04x01 - Success Failure

[bunniefuu]

No, I'll get my car tomorrow.
I had too many.

Got an Uber coming. Thank you.

That was fast.

Hello. For Jim?

RICHARD: Yep.

Oh, would you... would you care for a water?

Why are your fingers orange?

It's... It's iodine.

I've been... biting my nails, so I put this on there to stop me from doing it.

Looks like Cheetos, tastes like assh*le.

So, what do you do?

Venture capital over at Wood Opal.

Wow.

Wow. Good.

- Mm-hmm.
- (RINGING)

Uh, can I take this?

- Sure.
- All right.

Hello, hi!

My goodness, this video chat app

is light-years ahead of anything else out there on the market.

I agree.

Yes, and you can add multiple concurrent users with no loss in picture quality, even on conventional G.

Let's see what happens when we add more friends.

Hi, friend. What's up?

Hello, friend.

JARED: Hey, should we add another friend?

Yeah, we should.

How many friends can we conference at the same time?

Well, thanks to the amazing new TURN server, as many as you like.

What if someone is in an area with poor cellular reception?

I doubt it would even work.

- And if it did, the lag, the video quality...
- (SIGHS)

that would be horrible.

Well, let's find out.

Could you keep your eyes on the road, please?

Yeah, got it. I'm on it.

Hey, friends.

Wow! Look at that. The image is so clear.

We all look amazing, don't we?

- Yeah, we really do.
- Yes.

Is that really just on a cell signal?

Uh, yes.

This is the amazing new company PiperChat.

Wait a minute.

I saw you at TechCrunch.
You're Richard Hendricks.

- The very same. Yeah.
- You're the f*cking guy that tried to walk into Coleman Blair with fraudulent numbers.

- No!
- GILFOYLE: Uh-oh.

- JARED: That was my fault.
- Yes, but no.

I mean, that... that's the old thing.
This is the new thing, and I can assure you, it's very, very real.

You're not even my driver. This says Sandeep in an Escalade.

- GILFOYLE: Ah, sh*t.
- Look, look.

No one will even talk to us, which is crazy.

We just surpassed , daily active users and we're growing at a rate of percent, organically, week over week.

Richard, that's Facebook-level growth.

- Pull over now.
- DINESH: That is great!

ERLICH: Richard, Richard, do not pull over.

You will never see him again if he gets out.

I am not involved!

ERLICH: Richard, can you hear me?

Okay, for real, Richard.
You have to pull over.

- Richard, do not... do not pull over.
- You'll never see him again.

- Hey, are you on the shitter?
- Pull the f*ck over.

- ERLICH: Richard!
- Okay.

What the f*ck? Are you seriously trying to kidnap me right now?

No. It's the locks. I... I don't know.
It's not my car.

Child locks are on.

I was babysitting my friend Gloria's great-granddaughter.

- It's on the left.
- (BEEPS)

- Got it. Look, look, look.
- God damn it!

Come on. Listen to me.

We are desperate. We need funding.

- You need funding?
- Yes.

Hit a million daily active users while sustaining the same kind of growth, then everybody in town will be trying to kidnap you.

Problem solved.

ERLICH: Yeah, easy for you to say.

Can you imagine how much these servers are costing me

just to keep this ship afloat?

Right, and every new user increases our server cost.

Really? I'm sorry.

Is it hard to become a billionaire?

Welcome to the Valley, assholes.

- (SIGHS) f*ck.
- (DOOR CLOSES)

- GILFOYLE: What a d*ck.
- Well, assuming we don't get arrested, looks like we have to work our asses off

- to reduce our hosting bill.
- (DOOR OPENS)

(STAMMERS)

- Hi.
- Hi.

If you actually get to a million users... call me. My cell's on the back.

Oh, okay.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

GILFOYLE: Did you finish?

DINESH: Yeah, I just pushed my code.

Took me two f*cking days, but I broke up our entire code base into parallel services.

You know, this whole job would've been a lot easier if you hadn't designed sloppy services in the first place.

Oh, silly me.

I guess when I hacked together the video chat as an in-house tool,

I didn't foresee that hundreds of thousands of people would sh*t themselves over how f*cking awesome it was.

I'll never underestimate my talents again.

Don't worry. I'll continue to do it for you.

Less talk, more work, boys.

I'm not paying you to coffee klatsch like a bunch of f*cking yentas.

You're not paying us at all.

I'm not paying you because you're not the one getting f*cked face-first by your credit card company because of massive AWS hosting fees.

Well, you should bear percent of the company's cost, seeing as you do own percent of the company.

What's taking you so long to give us our f*cking shares?

Recapping a company is complex.

But I assure you, Big Head and I are on the case.

DINESH: You better be. We're not gonna work for free forever.

Hey, the Karachi Kid and I finished.

Did you push your code?

Uh... actually, no.

Well, Your Highness, could you please push your code?

Well, I couldn't push that code, because I didn't write that code.

What? We stayed up for two f*cking days.

Why didn't you write your code?

Well, because I was working on something much better.

(LAUGHS)

So, I started to optimize our code to handle higher tr...

You're supposed to follow me.

Oh.

I, uh, I started to optimize our code to handle higher traffic.

Then it occurred to me, why rewrite our old code when I can build a new encoder that doesn't strip away a ton of channels and metadata.

So, I extended my compression algorithm to support... get this... -bit color.

(LAUGHS)

Okay, so our users will be able to experience a percent increase in image quality with absolutely no increase in server load whatsoever.

Just-Just-Just... Just watch this.

Before.

After.

Before.

After.

Richard, I'm trying very hard not to completely lose my sh*t right now.

I get it. I get it.

After every VC in town turned us down, we decided that the best way to stay alive until we got to a million users was to cut server usage.

Remember that?

The whole reason that Gilfoyle and I stayed up for f*cking straight hours was to decrease server load, not keep it the same.

Technically, the reason why we stayed up for two days was to maximize our ability to get a million users, and I just did that.

Because who doesn't want percent better image quality?

Who doesn't want it? Everyone.

Everyone doesn't want it!

GILFOYLE: We already have the best video chat.

People are using this on their cellphones.

They're not gonna be able to tell the f*cking difference.

Guys, this is a better product, and I'm the CEO, and I'm gonna say this is where we go.

- You f*cking prick.
- Whoa.

Guys... please be civil.

- You hate the video chat.
- I don't hate the video chat, Dinesh.

You've always hated the video chat, because it's my thing, and you wanna rewrite it to make it all about you.

You're f*cking jealous.

Jealous? Jealous? (SCOFFS)

You built the video chat, I'll give you that. Okay.

You did, but you did it using my algorithm.

Right, like when Picasso painted a masterpiece, the guy who made the brushes and the paint deserved all the credit, right?

So you're Picasso now?

I think I need to... leave, but I love you guys.

Dinesh, I'm sorry, but I think we should be doing a little bit more with this revolutionary compression algorithm than passable video chat.

But we already did more, Richard.

It was called "the platform."

And it was exactly what you wanted to make, and it f*cking failed, okay?

I'm sorry, but it's bad enough that we can't get any funding because of you.

You're k*lling us out there.

Don't also sabotage us in here, too.

Pied Piper is a video chat company.

Get your head around that.

I'm quite certain I've never said this before.

I agree with Dinesh.

Well.

Oh. Well, that was just a whole heap of fun.

Ordinarily, I loathe coming to China, but when you close a deal like that, it makes the whole trip a delight.

Champagne, gentlemen?

I think that's very much in order.

I know you don't toot your own horn, so I'll do it for you.

Here to you, Jack, and to your Hooli/Endframe box becoming the most successful American data storage appliance to ever be manufactured in China.

Toot, toot.

Watch your back, Jeff Bezos, here comes Hooli.

All right, gentlemen... our flight today from Shanghai to Moffett Field in Mountain View will be just over hours, so if you'll just...

Oh, actually, I was headed up to Jackson Hole, see the wife and kids.

I... I was gonna charter up tomorrow, but maybe you could ask the boys

just to drop me off on the way?

Save me the trouble?

Of course.

Well, and I mean, it's really not a big deal,

but since we are headed east, I think Jackson is further.

Maybe we'll head to Moffett first, then have the guys hop you onto Jackson, okay?

Well... Well, actually, on flights like this, the boys like to go over the Pole, so that, technically, is a little more north to south, and Jackson is quite a bit further north.

So I think, maybe, just go to Jackson first, then head on off to Moffett. That sound good?

- Of course.
- Great.

I'm gonna get a pillow.

♪ ♪

You know what we desperately need is a palapa.

A ploppa?

A palapa.

It's a Mexican structure with palm fronds.

It's essentially a gazebo, but spicier and with a south- of-the-border kind of vibe.

I think it would make us feel less exposed.

And generally, I think it would be good for morale.

Speaking of which, morale has not exactly been skyrocketing.

So, we need to get this cap table done tout de suite.

Richard and the fellows are entitled to percent of the company.

Now, if we each give percent, we would still own percent each.

That seems fair.

Seems totally fair to me.

Dad?

Nope. Not gonna happen.

Mr. Bighetti, with all due respect, I...

If you had any respect,

you wouldn't have talked my son into wasting his money...

again.

My son's not giving up one share.

Not now, not ever.

Mr. Bighetti, if you're going to control your son's board seat, these decisions have to be unanimous.

You're going to k*ll this comp...

I don't care.

In my eyes, the company is already dead.

k*lled by you.

That's my edge.

If all I accomplish by doing this

is making you as miserable as you've made me

watching you fleece my son,

then I'm okay with that.

He seems okay with that.

So you expect me to give the percent to the gents from my percent, effectively leaving me with percent?

Yes.

No. No, no, no.

Then I would've invested thou... a half of a million dollars just to end up where I started?

Unacceptable.

I can accept that.

I'm going to bed.

- (SIGHS)
- Good night, Brown Bear.

Love you, Papa Bear.

♪ ♪

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(MUTTERS) g*dd*mn m*therf*cker.

RICHARD: I mean, the guys are right.
I'm f*cking up the company.

I'm not helping in any way.

You're certainly not helping your cuticles by biting on them.

Your nail beds are gonna get infected.

Where'd you learn how to do this, anyway?

When I was on the street, it was a means of survival.

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- I don't know, it's just that...

I mean, I almost k*lled us, the company, and that is so selfish.

I mean, if we have to get a million users, I need to get us funding, right now.

How? We've already been turned down by every respectable VC in town.

♪ ♪

Who said anything about... respectable?

Oh, Richard, no.

f*ck yes, I want to talk business.
What's the play?

Let's f*ck this thing right in the p*ssy.

- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
- Thanks for meeting me here.

My f*cking nanny got another DUI and lost her license, and I'm stuck picking up

my own kid like an assh*le.
So what's up?

- (PEOPLE CHATTERING)
- Uhh...

Well, I know you wanted to buy Erlich's Pied Piper shares back in the previous iteration, the platform.

Well, I was hoping you would want to come on as a follow-on investor

- for the current platform.
- The video chat?

Yeah. It's got a great tech.
We're growing like crazy.

In fact, that's why we need funding, to keep up with the users, and I think it could be really good if we could just keep it going.

No, you don't.

What?

You don't like it.

You don't believe in this product you're selling.

(STAMMERS) Russ, no, that's...
It's a good, sound business.

As I said, the tech is great and all the guys are really behind it.

But you're not behind it, Richard.

I can tell, and as much as you want to be, you're not.

It's like this.

You're trying to date a woman,

- but deep down in your heart you know you're gay.
- Uhh...

Deep in your soul, you know you would rather be plowing a dude!

I don't... I do... Okay, what dude?

It could be any dude, as long as you really want to f*ck him.

It could be a... a twink, a bear, an otter, a circuit queen, a chub, a pup, a gipster, a daddy chaser, a leather man, a ladyboy, a Donald Duck.

- (STAMMERS)
- Donald Duck's a gay guy who's been kicked out of the Navy.

H-How do you know so many gay things?

My grandfather just came out of the closet. Beautiful. Very inspiring.

But the point is, if you're gonna spend all day f*cking, shouldn't Pied Piper be a dude you wanna f*ck?

All right. Let's do an exercise.

You've got unlimited time and resources, you can build anything in the world you want with your compression, anything at all, what's it gonna be?

- Three, two, one, go. Go, go, go.
- (STAMMERS)

- You said I have unlimited time?
- Now. Now, now!

A new Internet.

What? Why?

Okay. Well, I haven't really thought this through, so...

Okay.

- I own a telescope...
- Of course you do. and I brought it out one night to look at the full moon.

- Of course you did.
- And I got to thinking...

"Wow, we put a man on the moon using the computing power of a handheld calculator."

And then I thought, "Okay...

"there's literally millions of times

"more computing power in my phone and that's just sitting in my pocket doing nothing." Right?

So then I thought, there's, what, billions of phones all around the world with the same computing power just sitting in people's pockets.

So then I thought, "What if we use all those phones to build a massive network?"

And here's the kicker... We use my compression algorithm to make everything small and efficient to move things around, and... if we could do it...

we could build a completely decentralized version of our current Internet, with no firewalls, no tolls, no government regulation, no spying. Information...

would be totally free in every sense of the word.

You wanna build a new Internet?

- Yeah, it's...
- Richard, I like it.

That I would fund.

Well, I-I... I don't know if it's possible, and...

Look, if this new Internet is the man of your dreams and this is the man that you wanna f*ck, then you need to f*ck him.

That man I will pay you to f*ck.

Where the f*ck is that kid?

Wait a minute.

Aw, sh*t.

They kicked us out of this place.

I'm at the wrong f*cking school.

Richard, you find that man, f*ck him good.

- (ENGINE REVVING)
- Careful please. He's gonna peel out.

♪ Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort ♪

(TIRES SCREECH)

Monica, I need to...

Oh. You're not...

Monica? No. Thank God. I'm Ed Chen.

Laurie put me in the good office and moved Monica down the hall.

Way down the hall.

Okay. Sorry.

You're gonna listen to Russ Hanneman?

Richard, you sound like a crazy person.

I know, but... but Russ is right.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

I mean, I hate the video chat.
I really do.

- Oh...
- What?

Oh, wow, you can see right into the...

Yeah, I'm very aware.

Laurie is punishing me for taking your side and going against her, so she moved me down here and gave my office to that little brownnosing sh*t, Ed Chen.

Anyway, Richard, you're not gonna seriously go home and tell the guys in your company that even though your user rates are skyrocketing that you wanna pivot.

For the past hours,

I've been trying to rewrite the core video chat code, and I literally can't.

Instead of typing, I just bite my fingernails.

I think, subconsciously, I would rather bite my own fingers off than work on this platform.

Richard, I know people who have spent their entire careers chasing after an app with this kind of growth rate and never hit it.

It's a really good product.

That may be, but it's not for me.

And look, I know these guys are my friends, but they're also my employees, and it's my company.

So... if I say we have to pivot, we pivot.

Okay. I-I... I have to go.

All right. Well, if you're sure, then tell them and then call me and tell...

What? No, I... I have to go.

There's another men's room on the fourth floor.

Right. 'Cause then you would've seen mine twice. (CHUCKLES)

♪ ♪

I mean, we're all thinking it, right?

Richard is f*cking with a product that is working.

He should not be the CEO of this company.

- (SIGHS)
- I understand your concerns, but is this the time that we fire Richard?

Is this the moment that I become the CEO?

You? Why you?

It's a simple process of elimination.

Gilfoyle, as an anarchist would never accept a position of authority

- in any official organization.
- None.

And you, of course, are out of the picture, because Gilfoyle would never allow it.

Yeah, that's true.

And Jared, he'd sooner commit hara-kiri than... replace little baby Richard.

So that leaves me.

And honestly, gents, who would you rather have defending your four percent stake in the company...

- Five.
- What?

- Five percent.
- You said four. Was it...

You said three, and then you had...

- No, it's five.
- GILFOYLE: Five.

You know what? I'm gonna back channel, look at some notes, and we'll get to it.

In the meantime, if and when... we are to depose Richard, I am his obvious heir.

Erlich, no offense, but the board is you, Richard, and my dad, right?

So, I think that means you and my dad would have to agree on who replaces Richard, and pretty sure my dad would, like, never approve you.

- It's just not gonna happen.
- Thank you.

- Yeah.
- There is someone else.

Someone who has zero strikes against him.

Someone who has held high-level positions at one of the biggest tech companies in the Valley.

Someone who's been on the cover of one of the most prestigious tech publications in the world.

He sounds awesome.

Could we get him?

♪ ♪

And as of now, we've got the votes... of enough key Malaysian ministers to proceed with construction, but that support is time-critical.

Carol's right. We'd have to break ground before monsoon season or else the entire project could collapse.

So, what do you think?

Sorry. About what?

About the factory.

Ah. The factory.

The factory.

(DOOR OPENS)

Excuse me for a moment.

(CLEARS THROAT)

- So, what have you got?
- Well, sir, I did as you asked.

I flew the company plane to Shanghai, then Moffett, then Jackson Hole.

Then I flew back to Shanghai, then to Jackson Hole, then to Moffett, which is where I just landed.

- And?
- Moffett is . minutes closer.

I f*cking knew it!

Barker should've dropped you off first, sir.

Wait. What about headwinds or storm activity?

I don't want to give him any room to wriggle out of this.

Here's what I'm gonna need you to do.

Fly each leg five more times and average them.

It's the only way to be sure.

And we're not concerned with the expense of more private transcontinental flights?

Of course we are.

Jack Barker is costing the shareholders of this company a fortune, and he must be stopped.

I'll go back to Moffett right now.

Good. Call me each time you're in Shanghai.

- I'll see you in a week.
- Yes, sir.

♪ ♪

Guys?

sh*t, he came in the back.

Richard, we need to talk.

Well, actually, let me just say something first here.

I don't think Pied Piper should be a video chat company.

The balls on you.

Richard, we've all decided you are out. Big Head is in.

Not my call.

Richard, we just can't keep f*cking pivoting.

- We won't do it again.
- Just wait for a second, okay?

Just... You're not getting it. Please.

Uh, I'm quitting.

Wait. What?

Richard, I was waiting out front!

They want to ambush you and replace you with Big Head, but I had nothing to do with it.

Again, not my call.

I was ready to fight you guys, but then, on the way home, it occurred to me there might be a better way.

I'm going to start my own company.

I will give up all of my equity in the video chat if I get to completely own my algorithm.

I will grant you guys a perpetual license to use the algorithm in your video chat, but I need the algorithm to build something else.

And look, forget a million users, with me out of the company, you guys would be able to raise money, no problem.

And that way, everybody wins.

So we can use the algorithm, free and clear, for video chat?

Yes.

I mean, we... we shouldn't even be talking about this.

And you would leave behind your percent, thus giving me enough equity to compensate the boys fairly and Big Head's father would retain his percent?

I think that's right. Yes.

And I would own percent of your new company.

Wait. What? Why?

The algorithm was developed here in the Incubator.

Richard, shame on you.

Well, dealbreaker. Let's... Should we get some food?

No, no. That's okay. It's fine.

And I'm here for advice, or advice for the new CEO, whoever that may be.

To wit, uh...

I know it's probably not my place to give this suggestion, but I think it should be Dinesh.

- What?
- What?

- What?
- What?

- Yeah. Sorry, Big Head.
- What?

Yeah. Dinesh, you were the one that hacked together the video chat in the first place.

You know the product inside and out.

You are the horse that I would bet on.

You really think so?

I do.

I'm down. Gilfoyle?

Gilfoyle, can I please be CEO of Pied Piper?

Spoken like a true leader.

But since your failure as a leader is a virtual certainty, tolerating your short reign as CEO in exchange for a front-row seat to the disaster seems fair.

Plus, if I'm wrong, which I'm not...

I get rich. So I'm down with it, Dinesh.

Jared, what do you think about this?

I think this is crazy.

I left my job at Hooli to... to come work with you, Richard.

And... and now you're leaving?

Look, these guys, they're gonna need you, so if you want to support me, you support them.

Think you can do that?

JARED: I've always been very adept at taking the shape of whatever shoe was pressed down upon me, so I can try to make it work.

ERLICH: Then it's settled.

Dinesh is the new CEO of Pied Piper.

Oh. Actually, just one last thing.

I think you guys should call yourselves PiperChat.

I'm gonna have to insist that I keep the name Pied Piper, and I won't budge on that.

- Yeah, it's totally fine.
- Okay, yeah. Who gives a sh*t?

- That's fine.
- Terrible f*cking name.

Let's get to work.

Congratulations.

So, wait. I don't have to be CEO, right?

Dinesh is going to do that?

ERLICH: All right. Let's figure out how this gets split up.

(GUYS CHATTERING)

DINESH: Let's see.

And, um... yeah.

- RICHARD: Jared...
- (DINESH SPEAKS INDISCERNIBLY)

go.

Go on, man.

Get out of here.

ERLICH: Dinesh, you'll get five percent.

Gilfoyle, five percent.

- Jared, five percent.
- DINESH: Yeah. Okay, so we all get five, not four.

ERLICH: Now you said... you said four?

DINESH: No, five. I said five.

Jared, can we get five more engineers?

ERLICH: That's... That would come out of Jared's percentage.

- DINESH: No.
- (GUYS CHATTERING)

♪ ♪

(SIGHS)

You wanted to see me, Skipper?

I did indeed.

Jack, I appreciate everything you've done in your position as head of the Hooli/Endframe box, but I think the company's needs are better suited if I move you elsewhere.

Really?

Well, I appreciate the vote of confidence, GB.

(STAMMERS) I'm flattered.

Frankly, little bit surprised.

Why would you be surprised?
Can you think of any reason

why you don't deserve a promotion?

I mean, anything at all? Well...

I don't want to hurt my arm patting myself on the back, but... right off the top of my head...

No, I guess not.

I mean, you've always been straight with me, right?

Straight to the point.

I sure have.

And you've always gone out of your way for me, yes?

Always put me first?
Gone the extra mile?

Gosh... I sure tried.

Did you?

(LAUGHS) All right, Jack.

Professor. Gary in HR will set you up.

Enjoy your new offices.

Thank you, sir.

♪ ♪

Oh, hey. Would you like to see your desk?

Okay.

Here it is.

This is your desk.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

♪ The-the-the system will defeat itself ♪

♪ Nothin' stays in a steady state ♪

♪ It overheats and melts ♪

♪ It only feeds itself ♪

♪ The system, yo, I think it exists ♪

♪ Just because like a pit eats its pups ♪

♪ Eats its own litter up, the system's f*cked, it's corrupt ♪

♪ It's for its own survival, it's genocidal ♪

♪ No place of origin, no beginning cycle ♪

♪ Let's occupy all streets ♪

♪ It's crazy to think in the ' s I wanted minks ♪

♪ And a Benz to listen to Michael ♪

♪ And Grand Poobah, Maxwell ♪

♪ To get cash while I'm sipping on drinks ♪

♪ In Nike sweatsuits and Gucci links ♪

♪ I'm like a Russian mob figure, I'm mad low ♪

♪ In the shadows, big up to Shadow ♪

♪ D-D-DJ Shadow, we rose to throw blows ♪

♪ Can't see me, but Nas moving the fastest ♪

♪ I'm a D movie, no needed glasses ♪

♪ I'm a D movie, no needed glasses ♪

♪ Hold your breath for seconds ♪

♪ Close your eyes, cover your ears, do not listen ♪

♪ Try to feel what I'm sayin' ♪

♪ To make you feel is ♪

♪ My new expression, new expression ♪