03x12 - The Fillorian Candidate

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Us"

- What?

- Just imagine a montage.

A group of fine looking grad students were invited to a secret school for magic where a bunch of stuff happened that doesn't really matter, until they ran into a mysterious figure.

The answer to a riddle they didn't even know to ask.

It's you.

Do you want this recap or not?

So yeah, it was me.

Things were awesome.

For a minute.

We became kings and queens.

Well, everybody but you.

Everyone hooked up, I had a threesome with two harpies.

Just get to the parts about me.

You had a lot of drama with your hands.

You signed a billion-year contract with the Library - to help out Kady.

- Wait, who's that?

Kady Orloff-Diaz?

Love of your life?

Looks like she could cr*ck open your balls, because she can?

Well, it was a love for the ages.

Despite the fact that Kady got in way over her head with some hedge witches.

Especially her best bitch, Julia Wicker.

Their term, not mine.

I would never.

Whatever went down definitely made them ex-best Witches.

Truthfully, the only person Kady can stand is you.

And that pretty much cut both ways.

No, come on, Penny, don't don't Come on.

And then you d*ed.

Kind of.

Meanwhile, magic got all jacked up.

You know what's weird, that jacked up is bad, - but jacked off is great.

- Focus, dude.

So, with magic gone, a bunch of Fairy dicks invaded Fillory, made Eliot and Margo look like derps, so the people revolted.

Only ray of hope?

Julia mysteriously still has magic.

Why?

Question mark!

We got sent on a dope quest to find the Seven Keys that unlock magic.

But the fourth one got dragon gobbled and lost in the Underworld.

The other Penny sent us the key, but never came back.

- Then came my grand adventure.

- Hard pass.

I also saved the day in your dumb timeline.

- And snagged up Key seven.

- Yeah, I was there for that.

And you didn't save sh*t.

Now wait, you skipped the Sixth Key.

This makes no g*dd*mn sense.

No, it's intentionally confusing.

You see, Julia saved a bunch of Fairies from sl*very, So the Fairy Queen was like, I have the Sixth Key, but I'm not going to give it to you because she's A creamy bitch is what she is.

Meanwhile, Alice has been acting real fishy.

Quentin was all like Are you working for the Library?

- And she was all - Yes.

And now, if you would please refer to the hookup/m*rder chart.

Penny got with the other Alice.

- Interesting.

- Now that we know who porked whom, let's go over who m*rder*d whom.

Penny.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

You're Kady.

- What's going on?

- I'm not your Penny.

[DARK MUSIC]

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

[MUFFLED, STATICKY VOICES]

Julia?

- Sorry, uh, what?

- What I'm saying is, if there's a monster behind the door, opening the door is probably not the smartest plan.

But that's where magic is, like what, we can't exactly just stop.

Plus, this didn't come - from the most reliable source.

- He was you.

- He was the Beast.

- Making decisions like this without understanding the consequences is exactly why magic is gone.

So we figure out if it's true.

We we search the castle, find out what's inside.

We could ask the Library.

Yeah, you're right.

You should ask them.

They say they want to help.

It'd be nice if they actually did.

I'll let you know what they say.

Q Do you have a better plan?

Yeah, maybe don't trust the Library?

They literally snort the bones of Fairies.

We don't have to trust them.

The Penny that you brought with you, - The - Penny 23.

Yeah, look.

Ask him to follow Alice to the Library.

He can Astral Project, they'll never even know he was there.

Catching up on the news?

My timeline was post apocalyptic, and it wasn't this f*cked up.

Alice is meeting with the Library.

We need you to follow her on the Astral Plane.

Q thinks you're more likely to say yes if I ask, because you and the other me shared a thing.

But we both know that we're total strangers.

- So - Go on.

Well see, this is a chance to un-f*ck magic.

And as a new citizen of Timeline 40, that should be something you would want to do.

Whoever asks.

I have heard of the Castle at the End of the World.

It was built by the gods, but its contents are secret by design.

All we mortals know is that we are not meant to know.

Why wouldn't they want you to know what's inside?

Perhaps it is indeed the lair of a horrifying monster.

Or perhaps they simply enjoy tormenting those of us who dedicate our lives to cataloguing information.

Well whatever their motive, we'd be idiots to go in totally blind.

Then ask someone who's been inside.

A god.

I believe your friends have had encounters with them.

Now, there is another matter.

That's the Siphon?

We thought it'd be bigger.

It needs to be powered, and it requires a lot of energy.

Our intended source has not fulfilled their end of our bargain.

Well, how are we supposed to use it?

Your friend Julia.

She's powerful enough.

If her magic were implanted into the Siphon She'd never go for that if she knew what this does.

Then you'll have to take the power from her by force.

That could k*ll her.

We've all made sacrifices in pursuit of our greater purpose.

We need the Siphon charged before I know.

I just need some time to figure out another way, or - I'll be in touch.

- Remember.

Once magic is flowing again, you have 30 seconds to attach the Siphon.

If you miss that window, our chance is gone forever.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

I come bearing gifts.

This is like, 80% taco supplies.

I'm sorry, do they not have Tuesdays in Fillory?

Feel free to do your own grocery shopping next time.

No, no, if I have to catch, pluck, or boil one more pigeon, I'm going to hurl myself off this ship.

I was gone a lot longer than I thought it would be.

- [EXHALES]

- Listen, Fen.

Before you were born, you were promised to a stranger.

A king.

And I'm not one anymore.

You don't have to stay for my sake.

I'm guessing you've never thought about where I would be if you never showed up.

I have.

Still in that same village where I was born, married to one of the three obnoxious boys I lived next to.

Now those boys want to drop you off a waterfall, and that's them being polite.

What do you think they would do if they got their hands on me?

That got less touching as you went.

I can't go back to my old life.

I'm stuck with you, and that means you're stuck with me.

We've been trying to negotiate with the Fairy Queen for the last Key, but this is what we got back.

- Eat my ass!

- We're not sure if Eat my ass!

Eat.

My.

Ass!

If this was the Fairy Queen's response or this is one very kinky rabbit.

Maybe there's something we can do to get her attention?

[MUFFLED]

Eat.

My.

Ass.

These are on the house.

For you saving my life.

We need to talk to your Queen.

You must know how to get her to come.

- It's an emergency.

- No.

The last time I saw her, she threatened to m*rder me.

Glass half full she didn't actually go through with it.

But you must have Fairy stepsisters or someone you can talk to?

There were no Fairy children in the realm.

Just humans they bargained away from their real parents.

Like me.

Being sent to you ruined everything.

I can't go back to the Fairy Realm.

I don't fit in with humans.

Why do you think - I work at an animal bar?

- No, really, [LAUGHING]

really, I'm not judging you.

Trust me, I'm not judging you.

Now you show up and want to make things even worse.

Look, it's too late for me to fix your f*cked up childhood.

But what we want to offer the Queen would mean real peace for humans and fairies.

Maybe the distance between us can finally start to close.

And maybe then, you won't feel so alone.

That's kind.

But just so you know, I'm not alone.

No, really.

Bye, Margo.

Bye, Humbledrum.

I love that bear.

So do I.

Yeah, hooray for bears, but we were - kind of having a moment.

- No, honey, she loves him.

Uh, so not bear boss.

Bear boyfriend?

- Is that a thing in Fillory?

- Apparently, very taboo.

But like I told Humbledrum, as long as it's consensual, if I got my way, I'd say go hog wild or bear wild or bull wild.

He's very concerned about getting your approval.

I don't think he quite gets that you're not even Fray's real dad.

Well, then I will say what I wish my father had said to me.

I'm so happy you're dating a bear.

Thanks Dad.

Thanks, Fray's dad.

No problem.

That's all the Librarian knows.

We have to find somebody who's been inside the Castle.

So A god.

You say that like it's easy.

Our Lady Underground hasn't answered me in months.

Yeah, the only way to track Bacchus down was his Instagram, and it looks like it got deleted for terms of service violations.

Nipples, apparently.

Well, that's bullshit.

I'll ask Dean Fogg.

If I can catch him when he's sober, maybe.

She's lying.

Not about the god stuff, that's true.

It's what she's leaving out.

They have some sort of metal thing called a Siphon.

She's supposed to charge it up by ripping out Julia's power, which could k*ll her.

She didn't seem psyched about the idea, but she didn't say no.

So, now what?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

What's that?

Truth Key?

If it was, I'd tell you to go away.

Unity.

The walkie-talkie key.

You're trying to talk to the other Penny.

No offense you're the other Penny.

Look.

I don't blame you.

You're just trying to survive.

It's it's everyone else.

Acting like finding you is enough.

When our Penny, the real Penny, is out there.

Down there.

And maybe if we talk to him, we could help him.

- Oh, what?

- Just all that sh*t that you did for the other me.

The only person that would have done that for me on my timeline is Julia.

Yeah, well [SNIFFLING]

our Julia is different.

She is not the person you loved.

You don't owe me anything.

But for what it's worth, it'd be helpful if you explained it.

How she's different.

What about Reynard?

What happened to him after O. L. U. took him away?

I don't know.

But it was his spark that Our Lady gave to Julia.

And now it's not about me.

None of it ever really felt about me.

So I've, uh never really known how to deal with how angry I am at all of it.

Wait, so he could be out there?

Still a god, but powerless?

I guess.

And only gods know what's behind the door.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

No.

We have to find Reynard.

Thank you for coming.

I actually have nothing to say to you.

I know what you want.

- And I can't give it to you.

- We get it.

Humans will chop you up and snort your innards.

But not all humans are like that, you know that.

- We aren't.

- I told Julia about our Key to give you all a chance to give up on your quest.

We aren't questing, we are surrendering.

We are giving you what you want A nice, quiet, moist as hell spot on Fillory for you to settle.

And you give us the Key.

Or I walk away.

And when the Lorians, Floaters, and Western Hordes are done with Fillory, I can take it.

All of it.

Our lifespans dwarf even the dwarves.

We can wait for what we want.

Oh, but you can't, can you?

You see, Fray, well, she told us that there are no Fairy children in your realm.

So that's a prob.

That's why you planted your eggs in the Northern Orchard, isn't it?

You can't reproduce in the Fairy Realm.

Without Fillory, you go extinct.

Fine, ignore the problem.

Your egg hole's only getting dustier.

You no longer speak for the people of Fillory.

Tick Pickwick does.

And he has no interest in a deal.

If you want my Key, come back with a crown.

Or an army.

[DARK MUSIC]

I pray to you, Our Lady Underground.

Please don't be withholding for once.

[WHISPERING VOICES]

- God damn it!

- Hello?

Dean Fogg?

Were you talking in here?

No, I was not, why?

I, um, I woke up this morning with this ringing in my ears.

You should get that checked.

By someone who isn't me.

But it's not just that.

I can feel what other people are feeling.

You were given the power of a god.

Spiritual people might say that you're hearing prayers.

I heard you.

I felt something coming from you.

What, exactly?

Desperation.

Oh.

[LAUGHS]

Look, I think that I'm supposed to help you No, I do not need your help.

Yes, you do.

- Your eyes - Were injured magically, and fixing them with magic risks changing the very core of who I am.

Do you understand?

Yes.

If you did it, or another Magician.

But that's not what I am, exactly.

If I'm hearing prayers, I'm supposed to do something about them.

Why give me this otherwise?

[SOMBER MUSIC]

You know, I put a little leftover pigeon in my taco, and it's really really bad.

We need the Key to get back magic.

We need our thrones to get the Key.

We need magic to get our thrones.

It is an ouroboros of ass.

Maybe King Idri and the Stone Queen will back our claims.

We defeat Tick's army, - storm the castle - Yes, and, what if we replace the part where we k*ll everyone with Oh, off the top of my head democracy?

Like we were going to do before magic got borked?

Tick's the only one who can call for an election, and he's got nothing to gain.

Oh, he'll call for it, all right.

Josh, I need you to go to Kinko's.

Election?

What is this?

There are thousands of them.

They were falling from the sky.

Over villages, farms, a brothel I happened to be walking by.

Collect them all and burn them.

Of course, your grumpiness.

But as Abigail wisely reminded me, the citizens now believe they're getting elections.

You'd have to be the one to announce they're not.

Given the revolutionary mood the people have been in recently Your plan worked.

Tick already started putting up his own campaign flyers.

Of course it worked.

Giving people sh*t is easy.

Taking it away is almost impossible.

Like Obamacare.

Or herpes.

Too true, Bambi.

Speaking of difficult conversations with a former lover, do you have a second?

Why the f*ck shouldn't my name be on that ballot?

Because we are running for king.

We can call the job whatever we want after we win it.

It has been a struggle to bring this place into the 20th century.

Yes, 20th, because when we got here, it was straight up Dark Ages, and we have to start somewhere.

Yeah, we're really civilizing them.

What should we teach them next?

To outlaw abortion?

Women don't want to work?

Wage gaps?

Thigh gaps?

Fillory is patriarchal.

And we've got to put our best foot forward.

And I'm sorry, but in this case, our foot should have a d*ck.

What, Josh?

Do you have some patronizing bullshit to tell me, too?

No, uh, could you drop me off at the Earth portal tree?

- I have an idea, but I need - Me?

- How did you - Yeah, I have no idea.

Hi, Margo.

I felt you needed my help.

And now I'm here.

It's been a weird day.

Can't believe I did this.

This forest fed so many people.

Not for nothing, but when I was at my lowest point, that tiny spell you showed me, it's what got me back in the fight.

Magic is the thing that makes the children of Earth special.

All I'm asking is, try.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

[BRANCHES CREAKING, CRACKLING]

Vote Children of Earth.

Vote Children of Earth.

Vote the Children of Earth!

Step right up, grab a poster.

We need to talk.

- Look, Quentin - What is a Siphon?

And why do you need Julia to power it?

- You spied on me?

- What does it do?

It's a safeguard.

That's all.

The Library wants to turn magic back on.

And once it's back on, they want to make sure it doesn't get used for the wrong things - by the wrong people.

- So, the Siphon diverts magic to the Library so that they can choose who can use it?

Look, you took a test to get into Brakebills.

If you failed, you would have gotten sent away, with no memory of magic.

Happily ignorant.

But because a group of smart individuals made a judgment call, they let you in.

Why should the Library get to choose?

They're corrupt, they're K*llers.

Yeah, so are we.

At least they have the information, the perspective.

You love magic, and you're probably the best there is at it.

You're terrified of what you'll do with it.

- I have reason to be.

- I don't know everything that you did as a niffin, but I know that people make mistakes so that they can change and do better.

But only if they're given the chance.

Taking away choice is not the answer.

There are seven Keys, and we have eight questers.

We can do this without you, and we will.

Unless you give me the Siphon.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Just remember that when magic was turned off, your dad went into remission, Q.

And once you turn it back on, his cancer comes back, and he dies.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

Straw polls are in, and our ratings are way up.

I mean, off the charts.

Julia has done us the solidest solid.

After the trees, she grew food for the starving peasants.

She fixed the dry wells.

She even helped this one guy's bajanked case of head lice.

I mean, Children of Earth are back on top!

Her Flealessness suggests that your time as High King has been so brief, the Fillorian people don't yet know what you stand for.

I stand for them.

I stand for economic stability.

For a solid, well-researched strategy.

That's it.

I'm going to tell them, in detail, my plan.

Rafe, write this down.

My fellow Fillorians, I hereby set forth my policy to restore economic and societal growth to a reunified Fillory Blah, blah, blah, blah.

So uninspiring.

Does he really think he can win by boring them to death?

Josh!

I hereby declare all native Fillorians shall receive ten free sacks of grain every year.

And how exactly are we supposed to grow that much grain, even with magic?

You're making a promise you can't keep.

Bambi, first rule of politics on Earth All you have to do is say it.

It doesn't have to be true.

[TENSE MUSIC]

I hereby declare, under my administration, low-interest loans for all new infrastructure.

Easy.

No-interest loans.

And we're going to build Fillory's first Power plants.

Like, geraniums?

Will Tick's granular policies keep you warm at night?

No, you know what will?

Extending the Fillorian summer.

My proposition for growth in new sectors - Free healthcare for all!

- Based on rigorous - rigorous survey research - Champagne fountains - in every village.

- The abatement of dependency - on the Golden Goose standard.

- Wealth!

Regulation of agricultural waste to prevent environmental runoff.

- Feasts.

- Annual famine - and rampant poverty.

- Boat parties!

ALL: Three cheers for Eliot!

Hooray, hooray, hooray!

- Eliot, I am so sorry.

- What is it?

Tick's campaign just leaked the transcript from your trial.

You mean the one where he called Fillory a malodorous sh*thole?

It's already hit the Posts.

Son of a Pickwick.

Julia, what the f*ck There's a little boy in Syracuse.

I can feel his parents praying.

I know if I just focus enough, I can bring down his fever.

[STAMMERS]

I feel bad interrupting this.

But we need your help with something.

Finding Reynard.

I know.

But we need to talk to a god.

- I want to help you, but - Julia.

You have all the power now.

Yeah, but he's still a trickster.

We don't know what he's capable of.

Look, nobody hates that he's still alive more than me.

But if we don't do it we're at a complete standstill.

All you'd have to do is locate him, power up Penny's tattoos, and we'll take it from there.

You can also say no.

[TENSE MUSIC]

I'm not going to send you there alone.

Great.

All right, I'll get the stuff for the locater.

There's no need.

I can feel him with my mind.

- You guys ready?

- Wait, what are you This is the place.

He's nearby.

I have to say, this is pretty disappointing.

Yeah.

We were all kind of hoping to find Reynard showering in a Russian prison.

Oh, sh*t.

Roxanne Gay, Bell hooks, feminist lit?

What, are you saving these for a r*pist book burning party?

I've changed.

Living amongst the humans has given me a whole new perspective.

You're still a liar and pathetic, but I guess you always were.

Why are you here?

What could I have that you could possibly want?

Let's talk about the Castle at the End of the World.

What's inside?

How do you guys know about that place?

Answer her question.

You're not thinking of going there, are you?

You know there's a reason the gods had the Architect - put it at the end of the world?

- The Architect?

It's not for you little guys to know.

It's funny 'cause from where I stand, you're the little guy now.

[LAUGHS]

You have all my power, and look at you.

Trying to handle something you cannot handle.

You should have kept your mouth shut and stayed in your place.

You've gotten yourself into some real trouble now.

You think it's easy being a god?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

You feel that?

Your tiny spark has grown bigger in me than it could have ever in you.

You want the truth about the Castle?

The Castle's where the gods put the stuff they made before us.

The stuff that didn't work out.

Mistakes that never should have happened.

Kinda like you.

I hope you do go.

Open that door, see what happens!

[TEA KETTLE SHRILLS]

No!

Recognize it?

Yeah.

I made it to k*ll him.

How did you get this?

Did Our Lady give it to you?

[EXHALES]

Of course not.

My mother left me here to rot.

My stepfather Hades was the only one that took pity on me.

He slipped me that g*n to sh**t myself in case of emergency.

I'm still a god.

Limp or not, we're hard to k*ll.

What are you willing to bet this god k*lling b*llet will work on the monster in the Castle?

The fate of the world?

That's good enough for me.

Whoa, that's it?

You're just going to leave him there?

After what he did to the both of you?

sh**t him.

Kady, you wanted this.

I wanted him to be punished for what he did.

And he is.

Leave him here.

I am here to deliver the official election results.

Eliot has lost.

Shocker.

Uh, Tick has also lost.

Um, what?

Our new High King is Margo.

But I wa I wasn't even on the ballot.

- You won as a write in.

- Who wrote me in?

The talking animals.

It seems you were the only human on the campaign trail who stopped to listen to their concerns.

You mean that drunk bear?

Humbledrum is a highly respected member of the community.

You see, there are certain taboo subjects you broached with him.

Bestiality?

The talking animals believe that if they were allowed to inter-marry with humans, then humans will finally see them as equals.

None of us were brave enough to speak out in support of the cause, until you.

You really love that sloth, don't you?

So the human vote basically means nothing in Fillory.

Considering there's never been an election or census before, we had no idea there were only 50,000 humans in Fillory, and upwards of a million talking animals.

So yes.

On behalf of Abigail, let me be the first to swear loyalty to the new administration.

El I'm so sorry.

And allow me to be the second.

High King Margo.

Long may you reign.

[EXHALES]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Hey, Tick.

I intend to choose Death by a Thousand Pokes.

They say you only feel the first hundred or so.

Tick, we're not going to execute you.

If you proved anything during your campaign, it's that Fillory needs a policy wonk like you.

You're still bitch listed, but King Margo would like you in her cabinet.

[INHALES]

With a full 24-hour security detail watching everything you do.

We don't trust you, but we need you.

[INSPIRING MUSIC]

[EXHALES]

Citizenship for every Fairy, full protection of the law, and a seat in the government.

But we need the Key.

And you shall have it.

Once the last Fairies have been moved to our new home.

I always saw something in you.

Even when you didn't see it in yourself.

Now, perhaps you will.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[EXHALES]

You gave me I can I can see all sorts of things.

It's a Fairy eye.

A gift you will learn to understand in time.

But one you must hide in plain sight.

Could I maybe get some Fairy toes?

Hello?

[SOFT WHINING/WHIRRING]

- It's cranky as sh*t.

- Just take a little - off the top.

- I just collapsed my entire rental.

- Last time, we were - Oh, my God Are we supposed to sing again?

- Holy sh*t, no.

- We've got news!

- Penny, is that you?

- Yeah.

We just got the last Key from the Fairies.

Okay, everyone just shut up!

It's Penny.

All right, look, listen.

I-I don't know how much time we have.

- Kady.

- But I'm going to get you out of the Underworld, no matter what it takes, I promise.

- Kady.

- I love you.

This is Penny 23.

The Key replaced my Penny with you.

Look, I'm really sorry.

This is it.

The end of the story.

Floodgates of magic, ready to be opened.

Q?

What's up, what's wrong?

The quest is supposed to change us.

I've sacrificed everything that it wanted me to up to this point, and I-I I can't You thought that when you got here, you'd be 150% sure you were doing the right thing.

Now, you're only somewhere around 70%.

Because you're worried about your dad.

Party trick.

I just feel things.

I heard you healed Dean Fogg's eyes.

- Maybe - I could heal your dad?

Right now, he's perfectly healthy.

There's nothing to do.

If magic comes back, a lot of dominoes will fall in ways that we can't predict.

I don't know if I'll be able to help or not.

It's the deal.

Sorry it's vague.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

What if the thing that the quest wants me to be is cold?

Being willing to sacrifice the people I love?

Then the quest f*cked up when it chose Quentin Coldwater.

Maybe.

It's all real.

The Chatwins and Fillory.

I've been there.

I s I sat on a throne in Whitespire, and I I explored the Flying Forest.

And I met Ember and Umber.

I remember reading you those books.

Curly Q if all that's out there - What are you doing here?

- I'm on a quest.

In New Jersey?

I have a problem.

And I don't know what to do.

No matter what choice I make, somebody gets hurt.

Magic's gone.

Isn't it?

I'm not like you.

I'm not a Magician.

But I could feel it when it was gone.

And I knew it wasn't a coincidence when I went into remission a week later.

You're right.

My friends and I were trying to fix it.

- And how's that been going?

- We're getting really close.

So are you here to ask my permission?

To turn it back on?

On this quest I've lived a whole life.

I grew old, and I got married.

And I had a son.

Who grew old.

And what was all that for if it's not for this?

[SOMBER MUSIC]

No, I'm not here to ask for your permission.

I wanted to look you in the eye and tell you that I'm sorry.

I don't know what's going to happen.

But I'm going to do this.

What was his name?

Your son.

I named him after you.

[SOFT EMOTIONAL MUSIC]