07x06 - Mario

[bunniefuu]

Guys, this has been fun, but it's time to go start my pre-date regimen.

(to "Party Rock Anthem"): Body wash is in the house tonight!

Ugh, that jacket!

What are you and Aly doing tonight going to a Sinbad stand-up special?

I'm gonna go pick up my colorblind glasses from USC.

I'm a part of a study.

Now, these glasses allow a colorblind person to see color.

If they don't work, I get $25.

If they do work, they're gonna take a bunch of my bone marrow.

I just hope he puts on those glasses and realizes how truly hideous that Salt-N-Pepa jacket is.

I mean, at least he stopped wearing the pants that go with it.

- (laughs)

- Oh, my gosh, you guys, thank you so much for getting me out of the house tonight.

Winston is insisting we Stay in?

Why are you staying in?

Because I might be overwhelmed by the world beyond sharp brown.

Dull brown.

Brown.

You know, Aly's making sherbet tonight if you guys want to come over.

While the idea of witnessing you seeing sherbet for the first time is enticing, I have plans tonight.

Ooh, I see that eyebrow waggle.

Yeah, that means you going on a Sex date!

We are having sex tonight - out of our daughter's earshot.

- Okay.

Tell me, in the realm of Cece and Schmidt sex-capades, like, how far out are you going?

Are you, like, crossing state lines or?

No.

Tonight, we are actually gonna keep it simple.

I have made extremely elaborate plans.

I've lined up a babysitter, booked a hotel room, commissioned a new negligee, custom-made by a Japanese man that I found on EtsyXXX.

- I can't wait for Cece to see me in it.

- What?

I think that he bought me some sort of Japanese negligee.

- (laughter)

- I know.

I found it, like, hidden in the back of the closet.

I'm gonna need a team of people to get me into that.

Winston once bought me a Canadian Mountie uniform.

- CECE: No, he did not.

- Not to be graphic,

- but he destroyed it in seconds.

- (laughter) So, Jess, what are you up to tonight?

Remember when Nick and I tried to adopt that dog and got rejected?

(crying): I love you so much, Harriet.

I'm never gonna put you down.

I'm never gonna let you go.

I still don't get this.

They took a dog away from someone for loving it too much?

They said my enthusiasm for Harriet bordered on madness.

Oh, I-I can see that.

Well, it's been two long years on the wait list, but Everything changes tonight.

- I'm asking Jess to marry me.

- Wow

- (whoops) Ha!

- Tonight.

Well, it's about time.

You've been talking about this for a month.

I don't need this from you.

I get it enough from Jess's dad.

Bob called me nine times today to tell me that his blessing expires at midnight.

- (whistles) - He said if I miss the deadline, my buttocks are gravy.

Guy's got some weird expressions.

Why would you wait till the last minute for something like this?

'Cause everything has to be perfect; Jess is gonna think about this moment for the rest of our lives.

I almost asked her at the park, but a squirrel ran off with our ring.

Don't worry, I got the ring back, but let me just say this, the squirrel will never do that again.

And then I got us on the kiss cam at Dodger Stadium.

That's where I was gonna ask, but once we got on the scoreboard, I just went for the laugh and I kissed the old guy next to me.

Anything's funny when you put an old man in it.

Except for the ground.

NICK: But this time, I have everything planned.

Nothing's stopping me tonight.

I made reservations at the same place we went on our first date.

Finally, I'm gonna make an honest woman of My new dog.

I'm so excited.

And I get to surprise Nick 'cause he doesn't know about it.

Our family is growing - by four small paws.

- Okay, whoa.

You need to reel that back in, sweetheart.

Okay, I think you're right.

There is a fine line between enthusiasm and madness, and I do need to keep this in check.

Come on, ladies.

Let's toast to

- Nick and Jess.

All right.

- BOTH: Yeah!

And to us going on dates at the same time

- (laughs)

- leading to a high probability that we'll all be doing it at the same time.

I'm not cheersing that, man.

Stop.

- I think it's nice.

- Yeah, it'll be like one big orgy, but, you know, we're spaced out.

Never mind.

I retract my support.

(toy squeaking rhythmically) Who's hungry?

I'm hungry.

You ready for our reservation?

We have a What is all this, Jess?

It's happening It's happening!

- No.

No.

No.

No.

- (toy squeaks) Allow me to practice being appropriately excited about the following information.

- We're getting a dog.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- We've waited two years for this.

- This could be a really big deal for us.

- Yeah.

This could be the night that we welcome a new family member

- into our home.

I just - Wow.

I don't want to blow it, so you have to help me keep it together when Judith from the shelter gets here, 'cause she has to do a home visit

- before she signs off.

- You're not gonna blow it.

We will form a great game plan at dinner, so let's go now, 'cause we got

- that reservation, like I was saying.

- No.

No.

We have that reservation, like I was saying.

We don't have time for dinner.

She's gonna get here any minute.

You know, last time, she was very thorough.

- Yes.

- It could take a long time.

This is fine.

This is foine.

This is good.

This is great.

I'll push our reservation.

I'll tell the restaurant we're celebrating tonight.

We weren't before, but we are now.

Get an outdoor table so we can bring our new puppy.

- That's not the plan.

- Say, "Make room.

" We got to bring

- The dog is not

- a dog, a dog bed, a water bowl

- Good talk.

- some toys, some chewies.

(toy squeaks)

(toy squeaking rhythmically)

I got you some stuff.

Oh, my gosh, you didn't Will you look at this?

Puzzles, a book on subway graffiti.

Candy?

- Mm-hmm.

- Wait a minute.

Baby, candy is different colors?

That's what I've been trying to tell to you.

Everything is different colors.

Well, I'll see you on the other side.

(Winston gasps)

(laughs): Oh, my God.

Baby.

Mm.

Nobody told me fruit was different colors!

- I thought you knew.

- I didn't know about fruit, baby!

- Now you know.

- Ah!

- Oh!

This-this, uh, is purple.

- That's right.

- I'm touching purple?

- Yeah.

- I'm touching purple.

- Oh, don't cry.

- No, don't cry, baby.

- (crying) - (gasps) Are my socks blue?

- Blue.

- Your socks are blue.

- I hate blue so much!

- Calm down, baby.

Okay.

Okay.

- Aah!

Some more blue!

Get that Just calm down.

Do you want me to find you something brown to look at?

Would that be soothing?

I just think I need to I just need to take it slow.

I am right here with you.

Why don't we go sit on the couch?

Baby, what color is that couch gonna be?

Oh, don't make that a whole thing.

(screaming) Oh, I did not solve this Rubik's Cube.

Help yourself to anything within reason.

You may think to yourself, "Oh, they have a lot of expensive cheeses.

They won't notice.

" We wil notice.

Okay, so, Ruth is asleep.

That little face.

I love her more every day.

And, oh, look at you.

Tell your genitals to get their affairs in order.

Oh, my genitals know what they're getting into.

(chuckles) Hey, I have really exciting news.

I'm ovulating.

It's time for another baby!

Let's get to the hotel!

We're so sorry to crash your date.

Our hotel reservation fell through.

WINSTON: Are you kidding me?

I mean, I am so excited to have you guys here for my big day.

Kind of wish you were here earlier.

He was being a complete bitch about pink.

No, I was not.

I was confused, because they want to be red so bad, and I'm like, "You're not red.

Like, stop.

" You know what I mean?

(laughs) Well, this is gonna be fun.

- For a little while.

- Or a long while.

Who knows?

JESS: Judith is gonna be here any minute, and I need you to test me.

I looked up "cute dog" on the Internet, and I printed out a bunch of images, so I just need you to shove a cute dog in my face until I find something disgusting about it.

I can do that.

Oh.

He's so teeny tiny that he fits in his food bowl.

And he climbed in.

He wiggled around.

(laughs): He knocked all his food out.

Which sucks, because there are so many starving people in the world.

- Next dog.

- Now we're talking.

Good.

I know what I hate, but I'm not sure what you're gonna hate.

JESS (laughs): Oh, my God.

I want to like this little lug.

Jess, what do you hate about this dog?

She's wearing a princess costume, which enforces gender stereotypes in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Next dog.

I hate to do this one to you.

No.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What do you dislike strongly?

Is this guy rocking a jean jacket?

Unfortunately, yes.

I don't hate that!

- (knock on door)

- Oh, my God.

She's here.

She's here.

I feel ready.

I feel ready.

- Why are you acting so weird?

- I'm not acting weird.

Winston, will you come with me?

I'd love to be the first person to show you a raincoat.

I knew something was going on with raincoats.

- Hmm.

- Watch out.

Excuse me, baby.

What's wrong, Schmidt?

You look green.

Is it green?

Cece wants to get pregnant again.

Oh.

(whimpers softly) Ms.

Day, Mr.

Miller.

I'm hoping the second time's the charm.

I'd like to introduce Mario.

- Mario.

- You're squeezing real hard, Jess.

Your pictures don't do you justice.

- (chuckles) - Will you excuse me a minute?

- (laughs) - Very excited.

(muffled screaming) Cece wants to get pregnant?

Isn't that good news?

Don't you want, like, a hundred kids?

Yes, I do.

I just How can I survive another nine months of pregnant Cece?

She was so mean to me.

I got your wings, my love.

I wanted all flats, no drumlets!

- Do they look flat to you?!

- (muffled grunting) Do they look flat to you?!

She tried to jam the business end of a drumlet straight up my tuchus.

And then things got worse.

I can only describe what I experienced next as anti-Semitic.

Hey, gefilte face!

Quit playing "Where's My Foreskin?" and get in here and rub my feet before I divorce your Yentl-loving, Ashkenazi ass!

(sighs) I knew this day would come, but just thought I had more time.

Schmidt, you're being crazy, man.

Just go talk to your wife about this.

I can't do that.

My only option is to knock her up and then disappear into the night.

I'm gonna need you and Nick to take care of my family while I'm in hiding.

Hey, be honest with her.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to stare at my tongue in the mirror.

So, as you can see, we have lots of toys - for Mario to play with.

- (toy squeaking) And it looks like he's found one he enjoys.

Look at that.

(sniffles) - Good for him.

- Can I just say, I had some serious doubts about you getting a dog from us after what happened last time.

You had a real Of Mice and Men vibe.

Did I?

(laughs) I mean, who gets emotional - over how cute a dog is, right?

(laughs) - Oh.

People with something missing inside of them?

(both laugh) Will you excuse me a minute?

Mm-hmm.

- Hi, cutie.

(chuckles)

- (Mario whimpers) Annabelle, you got to help me out.

Mr.

Miller, in 30 minutes, I'll have a barstool and a high chair.

I might be able to get you a table, but I can't guarantee that your mariachi band is gonna hang around.

- (beep)

- I'm so sorry.

Can you please hold?

Come on, Miller.

Bob, I don't have time for this.

- Clock's ticking, bub!

- I know.

But the hostess just offered me a barstool and a high chair,

- and I think I have to take it.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let me talk to her.

Merge me.

Merge me.

You asked for it.

Here's Annabelle.

Nobody say a word.

Hey.

I'm not doing anything.

- What are you doing?

- I have to get this out of my system.

(high-pitched): Mmm!

You want to cuddle with Mommy?

You want to cuddle with Mommy?

What's your name?

Oh, widdle baby tired.

He-wo.

He-wo.

What's your name?

Is it Mario?

Yes, it is.

Yes, it is!

Okay.

Okay.

I got that out of my system.

Now we have to go sign some paperwork.

Paperwork for a dog?

What, are we buying or leasing?

- Just get there fast, okay?

- We can do fast.

I like this.

We got this.

(exhales) Fast, fast, fast.

You guys still on the phone?

Mr.

Miller, I did not realize you were taking care of a sick relative.

If you can get here in the next 30 minutes, I can squeeze you in to a normal table.

Thank you.

30 minutes.

Thank you.

BOB: Nick, go!

Hey, Annabelle.

Tell me, uh you do a nice rib eye?

Oh, no.

Between me and you, it's trash.

That's enough.

- Cannot drink it, so I'm gonna pour it.

- (chuckles) CECE: Hey, Schmidt.

It's getting a little late.

Maybe we should, you know, move along to that second location.

(sighs) Cecilia I have something I need to say to you.

Okay.

Um first, let me say what an amazing mother and woman and partner you are.

And deep down, I truly do I truly do believe that you are a good person.

A good person who likes Jews.

- You like Jews just fine.

- Schmidt?

I'm nervous about us getting pregnant again.

You are?

Why?

Because your temperament while pregnant is, um Wish I had the words.

- Winnie.

- Hmm?

- He have the words for you?

- The words he used were - "constant terror.

" - Why would you repeat that?

Well, 'cause you know I'm scared of Cece.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I was a little bit moody while I was creating life with my body.

Aly, can you believe this?

- Well - Well?

Okay, d-don't be mad, but I have never, ever seen anyone be pregnant the way that you were pregnant.

So much so that, for evidence, I decided to capture it on my phone.

CECE (on phone): What genius got us a Jolly Jumper?

Who got us the Jol Okay, Vandana Auntie, way to go.

You see, we already have a Jolly Jumper.

So put the tuna salad down.

Put it down!

Tuna salad is for people who use the registry.

Boo!

Everybody boo.

- Why are you not booing?!

- I honestly don't

- remember that.

- Oh, it's okay, Cecilia.

Also, thanks for having my back, Aly.

Whoa.

I do not have your back.

Yeah, I've also never seen someone pregnant the way you were pregnant.

You were a coddling, blubbering mess.

Aly, come closer, I want you to capture the luminescence

- of Cece's hair.

- Shut up and keep brushing.

You are a lifemaker.

You have the jewel of life inside of you.

Cece, what do you need?

I'll get you anything you need.

You'll never have to move again.

That was hard for me to watch.

- Uh, I was unbearable.

- Yeah, we both were.

(chuckles) Hate to see if you had any videos of me

- in that phone, which you don't

- I do.

Mountie costume!

JUDITH: Since this is a fourth-floor loft, will you be creating a fire plan with Mario?

We'd love his input.

She means yes.

Man, you got a lot of questions, Judith.

And if you were on a walk with Mario and you encountered a coyote, what would you do?

I'd run away.

(chuckles)

- He's joking.

- No.

I mean, what I would do is I'd pick up Mario, and then I'd run away.

And who would take Mario if your relationship were to end?

Oh, thank God.

That's an easy one.

I would take him.

- If we break up, I'd take him.

- What?!

- You think we're gonna break up?

- I didn't say No, no, no, no.

JUDITH: You know what?

I actually I missed a question.

How do you feel about pee pads?

JESS: So in your vision of the future, we break up, you get to take Mario, and I'm left alone with some poop bags?

- What are poop bags?

- They're the bags that you put the dog's poop in.

Why would you put dog poo in bags, Jess?

It was a hypothetical question.

But you answered it so quickly.

Because I thought we were trying to rush Judith.

We were.

I just didn't think you'd be able to answer that question so easily.

I mean, do you see us breaking up?

No, I don't want to break up ever.

I just

- (phone ringing) Hold on.

Sorry.

- Who is that?

It's just the restaurant we're having dinner tonight, okay?

- It's no big deal.

- Look, I know this might not be the most convenient time to talk about this, but we're about to become parents to a dog, and I need to know we're on the same page.

We are on the same page.

I'm really sorry.

- I have to answer this one.

- You need to take a phone call when I'm telling you how I feel about our relationship?

You know what?

Let me take that phone call.

Hello?

Annabelle from Beso.

Well, we're not coming.

Okay.

Bye.

Where were we?

- You know what's crazy?

- Mm.

Even after seeing all those videos, I still want to have another baby with you more than anything else in the whole wide world.

Me, too, more than anything.

Things are gonna be so different this time.

I'm gonna give you so much space.

I'm gonna be so pro-Semitic, that little beanie you wear on the top of your head is gonna spin.

Feels like a rough start, but I appreciate the effort.

- Let's go to the hotel.

- We're never gonna make it there and back in time to relieve the babysitter.

You know what?

I know someplace on the way.

There's no way that they're home.

Nick is keeping those dinner reservations, I guarantee it.

I didn't know when and I didn't know why, but I knew that one day I'd be having sex in this loft again.

I hope Winston's room still has that exercise bike in it.

- I have an idea.

- Mm.

You wouldn't think that woman would have a urinal in her bathroom.

No, I can't go out looking like this.

- I can't stay in looking like this.

- Uh What?!

No!

You seeing this?!

I ain't got no sense of fashion.

You weren't gonna tell me?

- I did, many times.

- Then why didn't you leave me?!

I did, when you bought those banana-yellow bird pants, but I came back because I love you just a little more than I hate those pants.

(chuckles) Why-why are you taking them off?

I just missed seeing your face with my own eyes.

Look, I know there's a lot of beautiful things that I have not seen, but nothing in this world will make me take my eyes off of you.

Why are you so sweet to me?

- (Winston chuckles) - Mm.

But we only have these for a few more hours, and I want you to see as much as you can, babe.

All right, what's next?

I want to see some classic movies in color: Citizen Kane, Schindler's List Ooh, I got bad news for you.

(chuckles) This is a surprise.

A real slobber goblin tonight, huh?

What are you talking about?

- Cece?

- What?

We are not alone in this bed.

- (both screaming)

- (Mario barking)

- Aah!

Whoa!

Aah!

Wait!

- (Cece shrieking) No!

- (shrieking) - No, no.

Dog!

- No!

- Dog!

Horny dog!

That terrier att*cked my sensitive area!

Okay, how do you think I feel?

You confused me for a dog.

I've never seen a naked man before.

Oh, what are you guys doing here?

- Who are these people?

- We're trying for another baby.

Oh, my God.

Congratulations!

We're adopting a dog!

No, you're not.

I've had enough.

I'm taking Mario.

Wait!

Don't take that dog.

Jess deserves Mario.

This woman is amazing.

She's gonna love that dog so much that she's gonna pick up its poop and keep it in bags.

- (Mario whimpers) - Oh, wait!

Mario!

Mario?!

Where are you?!

Mario?!

- There he is!

- (Mario barking)

- Mario!

- Mario!

Mario!

Is that Nick and Jess?

- Mario!

- Mario!

Mario?

Mario?

Mario?

(barking) I got eyes on him!

(grunts) - Okay.

- (Mario whimpers) Oh, my God.

You got him.

That was heroic.

I mean, it was so stupid, but it really it was heroic.

- Yeah.

- Mario.

I am so mad at you, but I love you.

I mean, first you're running away from us, now you're happy to see us.

You are all over the map, Mario Day-Miller.

- (phone ringing) - I got to grab that.

Is that my dad?

Yes, yeah, your dad He, uh he calls me every time he he meets somebody from Chicago.

I mean, he'll ask me, he'll go, "Do you know Tim from Chicago?

'Cause he doesn't know you.

" And then I just say "No," and then, yeah.

That doesn't make any sense.

My dad doesn't even like you.

Well, that's what happens - Whatever.

Who cares?

- Wait.

Beso's where we went on our first date.

Did we?

I'm restaurant blind.

I don't remember restaurants.

Okay, now, we got to get Mario back home before Judith remembers she wants to take him back.

Let's go!

Let's go!

Wait.

(gasps) Sweat back!

Nick, you're lying to me.

Oh, my God.

Nick, this dinner were you gonna?

Jess, I had been planning this for so long.

I just wanted everything to be perfect.

But it is perfect.

I mean, it's us, so this is as perfect as it gets.

Okay.

(gasps) Is he about to?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

All right.

He's been keeping the engagement ring in a plastic bag.

It's not even a Ziploc bag.

It's just a generic plastic bag.

(sighs) Jessica Day (laughs) will you marry me?

Nick, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I want to raise this dog with you, and I want to have babies and eat good food and laugh and take care of each other.

And I want it to start tonight.

It's you and me.

It's It's always been you and me.

- Is that a "yes"?

- Yes!

Yes!

She said yes!

- I've had the time of my life

- (Jess laughs) No, I never felt this way before Oh, USC's never getting these glasses back.

- They can take my bone marrow.

- (Aly laughs) (laughter) Okay, so who gets the dog if you get a divorce?

ALL: Shut up, Judith!

- Dad, I said yes!

- I did it, Bob.

Oh, I don't know why you spent so much of the story talking about that color-blind friend of yours, but I'm so happy!

Dad, can you lean away?

You're blowing out the speaker.

- (sobbing)

- Dad, are you okay?

His reaction doesn't bode well for the speech at the wedding.

What do you mean?

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Cheers to you, too.

Oh.

(crying)