04x04 - Marry f*ck k*ll

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "The Magicians" "The following books have been removed from circulation for revisions.

" They're filling in the endings of our books.

I'm sorry about your friend's books, but Just go while you still have the chance.

Technically, I have sexually transmitted lycanthropy.

The other Josh told me something terrible was going to happen to him.

It was called the Quickening.

It's going to happen to me too.

I'm a full-on goddess.

I'm not connected to anything anymore.

My dad and I used to build model airplanes.

Get your hands on this and you ended up in 20 pieces.

Magic's gone.

I went into remission a week later.

You turned your back on what happens to your dad.

It's a voicemail from my mom.

Let me sit here for a minute.

I know Bacchus.

He's a friend.

Then you'll poison him.

You know what's incredible?

How you can be such a good friend and such a terrible friend at the exact same time.

Gods are so tricky.

They took this part of me that knew things.

How long has he been there?

Since we got back from Fillory.

He brought you back?

I was as surprised as you.

Meanwhile, you are baking.

Condolence muffins.

For Quentin?

His dad just passed away.

And a bullshit yuppie pastry is gonna help him with that?

A muffin is not a pastry.

It's a quickbread.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I had to help the Monster m*rder a friend of mine and I'm not happy about it.

From the looks of it, neither is he.

Well, I don't get why he's depressed.

He got what he wanted.

Where's Darth Eliot?

She's gonna get us all k*lled.

I have examined this over and over again, and it still won't reveal itself to me.

Why can't I remember anything?

I don't know.

Total drag, I get ya.

But that's kind of what goes along with a human body.

Aches, pain, can't remember sh*t.

And since you're done with your whole deal, I was thinking What deal are you talking about?

We led you to Bacchus.

You k*lled him.

So now that we're done-sies Don't speak to me of done-sies.

Only Bacchus is done-sies.

I'm just saying you got your vengeance.

Might wanna try another body.

Maybe a non-human one.

I don't know.

See if it helps with the whole remembering thing.

I'm good.

f*ck.

You look like you could use a big ball of carbs.

Jesus' tits!

This is a good ball of carbs.

I thought you were pissed at me.

Oh, I'm not gonna pretend I'm happy about Bacchus, but I'm still sorry about Eliot.

Josh?

Are you okay?

- You want me to come?

I'm gonna miss the funeral.

I missed everything leading up to it.

There's nothing you can say to my mom that'll change that.

Well, I could say that it's not your fault.

The way she sees it, she's the grown-up and I'm still making the same kid mistakes I always did.

- You break things.

- I break things.

Parents are the worst.

What about you?

Oh, you know.

Gonna look through all the stolen books Marina has stashed around.

See if I could find out why I'm indestructible yet can't do magic.

What about Penny?

He still, uh, sweating you?

- He's not sweating me.

- Oh, right.

He's just following you around with that "I'm totally into you" "but I'm not gonna say anything about it" vibe.

- Quentin!

- What?

I'm just saying.

Maybe he could help you with the research.

You're a d*ck.

I am a d*ck.

Hey, uh, Penny 23!

Look at that.

That sounded real natural.

Why are you skittish as f*ck?

Am I?

That's no.

- What's in the bag?

- Oh, nothing.

- You got blood on your face.

- What?

Yeah, look in the mirror.

Oh, ah, no-no-no-no-no!

Don't!

It's not what it looks like!

Oh!

It looks like a dead animal.

Okay, maybe it is what it looks like.

Is this 'cause of the Quickening?

- I don't know.

- Well, it's something.

Look, I don't know what to do.

Well, I was pretty damn clear about one thing, wasn't I?

You stay away from - Hey.

- Julia!

Hey!

Hey, did Marina stash any books in here?

- What?

- Uh, books?

No, I - I think in the - The other room?

Yeah, just not in the subject I'm looking for.

About God problems.

You know, like where did they go for magical medical advice?

Well, why why don't I help you look, you know?

Uh, what about the Maenads?

The the Maenads?

The, uh, followers of Bacchus.

They're kind of high priestess/nurses of the Gods.

They were always at Bacchus' parties and when he would get too wrecked, which was always, they pulled him out and gave him a divine B12 sh*t or Wait, wait, so the Monster k*lled Bacchus but didn't touch the Maenads?

Well, they're probably still in Fillory.

- They were pretty attached to him.

- Oh, I I can take you.

Yeah, that'd be great.

Uh, thanks, Josh.

Yeah!

You get this Quickening bullshit figured out right now.

Okay.

I didn't think I passed it on.

You never said anything.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Were you waiting for me to tell you?

You never disclosed your status to me in the first place.

Because you were so understanding, I thought you knew.

Uh, it was a little bit of a low point for me, that night.

Oh, well, great to hear.

I don't mean you!

I was going through a bad divorce.

You're the first person who really seemed to get what I was going through.

Fine, whatever.

Look look, I I just need your help.

What is going on with me?

With us?

The Quickening?

Well, I don't really know everything.

You're a g*dd*mn Cryptozoology professor.

What do you know?

Lycanthropy is technically a curse.

Un, transformations are tied to the lunar cycle and behavioral changes are mostly non-lethal except during the Quickening.

Well, that sounds pretty, pretty bad.

Oh, luckily it only happens every 30 years or so.

In the 48 hours leading up, all Lycanthropes experience urges starting in the form of nightmares or even waking dreams.

What is the curse trying to make me do?

Have traditional sex with an unaffected person or k*ll them.

Jesus K.

LeChrist.

The urges increase as the moon moves towards its aphelion.

The climax, as it were, and the lycanthropic high point of lupinity or wolf-ness.

I took your class, Helen.

I know what lupinity means.

Why can't I just lock myself up in a cage until the Quickening passes?

Because that won't satisfy the urge.

You need to have sex or k*ll or you'll rip your own guts out.

That's how the curse is ensured to spread.

It's quite clever actually.

Oh, yeah, real clever.

I'm going to r*pe or m*rder someone in the next two days no matter what.

If you try to suppress it, it's always possible you'll do both or commit su1c1de.

Just, you know, to have all the options on the table.

What the hell am I going to do?

What what are we going to do?

Have you considered Tinder?

What?

No!

Because I have a really, really bad STD and that sort of kills the desire to sleep with anyone.

So forget wait.

Did you do that?

Yes.

And it worked.

That is why I am not going crazy right now.

Ugh, well, you are very charming, Josh.

I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding someone to dance with before, you know, the wolf makes a choice for you.

Good luck, Josh.

The librarians don't know I've been living here.

Apologies for the mess.

Oh, and, uh, for how I brought you here.

I I didn't mean to be rough.

I I just wanted to get you out of sight before you got caught.

You do remember me, don't you?

I'm I'm Christopher Plover.

You're the child molester who's directly responsible for Martin Chatwin becoming The Beast.

I also wrote some very popular books.

How did you end up here anyway?

Oh, that's a long, boring story.

The important thing is we can help each other.

See, I need an extra pair of hands.

No.

And yet, I know very well that you could use my help.

You're trying to escape The Order, aren't you?

From the looks of it, we both are.

You didn't leave with Santa Claus.

Why not?

I get sleigh-sick.

You can say what you want.

But I know the real reason Oh, please don't touch that.

Please.

The real reason you stayed behind.

You were looking for your book.

Yours and your friend's.

Do you have them?

The books are in the Revision Room.

But I happen to know where that is.

So you help me with my little something and I'll take you there.

Deal?

I don't know why your father made so many of them.

He liked planes.

A creative outlet.

He's dead, Mom.

We can stop criticizing him.

I didn't want to be here at all, you know, but there was no one else.

Molly is furious.

You know how she felt about Ted.

I know, I'm sorry, I I was traveling and my phone d*ed and I You're the only millennial I know who isn't buried in his phone 24/7.

Are we going to do this again?

What was wrong with him, huh?

People make friends.

That's normal.

He was normal.

I divorced him, he was so normal, so where are his g*dd*mn friends?

There was no one at the funeral.

I don't know.

Did he ever date?

Never mind.

I don't want to know.

Okay, so we pack these boxes.

Yeah, unless you want to keep all this junk.

I found a guy upstate.

He'll take them off your hands, but you have to get it done by tomorrow.

I I got it.

Okay, just, um Be careful.

Don't break anything.

Christ on a g*dd*mn communion wafer.

It's like I'm caught in a real-life game of Marry-f*ck-k*ll, only "marry" is off the table.

Well, what are you gonna do about it?

I have no g*dd*mn clue.

Why do you think I'm sitting here with my head in my hands, the traditional Hoberman despair position?

Okay, then here's a plan.

We're going to fix this bullshit.

I don't want to add to your problems, Margo.

So 'cause of that, you're gonna sit back and just let this sh*t happen to you?

This ain't prom night, and the only thing I know for sure is you're not going to fix anything if you nutsack out on me.

I won't nutsack out.

Good.

That's what I want to hear.

Because we are going to find a way out of this thing or we're gonna die trying.

I'm starting to see why no one's ever beaten this curse.

It's like herpes!

Cockroach-in-a-nuclear-w*r- level impossible to stomp out.

Well, I found some sh*t on a ritual from an Indonesian tribe.

It's supposed to prevent supernatural transformations.

Or maybe cause them.

My Indonesian sucks.

Uber alert.

You know, these surge prices are really getting out of Oh, no.

Oh, no-no-no-no-no.

Okay, surge prices piss me off, too, but are you all right?

I've always been upfront about my L-positive status with any potential partners before anything happens.

What's that have to do with Uber?

Isaac wasn't.

So how many people did Isaac do doggy-style?

Just one and I'm going to go warn her now.

Uh-huh, yup!

What a Monday!

So this book is used to help me locate different worlds via a cooperative spell?

It is called "The World Book. " Yes, I can read.

So it's like the encyclopedia.

More like an atlas.

What world are you looking for?

One where I can be happy, where I can belong.

No, it's not what you think.

I'm not interested in that.

I I just want to go somewhere where I can do no harm.

I'll never do that again.

I swear on my life.

Yeah, well, I don't know if I believe you.

I spent years being tortured by Martin, plenty of time to think on my actions and regret them.

Did you never unintentionally hurt someone you love, Alice?

I never molested a child.

But, yes, I've done things I regret.

Don't you deserve happiness?

No.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

We all deserve it.

I don't think you do.

Well, I don't particularly care what you think.

You need my help finding the Revision Room.

So either you help me with this spell or you're on your own.

- Who are you?

- Hi, uh, I'm Josh.

I'm Isaac's friend.

Isaac.

He hooked up with you that one time.

Right.

Look, it's a really bad time right now.

Oh, uh, no, Isaac really wanted me to talk to you about something and it's kind of an emergency.

So can I come in, please?

How do you know Isaac again?

Uh, he and I met at Jewish camp.

This is kind of weird.

I mean, why did he send a friend instead of, like, calling me himself?

He's got, uh, laryngitis.

So he can't text?

And he broke all of his fingers.

Anyhoo, I've got to talk to you about Isaac's problem, which he's embarrassed because he came down with something and he's afraid that you might have caught it from him.

Caught what?

Oh, just a herpes-like thing.

He gave me herpes?

- I believe I said herpes-like.

- Well, what the hell is it?

The only way to know if you got it is to, sort of, go through the symptoms and see if you've been experiencing them.

Okay, Josh from Jewish camp, I'm going to discuss genital warts and discharge with you 'cause we just met.

Jesus Christ.

f*ck my life!

Look, have you maybe not been feeling yourself lately?

Not really.

And I'm beginning to wonder why I let you in in the first place.

Great, and, uh, have you maybe been having dreams that are weird and violent?

Maybe.

Right, well, this last one might sound a little crazy, but have you, maybe, been unable to control yourself around guys?

Get out of my apartment.

Oh, wait.

No-no-no.

This wasn't I mean Seriously, get out!

Okay, please, just let me help you.

I just want to help.

It's been a really hard couple of days.

I've been totally freaking, like What's wrong with me?

I know what you mean and it's completely normal and I assure you, this is not your fault.

That's so good to hear.

I mean, how could I even do that to someone else?

It's a total mess in there.

- Uh, a mess?

- Uh-huh.

Uh, where?

Jesus' tits.

It's not that bad, is it?

Is it possible for an entire forest to do the walk of shame?

Seriously, nature is not supposed to be this sticky.

Uh-oh, you think she's who we're looking for?

Whoa, whoa!

Wait, wait!

Don't!

Why not?

Because you have something to live for?

I'm a Maenad.

The God that I'm here to serve is dead.

I literally have nothing to live for.

But thanks thanks for the less than basic understanding of my life's purpose.

No, no, no!

Wait!

Don't, please.

We need your help.

Shoshana.

Shoshana.

We need your help, Shoshana.

Peach Schnapps.

Bacchus left that for the talking bears to find.

Okay, so how about a toast?

Right?

Ba Bacchus would've wanted us to drink.

God, like, so much.

Yeah.

Okay, so to Bacchus.

To Bacchus.

God, it smells like pee sangria.

I don't give a sh*t.

Drink it.

To, uh, Bacchus!

- Bacchus.

- Whoo!

Oh, that's good sh*t.

Um, I was a goddess and I gave away my power and now I can't use magic.

Only I'm indestructible.

So maybe you can help me understand what is going on.

You were a goddess?

Yeah.

If all these other Maenads hadn't run through the poison wine like a bunch of b*tches, I wouldn't even be in this situation!

Well, maybe if you help us we can I'm sorry.

What are you what are you doing?

I'm trying to read your aura.

Maybe we can just get the pinecone out of my face?

Okay.

That's what I thought.

Inconclusive.

I do know a ritual that could help diagnose you further.

But, um, it's pretty intimate.

Um, okay.

I can live with that.

Yeah, the only thing is I I I can't perform it.

Uh, why not?

I don't believe in you.

I can help interpret, but you need someone who believes in you, okay, who worships you, body and soul, to perform the ritual.

Anyone come to mind?

Fine, I'll help.

Jesus R. R. Christ.

An innocent girl is a m*rder*r 'cause I couldn't get to her in time.

Oh, put your tit back in your training bra, wolf boy.

We don't really know how innocent this girl was.

Sleeping with her Uber driver sounds like she had a death wish to begin with.

- You're not helping.

- Drink.

- Is this a potion?

- It's alcohol.

Good enough.

While you were busy with your domestic issues, I managed to translate this Indonesian ritual and good news is this is first-year Brakebills multi-culti elective crap.

So we can definitely pull it off without breaking the magic bank.

Only prob is finding one exotic ingredient.

Uh, what type of exotic are we talking about here?

We need a living Komodo dragon so we can cut out its heart, and I heard a rumor Kanye keeps one in his New York apartment.

That sounds on-brand.

Let's go.

Uh uh, wait.

I have to give you something.

It's loaded with silver b*ll*ts.

The Quickening has started to do weird things to me and Well, if I wolf-out, you might need to stop me.

It's not gonna come to that.

I promise.

Now come on.

Let's go steal Kanye's lizard.

As you can see, it's rather hard to get in unseen.

Not if you can bend light.

Regardless, stealing the books isn't really the biggest issue, is it?

If the library discovers they're gone, they're gonna come after you.

Yeah, but if they read my book, they'll know exactly where I'll be.

Yes, but what if they read your book and still had no idea where you were?

What are you proposing?

When I was writing "The Wandering Dune," I was also studying magic.

I I kept blowing deadlines until I found a spell for a*t*matic writing.

Now, you feed it a premise and it constructs an airtight storyline.

I I gather they use it in Hollywood all the time.

That explains Netflix.

How does this spell work?

Uh, we steal the manuscripts, pull the endings, cast a spell on them, and then replace them just before they take them away to bind them as books.

Voilà !

Oh, you'll be very surprised how your stories turn out, Let me guess.

You'll show me how to do the spell if I help you with the World Book?

Well, that only seems fair, doesn't it?

Look, do you want my help or not?

Mom, I told you I'd have this done by tomorrow.

So just ah, Jesus.

Hello?

I found these in your dead father's fridge.

They're not quite what I'd hoped they'd be.

You finished with the k*lling yet?

With the, uh what?

You father's dead.

I thought perhaps you'd get angry and k*ll things.

That's what I'd do.

It's not really what people do.

Nowadays, anyway.

You're not going to k*ll anything?

Interesting.

Frozen peas?

Nope.

Uh, no thanks.

Let's go then.

I'm bored of this food.

Can I just have a few minutes to finish this?

This is important to you.

Yeah, it is.

This is a very interesting game, the loving your dead dad game.

I don't understand it.

It's not a game.

It There must be someone who's important to you, who you who you miss.

I don't remember.

But perhaps you're right.

I could learn something from this.

I'll let you play this game.

I will sit still and I won't k*ll anything and I'll watch you while you you think about your dead father?

Is that what you're doing?

Yeah.

Kind of.

This is the weirdest thing I've ever done.

But maybe it'll be fun.

I she wasn't lying.

This is pretty intimate.

Yeah, well, you're not the one who has to strip naked and be anointed with oil.

Are you sure you want to do this?

I don't really see another way, do you?

Wait, um, maybe there is another way?

Uh Something a little less painful?

- Painful?

- Not not painful.

You know I'm not broken, right?

I'm not some flower or a delicate piece of glass.

I'm a person and people heal.

Yeah, look, I'm ju I'm just not very comfortable with the way - this is going down, you know?

- Yeah, well, this isn't really about you.

So maybe you could just get over yourself.

I'm trying.

It's nothing you haven't seen before.

Ta-da.

I guess I should start.

- I guess you should.

- Yeah.

What I'm told Been riding on the edge Heart in a chokehold Maybe I'm a lost cause I - What's wrong?

- I, uh I got to, uh, go up front.

Won't do what I'm told Are you asking if you can touch my boobs?

I am asking you if I can touch your boobs.

You can touch my boobs.

Just don't break them.

Ha ha.

- What?

- No, it's just it's cold.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can warm it up.

Maybe I could change It's weird for me, too, you know.

Give you my love Give you my love You ready to wash my feet?

- Now what?

- Scream!

Now eat it!

It's not bad actually.

I told you, vulnerable is not technically endangered.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Don't you dare throw up that lizard heart.

We k*lled a vulnerable creature to save your ass.

It better not be for nothing.

Not to mention that is not the way I thought I'd meet Kanye.

It's actually less messed up than the way I thought it'd be.

Oh, yeah.

You won't be judged.

You know what would be hot right now?

If you just took me right here in this car.

Stop the car!

What is it?

Pull the car over right f*cking now!

Son of a clit!

The ritual didn't work.

Oh, is that why you screamed and ran out of the car?

Just let me in, okay?

Why?

So you can wolf-hump me to death?

No, I wanted to do things, but you're safe now, okay?

- It passed.

- How?

I kinda of turned a tree into a werewolf, if you know what I'm saying.

Oh, got it.

It's not a permanent solution.

But it's enough to keep the urges off until we get to where we're going.

You mind telling me where that is, maple d*ck?

Brakebills.

I thought this would be interesting.

It's not.

I'm almost done.

Just A little while longer and then we can go.

- Why did you do that?

- Slightly more interesting.

No.

Stop it!

I don't understand.

Your father is dead, right?

So these belong to you now, do they not?

Yes, they belong to me.

What is your point?

Why are you doing any of this?

Because I told my mom I would, okay?

Jesus Christ, I can't believe I'm having to explain this.

Why does your mother have such strange power over you?

Because once, when I was a kid, I broke an ashtray.

And now she still f*cking thinks that I break everything.

Because Basically, your parents never change how they see you.

No matter what.

So if they can't change how they see you, then why does it matter?

Because sometimes I think she's right.

Things break around me.

Alice, my dad, all of g*dd*mn magic.

Then break them on purpose.

They're your planes.

You can do what you want with them.

Maybe you'll feel better.

I don't meant to be rude, but here I am helping as promised without an assurance you'll do the same.

Jesus, you're relentless.

Okay, fine.

I'll help you with your spell.

Yet you seem to hate yourself for it.

I mean, you can understand my worry.

I don't have to be happy about it.

A word of advice.

If you want to survive, stop torturing yourself.

Maybe you could do will a little more self-hatred.

And fewer Mr.

Rogers vests.

You think that what you've done and who you are are the same thing.

When they don't match up, you hate yourself.

Alice, they'll never match up.

You don't know anything about me.

I know what it feels like to be unable to change no matter how much I want to.

Children don't care if you contradict yourself, you know?

Perhaps that's a bad example coming from me, but I'm just trying to help.

Please just stop doing What is it?

The end of Quentin's book.

He's going to die.

Isn't that how all books end?

His ends next week.

Uh, as requested, the water my feet were bathed in.

Ugh, that's pretty murky.

Okay, judgey.

What's it mean?

It's too early to say.

This is very interesting though.

I thought you said you didn't have any power.

No.

I I don't.

I can't do magic.

Those aren't the same.

Oh, this This is real weird.

You weren't bullshitting me when you said you were a goddess, were you?

No, but how how can I be a goddess if I don't have any power?

Maybe you think you don't, but I have never seen anything like this before.

So we're good now?

You're not gonna k*ll yourself?

No, I can't now.

I have a new deity to follow.

Oh, boy.

I think you're overreacting.

I could've sexually assaulted you or ate you.

I don't honestly know how things would've turned out.

It's no reason to give up.

There's got to be a solution.

I've got, what, a couple hours before the Quickening takes over, and I'm sorry if that makes me a wimp or whatever, but I don't want to r*pe or m*rder anyone.

Oh, come on.

There are plenty of people who deserve to be k*lled.

I can think of a half dozen at Brakebills alone.

If you can just keep your twat together, I'm sure I can get at least one of them down here.

I mean, Todd totally owes me.

He doesn't owe you his life.

Doesn't he?

I can't do it, Margo.

Well, you can't do nothing, because you'll die in this cage.

At least I can live with that.

I mean, not live exactly, but you get what I'm saying.

This is bullshit.

You're just throwing your life away.

I was thinking more like noble sacrifice.

Screw your noble sacrifice!

What is it with you boys and your noble sacrifice?

I'm not gonna let you do it.

Well, it's not your choice.

You can't fix me, okay?

Some things are just broken, and there's nothing you can do about it.

- Said the quitter right before he quit.

- You think I want to die?

Of course I f*cking don't!

But I don't see a way out of this, and frankly you not giving up is making what I have to do harder.

You want to do something stupid?

Fine by me.

What the hell are you doing?

Something stupider.

This isn't a joke, Margo!

I'm not going to be able to control myself.

I might k*ll you or or Or what?

f*ck me?

Margo.

This curse isn't curable.

I don't want you to go through this.

- The Quickening is - Why not?

Because I like you.

I like you too.

And I'm not gonna lose another friend today, okay?

I can't make you k*ll someone, but I can consent.

Damn.

The Quickening makes you a really good kisser.

I know.

That was more cathartic than I thought it would be.

It was kind of fun, wasn't it?

It feels good after you deal with death, doesn't it?

A little.

Still hurts, but eventually it hurts a little less.

I'm going to need your help to search for more Gods.

You'll be more useful to me if you feel better, so you should know that your friend Eliot is dead.

You can smash more things if you want.

And then we'll go get something to eat.

Sound good?

I cannot believe you just did that.

I rocked your world.

Get over it.

Oh, no, you that was great.

It's just you can't have sex now with anyone who isn't L-positive without infecting them.

You know, so Since when is P-in-the-V sex the pinnacle of what one or two or three or five or an animal can do together?

I mean, it's not even on my top ten.

I guess I see your point there.

All the same, what are you gonna do about the Quickening?

How are you gonna handle that?

In what, 30 years?

No way I'm gonna live that long.

And if I do, Todd totally owes me.

You're joking, right?

You're joking.

So what is this?

This is This is just casual, right?

We're not you know?

I saved your f*cking life, bitch.

Casual that.

Thanks, Margo.

I'm sorry we couldn't figure out a way to help, you know I am too.

I would have done anything to save him.

But I think he might actually be gone.

I felt the moment his soul d*ed.

It only hurt for a second.

I promise he didn't suffer.

You'll come around.

I know it.

Let's take it right back Hello?

To where we used to go But we never look back No we only look forward To all the new pain And v*olence that we blame No we never look back No we only look forward Hello?

With all our fate Hearts Broken from the start Is anybody there?

Margo!

Only to be held tall By the writing on the wall