03x01 - The Tales of the Seven Keys

[bunniefuu]

Previously, on "The Magicians"

Quentin I k*lled a god.

Gods like Ember have parents, you idiot.

When we're harmless, they ignore us.

But when we become malignant, they amputate.

Magic is gone.

What is it that you seek, rude little Earth girl?

The woman and child you stole.

Fen wouldn't come because they have your daughter.

I had to warn you.

They're coming.

This contract initiates our services in exchange for Unlimited manual and magical labor?

- You signed that insane contract?

- Yeah, it's okay.

- Did you do this for me?

- Just say it.

Cancer.

- Call it Cancer plus.

- How long till I die?

Two or three weeks.

I need your help.

If Penny's in the library, he can be your mole.

But to do that, he'd have to be alive.

Deal.

As a niffin, you made enemies.

I am here to warn you that one of them seeks you.

The Lambre.

It knows you're weak.

It knows you're here.

He r*ped me.

Your son.

He turned me into a monster.

You're a survivor.

Why did you bring me back?

I know what you're trying to do.

There is no actual evidence of magical surge.

The best we can do is accept that and continue our theoretical studies.

We all get flashes, and we can do it again.

How?

I have no idea.

Nope.

Nothing.

No freeze, no boil.

sh*t.

It's okay.

You can still do other stuff.

Q, I can't do anything real.

It's like there's no pattern to this, nothing that we do can make it stronger or better.

I'm starting to feel like it's all random, you know?

Maybe it was a mistake.

Come on, you don't mean that.

What if this is, like, a smudge?

A fingerprint left by OLU when she gave me back my Shade, and she didn't even realize?

You know, it's like, whoops, speck of magic.

She's a goddess.

Does she seem like the accident type?

Have you met her son?

Look, I don't wanna be insensitive But you still think I somehow have this because of Reynard.

I don't know why you have it.

I just I-I don't think that we should discount the possibility.

I mean, you've had More contact with gods than most.

That's a nicer way of putting it.

For the record, I'm still leaning towards fluke.

So it's a fluke.

There's still something that could lead us to something.

We have got to keep chipping away at it, Jules.

Big words coming from a guy who's mostly chain-smoking and binge-watching "Six Feet Under" when I got here.

You fired me up.

You showed me that there's a fight to fight.

Now I am the official sidekick to whatever it turns out you are, okay?

So, get used to it.

Wake up, assh*le.

What, were you a boy scout?

These are great.

Not a good time to go with smart-ass.

I'm not a k*ller, but times are strange and you're the one who broke into my home.

Yeah, well, I'm a librarian.

You're ignoring our requests.

That book was overdue.

Overdue book?

Come on.

It's my job.

What's the Library's real game?

Books?

Why do you care anymore?

'Cause what the hell else is there to do anymore?

Man, hey, that thing - Is not your business.

- It's Mayakovsky's spell, right?

Little something the brew up current?

It's fake.

It does not make magic.

It does blow up like a meth lab.

You met Mayakovsky?

I'd know his spellwork anywhere.

Yeah, me too, and I'm telling you All of this is his fault.

It by his, you mean Made a bunch of apocalypse-proof batteries, then did something to turn it all off all over the world.

Breaks his Incorporate Bond, screws us, he's got magic, he's free.

Tell you what Mayakovsky didn't think about Creatures.

They're fine.

Whatever they are, it's DNA.

So I hear.

We're fish bait now.

Thank God I got this place, 'cause they're coming.

I promise you.

Well, karma is a righteous bitch.

Karma's gonna be we k*ll them all, son.

If you can.

I mean, some of them look just like us.

You'd never know they're not quite human.

I like the little apron.

Penny.

Penny.

You shouldn't be here.

You don't have that kind of time to waste.

It's not wasted.

They treating you okay?

Everything's fine.

It's all fine.

Nothing is fine.

I'm looking at you.

There's that.

You look good.

White-knuckle sobriety and forced celibacy's my look.

You need to go back.

I-I was kinda thinking we were gonna grab a quickie in the car.

Yeah, that sounds great, except I don't have a car, and and you're f*cking dying.

Worth it.

Go.

I love you.

Go.

We don't have the funds to We're just going to have to borrow.

Begging Pardon, but Tick is right.

Excuse me, Sire.

Your Majesty?

Look, there is no unshitty answer to any of this, people, so suck it up.

Mmm.

Yeah.

We need to discuss the borders.

Great.

After lunch.

Thank you.

Dismissed.

We have things to discuss, dear.

- Fabulous.

- Not you.

Your long-suffering high queen.

You may go.

Margo, stay.

Lumbricus Campestris.

Don't tell me.

Feather of a left-handed crow?

Butterfly with PMS this time?

Turtle semen with a rosemary garnish?

It's a type of earthworm.

It lives abundantly in the grounds around the castle.

Collect them all.

Okay.

Really enjoying our ongoing whimsy-fest, but I am a tad busy trying to keep the country from starving,

- so

- Better hurry, then.

You were gone too long.

Was I?

Thought I was You have to move quickly out there.

Every time you leave this branch, you go where time moves normally and where time progresses So does my super cancer, I know.

It's a pity the best y'all could do was a place where time stopped.

You know, time going backward?

That'd be better.

I've been giving you assignments that shouldn't take more than an hour.

- I don't want you - Me to die?

How sweet of you, considering you poisoned me.

You know that wasn't me.

No one wants you to die.

I know.

You know, travelers?

Hard to come by.

I wish you wouldn't be so cynical.

Thank you.

You need to rest.

How is it?

Out there?

Depressing.

- Henry.

- Ah.

Is that is that Irene McAllistair?

Well, it is good to see you.

And how is the The board of trustees?

Oh, well, out of their minds.

Well, I don't need to tell you how many of their companies went belly up when magic d*ed.

You do not.

I have stock in several.

- Join the club.

- Yeah.

And your family?

Well, you know them.

Stuffy, cautious survive anything.

But the rest of the board Look, Henry, I came here alone because I respect you.

Well, you taught me everything that I know.

- No need to exaggerate.

- I'm not.

And no one needs to convince me that this school is important.

I gather that's not the case for everyone.

They're panicked.

They want magic.

So too do we all.

They believe that there's gotta be something out there somewhere.

Mayakovsky.

He was working on a-a battery.

We searched Brakebills South Still, they feel that, uh, the resources of this school would be best spent continuing to search for I cannot stop my students from searching.

But we are a school.

We still teach here.

It is perhaps more important than ever.

If they don't learn it, I fear no one will ever again, you understand?

I fear that too.

But if you don't find them something The board is gonna close down Brakebills.

You have to give them something, Henry.

Quickly.

So, what do you think?

Okay, say you were to do it.

Work your way through some piddly little Earth gods, find a way to talk to an actual Old God, and you say what?

Hi, please reconsider, even though you are a billion times smarter than I, and and more powerful, if you could please bring back magic, that would be great.

I don't know, I just I figured it couldn't hurt to get a little closer and maybe meet someone who knew more than we do.

- I hear you, Q, I do.

I just - What?

I wouldn't want what happened to me to happen to anyone else.

Look, you don't have to come.

I just I just wanted you to know.

Okay, you're gonna do a summoning alone?

Yeah.

I don't I don't know.

Okay, say I was willing to risk it.

I mean, it requires serious, big magic.

Okay, well, cultures all over the world have believed in these gods.

How did they call them?

Suffice to say, not quite the party I was expecting when I came down here, but I think I could help you.

How can I help you?

Yeah.

I was gonna respond, and then I remembered there's no point.

You can't help Penny anymore.

Says who?

What is that?

I have a job for you.

Earthworms.

Get anyone not actively Our full team is required to keep the castle safe.

Okay, okay, so get like five or six and do this for me.

Quick and dirty.

Ah, there you are.

Come join.

The southern province is whatever the Fillorian word for bankrupt is.

I need a drink.

So quick, little queen.

Where are the worms?

Don't tell me you sent someone out to do your work.

I'm a delegator.

It's a leadership quality.

You've clearly mastered it.

I thought I was clear.

They are to be plucked by female hands.

And I desire those hands to be yours.

But only if you wish to keep them.

sh*t!

Now this is bad.

I waited till I was sure none of those creepy little no-eyebrow f*ckers were around before I delegated.

So, how'd she know?

And so fast?

All right, so how do you know that he'll even be here tonight?

I mean, there's a million parties happening all over.

Easy.

He's on social media?

How else are followers supposed to find him?

Met him by total accident at Art Basel.

He kept that party going eight full days.

Best eight days of my life.

Anyway, that's his thing.

Swing in, stoke the party, soak in the worship, move on.

Inspiring, right?

You guys are gonna love him.

A tad too strong to fight Josh The Animal Hoberman.

Bacchus.

My deity.

How you living?

So good.

Um, get your fine ass in this bitch.

Lucy.

Bong hit.

Just to feel your touch Come back when you're fun.

Take it easy, baby, let's not My mistress wishes that I tell you Uh, and you can see here cracks from the swordplay of King Boris The Softspoken.

That is indeed fascinating.

Mm.

Abigail mentioned you have many fairy guests these days.

Guests, hostile occupying force, tomato, tomahto.

I presume you wish to extend the most elegant level of hospitality.

Do I?

For this reason, I make you aware of the corridor built by High Queen ChenLi the Bookish, of rare stone from the Shivering Sea.

Okay.

Why?

Unfortunately, certain species are allergic to the substance.

How allergic?

- Violently, your majesty.

- Good to know.

We advise that your guests cannot tolerate that area so if you are looking for them, they will undoubtedly be somewhere else.

A-plus, Rafe.

Huh.

If Rafe says so, guess maybe we're not the first royals living a 24/7 fairy reach-around.

So what the hell are we gonna do?

About Queen Bitch and all her spooky little b*tches?

Poison sounds nice.

Shockingly, all books on poison disappeared from the royal library right around the time they arrived.

They're armed, they're smart, they're multitudinous, they are invisible to the guard When you put it that way.

What if they know about this in Loria?

If I send Idri a message Worst case he comes here, you look at him naked and cheer up a little.

How dare you make me sound that shallow, but yes.

Hi.

Great to see you, as always.

I'll go write that letter.

To who?

Not Idri of Loria?

Actually, yes.

Our crops are dying now that we can't schedule the rain.

I hope he can help.

His library, like yours, has of course been purged of any material pertaining to our species.

And any Lorian aware of the existence of fairies has been instructed to keep their mouth shut or lose their tongue.

Please don't underestimate me again.

It hurts my feelings.

We're gonna go take a walk and have a good think about our behavior.

Come on, we not fun yet?

Yeah, do we not do we not amuse!

Do we not amuse?

Hey.

I think I I think I got it, Q.

Okay.

Oof.

Remember that time, 10th grade, right?

And we made up that dance and it was terrible.

- Oh, God.

- Yes.

So white and bad.

Yeah, that might actually work.

It was very, like, hip thrusty if I remember.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

I remember it, my friend.

Uh Ay-yo I'm tired of using technology Uh!

So why don't you sit in front of me Ay-yo!

I'm tired of using technology Uh!

I need you right in front of me Uh!

She wants it, uh, uh She wants it, uh She wants it, so I gotta give it to her - Uh.

- Ow!

She wants it, uh, uh She wants it, uh She wants it So you can fugging give it to her Where the dance don't cease East side, west side, king of the ball North side, south side, all of y'all Yo, DJ, play my song Show these people how I roll Hoberman!

Ohhh!

So, welcome.

Magicians, right?

Yeah, how can you tell?

Your hands, and your crazy level of trauma.

Cheers to that.

Ugh.

Going again.

Part deux.

I just, I w we would kind of really love to talk.

Kid, I'm Bacchus.

I am the god of not being a wiggly, little anxious wet dish rag that would kind of really love to talk to you, so I need you to unclench your vag*na and do that sh*t or I'm moving on.

Just a little sexist.

Five, four, three, two Attaboy.

Okay, what do you wanna do now?

Twister?

You wanna pierce something?

Oh, I've got Trivial Pursuit Star Trek edition.

Just Mr.

Bacchus, we Magic, and how it's completely gone.

Magic is gone for you little guys?

You don't say.

What is all over the U. S. ?

All over everywhere, we think.

I've been a little out of touch.

Well, that sucks for you.

Why?

Well I, um Sort of k*lled a-a god.

A minor like, a very, you know - We had to.

- A minor god.

Not because we wanted to, but just because we had to.

- You understand - Who?

Who the f*ck did you k*ll?

Um, Ember in Fillory?

I don't know that guy.

Deserved it.

I Tough choices make a man, man.

- Yeah.

- Open your mouth.

- Sorry?

- Like, open your mouth.

Happy birthday.

Okay, so this is gonna be a little bit more challenging than we expected.

What did you put in my mouth?

Alice?

Where are you going?

I can't do this.

I can't study dead magic.

- I can't - Can we just go sit down somewhere and talk, please?

Stop.

Look, here's the deal.

I thought if we hung out, maybe had sex, I don't know, went to school, it would feel like it did.

I thought I could forgive you, but I can't.

I just Say good-bye and let me go.

Good-bye, Alice.

Alice?

Nope.

I couldn't live by your laws I'm only human, what can I do I've tried to fight all I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, you okay?

Uh, yeah, sorry.

You are my heavenly fire Hey.

Sorry.

- I am so - No, it's - Very - Me too.

Very high.

I get it.

Does your high ever turn on you and you go from happy to remembering you live in a barren world devoid of magic?

Mine more goes from okay to oh yeah, you have PTSD from being sexually assaulted by a trickster god.

Long story.

I got time.

Let's talk about something else.

Sure.

Sure, whatever you Hey, you ever, uh I'm sorry.

I just really loved doing magic.

And I was good at it.

You should have tasted my tomatoes.

And just, the air smelled different, right?

And I could turn into a bird, or or or make a rose bloom.

And I saw actual Fillory.

And I banged a werewolf, yes.

That is weird, but also rad, because who gets to do that?

And I wasn't just some extremely average nobody.

I was gifted.

I didn't just belong somewhere.

I belonged anywhere because I was a Magician.

I just I don't even know what anything is even about anymore.

Maybe there's a way to get it back.

Look, no offense, I've been researching, and Stick a fork in it.

Come here and visit my world Come here and visit my world Did the street shining stars Our love is the only way Don't get lost 'cause I'm waiting Summer feelings are waiting Please tell me you're not just really, really good at smoke rings.

Mm-mm.

No, I can't even blow one.

How?

I don't know yet.

Julia.

Q!

You and me Stop, Q, you're giving me the spins Look, I know that you're blasted, but - You're blasted!

- Yeah, but even I know that you cannot show people that.

Why not?

Because if the wrong people found out He is not the wrong people.

I can't go through the rest of my life just not trusting anyone.

I feel f*cked up enough.

I get that.

Just put yourself in my shoes just for one second, Q.

I have magic.

And what does it do?

More or less jack sh*t.

And I see someone whose entire life would change if he could just see it.

Summer feelings are waiting I have to be able to do something with it.

And if that's cheer up Josh Hoberman, then I'll take it.

Because I can't you know, I can't be so precious with something that is so small.

It's not small, it's the it's the biggest magic, Jules.

'Cause as far as we know, for us little guys, it's the only magic out there.

Oww!

What oww.

Dude, you're gonna leave a mark and I don't like that in a non-sexual context.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, um You watched "Battlestar," right?

Yeah, I love when they do terrorism allegory - with mostly white people.

- Mm-hmm.

You remember Grace Park in season one?

Of course, best storyline.

- Why?

- Duh because she was actually You're Grace Park.

Okay?

You're Grace Park, Margo.

I'm Grace Park.

Yeah.

And we have ourselves a bit of a Gene Hackman in "The Conversation.

" - I didn't see that one.

- Yeah, right, um Someone is "xoxo, Gossip Girl"-ing our sh*t.

Remember James Marsden in X-Men, hm?

Your Marsden is xoxo-ing us full on that great song by The Police.

That Fairuza Balk in "The Craft.

" Yeah, more Cersei Lannister.

Hey, glad I made you read those.

Well, I read the Wiki.

What?

Those books are like a million pages long.

- I have a life.

- Okay.

Anyway, whatever your Marsden would xoxo, Cersei xoxo's.

So, we have to keep it very - best episode of "Buffy.

" - Musical?

The other one.

Okay.

How do we Lizzie Borden the sh*t out of this thing?

'Cause I am about ready to go full '07 Britney.

Maybe we could've back when this place was Pottered up.

Still.

Even without a wand, Harry would figure some sh*t out.

Honestly, I didn't quite finish those books either Our Harry, I mean.

Oh!

Him.

Well, he'd Mm-hmm.

Consult the creepy pedophile.

Mmm.

We're close, I think.

I thought this excursion was mostly about drinking heavily.

I needed to imply that so we could get away without extra eyes on us.

Fairies, Tick.

When magic d*ed, they pounced.

Full occupation.

This explains so much.

What will we do?

The white lady was spotted somewhere around here.

We're going to sh**t her, and then we're going to wish those fairies to the f*cking cornfield.

Oh, excellent.

Whatever a cornfield is.

Oh, whoa!

There he is!

Man or, god, I just Look, I thank you.

I just I feel you know, whatever you put in my mouth I just I feel like you know, like a sugary cereal in the good way.

You know?

It's like, - whoa!

- Haha, whoa.

- All right.

- Okay.

Hey, hey, sh*ts, right?

sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts.

You and me.

sh*ts, sh*ts.

I love you, I love you.

I'm falling on my knees In worship of you Yeeeah.

Look, so, anyway, I was thinking, while we're here, maybe I could ask you a few questions.

Dude.

You're a vibe-k*ller.

- No.

- Yes, you are.

And historically, I do smite vibe-K*llers.

No, look, I'm a vibe-supporter.

I just also happen to be a concerned Magician individual who would like to get a word in with your parents.

My parents?

Yeah, the Old Gods.

Are imperious and distant dickwads who I haven't spoken to in a millennia.

Rambo!

Let's get that foam g*n loaded, baby.

Um Look, I know that this really wasn't on your radar until you met us, but we've lost our most precious resource.

Dude, stop, okay?

If fixing magic is, like, so important to you, then you should just talk to this crazy guy that I met back in Athens one time.

Rambo!

Rambo!

What was the name of that guy that I met in Athens, that up-with-humans guy?

Fit bod.

You mean Prometheus?

Prom That guy loved Magicians, and he would want to help you.

He's dead.

What?

Prometheus d*ed, like, 1,500 years ago, man.

Sorry.

Damn it.

Well, he lived a pretty tortured existence, so, dying was probably a relief for him.

But, still, uh, he would've helped you.

He told me this crazy story one time about how there's like like, a secret back door to magic.

Wait, I'm sorry, what?

I don't remember the deets, okay, my face was melting off.

Secret back door.

- Just, something - Mm-hmm.

Wait!

Might've been a brothel.

sh*ts.

Tick?

Tick?

sh*t.

Not the best idea, Eliot.

Um I was looking for the White Lady.

Is this she?

Look, if you don't come out of there, I'm going to have to sh**t you.

Gods!

Have you never given a compliment?

For example, my, my, High King Eliot.

Your long legs look so well in those breeches.

Thank you.

Your turn.

You sound like a very attractive Creature.

You think so?

I've met many non-humans, and your voice is by far the sexiest.

- Really?

- I mean, you sound noble.

- I didn't mean - You're wise, for I am, indeed, the sexiest in the land.

It is I, the Great Cock of The Darkling Woods.

The Great Cock.

Have you never beheld one, child of Earth?

No, no.

No, I've beheld one or two.

But you are, by far, the most majestic.

I'm diligent about hydration.

All right, petitioner, let's chat.

I like your style.

What is the point of hearing a petition if the aesthetics are sh*t?

I need help with a fairy thing.

Tribal matriarchies are the absolute worse.

So, I was just hoping in your great, benevolent handsomeness that you would see fit to grant me just one little wish.

That's the sort of thing my sister, The Winter's Doe, specializes in.

Also, when was the last time a petitioner didn't get utterly assfucked by a wish-granting?

Yeah.

And yet I'll do you better.

There's a problem far greater than fairies.

Solve it, they're nothing.

I'll send you on an epic quest.

That's Ahh.

Wow, that's great.

Thank you.

It's just My people need help.

- They sure do.

- Today.

The Fairy Queen is sitting on my throne as we speak.

Do you want your magic back or not?

Will it not solve all your problems?

I mean, yes, but, it's just how long does a quest like this take?

A good season.

Right.

My kingdom is in trouble now.

You are a good king.

But it is time to become a great one.

In order to do that, you must travel to a land where you are no king, no Magician, just a vulnerable man.

Honestly, that sounds like something I might really f*ck up.

Yes, or it wouldn't be a quest.

You have friends, don't you?

I used to.

The one-eyed conqueror, the traveler, the warrior, the fool, the god-touched, the lover of tomatoes, and the t*rture artist Wait, which one is that?

- You lost me there.

- Nevermind.

You have a brother of the heart with the foppy hair.

- That would be Quentin.

- You're parts of one whole.

No one can do this alone.

Okay.

FYI, I can't contact them or reach them in any way.

You must find the book with no author.

A tale for children, but they're hardly that.

There is the key or, the keys in a place called Public Library.

In the shire of Chester in the land of New Jersey.

Again, that sure sounds like Earth.

Eliot, the quest I bestow on you is the task you were born for.

Claim it.

Abigail, talking-animal question.

So, bunnies.

Her Sluggishness has noted that you are aware of their messenger abilities.

So, that is what the Fairy Queen uses them for?

Bunnies move easily between worlds.

And do they serve her?

And if so, how loyally?

Every bunny for itself, Majesty.

Thank you.

Need help.

Love, Eliot.

Q.

I think this is it.

The Tale of the Seven Keys.

No author, I mean, I can feel something coming off of it.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Yeah, if by interesting, you mean, blank, sure.

Quests never give away the farm.

You've gotta earn everything.

Jules, this is our quest.

And we're already on it.

- Epic Quest.

- We have to.

- Map from the book.

- Work together.

- Also I think - Eliot.

- Epic Quest.

- The Great Cock.

- It's called After Island.

- A back door to - The Great Cock.

- Epic quest.

- Keys.

- Here's the deal.

- Epic quest.

- All seven keys.

- Here's the deal.

- Epic quest.

Just shush for one second, please.

Oh.

Uh, that one.

Put him first.

Your father and I are so proud of you.

Okay We are go for epic quest.

You are indeed a brave king.

I am indeed a guy with not much choice, but thanks for rounding up.

We're looking for keys.

Q and Julia believe whatever the keys unlock, will help restore magic.

And they think the first key is here in Fillory.

Excellent.

Some place called After Island?

Oh.

It lies beyond our border, Majesty.

You would be venturing to strange lands not your own.

So, not the friendliest?

It is said that even the Outer Sea itself wishes ill upon our king.

Some have sailed before you Oh, and how'd that go?

They drowned.

Oh.

Well, how do we prevent that?

I wish I knew, I only I know.

I know exactly the boat you need.

Ugh, okay!

That's enough.

Let's talk.

So transactional.

What do you want with a Lamprey anyway?

It's more what the Lamprey wants with me.

Oh, sh*t.

You poked the wrong bear, sweetness.

Just tell me what you know.

Please?

Well, if you could do magic Yeah, well, I can't.

So So, you're down to an early warning device.

An alarm, if you will.

So, just maybe, you still got time to run.

Okay, fine, I'll take it.

What, is that a joke?

I gave up jokes 80 years ago.

Tired of being misunderstood.

So get one, and keep it on your person at all times.

Buena suerte.

Just a side of bacon, please.