02x05 - Labyrinth

[bunniefuu]

INT. - OFFICE BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY

[Gomey sits at the information desk in his security guard uniform. He's giving a woman directions.]

Gomey: (points) It's the second set of elevators to the right.

[The woman smiles and heads down the hall.]

[Titlecard: Los Angeles, California - Present Day]

[Gomey sits down and looks at his security monitor with a grin.]

Gomey: Holy sh*t.

[On the monitor is the image from a security camera in the building's stairwell. A man and a woman are having sex.]

[Gomey looks around then dials the phone.]

Gomey: (phone) Mark. You will not believe what I'm looking at!

[Opening titles]

INT. - BETTE'S HOUSE - MORNING

[Someone knocks at the door. Bette, in her robe, opens it - it's Tina, with her bags.]

Tina: I can't live in a stranger's guest house or some motel and I'm not going back to Alice's couch. I don't think it's fair that I'm being punished for something that I didn't do. So I'm going to stay in the guest room until I find a place of my own.

Bette: (smiling) Welcome home.

Tina: I'm not home.

[Tina steps inside the doorway. Bette takes a look at her.]

Tina: I've gained some weight.

Bette: (smiling) I don't care.

Tina: Oh, you don't even care? That's nice.

[Tina walks off.]

Bette: No, what I meant to say is that I'm just happy to be looking at you... standing... here... in our... house.

[Tina didn't stand around to hear anything Bette said. Bette sighs.]

INT. - THE GARAGE - DAY

[The video of the couple having sex in the stairwell plays on Mark's computer monitor. Mark is working on his video camera. Gomey is watching the video.]

Mark: Well? Definitely an award winner.

Gomey: f*ck you, man. This is a quality f*ck tape!

Mark: (to camera) Mark here, testing, testing.

Gomey: What are you up to?

Mark: Ah, I'm starting a new project.

Gomey: Well, what is it?

Mark: You'll see.

Gomey: Hey, I'm your partner, you gotta tell me.

Mark: Look, I'm not ready to talk about it yet, okay? It's still in its concept stages. But I will tell you that it is genius.

EXT. - L.A. STREET - DAY

[Shane and Jenny walk down the sidewalk. Jenny's hair is short and she's dressed in new clothes and sunglasses. She walks with confidence.]

[They pass a girl who gives Jenny a good look. Shane laughs.]

Jenny: What?

[Shane dances in front of Jenny as they walk.]

Shane: You just got cruised.

[Jenny turns to look at the girl.]

Jenny: Do you think she was looking at me?

Shane: Oh yeah, in broad daylight, too.

[Jenny and Shane put their arms around each other and keep walking.]

Jenny: I love my haircut.

[Jenny gives Shane a kiss on the cheek. Shane grins.]

Jenny: (kissing) Mwah!

INT. - BETTE'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY

[Tina is having a bubble bath. A knock comes at the door. She quickly covers her breasts with bubbles. Bette walks in, carrying towels.]

Bette: I'm sorry, I just - I just wanted to give you some fresh towels.

[Bette averts her eyes and sets the towels down. She turns and starts to walk back out.]

Tina: Bette? There's something I need to talk to you about.

[Bette keeps her back to Tina. She looks a little worried.]

Bette: Okay...

Tina: Maybe later? You'll be home tonight?

Bette: I will be if you want me to be.

Tina: I'll see you tonight, then okay?

[Bette smiles just a little.]

Bette: Okay.

[Bette leaves. Tina looks deep in thought.]

INT. - THE GARAGE - DAY

[Mark sits in front of his video camera and presses the button on a remote control. The camera starts taping.]

Mark: (to camera) Hey. Uh, my name is Mark Wayland, and I live in a house with two lesbians. Now I know what you're probably thinking. You're wondering if I've hit it yet. Well, the thing is they're two real lesbians. Or else I would've. But don't worry, I'm still gonna try. Anyway, um... this is gonna be a - a project which will offer insight... ah, that's f*cking lame.

[Mark gets up and picks up the camera.]

EXT. - THE CAC - DAY

[Shiny museum exterior.]

INT. - THE CAC - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY

[Bette is sitting on the couch. James knocks on the door.]

Bette: Come in.

[James slides the door open and pokes his head in.]

Bette: Shut the door. Here, sit.

[James sits.]

Bette: Does, um, does Tina have an appointment to see an apartment today?

James: (rubs forehead) Uh, no, not today, the owner wasn't available but -

Bette: I want you to take your time. Don't... push it.

James: (nodding) Okay, but Tina needs a place...

Bette: You call her at home, and tell her that you're working on it... I don't want you to lie... I just... want you to take your time.

James: When you say call her at home, should I call her at the...

Bette: (smiling) At our home. She moved back in this morning.

James: (grins) That's great, that's what you wanted, right?

[Bette's smile fades a little.]

James: So why don't I just cancel it?

Bette: Well, because in her mind, she's... thinking that it's only temporary, you know, she's still planning on finding a place of her own and I'm just hoping that once she's ensconced, she'll decide to stay.

James: I see, so, you want us to take our time looking but still help Tina look but not really look too hard.

Bette: (winks, grinning) Exactly.

[James heads back to his desk.]

INT. - JENNY AND SHANE'S HOUSE - DAY

[Seen through Mark's camera. The front door opens. Jenny and Shane come in, carrying takeout.]

Shane: Aw, f*ck, Mark, not again.

Mark: Guys, guys, just two minutes, hear me out. I got something to say and I think you're really gonna like it.

[Jenny shakes her head 'no' and heads for the couch.]

Jenny: Well I think that's wildly presumptuous of you, Mark.

[Shane stands by the living room window, staring out. Mark sits in front of the camera, on the coffee table.]

Jenny: Hey, Shane.

Shane: Hm?

Mark: (to camera) Hello. Mark here, asking the girls if they're in. I'm about to show them that this is mainly about me, that I would never ask them to expose themselves if I wasn't, like, willing to expose myself, like, way more.

[Jenny sits down on the couch and gets the food out. Shane sits next to her.]

Mark: (to camera) For example, I may tell about the time my boy Gomey used to hide in the closet when I brought back girls to our dorm room.

[Mark gives a knowing nod and wink to the camera. Shane and Jenny stare at him, at a loss for words.]

Jenny: That... isn't exactly... a self-revelation, Mark.

Mark: (to camera) Oh, I'll dig. I can go way deeper.

Shane: And what does this have to do with us?

Mark: Right. Okay. So.

[The girls start eating. Mark gets up and goes to sit on the floor near them. The scene is no longer through his camera lens.]

Mark: I'm starting a new project.

Jenny: That's great.

Mark: Yeah. It is great. It's gonna be kind of like this, um... this journal of my life with the two of you guys. Basically it's just gonna be interviews every so often, and after awhile you won't even know the cameras are around.

Jenny: Mm-hmm.

Mark: I think this is going to be the best thing I've ever done.

Jenny: Mm-hmm.

Mark: Really. And if I could just get some footage, which (motioning to camera) you know, obviously I think I can (chuckles), then I know that I can get this thing financed and we can all get paid, which is something I know you both need.

Jenny: (chewing) Mark, I think that there is a lot of "I"s contradicting the "we"s in your run-on sentence.

[Shane chuckles as she takes a bite of her bagel.]

Mark: Hmm. Well, that is because I am going to handle all of the details while you two just sit back and be your gorgeous, sexy selves. And get paid for that. Plus! I mean, honestly, think about how - how educational this is gonna be for people who don't know anything about people like you.

[Mark is looking desperate. Jenny and Shane look at each other.]

Jenny: (to Shane) What do you think he -

Shane: (smiling) Ohh, my!

Jenny: (blinking) What do you think he means, people like us?

Shane: Oh!

Jenny: What do you think he means?

Shane: Oh, I think he's referring to... bean-fiddlers?

Jenny: (gasping) Ohhh, the bobbing-for-apple girls.

Shane: (smiling) Yes! Sassiness. Oh, yes.

Jenny: (to Mark) Yes, the gay women.

Mark: (pouty) But honestly, guys. Just think. I mean, think about how much you're gonna be

Shane: I know.

Mark: - helping out some poor little lonely lez -

Jenny: (mock sadness) Oh, yes.

Mark: - stuck out in the Midwest, without a role model in sight.

[Jenny and Shane both put on pouty faces, mocking Mark.]

Jenny: Very important.

Mark: That could be you two.

Jenny: (nodding) Mm-hmm.

Mark: Okay. Just to show you -

Jenny: Yes.

Mark: - how very certain I am that I will get this funded, I will give you both twenty bucks, a piece, per interview, of my own money.

Jenny: Is this gonna be like a... (to Shane) What's the thing called. Uh.

Shane: Oh! Um.

Jenny: (nodding) Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shane: Oh, right, right, right. The lesbians -

Shane/Jenny: "Lesbians Gone Wild."

Shane: (smiling) Sure.

Jenny: Or is this gonna be like... you know - or the Maysles Brothers?

Mark: (suavely) ... meets D.A. Pennebaker... with a little bit of... Nick Broomfield thrown in there. What do you think?

[Jenny looks at Shane then takes a bite of her bagel.]

Mark: Well?

Jenny: Okay.

Mark: Yes? Okay?

Shane: No.

[Mark looks at Jenny.]

Shane: No. We'll think about it.

Jenny: (nodding) Mm-hmm.

Mark: Okay.

INT. - ADULT TOY STORE - DAY

[Tonya and Dana are looking at dildos on one side of the room; Alice is on the other, looking at vibrators.]

Tonya: How cute would these be for the bachelorette gift bags?

[Dana laughs.]

Tonya: Oh, my god!

[Tonya picks up a really long dildo and starts swinging it over her head.]

Tonya: Ahh, wooooo!

[Dana smiles and gives Tonya a 'no' look. Tonya puts the dildo between her legs and juts her hips forward, causing it to sling up and down. She makes loud, grunting noises.]

Tonya: Oof! Oof!

[They laugh. Alice turns to them.]

Alice: Uh, guys? Guys.

[Tonya and Dana stop, looking like they're being called down by a parent.]

Alice: Yeah. I could probably take care of this whole gift bag shopping thing myself.

[Tonya slings the dildo around, non-chalant.]

Tonya: No, no, are you kidding? This is like the best part!

[Tonya spots little lollipops shaped like breasts and penises on a table nearby, and her eyes go wide.]

Tonya: (gasps) Oh, my god!

[She goes over and picks up one of the tiny chocolate penises. Dana and Alice cast disapproving glances at one another.]

Tonya: Ladies, how about a little of this!

[Tonya starts moaning loudly, giving head to the lollipop.]

Dana: Tonya, Tonya... (laughing) Stop it.

[Dana takes the lollipop away. Alice covers her mouth and looks away, hiding her reaction.]

Tonya: It's nice!

Dana: (seriously) Stop it.

[Tonya's shoulders drop.]

Tonya: (to Alice) (chuckling) She's not a fan. But I guess this is a little more up your alley, isn't it, Alice?

[Tonya holds the tiny penis out for Alice. Alice grabs a lollipop from the table that's shaped like a breast, and holds it up.]

Alice: Actually, Tonya, this might be a little bit more up my alley.

Tonya: More than this?

Alice: Yeah, maybe a little.

Tonya: Oh, really?

Alice: Mm-hmm.

[Dana takes the breast and the penis away from them.]

Dana: Okay, stop it, both of you!

[Tonya and Alice glare daggers at each other. Dana holds the two lollipops up to Alice.]

Dana: Which one would you rather put in your mouth, Al?

[Alice is silent. She looks at the lollipops, then squints at Dana. Tonya's eyes go wide.]

Tonya: (gasps) I don't understand you bisexuals! I mean, really, make up your minds already. (to Dana) Right, honey?

[Tonya grabs Dana's arm and yanks it, walking off.]

Dana: (bitchy) (to Alice) Make up your minds already.

[Alice snatches the breast lollipop from Dana. Tonya and Dana walk off. Pissed, Alice takes a bite of the lollipop and walks in another direction.]

INT. - JENNY AND SHANE'S HOUSE - DAY

[Mark is behind the camera, filming his interview with Jenny and Shane who sit on the opposite couch. We see them through the camera again.]

Mark: Hey, I've got a question for you. What is the primary lesbian sex act?

Jenny: The primary lesbian sex act?

Mark: Yeah, well for straight people it's f*cking, right?

Jenny: Mm-hmm.

Mark: I mean everything we do, the kissing, the fondling, the foreplay, nyah nyah - all of it, it leads up to that one, ultimate, foregone conclusion.

Jenny: And what makes you think lesbians don't f*ck?

Mark: It's not possible. Unless we're talking dildos, which is cool, but it's not -

Shane: Are you f*cking kidding? It's completely possible.

[Shane is highly annoyed. She gets up.]

Mark: Well, I'm just - I'm asking because I want to know!

Shane: You're asking because you're -

Mark: I'm just trying to gain some understanding here, please!

Shane: (tossing up hands, gesturing towards her head) Where do you live, Mark? It's entirely possible.

Mark: I'm sorry.

[Shane paces into the kitchen.]

Shane: Is this a joke?

Jenny: Mark, I mean, do you want us to demonstrate? Because this is obvious what this whole thing is leading up to, right?

Mark: Hey, no, look. If you were writing a novel and you had some questions for me, I would totally be there for you. I'm just simply trying to gain some insight here, alright? I just… simply trying to gain an insight. Some unique perspective for us guys who don't understand. Something we haven't heard from anywhere else before. God.

[Shane walks back, smoking a cigarette. She passes it to Jenny. Jenny takes a drag.]

Shane: Don't be so aggressive… because it's embarrassing.

[Shane walks off down the hall. Mark looks a little b*rned and shakes his head. He goes to sit next to Jenny and addresses the camera.]

Mark: (to camera) (smiling) And there you have it. Sex tip for all us horn dogs out there. From the lesbian sexual Conquistador herself. (raises brows)

[Jenny gives him a sideways glance. Mark grabs a release form off the coffee table and hands it to Jenny.]

Mark: Alright. Boilerplate release form I need you to sign. Where'd the other one go? Um, I need Shane to... (calling out) Shane?

[Jenny rolls her eyes. She gets up and steps over Mark, and heads down the hall.]

Mark: What, still too aggressive? Gah.

INT. - BETTE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

[The lights are turned low. Tina sits at the dinner table, writing in a notebook and having dinner. The radio plays in the background, set on NPR. Bette walks in the door.]

Radio: This is NPR, National Public Radio. The number of Americans living in poverty grows by one point seven million...

[Tina looks up. They look at each other a little awkwardly. Bette walks into the dining room and sets down her briefcase.]

Bette: Hey.

Tina: I made too much. Do you want me to fix you a plate?

Bette: No, stay, I'll go get it.

[Bette starts to head for the kitchen, but stops, smiling at Tina nervously.]

Bette: (smiling) You look really great. You're kind of... glowing.

Tina: (smiling) Thanks.

[Bette sighs as she walks into the kitchen to fix herself a plate.]

Tina: Bette, I wanted, um, to tell you that -

[Bette talks over Tina just after Tina gets the word 'Bette' out of her mouth.]

Bette: God, I had the worst f*cking day today. Thanks to Peggy Peabody's c**t daughter, our grant is now in jeopardy and Franklin's completely flipping out. I can't imagine how f*cked I'm going to be if they pull it.

[Tina sips her water and looks down, switching gears.]

Tina: I spent the day raising money, too.

Bette: It's incredible, isn't it? And imagine if the whole future of the museum you've dedicated the last four years of your life to were depending on it.

[Tina smirks.]

Tina: Actually, the future of a lot of children's educations depends on whether I raise this money.

[Bette heads back to the table with her food and sits down.]

Bette: I wasn't suggesting that it's any less important, Tina. I mean, it breaks my heart, it does. But do you want those kids to grow up in a world without art?

[Tina seems detached from the moment. She picks at her food.]

Tina: No. Course not.

[Bette looks at her, noticing the change in mood. She softens her tone.]

Bette: You said you had something you wanted to talk to me about this morning?

Tina: It was nothing.

[They continue to eat.]

LATER -

[Tina's in bed, in the guest bedroom, reading. Bette knocks on the door. Tina tugs at her blanket to cover herself. Bette pokes her head in.]

Bette: (smiling) I just wanted to say good night.

Tina: (smiling) Good night.

Bette: I'm - I'm sorry about... dinner. I- it's a habit I'm trying to break.

Tina: It's not all your fault.

[Bette smiles, then goes to close the door and go to bed, then she steps back in.]

Bette: I hope you'll feel like talking to me tomorrow.

Tina: I think maybe I will.

[Bette smiles happily, and leaves. Tina takes a deep breath. Outside the room, Bette smiles to herself.]

INT. - THE PLANET - DAY

[Music plays. People sit around drinking coffee. Alice sits at a table with her laptop, looking at her chart. She's so busy that she doesn't see Bette - and Tina - strolling up to her, together. Bette stands there and she finally looks up, then looks at Tina. She grins, and jumps up to hug them.]

Alice: Oh, my god! This is great!

[Everybody laughs. Alice hugs them both tightly, grinning widely.]

Bette: (smiling) Alice, we're not back together.

Alice: Well, I'm just saying hi!

Bette: (smiling) Hi!

Alice: So, what are you - what are you guys doing here? Together?

Tina: I'm staying at the house until I get a place of my own.

Alice: (grinning) Nice! Nice!

[Alice hugs them again, squealing happily.]

Alice: This is good! This is good! This is good! This is good!

Bette: Yeah, I'm... I'm just gonna go see Kit.

Alice: Yeah, well she's in the back with some hunka hunka burning love, I dunno.

Bette: Benjamin Bradshaw.

Alice: Oh, I dunno. Who is he?

Bette: He's this, uh, business guru. She took one seminar with him, and now she's getting a private consultation.

Alice: (raising brows) Oh. Okay.

[Bette heads to Kit's office. As she goes, she signals to Alice by pointing, with a huge grin, to Tina. When Tina turns around, Bette pretends she was scratching her ear. Alice and Tina sit down.]

Alice: Okay. What's happening? I mean, um... (closes laptop) Are you guys not together? Because you... you look... like you are.

Tina: Well, let's just say... I'm not ruling it out.

[They smile and giggle.]

Alice: Okay, so she was cool with the (points to own belly) ... she didn't freak? What - what?

Tina: I haven't told her yet.

Alice: What? But she's - she's gotta know, she must know. I mean, she's gotta know. Is she f*cking blind?

Tina: Bette's pretty wrapped up in herself. She doesn't always see what's right in front of her. It's a problem. It's always been one of our problems.

Alice: Yeah, Tina, this isn't really just a Bette problem. You have to tell her.

[Tina nods, sighing.]

INT. - THE PLANET - KIT'S OFFICE - DAY

[Benjamin, the TOE guy, sits with Kit, talking. A knock comes at the door.]

Kit: Come in!

[Bette enters. Kit and Benjamin stand.]

Kit: Hey, baby sis. Benjamin Bradshaw, this is my little sister, Bette Porter.

[Benjamin and Bette shake hands.]

Bette: Nice to meet you.

Benjamin: Well, Kit's told me so much about you. I understand you've been going through some difficulty lately. If you feel you need someone to talk to -

[Bette's smile fades. She looks uncomfortable.]

Kit: Uh, uh, Benjamin. She's not ready for that right now.

[Bette crosses her arms.]

Kit: (clears throat) Benjamin and I have been going over last month's statements, and you would be amazed at the results of my work in TOE.

Bette: Toe.

Benjamin: T-O-E. Theory of Everything.

[Benjamin holds up a copy of his book for Bette to see.]

Benjamin: It's a physics principle uniting our understanding of the fundamental forces of nature into a single equation that's applicable to every question about life on earth. It's the basis of my system of personal transformation.

[Bette gives her trademark cynical smile.]

Kit: Bette, since my work in TOE, The Planet has gone form being in the red to black.

[Bette smiles at Kit.]

Benjamin: (to Kit) And?

Kit: And I've prepaid the mortgage through September.

Benjamin: (smiling) And?

Kit: (chuckling) And Benjamin is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Benjamin: Well that's not what I was after, but thank you. I was going to say: (to Bette) and you're welcome to join Kit when she attends the advanced seminar next month. I'll waive the introductory course fee for you because Kit tells me you're very accomplished in your own right.

[Bette's cynical gaze says she's not buying it.]

Bette: Thank you. I guess.

[Kit looks down.]

Bette: Well, um... (laughs) just, you know, let me know when the next seminar is, and I will give it some thought.

[Benjamin nods. Bette looks at Kit, who looks put down. Bette smiles at Benjamin and leaves.]

INT. - JENNY AND SHANE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

[Carmen is going through some of her records. Shane sits on the counter nearby.]

Carmen: You know what, I really don't know. Is, uh... is Jenny always so weird?

Shane: She's not weird. She's great.

Carmen: Well maybe she's one of those people that's, you know, just constantly in her head.

Shane: Carmen, she's a writer. She's supposed to be like that.

[Carmen pulls a CD from her stash and hands it to Shane.]

Carmen: Okay, so will you take a listen of this, please? And, uh, let me know if you think they'll be down for it. I mean, I really don't have that much of a sense of Dana and Tonya, so… that would help.

[Carmen gets her DJ gear together. Shane looks at the CD.]

Shane: You - you kissed her.

Carmen: What?

Shane: You kissed Jenny.

Carmen: Oh, okay. Right. Yeah.

Shane: Right?

Carmen: Yeah, yeah, I did, but um... it was just the circumstances, I mean... I - I didn't think that you would mind about -

Shane: And, no, and I - and I - hey, and I don't.

Carmen: Okay. Good. (laughing) Thank God.

Shane: You should um... you know, you should give her a chance.

Carmen: Yeah.

Shane: Yeah.

Carmen: You know what?

Shane: (smiling) What? What is it, sexy?

[Carmen leans close to Shane.]

Carmen: Don't try to hook me up. Bye.

[Carmen leaves. Shane looks a little conflicted.]

EXT. - PARAMOUNT STUDIOS LOT - DAY

[Veronica walks along with her personal assistant Aaron, and her limo driver. She's looking at her cell phone as she listens to him. Shane, in her scraggly blue jeans and old flannel shirt, catches up to the group.]

Aaron: Look, if she wants her story done, and done right, she's gonna deal with Veronica Bloom.

Shane: Uh, Veronica, you called me.

Veronica: (to Aaron) Maybe, but I need somebody to prime her first before I go in and do my thing.

Aaron: Right beside ya.

Veronica: Yeah, and so is your Fred Segal haircut and your Prada suit.

[Aaron looks sufficiently stung.]

Veronica: Look, I need somebody who looks relatively human or at least is a credible simulation.

[They arrive at a stretch limo. Veronica puts a hand on the Aaron's shoulder and forcefully shoves him out of the way.]

Veronica: (to Shane) And that's where hair girl comes in.

Shane: f*ck you.

Veronica: Hey, hey. Please. It won't happen again, just get in the car.

[Shane walks off. Veronica stands on the limo's runner, inside the open door, and shouts at Shane.]

Veronica: Shane. Shane. Shane. Get in the car.

[As Shane walks, the limo slowly trails after her. Veronica stands in the door, calling after her.]

Veronica: Shaaane. Shane. (making kissy noises) Come on, Shane, Come on, come on! I got a present for ya, baby!

[Shane stops, but doesn't turn around.]

Veronica: Once we punch the deal we can go get a mani pedi. Come on! Come on, Shane. Come on! (makes kissing noise) Mwah!

INT. - THE CAC - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY

[Bette and her assistant James are in Bette’s work office. James is standing behind her, vaguely watching over her shoulder as he reads off a notepad.]

James: I talked to Tina like we talked about. We're going to look at apartments next week.

[Bette isn't paying attention to James; all of her attention is focused on her computer monitor.]

Bette: The f*cking Peabody Foundation hasn't awarded us a single f*cking penny. They've pulled our funding.

James: Well, there's got to be another page.

[James leans over her shoulder, looking down at the monitor. He puts his hand over the mouse to scroll farther down the page. Bette looks completely stressed as her eyes quickly scan the monitor. We see the Foundation's webpage, a list of dozens of recipients of grants shown, along with each grant amount. The CAC is not on the list.]

James: sh*t.

[Bette tilts her head sideways a little.]

Bette: Wait a minute.

[At the very bottom of the page is listed a grant for $100,000. Recipient is listed as "Headquarters for Social Justice, Los Angeles, for the support of the Social Justice. Grant applicants: Tina Kennard and Oscar Alvarez."]

Bette: (disbelief) Tina got a Peabody.

Tina: (voice over) Oh, my God, you guys, they are awarding us a hundred thousand dollars!

INT. - HEADQUARTERS FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE - DAY

Co-worker: You did it!

[Phones ring in the background and people bustle around happily. Tina and a group of her co-workers are standing around a computer screen, clutching each other in excitement.]

Tina: Oh, my god!

[Tina takes a closer look at the page.]

Tina: Wait a minute.

[Tina sits down at the computer and starts typing. She looks a little worried.]

Co-worker: (laughing) I think that’s it Tina, I don't think they're gonna give us another one.

Co-worker #2: (off screen) Oscar is gonna flip!

[Tina stops typing after a moment, and tilts her head to one side.]

Tina: (clears throat) Can you guys excuse me for a minute?

[Tina gets up and walks away. Her co-workers laugh happily about the grant.]

INT. - THE CAC - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY

[Bette sits unmoving, staring at her clasped hands on the desk. Her expression is quiet anger. Her phone rings. She moves slowly to pick it up. She stares at the caller ID display, then answers.]

Bette: Hello?

Tina: (phone) Bette?

Bette: (coldly) I'm here.

Tina: (phone) Are you okay?

Bette: (still cold) Why do you ask?

INT. - HEADQUARTERS FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE - BACK OFFICE - DAY

[Tina is sitting in a quiet corner with the phone.]

Tina: I saw the Peabody posting.

INT. - THE CAC - BETTE'S OFFICE - CNTD.

[Bette looks down.]

Bette: Congratulations.

INT. - HEADQUARTERS FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE - BACK OFFICE - CNTD.

[Tina rolls her eyes a little, frustrated and searching for words.]

Tina: (sighs) I'm sorry, Bette.

INT. - THE CAC - BETTE'S OFFICE - CNTD.

[Bette's expression is growing colder.]

Tina: (phone) Is there anything I can do?

Bette: (sarcastic) Well, maybe you could support me. I'll take some time off from work and start looking into a new career.

INT. - HEADQUARTERS FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE - CNTD.

Tina: That's not fair, Bette.

INT. - THE CAC - BETTE'S OFFICE - CNTD.

Bette: Why did you even go after the Peabody? Was it some kind of vendetta against me?

INT. - HEADQUARTERS FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE - BACK OFFICE - CNTD.

[Tina's face crinkles up at the suggestion.]

Tina: You're being ridiculous!

Bette: (phone) Oh, I agree, its ridiculous to think that just because I -

INT. - THE CAC - BETTE'S OFFICE - CNTD.

Bette: - shared my life with you, and supported you, that you would have any compunction at all about f*cking with my livelihood.

INT. - HEADQUARTERS FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE - BACK OFFICE - CNTD.

[Tina shakes her head a little, looking completely dumbstruck at the things Bette's saying.]

Tina: (sighing) Wha...

INT. - THE CAC - BETTE'S OFFICE - CNTD.

Bette: You could have at least warned me.

INT. - HEADQUARTERS FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE - BACK OFFICE - CNTD.

Tina: It - it's not so easy to tell you things, Bette!

INT. - THE CAC - BETTE'S OFFICE - CNTD.

Bette: (cold again) Not everything is easy, Tina.

INT. - HEADQUARTERS FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE - BACK OFFICE - CNTD.

Tina: But y -

Bette: (phone) You know what, I'm getting upset now -

INT. - THE CAC - BETTE'S OFFICE - CNTD.

Bette: - so I'm going to hang up the phone.

[Bette disconnects the call.]

INT. - HEADQUARTERS FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE - BACK OFFICE - CNTD.

[Tina stares dumbfounded at the receiver in her hand.]

INT. - THE CAC - BETTE'S OFFICE - CNTD.

[Bette sits still a perfect second before erupting angrily.]

Bette: f*ck!

[She hurls the phone across the room and it shatters against a wall. A moment later, her anger boils over and she throws back her head.]

Bette: (screaming) FUUUUUCK!!!

INT. - HEADQUARTERS FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE - CNTD.

[Tina opens the door from the back office to applause, which catches her off-guard. Her frown turns to a smile. One of her co-workers moves towards her.]

Co-worker: We just got a phone call! Helena Peabody is on her way over here!

Tina: (shocked) Right now?

Co-worker: (laughing) Yes! We got the biggest grant that they gave. Nobody else got as much money.

[Tina looks bowled-over.]

Co-worker: She's coming with a camera crew!

Co-worker #2: (laughing) It was your proposal, Tina!

[Tina smiles, her eyes huge. She lets out an excited laugh.]

Tina: Okay, okay, uh, let's get this place looking sharp... (smiling) but not too sharp, we don't want her to think that we don't need the money.

[They laugh excitedly. Tina holds up her fists, grinning.]

EXT. - STREET OUTSIDE PRISCILLA NABOCHENKO'S HOUSE - DAY

[A run-down neighborhood in L.A. A car goes by blasting music; there's dirt where grass should be on people's lawns; fences and bars surround dilapidated houses and apartment buildings; a car alarm is going off nearby. Veronica, along with her shiny black limo and her Prada-suited assistant Aaron, are as out of place as can be.]

[Shane and Aaron get out and walk around to Veronica, who leans against the limo patiently.]

Aaron: (to Shane) So, the woman we're about to meet was a prost*tute, she was run by the Russian mob, until they tried to take her daughter away. She goes up against them, which nobody does and gets out alive. They already f*cked up her face, you'll see. We want to make a movie out of her story,

[Aaron walks up to the house. Shane follows. Veronica gruffly throws an arm around Shane. Shane looks like she'd rather be anywhere else.]

Veronica: What we're after here... is her life rights. Priscilla Nabochenko is going to sell us the rights to her life!

[Veronica gives Shane a good squeeze. They go up the steps to the door.]

INT. - HEADQUARTERS FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE - DAY

[Tina and her co-workers are leaning against a desk, looking over some papers. The suite door opens and three men, each bearing camera equipment, enter the room and immediately begin to set up.]

Tina: Wow...

Co-worker: The woman sure knows how to create a media event!

[As Tina and the others watch on, Helena Peabody, escorted by two others in business attire, strides confidently into the room and looks around.]

Co-worker: Holy sh*t.

[Cameras flash as Helena turns around, her eyes falling on Tina and her co-workers.]

Helena: Where's Tina Kennard?

[Both co-workers point slowly at Tina. Tina stands, smiling. Helena strides over to her, cameras following. Helena oozes suave and culture.]

Helena: You wrote this proposal?

[Tina eyes Helena up and down.]

Tina: Yes.

[Helena moves her hand forward, grasping Tina's.]

Helena: (sincerely) It brought tears to my eyes.

[Tina lowers her face and chuckles, embarrassed.]

Tina: Thank you, I'm flattered.

[Helena glances around a bit.]

Helena: Tina, why don't you give me the grand tour of the Headquarters for Social Justice?

Tina: (smiling) Oh...

[Tina looks at her co-workers, who look at each other, each seeming pretty impressed. Tina turns back to Helena.]

Tina: Sure. Right this way.

[Tina points off to her left. Helena, with her eyes still on Tina, moves off in the appointed direction. Tina turns and follows after her, secretly giving her an admiring glance. She glances over to her co-workers. The camera follows right behind them.]

EXT. - TONYA AND DANA'S APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT

[A nice apartment complex with several palm trees outside. There are a long ling of cars parked on the curb. A single streetlight lights the night.]

Dana: (voice over) Oh, my God, it’s going to be such a great bachelorette party.

INT. - TONYA AND DANA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

[Alice and Dana sit on the floor against the couch, amidst a sea of bachelorette party gift bags they're making. Alice is tying ribbon around each gift bag's handle, and Dana is then using a pair of scissors to curl the ribbon.]

Alice: I know. So what were you saying about me?

[Alice ties a ribbon onto one bag. Dana curls the ribbon of another.]

Dana: (smiling) I thought you had great tits.

[Dana adds the bag to the collection.]

Alice: (smiling) You noticed my tits?

[Dana picks up another bag and smirks.]

Dana: Right away!

[Alice lets out a loud laugh.]

Dana: Oh come on! They were like...

[Dana puts her hands under her own breasts and moves them around, as if bouncing Alice's breasts up and down.]

Dana: (sexy voice) ... "Hello, there."

Alice: They were talking to you? I mean, that’s creepy!

Dana: Whole conversation!

Alice: (grinning) Okay.

[Alice ties a ribbon. Dana curls a ribbon. They each pick up another bag.]

Dana: So how about you with me?

Alice: Um... (smiling) I thought you were a hottie.

Dana: Get out!

Alice: (smiling) I did.

[Dana snorts. They pick up the next bags. Dana looks at Alice, who's oblivious.]

Dana: (seriously) Did you really?

[Alice looks up at Dana. Their eyes lock. Alice smiles sweetly.]

Alice: (shrugs) (smiling) Mm. (grins) Really.

[They both chuckle nervously, then try to get back to the ribbon task. After a moment, Dana leans forward on her hands and knees to move the finished bags to one side. Alice fiddles with a piece of ribbon and catches herself looking at Dana's jean-clad ass. After a moment, she stares.]

Alice: Dana?

[Dana moves a bag, then puts both her hands on the floor. She drops her head.]

Dana: (quietly) Yeah?

[Alice stares very intently at Dana's rear.]

Alice: You have a really nice ass.

[Alice puts down the bag and reaches out her hand, taking a handful of Dana's behind. She pulls a little on Dana's back pocket. Dana hesitates just a moment, then turns around on her knees. Alice sits up to meet her - and they kiss wild and passionate.]

[They pull and grope at each other, reeling back and forth on their knees. Alice tugs at Dana's jeans while Dana pulls at the hem of Alice's shirt. Between kisses, they manage to get a few words out.]

Alice: God... oh, God.

Dana: Take me! Just take me now.

Alice: Okay...

[Still kissing, both of them fuss at Dana's zipper until it partially relents. Dana pushes the tops of her jeans down.]

Dana: Okay. Okay... here. (kissing) Help me.

[Dana gets up on the couch behind her and sprawls out. Alice quickly follows. They both grapple crazily at each other, frenzied and panting hard.]

Alice: I just... I just want to f*ck you so bad!

[Dana frantically paws at Alice’s head, pulling Alice's long necklaces off. Alice whimpers anxiously, tugging at Dana's jeans, which aren't budging.]

Alice: (panicking) I just...

Dana: Kiss me!

[Dana grabs Alice and kisses her, pulling her weight on top of her. They kiss hard, grabbing at each other and grinding their bodies together. Alice slides her hand down around Dana's leg and hip, looking for the zipper again.]

Dana: (breathlessly) Take my pants off! Take my pants off!

Alice: (breathlessly) Okay! Okay!

[Alice moves down between Dana's legs, pulling hard on Dana's tighter-than-tight jeans. They are practically sticking to Dana. Dana pushes down on the top of the jeans.]

Alice: They're tight!

Dana: Yeah!

Alice: Real tight!

[The jeans come down just a little. Alice slides backwards on the couch and braces with her feet as she pulls. Dana perches on the couch armrest, balancing her weight with her hands.]

Dana: Pull!

[The jeans finally peel down past Dana's knees. Alice uses her entire body weight to pull as hard as she can.]

Alice: Oh, god, I just wanna f*ck you so bad!

[Alice grabs the bottom of each leg of the pants and tugs. The pants quickly come off, which causes Dana to lose her balance. She quickly crashes backwards off the arm of the couch onto the floor, landing with a loud thud.]

Dana: (groaning) Aww!

[Alice rushes forward, arms out as Dana tries to push herself up, one leg still hooked over the arm rest of the couch.]

Alice: (chuckling) Are you okay? Are you okay?

Dana: Yeah!

[Dana starts pushing herself to her feet as Alice moves back on the couch again.]

Alice: (frantically) Are you okay?

Dana: (panting) Yeah, yeah!

Alice: Yeah?

Dana: Yeah!

[Dana steps over the arm of the couch to get back to Alice.]

Alice: Are you okay?

Dana: Yeah!

Alice: You're okay?

Dana: (breathlessly) Okay!

[They stand on their knees in the middle of the couch, kissing wildly. Alice moans loudly. Dana starts to tug on Alice's shirt, trying to pull it over her head. Then it happens: Alice’s shirt is so tight that they can't get it off. It's halfway off, around Alice's chin. Alice has her arms in the air, trying to tug at the back of the shirt.]

Alice: Get it off!

Dana: I can't! It's tight!

[They both pull hard at it. Alice tugs at the back.]

Alice: Don't rip it!

[Finally, Dana yanks the shirt over Alice’s head, leaving just her bra. They grin and grab each other, kissing with more fervor than before. Dana starts to lose her balance, but before they can tumble into the floor, Alice braces their landing with an outstretched hand. They roll off the couch onto the carpet.]

[Alice rolls on top of Dana and starts flinging gift bags and couch pillows out of the way. Dana moans as they both kiss and grab at each other. Dana rolls over on top of Alice, kissing her. Alice gasps and moans frantically.]

MOMENTS LATER -

[Among the gift bags. Dana is on top of Alice. Both are finally naked. They move together a little slower, more rhythmically back and forth, making love. Alice writhes in ecstasy; Dana watches her closely.]

MOMENTS LATER -

[Still on the floor with the gift bags. Dana and Alice kiss as Dana thrusts slowly into Alice.]

Alice: (breathlessly) Wait... wait.

[Alice pulls Dana's hair back.]

Dana: (panting) Are you okay?

Alice: I want more of you...

Dana: (smiling) Oh...

[Dana kisses Alice. Alice shakes her head, breaking the kiss. Dana looks at her.]

Alice: (panting) No... fingers.. Fingers. More fingers.

[Dana nods enthusiastically and kisses Alice.]

CUT TO -

[Alice straddles Dana's on a big chair, bouncing up and down, riding her hard.]

CUT TO -

[Again, on the floor, Dana thrusts into Alice. Alice is in ecstasy, breathless and wild.]

CUT TO -

[On the chair, Alice bounces hard, moaning in pleasure, her head thrown back.]

CUT TO -

[Floor. Alice braces herself against the couch, moaning.]

CUT TO -

[Chair. Alice hangs on to Dana for the ride.]

Alice: (moaning) That feels so good...

CUT TO -

[Floor. Dana moves faster.]

CUT TO -

[Chair. Alice moans deeply in spent euphoria and her body goes lax. She tumbles backwards off Dana's lap, landing with a thud on the floor.]

MOMENTS LATER -

[Dana and Alice are in front of the chair now, back on the floor, among the wreckage of couch pillows, clothing, and turned-over gift bags. From our vantage point behind the chair, we can see limbs on either side, but not the whole scene. On one side we see Dana's legs, her toes digging into the carpet, and Alice's hand gripping at the floor. On the other side, we see Alice's legs, her toes curled up, and Dana's head between her legs. They both moan.]

LATER - IN THE KITCHEN

[The kitchen is dark, save for the light from the refrigerator. In their underwear, Alice and Dana sit facing each other, arms and legs wrapped around each other, on the floor next to the open fridge. Dana is blindfolded. Alice smiles as she sprays whipped cream from a can into Dana's mouth.]

CUT TO -

[Still in the same position, they kiss sensually.]

CUT TO -

[Alice smiles as she feeds the still-blindfolded Dana a strawberry. Dana curls her tongue around it, taking it in.]

CUT TO -

[They kiss deeply.]

CUT TO -

[Alice sprays whipped cream onto Dana's breasts and Dana bursts out laughing.]

EXT. - PRISCILLA NABOCHENKO'S DOBCHENKO'S HOUSE - NIGHT

[Sunset has come and gone. The neighborhood is dark. Veronica's shiny limo is still parked outside. Police sirens are heard in the distance.]

Aaron: (voice over) You are making -

INT. - PRISCILLA NABOCHENKO'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

[Priscilla Nabochenko is an attractive woman in her early 30s. Her face shows long scar lines from where the Russian mob cut her. Children are heard shouting and playing somewhere in the house. Aaron sits with Priscilla on the couch. She stares at him impassively as he speaks. Veronica sits on a chair nearby. Shane stands aloof in the corner, observing.]

Aaron: (to Priscilla) - the biggest mistake of your life if you sign with the Bruckheimers. (raising voice) Do you know who Veronica Bloom is?

[Veronica claps her hands once to get Aaron's attention.]

Veronica: Aaron. That’s enough. (to Priscilla) Why don't we let Priscilla have a minute to breathe?

[Veronica and Aaron go to leave. When Shane turns to follow them, Veronica snatches her by the arm and harshly yanks her back.]

Shane: What?

Veronica: (whispering harshly) You stay here.

[Veronica smiles at Priscilla, then leaves with Aaron from the room. Priscilla glares at them as they leave, then looks at Shane. Priscilla is obviously a little irked at the way Veronica jerked Shane's arm. Shane looks around like she's not sure what to do next.]

Priscilla: (thick Russian accent) You want some fruit juice or something?

Shane: Oh, no. No, no, no, I'm okay. Thank you.

[Shane looks around, wondering what to do, but Priscilla keeps her eyes on Shane now.]

Priscilla: So what do you do for a living? Are you like a producer or something?

Shane: (chuckles) f*ck no. Um, I'm a hair stylist. And I guess I'm Veronica's assistant, too.

Priscilla: (nods) Really.

Shane: Yeah.

Priscilla: Hair stylist.

Shane: (nods) Yep.

[Priscilla looks down a little, seeming nostalgic.]

Priscilla: That's something I always wanted to do.

Shane: You could do it.

[Priscilla nods a little, giving Shane a small, sad smile.]

Shane: You know, I, uh... I used to do what you do, kind of.

Priscilla: (nods a little) Really.

Shane: Yeah. Yeah, I used to... trick around Santa Monica Boulevard. And uh, there was this guy, who was... you know, he was weird, but uh, he was okay. (smiles) He sent me to hairdressing school.

[Shane sticks her hands in her pockets and shrugs.]

Priscilla: (nodding to the side, meaning Veronica) She ok?

[Shane stares at the wall, takes a deep breath, and sighs.]

INT. - VERONICA'S LIMO - NIGHT

[The limo is en route. Veronica and Shane sit on the back seat. Aaron sits on a side bench.]

Veronica: Well, I guess I called it, didn't I Shane? You're the closer!

[Veronica gives Shane an affectionate but heavy slap on the leg. Shane cringes like it may have hurt.]

Shane: (quietly) Yes, I know.

Aaron: Vee, that is awesome, congratulations.

Veronica: I had to add a caveat in writing to her deal memo. Priscilla now has it in her deal... (to Shane) that she gets to work with you.

[Shane snaps a look at her.]

Shane: Ah, Veronica, that's not cool!

Veronica: It's totally cool, Shane.

[Veronica grabs Shane around the neck and yanks Shane over to her. As she talks, she shakes Shane excitedly like a little rag puppet.]

Veronica: (whispering) We did it! We did it, we f*cking did it. Its gonna be a phenomenal project!

[Veronica releases Shane, who goes back to sitting upright, looking shaken.]

Aaron: Total Academy Awards time.

[Veronica's hand still on Shane, she shakes her and squeezes her the muscles in her shoulder a little as she speaks. Shane's face contorts in pain. Aaron doesn't notice, and Veronica certainly doesn't notice because her eyes are closed as she daydreams.]

Veronica: I am thinking... Angelina Jolie. Maybe Julia Roberts. Maggie Gyllenhaal if we wanna do something really quirky.

INT. - HEADQUARTERS FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE - NIGHT

[The atmosphere is festive. Latino music blasts out of a nearby stereo. People are bustling around. On one side of the room Helena sits on a couch talking to a few young adults as her cameraman films her.]

Helena: (to young adults) This is really great.

[Tina walks into the room and looks at Helena. Helena looks up and they make eye contact. Tina moves to stand near a counter.]

Helena: (to young adults) You know you should be really proud of yourselves. Excuse me, I'm just gonna...

[Helena makes the across-throat 'cut' signal to her cameraman.]

Helena: Cut. (to young adults) I'm just gonna... I'll be back. I'll come back and talk to you, okay?

Helena: I'm just gonna... I'll be back, I'll come back and talk to you, okay?

[Helena gets up and advances towards Tina, swaying her hips sweetly. Tina tries to look busy writing something on a clipboard.]

Helena: When's your baby due?

[Tina smiles and blushes, then giggles a little and looks down.]

Tina: I'm at fourteen weeks.

[Helena looks at Tina's belly, then grins up at her.]

Helena: Are you having twins?

[Tina looks a little stung. She looks down at her belly and touches it, making a face. Helena realizes what she said, and puts her hands on Tina's.]

Helena: We - hey. You're beautiful, I... I didn't want to make you uncomfortable.

Tina: It's okay. I - I'm just starting to get used to showing.

[Helena looks down at Tina's belly, then smiles widely as she leans against the counter.]

Helena: I find it quite sexy, actually.

[Tina looks a little taken aback by Helena. Helena looks over at the kids she was talking to a moment ago, giving Tina an opportunity to really look at Helena. She seems to be watching her with a great deal of interest.]

Helena: My kids are still in New York. Can't tell you how much I miss them.

[Tina tilts her head to one side, as though a little surprised.]

Tina: You have children?

Helena: (looks at Tina) Mm. (nods) One adopted one my partner gave birth to.

Tina: (raises brows) Oh.

[Tina shuffles in place for a second, looking down.]

Helena: We're separated.

[Tina looks surprised again.]

Helena: Just to get that out of the way.

[They both nod.]

Tina: Uh, my partner and I are, too. (nods) I - I'm doing this on my own.

[Helena faces Tina again.]

Helena: You know, I have a feeling you and I are going to find out we have quite a lot in common.

[Tina laughs and blushes a little bit.]

Helena: Have dinner with me tonight.

[Tina and Helena stare at each other for a moment.]

Tina: (a b*at) My friend is having this bachelorette's party.

And I have to Excuse me.

Bette's here.

She's got flowers.

That's my ex.

I've been there.

Go ahead.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

What are you doing here? I'm really sorry that we fought.

I just - I wanna try to make it up.

Well, maybe.

But not right now.

Right now, I'm doing something.

Well, you know, you said some pretty hurtful things, too, I'm just here to say, let's leave this behind us, and You know, we were doing well.

Yeah.

And I'm saying you can't just throw flowers at it and expect it to go away.

Not everything can be on your time, Bette.

- I'll be just a minute, Helena.

- Is everything alright? What is going on here, what are you doing? I'm here to publicize our grant announcements.

The Foundation wants to send a message about our new agenda.

That's not what I meant.

What.

Are you doing.

With my girlfriend.

It's really none of my business, but Tina doesn't seem to think she really is your girlfriend any longer.

Well that would be right.

It really is none of your business.

Stop it! Tina I'm sorry You really shouldn't be dealing with this kind of nonsense Especially not in your condition.

What condition is that? - Tonya, honey! - Oh crap! - You don't want her to see it! - Good call, mom! It's no sweat, princess, I'll stow it in the car.

Oh, you cutie.

Yoo-hoo? How are the bachelorette gift bags coming? Look at these two! So hard working while we were out having fun! Pookie, you have to - Mom.

? Now, this is Alice, this is Dana's best friend.

And this is my mom Dotty! Oh, and Pookie! We have to show you what we bought! Oh, you will just die! Come on, mom! I have a present for you! Come on, come see! Monstrosi-ty.

Hi.

Can I help you? What have I told you? Stop staring.

Stop staring.

What have I told you? She's flesh and blood, just like we are we are She can't help it! Monstrosity monstrosity monstrosity - Who is that? - It's Bette! Sorry to bust in on you.

Is Shane here? No, not right now.

Did you know Tina was pregnant? Bette, you didn't know? Oh, my God, how did you not know? Because I am just the biggest f*cking assh*le in the universe, I guess that's how! Because I'm just some kind of huuuge cosmological joke is what I am! No, you're not! Tina obviously must have gone out of her way to keep this a secret from you.

She must hate me.

She must actually f*ckin' hate me.

She doesn't hate you.

Come here.

Come here.

I think that This is just so much more complicated than that.

You can't give up.

Okay? You cut your hair! It looks great! You look great.

I take your point, man.

Hidden cameras, man, it's the way to do this! Alright.

We will do a few more, but strategically and respectfully placed.

f*ck respectfully.

Aren't you two girls brave to get way up there! Don't you like them? Isn't it great, Sharon? Oh, that's a good idea! Oh, you're all Oh, who's gonna get it? Oh, there you go! Oh! Now, lookit, you have to do this, Sharon, watch! There ya go! I've been to Vegas and I think you'd be a good - Sharon, it's time to make the toast, honey.

- Oh, is it time? Oh, thank you! Oh! Carmen Thanks, dear.

Excuse me.

Everyone? I'm Sharon Fairbanks, I'm Dana's mother.

When my daughter The bride First came out to me, I I didn't take it very well.

Actually, I took it pretty badly.

Very badly.

But since I've come to know Tonya, I think it's absolutely the right thing for my daughter.

I can see that you've found love.

And it doesn't matter what form it takes.

All that matters is that you're happy.

I love you, Dana.

And I want the world to know that I give Tonya and you My blessing.

Where you goin'? Nowhere, I was I was forgot a gift I was gonna get a gift.

You did it, didn't you.

You and Dana.

No.

No, no, no.

Alright.

Hand me those pliers.

Are you sure that you're gonna be okay? Yeah.

I'm just gonna go find Kit.

- But thanks for coming with me.

- Good luck.

- How are you? - I'm good, I'm glad you showed up.

Well I got some writing done and I had a burst of confidence.

- So there.

- Good.

- You should talk to her.

- I can't.

I can't.

Shane, she thinks I'm so weird! She does! Yeah, she probably does.

But if she If she's as cool as I know she is It won't put her off.

What should I do? - What? - It's always a good idea to bring the DJ a drink.

Are you serious? May I have have a beer, please? Thank you.

Oh, f*ck.

- How do you like the party? - Oh, it's great.

Have you seen Alice? It's time for your bachelorette lap dance.

- No, not with my mother here.

- What are you, silly? Look I think she's having a good time.

Check it out.

There's nine altogether.

Ah! f*ckin' awesome! what about the rest? - What rest? - Bedrooms! Bathrooms! Dude! Have a little f*cking respect, they're my roommates! Jesus.

Look, I didn't do bathrooms or anything, that crosses a personal line for me, but, uh - We're in.

- Sweet, man.

How long have you all known? - Not long.

- Not long.

I mean, she was hiding it from everybody.

She probably didn't know what to say, Bette.

Don't k*ll yourself over it.

You know, ironically, I was actually pleased to see that she had put on weight, 'cause I thought, number one, it means that if she's eating to cover her pain, then she - means she's really, actually still in love with me, and two, if she's overweight, then maybe she might have trouble finding someone else, so I thought that maybe, eventually, if she could learn Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, who's that? Make me another.

Make it a double, please.

Hey, baby sis.

What's up? Who dare? That's Helena Peabody.

Can't believe she brought her here.

Do you want me to ask her to leave? Congratulations.

How are you? Thank you! Nice to meet you! Dana, Tonya, this is Helena Peabody.

I hope you don't mind my crashing your party.

At least I didn't come empty-handed.

From me and Tina.

Presents! Just a few things we scrounged up! Here we go.

The Phillips Senseo coffee pot system! Oh, and a kettle! Well, that's very, very generous.

I'm afraid I may have overcompensated.

I know how it is when you're the uninvited guest.

Actually, you know, I've never been the uninvited guest, I always prefer not to go where I'm not wanted.

What makes you think Helena's not wanted? Initial observations and theories.

These girls talk about everything.

Now, I don't know if that's strictly a lesbian thing, or what, but man, these girls are all up in one another's business.

Now don't get me wrong, I think the talk's great, I'm loving the talk, but, uh I gotta admit, I'm hoping soon we're gonna get to partake in a little, uh, action Alice, I thought you were ignoring us.

No - I - no.

Everybody? Everybody, this is Dana's best friend.

And she wants to give a toast! Con Congratulations you two, um Sorry, I'm a little I've I've known Dana a long time And, um I guess like most things that are right in front of your eyes, you don't see just how wonderful they are, until They're gone.

You are the luckiest woman On earth.

To my friend What can I say? Congratulations.

I love you.

What do you say we leave, quit torturing ourselves? Just something I have to do.

I lift my glass to caring And kindness and trust And longevity and respect.

To all the things that you'll need to keep your love alive.

I wish you Happiness.

And I hope that you forever spare each other pain.

And if you find that is impossible? Then I wish you forgiveness.