03x09 - All That Josh

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "The Magicians"

Children of Earth have been making a mess of things here for some time.

- [ANGRY CHATTER]

- [SCREAMING]

[TENSE MUSIC]

I demand that this trial/peasant uprising be dismissed.

Josh Hoberman, class of '16.

Come with me if you want to live.

[LAUGHS]

It has begun.

Sorry.

Is that cocaine?

It's the excretion of a very rare magical creature.

But yes, you will have to snort it.

- What creature?

- A fairy?

And I can't see her because I've never made a fairy deal?

My daughter's dead because of them.

You need to talk to Irene's fairy.

My name is Skye.

Fen, what is it?

What do you see?

It's her, it's Skye.

Oh, God, they cut off her leg.

That's what the powder is made of.

Weren't you supposed to report to the Underworld branch of the Library anyway?

Yeah, and I b*rned my body to avoid that.

Did you Okay, come on.

Alice, are you working with the Library?

[BOTH SHOUTING]

Maybe we should've waited at the mirror for a little while longer.

- I mean, maybe they survived somehow.

- They didn't.

Ask her.

Harriet and Victoria were in the bridge.

I'm pretty sure both mirrors shattered.

Oh, my God.

No.

There's your answer.

Where's your bag?

I need the Truth Key.

To see Penny, if he made it back.

All right.

You found The Fourth Key?

[SOFT FLUTTERING]

Here we go.

Okay.

It's in code.

Mm.

Be careful with that.

Penny?

- This looks familiar.

- You know what?

No.

Not till you tell me what you were doing in the Library.

I was finishing something.

Grand Unified Theory of Magic.

I needed information.

Penny!

Funny, 'cause there is no magic to unify.

Just let me see it again.

No.

I I know what it is.

Music.

Music?

Medieval music.

Here.

Just give it a minute, okay?

[MEDIEVAL MELODY]

- Sure you're playing it right?

- Yes, I'm sure.

Then you're an idiot.

Back then the scale didn't start at C.

So that's an A.

What?

No, I just didn't know that you had Well, me and music go way back.

It's what my mom took her clothes off to for money.

And save the judgment.

She was good.

And she liked it.

And it paid for piano lessons.

[MEDIEVAL MELODY]

- [PIANO RINGS OUT]

- [CROWD CHEERING]

[ROCK MUSIC BLARES]

Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh What?

Where'd it go?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What the hell?

Where did these people come from?

Who are they?

- I don't recognize them.

- What time is it, y'all?

Todd.

Yeah, it's time for the one, the only King of Party O'Clock!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Can't wait for the time when I could shed my skin You can't read my mind, but if you're wondering I'm somebody else, you ain't met me before I'll put my real face on Open the door [SINGING ECHOES, MUSIC PAUSES]

Wham, bam, here I am Demon of the glitter and glam Yes, catch your breath Got you eating out of my hand Wham, thank you, ma'am Now I'm here, the party is on Wow, check me out Don't know what you got till it's gone Guys, what took you so long?

Pump the b*at through my veins Ain't no stopping me now Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am Now I'm here, the party is on Wow, check us out Don't know what you got till it's gone ALL: Need it up, Need it up Turn the freakin' music up, Gone I think we found hell.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

Whatever this is, I don't have time.

Where's the door?

Really?

All the clocks say 4:20.

Well, it's not hell for Josh.

Why would the book send us here?

Where are we?

Guys.

Great to see you.

Seriously, it's been too long.

Little word of advice, this is a no-rules zone, except one You gotta be the vibe.

And the vibe is fun-in-the-sun, and you can't throw shade, capisce?

I have no idea what you just said.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Good to see you, uh Where are we, exactly?

And why are they doing that?

Okay, guys.

[CHUCKLES]

Guys, it's okay.

It's okay, all right?

[STAMMERS]

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONTINUES]

What Joshster was telling you, it's all good in the New World Order, but one rule, okay?

Have a blast, or adios.

How do we "adios," Todd?

There's no door.

True, but the trade-off Is this.

Holy sh*t.

Yeah, we're not just partying 'cause it's fun.

Uh-uh.

We're tearing it up 'cause magic is back, my babies.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, it is.

Whoo-hoo.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

How?

I Two words who cares?

Oh, my gosh, this feels [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC AND CHEERING FADE]

That bone saw, the smith who forged it must've been a monster.

Fen, I did a whole line of that fairy coke sh*t.

All right?

We've gotta help.

- We can't.

- Excuse me?

I agreed that what's being done to the fairies is awful, but they are evil, and I told you what they did to me, my daughter.

And Julia, they can't be enslaved.

They can do magic.

Yeah, but that was in Fillory.

You know, it's obviously different here.

Maybe maybe they're different.

And I can see them without making a deal.

How?

[ANGRY CHATTER]

[INDISTINCT CHANTING]

What the f*ck me hell?

You've been found guilty.

By a marsupial in a wig and a robe.

The judge you requested for trial.

- The Wombat?

- Wombat?

Jesus, Tick, I said combat.

We wanted trial by combat.

That is not, as you would say, "a thing" in Fillory.

Why do you think we went in with Bingle, a mute swordsman?

If we'd known it was a wombat judge, we would've hired a wombat lawyer.

There is some good news.

You are free to choose the manner of your execution.

Tick.

I don't mean to sound snappish, but what part of that news is remotely good?

It's an honor only bestowed upon the greatest of deposed monarchs.

Let's see.

The serrated spoon [GASPS]

Don't pick that one.

The steep climb up Fire Ant Mountain.

[CHUCKLES]

I'd pick the serrated spoon first.

The Infinite Waterfall.

The Stone Crush.

Wait.

Infinite Waterfall?

It's quite horrid, and wet.

[CHUCKLES]

Right.

But which death on your little list takes the longest?

The one with the word "infinite" in it.

- Right?

- Right.

A lot of time to Think on our royal sins and repent.

Plan on how best to Meet death gracefully.

As desired then.

You will plummet through freezing waters against walls of razor rocks, so you bleed out or drown, or if you're lucky, just starve to death.

I really don't think we could've picked a better option.

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

[WINE POURING]

Feels really good.

There's something very wrong here.

None of my locator spells are working.

I I don't know where we are.

How about I just blow a hole in the wall?

Sure, go ahead, but The only magic that works here is - Party tricks.

- Yeah.

Look, we're on the Quest.

So maybe there's a clue in what we can and can't do.

What we can't do is sit around here getting blitzed on never-ending scotch.

It's cognac, actually.

- Easy.

- You, easy.

- For all I know, this is you.

- Me?

Yeah, doing sh*t for your Library buddies - to slow us down.

- Okay, hey, you know what?

We're all pretty raw, so why don't we have a drink?

- [GLASS SHATTERS]

- [MUSIC STOPS]

[TENSE MUSIC]

Wait a bit.

Wh Whoa, whoa, whoa, take it e Ah.

No, no, no, no, no.

[GASPS]

No, no, no, no.

I'm not Ha ha happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you BOTH: [OUT OF TUNE]

Happy birthday, dear Fun and amazing party hounds [TOGETHER]

Happy birthday to you You [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC]

There's Josh.

We have to figure this out now.

- We can't do it here.

- We gotta get him alone.

I can get him upstairs.

Somebody has to stay here and put on a show so that they don't pick up on any bad vibes.

[SIGHING]

Okay.

You take the nerd.

[SIGHS]

I got these bozos.

[EXHALES]

[SIGHS]

I can thank good ol' mom.

Ah.

Here.

Here, I [GASPS]

Who are you?

How can you see me?

I'm Julia.

You've probably seen me with Irene?

You're Skye.

Um, my my friend Fen, she told me about you, about what happened with your leg.

I'm sorry, I'm very busy.

You clean their homes, you cook their food, and they take your leg and grind it into powder to snort so they can do magic tricks.

I wanna help you get out of here.

No.

No, this is the way.

We can't do magic.

We're helpless.

The McAllistairs, they protect us.

No, the McAllistairs use you.

And they hurt you.

Mrs.

McAllistair will be angry if I'm late.

I'm told that fairies can do magic.

[SCOFFS]

If that's true, if I can show you that, it proves that the McAllistairs have lied to you.

About everything.

Meet me in the lab as soon as you can get away.

Deal?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[JAZZ PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Got my new gown Got my hair - Wait.

- [MUSIC STOPS]

Wrong key.

Try E.

It's in A.

We like it in E.

[CHATTER]

That's an excellent idea.

[CHUCKLES]

Thank you.

I always felt a connection.

Especially when you'd glare at me like you were trying to k*ll me.

I always thought you were annoying.

Which turns out to be my power move.

Yeah, just not today.

[SIGHS]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Got my new gown Got my hair down All I need, oh Is the boy Got my silk net Got my heart set Got my five yards of beaded crêpe De chine on Now all I need's a strong arm to lean on If he'll just appear We'll use this big town For a toy And if He'll say My darling, I'm yours I'll throw away My silk nets Yes, and every bead All I really need Is the boy [MUFFLED JAZZ MUSIC]

Is this a thing you guys are into?

I'm not judging, it's just a little high school.

Oh, my God.

Is that the book?

Not here.

All right, of course.

It's not even our piano.

It's just a part of all this.

I don't know what you guys are babbling about.

I had it moved up here so I could rehearse.

Hence the reason it's in my room.

This isn't your room.

Yeah, Josh, you're a Naturalist.

This is not even your house.

That's pretty much all you know about me, right?

Where am I from?

Where'd I go to undergrad?

When is the last time we actually saw each other?

A couple of weeks ago?

I Exactly.

I texted, I called.

Over and over, to try to get back with you guys and go on the Quest.

Go ahead, check your phones.

I got one reply, from Julia.

Then Nada from any of you.

And that's pretty much all you think about me, right?

Got my new gown Got my hair down All I need now Is the boy Got my silk net Ventriloquist act.

Nice trick.

Is that even your voice down there?

Brava.

You really contacted a lot.

Um, uh, sorry, we were just so Narcissistically up your own asses?

Look, you ditched us in Fillory, so it's not Not the same.

That was cowardice.

Not indifference.

Look, it's fine.

It's fine.

Because we don't really know each other, and now we don't need to.

Quest is over.

Magic is back.

Okay, great, well, then just magic yourself - out of those ropes.

- [SNICKERS]

[GRUNTS]

That is weird.

Josh, I know you're a smart guy.

And you want to believe that this is real because it feels so good, but this isn't life, okay?

And I'm worried the longer you stay here, the less you'll want to leave.

Look, he wants to stay.

Fine.

Just tell us how you got here so we can get out.

[WIND ROARING]

Leave us.

[SIGHS]

All right.

Good, good, good, good, good, good, good.

You pickpocketed the key?

I did not.

Wait till it gets dark, that's better.

Let me stop you right there.

I will not be helping you escape.

In fact, I will not be helping you with anything, - ever again.

- Wait, what?

You're the worst.

The absolute worst rulers Fillory has ever had.

Oh, come on.

Martin Chatwin?

All of you.

Children of Earth.

The divine prank of Ember and Umber's.

And you know what's truly infuriating?

How you always really believe you have the right.

Look, we didn't make the rules here.

We don't even like them.

Good, as they no longer need to be followed.

No magic means no more idiotic Earth rulers, and I get my Kingdom back.

Your Kingdom?

I ran Fillory for years.

- [SNICKERS]

- Tick.

Maybe we can just take a b*at, okay?

If there's something that we did or didn't do, or missed or f*cked up, don't you think after everything that we have been through, you couldn't just, I don't know, maybe talk to us?

I refuse to beg for what I have waited to seize.

Now is the time.

[GLEEFULLY INHALES]

Muntjac, we are going to the Infinite Waterfall.

As soon as we reach the point of no return, we'll put them in a lifeboat and let the rapids carry them over the edge.

And then finally have a free Fillory of, for, and by Fillorians like us.

What do you say?

Allies?

[GIGGLES]

Her too?

Does everybody hate us?

All right, you've got us guarded and locked down here.

You might as well just undo these.

I shall not.

[GIGGLES]

[TENSE MUSIC]

Okay, the "not" thing is kind of arch.

How is this not a terrible idea?

Fen, whatever they did, they don't deserve to I mean, nobody deserves to [DOOR SQUEAKS SOFTLY]

Mrs.

McAllistair is dining.

I have one hour.

Uh.

Uh, okay, um, we won't push too hard.

I just want to see what you can do.

So after I couldn't find Kady, I called and called and called Okay, we suck.

Got it.

Next?

I went back to Bacchus'.

Party was still raging.

But no matter how hard I hit the pharmaceuticals, I couldn't shake the fact that I was ditched hard by you guys.

Which wasn't exactly unfamiliar.

And, can you untie me?

You've made your point and I can't feel my thumbs.

[MUFFLED JAZZ MUSIC]

It's a life theme for me, I guess.

You know, my brother got us tickets to that concert.

Turned out to be the last one Bowie did in the U. S.

- I saw it.

- It was amazing, wasn't it?

Is what I heard from my brother, who ditched me to take Ann Posner.

And even after they got back and told me how great it was, and that Bowie went into the middle of the crowd to do "Under Pressure," I didn't feel as bad as I should've because I was just like, "This is what happens.

This is what's always gonna happen.

" Can we just get back to the part of how you got here?

[MUFFLED CLUB MUSIC]

- Todd?

- What's up, brother?

Not my d*ck.

I gotta crash.

Hey, uh Let you in on a little secret?

[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]

Get the f*ck out.

Okay one, if I'm tripping, keep me on a molly drip.

Two, who else knows?

Three, how?

- Ooh.

- One, you are not tripping.

Two, everyone who needs to know.

- And three - [CHUCKLES]

Wait, Todd has the Fifth Key?

It's one of them.

I'm not sure.

Well, let's get it.

Well The key isn't the key to what we're getting up to here.

Okay, but that's pretty important.

I need to tell my friends.

Are they here?

And sorry, but how can magic be back if you have one of the keys?

[MUSIC STOPS]

And why are they Yes, we lived it.

Uh, have a blast or all: Adios.

That wasn't maybe a clue all this was fake?

It's not fake.

It's just different, okay?

Magic comes back, it's a little off.

Things always evolve.

[JAZZ MUSIC]

For a toy And if he'll say My darling I'm yours, I'll throw away My silk net, yes [TENSE MUSIC]

Look, have you seen anybody else you know other than Todd?

- Have you been outside?

- I mean, these guys are great.

And I'll get a campus tour as soon as Josh, this is not Brakebills.

And this Todd, very un-Todd.

The real Todd isn't creepily bossy with a prancing army that turns psycho the m Oh, no.

Okay, Josh, the quest brought us here for a reason, and it's not to party to death for Todd's pleasure.

- Uh - Wait, that's it.

- What's it?

- Why Todd isn't Todd.

I think [POUNDING ON DOOR]

sh*t.

Okay, look, we have been total dicks to you, and I swear to you, we are gonna make it up to you, but you have to buy us some time so that we can figure this out.

Figure it out or don't, but if you're right, and this is my own private Idaho, I want you out of it.

[TENSE MUSIC]

[FUNK MUSIC]

Let's hustle.

[ALL CHEERING]

Ready?

- [SIGHS]

- Okay.

It's okay.

Again.

One, two, three.

[SIGHS]

This is silly.

Maybe you're teaching it wrong.

I've never seen a fairy do all that Magician-y finger bending.

They are magic.

They don't have to access it.

They just get right to the ruining-your-life part.

Okay.

Here.

Give me your hand.

Imagine a flower growing out of the palm of your hand.

But don't picture it in your head.

Picture it here.

In the real world.

You might not ever get rich But let me tell you, it's better than digging a ditch - Wait, Todd's a what?

- A traumesser.

It's from German folk tales.

It's a demon who creates a pocket world where all your fantasies come true, and then feeds off your happiness.

So, it's a joy junkie?

Yeah, and it created all this to mainline Josh.

Who just happens to look like Todd?

It's also a shape-shifter.

But how would it find the Fifth Key and why?

- And, why would it hide it?

- I don't know.

It's not malevolent.

Well, for demons.

Okay, so the demon had the Fifth Key here.

The book brought us here, so the the key is still gotta be here, right?

Ugh, boy, not working in E.

- What?

- Uh, just the the song.

- Not Todd has a fetish for - E.

- The Fifth Key.

- But from A.

[PIANO NOTE REVERBERATES AND RATTLES]

Wait, wait.

No fingers.

Sometimes bad sh*t happens.

[KEY CLINKS AGAINST GLASS]

Give it a sec.

See if it tells us what it is.

Honey, you don't have to listen to Tick.

You can just do your own thing.

Turn around, head home, relax, whatevs.

[CHAINS RATTLE]

Nothing.

Maybe Tick was right about us.

I mean, what really gave us the right?

Hey, we didn't make the world.

It was baked by f*cking goat-meat nut-jobs, so of course it's insane.

And of course we're insane for thinking we can make it better.

- But you know what?

- What?

We did.

- For a hot minute, we did.

- When?

Right after you and Idri sealed that deal.

And he turned into a rat?

- I said "one hot minute.

" - [CHUCKLES]

I meant, literally one perfect minute - on this god-f*cked rock.

- [LAUGHS]

And we can do it again.

We made it better.

I mean, come on.

We've pretty much only ever had each other.

Ugh.

And that's gotten us through pretty much everything.

- Mm-hmm.

- I mean, everything.

Everything.

[LAUGHS]

Well, whatever happens, thank you for giving us the time where we can finally just speak with no bullshit, and I can just say, I love you, Margo.

I know.

[WATERFALL THUNDERS]

[TENSE MUSIC]

We've reached the point of no return.

Please stop so we can cast them off.

Please.

Stop.

Please?

I order you to stop, this moment.

I am your king.

Stop right now.

[WHIMPERS]

[GASPS]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[GASPS]

[CHUCKLES]

My first Royal Proclamation Scuttle all ships that can think.

Write that down.

I don't suppose you'd stop for me?

[WHIMPERS]

Ah.

[TENSE MUSIC]

f*ck this.

[GLOW BUZZING]

Holy sh*t.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[GASPS]

[TENSE MUSIC]

The necklace.

It kills them when they use magic.

- How could I not - Your eyes.

Julia.

The magic you just did.

You didn't use your hands.

How?

I think I'm leveling up.

- [FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

- Working at the car wash Working at the car wash, Yeah Come on down and sing it with me Car wash Car wash, yeah Dude, I'm new here, okay?

I don't know where the coffee is.

I don't even know if there is coffee here.

Penny.

- Wait, you hear him too?

- Inside your head?

Yeah, me too.

Penny, Penny!

Wait, Kady?

Oh, my God, Penny, where are you?

I'm I'm in the Underworld Library.

Where are you?

How am I hearing you?

I don't know, but we can all hear you.

Yeah, can you can you hear all of us?

- Am I hallucinating?

- If you are, so am I.

Um - Eliot, Margo?

- Quentin?

Penny?

What's going on?

Uh, okay, it's the Fifth Key; that must be what it does.

It it links us all up.

Guys, I'm sure this is important, but I almost k*lled somebody.

And then somehow froze her in time.

And I'm not sure what to do next.

So just give me a sec.

Hi.

Well, we're chained to a boat about to go over a waterfall.

Yeah, complete with lacerating rocks, so Oh, sh*t, the Infinite Waterfall.

Not helping wait, you guys have magic.

Can you stop this boat?

No, it's not that kind of magic.

Great, well, enjoy our death screams, I guess.

Hey, everybody out of my head.

Josh oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think, um Look, look, we go back to Brakebills.

And then we get the Time Key, and we reverse No, no, we can't go through the door.

Why?

Because we are all listening to each other.

We're speaking to each other.

All eight of us.

That That's what it is, it's unity.

Uh The Quest brought us to a world made for the Quester who always feels left behind.

The key The key needs us to work together.

- Um - Oh, bullshit!

[MUSIC STOPS]

You know, everything was great until you guys got here, - so just go.

- Wait, who's that?

Perfect, thank you, Penny.

[TENSE MUSIC]

You know what?

f*ck the rule.

No, Josh, uh, Josh, just calm down, I And f*ck you!

Wah!

[GROANING, GRUNTING]

Ah, no, no.

Okay, everybody, listen.

Um, we have to save Josh and convince him to come back with us.

No idea what you're talking about.

All right, well, we've got some life and death stakes of our own over here.

Yes, we're all f*cked in our own way, like always.

But if we do not do this, then the Quest is done.

Okay, we have to work together and we have to do it now.

All right, it's gonna sound weird, but just go with me.

You're gonna hear music, and I'm gonna make sure that everyone knows the words, but every single one of us has to sing.

[DAVID BOWIE AND QUEEN'S "UNDER PRESSURE" PLAYS]

God, I hate you.

Ah, stop!

Ugh, no.

No, stop, stop!

[TOGETHER]

Mm bu Ba De Um bum Ba De Bu bu bum Ba De De Pressure pushing down on me Pressing down on you, No man ask for Under pressure That brings a building down, Splits a family in two BOTH: Puts people on streets Um Ba Ba be, Um Ba Ba be Bi De da, Di De da Julia?

That's the terror of knowing What this world is about BOTH: Watching some good friends Screaming let me out Pray tomorrow gets me higher Pressure on people, People on streets ALL: De De dum Ba da da da bum Okay Chippin' around Kick my brains around the floor These are the days it never rains but it pours ALL: Ee doo doe De ma Ee da Ba Ba Ba Do bum, beh lap People on streets Ee da Dee da deh People on streets Ee da Dee da Dee da Dee da It's the terror of knowing what this world is about ALL: Watching some good friends Screaming let me out Pray tomorrow takes me higher Higher high Pressure on people, People on streets God damn it, Penny.

Turned away from it all like a blind man Sat on a fence but it don't work BOTH: Keep coming up with love But it's so slashed and torn ALL: Why Why, Why [SUSTAINING]

Love love love love love Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking Can't we give ourselves one more chance Why can't we give love that one more chance Why can't we give love Give love give love Give love give love, Give love Give love give love 'Cause love's such an old-fashioned word And love dares you To care for ALL: The people on the Edge of the night And love dares you To change our way of Caring about ourselves This is our last dance This is our last dance This is ourselves Under pressure Under pressure Pressure [SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]

Bowie fan?

Margo fan.

Well, he said you'd ace it.

Who said what?

The only one I'd do this for.

To be honest, it was kind of a pain.

Nothing personal, Josh, but after a couple of weeks, I started having doubts whether your friends would come or actually be worthy.

Right, so this was all a test?

Everything's just a test.

Right, Pen?

Penny?

- Penny, can you hear me?

- Eliot, Margo?

Wait, why can't we hear each other anymore?

I don't mean to be rude, but pigging out on Josh's dream world has left me a little gassy.

I need a little me time at the ashram.

So Auf Weidersen.

Congratulations.

Schnell, schnell.

You can just feel the boring.

Thank God.

Wait, where is the Truth Key?

Is it gone?

Just needed to borrow it.

Hey, guys.

Phew.

Josh.

You never called me back.

The old me was a d*ck that way.

[PAPER CRINKLING]

Really?

- I missed a lot, didn't I?

Yep.