01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

- Sally.

- David.

Will you marry me?

(SOBBING)

Please say yes.

You're not gonna meet anyone else.

Last night was amazing.

It's just I'm with someone.

- Are you in love with her?

- SALLY: It's a him.

(CRASHING)

- You've got glitter on your face.

- Hmm?

Oh.

My landlady is a complete bitch and she's thrown me out.

I just need somewhere to kind of just sleep for one night.

I don't know if you've got, like, some garden space - or a shed or something.

- (CLOTHES RIPPING)

I'm just not attracted to you anymore.

- Oh?

Since when?

- Maybe the last - seven years.

- (SOBBING)

(HAMMERING)

(HAMMERING)

(GRINDING)

(DRILL WHINING)

(EMMA LAUGHS)

- Happy birthday!

- Oh, my God.

- What's happened?

- I just changed the whole room.

- I love it.

- Just to, sort of, get our standpoint, you know, like, get David out.

That sort of toxicity.

What's that?

- EMMA: Me.

- SALLY: Yeah.

Yeah, it's a teddy.

- SALLY: Is it?

- EMMA: Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Jesus, what ?

This is all scratched.

- Um, yeah.

- SALLY: It's my grandma's table.

Oh, my gosh, really?

That's amazing!

Yeah, it's shabby chic.

- It's like someone scratched it with a key.

- It's a compass.

- Is it?

- Yeah.

- Oh, good.

- Yeah.

- That was the quickest thing, actually.

- I bet she'd love it.

EMMA: Is she around?

I mean, could she come and ?

No, she's dead.

- She d*ed.

- Okay.

Right, uh How old is she?

Don't know.

I've only got 15 candles.

- She's older than 15.

- Right.

It's cake o'clock.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

I got you Sally's card for you to sign.

Oh, I've actually made my own card, so thanks, though.

MICK: What is it, a bit of stuck on pasta?

No, it's, uh, photographs of 1950s bingo holes, which she really likes.

- Sounds brilliant.

- ELEANOR: Well, I look forward to my card then, if that's what we're doing now.

- When's your birthday, Nigel?

- Uh, twenty-fifth of June.

- So your star sign is ?

- Cancer.

Ah.

- Sorry.

- No, it's fine.

I suppose the thing about cancer is - it's likely to come back, isn't it?

- No, not necessarily.

Having the colostomy is the best thing I ever did.

I never liked going to the toilet, you know?

(GRUNTS)

Big ones.

I found it took up so much time.

Don't you find that?

No, I'm straight in and out.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

Fast and furious.

Yeah.

That's the way I like it.

I only go once a fortnight, so I like to take my time with it.

You know, go in with a newspaper, - nice latte, sticky bun.

- Hmm.

(WHISPERING): I know Sally does big stinky ones because she sometimes leaves them in my disabled toilet.

(WHIPSERS): Right.

- He's got celiac.

- Oh, right.

Yeah.

So how long have you known Sally?

I don't remember you at all.

Oh, we met quite recently, actually, yeah, at one of my gigs.

Oh.

Hmm.

Hmm.

- And now you're you're staying here?

- Yeah.

Do you have a gentleman?

No, no.

I'm a lesbian, so Oh.

You okay?

Oh Yes.

Yes.

You've just got one of those faces.

Ah, well - PAT: When is Sally back?

- Soon.

ALAN: That's a very nice cup of tea.

Are you warm enough, actually, in that?

Is that ?

Yeah.

Yeah, I've got really high body heat.

Um, a bit like a dog.

PAT: Hey, Em.

ALAN: Hello, love.

What are you doing here?

- I mean it in a good way.

- Well, you invited us for dinner.

Happy birthday!

Yeah.

Yes, of course.

Sorry.

It's quite rich.

Be careful.

- Are you looking forward to the wedding?

- Mmm.

- Have to get her our outfits.

- Yeah.

What time of year are you thinking?

- Spring or summer or autumn.

- Well Spring.

I haven't really thought I'm kind of - Spring is nice.

- Or maybe not.

I don't know.

Or any of those.

Or winter.

Basically.

PAT: I saw someone the other day that had an owl bring the ring down the aisle.

It was beautiful.

- That's nice.

- PAT: Yes.

It went wrong.

Yes, it went to the wrong person, and, um, the chap that it went to had a phobia, a fear of birds.

And as a result, the owl, uh, att*cked him.

- k*lled him?

- PAT: No, no.

It wouldn't give up the ring.

I really like ferrets.

- Parrots?

- Ferrets.

ALAN: How would the ferret deliver the ring to ?

On his tail?

On his tail?

Hmm.

The tip of his tail.

Push it down.

Very fearsome creatures, ferrets.

Mm.

Quite sexy, though.

So, Sally and I have a bit of an announcement.

Emma, best don't.

- EMMA: Basically - Are you playing golf?

Oh, yes, but, um I'm going to have to have my hip redone, though.

It didn't take.

Chinese surgeon.

We think he missed the socket.

How's church and everything?

It's fine, thank you.

Haven't seen you there lately.

- SALLY: I'd like to be there more.

- I thought you didn't really believe in God.

- I do.

- Sally's always believed in God.

If God is love, then, yeah, I do.

I do.

A bit.

I mean, not (CHUCKLES)

It's weird that people always think he's a guy, right?

- SALLY: Do you want some salad?

- He's probably black for a start.

Honestly, I'm not sure I can eat anymore.

- You don't like it?

- I'm so sorry.

It's quite heavy - for you.

- ALAN: Mm.

I don't think it's heavy.

It's rich.

- So the wedding's not really - Do you want some more salad?

Actually, that's it.

The whole wedding thing isn't really happening.

Is it?

Sorry.

Did I hear you say that the wedding's off?

No.

There's pasta.

- What do you mean?

- Some more wine?

- It's not happening, is it?

- PAT: What do you mean, it's not happening?

It's not that.

It's not that it's not happening.

It's, uh I don't know, but we'll see.

Happy birthday to me.

How can it not be happening?

- I don't understand.

- It might be.

- It's not.

- PAT: Why?

What's - SALLY: I don't know.

- But you've only just told us you're engaged.

- How can it not be happening?

I don't understand.

- I don't know.

I'm What do you mean, you don't know?

- I'm not sure.

- What?

I don't know.

I mean, I'm I think I'm a bit too tired to kind of know whether it's happening.

I just, I don't want to be that black and white about it, I think - Why?

- I don't think it's useful to kind of I'm getting married or I'm not getting married.

- (FARTS)

- Are you sure this, um, this is gluten free?

- Do you want some salad?

- EMMA: I mean, it's not happening, because (ALAN FARTS)

I don't want to say it's happening or it's not happening - It's not happening - Pat: Tell me what's happening.

I want to know.

- I don't need to be - Ten minutes ago, you said you were engaged.

Well, it's not happening because she's gay!

- I mean, I'm not gay.

I'm not sure.

- (ALAN FARTING)

- Pretty gay in the bedroom last night.

- Excuse me.

SALLY: Just a bit on the spectrum.

- It's not a disease.

- PAT: It is a disease.

It is a disease.

It is a disease.

You sound like you've got a disease - because you keep repeating - Stop answering back.

- Well - And excuse me, but can I just say that that pasta was not gluten-free because I can hear, it's going straight through Alan.

- (KNOCKING)

- We're going.

Where are the coats?

- Alan!

- (ALAN FARTING)

ALAN: I'm okay.

It's mostly wind.

- (ALAN FARTING)

- Alan, do that in the car.

We're going.

(GROANING)

(PEACHES' "f*ck THE PAIN AWAY" PLAYING)

(RETCHING)

Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me Callin' me all the time, like Blondie - SALLY: Hey.

- Hey.

Um, what are you cooking?

Crazy salad.

Just to say David wanted to pop over and water the plants.

- Really?

- Mm.

Okay, well, he can, uh pick up his stuff, then.

It's been boxed up.

He can pick it up and go.

Um, I actually said he can stay for brunch.

- Is that okay?

- Sal.

He's got such a toxic energy.

I really don't want him in here.

- I know, I'm sorry.

- It makes me feel sick.

Just looking at photos, I don't know what it would be like to actually - be around him.

- It's just, he still owns the house, - I think, you know - Yeah, so we actually need to sort that out, because you lived with him as a common law wife, so we need to get that back off him.

I don't know if that's a thing, though, - the common law - It is.

SALLY: I think they said that common law wife - isn't a thing anymore.

- No, no.

It's a thing.

It's a thing.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I might just, um I might just pop my sausages onto the grill if that's okay.

You've brought sausages with you?

Do you mind if you don't?

Well, you don't normally mind, Sal.

- Emma, do you mind if David - Yeah, I would find it really tough.

Well, I'm only going to pop them onto the grill.

Can we not just have one sausage-free supper?

SALLY: Thanks, Em.

EMMA: Mm.

SALLY: So I've been thinking about the house.

And what should happen to the house.

What about the house?

Um, just to ask you, really, if it's okay if we have it.

- "Have it"?

- Is that okay?

What do you mean?

I bought it with Mummy's money.

It wasn't a shared purchase, Sal.

- What are you - When you live with someone for ten years, and you have a really, terrible time with them, - one of the things you have to do - (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

- is recompense that person.

- Sal You didn't have a terrible time with me, Sal?

She's been really ill.

She's been so ill since she's been with you.

We have seen someone about her health problems.

We've had some scans done recently.

- Scans?

- And he said it is all to do with her time with you.

- She's had constant thrush.

- I don't remember She's really, really thrush-y now.

- You don't think that, do you?

- She does!

- She hates you!

She hates you.

- She does not - Sally, you don't hate me, do you?

- She hates you, - and she hates your penis.

- It's not You haven't spoken about my ?

I mean, not really.

No.

- I mean, a bit - EMMA: Well, you showed me a photo.

Sal The doctor said it was fine.

He said it was - just below average.

- Yeah, they always say that.

'Cause a lot of guys commit su1c1de if they find out the truth.

- SALLY: I'm really loving the quiche.

- Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

- Did you make the pastry from scratch?

- Mm-hmm.

We could pack yours up to go if you want.

(DISHES CLATTERING)

(WHISPERS): I miss you.

Me too.

But this is so great.

You know, we can just be friends, like we were when we first met.

- (MUTTERS): Oh, no.

- (DAVID CLEARS THROAT)

I've got a video, - for whenever, we could watch.

- (SOFTLY): Okay.

Yep?

(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)

(SIGHS)

(WHISPERS): Sorry.

(TV CONTINUING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

- (CELL PHONE RINGING, BUZZING)

- (WHISPERS): Sorry.

Hello?

Mum?

(SMOOCHING)

What do you mean?

- Sorry, David - Oh, my God!

Sorry, do you mind taking that outside?

When?

Oh, Mum, no.

- Sorry.

David?

- DAVID: Oh!

David, would you mind taking that out DAVID: Oh, Mum!

Oh, Mum.

No!

- (WHISPERING): What the f*ck?

- (WHISPERING): Just hang on.

- We're trying to watch the f*cking film.

- Just hang on.

- What the f*ck is he ?

- Oh!

(PANTS)

Okay.

Yeah, okay.

Dad's dead.

- He's d*ed, Sally.

- Oh, no.

f*ck!

(SOBBING): f*ck!

f*ck!

Should f*ck!

Should I pause it, or ?

- You okay?

- Yeah.

- Poor David.

- Hmm.

You sure it's true?

Of course.

What do you mean?

Well, it's just a bit a bit convenient.

What's convenient?

Well, he comes over, suddenly his dad's d*ed.

It's convenient that his dad d*ed?

Well, I'm just saying he's like, ways of getting your attention.

Sorry, Emma.

I don't think that's a very nice thing to say.

- Well - I'll see you tomorrow.

You okay?

- I'm really grateful, Sal.

- It's okay.

(SIGHS)

Hey, guys.

- Hey.

- How are you doing?

(MUTTERS)

What's going on?

I'm coming to support Sally.

It's really, really stressful.

I'm sorry, my dad's just d*ed.

I know.

It's really stressful for Sally.

Her nose has gotten really red.

When she gets like that, she's stressed - or she's about to have an orgasm.

- We'll be going to my mum's.

I know.

So let's go.

Do Do you want her to go?

Sal?

Please, could you not smoke?

(ENGINE STARTS)

- Is this ?

- (SOBS)

Sorry, is this going to take a long time, this journey?

We've got a bit to go, yeah.

I could really do with a coffee.

I don't think we should stop.

If I see a services, I'll try and stop, okay?

No, Sally, I don't I could do with, like, um, a Gale's or a Poole's.

- Like a really nice coffee.

- We won't Like Cortado, and a brioche or something.

I don't know if I don't know what they've got in the services.

But I'll I'll try.

Well, I don't want a shitty coffee.

Well, I'd really rather we didn't stop.

EMMA: And like some Frazzles or something.

- Okay.

- It's going to be half an hour.

Exactly.

I do think we ought to get there - as quickly as we can.

- Oh, David - Please!

I don't want to be late.

- Are you okay?

- He was fine two weeks ago.

- I know.

- He was fine last weekend.

- Such a shock.

Speaking.

Just makes me feel as if - EMMA: What?

- DAVID: Lost.

- Everything - EMMA: Sorry, you I haven't got my father - EMMA: f*ck.

- DAVID: I've lost you.

I know, I know.

I wish they'd said something earlier.

- EMMA: sh*t!

- We could have done something about it!

EMMA: Aw, sh*t!

Okay.

Okay.

- sh*t.

f*ck, I can't believe that!

- I'm so confused!

- EMMA: I can't believe that!

- Out of the blue and they don't even know - EMMA: f*ck!

How did that happen?

- DAVID: that he was suffering in the first place!

DAVID: It just doesn't make sense to me.

- I know.

- EMMA: f*ck off!

She called - DAVID: It doesn't make sense.

- It cannot happen!

EMMA: f*ck!

- Is everything all right?

- Oh, my God, that is so heavy.

- What is it?

- It's so heavy.

It's just one of my best friends has been run over!

- Oh, my God.

- She just got sort of buffered by this f*cking Benji bus.

They said she was just absolutely, just flat.

She's completely flat.

Just spread across the road like a thin stripe.

Like a red, you know - Gosh.

- long red stripe.

- Who was it?

- It's a great friend of mine, Anna.

- She's, just, like, one of my best friends ever.

- Anna?

- I just haven't heard you mention her.

- Oh, God.

Sorry.

- SALLY: No, I don't mean that.

- So it doesn't matter that she's just been squashed into a giant red stripe across the road by a f*cking Benji bus.

I didn't I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

EMMA: Can we just get a pasty or something?

Like, can we, I don't know, like, call Deliveroo, or something?

We can't get a delivery.

They don't come to you in a moving car.

You can't get delivery.

Look, if you need to stop, we can stop somewhere.

You can't get a moving delivery?

- SALLY: No, you can't.

- DAVID: No, I don't want us to stop.

Are there any tissues?

You can use, uh Just use the face.

(CRIES)

Just the face.

Don't Oh, David.

Thank you.

I just feel lonely.

That's the - That's the worst bit.

- You're not on your own.

- Oh, yeah?

I feel on my own.

- Well, you kind of are a bit, now.

- Oh, David.

- DAVID: Sally, can I hold you, please?

- I just need to hold you.

- SALLY: Oh, David.

- DAVID: Please.

- Do you mind?

I can't see.

Please don't, when I'm driving, David.

Can you sit back?

Sit back in your seat.

- (DAVID BLUBBERING)

- Oh, God.

David, sit up!

It's dangerous!

- DAVID: I'm sorry!

- EMMA: David, it's dangerous!

I just need to hold somebody.

- Well, hold yourself.

- Please!

Do you want to put some music on or anyone?

EMMA: Can you put my music on?

I'm gonna try Deliveroo.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC BLARING)

(MUSIC FADES)

(CAR DOOR SHUTS)

By the way, we need to let Mum think we're still getting married.

- What?

- It's too much.

Hi, Mum.

Sorry Dad's dead.

And by the way, me and Sally are splitting up - after ten years.

- Okay, okay.

So we need to sleep in the same room.

- (DOORBELL CHIMES)

- You are not fricking doing that.

(DAVID SLURPING)

So, what actually happened?

He hanged himself - in the bath.

- Mum.

Oh, dear.

At least there's the wedding to look forward to.

MUM: I thank the Lord he's got her.

Without her, he would have nothing.

He would only have me, and You'll probably won't be here much longer.

(DAVID WAILS)

You know I'm gonna wait for you, don't you?

What now?

I mean life.

I'll wait until you're ready to come back to me.

Please don't.

Oh, you mustn't.

Don't.

Do you not have a nightie?

- No.

- I'm sure Mum will have a spare.

They're very pretty.

Um, I think I might just wear my clothes.

I'm not gonna try anything.

Okay.

You're not going to take off your boots?

No, I'm fine.

(CRIES)

(GASPS)

(WHINING)

Here we are, dear.

It's just a single bed?

Yes.

Is that okay?

It's just normally I like to, um, sleep with my legs wide open.

Oh.

It's gonna be hard for me to spread out on that.

Oh, I I'm sorry, I, I Can you manage?

Yeah.

I guess, yeah, I'm just gonna have to make do.

All right, my dear.

I'll, uh, - I'll leave you to it.

- Okay, thanks.

- Good night.

- Good night.

(DAVID BREATHING HEAVILY)

(DAVID GRUNTS)

- SALLY: Hey.

- My God, where have you been?

Just came to say good night.

I miss you.

- What's going on?

- I'm just, when David's around I just feel really scared in here.

- Why?

- I saw a ghost.

What?

Yeah, I think it was David's dad.

What makes you say that?

It looked like David.

It was much bigger, like, twice the size.

More bald, just a small tuft of hair, like a little tiny (INDISTINCT).

- Okay.

- And then really big glasses.

He didn't wear glasses.

Maybe he needs them now.

- Yeah.

- He's kind of jumping about the room.

Jumping off the wardrobe.

- Jumping off the ?

- Yeah, I don't know if he was dancing.

- God.

- I know.

But he had a message, and he said, you've all got to stop being so unhappy about this.

About what?

The fact he hung himself.

You just look so beautiful.

- We can't do anything here.

- Why?

This is David's mum's house.

Embrasse moi.

It means "kiss me" in French.

(DAVID SNORING)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(CLATTERING)

(GASPS)

(RHYTHMIC GASPS, MOANING)

(RHYTHMIC GASPS INTENSIFY)

EMMA: Ah, oui!

(GASPING, MOANING CONTINUES)

EMMA: Oui!

Oui!

Oui!

Oh!

(RHYTHMIC GASPS MUFFLED THROUGH WALL)

(BIRDS TWITTER)

(FLOORBOARDS CREAKING)

DAVID: Mum?

Mum?

I don't think she's had a stroke.

It looks more to me like dysphonia.

- Dys what?

- When one's been literally struck dumb.

- Oh, gosh.

- But you say she was able to speak to you last night and tell you about your father's su1c1de?

Yes.

Absolutely.

Maybe a delayed response to the shock or Did anything else happen last night?

After the initial discovery?

No.

EMMA: Is she signing, is someone here deaf?

People sometimes have a strange response to to shock.

Unless Is she part of a street g*ng?

Oh, God.

What ?

EMMA: I'm sorry, I don't feel safe when she does that.

- Sally, let's go.

- DAVID: Sal, I can't do it on my own.

- I'm sorry.

- DAVID: Sal.

Thanks, Dr.

Boom.

Is it the lady?

(METRONOMY'S "THE LOOK" PLAYING )

You're up, you'll get down You're never running from this town And to think you said You'll never get anything better than this 'Cause you're going 'round in a circle And everyone knows you're trouble 'Cause you read it in a big book