02x10 - All Alone

[bunniefuu]

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, boy.

You remember me? Oh, yeah.

Long time no see. Oh, yes.

Well, I've been very busy. Traveling.

You want a slice? Oh, no, thank you.

I was just in the neighborhood, and I thought I would drop in and say hello.

To me. Yes.

Hello. Hello.

Anything else?

No.

Oh, well, as long as I'm here, Miriam... my daughter, remember?

Well, her husband left her, and she's been living with us, and recently I found out that she's...

Aren't you gonna make some tea?

I don't like tea. The tea isn't for you.

It's for me. I drink it, and you read the leaves. Don't need it.

Oh, you use the ball, right. Or cards?

Oh, no, I remember. You like fire.

Just sit there.

Let me look at you.

Okay. What do you want to know?

Um, well, my d-daughter...

Miriam. Why, yes.

You just told me her name. Don't get too impressed.

Yes, uh, well, she's, um, pursuing a career in... comedy, which is bad enough in itself, but there's a very viable man in the picture now, and I am so worried that this... career will be the downfall of this relationship.

Tell me, what do you see?

Hmm.

I see a perky brunette with a signature hairstyle.

Oh, that's her. That's Miriam.

She's standing in front of a big crowd.

A wedding? That's a wedding.

She's the object of deep adoration.

That's Benjamin. He'll adore her.

H-He'll be weirdly subtle about it and do it in a slightly robotic way, but...

I see her talking.

Speaking very quickly into a microphone.

That's her speech. She gave a speech at her first wedding, and she's doing it again. Oh, I'm so...

Does she mention shrimp?

What? Never mind. Who cares?

She's getting married. Oh, I'm so glad I just happened to be strolling by here with no intention of coming in at all, and then I did. Oh, here.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. I'll see you next week.

There's gonna be a wedding.

I don't know why you'd wear a black cocktail dress to a wedding, but... whatever.

What time is it? Early. 9:00, 10:00.

12:30. I should go. Really? You bored?

I'm supposed to be in my dorm room by midnight.

This is the third time this week I've missed curfew.

Third time this week I'll have to climb in my window to avoid getting caught. I thought your curfew was 1:00.

You did not. Yeah.

I just like watching you climb in that window.

Hey, we saw them tonight. We saw you tonight.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

Good or bad? Great.

Especially the last number.

Told you we needed that last number.

You're impossible. Impossible and right.

We should go. You know, I'm tired of having to take you home at night.

I can just grab a cab, then. Not what I meant.

Horse and buggy? Magic carpet? Don't go back to your dorm.

Where am I supposed to go? My dorm.

Oh, now, Mr. Maisel, you know good girls don't stay out all night with their gentlemen callers.

I mean, what would the neighbors think?

That you're a dime-store floozy?

Dime-store? In these shoes?

Well, if you won't let me sully your reputation, then I guess I'll just have to make an honest woman out of you.

What's this? A Cadillac.

Well, then, I'm definitely gonna have to learn to drive.

You like it? I love it.

I just didn't think this would happen so fast.

Oh, but you knew this would happen?

Well, yeah. I mean, come on.

Hey, what did my father say when you asked him?

Oh, sh*t. I was supposed to do that?

Joel. Forget him.

What do you say? Yes? Great.

I say I need to think about it.

What? No. There's the ring. Let's go.

It's just so sudden. You knew this was gonna happen.

I knew this was gonna happen.

Well, then, you know your answer.

Uh... If you don't say yes right now, I'm gonna walk out in the middle of the street and wait for a bus to run me over.

Pay the bill first?

Okay.

Here I go.

That man is crazy.

Yeah, he certainly is.

Get out of the road, assh*le.

Come on!

Say yes. -No. -MAN: Move!

Move, you idiot! Not moving.

I'm concerned our children might come out clinically insane.

Very good chance. Say yes.

Maybe.

Get the f*ck out of the road, pal.

Come on, I got to get home.

Oh, no. Not fair.

f*ck fair! Come on.

My favorite show.

He took me three times.

I'm going for broke, Miriam Weissman.

You have to say yes first.

Fine. Yes.

Yes!

You have to put the ring on.

Exhausting. Put it on.

Come on, move it, buddy.

Now, this next part's gonna go very badly.

Mark Greenwald is the president of the bank and an old family friend in case you want to give him a call.

Right here, these are last year's financials, tax returns, bank statements.

As you can see, I can clearly provide for her.

Anything she needs, anything the children need, they will be very comfortable.

So you want to marry my daughter.

With your permission, yes, I do.

And you've spent time with Miriam. I have.

So you understand Miriam. I do.

Could you explain her to me?

That was a joke, Benjamin. Right, sorry.

Humor is very important in our house, Benjamin.

Of course. If you are going to marry Miriam, you will have to learn that. I understand.

Because to Miriam, almost everything in the world is a joke. I had to stop watching the news with her.

Guggenheim, the name of the museum, caused 20 minutes of uncontrolled giggling. -

Why? Who knows. That's just Miriam.

I will learn to laugh, sir.

You're going to need a lot of closet space.

I have seen the hats. There will be a lot of activity.

Things will shift quickly.

Your reality, your vacation plans.

And God knows what those children will be like when they grow up. I cannot vouch for them.

I will not hold you responsible.

It's awfully quick, your courtship.

Anything I should know that will certainly k*ll her mother?

No. I've just waited a long time to find the right person, and now I have. That's all.

Well, if this is truly your intention, in addition to the bank records, I will need 25 character references.

Are you going to write this down?

There's a list. I'll need to know the names and birth dates of your family, how religious you are, what your hobbies are, what percentage of time you spend on such hobbies, are you a dog or a cat man... very important... your favorite authors.

You see, Benjamin, after the Joel fiasco, I am taking this decision very, very seriously.

You have somewhere else to be?

No. Well, surgery.

But never mind. Go on.

I'll need to know all political affiliations, favorite baseball team, favorite radio shows...

Mr. Weissman, could you excuse me a minute?

I need to use the bathroom.

Oh. That's something you do?

Yes.

All right. If you must.

Oh.

What was that for? I just needed to make sure you're worth all this. I am.

God, this is much harder than I thought it was gonna be.

My father's a complicated man. But once this is over, you guys are going to be very close.

It will never be over. It will be.

Four patients have already d*ed this morning.

A small price to pay. I thought we were making progress when we stumbled onto the Big Bang theory.

How do you stumble onto the Big Bang theory?

And then he asked if I snack in between meals.

You said no, right? I said it depends.

Oh, dear. It does. It's snacking.

There's no plan. That's what makes it snacking.

Okay, relax. You're doing fine. And get back in there.

If he thinks you're taking too long in the bathroom, there will be a very thorough physical in your future. Bye.

Is this how you look in the morning?

Yes, it is.

I'll never make it to work on time again.

I'm back. -ABE: That was quick. Good for you.

Get these downstairs to accounting now or no one gets paid. What?!

Everyone's getting paid! It's an expression.

Get back to work. Mr. Maisel, phone.

The Dutch fabric shipment's gone missing.

How does a truckload of fabric go missing?

Joel, are we on for tonight? I have the kids tonight.

I love kids. Great. Go have some.

Never mind, they found it. Where?

Times Square. The driver had an audition.

Get the shipment, fire the driver. In that order.

Okay, see, when I gave you that giant amount of money to go away, I expected you to go away. I don't have time right now, Pop.

I fired you, and you responded by bringing your children here.

Is that hostile or adorable? I just can't tell.

I'll go. I'm going. I just have to figure out where.

In the meantime, Mrs. Moskowitz, when is the Joseph Miller meeting again?

4:45. 4:45?

That's what he said, 4:45.

Hey, what are you drawing there, Ethan?

Mommy's friend. Bathroom!

Mr. Maisel, I am not cleaning that bathroom again.

I got it, Mrs. Moskowitz.

He's like a sprung garden hose, that child.

Mommy's got a friend. f*ck you.

Aha, baby's first swear word.

Definitely not her first.

What is your life, anyhow?

Ethan!

Remember, pal, you have to look where you're aiming when you use the urinal. Why?

Because if you keep hitting the floor and the counter and the ceiling, no girl's ever gonna marry you, and Mrs. Moskowitz is gonna leave your daddy, so we'll both be alone.

Hey. So, Mommy has a new friend, huh?

Yeah. And you met him?

Yeah. Where?

At the park.

I thought you had to go to the bathroom.

Not fun now!

This one? Second wedding.

This one? Second wedding.

This one. Miriam, please.

You can't wear white. It's a second wedding.

You can wear champagne. I don't want to wear champagne.

It's not a color. It's what happens when white gets sad.

Well, I'm sorry. Second weddings are subtle, dignified.

No big halls or lavish dinners.

Second weddings mean 40 guests and a luncheon at home with scrambled eggs.

Wow. What's the third wedding mean?

Third wedding means I'm dead.

Can I wear white? Keep looking, please.

There may not even be a wedding at this rate.

Papa still hasn't said yes.

Plus, he said if he does say yes, he's not gonna pay for it. Yes, he will.

He'll pay for a second wedding here at home with scrambled...

Scrambled eggs and a champagne dress.

Oh, now cheer up. You can still give a toast.

I know you have your heart set on giving a toast.

How do you know that? Ladies.

Papa. Hi!

There's a sandwich for you in the refrigerator, Abe.

Papa? Hey, Papa?

Papa? Papa?

Miriam, do you get paid by the "Papa"?

No.

So, Papa... Pickles.

I was just wondering if you've thought any more about your talk with Benjamin?

No. No? Just no?

No. Yes, no.

Well, you know from experience, the sooner you book a hall, the better deal you get.

No hall! Second wedding!

I do not have an answer yet.

Well, is there anything you want to talk about with me?

No. Anything I can tell you?

No. Wait. Yes. Great. What?

Do you ever call him Ben?

No. Benny?

No. Dr. Ben?

No. Okay.

Thank you for that information.

Papa? Papa...

For a woman who wants to make her fortune on the stage, you have an extremely limited vocabulary.

Why won't you give your permission?

I didn't say I wouldn't give my permission.

I just said I haven't decided yet.

Well, what's taking you so long?

I have to run his numbers again.

I don't think his figures add up.

It's not fair to make him wait.

Well, if he doesn't like it, he can go ahead and marry you without my permission.

Joel did. That turned out great.

Forget it.

When I've decided, you'll know.

Fine. I'll send up a flare.

Super.

Miriam, wait.

I need to ask you something.

What did you say in Washington?

What did I say about what?

In your club date... what did you say about... about me?

Papa, I swear, that night in the Catskills was a total and complete anomaly.

So you didn't talk about me at all? I did not.

Cross my heart and swear to God on the life of my kids.

Oh, wait. You did talk about me.

Just a little. What did you say?

It's very important that I know. I said, "Is Senator Kennedy running for president?

"It's up to Jackie. You know she wears the pants in that family." No, she doesn't.

Well, I haven't gotten to the part about the linen.

What linen? Her pants are linen.

Who cares what fabric they are? No.

The whole point of the bit is she wears linen pants, and they wrinkle while you're ironing them.

You know, you don't seem to be getting any better at this.

Let me start again. Please don't.

Just skip to the part about me.

I said, I found you listening to my four-year-old's record, a song about teaching yourself to wipe your, uh... tushie, after going to the bathroom, and you said you were listening to it, because at work, you're trying to teach a computer to sing.

And what was the punch line?

Now I'm wondering, does my father not know how to go to the bathroom? Okay.

And if that's true, who taught me? I get it.

Because my mother never goes to the bathroom. -That's enough.

I heard my name! No, you didn't.

What else did you say? About Bell Labs?

About the work there? Nothing.

No specifics about what I do?

I don't know what you do. I've never known what you do.

Most of the time, I have no idea what you're talking about.

I have no idea why we're having this conversation right now.

All right.

I believe you.

We haven't finished our Benjamin conversation yet.

Yes, we have. I want an answer.

Okay. No. You're right. Take your time.

What do you think? I think it's a piece of sh*t.

That's the eighth chair you said was a piece of sh*t.

I believe all eight are genuinely a piece of sh*t.

Jackie, we can't throw out every f*cking chair.

Now, just tell me, what can you fix and what can't you fix?

Fix? Repair.

Me? Yeah, you.

Who told you I can fix anything?

I thought you were a carpenter.

Who the f*ck told you that?

Isn't that what you did before you worked here?

No! Oh, wait.

Yes, I did. I am a carpenter.

So can you fix these?

Absolutely.

What?

I just... Never mind.

Gaslight.

Susie Myerson? Yeah?

I'm calling on behalf of Sophie Lennon.

Oh, sh*t. Excuse me?

I, um... I'm bleeding. Uh, could I call you back?

Miss Lennon requests your presence at her house this Friday, 1:00 sharp.

What? Why? She is requesting it.

Friday, 1:00 sharp.

Uh, Friday's not really good for me.

My mistake. She is demanding your presence at her house Friday, 1:00 sharp.

But... 215 East 98th Street.

Eat before you come. Lunch will not be served.

Wait!

That was Sophie Lennon summoning me to her house.

Can you believe that? After what Harry Drake did?

After what she did to Midge? Is she crazy?

You got to go. What do you mean, I got to go?

No way. You f*cked up.

You went off, you made things worse.

Now you got to go eat some sh*t to make things right for Midge.

Midge wouldn't want me to eat sh*t.

Doesn't matter what she wants.

You're the manager. You go to do what's best for your client.

I don't like this side of you, Jackie.

What side? Rational. It's freaking me out.

Look, one thing I know about, even more than carpentry, and this is from personal experience... in life, sometimes you got to eat a whole lot of sh*t.

Piles of it. More sh*t than you can imagine.

If you took a pack of wolves with stomach issues, and locked them in your apartment for a month, and then came home with a spoon, that's the amount of sh*t I'm talking about.

Thank you for the vivid imagery.

Life is basically an all-you-can-eat sh*t show.

You're disgusting. Yup, but I'm right.

Hey, I fixed it. How the f*ck do you like that?

Joel? It's me. Can I come in?

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Ethan, grab your bag.

Your mother's here. Everything okay?

You were supposed to be here at 6:00.

I know. I'm sorry.

They are both fed, but Ethan's decided he wants an additional bedtime meal, so you figure out what the hell that means so I can be prepared next time.

Joel... Bye, pal.

See you in a few days. Joel, what's the matter?

Nothing. -Why are you giving me the brush-off?

I'm not giving you the brush-off.

I have to work, you have to go. Case closed.

Okay, but...

Okay, I'll drop them off on Friday.

Yup. Come on.

I heard about Ethan meeting your new friend at the park.

Oh, Joel... You know, I have friends, too.

Maybe I should introduce them to the kids at the park.

I'm sorry. It was a mistake.

Mama told him we were there. I didn't invite him.

Those are my children, Midge.

I have a right to know who's meeting them.

I agree. I told him that. Oh, you did? When?

When he showed up. I told him that you didn't know about it, and I needed to tell you before I introduced them.

This is bullshit.

I thought we were playing nice. We are.

My kids!

Mine! I should be informed before you hand them over to another man.

I didn't hand them over to another man.

He showed up by accident. It was not intentional.

Don't make this a thing.

It is a thing! It's a big fu...

I have to work. You have to go.

You're being unreasonable.

Oh, am I? Well, you should leave me then.

Oh, wait.

I didn't leave you. You left me!

And then you left me back! Figuratively speaking.

Bye. Bye!

We used a urinal.

She's got a friend, a f*cking... friend! I hate friends.

Kids have all sorts of friends.

"Come meet my kids. We're in the park."

Three kids. It's a lot of friends.

They're my kids, assh*le.

My kids!

Your two kids. I've got three.

Three kids, same income!

"It was an accident."

Accident, my ass.

Accidents happen all the time, especially after four Rob Roys, hence... three kids!

You know what? I'm done.

Me, too. I don't care what Imogene's mother says.

I know I f*cked up, okay?

I f*cked up! I get it!

And I've been paying for it for a year.

No more.

She wants to live her life? Great.

I get to live mine, too.

Well, someone should, 'cause it won't be me.

Three kids!

My mother of all people... she told me to stop waiting around.

Well, here you go, Ma. You win!

Mothers always win.

Three kids!

She's not the only one who gets a dream.

I'm gonna have a dream.

My dream?

A really empty house.

You know, when I was a kid, there was this place down by the tracks.

A real sh*thole gin joint.

The place barely had a roof, but they got some great musicians to play there. -Yeah?

Louis Armstrong stopped by one night.

Blew the f*cking roof off the place.

The owner, Mario... he let me hang out there.

Threw me a couple of bucks if I ran errands, bought the guys cigarettes, hauled some beer crates out of the cellar.

I loved that place.

Maybe it wasn't the comedy.

What do you mean?

Clearly, I'm not funny, but maybe it was the club life, the club scene, maybe that's what I loved.

I have to say, I always thought you were funny.

Archie. You always make me laugh.

Your impression of your Uncle Moe slays me.

I'm talking professional funny.

Midge funny.

Oh. Well, yeah, you're definitely not that.

I think I'm gonna do it.

I think I'm gonna open a club.

I guess now we have to pick up all those balls?

Yup.

Probably should have thought about that before we started.

So many things we should have thought about before we started.

Charles, I'd like to talk to you in the secure room... now.

I'm very busy, Abe, so we'll need to make this brief.

I talked to my daughter Miriam about your concerns, and I can assure you...

Abe, you remember Martin Cummings.

He's with our Government Liaison Department.

Hello, Abe. Yes, hello, Martin.

But, Charles, we don't need...

Abe, you remember Bob Jackson, head of our in-house counsel.

Yes. Hello, Bob.

But, Charles, what I want to say doesn't require...

And, of course, Devlin Mclaine, obviously.

He's here as a witness.

They must have buzzed the wrong room.

We're done.

Okay. As I was saying, I talked to Miriam, and she told me...

She did not say anything about any project we are working on here.

She made a joke about the record I was playing at home, and that is all.

She's a comedian.

They humiliate their families onstage.

That's their job.

So, no harm was done.

Okay?

We don't see it that way, Abe.

Clearly, she knew you were working on something.

I'm always working on something. At the very least, you were extremely... Loose-lipped.

Extremely loose-lipped about the situation.

We don't like loose lips. They sink ships.

I've heard the phrase.

Why were you even listening to this album at home?

Don't you have access to a bunker or a b*mb shelter of some sort?

You can't be serious.

You played the album in front of your daughter.

You then confirmed to her that you were indeed working on a Bell Labs government project.

That alone puts you in breach of contract.

So, not only are you a security risk, your daughter is one as well.

She might want to retain a lawyer.

A good one. She's a comedian.

And a girl.

What kind of risk could she possibly be?

If I told you that, then I would be a security risk.

And if I listen to that, then I would be a security risk.

You came to me, remember?

You came to Columbia and-and begged me to come here and give you my expertise.

And I did.

And now you treat me like a criminal?

Well, I can take that expertise back as fast as I gave it.

Think about that.

You signed away your intellectual property when you signed your contract.

We own your expertise.

You can't own my expertise!

It's mine!

I think you should leave now.

When I was a young man, I marched against people like you.

People in coats with tags and secret bunkers.

I was gonna fight you, bring you down, make the world a better place.

I don't know how I got so far off that track, but you better believe I am going to start retracing my steps right now.

And if you ever thr*aten my daughter again, I will punch you right in the nose.

It won't hurt. I'm not strong.

But, at the very least, you will be embarrassed that you got punched in the nose by a not-strong mathematician.

You really want to mess with me?

Go ahead.

Take your best sh*t.

And then you will find out what Abe Weissman is truly made of.

You're going to have to buzz me out.

It's a girl! It's a girl.

Oh! Can I hug you?

I just had a sh*t.

Congratulations.

Millie. We called her Millie.

Aw. -Millicent, after Archie's someone or other.

But Millicent, ugh. So, Millie!

Millie is beautiful.

What's he doing there?

He was so nervous that Joel took him to a bar to relax him and brought him back like that.

He fell and got two stitches in his head.

He just doesn't know it yet.

With Esther, Joel broke an arm.

Men are really terrible at this.

You want to see her?

Well, I certainly didn't come here to see you.

Oh, Imogene, she's perfect. Isn't she?

Boy or girl? Girl.

Girl? Really?

You knew that, Archie.

Can I hold her? Well, someone should.

Hello, Millie.

Millie? Really?

You named her, Archie.

I'm Miriam.

You can call me Midge.

We're gonna be great friends.

Hey, don't I have an Aunt Millicent?

Go get some coffee, Archie.

See, now, if for some reason things don't work out with Ethan and Estelle, then he can marry Millie.

Her first hand-me-down.

Hey, what happened to my head?

Oh, Midge, you have got to have another baby.

We always have them together. I know.

Don't you want another one?

Well, I have two pretty good ones right now.

I know. But when they're new...

Fresh out of the drawer...

There's nothing like it.

Do I have stitches?

Archie, coffee.

Okay.

So... tell me where you stand.

What do you mean? Benjamin.

Is he in or out? Because, on paper, he seems perfect.

Off paper, too.

If you hurry and get married, we can still take our stroller walks in the park together.

Oh, I love those walks.

One more peek.

Hi, Midge.

I'm getting, uh... uh...

Huh.

That's your daddy.

No, but my wife is great.

But, get this, she's jealous of our toilet, because I spend more time on it than I do on her.

She says I should be more attentive in bed.

Now, I'm in bed. I'm not fast asleep.

I'd say that's pretty damn attentive.

Of course, it doesn't help much that I'm going bald on top.

But I got hair growing out of the tops of my toes.

You want a drink? I'm good.

This guy's nothing. You can b*at him.

It's not a competition.

Well, yeah, it kind of is.

You gonna do the shopping bit?

It's not ready yet.

I thought it went good the other night.

It's not ready.

Okay.

Here's the thing, a penis is...

You have a thread... I got it.

You're up next. Finally.

Now, you're not gonna go after any of my guys tonight, right?

You're gonna be a good girl? "Good girl"?

What are you, her kindergarten teacher?

Hey, I wasn't talking to you.

I'm her manager and I get ten percent precisely to tell you she can do whatever the f*ck she wants.

I'm not gonna go after any of your guys. I promise.

Okay. Let's go.

Thank you. I'm Miles Shapiro.

I'll be at the Trap in Hoboken for a full week in December, so hop on the H&M, come on out, and keep me company!

Good night, everybody!

Next up onto the stage, a pretty lady with a lot to say.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Maisel.

-Hey, wait. We didn't do "Tits up."

Tits up. Tits...

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Mrs. Maisel. It's great to be here at...

Wait, where are we? Oh, right.

In that case, it's just okay to be here.

It's better than traffic.

Or prison. Well, maybe not traffic.

Prison has less angry people screaming.

I almost didn't make it here at all.

My best friend Imogene just had a baby.

A little girl.

She's adorable.

Still has the cute little forceps dent in her head.

And I sat there in that hospital room thinking about all the things this little girl has to look forward to: roller skates, jump rope, cramps, and one day getting pregnant and having her own baby.

And I started really thinking about the whole pregnancy thing.

I mean, okay, you have sex.

Nice.

You get pregnant. Nice.

You let a human being grow inside your stomach for nine months till it's six to 12 pounds large and then you give it an escape route the size of a change purse.

And-and not a normal

"I'm going to the market" sized change purse, with room for cash and a Diners Club card, but a tiny little "I'm going out for the evening, I just need lipstick" change purse.

Who agreed to this?

Who, in the beginning, when it was getting sorted out, negotiated this deal?

Was it Eve?

No. I bet it was Adam.

He hadn't eaten from the Tree of Knowledge yet, so he was just like, "Yeah, that'll fit."

See, the thing I know the most about pregnancy is that there is absolutely... Okay, okay, okay!

Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Maisel!

All right, we're gonna take a short break.

But, uh, a lot more comedy ahead of you, so get ready!

Are you crazy? You can't say that onstage.

Say what, "change purse"?

What the f*ck, Bobby? "Pregnant."

I can't say "pregnant"? Are you kidding?

Nobody wants to hear that word. Well, I know they don't want to hear it in the context of "Guess what, I'm pregnant.

Who gets to tell your wife?" Any context.

It's foul. It's foul?

The guy before her talked about getting d*ck fungus.

That was funny. This is female stuff.

It's private. It's real.

It's life. Literally.

She can talk about whatever she wants to.

It's her act. Nope. Here she tells jokes.

You want to talk about your female parts, you go see the obstrenician... ob... whatever the f*ck.

Not on my stage!

I hate that guy.

Screw this place. We don't have to play here anymore.

Really? Where else are we gonna go?

Anywhere. Anywhere below Midtown or in another state, as long as it's a sh*thole and has only three people in it, right?

Next thing you know, I'll be reduced to doing two minutes in the ladies' room. I mean, "Why are there mints in here?

"It's not your mouth that needs refreshing.

"Am I right, ladies? I'll be here all week.

Remember to tip your attendant."

We'll find more clubs.

This business sucks.

I hate it.

Hey, that's the game.

You know that.

You just have to keep fighting.

You keep fighting.

I'm gonna get a drink.

Two comics walk into a bar...

And neither one has any money to pay for the drinks.

Ah, sh*t, you've heard it before.

What are you doing in this despicable place?

Sulking.

I was just yanked from the stage mid-set and thrown out of the club.

What did you say? "Pregnant."

Oh, well, then you had it coming.

I wasn't even dirty. That dirty.

I wasn't any dirtier than I usually am, and this assh*le literally pushed me off the stage because I was talking about my best friend having a baby.

Well, you know I like you.

And, normally, I would do everything in my power to make you feel better.

However, tonight, I am feeling very sorry for myself, so all of my sympathy is reserved for me.

What's the matter?

We can now add Chicago to the list of places that have a warrant out for my arrest.

What did you say?

I talked about your friend having a baby.

And the Pope f*cking a three-legged duck.

And interracial dating.

And what does Marilyn Maxwell possibly see in Bob Hope.

That's what they got you for.

The man is a national treasure.

At this rate, the only place I'm gonna be able to work is Wyoming, and who knows what the people of Wyoming will do at the sight of their first Jew.

Hey, drink your drink.

That wasn't my drink.

But it did help.

Thanks.

I'm tired.

I'm getting tired.

Yeah.

I know what you mean.

Sometimes, I think, "Is it worth it?"

And, sometimes, I think, "No."

I'm Sisyphus, without the fabulous hair and the loincloth, pushing that boulder up that hill over and over and over.

Try it in heels.

I'm working to pay all the lawyers.

I'm broke.

I gave up my apartment, sold my car.

Well, I think it was my car. But, either way, it's gone.

Do you need some money?

I could ask my father for a loan.

Thank you. Thank your father, but I am very capable of running out on a bill like a grown-up.

It's going to be okay.

Is it?

Yes.

There is a little silver lining.

Steve Allen gave me a spot on his show.

That's a pretty big silver lining, mister.

He's giving me a chance to prove that I can play nice with the other kids.

Make myself presentable again.

That's great.

Yes.

Yes, it is.

First time I took my son Ethan for a playdate with other kids, he was so nervous that I promised to stand outside the whole time in case he wanted to leave.

He didn't.

It rained.

Want me to come stand outside your playdate?

You are lovely.

Yes, a little moral support never hurts.

Okay.

I want you to know that I am feeling...

...a little emasculated right now.

I don't really mind it, actually.

Sunday night. 8:00.

Bring an umbrella.

"Eat sh*t." You eat sh*t.

I'm kidnapped, my client's f*cked over, but I'm the one that has to eat sh*t?

Okay, screw it.

Miss Myerson? Yeah.

May I see some form of identification?

Won't you come in?

Thanks.

Wow, cramped.

Miss Susie Myerson.

Jesus Christ.

Come closer.

Close enough.

Two steps back.

So...

Okay, look, I came here to eat sh*t so just let me eat it.

I thought my secretary told you to eat before you came.

The other night in my dressing room you said some dreadful things.

There were threats of v*olence.

Against me, against my costume.

I know, I'm sorry about that.

You blocked my steam; no one has ever blocked my steam before.

I was out of line, okay?

But you have to understand, I was protecting my client.

Out! Okay.

Not you.

Did you know that I went to the Yale School of Drama?

That's where I met Kazan. f*cked him, too.

I fancied myself Medea, Phaedra, Nora, Hedda Gabler, Maggie the Cat...

Richard III?

But fate had something different in store for me.

Sophie from Queens.

You know I've never been to Queens?

I've driven through, I've performed there, but I've never actually been.

Tell me, is that really how they talk?

Well, they don't discuss putting things on plates as much as you think.

Harry Drake, he knew I wanted to be a serious actress when he signed me, but he didn't care.

He didn't care about Sophie from Ann Arbor.

He only cared about Sophie from Queens.

And I thought, "All right, so become a star, Sophie.

Then you can do whatever you want."

And now I am a star.

And I still slap on a fat suit night after night because my people don't think the audience will come see me in A Streetcar Named Desire.

Oh, they're wrong; I'd pay anything to see you carted off to an asylum.

My people say, "Stay where you are or you'll lose everything."

They don't believe in me.

I want someone to believe in me.

To fight for me, to thr*aten v*olence for me the way you threatened v*olence for her.

Well, Harry Drake did send two guys to k*ll me.

And yet here you are.

Look, Sophie, Miriam and I are just different, okay?

We have kind of a special thing going on, a connection.

And I want a special thing as well.

I want someone to have passion for me.

Drive, vision, fearlessness.

I want you.

To what?

I want you to be my manager.

Do not concern yourself with returning the coat.

Miss Lennon's worn it twice. Good-bye.

What the f*ck?!

Second wedding, my ass.

Hello?

I've heard absolutely nothing from your father and I'm going insane.

Then you'll fit right into our family.

What could possibly be the holdup?

I'm a doctor. Do you know what kind of parking spaces you get when you're a doctor? Spectacular.

That was the clincher for me.

I wonder if I blew it with my reading list.

Why? I padded it a little.

A lot. I padded it a lot.

It doesn't matter. What if there's a quiz?

There won't be a quiz. We had fun, didn't we?

Hey, relax. You have surgery today.

Go have a martini. Or you're in a hospital, take a Seconal.

Someday I'll need to explain to you what surgery actually entails.

Paging Dr. Ettenberg. Maybe I should call him again.

Is that too desperate? Do you have to go?

No. Why?

Aren't you Dr. Ettenberg? Yeah, so?

Oh, God, I have to go. I told you, insane.

I'll call you later. It's all going to be fine.

I promise you.

Hello?

May I speak to Mrs. Maisel?

Who's calling?

Shy Baldwin here.

We met the other night, remember?

Remember? Well... Shy Baldwin?

Shy... Mama!

My mother would love to talk to... Mama, seriously!

Oh, sh*t, I forgot. Hairdresser.

Hairdresser's very important.

She will never forgive me if she misses this.

She will k*ll me. Brutally.

And then it might be linked to you in the press and I'd feel terrible about that. Please wait till she gets back. Can I get you some coffee?

Absolutely, cream and sugar.

You're not here. And you should be a singer with that kind of breath control.

I'm sorry.

I'm just a really big... Why are you calling?

Because I saw you on that telethon and I thought you were sensational.

And as I was sitting there having my nightcap, I said to myself, "Why isn't that girl a star?"

And then I said to myself, "Well, you know what, Shy, you can help with this situation."

So I am.

How would you like to open for me on tour?

What?

It'll be six months.

Three in the States, three in Europe.

You'll do 30 minutes and a couple of bits with me.

We leave in two weeks and you'll need a lot of new fancy clothes, which I will pay for.

There it is. That's the purpose of my phone call.

So, what do you... Yes.

Are you sure you don't need...

No. Yes.

Oh, my God. Yes.

Then we have a deal, little miss mouthy.

I'll get in touch with your people to work out the details.

We're gonna have a hell of a time.

Talk to you soon.

Oh!

I have news.

God, give me a f*cking heart att*ck.

Wait, the heart att*ck's coming. We need a drink.

I need a defibrillator.

You ready? Sure.

You are gonna have to give me a better "sure" than that.

Sure! Ew, go back.

Just f*cking say it.

We are going on tour with Shy Baldwin.

What?

He saw me at the telethon in my sh*t spot and he loved me and he wants me to open for him for six months.

Huh? How's that story gonna play on Jack Paar?

You're sure it was Shy Baldwin? Yup.

And you're sure he asked you to tour, like flat-out asked you?

I want a pink dressing room.

Can you put that in my contract?

You're gonna open for Shy Baldwin.

f*ck Midtown, we're going to Europe.

I'm gonna need a passport.

And some decent underwear.

I can't believe it.

You know what I'd love to do?

Buy Sophie Lennon some flowers.

Sophie Lennon?

If she hadn't bumped me, I never would've gone on at midnight and Shy never would have seen me and I wouldn't be assembling a fabulous traveling outfit in my head right now.

I see a blue hat with feathers.

Let's just focus on the tour.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Get ready for some ice cream, bitch.

I should get his people on the phone.

Start talking salary; I don't want him thinking just 'cause you're new, you're cheap.

I am totally new and completely cheap.

Hey, hey.

We did it. You and me.

Miriam, I should tell you something.

You love me. No.

I am amazing.

Can you please stop talking about yourself?

That's our bread and butter now, sister.

I just need to tell you...

My underwear's fine, so shut up.

We're going shopping.

Right now.

I have dresses to buy and hats to buy and shoes to buy and purses to buy.

Should we maybe make some money before we go broke and have to blow job our way across Europe?

Hello? It's me. Who's here?

Miriam. I need to talk to you.

Can you do it on the move?

I'm late. Of course you're late.

You're always late.

You ever wondered to yourself, "Why am I always late?" No.

Perhaps if you had a watch for every outfit.

You needed to talk to me, Papa? Yes, I've made a decision.

About what?

What do you mean, "about what?"

How many decisions concerning you am I making these days?

I don't know. Six?

No. Eight?

No. 35?

I made a decision concerning you and Benjamin.

I know it took longer than you had desired, but I had a devil of a time getting my hands on his vaccination records.

I'm happy to say his references checked out, his financials are sufficient, he can swim, he's up-to-date on his mortgage payments, his tax returns are in order, and his patients have an 86% survival rate.

I will admit his reading list gave me pause.

Panaslotsky is not a real author and I was briefly offended that he thought I could be duped.

However, after much deliberation, Miriam, I have decided to give Benjamin permission to ask for your hand.

You may get married. Again.

What? What?

sh*t.

Hello? Anyone here?

Not a word. I'm coming, Rose. But Papa...

I have been waiting here all day to tell your mother some things that may well make her take to her bed, and I won't get a chance to tell her those things if she's already taken to her bed. But...

Me first!

David Begelman says hello; I ran into him at the shoe repair.

He's aging very poorly. That's great.

Why don't we go into my study for a minute?

Okay.

Just take a seat, please.

Um, where?

Oh, uh... Mama?

Uh... Papa?

I'm late, I'm heading out!

Abe, please, what do you want to talk about?

Rose...

You know that things have been a little unsettled for me lately.

I know. They'll get better.

Yes, well, I went to Bell Labs and talked to Charles.

I was incredibly reasonable. Oh, dear.

Is he hurt? No, Charles is fine.

We just talked.

But something happened to me during that talk.

I started to think about my life.

Who I used to be, who I've become.

The choices I've made, the way I've raised my children.

I think I need to reevaluate some things.

What things?

It's not going to work out with Bell Labs, Rose.

That is not a place for me anymore.

Well, fine, you'll just focus on the university.

And I'm going to leave Columbia.

What?

I don't want to teach there anymore.

But-but you're a tenured professor.

I know. And they want to put me on the shelf.

Take a sabbatical. A paid sabbatical.

I don't want their money if I'm not earning it.

Of course you do. I'm going to give it up.

All of it.

The job, the tenure... You've lost your mind.

No, I haven't.

You're leaving Columbia?

I don't want to spend my life just drifting along.

I used to have purpose. I want it back.

You're giving up your tenure? Yes.

Colombia owns our apartment, Abe.

Yes... they do.

So, what do we do?

Move in with Miriam and Benjamin?

You'd really better sit down.

So I'll tell you how we're gonna fix the problem. We've decided that once a month, we will book a comedian who will offend everyone.

Fair enough? All right.

He knows I'm coming. Doesn't matter.

He knows I'm coming. You're not on the list.

He knows I'm coming. He didn't leave a name.

He knows I'm coming. Lenny.

It's all right, Perry. She's my mother.

You didn't leave my name. Perry's having a heart att*ck.

I'm very sorry, Perry. It won't happen again.

People's names are supposed to be on the list.

That's how it works.

There goes the next president of the United States.

Never mind him. Let me look at you.

Good suit. Nice tie. Hair's fine.

Get ready for your intro. Only he goes onstage.

Hmm, Perry knows me better than I thought.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, here is a very shocking comedian, the most shocking comedian of our time.

A young man who is skyrocketing to fame, Lenny Bruce.

Tits up. Thanks.

You'll explain that when I get back? Yes, I will.

Will Elizabeth Taylor become bar mitzvahed?

Yeah, I promise continuity.

I'll do all the lines that we rehearsed.

And actually, I do have and always will be accused of banter.

Ha! Yeah.

But there is another side to my nature... uh, the aesthetic side.

A Clyde Beatty. Ha!

And I'm going to, uh...

Oh, did you dig that?

Yeah. Oh, I'm so happy.

And I'm going to write a musical, uh, with Steve Allen.

And it's sort of a nice kind of thing.

And it's about a couple, and if you've been married, you know, or are now, you know the scene that happens.

You have a million beefs with your old lady, and you break up, then you go back together again.

But this couple in the play, they're a little eccentric, and they've broken up and gone back about 55 times in seven years.

But they keep going back for the kids' sake.

So, finally, they go to a marriage counselor, it opens up, and they're together, and they're happy without one argument.

But the kids are complete nuts

'cause they were so adjusted to that scene... you know, breaking up and going back together... that it's been too much for them.

So they decide, for the kids' sake, to break up.

And in the scene, Steve, like, you know, he's my friend, and we're hanging out together, and, uh, he's got the first line.

All right. Hey, Lenny, where's your old lady?

Oh, we had a beef, man. We broke up. -Oh, that's too bad.

But don't worry, you'll get back together.

No, that's it, you know?

You have a million fights, and finally you decide that's the one. You've had it, you know?

And I finally got the guts, and I got rid of her.

I don't believe it, man, but I finally did it.

I finally got rid of her. How'd you do that?

She left me.

But it's better off, man.

You're better off alone.

I'm really gonna swing.

I'm gonna fix up my own pad.

That's it. I can really fix up a pad.

I'm gonna really get some of that shiny black furniture.

And I'll get a bullfight poster.

And I'll get a coffee table, and I'll make a door out of it.

And I'll just really swing, and it'll just be nice.

And I'll get a satin smoking jacket and a pearl white phone, and I'll sit back and relax, and finally I'll be all alone, man.

That's the best way to make it. All alone.

All alone.

Sorry to keep you waiting, Abe.

No problem. I just got here.

My father says hello. How is Robert?

Angry. Hostile. The same.

Give him my best.

We-we should all have a meal one of these days.

We could regale you with tales of two angry young men who thought they knew everything.

My father still does.

He was a great speaker.

And he made great signs.

So, what can I do for you, Abe?

Well, there are things happening in my life that I believe I'm going to need a really good lawyer for.

You know the kind of law I practice, right?

I'm spoiling for a really good fight.

Well, then you've come to the right man.

Coffee. Speak.

Sometimes I wish that she were dead.

But it'd probably take her two hours to get ready.

When she's old, then she's gonna be sorry.

That's it. Like, she's young and swinging now, and she can get a lot of guys, but when she's old...

I can see, about 20 years from now.

"Oh, how you doing, Annie?

"Yeah, haven't seen you in a long time.

"You look pretty good, baby. You still washing your hair

"with Dutch cleanser, I see.

"Yeah. Yeah, you look pretty good.

"You gained a few pounds. What happened to your neck?

"Yeah. I heard you got married a few times.

"Uh, me? No, I, uh, I've always stayed single.

"I've-I've been investing in property.

"I picked up a little place in Mexico.

"Maybe you've heard of it. It's called Acapulco.

"Where are you living?

"A furnished room? Oh, that's nice.

"Yeah, you cook on the radiator, the paper drapes.

"Sit in the lobby, watch television and all that, yeah.

"That's cool, yeah.

"You have the Diners Club, you sign for it.

You go first class in those joints, I know that, yeah."

That's it.

Her future spells a murky gloom.

I'll be rich and famous, and she'll be living in a furnished room.

But it's gonna be too late.

I won't hear her moan.

I'll be living in my Nob Hill mansion, rich... and all alone.

Midge?

I'm gonna open for Shy Baldwin.

What?

Midge, that's...

He wants me to go on tour with him.

He says I'll be gone six months.

And I said yes.

Just like that.

Didn't even think about it.

Didn't think about anything or anyone.

Just yes.

And I understand now.

Everything's different.

I can't go back to Jell-O molds.

There won't be three before 30 for me.

I just made a choice.

Midge... I am gonna be all alone for the rest of my life.

That's what I just decided in a five-minute phone call.

Amazing, isn't it?

You don't know that. You don't...

I'm gonna leave really soon.

Barely enough time to get packed.

Especially the way that I travel.

And I don't want to be alone.

Not tonight.

Tonight... just for tonight...

I really need to be with someone who loves me.