10x18 - Stand By Your Man

[bunniefuu]

- [Book thuds]
- Mitchell: [Sighs] I'm b*at.

Can you turn off the light?

Yeah, just give me a second.

... ... ...

... .

You missed our anniversary.

[Switch clicks]

♪

Wow, that's pretty good.

[Coughs] Uh-oh.

Oh, no. [Coughing]

Ohh.

[Coughing]

Ohh!

[Spits] Oh.

[Screams]

[Muffled screaming]

Honey, the deli warned you about those peppers.

I thought they were exaggerating.

- [Sighs]
- [Coughs] Wow.

Maybe they do have the world's best pastrami.

That's a lot of food. Who's coming?

Luke, Dylan, and Bill.

Gotta keep my posse in meat while we watch two top fighters battling in the pay-per-view event of the century.

That is so unlike you to watch Ultimate Fighting.

That's insane. I love a good battle.

Boxing, MMA...

- Lip Sync.
- Which get brutal.

I want to be a role model to this family's next generation of men.

So, I'm hosting a fight night with, uh, Luke, Dylan, and Alex's boyfriend, Bill, where I will begin the process of inspiring them and imparting wisdom.

I figure they have to listen to me.

I pay for Luke's gas, and the other two do unspeakable things to my daughters.

So, who's the top card on the fight tonight?

- I'm gonna say a Latin guy...
- Mm-hmm.

...and a Russian.

The fight just gets my boys in the door.

What's gonna knock them out is when I wow them with all the amazing things I've lived through.

- Snooze.
- Not the way I do it.

I've updated the lyrics to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire."

- Huh.
- It's not everyone who can rhyme

"Bronco chase" with "Melrose Place."

I still can't find any ' s thing that rhymes with "Michael Bay."

Dr. Dre, Ellen's gay, Y K...

Don't you have someplace to be?

It's boys' night, no chicks allowed.

Kid 'N Play, "Groundhog Day,"
Tammy Faye...

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Speaking.

Yes, of course I'll hold.

Gloria, it's CalShopTV.

I think they're gonna give me a slot to sell my dog beds.

CalShopTV?

The Southland's premier shopping network?

I watch it all the time.

And so do all my friends.

This is big time, Gloria.

People buy all sorts of crap on there.

Hey, I'll finally get to use my spray-on hair!

[Sarcastically] Great,

it's all coming together for you.

- [Mug thuds]
- This is a long time to be on hold.

I've never been this stressed out listening to James Taylor.

[Normal voice] Hang up. If it's good news,

- they're gonna call you back.
- What do you mean "if"?

It's gotta be good news, right?
I mean...

I mean, it shouldn't take this long for a "yes"...

Are they calling to say "no"?

Are these sons of b*tches rejecting me?

Like I need this cheesy, third-rate...

[Calmly] Yes, I'm still here.

Tonight? Of course! I'll see you then!

- [Telephone beeps, thuds]
- Gloria, they want me!

It's the primo : p.m. slot...

Exactly when people are drunk enough to make bad decisions, but not so drunk they can't read the back of their credit cards.

You know what would be the coolest move ever?

If you don't tell anyone that you're doing it.

Tell them after.

Be like, "Yeah, I was on TV, whatever."

[Footsteps approaching]

- Happy anniversary!
- Oh, my gosh.

I'm... I'm so sorry I forgot yesterday, um, but I love you, and I hope that this makes up for it.

Oh, thank you, you did... Mitchell...

[Gasps] A belt buckle, I love it!

Yeah, see, I thought this was a uterus, but they told me it's a longhorn.

- Yeah, a Texas longhorn.
- No, just a longhorn.

I thought you could wear it line dancing tonight.

Are you sure I can't convince you to come?

You know, it's two-for-one Alabama Slammers

- and Oklahoma Comas.
- You know, I'd rather stay here and have a free drink without a sad ending.

- [Door closes]
- Phil: Boys' night!

Unlike in high school and most of college,

- by choice.
- Where's the opener?

You don't need an opener. Hand it over.

Let me show you how it used to be done.

- Oh, dear God.
- Oh.

No one tell Claire I did that.

You know my friend Corey who comes over here and broke that lamp?

There is no Corey.
We'll blame it on him.

Okay.

I learned that trick on a log in the woods.

I was, uh, hanging out with my biker buddies.

We'd just pedaled out...

Bill: You know what happened to me in the woods once?

I was bow hunting, this freak blizzard hits.

I had to literally cut open an elk, clean his guts out, climb inside for the whole night just to keep from freezing.

- Wow.
- No way.

I once found a bird's nest on the ground. True story.

So, then what happened, Bill?

Oh, be careful.
My dad tried one of those earlier and my mom said he cried.

I didn't cry.
That was sweat from my eyes.

- I mean, I'll try one.
- No, don't, Bill.

I drank all the milk!

Mmm.

Missing something.
I think it needs some Tabasco.

Bill, you're the man.

Come on, hardly.
I'm not even the man here.

Oh, well, thank you, Bill.

Dylan, tell them about that life you saved at the hospital the other night.

Oh, I never thought I'd see someone with a golf club through his neck...

Come on, let's not make Dylan compete with bird's nest.

It's fight time, gents, courtesy of Big Daddy Dunphy!

- [Remote clicks]
- No need for each of you to Venmo me $ . I got this.

Things are, uh... Things are going well.

Wait, what's... what's going on?

- I bought the fight.
- Go to "Purchases."

[Remote clicks]

Dad, you didn't buy MMA.

- You bought "Mamma Mia."
- Why would I buy "Mamma Mia"?

I've seen it, like, three ti...
I mean...

Well, you guys want to see a video I took on my phone of a guy's car exploding?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Check this out.

Nate: I'm just saying, as someone who was actually born in a barn,

- that's an unfair stereotype.
- Okay, yes.

- I'm sorry.
- Rusty: Hey, hey, hey.

Don't all turn at once.

Comin' in the front door, poser alert.

- Nate: Where?
- Oh, that is a bad look.

- Oh, is that a price tag still on his hat?
- [Rusty giggles]

Oh, Lord. I think he bought it today.

Here he comes. Here he comes. : .

Cameron: Your : or mine?

♪ You've got me thinking it might be... ♪

- Oh, God, it's mine.
- Mitchell: Cam!

- Surprise!
- [Spurs jingling]

- Do you know him?
- A little.

Representative.

[Slowly] Representative.

Dunphy.

Dun-phy.

Dun... No.

No, no, no. I'm not done.

I'm not done! Come on!

[Quietly] Somewhat satisfied.

I couldn't get through to the cable company.

I had to think fast...

These guys were here to watch a fight, so I decided to show them the most epic battle of all time.

- Wax on...
- Bill: This Daniel dude is about to get his ass kicked.

He's had no real training.

You gotta do push-ups, cardio...

Waxing a car?

That's how we haze the probies at the firehouse.

Yeah, why's the kid still listening to that crazy old man?

He's not crazy, he's wise.

There was a time when young people respected mentorship.

Seems like he's just using him to do chores.

Oh, God, he's doing that scarecrow move again.

Why? It's completely wobbly and you can't get any leverage.

It's called the crane and it's unstoppable.

I don't know about unstoppable.

It's a sophisticated move that uses the grace of the human...

Well, don't do that.

[Chips clatter]

See? The old dude has no idea what he's talking about.

Stop calling him the old dude.
He's my age!

And he's just trying to shape a young mind!

[Bowl clatters]

- Hey. Oh, wow, there we go.
- Hi. Oh.

I'm so happy you're here.
Such a sweet gesture.

My gosh, and look at your new boots.

- Look at those boots.
- Yeah.

So shiny and blue.

Anyway, honey, you know, you're looking

- just a little bit store-bought cowboy...
- Oh.

...so maybe lose something...

That's embarrassing. There we go.

Oh, more fringe. Wow. Oh, my gosh.

I feel like Tina Turner with all this, you know?

Country folk don't shimmy.

- They don't? Are you sure?
- Stop shimmying. Stop.

Okay, okay. Still learning.

Uh, but look. I, uh...

I bought a buckle, huh? Just like yours?

- Oh, I...
- Where is it?

W-Well, you know what? It's so fancy, and I didn't want to show off in front of my friends.

They're not as well off as we are, so...

- Cowboy emcee: Line 'em up, little doggies!
- Oh!

Reckon I can have this dance?

Well, it's a line dance. It's very complicated.

Well, I'll pick it up.
Remember how fast I learned the hora at Pepper's adult bar-mitzvah?

Cam! Over here!

All right. Yeah, here we go.

Mitchell: Do it. Okay.

[Spurs jingle]

Oh, it just starts.

There it is.

- Sorry, sorry.
- It's okay.

Okay.

Cameron: Mitchell, scoot your boot.

♪

- Sorry.
- Mitchell, it's that way.

- Okay, sorry. Okay, sorry.
- Oh, my gosh!

- I'm sorry, was that me? Was that me?
- Oh, my gosh! Mitchell!

Mitchell! Come on.

- Help me up, help me up, help me up.
- Get some traction.

Use your spurs! Dig 'em into the floor.

Rusty: Get your feet under you, cowboy.

Okay, I got it.
That's what the spurs are for.

- All right.
- All right.

- Excuse us. Promenade.
- Sorry.

Do you think they'll be doing the hora next?

Y-You know what?
I'm... I'm... I'm not really comfortable

with you leaving Lily home alone.

Oh, she's not home alone.
I have Claire watching her.

Really? I-I've never seen those two talk.

[Scissors snip]

I'm afraid of Lily. W...
I know that sounds horrible.

What I mean to say is that lately I am unnerved by the way she'll just sit there, quietly staring, judging me.

So, to put it in kinder terms, I'm afraid of Lily.

[Scissors snip]

- Aunt Claire?
- Yes?

What, honey?

Why don't you like me?

What? I like you.

I-I love you.

In fact, I told everyone I was watching you tonight so they... they all know where I am.

Oh.

I kind of thought you didn't like me.

What gave you that idea?

Because you don't really talk to me, and you sh**t me these looks, and I feel like you're judging.

I get nervous around you 'cause you're so cool.

[Scoffs] That's really sweet.

Wait, are you being mean?

No. Why does everyone always ask me that?

No one has called me cool in years.

[Quietly] Ever...

I love the way you don't give a damn.

Well, I do play by my own rules.

You do what you want.

You don't care who you piss off or what anyone thinks of you.

This compliment is starting to sound a little bit like an insult.

Well, look who I live with.

Honey.

Tell you what. Let's hang out, get to know each other, do something fun.

Ooh, let's create a Tinder profile of a really hot girl and see what pictures guys send us.

Hm...

I need to be the grown-up here, but I really do want to do that.

Jay: What's this?

Manny and I were thinking that you should rehearse a little bit before going on TV where people we know are gonna see you.

I don't need to rehearse.
Do you know how many commercials

I did for Pritchett's Closets?

This is live TV.
It's a whole different beast.

Okay, but don't overdo it, all right?

I want to keep it fresh.

Mom, you're the host in ... ...

Hello. Welcome to CalShopTV.

I am a perky blonde who is easily amazed.

I'm Jay Pritchett. I'll bet you were expecting

- to hear about closets...
- Manny: O-Okay, stop.

Why are you mentioning closets?

Jay, everybody knows that you're the king of closets.

If there was a closet hall of fame, you would be in it.

If? What do you think we were doing that weekend in Corning, New York?

Let's just stay on topic.

And try using colorful language to describe your product like "stunning" or "delicious."

"Delicious"? If my dad heard me say that, he'd have punched me, and I'd have been grateful.

- Just cue me.
- [Clears throat]

Hello. Welcome. This is CalShopTV.

[Excitedly] How you doin', folks?
If you have a dog...

No, no, that's too big.

Why don't you do it like you're goofing on it?

Like, uh, "I don't really care about dog beds. I am a man!"

Why don't you start off with something funny?

A kid in my class does arm farts.

[Mimics farting]

It's hilarious.

Our bodies, huh?

[Normal voice] Come on, guys.
You're starting to get in my head.

Well, listen, if you don't feel like you're ready for it, why don't you just cancel?

It's better than embarrassing yourself.

You mean embarrass you.

You don't think I hear your snarky comments?

You think dog beds are silly. I get it.

Right now, I need people who believe in me, so why don't you just stay home.

Did he really think I was going with him?

I'm so sorry, Donna.
H-How is your knee feeling?

Oh, my knee's fine.

It's my shin where your little buddy's spurs got me.

Yeah, Mitchell, why did you get spurs?

It was an impulse buy. They were at the register.

- [Cowbell rings]
- Cowboy emcee: All right, folks,

- we're about to kick off the beer relay!
- [Cheering]

- Beer relay! Come on, team!
- I'm sorry, guys.

I just took a painkiller.
I am out for the night.

Damn it. I've been practicing for this all week.

Yeah, we know, Nate.
You might have a problem.

Um, I-I could sit in for her.

- [Chuckling] Oh, seriously? I don't think...
- I can chug.

Remember that time we went through security and I forgot I had a bottle of water in my bag?

Come on! Come on, cowboys. Saddle up!

All right, Mitch.
Donna always goes first, so you take her spot.

All right, set the pace. I love it.

Okay, you dirtbags, let's do this.

Ready... set...

- chug!
- All right, let's go!

Chug, Mitchell, chug!

- You gotta chug.
- Is it possible there's more bubbles in mine?

- No. It's the same, yeah.
- No?

Nate: Come on, Mitch!

Stop nursing it like a little baby!

You know what, Nate?

I don't respond well to negativity, so you can all just take that down a-a notch.

Here we go. Drink, drink, drink!

Mitchell, you have to drink!

[Cheering]

It's like he's waterboarding himself.

We balance this bucket on the top of the door, just so, and when your dads come home, spills water on them.

Hot boiling water?

- What? No.
- Okay.

I guess it's still funny.

And you're saying this is a cool thing that cool people would do?

[Sighs] Lily, I can't lie to you.

It's not cool, and neither am I.

Food trucks make me nervous.

I leave voicemails.

I prefer The Weather Channel to MTV.

Is MTV still cool?

I've never heard of it.

I am not cool.

I don't think I'm cool, either.

Maybe that's our thing.

Maybe we can be uncool together.

- That sounds nice.
- Hm.

Except when I'm with my friends, then I don't know you.

I respect that.

You know what would be fun?

Filling the bucket with spiders.

You might need help.

Dad? Did you eat another pepper?

- Phil: No.
- [Whispering] It's not about the pepper.

[Normal voice] You're upset we made fun of the movie, aren't you?

Hey, that's just what our generation does.

We goof on things that scare us because of how much we love them.

Yeah. We wish there was a sequel.

There's actually two.

[Whispering] Idiot. I'm not watching another one.

Mr. D, I know that this might sound like the craziest thing ever, but are you upset because you want to see yourself

- as our Mr. Miata?
- That's just dumb.

Yeah, don't waste one of our guesses on that.

[Door opens]

- It's Miyagi.
- Told you.

It's ridiculous to say this out loud, but I guess I just wanted to feel like someone you guys could look up to.

What are you talking about?
Everybody looks up to you.

Yeah.

The hardest thing about dating Alex... well, besides all the big words... is just knowing she grew up with a perfect guy in her life.

It's pretty hard to compete with.

That's what scares me about having kids with Haley.

Even if I'm an awesome dad, I'll still fall short of you.

Try being his son, knowing you'll never measure up.

It's no picnic.

Which is ironic, because we go on a lot of picnics.

You're also the best magician I've ever seen.

Not to mention the best real-estate agent, the best party deejay...

The best cowboy, riverboat gambler, medieval knight...

Those are just old-timey photos from amusement parks, but...

I just love you guys, and...

...I want to pass on some of the things that I've learned.

Like... never try to take a tennis ball away from a raccoon.

Or... never go to play tennis with just one ball.

That is good to know.

Or, you know, stuff like find the fun in every moment, find the good in every person, or never, ever be the one who doesn't do the wave.

Those people die alone.

Thanks, Mr. D-yagi.

[Voice breaking] I'm gonna need another minute.

Hey.

Good news. [Burps]

- You okay?
- Mm-hmm.

I, uh... I just slipped the guy $ so that we could ride the mechanical bull together.

Okay, which guy?
Because that's a plastic cow, doesn't move, and... there's an "X" at the back to tell you which is the front.

Hey, listen, it's starting to slow down.

- We should get going, huh?
- Really?

Cowboy emcee: All right, folks, grab your partner!

Night's just gettin' started.

I'll get us a car.

Why are you in such a rush to get us out of here?

Is it about me?

No!

It's about your clothes and your dancing and your drinking and your...

Okay, okay, okay, I get it.

You're embarrassed of me.

Y-You know, you're the one who's been asking me to come here for years.

I really thought I wanted you here, but then, once you came here,

I discovered that I don't really want you here.

[Sighs] Wow, that is beyond...

Okay, well, let me ask you.

Did you have a good time tonight?

I was with you!

- Okay, answer the question.
- No.

No, the floor's sticky, I don't know a single song, and I'm not entirely sure

Donna isn't your sister, Pam.

Honey, I appreciate that you went to all this trouble, but you know what?

Maybe we don't have to do everything together.

Maybe that's how we'll make sure

- we have lots of anniversaries.
- Oh.

And I promise never to forget again.

And I promise I'll never count down the seconds to shame you.

Okay, let's get you out of that belt buckle.

- Ooh.
- No, I didn't mean it in a sexy way.

It's hideous. It looks like something you'd get off CalShopTV.

Um, can you call me a driver for the ride home?

Hi! Are you the dog bed guy? I'm Linda.

My wife loves you. She couldn't make it tonight.

I'm sure you have a really nice wife, dog bed guy.

- Do you have any advice?
- Uh, talk loud.

A lot of people are watching this in hospital waiting rooms.

How big an audience do you usually get?

Saturday night?

- , , , .
- Ooh!

- [Lively music plays]
- [Excitedly] Oh, my God,

CalShopTV viewers, I have a very special treat for you.

Joining me is Jay Pritchett with the most exciting new product.

Right, Jay?

[Loudly] I'm Jay!

Whoo! [Laughs] Yeah, you are.

So, tell me about these adorable little creations.

Uh, dog beds.

Dog beds? Wait, so you're telling me this pineapple is a dog bed?

Wh... Well, now I've seen everything.

- Tell me more.
- Um...

You know, dogs get tired...

Mm-hmm.

...and, uh, so...

these.

- Uh-oh.
- Linda: Gosh, I feel like I'm doing most of the talking.

How would you describe your dog beds?

Delicious?

I gave him that.

[Stella growls]

Jay, anything else you'd like to share with our CalShopTV audience?

Something to get those phone lines buzzing?

Do it.

Do it.

Oh, and it looks like we've got a caller.

Gloria: [American accent] Hello, this is Joanne from Riverside.

I love dogs!

Hello, Joanne.

I have a question.

It is called, uh, Beds by Stella.

Who is Stella?

She's my dog.

Oh! I see that she's your inspiration for what you're doing.

What kind of dog is she?

French bulldog.
And I know what you're thinking.

Uh, she's French, so she has an attitude.

[Laughs]

French people are so snooty. I love it.

But not my little girl.

Uh, she's the salt of the Earth.

I mean, you should see her when I sit her next to me when I'm watching sports.

You know, I explain the whole game to her, which is funny because, you know, um, dogs don't really understand sports.

Oh, yeah, that's cute, but I bet that it's very annoying

- for the people that live with you.
- Yeah, well, you know, they say they don't love her, but I know they do, uh, because she's part of the family, so she deserves a-a comfortable, fun place to sleep.

Like your dogs.

Uh, you know, I call this one the Puppy Colada, and, uh, the Rover Rocket.

This one here is the, uh, Pupcake.

This is the Tailavision, and our latest creation is the Taj Mahowl!

Wow, our phones are lighting up.
[Chuckles]

Thank you, Mr. Pritchett.
I can feel all the love and hard work that you put into your beds.

I am very proud of you.

Thank you, Joanne from Riverside.

I love you.

Linda: Oh, hold on.
Okay, wait. I just got it.

Taj Mahowl!

- [Both laugh]
- That's it!

Thank you, Janet from Pomona, and to your little Pomeranian, Tony,

I'd just like to say...

[Howls]

[Laughs]

I can't believe I'm saying this, but you might be weirder than the Kn*fe guy.

- [Chuckles]
- [Siren wails]

Oh, look at that.

You just sold your hundredth dog bed.

How 'bout a little tail wag?

You don't have to ask me twice.

[Wailing continues]

Good God, Dad.

We may have to make some difficult decisions soon.

Wait, that's the guy you were afraid you couldn't live up to?

I know.

- Legend.
- [Jay barks]