds the crown, but strong are the neck muscles that hold up said head.

Ooh.

Cigarette!

- Well done.

- Well done.

Uh, before I move on to the next slide, let me just say thank you for agreeing to stay at home this week while I get back in the saddle at work.

Now, you need to pick up Ruth at 2:00 p.

m.

on the dot.

The three pillars of the pickup are gate code, sign out, and lunch, which needs to be a peanut butter sandwich, otherwise, she will shut down and go - full armadillo.

- Yeah, I got it.

Pick her up, drop her off.

- How hard can it be?

- Well, first of all, you got it backwards.

You drop off in the morning, you pick up in the after I'm sorry.

I'm a little stressed out.

I know that I said that I would go back to work when Ruth started school, which, look, I'm-I'm excited about.

But I've been out of the game for a while, and I've become accustomed to a different type of lifestyle.

Daddy was gonna get into that party no matter what, so I jumped over the hedge.

Of course.

It was Prince!

You get it.

We'll be fine.

What you see as a life-or-death mission, I see as a week off with my daughter.

Wrong again.

Buckle up.

These should cover your first four hours.

Okay, I'm off.

Yeah, you need to go.

Okay?

Now get.

I'm excited.

I shaved my entire body last night.

I feel like I could ride the wind to work.

And here comes a contraction.

Thank you for filling in for Aly.

- Of course.

I'm the godmother.

- And one, two, three, primal scream.

Oh, my God!

That's a big hea Sorry.

Okay, and now let's practice some pelvic tilts on the birthing ball.

Oh.

Excuse me.

I-I realize you didn't get me one, so I'm gonna go ahead and get my own.

Uh - Got the big boy.

- Yeah.

Whew!

You know what's crazy is you're gonna be a father any day now.

- Yeah, it kind of snuck up on me.

- Yeah, you better get ready, 'cause you're gonna get on the Dad Train soon.

Dad-dad!

"No getting off this train.

" - You okay?

- Oh, yeah, I'm good.

I'm good.

Well, all right.

Who would like to demonstrate how to hold a baby?

Any takers?

What about you?

Oh, not me.

That baby's creep city.

Winnie, you're up.

Me?

Oh.

Yeah.

- Let's go, Dad.

- Okay.

Hold it like this?

- Cradle the head.

- Cradle it.

Yeah.

Well, look at you.

I promise to love and protect you.

Nobody's ever gonna hurt my goochy, goochy - Oh!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

- Okay, and I'm sorry.

I'm gonna fix this.

I'm gonna fix him.

I'm not ready.

- No.

- Here, put that back.

Put that back inside of you.

I don't want no part of that.

Look at us, the unbreakable Kim and Schmidt.

God, I forgot how much I despise you.

We're gonna need your thoughts on a new salsa account, - so get up to speed.

- Oh, I am up to speed on salsa.

Now heads up, Schmidt, things have changed here.

It's not the same office you left.

Ass Strat has been taken over by a Tokyo-based conglomerate.

Are the toilets also Japa Yes.

"Cecilia, you're playing your music too loud.

" What's that, babe?

Yeah, you know, I can't hear you out here with - Oh, my God!

- What, are we having a laundry party?

- What is that?!

- This?

It's just a bear I found outside the loft.

Yeah, I brought it for my girl Ruth.

Well, she's at school right now, and I have 15 binders worth of stuff to do that Schmidt has left for me

- before I go pick her up.

- Oh, that's perfect.

I'll just pick her up.

I'll pick her up from school.

I don't need your help picking up my daughter from school.

Okay?

All right, well, would you please tell her that I left this bear for her so she knows it was from me?

- Mm-mm.

- Ugh.

- What?

- There's ants all over its neck.

- What?

- Oh!

There's more ants.

Every time it gets hit, more ants come out.

Okay.

All right.

Hey, buddy.

So, two things.

Um, first of all, we're not welcome back in the class.

And, second, they're billing you for all ten classes.

Jess, what if I'm not ready to be a father?

Winston, that was a fake baby.

Real babies' heads - don't come off like that.

- Jess, I was in that class and it made me realize that this baby is coming.

What happens when I'm in that hospital and I see my son's face for the first time, coming out of Aly's butt?

What am I gonna do?

What if there's something that I don't know?

I know this is gonna sound crazy, but ever since I found out Aly was pregnant, I keep thinking about my dad.

That clown?

He left you guys.

I know.

It makes absolutely no sense, but I keep thinking, what does he look like?

You know?

Does he think about me?

Does he have a small group of white friends like me?

Well, have you thought about, you know, reaching out to him again?

I keep thinking, in a perfect world, I wouldn't have to track down my dad and risk getting rejected.

He would just Magically show up.

Exactly.

- Sturdy.

- Hey, Winston!

Looking good.

You don't have to gas me up, Jess.

I've been at this thing for three hours.

- It is all legs.

- Yeah.

Look, I just wanted to tell you something, and that is that when you're alive Sometimes your friends think that you're No.

Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

Your dad's outside.

Okay, that's a weird joke.

Yeah, that's not a joke.

He is, um he's outside.

At this moment.

Well, how the hell did you find him?

Well, it was a journey.

Basically, I Googled his name, and here we are.

- Oh.

- Listen, if it would make you feel better to talk to your dad, then I think you should.

Yeah, I'll go talk to him.

I wonder if Nah.

Okay.

"Hey, D Hey, Pop.

"You want to shake my You want to shake my Your hand looks like my hand.

" He'll be like, "What's up, son?

" I'll be like, "Don't call me son.

" - Uh-huh.

- "Don't call me son.

" You know?

"But I love you so much.

I miss I've never seen you.

" I don't know what he looks like.

Or I can tell him to leave.

No.

No.

It's fine.

He's my dad.

I'll tell him.

Say what you got to say, son.

Daddy!

- Get it out.

Yeah.

- Oh, my My God.

- Look at that.

- Look at that.

- Look at that!

- Look at that!

Look at that!

Oh, come on, now.

- Come on!

- Come on, now.

Be feeling like I'm-a stand up in here.

- Come on, now!

- Come on, now.

Okay.

Kids' toys.

I got this.

Okay, I got that.

Go for Nick.

Uh, hey, Nick.

Where are you?

I'm at home making a goodie bag for my favorite little girl.

Um, listen to me.

Uh, I actually I need your help picking up Ruth from school.

Oh.

Isn't this interesting?

Last time I checked, you didn't need old Nick Miller's help.

Hold a minute while old Nick Miller laughs - and says, "Well, well, well.

" - Nick.

Please.

Okay, I Nick.

- Listen to me - Well, well, well.

Looks like you do need old Nicky's help.

Please.

Please.

Listen to me.

Okay, Nick, I forgot my phone at the house, and that phone has the gate code

- that will let me into the school

- Hold on.

If you forgot your phone at home, then tell me this: what are you calling me on?

A stranger's phone, okay?

Ruth's lunch is next to my phone, and I forgot her lunch, too, so just bring both, okay?

Got it.

Also Welcome back, Mr.

Schmidt.

I cannot wait to hear your pitch on the salsa account.

Uh, take it away.

I'd love to.

Thank you so much.

Let's talk about salsa.

It's a sauce.

Or it Uh Uh, I actually have to take this.

So-so sorry.

- Hello?

- Daddy, come pick me up.

Mommy isn't here yet.

What do you mean, Mommy's not It's 2:30.

What is she do?

Okay, um Daddy's on his way.

I actually have to step out for just a second.

You know, in preparation for this meeting, I ate an entire jar of salsa, and it is sliding right through me.

Ah, come on.

Hey, little girl.

Hi.

- You want to open the gate for me?

- No.

No?

You want Let me see what I got.

A peanut butter sandwich?

You want a peanut butter sandwich?

Come here me a sec.

Give me a sec.

Look at this, look at this.

Come over here, eat the peanut butter sandwich.

Open the gate.

Look.

Mmm.

So yummy.

Come come on, come on.

Where you going?

Hey!

Little girl!

Come on, little girl, please.

Where you going?

Ah.

No.

Hey!

What are you doing?

Oh, I was just trying to get a little girl out of here.

I want to be a girl's godfather.

So, godfathers can basically make rules and do things with little kids when their parents aren't around.

- What?

Excuse me?!

- And also, they love me.

- You sick bastard.

- No, no.

- You're coming with me.

- No, no.

Peanut butter sandwich.

Disgusting.

Stop!

Kids love me.

I'm a famous author.

Hey, he's with me.

I'm a parent.

- Parent.

- Yeah.

No worries.

I'm, uh, I'm a parent.

Okay, so what's the gate code, then?

Gate code is four

- three seven

- You're guessing.

- He's onto us, Cece!

Run!

Hyah!

- Hey.

I'm coming for you, Ruth!

Here comes your godfather!

Oh, my God.

Is that it?

- Wait, hold up, hold on now.

- H-Hold up.

- Hold up, boy.

- You got bees on your shirt.

- I got birds on my shirt.

- Birds and the bees, baby.

- Birds and the bees!

- Come on, now.

My boy!

Hey, Aly.

- What are you doing out of bed?

- I heard a man's voice and wanted to know if you were cheating on Nick in the bedroom of my future child.

Well, big news: I found Winston's dad.

In there.

You want to wrestle?

Take off your pants, Dad!

- You know what we like?

- What?

Those two black dudes from This Is Us.

That's not Winston's dad.

What?

I saw his picture on the database at the station.

I know this.

That's not him!

Huh.

Jess, who is that man in my house pretending to be Winston's dad?

His name is Van Bishop.

But did he say he was Winston's dad?

I showed him a picture of Winston, and he burst into tears.

- So no.

- I'm sorry.

Winston was freaking out about being a father and kept saying he wished he could meet his dad.

Of course you can sleep over, Dad.

The couch lets out.

Love you, son.

- I love you, too, Pop.

- Mm-mm.

This is bad.

They are getting closer every minute.

You need to fix this right now.

Okay, Aly, I got this.

If you don't, when I have the strength to wrap these hands around your tiny little neck, I will do so.

And I will smile.

- This is all your fault.

- This is all your fault.

- Don't talk to me, okay?

- No, don't talk to me.

Now you're just gonna sit there and mimic me?

Don't do the thing with the hands.

- Grow up!

- You grow up!

- Are you kidding me right now?

- Are you kidding me?

- Don't talk to me.

- Don't do the Cece to me.

Don't do the Nick to me.

Mommy!

- Hey!

- Uncle Nick.

Hi, honey.

I am so sorry.

You must be hungry.

Right?

No worries, 'cause Uncle Nick

- has your sandwich.

- I do.

I have your sandwich.

Here you go.

You ate it.

The truth is I sat on it.

Maybe I took a bite.

I took a couple bites.

- I ate a lot of it.

- You know what?

It gonna be Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

She is going full armadillo.

I need my phone.

Give me my phone.

Well, I'm her godfather.

- I'm not a fisherman's vest.

- No.

What you are is the human equivalent of the cr*ck between two couch cushions.

Grab her.

I'm gonna go start the car.

So, anyway, I'm on the back of a Jet Ski

- with Cornel West.

- Mm-hmm.

And he tells me, "Hey, you're leaning too far to the left.

" I said, "No, you leaning too far to the left.

" Oh!

I see what you did.

I see it.

Y'all talking about Cornel West?

- Dad's got stories for days.

- I bet.

I bet.

Anyway, why don't we button mash this for next week and, um, Van, I can give you a ride home.

Wait, what?

No.

No, no, no, no.

He just got here.

You know, I want to talk about the old days in Chicago.

Never been there.

Garbage city.

Yeah, it has its bad parts, but, you know, the education system is getting

- Wait.

You've never been there?

- Never been there.

You know what?

I totally know what he means, because I feel like sometimes I've never been to L. A. , and I live here.

You know what I mean?

Like, ask me where the ocean is.

"Uh, to the left?" I don't know.

- Should we hit the road?

- Jess?

What's going on?

Oh, no.

Ruth hasn't been signed out.

Um, excuse me.

Um, have you seen Ruth?

Brown hair, smile that would shake the earth, hates peas?

A white man broke in today.

A a white man?!

No!

Well, what did security do about it?!

- Nothing.

- Typical!

I'm calling Cece.

Go for Brian.

Who the heck is Brian?!

Where's Cece?!

All right, Ruth, let's find something to play with inside this, uh, pillowcase of crap your future godfather brought you.

- Oh, God.

Okay.

- There's this thing.

- Put that down.

- Yeah, put that down right there.

Look at this!

We got an old beeper.

You can pretend to be a-a doctor, or a late '90s drug dealer.

- What's a drug dealer?

- Don't give her that.

Gah, Ma, stop being such a narc.

Okay, thank God you're alive.

Of course we're alive.

What are you doing here?

I went to the school; Ruth wasn't there.

They told me a white man tried to hop the fence, and some man named Brian answered your phone.

- Hi.

- What happened?

- Nick ate her sandwich.

- I had one bite of her sandwich.

Guess, technically, "inhaled" it.

- I didn't inhale it!

- Guys, please.

It's not a big deal.

I'll make her another sandwich.

No, you won't.

About that.

So We're out of peanut butter.

What do you mean, we're out of peanut butter?

I know.

Okay, there was just too much to do.

- And those binders.

It is not possible!

- I do this every day.

You see, that's when the-the Chicago Cubs won the World Series, and, uh, all the players signed it.

I need you to just be careful, 'cause it's worth a lot of money.

I wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't - Did Nick fix our child?

- What are you doing?

- Just making it pretty.

- You're ruining it.

Your face ruined it!

You're a dumb raccoon.

- Accurate.

- Oh.

As a godfather, I got to push through that.

Ooh, that's work.

- I got to go back.

- What about spa time?

I need to zap my frown lines.

Oh.

Uh, honey.

You know what, honey?

We can do pretend Botox on another day, okay?

Why?

Because Daddy has to go sell a Mexican product to Americans so that Japanese people can make money.

I'm sorry.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- Jess, is he not my dad?

- Is he not my son?

Before I answer that, I want you guys to know I had an accomplice in this, and her name is Google.

Maybe I'm a little confused here.

I called you "Dad," you called me "son" for hours.

I sat on your lap.

We ate pistachios together.

I love pistachios.

She told me that you were my son, and I believed her.

I mean, you could be.

The '80s were a blur.

And I toured the country in a Van Morrison cover band.

You did?

Did you play the Portland Rec Center?

Oh, maybe.

It was a wild time back then.

Hide behind a rainbow wall Slipping and sliding all along The waterfall with you My brown-eyed girl You are my Brown-eyed girl I can't, I can't, uh I-I got to go.

I can't, I can't be here right now.

Oh!

- Oh.

- Ooh!

Brown-eyed girl Mr.

Yukimura, uh, I apologize.

- Sell me some salsa.

- Okay, here we go.

Well, what do we know about salsa?

We know that it's a gift from another culture.

Schmidt?!

Are you with us?

Yes.

Uh, it's just You don't know how important salsa is until it's gone.

You keep it in the back of your fridge, taking for granted that it'll be there.

But once it's gone, you realize you can't go a single day without it.

Señor Cha Cha's Salsa: the salsa that belongs in the front of your fridge.

Sure.

Throw in a dragon with a sombrero and I'm in.

Great job.

Moshi moshi.

Hi, Mama Bear and Papa Bear.

Goldilocks is here with an apology, - and it's gonna be just right.

- Aly?

- Uh-huh.

- Will you please tell Jess to leave?

You're not gonna talk to her?

It's okay.

Winston can talk to me when he's ready.

Baby, she didn't do it on purpose.

It's not her fault that she has zero detective skills, and there's another Van Bishop in Los Angeles.

Which is crazy.

- Her heart was in the right place.

- It was, and should I have let a strange man in the house?

No!

Will it take a very long time for you to forgive me?

Yes.

Years.

Okay.

I get it.

I'll go.

Um I think this belongs to Leslie now.

For what it's worth, you are more prepared to be a father than anyone I know, and that includes Schmidt.

And look, you'll have good days and bad days.

But you'll never be alone.

And just remember, you don't have to have had a dad to be a great dad.

Here.

Thank you.

I won't let you down.

And you know what your mom looks like, so I'm never gonna present you

- with a fake mom

- Mm.

- I'll stop.

- Too soon.

Hey, family, I've been sitting on the curb the last two hours, thinking.

Look, I know I'm not your real dad, but a part of me wishes I was.

You know, you're a hell of a kid.

So if you ever need somebody to play catch with you, or give you the real deal when you step out of line, give me a call.

Nah, dawg.

I'm good.

That makes sense.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Am I still wearing makeup?

You look like my grandmother right before she went insane.

Good, great.

I'm sorry I went overboard with the binders before.

No, no.

I'm sorry.

I honestly don't know how you do this every single day.

How was work?

- Frickin' crushed it.

- Oh, great.

- And I think I want to quit.

- What?

Really?

I just kept wishing that I was here, taking care of Ruth.

It's the best job I've ever had.

What would you think if I was home full-time?

I think that anything that makes you happy and keeps those binders away from me, that's what you should do.

Aah!

- What is that?!

Bear!

- Yeah.

And stay out!

You bear!

It's all clear, honey!

I got rid of him